DIARIES OF A (FORMER) CAPED CRUSADRESS
Posted: 2006-12-15 09:44pm
Oh what the hell.
DIARIES OF A (FORMER) CAPED CRUSADRESS
IN THE BEGINNING
What do they mean I’m not tall enough? I want to be a field agent not a sumo wrestler. Mandatory minimum height my ass. What does the FBI expect its agents to do? Get stuff off the upper shelves a lot? Pff.
***
And of course Dad is on their side. I wish I could say I am surprised. Well, there are other ways…
***
Perfect. Dad’s busy with his costumed comrades and he hardly ever locks his office. Time to do some breaking and entering…
***
The deed is done. Now let’s see if the bird is willing to sing for me…
***
Okay let me get this straight. I manage to nip Dad’s security codes for the JSA headquarters, break in, outfox the other security system that wasn’t in the files, leave my message, get back out and reset the system with nobody being the wiser and all you’ve got to say is ‘Go home kid. This life is not for you’? Fuck you, Wildcat. You costumed clown make the FBI look forthcoming.
***
My life sucks.
***
My life STILL sucks.
***
Yeah bright idea Dad. I’ve been moping all those weeks out of sheer boredom and not because my life is a failure. A stupid costume ball is CERTAINLY going to cheer me up.
*
Waitasecond. ‘Costume’ ball?
*
Time to break out the sewing machine. You want to see me at that ball, Dad? All right, I’ll be there.
***
The GALL of that jerk! Granted, maybe high heels aren’t the ideal choice for a crimefighting outfit (how does Black Canary DO it?) and the colour combo may leave something to be desired but dammit it wasn’t MEANT to be a crimefighting outfit. I just wanted to tick off my dad by dressing up like his pointy-eared best buddy. How was I to know that a costumed nutjob would show up and try to kidnap that jerk Bruce Wayne. Said nutjob, by the way, was ON THE RUN when Mr Tall Dark and Moody showed up. On the run FROM ME because I schooled him and his minions. And Batman and his brightly coloured sidekick (who designed that suit? Santa’s little helpers? Snigger) have the GALL to ask me ‘And what are you supposed to be?’ So I don’t have the right to wear that symbol, huh? Well fuck you and the bat you rode in on. Last I checked you weren’t exactly officially licensed, either.
*
‘We’ll see her again.’ -‘I hope so.’
I hope so? The Boy Wonder has a crush on me? Yecch!
***
I’ve GOT to do something about the boots.
***
Look, Batbrains, I need neither your help nor your approval. Well yeah so I would have fallen to my death when I jumped of that building if it hadn’t been for you and Peter Pan. I ran your stupid gauntlet and WON no matter what YOU say. And a superhero operating out of a cave? How pathetic is THAT?
***
Well I’ll be. Peter Pan actually send me some toys. I bet you don’t get THOSE at Toys’R’Us.
***
AND a motorbike? I’m beginning to LIKE the guy. Why do I get the feeling this was NOT Batman’s idea? I hope the little guy doesn’t get into trouble for this.
***
I worked with Black Canary! I worked with Black Canary! I actually worked with Black Canary! Omygodomygodomygod.
Okay so maybe we didn’t get the hoods, let the house burn down and I had to trash the motorbike (I hope the Boy Wonder doesn’t have to cover that out of his allowance) but we got my Dad back mostly unharmed.
BUT I WORKED WITH BLACK CANARY!
***
That’s two bikes in less than three weeks and Robin says not to worry? Who FINANCES those guys?
***
OK I give up. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I succeed, THEY get the attention. THEY get the respect. Maybe this life really IS not for me.
***
My life sucks.
***
An invitation from big B himself? I wonder what this is about.
***
Well that explains the toys. He does the bumbling playboy act damned convincing. Bruce Wayne is actually Batman. Wow.
Well looks like I’m officially in. Villains of Gotham City, here I come!
FRIGHT KNIGHT
Okay, I give up. Is it something in the water or what? What has Bruce got that we don’t? So maybe he’s a little tougher than us, so fucking what? I can still wipe the floor with any six street hoods you care to mention without so much as breaking a sweat and so can the Little Bird.
Yet when we tell them to stand down or there will be trouble they pull heat and start slinging lead or break out the baseball bats and come charging. Yes we kick their sorry butts when they try but they DO try.
All HE does is show up, look boding, and say ‘Desist. NOW.’ and they damn near shit their britches. Hell if they had cuffs on them they’d probably put them on themselves.
What I don’t get is WHY. He NEVER kills, hell he hardly ever really hurts anybody besides bruises and the occasional dislocated shoulder, and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT. Yes when he pulls his ‘If I ever see you again, your lungs will be only part of you they ever FIND!’ number, they guys BELIEVE. I wish I knew how to do that, it’d save me a good deal of trouble.
BIRD OUT OF THE NEST
Yeah, great going Bruce. It wasn’t enough that you drove Dick away from us with your overbearing ‘My way or the highway’ ways now you had to take away his identity. Well fuck you. We’re going to find him a new identity.
Arsehole.
***
Nightwing, hm? I rather like it.
***
*giggles hysterically*
But so help me God that costume is hilarity defined. Whoever came up with THAT thing? Elvis?
Dick is SO going to kill me if he ever reads this.
I miss you, Dick. You were an obnoxious, silly airhead at times but we had many good times together. The cave was a much brighter place when you were here.
CHANGING OF THE GUARD
I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!! I had to jump through God knows how many loops and work my arse off to be accepted back then and all this infantile brat has to do to inherit Dick’s place and the costume that Dick-not you Bruce, DICK!!!-turned into an icon is try to steal your hubcaps? First you drive him away, then you take away his identity and now you even take away his past. FUCK YOU BATMAN!!!
Welcome to the Cave, Jason Todd. Don’t bother to unpack.
THE GRADUATE
I still can’t believe it. Three months ago I was an ordinary librarian. I had friends, we went to the movies, bowling, all that stuff, I was home at 5. A completely normal life. Then Bruce calls me back to check out Jason because he thinks there’s something wrong with him. Hello? He dresses like a cross between a circus reject and Peter Pan and hunts criminals with automatic weapons using funnily shaped boomerangs. OF COURSE there’s something wrong with him. There’s something wrong with ALL of us. Why do you think I stopped? Oh, make no mistake we’re good at it. Well I used to anyway. But normal, we’re not.
And you know the worst part? I actually did it. I went back to being Batgirl. I went back to the cave. And the first thing the little prick can think of is how to get into my pants. Thanks a bunch, Bruce.
Not in THIS life, Boy Blunder.
AND THEN THERE WAS NONE
Oh my god. This can’t be real. I can still see us standing at that pier, me telling him off for smoking and him joking how Bruce told him off for his eating habits. I can still hear me asking him ‘But you DID get the memo about us bat people not killing, yes?’ out on that cutter.
I can’t believe he’s gone.
But he is. Blown to pieces in a desert at the other end of the world. Because he wanted to find his mother. By the Joker. Who was alive and free again. Because no matter what he does, we don’t kill him. And so he killed one of us.
And I am in a wheelchair. Because a bullet shattered my spine. Fired by the Joker just to make a point to my Dad. Who was still alive and yet again free. Because we don’t kill him, no matter what he does. And Bruce caught him. Again. And DIDN’T kill him. Again.
So tell me Bruce, what will take to you see that this man CAN’T. BE: REDEEMED. How many more must suffer and die before you finally admit you’re wrong?
Damn you Bruce. Damn you to hell.
And damn me, too. Maybe if I hadn’t come back and given him my blessing Jason would still be alive. Maybe Bruce would have grounded him and he would never have gone on that ill-fated quest of his. Maybe if he hadn’t been distracted by Jason Bruce would have concentrated harder on finding the Joker and maybe I would still be able to walk again.
But you wanted to wear the tights again didn’t you, Barbara. You wanted to feel the wind caressing your face as the facades go by at blurring speed, the adrenalin rush of facing down half a dozen armed goons alone and WINNING. The endorphin high of knowing you’re fighting the good fight.
And now a boy is dead and you are confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life.
You got your adrenalin Rush, Barbara Gordon. I it was worth it.
Rest in peace, Jason Todd.
THE NEXT GENERATION
Let me get this straight. The last Robin got blown up by an insane mass murderer who if it wasn’t for Bruce’s stupid NO KILLING policy would have been dealt with permanently YEARS ago and he’s taking on another one? Did you TELL the poor kid what happened to the last guy to hold this job?
***
Apparently he already knew. As well as having known about Bruce, Dick and the entire operation beforehand. And this guy’s supposed to be 13 years old?
If the guy’s so smart why does he even WANT the job?
***
Turns out he didn’t. He wanted for Dick to take it back because Batman needs a Robin to keep him sane. I’m not sure I can disagree.
But for Christ’s sake give the kid a better costume. You can only defy Mother Nature so far (ask Ivy). Surely EVENTUALLY one of them will die of pneumonia in that outfit.
***
He DID get a better costume. I’m almost impressed, Bruce.
***
Well for a kid on his first mission he didn’t do half bad by what Bruce told me. I’m not sure Dick could have done better and he already had years of experience. Great going, Timothy Drake. Welcome to the cave.
THERE MUST BE AN ANGEL
I give up. Where does Bruce FIND those guys?
***
This Azrael fellow scares me. I hadn’t thought it possible but Jean Paul is possibly even MORE obsessed than Bruce. I’m not sure bringing him in was such a good idea. Not that Bruce ever cares what anybody else thinks of course.
***
Let me get this straight– Jean Paul has DEFINITELY been mind-programmed by that mysterious Order of St. Dumas, we have no way to know if he has overcome this programming, we do not know how much MORE of it there is under the surface and Bruce is STILL expecting us to work with that guy?
***
Well maybe I was being hasty. Jean Paul seems to be stable enough so far and God knows we need any help we can get thanks to Bruce’s overblown ego. Seriously, would it kill him to call on one of his JLA friends every once in a blue moon? Hell Alan Scott used to live here, surely he’d be willing to help but nooo it’s got to be Bruce and his fellow miscreants who solve every problem.
A NEW NUN IN TOWN
Okay I know this town attracts costumed freaks (on both sides of the law, well, sort of) like shit attracts flies but c’mon. A catholic nun? This is ridiculous. So what is she going to call herself? Sister Justice? Mother Vengeance? Pffft.
***
Apparently she calls herself The Huntress. Well that HAS got a nice ring to it. And her preferred weapon is a crossbow? Bruce is not going to be thrilled. In this town you should know better than to do that, sis. If you’re going to ire the Dark Knight at least use something with a decent refire rate.
***
Well I’ll be. She seems to have done her homework. While Huntress indeed uses people for a pincushion it appears she does NOT kill. And she mostly seems to come down on the Families.
I wonder why…
***
Well apparently she and the Little Bird seem to get along like a house on fire. Does him good to hang around somebody who isn’t QUITE as morose as Bruce. I should ask Dick to spend more time with him. Tim needs somebody who ISN’T a manic obsessive with a surgically removed sense of humour for a role model.
A KNIGHT TO REMEMBER
Damn you, Bruce. There’s dozens of them and you’re still sick. Call for help. I don’t care this is your city and that you’ve dealt with them before. Not all of them at once you have and not when working only on adrenalin and stubbornness. Even if it’s only Dick. Call somebody.
***
Oh my God.
***
*weeps with relief*
So they can cure him afterall. Thank the maker. I wish that stuff had been around when the Joker shot me but oh well. Water under the bridge. But what do we do in the meantime? This city needs a Batman.
AZRAEL? You gotta be kidding me. I don’t know what possessed Bruce to nominate him as his replacement. Dick would have filled in no questions asked for the duration but no it had to be the Avenging Angel. Well, Bruce, I think you got what you wanted. Happy now?
***
So much for Azrael being stable.
***
This is getting out of hand. Robin kicked out of the Cave, Jean Paul on a rampage to make the Reaper look benign by comparison and by now even Dad is out for his hide. Bruce, we need you back.
WHAT WOMEN WANT
I give up. What do women see in Batman? Bruce Wayne, yes. He’s filthily rich, doesn’t look too shabby, and can be quite nice (in a shallow way)-at least if you don’t get to know him too well.
But BATMAN? It can’t be his looks, you can’t SEE them through the cowl. He NEVER smiles. It sure as hell isn’t his charming manner. Compared to the way he treats people a charging pit bull seems outright polite. Now Harley I can understand, she’s just plain nuts. Hell that woman fell for the Goddamned Joker of all people. And Poison Ivy isn’t exactly the model of a securely hinged personality. Hell I can even understand Dr. Meridian-to a psychologist Batman must be fascinating. But what does CATWOMAN see in him? He’s made is his sworn mission to catch and arrest the likes of her, hell he HAS arrested her a number of times (so maybe she always managed to avoid actually going to jail, that’s beside the point). Other than being a thrill seeker and a thief she seems a pretty sane person and God knows there’s enough of those out there. That’s how I started this job, afterall. And yet she seems to almost thrive on being chased by him. I swear I don’t understand women and I AM one.
THE CAT IN THE CRADLE
Speaking of Catwoman what do the guys see in her? Bruce acting like someone out of a 50s B movie around her is bad enough but suddenly she and the Little Bird are best buddies? Does the guy know what cats do to little birds?
You know if it weren’t for the fact that he’s a minor I’d almost think she’s trying to…
I’m going to kill her. I am SO going to kill her.
THE PRANK CALLER
Okay, prank phone calls are bad enough. Prank phone calls on an unlisted number are worse. But prank phone calls on an unlisted number that as far as the phone company knows doesn’t exist? This bears investigating.
***
WHOEVER this is has a very crude sense of humour. Well besides that being a given for a prank caller. C’mon-fart jokes?
***
Okay, who the hell would go to the trouble of finding out this number only to waste my time by telling me really bad jokes? It can’t be the Joker, he’s in the Hole and besides the voice appears to be female so…
Oh no.
***
Yep. It’s her. Speech pattern: match, low sense of humour:match, enormous waste of resources on something pointless because it seemed a good idea at the time: match.
Oh frabjous day. I’m being phone-stalked by Harley Quinn. Gee. I’m flattered.
***
I wonder if she ever figures out she’s been talking to a chatbot the past 3 nights. Unlikely now that I think about it, the bloody bot is probably smarter than her.
***
She’s persistent, I have to give her that. Stupid, but persistent.
***
Well I’ll be. Has the fact that your ‘puddin’ is an insane psychopath finally caught up with you, Harley? So Mr J wants to make a Joker Jr. before he croaks, how exactly is that MY problem?
I’m sure you’ll make a beautiful little family.
Oh alright, I’ll send someone. Hehe.
*
With luck, Steph and Harley BOTH get killed before Power Girl arrives to save the…Damn. Where do I haven Karen’s cell phone number again?
*
Damn that woman and her pseudokryptonian swiftness. She HAD to arrive just in time the stupid bitch. I’m beginning to see why Bruce is so vexed by the Boy Scout.
Hmmm. Maybe if we cart Harley to the STAR labs to help in the research for a Joker antitoxin she’ll do something stupid and the military will shoot her? It’s worth a shot. Hehe.
*
Damn.
RETURN OF THE WAYWARD SON
Damn you Bruce! I thought this was your city. The one you would protect to you dying death. The one you vowed to save. Well Gotham could sure use some saving now. So where is the city’s vaunted Dark Knight now?
When they declared the No Man’s Land and everybody who could left, I stayed. Because this city needs us. Because Dad stayed. Because I knew YOU would stay. Except you didn’t afterall, did you? Hell even the Huntress is still here and trying hard as can be to wring a little order out of the chaos that used to be a city. Dick and Tim would be here-if you would have let them. But not only didn’t you stay with ‘your’ city when it needed you the most, you told THEM to stay away, too. Why Bruce? Why? Why did you abandon us?
***
Somebody’s been tagging the symbol. His symbol. That’s how Squish put it. Not a bat. The bat.
People in this city still believe in him. I wish I could, too.
***
There’s been numerous sightings on the blocks east of 9th Ave. A giant bat with the strength of 10 men and fangs like razors. Just like they used to in the old times. And the symbol’s all over the place, too. But if it’s you, Bruce, why don’t you call?
***
*weeps with relief* He’s back. He’s really back. The call came in yesterday, on the special frequency. HIS frequency. And there was THE voice. HIS voice. He’s really back. Damn you Bruce where have you been? It’s been more than three months. And of course he hung up in the middle of the conversation. It’s strange how you can be immeasurably thankful a person is there and at the same time want to strangle the guy.
***
Okay, if HE hasn’t been doing the tagging in Dooley Square, who was it?
***
Rumor has it Dad didn’t take it well. He has the Blue Boys paint over the symbol whenever they find one. Doesn’t want to give someone the wrong idea. That he’s actually here. That the tagged streets are safe. I can almost understand how he feels. Bruce betrayed all of us.
But he IS back, Dad. And he’s going to take back the city. I wish I could tell Dad that without compromising Oracle.
STRANGE BEDFELLOWS
You have a lot to learn about the NML, Bruce. This isn’t the city you left behind three months ago. And those are no longer the same people. You think Dad would have incited a gang war in the old days to get rid of a bunch of street hoods? The rules have changed, Bruce. Better learn the new ones if you want to to bring this city back to a point where the old ones work again.
***
He’s adaptable, I’ll give him that. Taking the Ventriloquist down and then leaving his network intact but under Bruce’s own control was a damn clever move. I bet you never expected to have to work with those goon, heh?
Brilliant idea to get the myth restarted, though. The Bat is back. He can’t be killed. And he’s MAJORLY pissed.
***
Father Christian took in the Scarecrow? Is the man nuts? Crane is a monster! Huntress is going to be thrilled when she finds out.
***
God, Bruce is such a dick. As if it didn’t rankle Huntress enough she had to ask for his help already. You had to make her beg for it arsehole. The boy was dying but you had to play you stupid ‘I’m better than you’ psycho games. Fuck you.
***
I don’t fucking BELIEVE this! Nevermind that you left us hanging for more than a quarter of a year but you’ve been back for over two weeks now and you didn’t even tell Leslie? I hope she punched your face in when you showed up. Like Leslie would ever do that.
***
Great God but Cobblepot doesn’t know shit about technology. An EMP generator isn’t going to do beans to a simple diesel generator. *giggle*
***
Wow. I wouldn’t had thought you had it in you Huntress. I’m almost proud of you. Crane utterly defeated without so much as a single crossbow bolt fired. Not that Bruce will bother to acknowledge it of course.
***
Speaking of Cobblepot, yes Bruce, I think I have JUST the thing for you to make your big comeback.
***
And what a comeback it was. Wow. Taking on all of the Penguins goons, that’s one thing. I’ve seen you do stuff like that before. But leaving the Penguin in charge of the setup to report to you and then daring the crowd to do something about it…
The Batman IS back.
And it was about high time.
SINS OF THE FATHER
I’m sorry Dad but yes you were. You are behaving unreasonably. You for all practical purposes started a turf war to get to me (and I love you all the more for it). You denied his return and told people to erase his tags when they at best kept people safe and at worst did no harm. And wasted some of your scarce resources on doing so if I may add. Yes, he abandoned us. Yes, he abandoned you. But only for a while. It took long for him to return. It took way too long for him to return. But he did. And now he’s here, this city may once more have a chance. You’re wrong, Dad. We DO need hope, and where Gotham is concerned, hope means HIM. He’s willing to help you. There’s maybe three people on this planet who know him better than me and trust me he’s desperate to help you-if you let him. I wish I could tell you that.
A QUESTION OF TRUST
YOU. MISERABLE. BASTARD. You knew. You knew she was out there being me!! Living MY life. Wearing MY tights. Using MY legs. Doing MY work. Did you think I wouldn’t find out? Did you really think I would be this clueless? I KNEW there was another Bat out there. You practically TOLD me so when you admitted you weren’t the one doing the tagging when you finally reported back. I’m the Oracle, asshat. It’s my job to make connections.
How could you do this to me? You let her prance about out there. Being me. When I no longer can. I wish Bane had done you in for good back then.
*
Like HELL your options were limited. You had no problem trying your level best to ground ME back when I started but you can’t keep HER in check? Yeah, right. Fine, so don’t tell me who she is. Like there’s all that many candidates that would fit the bill. I’ll find out without you.
What that proves, Bruce? FUCK YOU! I’ve held out here while you were away. I tried my best to keep anarchy at bay, I tried my best to keep order where I could, I tried my best to keep civilization going, I tried my best not to let this turn into Gotham’s Middle Ages. And that’s just since the start of NML. I sacrificed years of my life to your quest. I obeyed your stupid rules when breaking them even once would likely have saved thousands of lives in the long run. I lied to my own father so your secret would stay safe. I tried to keep your Goddamned useless city safe when you apparently no longer would.
And you come back and give my life to her.
Rot in hell, Bruce Wayne.
*
After all you did you have the gall to ask me to trust you? I know you’re nuts Bruce but this is pushing it even by your standards.
*
And the scary part is, I DO trust him. I always have. I always will. I don’t know how not to.
Damn you, Bruce. Damn you to hell.
*
*weeps* How I wish it could be me out there. But Bruce is right, may he burn in hell forever. He can’t do it alone, and I can no longer do it. He needs her. WE need her. This city needs her. It takes more than one Bat to save Gotham, and I can no longer fly.
Face it Bruce, we need help. Call the Birds. They’re eager to help.
SINS OF THE FATHER, PT II
Wow. Dad sure took that badly.
*
Dad I know you’re hurt. I know you feel abandoned. So did I. So did Leslie. So did a lot of the rest of Gotham I suspect. But he’s back, and he’s trying to help, and so is whoever is wearing my tights (and damn. I wish I would have thought of that colour scheme way back then. Maybe the scary thing would have worked for me afterall). We need him. We need them if we want to bring Gotham back. You need them if you want to bring Gotham back.
I know it hurts. Seeing her out there, being me, hurts, too. It hurts like hell. (Of course I can never tell you that). But it needs to be done. Without them, we can’t do it. Hell I’m not sure we can do it with them.
A BAT IN THE BELFRY
Okay, have you gone ABSOLUTELY nuts Bruce? Superman-not just any of your costumed colleagues but actual Goddamned SUPERMAN-comes to Gotham to help and you send him away? You DO know that the man could fix the damage done by the Cataclysm in a matter of days, right? I don’t CARE if the people aren’t ready yet. They can continue not being ready with running water, central heating and working electricity. I don’t CARE this is your city. The man came here to help, DESPITE the way you treat him. For God’s sake, let him help!
DIARIES OF A (FORMER) CAPED CRUSADRESS
IN THE BEGINNING
What do they mean I’m not tall enough? I want to be a field agent not a sumo wrestler. Mandatory minimum height my ass. What does the FBI expect its agents to do? Get stuff off the upper shelves a lot? Pff.
***
And of course Dad is on their side. I wish I could say I am surprised. Well, there are other ways…
***
Perfect. Dad’s busy with his costumed comrades and he hardly ever locks his office. Time to do some breaking and entering…
***
The deed is done. Now let’s see if the bird is willing to sing for me…
***
Okay let me get this straight. I manage to nip Dad’s security codes for the JSA headquarters, break in, outfox the other security system that wasn’t in the files, leave my message, get back out and reset the system with nobody being the wiser and all you’ve got to say is ‘Go home kid. This life is not for you’? Fuck you, Wildcat. You costumed clown make the FBI look forthcoming.
***
My life sucks.
***
My life STILL sucks.
***
Yeah bright idea Dad. I’ve been moping all those weeks out of sheer boredom and not because my life is a failure. A stupid costume ball is CERTAINLY going to cheer me up.
*
Waitasecond. ‘Costume’ ball?
*
Time to break out the sewing machine. You want to see me at that ball, Dad? All right, I’ll be there.
***
The GALL of that jerk! Granted, maybe high heels aren’t the ideal choice for a crimefighting outfit (how does Black Canary DO it?) and the colour combo may leave something to be desired but dammit it wasn’t MEANT to be a crimefighting outfit. I just wanted to tick off my dad by dressing up like his pointy-eared best buddy. How was I to know that a costumed nutjob would show up and try to kidnap that jerk Bruce Wayne. Said nutjob, by the way, was ON THE RUN when Mr Tall Dark and Moody showed up. On the run FROM ME because I schooled him and his minions. And Batman and his brightly coloured sidekick (who designed that suit? Santa’s little helpers? Snigger) have the GALL to ask me ‘And what are you supposed to be?’ So I don’t have the right to wear that symbol, huh? Well fuck you and the bat you rode in on. Last I checked you weren’t exactly officially licensed, either.
*
‘We’ll see her again.’ -‘I hope so.’
I hope so? The Boy Wonder has a crush on me? Yecch!
***
I’ve GOT to do something about the boots.
***
Look, Batbrains, I need neither your help nor your approval. Well yeah so I would have fallen to my death when I jumped of that building if it hadn’t been for you and Peter Pan. I ran your stupid gauntlet and WON no matter what YOU say. And a superhero operating out of a cave? How pathetic is THAT?
***
Well I’ll be. Peter Pan actually send me some toys. I bet you don’t get THOSE at Toys’R’Us.
***
AND a motorbike? I’m beginning to LIKE the guy. Why do I get the feeling this was NOT Batman’s idea? I hope the little guy doesn’t get into trouble for this.
***
I worked with Black Canary! I worked with Black Canary! I actually worked with Black Canary! Omygodomygodomygod.
Okay so maybe we didn’t get the hoods, let the house burn down and I had to trash the motorbike (I hope the Boy Wonder doesn’t have to cover that out of his allowance) but we got my Dad back mostly unharmed.
BUT I WORKED WITH BLACK CANARY!
***
That’s two bikes in less than three weeks and Robin says not to worry? Who FINANCES those guys?
***
OK I give up. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I succeed, THEY get the attention. THEY get the respect. Maybe this life really IS not for me.
***
My life sucks.
***
An invitation from big B himself? I wonder what this is about.
***
Well that explains the toys. He does the bumbling playboy act damned convincing. Bruce Wayne is actually Batman. Wow.
Well looks like I’m officially in. Villains of Gotham City, here I come!
FRIGHT KNIGHT
Okay, I give up. Is it something in the water or what? What has Bruce got that we don’t? So maybe he’s a little tougher than us, so fucking what? I can still wipe the floor with any six street hoods you care to mention without so much as breaking a sweat and so can the Little Bird.
Yet when we tell them to stand down or there will be trouble they pull heat and start slinging lead or break out the baseball bats and come charging. Yes we kick their sorry butts when they try but they DO try.
All HE does is show up, look boding, and say ‘Desist. NOW.’ and they damn near shit their britches. Hell if they had cuffs on them they’d probably put them on themselves.
What I don’t get is WHY. He NEVER kills, hell he hardly ever really hurts anybody besides bruises and the occasional dislocated shoulder, and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT. Yes when he pulls his ‘If I ever see you again, your lungs will be only part of you they ever FIND!’ number, they guys BELIEVE. I wish I knew how to do that, it’d save me a good deal of trouble.
BIRD OUT OF THE NEST
Yeah, great going Bruce. It wasn’t enough that you drove Dick away from us with your overbearing ‘My way or the highway’ ways now you had to take away his identity. Well fuck you. We’re going to find him a new identity.
Arsehole.
***
Nightwing, hm? I rather like it.
***
*giggles hysterically*
But so help me God that costume is hilarity defined. Whoever came up with THAT thing? Elvis?
Dick is SO going to kill me if he ever reads this.
I miss you, Dick. You were an obnoxious, silly airhead at times but we had many good times together. The cave was a much brighter place when you were here.
CHANGING OF THE GUARD
I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!! I had to jump through God knows how many loops and work my arse off to be accepted back then and all this infantile brat has to do to inherit Dick’s place and the costume that Dick-not you Bruce, DICK!!!-turned into an icon is try to steal your hubcaps? First you drive him away, then you take away his identity and now you even take away his past. FUCK YOU BATMAN!!!
Welcome to the Cave, Jason Todd. Don’t bother to unpack.
THE GRADUATE
I still can’t believe it. Three months ago I was an ordinary librarian. I had friends, we went to the movies, bowling, all that stuff, I was home at 5. A completely normal life. Then Bruce calls me back to check out Jason because he thinks there’s something wrong with him. Hello? He dresses like a cross between a circus reject and Peter Pan and hunts criminals with automatic weapons using funnily shaped boomerangs. OF COURSE there’s something wrong with him. There’s something wrong with ALL of us. Why do you think I stopped? Oh, make no mistake we’re good at it. Well I used to anyway. But normal, we’re not.
And you know the worst part? I actually did it. I went back to being Batgirl. I went back to the cave. And the first thing the little prick can think of is how to get into my pants. Thanks a bunch, Bruce.
Not in THIS life, Boy Blunder.
AND THEN THERE WAS NONE
Oh my god. This can’t be real. I can still see us standing at that pier, me telling him off for smoking and him joking how Bruce told him off for his eating habits. I can still hear me asking him ‘But you DID get the memo about us bat people not killing, yes?’ out on that cutter.
I can’t believe he’s gone.
But he is. Blown to pieces in a desert at the other end of the world. Because he wanted to find his mother. By the Joker. Who was alive and free again. Because no matter what he does, we don’t kill him. And so he killed one of us.
And I am in a wheelchair. Because a bullet shattered my spine. Fired by the Joker just to make a point to my Dad. Who was still alive and yet again free. Because we don’t kill him, no matter what he does. And Bruce caught him. Again. And DIDN’T kill him. Again.
So tell me Bruce, what will take to you see that this man CAN’T. BE: REDEEMED. How many more must suffer and die before you finally admit you’re wrong?
Damn you Bruce. Damn you to hell.
And damn me, too. Maybe if I hadn’t come back and given him my blessing Jason would still be alive. Maybe Bruce would have grounded him and he would never have gone on that ill-fated quest of his. Maybe if he hadn’t been distracted by Jason Bruce would have concentrated harder on finding the Joker and maybe I would still be able to walk again.
But you wanted to wear the tights again didn’t you, Barbara. You wanted to feel the wind caressing your face as the facades go by at blurring speed, the adrenalin rush of facing down half a dozen armed goons alone and WINNING. The endorphin high of knowing you’re fighting the good fight.
And now a boy is dead and you are confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life.
You got your adrenalin Rush, Barbara Gordon. I it was worth it.
Rest in peace, Jason Todd.
THE NEXT GENERATION
Let me get this straight. The last Robin got blown up by an insane mass murderer who if it wasn’t for Bruce’s stupid NO KILLING policy would have been dealt with permanently YEARS ago and he’s taking on another one? Did you TELL the poor kid what happened to the last guy to hold this job?
***
Apparently he already knew. As well as having known about Bruce, Dick and the entire operation beforehand. And this guy’s supposed to be 13 years old?
If the guy’s so smart why does he even WANT the job?
***
Turns out he didn’t. He wanted for Dick to take it back because Batman needs a Robin to keep him sane. I’m not sure I can disagree.
But for Christ’s sake give the kid a better costume. You can only defy Mother Nature so far (ask Ivy). Surely EVENTUALLY one of them will die of pneumonia in that outfit.
***
He DID get a better costume. I’m almost impressed, Bruce.
***
Well for a kid on his first mission he didn’t do half bad by what Bruce told me. I’m not sure Dick could have done better and he already had years of experience. Great going, Timothy Drake. Welcome to the cave.
THERE MUST BE AN ANGEL
I give up. Where does Bruce FIND those guys?
***
This Azrael fellow scares me. I hadn’t thought it possible but Jean Paul is possibly even MORE obsessed than Bruce. I’m not sure bringing him in was such a good idea. Not that Bruce ever cares what anybody else thinks of course.
***
Let me get this straight– Jean Paul has DEFINITELY been mind-programmed by that mysterious Order of St. Dumas, we have no way to know if he has overcome this programming, we do not know how much MORE of it there is under the surface and Bruce is STILL expecting us to work with that guy?
***
Well maybe I was being hasty. Jean Paul seems to be stable enough so far and God knows we need any help we can get thanks to Bruce’s overblown ego. Seriously, would it kill him to call on one of his JLA friends every once in a blue moon? Hell Alan Scott used to live here, surely he’d be willing to help but nooo it’s got to be Bruce and his fellow miscreants who solve every problem.
A NEW NUN IN TOWN
Okay I know this town attracts costumed freaks (on both sides of the law, well, sort of) like shit attracts flies but c’mon. A catholic nun? This is ridiculous. So what is she going to call herself? Sister Justice? Mother Vengeance? Pffft.
***
Apparently she calls herself The Huntress. Well that HAS got a nice ring to it. And her preferred weapon is a crossbow? Bruce is not going to be thrilled. In this town you should know better than to do that, sis. If you’re going to ire the Dark Knight at least use something with a decent refire rate.
***
Well I’ll be. She seems to have done her homework. While Huntress indeed uses people for a pincushion it appears she does NOT kill. And she mostly seems to come down on the Families.
I wonder why…
***
Well apparently she and the Little Bird seem to get along like a house on fire. Does him good to hang around somebody who isn’t QUITE as morose as Bruce. I should ask Dick to spend more time with him. Tim needs somebody who ISN’T a manic obsessive with a surgically removed sense of humour for a role model.
A KNIGHT TO REMEMBER
Damn you, Bruce. There’s dozens of them and you’re still sick. Call for help. I don’t care this is your city and that you’ve dealt with them before. Not all of them at once you have and not when working only on adrenalin and stubbornness. Even if it’s only Dick. Call somebody.
***
Oh my God.
***
*weeps with relief*
So they can cure him afterall. Thank the maker. I wish that stuff had been around when the Joker shot me but oh well. Water under the bridge. But what do we do in the meantime? This city needs a Batman.
AZRAEL? You gotta be kidding me. I don’t know what possessed Bruce to nominate him as his replacement. Dick would have filled in no questions asked for the duration but no it had to be the Avenging Angel. Well, Bruce, I think you got what you wanted. Happy now?
***
So much for Azrael being stable.
***
This is getting out of hand. Robin kicked out of the Cave, Jean Paul on a rampage to make the Reaper look benign by comparison and by now even Dad is out for his hide. Bruce, we need you back.
WHAT WOMEN WANT
I give up. What do women see in Batman? Bruce Wayne, yes. He’s filthily rich, doesn’t look too shabby, and can be quite nice (in a shallow way)-at least if you don’t get to know him too well.
But BATMAN? It can’t be his looks, you can’t SEE them through the cowl. He NEVER smiles. It sure as hell isn’t his charming manner. Compared to the way he treats people a charging pit bull seems outright polite. Now Harley I can understand, she’s just plain nuts. Hell that woman fell for the Goddamned Joker of all people. And Poison Ivy isn’t exactly the model of a securely hinged personality. Hell I can even understand Dr. Meridian-to a psychologist Batman must be fascinating. But what does CATWOMAN see in him? He’s made is his sworn mission to catch and arrest the likes of her, hell he HAS arrested her a number of times (so maybe she always managed to avoid actually going to jail, that’s beside the point). Other than being a thrill seeker and a thief she seems a pretty sane person and God knows there’s enough of those out there. That’s how I started this job, afterall. And yet she seems to almost thrive on being chased by him. I swear I don’t understand women and I AM one.
THE CAT IN THE CRADLE
Speaking of Catwoman what do the guys see in her? Bruce acting like someone out of a 50s B movie around her is bad enough but suddenly she and the Little Bird are best buddies? Does the guy know what cats do to little birds?
You know if it weren’t for the fact that he’s a minor I’d almost think she’s trying to…
I’m going to kill her. I am SO going to kill her.
THE PRANK CALLER
Okay, prank phone calls are bad enough. Prank phone calls on an unlisted number are worse. But prank phone calls on an unlisted number that as far as the phone company knows doesn’t exist? This bears investigating.
***
WHOEVER this is has a very crude sense of humour. Well besides that being a given for a prank caller. C’mon-fart jokes?
***
Okay, who the hell would go to the trouble of finding out this number only to waste my time by telling me really bad jokes? It can’t be the Joker, he’s in the Hole and besides the voice appears to be female so…
Oh no.
***
Yep. It’s her. Speech pattern: match, low sense of humour:match, enormous waste of resources on something pointless because it seemed a good idea at the time: match.
Oh frabjous day. I’m being phone-stalked by Harley Quinn. Gee. I’m flattered.
***
I wonder if she ever figures out she’s been talking to a chatbot the past 3 nights. Unlikely now that I think about it, the bloody bot is probably smarter than her.
***
She’s persistent, I have to give her that. Stupid, but persistent.
***
Well I’ll be. Has the fact that your ‘puddin’ is an insane psychopath finally caught up with you, Harley? So Mr J wants to make a Joker Jr. before he croaks, how exactly is that MY problem?
I’m sure you’ll make a beautiful little family.
Oh alright, I’ll send someone. Hehe.
*
With luck, Steph and Harley BOTH get killed before Power Girl arrives to save the…Damn. Where do I haven Karen’s cell phone number again?
*
Damn that woman and her pseudokryptonian swiftness. She HAD to arrive just in time the stupid bitch. I’m beginning to see why Bruce is so vexed by the Boy Scout.
Hmmm. Maybe if we cart Harley to the STAR labs to help in the research for a Joker antitoxin she’ll do something stupid and the military will shoot her? It’s worth a shot. Hehe.
*
Damn.
RETURN OF THE WAYWARD SON
Damn you Bruce! I thought this was your city. The one you would protect to you dying death. The one you vowed to save. Well Gotham could sure use some saving now. So where is the city’s vaunted Dark Knight now?
When they declared the No Man’s Land and everybody who could left, I stayed. Because this city needs us. Because Dad stayed. Because I knew YOU would stay. Except you didn’t afterall, did you? Hell even the Huntress is still here and trying hard as can be to wring a little order out of the chaos that used to be a city. Dick and Tim would be here-if you would have let them. But not only didn’t you stay with ‘your’ city when it needed you the most, you told THEM to stay away, too. Why Bruce? Why? Why did you abandon us?
***
Somebody’s been tagging the symbol. His symbol. That’s how Squish put it. Not a bat. The bat.
People in this city still believe in him. I wish I could, too.
***
There’s been numerous sightings on the blocks east of 9th Ave. A giant bat with the strength of 10 men and fangs like razors. Just like they used to in the old times. And the symbol’s all over the place, too. But if it’s you, Bruce, why don’t you call?
***
*weeps with relief* He’s back. He’s really back. The call came in yesterday, on the special frequency. HIS frequency. And there was THE voice. HIS voice. He’s really back. Damn you Bruce where have you been? It’s been more than three months. And of course he hung up in the middle of the conversation. It’s strange how you can be immeasurably thankful a person is there and at the same time want to strangle the guy.
***
Okay, if HE hasn’t been doing the tagging in Dooley Square, who was it?
***
Rumor has it Dad didn’t take it well. He has the Blue Boys paint over the symbol whenever they find one. Doesn’t want to give someone the wrong idea. That he’s actually here. That the tagged streets are safe. I can almost understand how he feels. Bruce betrayed all of us.
But he IS back, Dad. And he’s going to take back the city. I wish I could tell Dad that without compromising Oracle.
STRANGE BEDFELLOWS
You have a lot to learn about the NML, Bruce. This isn’t the city you left behind three months ago. And those are no longer the same people. You think Dad would have incited a gang war in the old days to get rid of a bunch of street hoods? The rules have changed, Bruce. Better learn the new ones if you want to to bring this city back to a point where the old ones work again.
***
He’s adaptable, I’ll give him that. Taking the Ventriloquist down and then leaving his network intact but under Bruce’s own control was a damn clever move. I bet you never expected to have to work with those goon, heh?
Brilliant idea to get the myth restarted, though. The Bat is back. He can’t be killed. And he’s MAJORLY pissed.
***
Father Christian took in the Scarecrow? Is the man nuts? Crane is a monster! Huntress is going to be thrilled when she finds out.
***
God, Bruce is such a dick. As if it didn’t rankle Huntress enough she had to ask for his help already. You had to make her beg for it arsehole. The boy was dying but you had to play you stupid ‘I’m better than you’ psycho games. Fuck you.
***
I don’t fucking BELIEVE this! Nevermind that you left us hanging for more than a quarter of a year but you’ve been back for over two weeks now and you didn’t even tell Leslie? I hope she punched your face in when you showed up. Like Leslie would ever do that.
***
Great God but Cobblepot doesn’t know shit about technology. An EMP generator isn’t going to do beans to a simple diesel generator. *giggle*
***
Wow. I wouldn’t had thought you had it in you Huntress. I’m almost proud of you. Crane utterly defeated without so much as a single crossbow bolt fired. Not that Bruce will bother to acknowledge it of course.
***
Speaking of Cobblepot, yes Bruce, I think I have JUST the thing for you to make your big comeback.
***
And what a comeback it was. Wow. Taking on all of the Penguins goons, that’s one thing. I’ve seen you do stuff like that before. But leaving the Penguin in charge of the setup to report to you and then daring the crowd to do something about it…
The Batman IS back.
And it was about high time.
SINS OF THE FATHER
I’m sorry Dad but yes you were. You are behaving unreasonably. You for all practical purposes started a turf war to get to me (and I love you all the more for it). You denied his return and told people to erase his tags when they at best kept people safe and at worst did no harm. And wasted some of your scarce resources on doing so if I may add. Yes, he abandoned us. Yes, he abandoned you. But only for a while. It took long for him to return. It took way too long for him to return. But he did. And now he’s here, this city may once more have a chance. You’re wrong, Dad. We DO need hope, and where Gotham is concerned, hope means HIM. He’s willing to help you. There’s maybe three people on this planet who know him better than me and trust me he’s desperate to help you-if you let him. I wish I could tell you that.
A QUESTION OF TRUST
YOU. MISERABLE. BASTARD. You knew. You knew she was out there being me!! Living MY life. Wearing MY tights. Using MY legs. Doing MY work. Did you think I wouldn’t find out? Did you really think I would be this clueless? I KNEW there was another Bat out there. You practically TOLD me so when you admitted you weren’t the one doing the tagging when you finally reported back. I’m the Oracle, asshat. It’s my job to make connections.
How could you do this to me? You let her prance about out there. Being me. When I no longer can. I wish Bane had done you in for good back then.
*
Like HELL your options were limited. You had no problem trying your level best to ground ME back when I started but you can’t keep HER in check? Yeah, right. Fine, so don’t tell me who she is. Like there’s all that many candidates that would fit the bill. I’ll find out without you.
What that proves, Bruce? FUCK YOU! I’ve held out here while you were away. I tried my best to keep anarchy at bay, I tried my best to keep order where I could, I tried my best to keep civilization going, I tried my best not to let this turn into Gotham’s Middle Ages. And that’s just since the start of NML. I sacrificed years of my life to your quest. I obeyed your stupid rules when breaking them even once would likely have saved thousands of lives in the long run. I lied to my own father so your secret would stay safe. I tried to keep your Goddamned useless city safe when you apparently no longer would.
And you come back and give my life to her.
Rot in hell, Bruce Wayne.
*
After all you did you have the gall to ask me to trust you? I know you’re nuts Bruce but this is pushing it even by your standards.
*
And the scary part is, I DO trust him. I always have. I always will. I don’t know how not to.
Damn you, Bruce. Damn you to hell.
*
*weeps* How I wish it could be me out there. But Bruce is right, may he burn in hell forever. He can’t do it alone, and I can no longer do it. He needs her. WE need her. This city needs her. It takes more than one Bat to save Gotham, and I can no longer fly.
Face it Bruce, we need help. Call the Birds. They’re eager to help.
SINS OF THE FATHER, PT II
Wow. Dad sure took that badly.
*
Dad I know you’re hurt. I know you feel abandoned. So did I. So did Leslie. So did a lot of the rest of Gotham I suspect. But he’s back, and he’s trying to help, and so is whoever is wearing my tights (and damn. I wish I would have thought of that colour scheme way back then. Maybe the scary thing would have worked for me afterall). We need him. We need them if we want to bring Gotham back. You need them if you want to bring Gotham back.
I know it hurts. Seeing her out there, being me, hurts, too. It hurts like hell. (Of course I can never tell you that). But it needs to be done. Without them, we can’t do it. Hell I’m not sure we can do it with them.
A BAT IN THE BELFRY
Okay, have you gone ABSOLUTELY nuts Bruce? Superman-not just any of your costumed colleagues but actual Goddamned SUPERMAN-comes to Gotham to help and you send him away? You DO know that the man could fix the damage done by the Cataclysm in a matter of days, right? I don’t CARE if the people aren’t ready yet. They can continue not being ready with running water, central heating and working electricity. I don’t CARE this is your city. The man came here to help, DESPITE the way you treat him. For God’s sake, let him help!