Bad Anime

[Sidewinder]

Thanks for the reply, Shroom Man 777. Feel free to offer whatever ideas you have for the characters or the plot of the fictional anime (writer's block is a real bitch).

The problem I had with the acronym PPF was not because it was also used by a French fascist party, but because PP sounds like "pee-pee," a slang for "penis" or "urinate." An organization called the "Penis Force" might work in a pornographic story (or one dealing with scatology), but 'Bad Anime' isn't in either category.

[Shroom Man 777]

Hrm... Bad Anime has a non-existent plot (or at least one that's very hard to follow) thanks to its unconventional nature and... storyline.

Maybe you should check tvtropes.org for some cues.

AHA! Maybe the cast of Bad Anime have to do battle, or engage in gladiatorial combat, with a spinoff series' cast. Or... well, maybe they have to fight against Jumping the Shark.

[Sidewinder]

Edited 27NOV2008: As noted, I'm rewriting this chapter and rearranging some scenes. The new chapter 7 will depict the 'Frozen Ragnarok' season 1 finale, while chapter 8 depicts... disagreements... between the cast and crew of the fictional anime.

ULTRA Two's pilot will be introduced later. If you want to read the first scene I wrote for her, here it is. The rewritten scene will have some minor and major differences.
-----
Johnny and Steve opened the door to hear men and women chanting, "Austrinken! Austrinken!" drink up. The soldiers entered the hangar to see the Fallschirmjäger surrounding a work table, along with several men and women in Turkish Air Force (TuAF) uniforms.

"I wonder what all the excitement's about?" Steve's question was answered when Aizhan, whose body was arched backwards to drain a beer keg, stood tall upon the table; a blonde with caramel-colored skin, wearing an olive drab flight suit, mirrored the tsundere girl's actions.

"Another one!" the female Toons ordered in German and Turkish. Their subordinates quickly replaced the empty kegs with full ones; then Aizhan and the blonde's back arched until they disappeared from Johnny and Steve's sight.

The military advisor smiled. "I already like the new characters." The Fallschirmjäger caught Steve's scent as he approached the table.

"Guten Tag, Steve," they greeted.

"Guten Tag to you too. Mind if I get myself a drink?" the military advisor asked, pointing to a keg.

"After we..."

Clang! The blonde dropped her keg, which a Fallschirmjäger caught to avoid spilling the remaining beer. Too drunk to stand, she was now on her hands and knees.

Aizhan finished her keg and then took a knee to meet the blonde's eyes. "I win."

"Not... yet." The blonde's eyes burned with such passion, Steve thought the woman resembled a crouching leopard, ready to lunge at her prey.

'I can tell she's no one's slave; she'll probably bite off my dick if I say, "I'm gonna spank you, you naughty girl."' The military advisor watched the blonde fight to regain her balance and stand up, before reaching for the half-empty keg.

Johnny's arm barred the Fallschirmjäger's way, preventing her from passing the keg. "It's unprofessional-- a dereliction of duty and a discredit to your service-- to be drunk when in uniform. I advise you to stop."

The blonde smiled. "Hay hay," by all means, "make me!" Lightning ran up and down her arms, scorching the table and making everyone's hair stand on end.

A jolt leapt from the half-empty keg to Steve's hand, making him drop a paper cup. "Ow!" The military advisor shook the limb until it was no longer numb, and then picked up the cup.

"Group, attention!" The Fallschirmjäger's call prevented a fight; everyone turned to salute Abe as he entered the hangar.

The general frowned as he approached the table; the scent of alcohol was so thick, a lesser man would've fainted. "Lieutenant Kartal, Feldwebel Skorzeny, can you explain why you're drunk while on duty?"

Aizhan smiled. "We're not on duty, Sir," her arm rose to display her wristwatch, "not for another 12 minutes-- plenty of time to metabolize the alcohol."

The blonde's mouth opened, but she yawned instead of giving an explanation, and fell forwards.

Johnny psychically suspended the blonde in midair, preventing her head from striking the floor. He stepped forwards, put his hands upon the blonde's shoulders, and gently pushed her onto the table, facedown so she wouldn't drown in her own vomit. "Lieutenant Kaya Kartali, I presume?"

Steve frowned in disbelief. "That's Rocky?" The writer's bible listed a male pilot named Kaya Kartali-- "Rock Eagle" in Turkish, hence the nickname-- among the cast.

"The producers noticed sales of merchandise featuring the female cast, were better than those featuring the male cast, and ordered the scriptwriter and character designer to make the character a woman, Sir," a Turk answered for the sleeping blonde. "She is Lieutenant Altin Kartal, the pilot of ULTRA Two--"

"Second to none!" The blonde's fist slammed against the metal table, denting the surface, before falling back to sleep.

"Call sign 'Griffin.'"

"I am the Golden Eagle who soars above the clouds, invisible to those with evil in their hearts; then I strike with the speed of lightning and the fury of thunder, an emissary of justice who...! Zzzz."

Steve was already draining the keg to fill his cup. "I can't wait to see her in a swimsuit-- better yet, lingerie," reasons why the female cast was so popular.

[Shroom Man 777]

I like Dark Skinned Blondes too!

[Sidewinder]

Edited 27NOV2008
-----
During the Cold War, the Soviet Navy reportedly "stretched" a Typhoon class nuclear-powered ballistic missile submarine, replacing the missile tubes with a hangar to create a submarine aircraft carrier. The director based the Red Legion mobile command post on this submarine, overriding the military advisors who insisted the design was impractical, despite the fact the command post was seen only as a shadow framed by moonlight until the season finale.

Beherit frowned at the Leviathan, his seaborne fortress, which redesigned on the director's orders to look impressive as the battlefield where Nadeshiko would face the Red Legion leader and finally avenge her father. "She looks ridiculous."

"She looks like a crocodile waiting in ambush, aggressive and menacing!" the mechanical designer insisted.

"She looks like a plush doll of a crocodile, cute and silly instead of aggressive and menacing-- ridiculous," the Red Legion leader repeated.

Triangular fins, resembling the scutes on a crocodile's back, flanked the hangar; based on the Advanced Gun System (AGS), the fins consisted of a stealthy turret and an envelope to protect the gun barrels when the Leviathan was submerged. A shark mouth adorned the sail, but a Typhoon class submarine's sail was behind the missile tubes; in Beherit's words, the Leviathan's sail "resembles a lion cub on a sleeping crocodile's back, unaware it's centimeters from becoming a bigger, stronger predator's dinner."

The director felt the mechanical designer's eyes upon him, silently demanding support. "She looks aggressive and menacing. Now make him so-- prepare to attack Pearl Harbor or something." Then he turned away.

"Damn it! I'm the incarnation of Beherit, a Grand Duke of Hell and commander of 26 demonic legions! I can accurately describe things of the past, present, and future; transmute all metals into gold; give dignities to men, and confirm such high honors and titles! I'm not some peasant-turned-soldier whose only chance for glory is to sacrifice myself in a kamikaze attack!" But the director was already beyond earshot, a sight that made Beherit's head bow so he could massage his temples. "XYZ should've made a magical girl show; those things make no sense anyways, and I would've been spared this and other headaches."

[Sidewinder]

BAD ANIME CHAPTER 7: THE END GAME ENDS LAME

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2008. Special thanks to Stas Bush. (Don't worry, Shroom Man 777; I'll list you in the byline when I introduce the new character.)

***
Linda waltzed with a middle-aged man as an orchestra played one of Tchaikovsky's symphonies. "Mister Ambassador..."

The Russian Ambassador to Japan smiled. "Please, call me Vladimir Ilyich."

The redhead returned the smile. "Mister Vladimir Ilyich, we of the EPF wish to know when your government will release its files on the man who once served the Red Army as General Chertan Krasovich Ognev." The name was derived from the Russian words for devil, red, and flame.

The ambassador's eyes expressed cold anger, one promising to avenge a great insult, although his smile didn't falter. "Ah, Beherit. Please understand, Dear Linda, the KGB destroyed most of those files before, during, or immediately after the unsuccessful coup of 1991. The GRU," Glavnoje Razvedyvatel'noje Upravlenije, the Russian military's Main Intelligence Directorate, "is attempting to assemble the remainder into a legible file, but it's like using a knife or scissors on cardboard to replace the lost pieces of a jigsaw puzzle."

Linda, no stranger to diplomatic niceties, continued smiling. "So Beherit had no parents, no caretakers at a state-run orphanage, no classmates in OCS?" Officer Candidate School. "He just hatched from a rooster's egg incubated by a toad, with a general's stars already on his shoulders?"

"What files remain are contradictory. The codename Ogon-- Flame-- has been assigned to a genetic engineering or enhancement program, one of many efforts to create a super-soldier; a paranormal entity summoned through a ritual based on those Heinrich Himmler allegedly performed in a desperate effort to reverse Nazi Germany's fortunes; and a mole in the US Army, Navy, Air Force, or the CIA. For all we know, that Vlasovite," traitor, "bastard was hatched from a rooster's egg incubated by a toad."

"And you're certain the Red Legions have no mole in the GRU to warn Beherit of the Russian government's attempt to evict their unruly tenant?" the redhead continued, referring to the "grand duchy" Beherit carved out of Siberia, now a constant source of embarrassment to the government.

The ambassador's smile became cruel-- an expression promising great and terrible consequences for anyone who crossed him. "Any moles who are not double agents under our direct control, are dealt with... in a most effective manner."

'I can imagine.' Linda suppressed her feelings-- a mixture of disgust towards a GRU officer's idea of a most effective manner, sympathy for those subjected to such violence, appreciation of its finality, and envy for the options with which the GRU dealt with traitors-- to let herself enjoy the ball the Russian Embassy hosted to improve relations with a nation that lost many sons and daughters to...

Crash, thump, clatter! "Ahhhh!" someone screamed when the embassy windows shattered. The surprised musicians rose to their feet, dropping the instruments.

The bodyguards instinctively drew GLOCK pistols-- not Makarov or Yarygin pistols, as Russian small arms manufacturers weren't sponsoring the anime-- to target the telephone poles that burst through the bulletproof glass. "How...?"

"Screech!" Vampire bats swarmed through the broken windows and flooded the ballroom, their shrieks drowning out the loudest screams of the panicking men and women. The bodyguards squeezed the triggers, killing multiple bats with each bullet, denying this as evidence their efforts were futile; then the brave men and women fell, their skin covered with bites, their blood burning with "chimera venom"-- the unholy union of genetically engineered virus, neurotoxin, and necromancy.

"Mister Ambassador! Bugger!" Linda cursed as she rolled forwards, a diving bat's wings caressing her hair. 'To hell with diplomacy, I'm never leaving behind my pistol again!' She grabbed a silver platter and a wine bottle from the floor, using them as an improvised shield and club to fight her way to where the ambassador was. "Mister Ambassador!" The man laid upon the floor, now stained with his blood. Linda reversed her grip on the bottle, freeing her index and middle fingers to check the ambassador's pulse.

"Grrrr!"

"Ah!" The sudden attack left Linda lying on the floor, the ambassador-turned-zombie straddling her body and holding down her arms. Venomous saliva dripped from the zombie's mouth, igniting nerves in the redhead's skin as the now inhuman thing prepared to tear out her throat and turn Linda into another...

"Hiss!"

An invisible hand lifted the undead ambassador off the floor, but Linda's relief was short-lived; she realized she was the only human left in the room. The zombies parted to let three individuals with the strength to tear a telephone pole from its mount and then throw the pole like a javelin-- Balthild, Amelie, and Kalila-- enter the room.

Linda's eyes widened. "You...!"

"Good evening, Linda." The dhampire smiled as she approached the redhead; her eyes changed color like a flickering flame, becoming red, blue, and violet again.

"Yaaaa!" Linda threw the platter at Balthild. The dhampire caught the improvised discus; the redhead, who used the attack as a distraction, was already sprinting through the door.

Amelie and Kalila transformed into gargoyles and ran after Linda, but stopped in front of the now burning doorway, as if they feared the wine-fueled fire. Shrieks followed Linda; then the redhead lost the vampires' cries as well.

"Such ingenuity." Balthild smiled-- an expression the vampires shared-- as she approached the door, waved a hand, and psychically extinguished the fire. "I hope she survives her part in our plan; she'll be an excellent addition to my harem."

[Shroom Man 777]

Awww... I was waiting for that latest WHORE character of yours!

[Sidewinder]

Awww... I was waiting for that latest WHORE character of yours!

The Golden Eagle WILL return to save the day, once I finish the scene where the Red Legion utterly ass-rapes the day.

PS: If your namesake (maybe representative of a toy company sponsoring the anime?) wants to avoid getting castrated and then ass-raped by his own severed penis, he should refrain from calling ULTRA Two's pilot a whore. Yes, Altin is THAT vengeful towards people who diss her.

[Sidewinder]

Peacekeeper One was the most advanced battlefield surveillance aircraft on Earth, but even it was useless against an invisible enemy; the infrared (IR) sensors failed to distinguish the zombies' low body temperature from streetlamps and other heat sources, and the ground clutter shielded the undead from radar.

Abe stood in front of the holographic display, with the solidity of the sphinx guarding the pharaohs' tombs. 'This scene is straight out of "The Mummy". I might as well look for Boris Karloff,' star of the 1932 horror film. Yellow lights blinked on the display. "Death Angel, this is Command. We're getting airborne contacts at rooftop level, in grid," he read the coordinates on a military map. "Possible UAVs," unmanned aerial vehicles. "Can you visually acquire the contacts?"

"Command, this is Death Angel. Contacts visually acquired-- chimeras." ULTRA One rolled to dodge two incoming RPGs. "Armed chimeras."

Abe knew what Johnny was thinking. "Death Angel, this is Command. You are free to use direct energy weapons and the chainknife. All projectile weapons tight, I say again, all projectile weapons tight," meaning the ranger couldn't use the Carnotaurus' gun or missiles. "Avoid civilian casualties if at all possible."

"Yes, Sir." Crosshairs were projected over a human-bat-viper hybrid. "Spice, target the chimeras' wings."

"Yes, Mister Tsurugi." The golden-haired sexaroid performed multitasking so the ULTRA pilot could focus on the mission. Three Laser Lance turrets extended and sent forth beams to simultaneously sever three chimeras' wings-- Turret 4 defended the Carnotaurus from another RPG-- sending the undead hybrids to the ground below.

A Ford GT became visible as two serpents rose from nests behind the headlights, and breathed fire-- two MG3E machine guns extended from hidden compartments, and fired armor-piercing and armor-piercing tracer rounds. "Yeeeee-ha!" Linda cheered, watching bullets literally cut down chimeras, as 7.62 x 51 mm casings danced upon the asphalt.

"Miss Linda, please act in character-- the script states you're terrified by the sight of these once human monsters, not ecstatic at an opportunity to drive like your hair's on fire." The director's demands fell upon deaf ears, as usual-- not that Linda could hear him over the machine guns.

"We need but a few minutes to refilm Miss Linda in the supercar and in character," the scriptwriter said to raise his weary coworker's spirits.

"Say hello to my German friends!" the redhead modified a quote from a 1983 film.

"And re-record the dialogue so she sounds like Lin Daiyu instead of Scarface," the weary scriptwriter referred to the tragic heroine of the novel 'Dream of the Red Chamber'.

Then ULTRA One swooped down, grabbed the GT, and climbed to the waiting Peacekeeper One.

[Shroom Man 777]

Hrm... zombies and monsters with military equipment, that would actually be pretty cool!

I like how they're shooting scenes that are actually really happening, but NOT REALLY, in a sort of bizzare randome altarnate realty kind of way. Bizzaro world!

[Sidewinder]

Hrm... zombies and monsters with military equipment, that would actually be pretty cool!

As much as I'd like to claim credit for this, it actually belongs to Japanese director Kitamura Ryuhei, who had "hyper zombies" with the intelligence to use weapons, and the speed to make these weapons useful, in Versus.

[Shroom Man 777]

Oh, that was a ridiculous movie.

(I preferred Godzila: Final Wars)

[Sidewinder]

The JSSDF base, where the EPF-Japan detachment was based, was in furor. Officers and non-commissioned officers (NCOs) struggled to guide and instill purpose in the soldiers, seamen, marines, and airmen's minds-- a near impossible task when the leaders were as surprised and confused as their subordinates.

Several service members focused on a familiar sight to calm down-- Peacekeeper One circling over Tokyo.

The tabletop hologram projector displayed a map. "Deploy forces to grids," Abe pointed at the map, repeating coordinates for the highlighted areas.

"General Black, the chimera venom will lose potency, becoming harmless within 45 to 50 minutes," a JSSDF officer radioed. "Why not wait...?"

"When the Red Legions unleashed chimeras upon Bali, 650 people died before the venom lost potency," the black man calmly stated. "In a city this crowded, casualties will reach the thousands or even tens of thousands, unless we act now."

"Now," Linda repeated in a voice not her own.

"Say again...?" Abe looked up to see Linda's eyes becoming red, blue, and violet. "Shit!" He ducked under the table as the brainwashed redhead drew her pistol; SLAPs pierced the table to ricochet off the floor, missing the black man by millimeters as he lunged. Linda fell onto the floor, but she quickly recovered. Fingers began squeezing triggers...

*

Bang! A frown was the only sign Johnny heard the gunshot. "Command One, this is Death Angel. We heard gunfire over the C2," command and control, "frequency. Do you require assistance?"

Peacekeeper One's pilot radioed, "Death Angel, this is Cockpit One. We have a Broken Chain, I say again, we have a Broken Chain." The codeword meant a high-ranking officer was killed, captured, or otherwise made a "broken link" in the "chain of command." "We are returning to base and declaring a medical emergency. Requesting escort to base."

"Cockpit One, this is Death Angel. Request received, wilco," will comply.

"D-disregard this t-transmission," Abe interrupted, ignoring the blood and pain blooming upon his broken collarbone. "Tsurugi, you h-have command. Remain on station; c-continue the mission."

"Command One, this is Death Angel. Orders received, wilco," was followed by "Cherry Blossom," ULTRA Zero's call sign, "this is Death Angel. Command One is returning to base. Escort it; I doubt Beherit will fail to learn of a Broken Chain, or take advantage of one."

"But what if Beherit attacks you when you're all alone, Mister Johnny?" Nadeshiko protested.

"I'll deal with it when it happens."

The girl watched six red lights brighten as two blue ones grew dim-- Peacekeeper One shutdown its liquid metal-cooled nuclear turbojets, and started hydrocarbon fuel-burning turbofans, as the airborne command post neared the base-- then ULTRA One became a blur as the Carnotaurus climbed away. "Be careful, Mister Johnny," the girl whispered, the only sign of affection she was allowed to express-- the American sponsors would otherwise suspect the animators had a "Lolita complex," and withdraw funding.