StarDestroyer.Net BBS

This is my first real attempt at any fanfiction, but I'll give this a go. I am binding myself ONLY to the first three seasons of TOS, but with a mind to future events, and novels. Just because someone shares a name, does not mean that they neccessarily will share character traits, but they might. With that in mind, I present the opening teaser to Star Trek, Phase 2, Season 1, Episode 1, Where Angels Fear To Tread.

Teaser
The Enterprise and two Daedalus class ships, Icarus and Ahab are moving through space, approaching the galactic barrier.

Kirk (V.O)-Captain’s Log, Stardate 7911.4. The Enterprise has been assigned to escort the Icarus and the Ahab to the Galactic Barrier for scientific research. I plan to make a quick stop at Delta Vega to drop to a skeleton crew. As we get closer and closer to the Barrier, I get the feeling that Commissioner Idrix is hiding something from me. The forces related to this barrier are not toys to be played lightly with, but I fear Idrix does not recognize the danger.

Command Bridge

The bridge bustles with activity. The regular bridge crew are at their stations, with the addition of ENSIGN PICARD, manning the deflectors and weapons.

Kirk-(Probing) Commodore Idrix! What brings you to the bridge? I thought you were reviewing briefing tapes.

Idrix-I was, until I received a report that you shifted headings. This shift was not in your briefing, captain.

Kirk rises.

Kirk-Commodore, we have shifted headings for Delta Vega. I intend to go to a skeleton crew prior to crossing the Barrier.

Spock-Our previous experience with the Galactic Barrier indicated that those with high ESPer ratings responded…negatively to crossing it.

Idrix-I am quite aware of your prior troubles in this sector. Starfleet’s experiments are clearly intended to test a random sample of our personnel.

Kirk-Commodore, the danger involved is beyond simply citing orders. The barrier is a real danger to any man with a high ESPer rating, and the higher the rating, the greater the danger.

Idrix-There is to be no dropping off of personnel! I thought you were all about going where no man has gone before, Kirk.

Kirk-This isn’t about going where no man has gone before! Its about striding overproudly where angels rightly fear to tread!

Idrix-Maintain course, captain.
End Teaser

I forgot to mention that the story will be written like a script. This is the beginning to Act 1.

Captain’s Log, Stardate 7911.7. The Enterprise continues to approach the Galactic Barrier. Commodore Idrix remains as secretive as ever about the true nature of our mission. Commander Spock is probing the crew records of the two Daedalus class ships, as well as the Commodore’s previous records. Meanwhile, Ensign Picard, our resident computer expert, is attempting to access high-level Federation orders. Perhaps
this will give us a clue as to Idrix’s intentions.

Captain’s Quarters

Kirk and Spock are playing chess.

Kirk-Queen to Rook’s level 3-F.

Spock-Good move captain.

Kirk-What do you think of Idrix, Spock?

Spock-He is certainly hiding something. What, I do not know. He was fairly adamant about maintaining our course.

Kirk-No, not about our course. About our personnel.

Spock-Knight to king’s level 7-A. I checked the logs of all ship’s crew members, captain. Any distinction from an average officer of their level was minimal. All were fairly well-decorated.

Kirk-King to Bishop’s Level 4-C. What about their testing logs?

Spock-The computer is accessing them now. Bishop to Bishop’s 4-D.

Kirk-Good. Were any of them decorated?

Spock-Yes. Most of them received commendations normal to officers of their ranks, with a few outliers, mostly for bravery on away missions. The majority took actions on pure intuition, actions that proved to be…fortuitous.

Kirk-(sotto) Like Mitchell…King to Queen’s 6-A.

Spock-Queen to Queen’s 9-F.

Kirk-Spock…Be sure to check their ESPer ratings. King to Queen’s 5-G.

Spock-I will. Pawn to Queen’s 6-H. Checkmate, captain.

CUT to MAIN BRIDGE.

Ensign Picard is in front of the computer. The regular bridge crew, minus Kirk and Spock are present.

Ensign Picard-Mr. Sulu, could you help me for a minute?

Sulu-Of course, young ensign. What do you need?

Ensign Picard-This stardate, how long ago was it?

Sulu-You learned stardate conversion first year at the Academy, Ensign. Shouldn’t you know this?

Ensign Picard-I can’t quite place that particular cycle, sir. I’m trying to cross-date it to the first time the Enterprise pierced the galactic barrier, at 1312.4.

Sulu-Five Earth months afterward. Why?...Wait a minute…this proposes an attempt to test the psychic effects of piercing the barrier. Who wrote this report?

Ensign Picard-Commander Idrix, sir. He has proposed an ESPer corps numerous times, most recently two earth weeks prior to the beginning of our new five-year mission.

Sulu-Ensign Chekhov, come over here for a minute. You worked in Starfleet Assignments on your first cadet tour of duty. How long to get two Daedalus class ships diverted from prior assignments, and to requisition a Constitution to escort them?

Ensign Chekhov-A little under two Earth months. A week if given high priority by the higher ups, the boyars, if you will.

Sulu-Can’t be…Idrix’s report doesn’t have even C-4 priority.

Ensign Picard-There is a second report, class A-3. I’ve been trying to access it for a few hours.

Ensign Chekhov-You won’t get it. Class A reports require a special activation code. Only command staff can get at it.

Sulu-No…that’s not right. Command staff and authorized personnel. I’m authorized personnel. Computer, activation Sulu 9-Alpha.

Computer-Access Denied.

Ensign Picard-That’s for ship logs. Starfleet orders are another matter. Let me see if I can break the encryption.

No responses yet? Well, here is the finale to Act 1.

Spock, Sulu, McCoy, Kirk, Scotty, Chekhov, and Picard are present.

Kirk-Anything to report, Mr. Spock?

Spock-Yes, Captain. It would seem that all those present aboard the Daedalus class ships have unusually high ESPer ratings. Commodore Idrix has the highest of all. If you remember from our last encounter with the barrier, Gary Mitchell was affected to a great degree. All those aboard the other ships have similar ratings, with an average rating of 089, and an average apperception quotient of 17/104. The top 10% average approximately 093 and 23/104, respectively.

McCoy-Those averages are through the roof! The top 10% in all of Starfleet average apperception quotients of 18/104, and ESPer ratings of 090.

Spock-Logic would suggest that this is not a coincidence.

Ensign Picard-Certainly not with what I was able to discover, Captain. I was able to break the encryption on one of Idrix’s reports. He had been granted access to all starship logs involving telepathy, and wanted to test the reaction of those with high ESPer ratings to the Galactic Barrier.

Chekhov-All the other reports were too well guarded to gain any information.

Kirk-Thank you, ensigns. Return to duty. Ensign Picard, please assume the helm until the conference is complete.

PICARD and CHEKHOV leave.

Kirk-Well, what do we do now? We can’t allow Idrix to go forward with his plan.

Spock-We outgun them, but not by much. A Daedalus class has unusually strong deflectors. It would be an even fight, and we do not wish to destroy the ships.

McCoy-If it comes to that, Jim, what do we do?

Kirk-Nothing. I won’t condone firing on Federation starships unless it is a last resort. We’re going down a dangerous road, here.

Spock¬-Captain, perhaps we could establish a contingency.

Kirk-Like what, Mr. Spock?

Spock-The ability to cripple their ship in an emergency would be helpful, certainly.

Kirk-How would we gain that access?

Scotty-If their ship were damaged crossing the barrier, they would need our help to repair it. Remote detonated mines in the right spots should do the trick. We would be able to stall them long enough outside the galaxy by filibustering the repairs, until we determined if they were a danger.

Kirk-Wait a minute. Do you realize what we’re talking about? We’re condemning several thousand loyal Starfleet to a long, slow death outside the galaxy!

Spock-Logically speaking, Captain, this is the only correct course of action. We potentially are looking one hundred duplicates of Gary Mitchell.

Kirk-Logic only justifies us, Spock. It doesn’t make what we’re about to do any easier. (pause) Does anyone have anything more to add? (pause) We’ll meet again within two cycles of breaking the barrier.

CUT to IDRIX’S QUARTERS

COMMODORE IDRIX is present, and speaking on his communicator with CAPTAIN DENNISON.

Commodore Idrix-Are the plans in place, Captain?

Captain Dennison-Of course, Commodore. The isolation chambers are ready for any who symptoms of mutation. Research teams have already been briefed on how to handle the situation.

Commodore Idrix-Excellent. You assistance in requisitioning the Icarus was essential. At long last, the dream is coming true.

Captain Dennison-Indeed, sir. This ESPer corps will give us the upper hand in espionage and diplomacy for years to come.

Commodore Idrix-I’ll finally gain the respect that Starfleet has long denied me. Dennison, your assistance will not be forgotten. Perhaps your own Starbase, in time…I’ll be beaming over within a cycle, as soon as Kirk lets me go. He’s suspicious.

Captain Dennison-Not without reason, sir. Starfleet hasn’t exactly been forthright with him on this matter.

Commodore Idrix-There is no need for him to know. I’ll be back aboard the Icarus before we leave the galaxy.

CUT to MAIN BRIDGE.

The normal bridge crew is present, but in a heightened state of emotion. Kirk, Spock, and Sulu enter. Picard gives up the helm.

Kirk-Return to your normal post, Ensign. Maintain course for Barrier.

A communicator beeps.

Sulu-Transporter room, sir.

Kirk-Put it through to the viewscreen.

SCOTTY appears on the view screen.

Scotty-Commodore Idrix is requesting permission to beam back to the Icarus, sir.

Kirk-Good. Let him. (to Spock) This will get him out of our way, for now.

Spock-Agreed.

Scotty-Thank you, captain.

View screens blacks out.

Ensign Picard-Approaching the barrier, Captain.

The Galactic Barrier fills the viewscreen.
END ACT 1

No one has any thing to say? Any comments on my writing, what can I do to improve, etc?

Maybe no-one wants to be an ass hole. I'm tired and bored, so what the hell.

The script style is a bit, what, bland? I really think standard prose would be better. We can't get a good feeling for what the characters are feeling or thinking, or why the situation exists at all. Without actors, plain dialogue doesn't communicate much. The whole thing seems too rushed.

This secret plan to create a psychic corps seems poorly thought out. Starfleet has sent Kirk on secret missions before, so why hide the nature of the experiment this time? It seems pretty risky to send a starship on this sort of mission without telling the captain what's going on. Especially a captain with first-hand experience of what can happen. Surely Starfleet would want him to know what was happening in order to observe, take necessary precautions, or end the experiment if necessary. Keeping him out of the loop doesn't make any sense. It just makes the whole experiment even more dangerous. If Starfleet feels it can't trust Kirk, then surely they could pick someone else. Why do they need a heavy cruiser anyway? Why are they using two old, obsolete ships? It seems to me the more sensible approach would be to use one ship for the experiment, and then a second ship for observation and control. The experiment should use only a few subjects, to see if they can be controlled, before moving on with hundreds. Furthermore, if I remember correctly, the Enterprise had a hard time making it through the barrier, and was following the path of an older ship that was destroyed in an earlier attempt. Wouldn't the Daedalus be more vulnerable than the Constitution? Or is that why Spock mentioned that the ships had extra shielding? Something like a Saladin or Ptolemy would make more sense, I would think, or, if you're willing to use completely non-cannon ships, a Surya would be best. Maybe some exposition could answer some of these questions.

Kirk's actions seem quite strange. I somehow doubt he would blithely condone an ensign hacking into classified files on his own initiative. He might order Spock to do it himself, but I expect he would frown upon a lowly ensign deciding to commit a crime on his own. After discovering the odd circumstances, I would think Kirk would try to convince the commodore that the mission is far too dangerous. He's never hesitated to stand up to ranking officers before. Why wouldn't he try to check with Starfleet to make sure that the experiment has official sanction? Plotting behind the scenes seems way out of character for him, at least before he's exhausted more legitimate options. Somehow, this just doesn't feel right. It would be easier to believe if Kirk confronted the commodore, had a big fight with him, and maybe refused to endanger his ship and crew by participating in the experiment.

What's with the ensign Picard? Jean-Luc shouldn't be born yet. "Encounter at Far Point" took place almost eighty years after the time of the movies, and captain Picard is no-where near a hundred. What purpose does this name-dropping serve? Does he do anything that Chekhov couldn't do?

Sorry if this seems too negative, but you asked for critique.

Thank you, very much. A rewrite will be coming down the pipe soon, but I do want to address a few of your criticisms. First of all, with Picard, I am holding myself only to the first three seasons of TOS. My basic plan was to write this as a series, a series that would end and then restart a few years later, with Picard, who by now is an established character, as captain of another ship. Your other criticisms, I'll try and adress in a redone version of the story. Thanks again for your help.