MST4K: Episode 11- Phoneography (Ranma 1/2)
Posted: 2006-12-14 07:05pm
A shorter one this time. Enjoy as much as is possible.
Mordancy Sarcasm Theater 4000
By Tim Jewett
All belongs to whom it belongs to. Also, please don't sue me. Thank you
In the not too distant future...
(Tim pops up and blasts the opening sequence with a missile)
Tim: Let's get on with it, shall we?
(Satellite of Lust, Sometime between one midnight and the next)
Graham: Hey, We just got a call from Artlu!
Tim: What? He calls us NOW? So soon after the last one, I mean.
Max: He's being cruel today
Artlu: I've found another Ranmafic for you three to chew on, it's a short piece about Ranma and Kodachi engaging in certain activities, over the phone.
Tim: You mean, she's trying to make him buy a useless product he'd never ever need and his life would be simpler without?
Artlu: Actually, your snide comment is oddly on the mark. I'll let you see how though...
(Klaxons wail and they wander into the theater)
Door 7: It's the standard door... duh
Door 6.7: It's yet another shameless show of respect and admiration.
Door 6: It's made entirely of Spam. You gleeefully torch the offending Email printouts and move on.
Door 5: A golem twice your size blocks the door. It looks imposing, but you tell it to look the other way and pass on.
Door 4: Duo and Deatchscythe Hell (Shinigami) block the way. You give them a Quarter and hurry forth to bust Quatre in the nose.
Door 3: It's a revolving door, you go through three times then stumbled and dizzily make your way to...
Door 2: It's a wall of weeds. You hack through them and pass on
Door 1: It's a wall of flames. You ignore the commentary and enter the Theatre.
tjherr@teleport.com (P.H. Tidy-Rocc)
Ranma 1/2-Phoneography
Max: Phoneography: Nonsense word meaning basically nothing. The closest equivalent is the Phonograph, with translates roughly into "Noise meter".
by P.H. Tidy-Rocc
All characters copyright (c) 1995 Rumiko Takahashi and Shogakukan Inc.
(well, DUH--if I had invented them, would I be sitting here writing hentai
fanfic?!).
Tim: I dunno, I'v seen wierder things (holds up a sign with an arrow pointing towards Graham)
Graham: Yeah, He (notices sign) HEY!!!!!!!
**************************WARNING****************************
The following story is a NASTY bastard containing all manner of
licentious abuse of Alexander Graham Bell's honored invention. If explicit
sex, heavy breathing and flowery prose (". . .my steely samurai of desire.
. .") offends you, then DON'T READ THIS.
(Graham gets up)
Tim: Don't even think you can leave, we gotta MISTY, boys!
Max: you consider THAT, flowery? HA!
**************************WARNING****************************
Here's an original sick and twisted story I thought up, partly inspired
by "Dominion: Revenge of the Pumas." I used the person I did because
frankly, I can't see anybody but her being warped enough to do something
like this. Ukyou sure wouldn't, and I doubt Shampoo would, either. . .so
that
leaves. . .
Tim: Akane?
Graham: Nabiki?
Max: Kasumi?
All: KASUMI!!!!!
There'll never be a better time this day: Kunou-ani san is out looking
for his "Pig-tailed Goddess;" Sasuke I sent away on a phony mission and
Dad's in Paris. The mansion is all mine! I pick up the phone beside my bed
Tim: Sure he ain't in Hawaii?
and start dialing. I'm so hot and aroused I just pray that he is there.
Oh, would that the gods grant me this one boon!
All: (Gods) Bite me
"This is Saotome Ranma," he answers.
"Hel-LOOO, Ranma my sweet, it's ME again! Are you ready?"
"Ah! Kodachi! Yeah, baby, really ready." I love the way his voice goes
all husky when we do this.
All: (Wretching)
Tim: I think that the fact that this is Ranma/ Kodachi it may be more hentai than Artemis's lover!!!
"Good, I'm oh-so-hot for you! I don't think I can take it any longer!
Why, oh why must we be apart?"
Tim: Because Ranma hates you, you are crazy, He's in love with Akane, and I need not continue.
"Ko-chan. . .do you have any. . .toy's. . .with you?"
"Yes. I have a LARGE Cucumber, picked fresh from my Wicked Garden!"
"W-what are you wearing?" In the background I can hear him unzipping
his pants.
"I am attired in a very sexy red and black G-string, that's all! And
I'm covered in rose petals!"
Max: Well, Instead of American Beauty, we get Japanese Ugly.
"No bra?"
"Nope, I love to let my very sensual breasts just hang out. I hate to
have them restricted; you know that."
"I'm caressing your breasts now, Ko-chan, do you feel it?"
"Oh, yes, Ranma, it feels wonderful, oh go down on me PLEASE I can't
take much more!"
Tim: (Begins to suffer from Rapid Eye Twitch)
"Picture my head between your legs, honey, can you feel my tongue
sliding up your slit?"
"OOOHHH Yes!"
"Are you playing with yourself?"
"Yes. OOOOHHHH it feels ssssooooo goooooooood!"
"Rub that clit baby, rub it hard! Picture my tongue lapping up your
sweet juices. Oh, you taste soooo good!"
Graham:(Shudders)
"OOOHHHH. Don't stop, I'm getting close!"
"Do you want to 69?"
"OH YES, sugar, give me your manhood!"
"Here it is baby; suck it good!"
"Umpf, umpf you taste so nice! I love your big flesh lollipop going in
and out of my mouth! Mmmmm umpf umpf. Oh, Ranma, take me! Take me hard,
hot stud!"
MAX: (Barfs)
"Do you want to be on top?"
"Oh, y-yes! Darling, let me ride your Napoleonic long barreled cannon
of love!"
Tim: Hmmm, More evidence for the permission to kill this author...
Graham: Okay, now that's just getting out of hand! Comparing a eighteenth century weapon like that to that body part is too much!
"Uhh. . .yeah; baby, slide right down on my cock! OOOHHH god that feels
so wonderful! Ride me honey, ride me hard! Stick that cucumber all the
way up your sweet cunthole!"
"OOOHHH, uh uh uh umpf, umpf, I'm close, Ranma! I'm so close!"
"Oh, come on baby, harder! Harder! You can do it! Cum for me baby, I
want to hear you CUM!"
"Oh Ranma, I'm almost there! I c-c-can feeeeel it b-b-building. . .Oh!
Oh! Oh! Here it coooooooommmmeeesss! Ranma, I'm cuuuuuuummmmiiinnnggg!
Oh! Oh! OhohohohOH! Oooooooooooohhhhhh!" I shudder and convulse as though
electrified. Spent, I slump back down on the bed, chest heaving, head
nestled amidst the pillows, my thighs and apex soaked. But from the tiny
speaker on the handset, his voice beckons me.
Tim: And we, from this theatre, beckon you to STOP THIS DAMN FANFIC RIGHT NOW BEFORE I SHOVE THIS DAMN FANFIC DOWN THE AUTHOR'S THROAT!!!!!
Graham: My eardrum shattering du fic just happened. Oww....
"Ko-chan. . .oh. . .baby, please, suck me off. Swallow me! I need to
cum so bad; I want to hear you suck me!"
"O.K. Ranma, I'm going to stick this cucumber in my mouth, but first let
me lick all my love juices off of it. Would you like that, Ranma darling
sweetie honeybunch?"
"Oh, yeah, baby, lick my hot cucumber."
"UMMMMMM, so HARD, I'm going to deep-throat you now, Ranma; listen for
my sweet sucking noises."
"Oh, yeah, baby ooohhh that's so good! Oh suck me oooohhhyh! You suck
so good and nasty, my little poon flower. Suck me harder, I'm getting
ready to blow! Ooohhh! Ooooohhh! Ooohhhh it's coming baby OOOHH Yea here
it comes! Swallow it baby! Swallow every bit of it! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oooooohhhhhhh! Oh, Ko-chan, that was wonderf--ACK! AKANE!! H-how long have
you been standing there?!"
Tim: As long as She and Ranma decided to play with Kodachi, allowing her to think Ranma was being serious, trying not to laugh the entire time?
Drat! Suddenly, the grating voice of that lower-class tomboy dyke
assaults my delicate ears:
Graham: Like anything about Kodachi is "Delicate".
Tim: She is not the rose, she is the thorns...
Max: She called Akane a dyke? Hell, does nobody understand what she meant in the second episode by "I hate boys"? She meant she hated immature fucks like Kuno! Not that she was Les!
"YOU LOWDOWN PANTY-SNIFFING SCUMBAG OF A HENTAI!!
Graham: Huh, did you say something about Happosai?
I thought Happosai was bad, but YOU--and with KODACHI, of ALL PEOPLE--"
Max: Lesse, Phonesex, to happosai, Nope, Happi's still worse!
Tim: Well, two reasons this can't be happening, well a few more actually. One: Ranma hates Kodachi, Two: Ranma loves Akane, Three: They're in what the reader mistook for Kami's hyperbolic time chamber last installment. It's my time chamber, but nevermind that...
"Now, honey, put down the sofa--"
"DON'T YOU "HONEY" ME, YOU--"
**WHAMM!!**
AAAAAAHHHHHH
**THUDD**
**POW; KLUDD!!**
NO! NOT THE MALLET, NOT THE--WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH--
**click**
Graham: Odds on that beating being nothing more than a crafted set of sound effects to fool Kodachi?
Tim: Higher than the number of the most abundant item in the universes to one, favor of it being fake.
I hang up the phone with a giggle. Nothing can stop our love now, even
if it IS currently limited to just sordid phone sex!
My eyes flutter shut, and, caressed by the warm breeze from the open
window I began to drift off into a relaxing afternoon nap. Oh, Ranma, I'm
so glad that you like me! You taste so sweet! I'll talk to you later, my
steely samurai of desire. . .
Tim: That had better have been only in her mind, cuz I may haveta smack the author for pairing up Kodachi and and Ranma
Graham: Almost as bad as Ranma and Ryouga.
Max: Straight, or Yaoi?
Tim: Don't even GO THERE, Max.
END
(Outer room)
Tim: That was... odd. I mean, first off, It's Ranma and Kodachi. Secondly, it was them and phone sex. Thirdly:"Long barreled cannon of love". I won't be able to stop shuddering for an hour or so.
Graham: The setup was lame, the dialog was messed up, even for a lemon, and well, what Tim said!
Max: Excuse me for not adding c&c, I'm still wretching...
(Signal end)
THE END
"YOU LOWDOWN PANTY-SNIFFING SCUMBAG OF A HENTAI!! I thought Happosai was bad, but YOU--and with KODACHI, of ALL PEOPLE--"
Send Email to me at Ktnablade@aol.com
or to Graham atGmantis14@aol.com
Comments appreciated, flames laughed at.
Mordancy Sarcasm Theater 4000
By Tim Jewett
All belongs to whom it belongs to. Also, please don't sue me. Thank you
In the not too distant future...
(Tim pops up and blasts the opening sequence with a missile)
Tim: Let's get on with it, shall we?
(Satellite of Lust, Sometime between one midnight and the next)
Graham: Hey, We just got a call from Artlu!
Tim: What? He calls us NOW? So soon after the last one, I mean.
Max: He's being cruel today
Artlu: I've found another Ranmafic for you three to chew on, it's a short piece about Ranma and Kodachi engaging in certain activities, over the phone.
Tim: You mean, she's trying to make him buy a useless product he'd never ever need and his life would be simpler without?
Artlu: Actually, your snide comment is oddly on the mark. I'll let you see how though...
(Klaxons wail and they wander into the theater)
Door 7: It's the standard door... duh
Door 6.7: It's yet another shameless show of respect and admiration.
Door 6: It's made entirely of Spam. You gleeefully torch the offending Email printouts and move on.
Door 5: A golem twice your size blocks the door. It looks imposing, but you tell it to look the other way and pass on.
Door 4: Duo and Deatchscythe Hell (Shinigami) block the way. You give them a Quarter and hurry forth to bust Quatre in the nose.
Door 3: It's a revolving door, you go through three times then stumbled and dizzily make your way to...
Door 2: It's a wall of weeds. You hack through them and pass on
Door 1: It's a wall of flames. You ignore the commentary and enter the Theatre.
tjherr@teleport.com (P.H. Tidy-Rocc)
Ranma 1/2-Phoneography
Max: Phoneography: Nonsense word meaning basically nothing. The closest equivalent is the Phonograph, with translates roughly into "Noise meter".
by P.H. Tidy-Rocc
All characters copyright (c) 1995 Rumiko Takahashi and Shogakukan Inc.
(well, DUH--if I had invented them, would I be sitting here writing hentai
fanfic?!).
Tim: I dunno, I'v seen wierder things (holds up a sign with an arrow pointing towards Graham)
Graham: Yeah, He (notices sign) HEY!!!!!!!
**************************WARNING****************************
The following story is a NASTY bastard containing all manner of
licentious abuse of Alexander Graham Bell's honored invention. If explicit
sex, heavy breathing and flowery prose (". . .my steely samurai of desire.
. .") offends you, then DON'T READ THIS.
(Graham gets up)
Tim: Don't even think you can leave, we gotta MISTY, boys!
Max: you consider THAT, flowery? HA!
**************************WARNING****************************
Here's an original sick and twisted story I thought up, partly inspired
by "Dominion: Revenge of the Pumas." I used the person I did because
frankly, I can't see anybody but her being warped enough to do something
like this. Ukyou sure wouldn't, and I doubt Shampoo would, either. . .so
that
leaves. . .
Tim: Akane?
Graham: Nabiki?
Max: Kasumi?
All: KASUMI!!!!!
There'll never be a better time this day: Kunou-ani san is out looking
for his "Pig-tailed Goddess;" Sasuke I sent away on a phony mission and
Dad's in Paris. The mansion is all mine! I pick up the phone beside my bed
Tim: Sure he ain't in Hawaii?
and start dialing. I'm so hot and aroused I just pray that he is there.
Oh, would that the gods grant me this one boon!
All: (Gods) Bite me
"This is Saotome Ranma," he answers.
"Hel-LOOO, Ranma my sweet, it's ME again! Are you ready?"
"Ah! Kodachi! Yeah, baby, really ready." I love the way his voice goes
all husky when we do this.
All: (Wretching)
Tim: I think that the fact that this is Ranma/ Kodachi it may be more hentai than Artemis's lover!!!
"Good, I'm oh-so-hot for you! I don't think I can take it any longer!
Why, oh why must we be apart?"
Tim: Because Ranma hates you, you are crazy, He's in love with Akane, and I need not continue.
"Ko-chan. . .do you have any. . .toy's. . .with you?"
"Yes. I have a LARGE Cucumber, picked fresh from my Wicked Garden!"
"W-what are you wearing?" In the background I can hear him unzipping
his pants.
"I am attired in a very sexy red and black G-string, that's all! And
I'm covered in rose petals!"
Max: Well, Instead of American Beauty, we get Japanese Ugly.
"No bra?"
"Nope, I love to let my very sensual breasts just hang out. I hate to
have them restricted; you know that."
"I'm caressing your breasts now, Ko-chan, do you feel it?"
"Oh, yes, Ranma, it feels wonderful, oh go down on me PLEASE I can't
take much more!"
Tim: (Begins to suffer from Rapid Eye Twitch)
"Picture my head between your legs, honey, can you feel my tongue
sliding up your slit?"
"OOOHHH Yes!"
"Are you playing with yourself?"
"Yes. OOOOHHHH it feels ssssooooo goooooooood!"
"Rub that clit baby, rub it hard! Picture my tongue lapping up your
sweet juices. Oh, you taste soooo good!"
Graham:(Shudders)
"OOOHHHH. Don't stop, I'm getting close!"
"Do you want to 69?"
"OH YES, sugar, give me your manhood!"
"Here it is baby; suck it good!"
"Umpf, umpf you taste so nice! I love your big flesh lollipop going in
and out of my mouth! Mmmmm umpf umpf. Oh, Ranma, take me! Take me hard,
hot stud!"
MAX: (Barfs)
"Do you want to be on top?"
"Oh, y-yes! Darling, let me ride your Napoleonic long barreled cannon
of love!"
Tim: Hmmm, More evidence for the permission to kill this author...
Graham: Okay, now that's just getting out of hand! Comparing a eighteenth century weapon like that to that body part is too much!
"Uhh. . .yeah; baby, slide right down on my cock! OOOHHH god that feels
so wonderful! Ride me honey, ride me hard! Stick that cucumber all the
way up your sweet cunthole!"
"OOOHHH, uh uh uh umpf, umpf, I'm close, Ranma! I'm so close!"
"Oh, come on baby, harder! Harder! You can do it! Cum for me baby, I
want to hear you CUM!"
"Oh Ranma, I'm almost there! I c-c-can feeeeel it b-b-building. . .Oh!
Oh! Oh! Here it coooooooommmmeeesss! Ranma, I'm cuuuuuuummmmiiinnnggg!
Oh! Oh! OhohohohOH! Oooooooooooohhhhhh!" I shudder and convulse as though
electrified. Spent, I slump back down on the bed, chest heaving, head
nestled amidst the pillows, my thighs and apex soaked. But from the tiny
speaker on the handset, his voice beckons me.
Tim: And we, from this theatre, beckon you to STOP THIS DAMN FANFIC RIGHT NOW BEFORE I SHOVE THIS DAMN FANFIC DOWN THE AUTHOR'S THROAT!!!!!
Graham: My eardrum shattering du fic just happened. Oww....
"Ko-chan. . .oh. . .baby, please, suck me off. Swallow me! I need to
cum so bad; I want to hear you suck me!"
"O.K. Ranma, I'm going to stick this cucumber in my mouth, but first let
me lick all my love juices off of it. Would you like that, Ranma darling
sweetie honeybunch?"
"Oh, yeah, baby, lick my hot cucumber."
"UMMMMMM, so HARD, I'm going to deep-throat you now, Ranma; listen for
my sweet sucking noises."
"Oh, yeah, baby ooohhh that's so good! Oh suck me oooohhhyh! You suck
so good and nasty, my little poon flower. Suck me harder, I'm getting
ready to blow! Ooohhh! Ooooohhh! Ooohhhh it's coming baby OOOHH Yea here
it comes! Swallow it baby! Swallow every bit of it! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oooooohhhhhhh! Oh, Ko-chan, that was wonderf--ACK! AKANE!! H-how long have
you been standing there?!"
Tim: As long as She and Ranma decided to play with Kodachi, allowing her to think Ranma was being serious, trying not to laugh the entire time?
Drat! Suddenly, the grating voice of that lower-class tomboy dyke
assaults my delicate ears:
Graham: Like anything about Kodachi is "Delicate".
Tim: She is not the rose, she is the thorns...
Max: She called Akane a dyke? Hell, does nobody understand what she meant in the second episode by "I hate boys"? She meant she hated immature fucks like Kuno! Not that she was Les!
"YOU LOWDOWN PANTY-SNIFFING SCUMBAG OF A HENTAI!!
Graham: Huh, did you say something about Happosai?
I thought Happosai was bad, but YOU--and with KODACHI, of ALL PEOPLE--"
Max: Lesse, Phonesex, to happosai, Nope, Happi's still worse!
Tim: Well, two reasons this can't be happening, well a few more actually. One: Ranma hates Kodachi, Two: Ranma loves Akane, Three: They're in what the reader mistook for Kami's hyperbolic time chamber last installment. It's my time chamber, but nevermind that...
"Now, honey, put down the sofa--"
"DON'T YOU "HONEY" ME, YOU--"
**WHAMM!!**
AAAAAAHHHHHH
**THUDD**
**POW; KLUDD!!**
NO! NOT THE MALLET, NOT THE--WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH--
**click**
Graham: Odds on that beating being nothing more than a crafted set of sound effects to fool Kodachi?
Tim: Higher than the number of the most abundant item in the universes to one, favor of it being fake.
I hang up the phone with a giggle. Nothing can stop our love now, even
if it IS currently limited to just sordid phone sex!
My eyes flutter shut, and, caressed by the warm breeze from the open
window I began to drift off into a relaxing afternoon nap. Oh, Ranma, I'm
so glad that you like me! You taste so sweet! I'll talk to you later, my
steely samurai of desire. . .
Tim: That had better have been only in her mind, cuz I may haveta smack the author for pairing up Kodachi and and Ranma
Graham: Almost as bad as Ranma and Ryouga.
Max: Straight, or Yaoi?
Tim: Don't even GO THERE, Max.
END
(Outer room)
Tim: That was... odd. I mean, first off, It's Ranma and Kodachi. Secondly, it was them and phone sex. Thirdly:"Long barreled cannon of love". I won't be able to stop shuddering for an hour or so.
Graham: The setup was lame, the dialog was messed up, even for a lemon, and well, what Tim said!
Max: Excuse me for not adding c&c, I'm still wretching...
(Signal end)
THE END
"YOU LOWDOWN PANTY-SNIFFING SCUMBAG OF A HENTAI!! I thought Happosai was bad, but YOU--and with KODACHI, of ALL PEOPLE--"
Send Email to me at Ktnablade@aol.com
or to Graham atGmantis14@aol.com
Comments appreciated, flames laughed at.