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You know how Salmon Rushdie got that fatwa issued against him after he wrote the "Satanic Verses"? Yeah, its like that.

Jesus and his people (John, Peter, etc) return to Earth early, to check out how the human race is doing and are greatly disappointed. The story will never be written because it would piss off every Christian on the face of the Earth, if published. Because:

1. There is no Hell. The whole thing about it was made up to give humans a choice about being good or bad. Infact, Lucifer is part of Jesus's posse, his entourage.

2. Jesus is bisexual and has a (possibly) secret relationship with...Judas! I'm going with that Judas Gospel about him only betraying Jesus by the latter's request. A possible plot point would be Jesus starting a relationship with a woman and Judas betraying him.

3. Speaking of Jesus, he becomes a Buddhist. He's pissed, to say the least, about what Christianity has become. The main plot of the story is that Jesus and his...entourage decides to go check out humanity by living amongst them. He meets a woman and ends up becoming a Buddhist.

4. They're all Middle Eastern looking.

Thoughts? The idea of Jesus becoming a Socialist crossed my mind.

i always thought Jesus was a socialist, what with that whole "Free healthcare" and "feeding the poor and hungry" stuff that no christian fundamentalist would ever mention.

Controversial story? How about a scene where Jesus rapes the pope.

Ford Prefect wrote:Controversial story? How about a scene where Jesus rapes the pope.

I don't know, I mean, it'd be considering pretty controversal that Jesus is gay. One thing you do need to do, though, is to take a look at the actual history. As I recall, there's a chick that follows Jesus around that might have been the thirteenth apostle were she male.

I'm sorry, but Jesus is a pot-smoking Communist hippie peacenik with pro-Second-Amendment views!

A Jesus completely uninterested in religion or religious matters that plays acid rock while touring around in a Combi would be awesome.

Of course, bisexuality would just be awesome too. Jesus and his merry minstrels.

That's the most controversial thing ever? Sure, it won't appear on any Baptist booklists anytime soon, but that sort of thing has been around for as long as the Gnostics, if not earlier. Not to mention the huge (and bizarre) Bible section on Fanfiction.net.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but that sort of story can easily be written, and possibly be published by some alternative publisher (Feral House?), and you might get some death threats and hate-mail, but nothing to the level of Rushdie.

Jesus (and by extension, Jehovah) technically wasn't communist. Nor was he capitalist. Not once was he against profit, but he was definitely against placing money (or whatever) over God and humanity (1st of the 10 Commandments at least, AND all of the 2 Great Commandments).

Being Christian myself, I'm fairly careful when labelling Jesus/God-as-a-whole as _______. Now.. the story idea... hasn't it been done already as a play in Britain, where Jesus and his disciples are gay? I remember seeing a story about that a few years back. Anyways, you're sure to get the fundamentalists up in arms over this, but us rational ones.... meh. And as for Middle-Eastern looking: isn't that obvious? They were born in Judea after all... and at that time, they hadn't mixed with the Europeans yet. Buddhism has good ideas, I'll admit.

Also... you're preaching to the choir. This board isn't exactly a Christian fundamentalist hideout of some sort.

Instead of making it look like the ravings of a madman, you need to also find an angle to sell it to children, and to present it as researched fact. The idea is not to write something that is shocking! You want to create controversy, like the Da Vinci code book did, by making some people think there was actually truth to it and force other people to claim that there isn't.

This sounds like a great story idea. You should have Jesus at a ant war march with a sign saying Stop Blaming Me Mr. President.

How about God is a paedophile. Then Jesus's statements about his father and himself being one suddenly take on new meaning.

Is that Fatwa coming now, all has someone already thought of this.

A short book about how the Raputre is cut short when a mob of liberals re-cricuify Jesus before he can set foot on a local elementary school's grounds. HE is then smeared with the feces of activist Judges. Members of the Christian Right are herded into Leftucation Camps where many of them are flayed in bizarre experiments to nullify baptisms. Hip Hop triples in popularity.

The climactic scene is the Last surviving member of the Republican party running through a tunnel towards a bright light, hoping to cast a ballot in a swing state for Joe Lieberman, who might be able to revive his beloved party. He has already defeated Michael Moore, Kieth Olbermann, and hired foreign pinko merc Bono, but before he reaches the end Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert step in front of the ballot box. THey are both killed in the ensuing battles as the Last Republican, who we find out is a young clone made from the DNA of Ronald Reagan comissioned by GWB in the last year of his presidency.

The story ends as Reaclone, known up to this point only as "Ray", fails to cast his ballot in time despite having beaten both Stewart and Colbert.

Ray falls to his knees and screams upwards towards the sky. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

As the end credits roll, we see that Reaclone gives up on the fight for Right Wing Freedom and falls into a deep depression but is saved by a man named Gary, whom he marries three years later in the first same sex partnership in Alabama. They adopt three black foster kids while publishing an atheist newsletter.

After the end credits have rolled. We see George W wake up at his desk surrounded by empty bottles of wild turkey and gin with his nose coated in dried blood and supicious white powder. No longer confident in his sexuality because he "done dreamed bout queers" he then orders the invasion of Iraq over a red telephone. His closing line "This will show everyone that I don't have a small withery unfunctioning cock that is unworthy of the most prestigious elected office in the world"

Now, see, that's controversal.

Make a straight-up book about the Biblical story reinterpreted using objective logic and modern, post-Enlightenment ethics and morality, with a little socialism for flavor.

Satan is obviously the Great Liberator and the first revolutionary.

What's the feminine version of Yeshua?

That's right, Jesus is born a girl.

Make a Homeless man in our time Jesus and see him being arrested for Tax crimes

Wondershowzen was far, FAR more controversial than that AND it used kids to say it all on international TV. Sorry, but this is really nothing compared to wondershowzen, or Jerry Springer The Opera.

If I were to write something that was an outright attack on decency and christian reverence for Jesus, I would have Jesus as a schizophrenic retard that shifted between idiotic, childlike niceness, vindictive tyranny and a masochristic self-abasement, rolling around in and eating his own shit, demanding the biggest african slaves fuck him in the ass, and lapping up all the jizz and scum and such from roman bathhouses. Whenever he gives a sermon, it shows us what Jesus is imagining, and it's this enormous black man's dick in the sky blasting shit and cum and piss all over everything and self-mutilating itself, saying "Allahu Ackbar". Jesus has a permanent hard on and his and God's faces both look like they have Downs' syndrome.

And then we systematically have the other religious figures turn up and engage in the 120 days of Sodom with the roles changed around a bit. They all keep drowning Jesus in shit and piss, strip the flesh from his bones, cut his cock off and burn the stump and fuck him with hot pokers and stuff, and he keeps resurrecting to enjoy some more. Mary keeps turning up and it's clear her baby looks just like the pope and Satan, leading all the other religious characters fucking disembowels her and forces her to eat her own foetal offspring.

The muslims, jews and christians are lead to concentration camps ran by demons and are brutally sodomised to death and forced to fuck one another in a big orgy with random brandings, flayings and inverted crucifixions, they are all forced to eat one another, foetuses, feces, vomit, glass, spinning saw blades, etc. They are all grotesquely tortured and their blood goes in a big vat of drowned rats, cats, dogs, cows etc that big old Downs syndrome black penis slug god splashes around in, giggling like an idiot.

Mecca, the Vatican, churches, synagogues, all the cities on the planet goe up in nuclear fire/hellraiser situations. Retard-god comes out of the clouds and cums on all the corpses, especially the charred children. The coffins of the world's dead all rise up from graveyards worldwide and gravitate towards the big black slug-penis godform in the centre of the WTC ground zero.

All the dead people are reanimated into zombies, thrown out of their coffins and fucked into pieces on top of God. Hitler is there throughout making hilarious one-liners, he being the only sympathetic character. He says stuff like "even though your religion hates and oppresses women, you still fucking suck, you fucking [racist names], give me some 9 year old action!" to Mohammed and Aisha.

Now that's offensive.

Er. Well, sure that's offensive, but its more a remark on your mental health, isn't it?

Uh, dude, there's a reason Batman says "You'll never find a worse hive of scum and villany" to every n00b.

Covenant wrote:Instead of making it look like the ravings of a madman, you need to also find an angle to sell it to children, and to present it as researched fact. The idea is not to write something that is shocking! You want to create controversy, like the Da Vinci code book did, by making some people think there was actually truth to it and force other people to claim that there isn't.

Take the secret gospel of Mark to entirely new levels of fun.

How else do you explain thirteen guys hanging out together shunning women?

Jason von Evil wrote:3. Speaking of Jesus, he becomes a Buddhist. He's pissed, to say the least, about what Christianity has become. The main plot of the story is that Jesus and his...entourage decides to go check out humanity by living amongst them. He meets a woman and ends up becoming a Buddhist.

Strangely enough I was skipping through the TV last night and caught part of a program where they noted a Theory exists stating he was, at least trained by Buddhist's.

Basically they note that many of the things he taught had more in common with Buddist thought, that at roughly hs birth date the signs for a reincarnation of one of their religious leaders was interpreted as being in Israel. (The Three wise men might well have been Buddist monks.) That between 14 and 20 something all records of Jesus in the Bible and any other source dry up, about the age he would have been expected to travel for teaching. (And records state that someone was trained from the region at this time)

It's all conjecture of course but... well we also have many of the teaching's of Jesus looking remarkably similar to Buddist teachings...

Jesus was a noob philosopher, the golden rule largely existed already in the judaism of the time and most of his moral teachings are about sucking up to God continually. There's no evidence he went to india at all, and given we can already account for what he said without him going there, you can dismiss it as a fringe theory. Sort of like the idea I heard recently where all ancient dragon mythology comes from komodo dragons.

Er. Well, sure that's offensive, but its more a remark on your mental health, isn't it?

I never said I was mentally healthy.

Rye wrote:demanding the biggest african slaves fuck him in the ass... this enormous black man's dick ... big old Downs syndrome black penis slug god splashes around in...black slug-penis godform...

The particular emphasis on the skin colour in a idea intended to be offensive to Christians is a bit.... questionable. Are you making some sort of blanket assumption that Christian = white middle class american here, to make this sort of association as something that would be offensive? A fair number of christian Africans believe Jesus to be have been black...



A better idea would be to make a serious seeming movie about the life of Jesus staring a Tom Cruise lookalike as Jesus. But which introduces the ideas of Scientology as though they were espoused by Jesus with increasing unsubtlety towards the end. Just in case they don't get notice.

I'd suggest something like the "Master and Margarita" as an example of an offensive work. At the time it was published, it managed to piss off both communist atheists AND Christians.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin