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THE GNOME HUNTER

EPISODE ONE: GNIGHT OF THE GNOMES

The Arrowhead Pond, Anaheim California, May 2010

ANNOUNCER: And the Anaheim Ducks have just swept the Detroit Red Wings and are on their way to defend their Stanley Cup Title! J.S. Giguere shuts out the Leafs in four straight games and extends his streak of shutouts to sixteen straight games!

Beneath the Earth, in a Subterranean Labyrinth

The hideous Bulk of Darth Garden Gnome, hermaphroditic creature-beast and leader of the Gnome Armies tosses a Redshirt Gnomish Soldier through the television!

DARTH GARDEN GNOME: GAH! NOT AGAIN! WHERE IS THE GRAND VIZIER!

ROGUE ICE: Right here my Powerful Putrid Patriarch! What is your command?

DGG: Deploy our forces on Orange County! Bring me the heads of the Ducks NOW! And bring me the Stanley Cup! Also some Snickers, a tub of vegetable oil, and a case of RC Cola.

ROGUE ICE: My lord if I may…we have forces all over the planet. We could acquire some uranium for our nuclear program, subjugate a small nation, or threaten the major governments of the world, perhaps our forces would be best used...

DGG: You FOOL! The Stanley Cup shall be mine! You dare to question the Supreme Gnome?

Darth Garden Gnome hefts his slug tail and excretes several Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers brandishing swords, all fiercely loyal to their Master.

ROGUE ICE: Errr...Right my lord (I wish he wouldn't do that in front of me), The Stanley Cup it shall be.

HOURS LATER

REPORTER: This is Chuck Fuckerswitch here with breaking news! Disneyland is aflame today in the wake of the Ducks third Stanley Cup Final in as many years. The renowned theme park is under attack by a horde of what appear to be elves...

ACE PACE: GNOMES!

REPORTER: Right, right, Gnomes. This horde has begun attacking the City of Anaheim, their goal, to take the Stanley Cup, and something about "Killing all humans."

ACE PACE: KILL ALL HUMANS!

REPORTER: AHHHHHHH!!!!

ACE PACE: This is a special warning from our master! The band of warriors known as the Ducks shall be executed and presented to our master on the eve of Detroit's Stanley Cup Victory! GO RED WINGS!

Cut to -- Arrowhead Pond Parking lot, postgame celebration.

UNKNOWN SOLDIER: Execute? The Ducks? I don't think so.

Unknown Soldier jumps into a White 2002 Ford Mustang and heads up the 5 freeway towards Disneyland, hefting what appears to be a boat oar.

Disneyland, Anaheim California

GNOMISH REDSHIRT SOLDIER 94757: KILL ALL HUMANS!

GNOMISH REDSHIRT SOLDIER 48265: KILL ALL HUMANS!

GNOMISH REDSHIRT SOLDIER 39011: KILL ALL YEAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!

#39011 is decapitated

GRS 94757: What was AGGGGHHHHGHGH

#94757 is skewered

GRS 48265: Who.... who are you! You're too tall to be a gnome!

DARTH FANBOY: The name is Darth Fanboy, but you can call me…THE GNOME HUNTER. (Heroic Awesome Bad Ass Music starts playing and a lightning bolt flashes. )

GRS 48265: I'll call you dead! GAAAAHHH

#48265 is slashed in half.

FANBOY: At least you were lucky enough to see the face of the man who dun whupped your ass.

Suddenly a spout of flame erupts from the teacups ride as a small squad of Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers charge Fanboy's position. He hefts the boat oar high above his head and swings it downward, lifting two figners to his forehead. Suddenly, he thrusts the fingers forward and fires a burst of mental energy – A MIND BULLET -- killing several gnomes

FANBOY: That's Telekenisis Gnomes! Now how bout the power...to move you!

Fanboy begins twirling the Boat oar in a 360 degree rotation, a gale force wind pushes the remaining gnomes into a nearby wall, where they splatter into a pile of blood guts and jelly. The main gnome force is regrouping not far away.

GNOMISH REDSHIRT SOLDIER 29952: General Pace Siir! Disneyland is ours! Except...

ACE PACE: "Except?" #29952 it sounds like you are about to say something most displeasing to me.

Suddenly two powerful bushy tendrils emerge from either side of Ace’s forehead. They are the appendages of the unibrow of doom, Ace’s special Gnome Power. The soldier is very intimidated.

GRS 29952: There seems to be a human warrior fending off our occupation forces, forgive me for saying this sir but, we're being overwhelmed! We're sending in soldiers squads at a time and we've started tripping over the bodies!

ACE PACE: You don't understand, YOU ARE EXPENDABLE! Our Master can create more of you at will! You either Serve SEGNOR or die in the process!

GRS 29952: Well fuck that!

#29952 is crushed to death by the Unibrow of Doom.

ACE PACE: All forces, overwhelm the human warrior! HAIL GNOMAGE!

Fanboy fires another mindbullet, sending gnomes flying in all directions, but they are coming in large overwhelming suicidal waves.

FANBOY: Damn! They just keep coming. Like a horde of cheesed of circus midgets but without the festive clothing!

Fanboy ceases the mind bullet attack and refocuses his mental energy. He levitates himself above the fray as a hundred angry midgets with swords overrun where he once stood.

FANBOY: You want some of this you teeny little fuckers? BRING IT AAAAWWWWNNN!

GIRL’S VOICE: HAAAAAAAAAALLLLP!

FANBOY: Say Wha?

GIRLS VOICE: I SAID "HELP" NUMBNUTS!

FANBOY: Shit, all right, where is she....Oh crap.

Fanboy spots a woman fleeing a group of Gnomes towards the enchanted castle. Using his strength he hovers over and fires a mind bullet behind her, the explosion clears enough ground for him to land near her.

FANBOY: It's a good thing you're cute, otherwise this would have been a most disappointing rescue.

GIRL: It's a good thing you're cute, otherwise I’d kick you in the cajones until you sounded like that damned cartoon mouse whose face is plastered all over this park. In fact, I still might!

FANBOY: My kind of girl, you got a name?

ZAIA: Just check the lines in the script, I'm going to start running now.

FANBOY: Do what now? Oh...

*Fanboy and Zaia sprint off as The Unibrow of Doom begins firing death rays all over the place, causing a lot of explosions all over the place.*

ACE PACE: KILL ALL HUMANS!

FANBOY: This asshole's mine, stay back.

ZAIA: Are you crazy?

FANBOY: No maam, I'm a hockey fan, and nobody takes the Cup from Anaheim unless it’s in a best of seven series.

ACE PACE: Foolish Human! How do you expect to beat me?

FANBOY: With this (hefts boat oar)

ACE PACE: A wooden Oar? HAHAHAHHAHAHA (Ace shoots a death ray at the oar, but it has no effect.) What in the twelve diminutive hells of Gnomania?!?!?!

FANBOY: It’s made of Morning Wood, the strongest substance in existence!

Zaia Blushes, the ends of the Unibrow of Doom sharpen into a pair of blades.

FANBOY: THAT’S IT! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING GNOMES IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING FANFIC!

ACE PACE: FOOL! You should have saved that line for a later episode when it would be in a far better context! Such is the error of your human biology! Now let us duel!

Ace Pace charges Fanboy, who sticks his hand out and pushes on Ace's head. Ace desperately tries to throw punches and swing his sword but Fanboy's arm keeps him at bay. Fanboy begins laughing his ass off until he looks up and sees about ten thousand angry gnomes charging towards the battleground. Fanboy pushes Ace back slightly then with a flash of speed he swings the oar like a baseball bat, sending Ace spiraling into the Gnomish front line. The Unibrow of Doom accidentally bisects a dozen Redshirt Soldiers through the torso.

FANBOY: Hey Zaia, you got any miracles in your purse?

ZAIA: Not unless you count a pen that is also a flashlight, but I do have a flute.

FANBOY: What in the hell is a flute going to do?

ZAIA: Just cover your ears; this is going to be messy.

FANBOY: Whatever you say.

Fanboy plugs his ears as Zaia stuffs some cotton in her ears and proceeds to play the flute, as the gnomes press forward Zaia hits the high note, the brown note. Every member in the gnome army subsequently shits in his teeny pants.

ACE PACE: Clutching his butt cheeks in a desperate attempt to push them together and seal the breach. Agggh! This is most humilating, oh god and I had five alarm chili for breakfast, Oh it burns IT BURNS!!!!

FANBOY: Ahahahaha! Now that's funny!

ZAIA: Yeah, it's great but that just buys us some time, you think you can fly us both out of here?

FANBOY: That depends, do you see a seat cushion anywhere on me?

ZAIA: What? You asshole!

FANBOY: I’m just messing with you. But I’m running low on energy right now; butchering gnomes takes a lot out of you. But my car is in the parking lot on the other side of that army there.

Suddenly a large Explosion engulfs the Gnomish army several jet black helicopters firing rockets can be spotted entering the scene. From behind the gnomes another large explosion goes off, possibly unnecessary but very entertaining to the causal observer.

ACE PACE: A Mage Counterattack? Here? Damned we aren't prepared for this! ALL GNOME FORCES RETREAT!!!!!!

Gnomish forces retreat to the pit opened up near the "Its a Small World" ride and reteat to the inner depth of the Earth. A different black helicopter, a Transport chopper with several robed figures on it yells out to Fanboy

????: HURRY! GET TO THE CHOPPER!

FANBOY: Governor Arnold?

ZAIA: Shut up and get in.

FANBOY: But what about my car?

ZAIA: Anaheim has just been invaded by Dwarves...

FANBOY: Gnomes.

ZAIA: Gnomes, and all you care about is your car?

FANBOY: My insurance doesn't cover this shit!

????: We've got Stanley Cup Finals tickets back at the Castle...

FANBOY: Sold Motherfucker!

ZAIA: (This is the most retarded vacation ever, if he starts chanting I swear I will…)

Fanboy: LETS GO DUCKS! LETS GO DUCKS!

Zaia: (.......godammit.)

The Lair of Darth Garden Gnome, shortly afterwards.

DGG: Grand Vizier! Where is my Stanley Cup!

ROGUE ICE: Oh Gnomish one, It pains me to tell you that Ace Pace bungled the task, and that the Stanley Cup is still in the hands of the Anaheim Ducks, and unless someone beats them in the Cup Finals, its going to stay there.

DGG: You failed me AGAIN! Even with thousands of freshly defecated Gnomish-Brand Disposable Warriors you couldn't defeat the humans?

ROGUE ICE: It’s not entirely our fault sir; we were counterattacked by the Black Mages during the Battle of the Disneyland.

DGG: CURSED MAGES! If I ever hear of those insufferable robed freaks again I will...I will...

Rogue Ice: (Oh hell, he'd better not...)

Darth Garden Gnome begins to grunt and a vein pops out of his forehead, a large bulge moves through his slimy body and through his tail until it emerges. It is a slime covered bright orange Gnome Super Soldier. Rogue Ice vomits on his shoes, which happen to be a pair of Keds.

DGG: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! THIS GNOME SUPER SOLDIER WILL DESTROY THE BLACK MAGES!!!! ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!!

*END OF EPISODE ONE!*

The view fades backward as the GNOME HUNTER END CREDITS begin to roll, the credits scroll quickly across the screen of a television at the CENTER OF THE FANFIC GALAXY!!!!

PRIME DALTON: THIS CANNOT BE! THE GNOME HUNTER HAS RETURNED! I MUST SEND AGENTS TO DESTROY IT!

DALTON 957u31: I don’t recommend that milord!

PRIME DALTON: And why not? The inevitable Retcons violate several temporal statues we have in place!

957u31: Any attempts by your minions would create a huge UPF Crossover Anomaly, the Fanficverse cannot handle the strain of such a space-time desecration!

PRIME DALTON: Blast! You’re right! All we can do is wait…and pray that this special edition doesn’t suck as badly as GNOME HUNTER II did. (Prime Dalton looks over at is subordinate) What are you standing around here for? Get back to the control room and find a way to destroy UPF before it hits 50,000 Views!

~fin~



Author's Corner: This is the remake of a fic that was completed in 2004, during the "Fanfic Boom". The remake is an attempt to Retcon away the unpopular sequel, incorporate better characters into prime roles, and butcher more gnomes instead of the english language (which I will still do to a lesser degree).

I don't think Dalton Prime is going to be successful, given UPF only needs another 242 views...

My unibrow of Doom!

Ace is bo^7! Seriously though, with this and UPF, you win for humerus fanfics

EPISODE TWO: FEAR AND GNOMING IS LAS VEGAS

Black Mage Headquarters, just outside of Las Vegas

KUJA: Welcome to Black Mage HQ, you know you two are the first non mages to ever...

ZAIA: Yeayeayea....So how long is this going to take? I only have a couple days of vacation time left. (notices Kuja) Don’t touch me.

FANBOY: Ummm Yeah, hey is that Vegas?

KUJA: Yes, but it is part of the Mage Code of honor to never indulge in risky behaviors and to always....What the hell?

The disinterested Darth Fanboy walks away. A cadre of inebriated black mages enters the room. Left to right they are CYRAN, NITRAM, and Nitram’s wife the White Mage TEVAR.

KUJA: What the hell? What happened to the code of morals?

CYRAN: *hic* LIES! All of it! Oh and Nitram stabbed a hooker in the ear!

Black Mage Nitram: Hahahah SHHHHHHHH! That was you douchebag! I was the one who pawned Kuja’s Xbox!

KUJA: You what? *sobs*

FANBOY: Lets see, I think I’m going to Caesar’s palace, care to join me Z?

ZAIA: Unfortunately my time is running out, I have important matters to attend to. There is a great danger upon the land and...

Fanboy Walks out, uninterested in hearing the rest

ZAIA: Wait, what the hell? Goddammit.

Zaia leaves the room as Kuja and Nitram argue.

KUJA: So you're saying that for the last six months everyone here except for me has been pawning off things and going out gambling?

NITRAM: Well, yeah....

KUJA: And why wasn't I informed?

TEVAR: We figured you'd get mad that we've been pawning your video games...

KUJA: (Begins crying) The one joy I had left in this miserable existence....At least I still have my pudding cups.

CYRAN: (belch) Oh that reminds me…Jooj, you’re out of pudding cups.

KUJA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SINGULAR QUARTET: (over Intercom) KUJA! Bring our guests to the War Room at once! We have a situation; we'll need their assistance...

KUJA: Right…If you guys will......Aw hell.

SQ: Is there a problem Kuja?

KUJA: They left.

SQ: You have failed me for the last time KUJA! (stone silence as Kuja gulps), You're on kitchen detail next week.

KUJA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Underground Lair of the Evil Gnome Evil

DARTH GARDEN GNOME: My Gnomish Super Soldier is invincible! Those mages and that damned disembodied head of a leader of theirs cannot thwart my plans anymore! Ah Grand Vizier ROUGE ICE! You have information?

ROGUE ICE: (Mutters under his breath, “That’s ROGUE ICE you fat bastard…”)Yes oh bulbous one, it appears that Siegfried and Roy have abandoned their post as defenders of Las Vegas!

DGG: Hahahah this is most excellent news, Our Gnomish Armies have been thwarted by their insidious magic for years! And those Tigers...damned...many Gnomes have become food for those horrible beasts.

ROGUE ICE: But sir, What if the Black Mages arrive

DGG: HELLO! Gnomish Super Soldier! Invincible! There's no way our plan will fail!

ROGUE ICE: Oh yeah, shall I send Ace Pace along as well?

DGG: No! He has failed me for the last time!

ROGUE ICE: Sir, anytime one of us Gnomes fails you say it “is for the last time” yet you rarely replace any of us.

DGG: (Ignoring Rogue Ice at first while trying to open a bag of Sun Chips) YOU SUN CHIPS! WHY WON’T YOU OPEN! You have failed me for the last time Sun Chips! (Looks back over at Rogue Ice) The new Gnomish Super Soldier is invincible! I have crossbred the standard gnome with the unholy powers of citrus fruit! He is almost as ALMIGHTY as I am!

Rogue Ice: Does he have a name?

DGG: I shall call him Rind!

Rogue Ice: But sir, you already had a Gnome named Rind, you ate him for insubordination.

DGG: RIND FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME! But good point, I shall call the new soldier RYE!

RYE Enters the chamber. He is a Giant, almost five foot tall, Gnome/Orange Hybrid who also has a lot of feminine characteristics and leather gear.

ROGUE ICE: He is…beautiful?

DGG: He is isn’t he.

ROGUE ICE: That isn’t what I meant.

DGG: Rye is part of a failed experiment to breed Gnomish Women. The Genetic Alterations I applied to his form produced some female characteristics, but instead of changing his gender it produced Citrus characteristics.

RYE: I have a Hypno-Arse! (Hypnotizes Rogue Ice)

ROGUE ICE: What the hell….I see meadows and sunshine…I’m…I’m happy….

DGG: ENOUGH OF THIS! RYE! Go Forth and kill Las Vegas! And bring me back some Sun Chips! OR DIE!

ROGUE ICE: (suddenly snaps out of hypnotization) Why do you do that?

DGG: Do what?

ROGUE ICE: Why do you always give out orders to your minions, and then at the end have them bring you back snack food?

DGG: Well I figure while they are out they might as well. Besides this way if they fail in their mission and survive they don’t come back empty handed. It’s good for morale….Wait, WHY AM I ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS! IT IS TIME FOR MY SPONGE BATH! PREPARE THE ROYAL SPONGES!

ROGUE ICE: No my bloatedness! Anything but that!

Black Mage War Room

The floating holographic projection of SINGULAR QUARTET’s head floats in the center of the War Room with the Mages circled around him.

SINGULAR QUARTET: So you say these two seemingly normal humans managed to defeat an entire army of Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers?

KUJA: Yeah, but if we hadn't shown up in those helicopters we stole from the UN they would have been toast.

SQ: It was two on twenty thousand, and they had no magic or hi-explosives, these are obivously talented warriors.

CYRAN: You think they’re HAB?

KUJA: Definitely not HAB or Mess, for one thing they didn't have any heavy armor. No pornography either, so they can’t be BoTM.

KUJA: Then who? GALE force? The Mech Maniacs?

SQ: We could glean more if you would take your team into Las Vegas and track them down. Find them, bring them back here, In the meantime I will confer with masters of various forums and some of our less savory allies.

KUJA: Right...BLACK MAGE FORCES POWER UP!

NITRAM: That is the lamest battle cry I have ever heard.

KUJA: Have any better ideas?

CYRAN: How bout “LET’S GO SET SOME GNOMES ON FIRE!”

NITRAM: I like that one.

KUJA: Just get in the damn helicopters....

Las Vegas, the strip

RYE: DEATH BY CITRUS!!!!!! ALL HAIL ORANGE GNOMAGE!

many many explosions followed by an assortment of strippers and showgirls in skimpy outfits

RYE: what you girls don't find me A-PEEL-ING? BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

NITRAM: Your jokes are as lame as well, you are.

RYE: YEAH? WELL CHECK THIS OUT! (Uses the Hypno Arse)

CYRAN: My god….

TEVAR: (Unfazed due to Estrogen Shields) That trick won’t work!

Tevar swings her Shojo Hammer at Rye and it knocks Rye back., the Black Mages snap out of the asstrance

NITRAM: What the fuck just happened?

TEVAR: You three just got hypnotized by that guy’s mystical ass.

KUJA: This has got to be the worst prelude to a battle ever.

CYRAN: (hefts Bazooka) Screw it Kooj. Lets Juice this Pig.

RYE: JUICE? ME? RAAAAAARRRR!!!! (RYE spits corrosive citric acid at mages)

NITRAM: DAMNIT! I'm busting out Magic.

KUJA: NO! We can't use Magic or heavy explosives, we have to protect the city!

CYRAN: Say what? NO EXPLOSIONS? You do realize we're black mages right?

KUJA: Yeah....

CYRAN: Our physical attack isn't exactly well, you know.

KUJA: Yea I know, we're not exactly Auron's or Barretts but we've still got to try! For THE PEOPLE OF LAS VEGAS! FFOR THE LITTLE ORPHAN CHILDREN AND FOR THE KITTENS AND FOR THE....

CYRAN: FOR THE HOT CHICKS!

KUJA:...FOR THE HOT CHICKS!

NITRAM: (looks at Tevar) May I?

TEVAR: No.

NITRAM: …FOR THE….Wait, I thought you said I could!

TEVAR: I did, but this is the rewrite so I’m changing my mind.

NITRAM: Damnit! We’re doing more damage to the fourth wall than the enemy!

The Mages heft their choice weapons, Cyran his trusty Mr Stabby, Nitram an Oak Staff, and Kuja a 44 Desert eagle.

CYRAN: HEY!

KUJA: I didn't say anything about small arms fire.

Kuja squeezes off several shots but they are ricocheted off the Orange Rind of Hell, Rye begins to spit Citric Acid at them.

CYRAN: I don't understand If those humans uhhh (goes back and reads through script) Fanboy and Zaia are in Vegas, then why aren't they here fighting?

The Craps Table at the MGM Grand

FANBOY: Come on SEVEN! SEVEN!

DEALER: Snake Eyes, you lose.

FANBOY: Hey wait, I get a Do Over!

DEALER: Sorry sir, but the limit is three Do Overs and One Futurama Joke rip off.

FANBOY: Shit! Hrmmm, You know any blood banks open late?

Payphone on the Las Vegas Strip

ZAIA: I'm not sure what’s happening...I've managed to keep my identity secret so far but its getting out of hand, I need you to contact the others and send them here to Las Vegas.

INNERBRAT: Understood, Duchess is still in Ethiopia freeing a woman who crushed her husband’s testicles but we should arrive within the next few episodes. Jmac has assembled the disposable nerd army.

ZAIA: Good Work, it will be up to the sisterhood to save the Earth from these horrible devils.

INNERBRAT: So how was California?

ZAIA: Oh it was great! I went to Beverly Hills for some shopping, oh it was sooo much fu!

The Battle

NITRAM: ( Looking through the script at the lines preceding his.) She should get off the phone and get over here to help us!

CYRAN: So when you say no explosives, we are still able to use firearms?

KUJA: Well yeah....

CYRAN: And you neglected to tell me this why?

RYE: LESS TALK MORE SQUISH!

Kuja, Nitram, and Cyran are all swatted aside, Tevar moves in deftly with her Shojo Mallet looking for position. Rye looks down Tevar's robe. Suddenly the Shojo Mallet Gathers power and Rye is knocked off of his feet into the pavement.

TEVAR: That was nothing; try patting me on the ass and see how conscious you are afterwards

NITRAM: I can't believe it, saved by my old lady.

TEVAR: What did you just call me?

Nitram: Nothing! Nothing! Sorry, won't happen again...hehehehe...

Tevar: You'll pay later, right now I have to finish this OOOOOOFFFF!!!!

Rye’s counterattack roundhouse kick sends Tevar into a nearby lamp post. The mages are reeling badly.

CYRAN: Can it get any worse?

Suddenly, hordes of Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers beign flooding the streets of Las Vegas. Kuja slaps Cyran across the face

KUJA: All right time for Plan B.

NITRAM: We have a plan B? Sweet, fill us in.

KUJA: Okay, scream like a girl and run around with your arms in the air. HAAAAAALLLLLLLLPPPP SOMEBODY HAAAALLLLP US!!!!!

CYRAN: That is the lamest plan B ever, Stand back I’m going to start blowing things up.

KUJA: But the city?

CYRAN: Screw it! I lost all the money from pawning of your video games here, I think they can damn well afford to pay for the repair costs.

The Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers begin to join Rye in a Middle Earth style wave assault.

CYRAN: Awright, like I said earlier, lets juice these motherfuckers.

Gnomish Redshirt Soldier 83562: Did you hear that?

Gnomish Redshirt Soldier 49188: Such foul language!

GRS's 83562 and 49188 blown to smithereens by Cyran’s Bazooka

NITRAM: METEOR!

KUJA: FLARE STAR!

Tevar: BIO!

What Gnomes that weren’t destroyed by the Black Mage Magic, were instantly poisoned and given severe gastrointestinal problems by Tevar's Bio attack. For the second time in as many episodes, a horde of Gnomes have shit their pants. Except for Rye who, as an orange, does not poop!

RYE: IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!

FANBOY: Not exactly....

KUJA: Where the hell have you been!

FANBOY: Well I just ran out of money, so I was gonna go back and steal some shit from that Kuja guy’s room at the castle and pawn it off…

KUJA: Just Fuck off okay? Just ...Just... DIE GNOME DIE!!!!!!

Rye advances despite Kuja's Fierce Attack, Fanboy attempts to fire a mind bullet but is caught offguard by a series of seemingly random and unexplained explosions. Cyran in the meantime has retreated behind a conveniently stacked pile of cars and has begun firing bazooka rounds at Gnomes indiscriminately.

CYRAN: See, I call it Plan "C"

NITRAM: For Cyran?

CYRAN: No, for "Collateral Damage"

NITRAM: ohhhhhhh....

RYE: HUMAN? YOU! YOU PREVENT MASTER FROM GETTING STANLEY CUP!

FANBOY: Uhh yeah, say listen did anyone ever tell you you're a fuckin' orange with a really nice ass?

RYE: I get that a lot. TIME FOR INVINCIBLE CITRUS POWER! RAAAHHHHHHHHH

FANBOY: Ooookay, Yeah, I'm going to have to kick your ass now.

Fanboy leaps into the air and completes a triple flip, landing square behind Rye, he unsheathes the boat oar and gives it a hefty baseball swing. Rye is knocked face first into the pavement but he quickly gets up again and uses his acid attack. Fanboy counters by levitating up to the nearest building.

FANBOY: He's a bit tougher than your average gnome. This could be entertaining.

Fanboy fires another mind bullet, and leaps down from the rooftop. Rye rushes in for another attack but is caught square in the face by a powerful beam of Magic

SINGULAR QUARTET: Good thing I showed up.

KUJA: Boss! What the fuck?

FANBOY: Jesus you are a goofy looking fucker.

SQ: (shrugs shoulders) I get that a lot, it comes with being an eccentric sorcerer living in a castle in the desert outside of Las Vegas. I can't complain though. You’re one of the humans from Disneyland I take it?

FANBOY: Yub yub.

RYE: LESS TALK! MORE FIGHT!

SQ: Charming, Listen i've got a message for your master. Tell him I said "You Suck."

Singular Quartet raises his hands in the air and uses a powerful beam against the unholy Orange, Rye staggers but does not fall.

FANBOY: You aren't going to kill him with Magic. Least not with that peel anyway, all that Vitamin C acts as a shield.

SQ: Then I take it you have a better idea?

FANBOY: Well have you ever made homemade napalm?

SQ: Yea, when i was a kid and then again at my best freinds wedding, a mixture of gasoline and...Ohhh I see. KUJA!

KUJA: Yes boss?

SQ: Initiate Maneuver Twelve, Substance Gasoline!

KUJA: Do what now?

SQ: Douse him with Gasoline! Nitram! We'll need a fire spell!

CYRAN: What about me?

FANBOY: You and I have to keep that big fruit Busy!

TED HAGGARD: HEY!

FANBOY: I meant the Orange.

SQ: I shall rescue the White Mage Tevar and Black Mage Cyran then.

FANBOY: You do that.

SQ tosses Cyran a powerful rifle and Cyran begins firing off rounds of depleted uranium to hold of the Reshirt Soldiers. Rye is struck by one of the rounds and is injured but continues to attack, spitting his acid. Fanboy leaps down into the fray and engages in close range martial arts combat. Kuja has taken the gas tank out of a nearby overturned vehicle and tosses it at rye, Cyran shoots the gas tank and the gasoline pours all over Rye. Fanboy uses levitation to Escape.

NITRAM: FIRAGA!!!!!!!!

The mixture of Gas, Fire, and Orange Juice ignites Rye

RYE: AHHGHGHGHGHHHH IT BURNS IT BURNS!!!!! GNOMiSH SOLDIERS RETREAAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!! and Get ME SOME ANTISEPTIC and ALOE VERA!

Gnomes retreat, the Author, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to cut ahead

Black Mage Castle

FANBOY: Wow that was cool.

SQ: Yes our castle has lots of high powered technology, we can move to anywhere in the…

FANBOY: No, I meant the Satellite dish, how many channels you get?

SQ: Six hundred, including the Amish Porn Channel

FANBOY: Cooooooool

SQ: So you'll aid in our fight?

FANBOY: We'll, first I need to hear an overdramatic detailed history of your struggle with the gnomes, Ian explanation of why you need to ally with me, and i'll need some of those pudding cups I keep hearing about.

SQ: Done. Should we start now?

FANBOY: Nah, let's just save it for the beginning of the next episode. What channel is Amish Porn again?

SQ: 385

The Home of the Gnomes Where They Roam

ACE PACE: Now see, I would have never been set on fire like that. I would have been set on fire in a way that it only furthered my objective.

ROGUE ICE: I wonder how the master will take this defeat?

DARTH GARDEN GNOME: IMBECILES! I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!

ROGUE ICE: You have already heard the news of the black mages victory at Las Vegas then my lord?

DGG: What? No, fuck Vegas. I’m talking about those vile Edmonton Oilers. Send twelve legions of soldiers to decimate Edmonton and render the city asunder.

ROGUE ICE: But Sir…

DGG: Those fools will rue they day they thwarted my favorite hockey team, THE DETROIT RED WINGS BWAHAHAHA!

ROGUE ICE: Sir…

DGG: WHAT? CAN’T YOU SEE I’M MANIACALLY SAVORING MY REVENGE?

ROGUE ICE: Sir, we’ve been through this though. Every time the Oilers beat the Wings you send an entire army to level the city of Edmonton.

DGG: So?

ROGUE ICE: So every time we level the city it actually improves the look of the place! I’m telling you Edmonton is a terrible filthy hole to begin with!

DGG: Then our job is complete! VICTORY TO THE GNOMES!

ACE PACE: I don’t get hockey humor.

DGG: QUIET! It matters little…for the next time we battle the Black Mages victory will be ours!

~FIN~

Reading that chapter with the Battle of Yaniv theme in the background made me

This story is full of LOL... great job Fanboy, and Where UPF?

Oh, good, I'm not a giant dis-embodied head... am I? AM I A GIANT FLOATING HITLER HEAD?!

Singular Quartet wrote:Oh, good, I'm not a giant dis-embodied head... am I? AM I A GIANT FLOATING HITLER HEAD?!

TO BE REVEALED...

Although I must say the floating head was a simulation, you managed to make a physical presence in the fight against Rye, so clearly you have some sort of body. Whether or not is is a human body or if it is a voodo incarnation of a deceased clown with your brain in a jar sewn inside I cannot say.

Singular Quartet wrote:Oh, good, I'm not a giant dis-embodied head... am I? AM I A GIANT FLOATING HITLER HEAD?!

Well looking at the story should clear this matter up:

Episode Two; The Battle wrote:SQ: (shrugs shoulders) I get that a lot, it comes with being an eccentric sorcerer living in a castle in the desert outside of Las Vegas.

So, seeing as you have shoulders, and the physical capability of shrugging them, I would say the probability of you being only a dis-embodied head is extremely small.

Seeing as how probabilities, real-world physical capabilities, and anything else having to do with reality is irrelevant in this story, I would be surprised if you weren't a dis-embodied head.

Episode III: Gratuitous Violence!

The Hellish Lair of the Gnomes Where they Live!

DARTH GARDEN GNOME: GRAND VIZIER ROGUE ICE! HURRY! BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!

ROGUE ICE: I’m working as fast as I can oh devil of disgustingness!

Rogue Ice finishes applying the various industrial grade lubricants to the distended anal birthing hole of DGG, DGG immediately begins spewing out a new army of Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers

DGG: Ahhh much better. You have no idea how much that hurts when you run dry.

RI: ......must...resist...amputating...hands....

DGG: HhHAhaHAHHAHA! You have touched the Sphincter of GREATNESS! Feel honored!

Rogue Ice cries.

DGG: Enough of your sobbing! I demand blood, and tacos! I believe it is time to invade a City of Great Importance!

RI: I concur your Excellency, but which city shall we conquer in the gname of gnomage?

DGG: An excellent point. I believe we shall invade the city of....ROSWELL NEW MEXICO!

RI: Ron Mexico?

DGG: No, Roswell

RI: Oh..I get it…but why?

DGG: Fool! We shall capture the city and take over the alien tourism industry once and for all!

RI: Oooookay, but if we completely invade it and overrun it....

DGG: We will use subterfuge to conquer Roswell at first. I shall deploy a team of my finest to infiltrate the town posing as lost Lord of the Rings fans posing as hobbitts. A new army of Gnomish Redshirt Soldiers will be deployed along the outskirts of the city as a contingent against the eventual Mage Counterattack.

RI: A Trap! Well played my lord. Fortunately Rye has recovered from his injuries and is prepared for battle.

DGG: NO! Rye has failed me miserably. Instead we will use our "Lawn Ornament" Special Forces.

RI: Are they even available?

DGG: Yes, their last Operation was a resounding success, The Pornography we need to carry out future operations has been stolen from the Monkey Headquarters.

RI: The Lawn Oranments discovered the BoTM Headquarters, I am impressed.

DGG: Yes, it is all thanks to General Lonestar. Turns out Banana Republic was merely a GALE force/BoTM Joint Operation to create a network of outposts while at the same time bringing in a large retail profit to fund their operations. The Lawn Oranment Special Forces worked wonders on this one. Enough with the chatting! Summon General Lonestar and CONQUER ROSWELL! And this time I have ordered my meal to be DELIVERED so that you cannot avoid my retribution with delicious tex-mex.

Black Mage Castle, somewhere outside of Albuquerque New Mexico

FANBOY: So let me get this straight, the secret hidden world is divided into...

SINGULAR QUARTER: Usergroups.

FANBOY: Yes, Usergroups, and where exactly do the Black Mages fall under?

SQ: The Black Mages are the elite of the elite, the elite of GALE, BoTM, HAB, all of the groups. We've been fighting the gnomes since before the Dawn of Time.

FANBOY: But if your group came after the other groups…

SQ: Time Paradox. Our elite formed the usergroups ages ago, in order to send our elite back in time in order to form the groups.

FANBOY: Riiiiiiiight.

KUJA: Minister of Sin! We're recieving a transmission from frank Hipper at GALE HQ.

SQ: Patch him through to the main room, Assemble the Black mages.

FANBOY: Well, have fun with that. Gonna go home now, There’s a can of Chef Boyardee and a jug of moonshine with my name on it

SQ: No, you are a part of this operation now.

FANBOY: Listen, I haven't seen those Cup tickets I was promised yet.

SQ: Who said that?

FANBOY: Fucko McGee over there. (Points at Kuja.)

SQ: You must understand, this is a paramilitary operation we run here…we have no need or use for Stanley Cup Tickets.

FANBOY: WELL I DO!

SQ: Listen, I hate to do this *begins chanting, casts a spell*

FANBOY: What the hell was that?

SQ: Its an ancient spell called "THE WRET’KAAN’"

FANBOY: What?

SQ: It allows the writer to get out of the Stanley Cup angle and straight to pointless bloodshed and it keeps the main character involved in the plot. Now, instead of wanting hockey tickets, you are far more interested in defeating the Gnomes in return for big rewards and your hatred of their ilk.

Fanboy: Is that good? Urrrr DERP I mean, lets take this call. Fuckin’ Gnome Bitches.

Television screen lowers, Frank Hipper is sitting around in a dirty "wife beater" tank top covered in gravy stains while smoking a cigar

FRANK HIPPER: (Belch) Singular Quartet are you there?

SQ: Umm Lord Hipper, this is a videoconference? Did you forget that? Should we switch to full audio?

FH: .......(shit, must maintain GALE Tyrant persona) I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT I LOOK LIKE RIGHT NOW (must re-label those switches) Anyways. I have some bad news. Operation "Banana Republic" has been compromised.

SQ: Damned...was it the gnomes?

FH: I'm afraid so, the BoTM lost nearly three metric tons of hardcore pornography and the GALE Force has been deprived of nearly three thousand gallons of...

Fanboy: Okay, listen I’m not anti gay or anything but this is just...

FH: ...experimental vehicle fuel to increase energy efficiency in our arsenal.

FANBOY: Oh, I thought you were going to say something like…

FH: …and several large vats of Industrial Grade sex lube that could keep the crew of a Russian Submarine oily for months.

A loud sire goes off.

FANBOY: Okay, you hear that? That's the too much information bell, and it’s ringing!

NITRAM: Master Quartet! Our Recon Patrol / Quesadilla Acquisition mission has uncovered Gnomish forces in the New Mexico region!

CYRAN: Did you have the Carne Asada, Pollo, or Carnitas?

NITRAM: Whichever one of those is chicken…

KUJA: Oh yes, this will be delicious. Nothing can stop me from enjoying these sacred treats.

SQ: There is no time for delicious Quesadillas. Our next mission is already upon us. The Black Mages and The Fanboy will depart and eliminate the Gnome presence. Frank, can we expect Forces from GALE?

FH: Unfortunately our resources are scattered at the moment, and the BoTM is on the defensive. The Mages will be on their own.

CYRAN: Our recon reports an entire Gnomish army, what about the Heavy Armor Brigade?

FH: A Possibility, but Sea Skimmer will demand more proof before committing himself to a full attack. The best you could get at this point would be a handful of tanks and they wouldn’t arrive for several hours.

SQ: I see, then there is no time. Mages, instead of the Black Paranoia Choppers perhaps you should take the Big Rigs, have Cyran load them with the heaviest weapons we have. I will stay behind, contact some of our other allies, oh and uhhh and guard the Quesadillas.

FANBOY: I know somewhere in that plan we're getting screwed. But for the sake of the plot we'll go.

Roswell New Mexico

XENOPHOBE: Darth Garden Gnome is wise! we Control Roswell New Mexico! home of aliens!

THIRD IMPACT: YAAAAAAAAYYYYY!

RESHIRT SOLDIER #13: Yes! Hail Gnomage!

XENOPHOBE: wait a minute...what number are you again?

GR 13: 13 sir! An original Model!

THIRD IMPACT: Oh hell....

The three Gnomes look down and notice they are standing in the middle of a city street. A Big Rig Driven by Black Mage Cyran plows into the three of them, splattering their entrails all over the entire city block.

CYRAN: Whats up now Bitches!

NITRAM: The war is on....There will be a lot of explosions...

KUJA: Well my MP is completely stocked, but ever since FF6 came out Ethers are a pian in the ass to find.

CYRAN: Bazookas Check, Grenade Launchers, Check, Auto Shotguns, Check..

Cyran pushes a button on the back of each of the Big rigs, unveiling a series of battle stations akin to those of Optimus Prime's trailer.

CYRAN: 90 mm Turret, check, Stinger missles, check, Beehive Bombs, check, Cases full of various Automatic Weapons, check.

TEVAR: Nitram’s dirty underpants, check.

NITRAM: I am saddened by this development.

CYRAN: Are we allowed to use Bio/Chem weapons?

KUJA: You're one to talk, if you had gotten your dirty mitts on some of that mexican food from earlier we could have just deployed your stank ass and been done with it.

CYRAN: I’d kill you for that, but then I couldn't kill you later, which is what I have planned.

KUJA: Eat me, fuckface.

CYRAN: No thanks, I’m on a low-bitch diet!

KUJA: Holy shit! It’s Angelina Jolie, and she’s nude! And she’s rubbing sour cream all over her nipples.

CYRAN: Amazing! And I just wrote about that fantasy in my diary last night!

Cyran turns his head as Kuja crushes his skull with a 2x4.

KUJA: Amazing! And I just read that in your diary this morning!

FANBOY: Listen, I hate to break up the bloodshed, which I find gratuitous and entertaining. But who and where are these other allies Singular Quartet was talking about?

NITRAM: I’m not sure. We don't usually have to call in the cavalry, and if it isn’t HAB, GALE, or BoTM then I have no idea. I am sure we will find out soon.

Thirty convenient seconds later…

ZAIA: Miss Me Boys?

KUJA: It’s that girl!

CYRAN: LOOK! Lots of Girls!

Kuja, certain Cyran has multiple vision from the skullthumping, turns to mock his friendly adversary, but is stunned by the sight of more women.

(Zaia and and a brigade Society of Sisters arrive at the battlefield, wearing an assortment of skintight tank tops and camouflage pants.)

DUCHESS OF ZEON: We're about to take on an entire Gnome army and these were all the weapons you could bring?

ZAIA: Good Work Tevar.

KUJA: Wait, you two know each other?

TEVAR: Lets play Six degrees of separation. Tevar is member of sisterhood, Black mages are elite force of many usergroups, Tevar joins Black Mages as part of this unit, undercover since we are secret society, Zaia is leader and it was no coincidence she was in Anaheim since it was an undercover mission.

NITRAM: One two three four five...yeah thats six. But if that was a fraud then what about…y’know?

TEVAR: We'll talk later pooky, I still love ya, right now we have to discuss strategy.

ZAIA: The Gnomes are trying to take over Roswell New Mexico, we stopped their insurgents before they could finish taking over the town and now they have decided to wipe out our military once and for all.

INNERBRAT: I've recieved word from Jmac, she has the additional ground forces we needed.

FANBOY: Really? How did a secret society manage to muster an entire army of foot soldiers?

ZSIS: Jmac attended a Trek convention dressed as Tasha Yar and said she would show her boobs to whomever died in battle for her. She also convinced several of them that we can alter Star Wrek’s canon policy. We now have a disposable army of several thousand sci-fi geeks hoping for a chance to get laid.

FANBOY: So all that playing around with men’s minds isn’t just a cruel trick?

ZAIA: We have our ways.

The ground troops arrive, in full costume, fake plastic weapons in hand.

JMAC: Now did you boys all remember to wear red?

GEEKS: YES LIEUTENANT YAR!

JMAC: Good, now remember, anyone not wearing red has a character shield and if even one dies, you guys wont get to touch yourselves tonight.

GEEKS: FOR the FederaTioN! YaaaaaaY!!!!!

DARKSTAR: *AHEM!*

JMAC: Oh right, and for all of the geeks here without any sort of sexual motivation, remember, the gnomes are part of an evil Star Wars conspiracy to make Trek look weak.

GRAHAM KENNEDY: EVEN THE ICS?

JMAC: yep.

GK: HOLY HOLO-POOP ON A TRANSPORTER PAD! DARKSTAR WE GOTTA STOP THEM!

RSA: Its the Battle of Britain All Over Again! For Chamberlain!

JMAC: Don't you mean Winston Churchill?

RSA: The basketball player?

*The troops have landed, oddly enough it bears more resemblance to the end of SW Episode II except replacing clone troopers with pimple faced trekkies.*

FANBOY: Begun, this gnome war has.

COMIC BOOK GUY: Worst. Attack of the Clones Reference. Ever.

A rumbling over the Horizon. This would be the perfect time to cue some hardcore Ground battle music.

The gnomish redshirt soldiers begin their charge at the same time the trekkies begin theirs. The two waves of disposable crimson soldiers begin tearing each other to pieces. The assembled fighters of the Sisterhood and Black Mages (and our masculine hero THE FANBOY) take their places on the big rig battle stations. Firing various mortars and rocket launchers into the fray, several gnomes burst into midget sized bursts of shredded organs and tissue. Others are hideously deformed and amputated by the varying blasts.

Large explosions ring out in the thick of battle, unfortunately the Gnomish soldiers are easily taking the upper hand. Several Trekkies however, have beguna blond charge into the ranks of the Gnome lines.*

RSA: RAbid wARiE BAStardS! haVE A DOSE of GALAXY CLASS DEATH!

Gnomish Reshirt Soldiers 13845 has laughed himself to death, RSA stabs the corpse

GK: Set Phasers to Asswhooping! nee HAW!

Graham Kennedy is ambushed by three Gnomes from behind, the Gnomes climb on his back,knock him down, and tear at his flesh.

GK: DARKSTAR! The Warsies are using Dirty Tactics! They are using unfair advantages in speed and strength and numbers!*

RSA: Have no fear and Don't Worry! We are Winning!

the Gnomish Redshirt soldiers have reduced the Sci Fi Geek Army to a mere fraction of its former strength with few losses by comparison.

FSNBOY: We’re losing our cannon fodder! Fanboy leaps behind a stack of sandbags and begins firing rounds from an AK 47 into an on rush of Gnomes. Next time why don’t you hit up a furry convention. Those anthropomorphic fucks would stand a better chance at an NRA meeting than these damned trektards!

ZAIA: I promised Cannon Fodder, not commandos!

Kuja runs out of mortar shells and Cyran's turret runs empty at the same time. They both cringe and look towards each other.

CYRAN: No Bullets..you know what that means.

KUJA: Magic time.

CYRAN: On three, let’s smoke these motherfuckers with a pair of Thundagas.

KUJA: We wont hit enough of them (Kuja is hit in the chest by the arrow of a Gnomish Archer) GAH! Damn.

CYRAN: Shit! You assholes are going to pay for that! HAAAAAAAA-DOOOOOOOO-KEEEEEEEEEEENNNN!!!!!!!

A giant burst of energy tears a massive hole in the earth and hundreds of Gnomish soldiers die.

CYRAN: Kuja!

KUJA: Coughs up some blood. Damn, That was good, but, you dont have any magic left do you…

CYRAN: Its ok...those peckerheads don’t know what hit em. How’s the wound?

KUJA: It’s bad, but there's no way I’m going out like a punk...

CYRAN: Don’t try to use Magic, you think you’re some kind of Red Mage? I mean seriously what the fuck is up with that, you’d think white magic and black magic combined would be a GREY MAGE, but nooooo, fucking Red Mages. Crazy bastards.

KUJA: Just set up up with one of those machine guns over there…points at a crate of automatic weapons marked “Fun Awesome Shit.”

CYRAN: Hey, Woundy McBleedingpants, you’re in no condition to be fighting.

KUJA: To hell with that! I'll be damned if i'm not fighting this one out. Get me my fucking gun!

The two soldiers share a glance at each other and nod. Cyran hands Kuja a large Ghurka knife.

CYRAN: If we're overrun...

KUJA: Tear out their hearts one by one, I gotcha.

On one of the other trailers, Lusankya, Pick, and Aerius are carrying two high powered automatic rifles and firing them, the sounds of gnomes dying sounds like wet lettuce being torn to a pulpy mess.

AERIUS: The Will to Live and the Sheer Joy of Destruction! YOU FREAKS DON'T STAND A CHANCE!

LUSANKYA: That’s right sister!

AERIUS: I’m not a woman!

LUSANKYA: Looks over and cautiously eyes Aerius, who despite his maleness, is somehow a part of the Society of Sisters. For the purposes of this exercise you are now a woman! Lusankya turns toward Aerius and kicks him very hard in the genitals with a steel toed boot.

PICK: Slightly counter productive. But I approve!

Gnomish wave attacks begin to overwhelm the defenders of Roswell.

ZAIA: We're going to have to think of something. Our disposable soldiers have been completely obliterated and the last lines have been breached maybe we should...

FANBOY: DUCK!!!!!

Gnomish Archers begin firing torch arrows, one of them hits an ammo crate and a big rig explodes. Fanboy Pushes Innerbrat and Zaia out of the way at the cost of his own safety, taking a fiery arrow in the shoulder in the process. Nitram counters by using an Aero Spell, sending a large rush of flames back towards the Gnomish Archers.

ZAIA: Why did..why did you do that?

Fanboy tries to sit up, the smoke is still coming off of his body ns he is badly burned*.

FANBOY: Its okay, I ...ack...owed you one after screwing up at Disneyland right? Besides, I managed to put up a character shield at the last second.

INNERBRAT: Zaia! They're breaking through! The Gnomes have nearly overran our position, The Mages and the other Sisters have engaged in close quarters combat but there’s too many. We can’t fight that many.

FANBOY: there's only erggh…one of us that can fight close combat battles like this. Z, bring me that boat oar.

INNERBRAT: How can the boat oar avoid incineration?

Fanboy: It’s made from Morning Wood. No way it’s going out like that. Listen, Get in the Truck Cabs and take off. I'll handle this.

ZAIA: No way, we have to get you out of here first.

FANBOY: Its okay, I've got one last trick up my sleeve, (reaches into his wallet, pulls out a small card.)

ZAIA: What's this?

FANBOY: Its a Visa Gold, buy yourself something sexy and wait for me at the black mage castle...

Zaia slaps fanboy across the face and he starts laughing silently to himself. Zaia does not refuse the credit card, however.

ZAIA: turns to Innerbrat Let's go.

INNERBRAT: There's no way he'll survive though, not against that many gnomes and not with a wound like that.

ZAIA: Listen, if he's still strong enough to be a complete pig then he’s strong enough to keep fighting. That’s his way.

Zaia and Innerbrat each draw a sidearm and make a mad dash for the remaining truck cabs. The other Mages and Sisters, tired and wounded all of them take off at full speed.

CYRAN: Its a little cramped don't you think?

DUCHESS: We can always tie you to the rear bumper.

CYRAN: I think I'll take my chances with cramps.

JMAC: Oh I have cramps; believe me you’d rather be tied to the back of the truck.

At this point the nearest female has broken into the author's residence and slapped him mercilessly for 15 seconds.

The Gnomish Armies continue their charge, a small but dedicated group of Trektards hold out until the end.

RSA: FELLOW STARFLEET OFFICERS! GET IN A CIRCLE! FORM AN IMPENETRABLE WALL OF IGNORANCE!

GK: You mean invincibility?

RSA: Same thing! TAKE THIS YOU RABID WARSIE ASSHOLES!

GK: What are you going to do?

RSA: I’m going to use THIS BAT’LETH!

GK: YAY! The ultimate Hand to hand combat Weapon!

RSA: Uh oh, there’s subspace interference...I’m not able to fight with superhuman Klingon speed and strength automatically!

The Trekkies are overran by Gnomish hordes and devoured. Those who partake in the devouring though, suffer massive brain hemmorhages and die.

FANBOY: Well the Special Ed Army is extinct. I guess its about that time.

Fanboy stands up, and stares down a force of One Hundred Thousand Gnomes.

FANBOY: SCHOOL OF THE EMERALD PIMPISH WALTZ! TECHNIQUES OF THE DIAMOND STRUT! I CALL UPON THE ESSENCE OF PURE STYLE!

Fanboy's body begins to regenerate, a glow of energy surrounds him, anime style.

FANBOY: I've got to get them to surround me, or this aint gonna work. ...Okay then.

Fanboy hefts the boat oar and begins charging into the Gnomish formation, swinging the oar in several graceful motions while maintaining his dead sprint. He didn't bother to take the time to kill the gnomes he was attacking. They would be dead soon enough.

FANBOY: Okay this should be good enough…AWRIGHT! This is my first time performing this particular solo. But don't blink and listen closely! There isn’t going to be an encore!

Fanboy drops the boat oar, stands his ground, and begins going through a series of martial arts moves, there was no longer any visible glow of energy, nothing to warn the Gnomes of what was about to happen.

FANBOY: thinking to himself. Okay the theatrics should keep them at bay until they figure out this is complete bullshit, I'll do the move as soon as they close in.

And not too much later the gnomes did start to close in. And Fanboy raised his hands to the air. Instantly the ground around him exploded, An eplosion of white light accompanied by a mushroom cloud.

FANBOY: As he is engulfed in a cloud of light, burning hotter than the sun It works….

The Big Rigs were far away now, everyone saw the explosion though. The ersatz convoy stopped.

CYRAN: Holy shit...did we pack nukes with us?

KUJA: (coughing) No, that was no nuke...that was..that was pretty cool though...

TEVAR: Zaia? Where are we headed with this?

ZAIA: Black Mage Castle...no point heading back now. There are no survivors. I think that was the Lunar Breakdown.

CYRAN: The what?

ZAIA: Its part of a forgotten fighting style, no one has practiced it in years. The last master, Gary Stu, died about ten years ago. It encompasses pure style and manifestation of both Ego and Confidence.

TEVAR: So that blast was what exactly?

ZAIA: It was all of Fanboy's Ego, Confidence and Style, manifested into destructive energy. And if he hadn't been such a cocky jerk then we'd still be fighting a massive gnome army right about now.

A solemn castle Black Mage, somewhere outside of Santa Fe

SINGULAR QUARTET: I see, so the Sisterhood has decided to fight the Gnomes directly now?

ZAIA: Correct, we can't afford to bide our time anymore now that the Gnomes have the fuel and pornography they need.

SQ: And the one known as Fanboy is dead?

ZAIA: The Lunar Breakdown was enormous, it’s the biggest blast they’ve seen in the southwest since the Manhattan Project.

SQ: A pity, would have been useful, I knew he was strong but damned.

Kuja limps in.

KUJA: Lord Singular, we're getting a transmission. Its Frank Hipper again.

SQ: We'll take it in here. In the mean time try and contact Sea Skimmer or Field Marshal Sheppard. We have our proof now and we're going to have to coordinate with the HAB so that this never happens again.

KUJA: You know we never found a body...

SQ: We've lost soldiers before Kuja, this one is no different.

FRANK HIPPER: Singular Quartet! Congratulations on your victory at Roswell. That’s the largest Gnome Army defeated in over ten years!

SQ: Ten years. Back then it took the last known Master of Style to save the world.

FH: True, but they’re gone, lost to history.

SQ: That’s not entirely true. A Master of Style helped us win today also.

FH: Excuse me?

SQ: The Human Fighter, the Unknown Soldier, was a Master of Style. The only reason we won was because of a Lunar Breakdown attack.

FH: Son of a...is he?

SQ: Nods gravely.

FH: Ok...Best not to dwell on it then. I trust that you know this man here.

Haas Mark walks on screen next to Hipper.

SQ: by Reputation mostly, Former GALE agent and master of the BoTM Verilon?

Haas Mark: That was my code name, I go by Haas Mark now, listen, we cannot afford to let the Gnomes take over the planet. SEGNOR has to be stopped and now that GALE and BoTM are reorganized we can now fight back and regain control of this war. Castle Black Mage should head towards New York. I realize it’s a long trip but we've assembled the combined leadership of the forums. The Writers Guild has agreed to host on the grounds we and the HAB provide the security.

SQ: Done, Castle Black Mage is enroute. Just one question, how did you get the HAB on board?

Hipper: The Gnomes struck again, they stole some top secret prototype tanks. Unfortunately the HAB tests all of their equipment on chimpanzees, whih means that the Gnomes were able to steal devastating equipment already scaled to their size that they can easily replicate.. What’s worse is that since the gnomes are so small it will take fewer resources for them to build those weapons with a scaled down design. Within the next three months, the Gnomes will have a powerful army, and they will no longer be constrained to middle ages style warfare.


The wretched Chamber pot of hell that is the Gnomish lair!

RI: my lord, I apologize for the interruption but

DGG: SILENCE! I AM PLAYING NINTENDO! CUrSE yOU MaRio! YOUR LEAPING SKILLS LEAVE MUCH TO BE DEsIRED!

RI: The attack on Roswell has failed... over one hundred thousand gnomes have been slain.

DGG: Yes, I know.

RI: It was a Master of Style sir... The most charismatic, sexy, strong power, and character shielded opponent we had ever faced.

DGG: Even if it was, he is dead now. He was killed by his own Deus Ex Machina. Lunar Breakdowns aren't kind to the fighter. That would require an ego so massive and obnoxious no human could possibly physically have one.

RI: Despite the setback we did manage to slaughter an opposing army in the process.

DGG: Even that consolation matters little.

RI: They were mostly desperate virgins and Star Trek fans, double checks information on a sheet of paper, no wait. They were all both desperate virgins and trekkies.

DGG: Well that is kind of nice. BUT IT MATTERS NOT! For I have come upon new information, that turns this into a complete and total victory!

RI: Oh?

DGG: Our enemies think they can join forces, and combine their efforts against us. But this simly places our enemies in one location to be destroyed!

RI: An excellent plan Majesty, but how can we accomplish such a thing?

DGG; I have spent the entire day consuming fire, mexican food, and drinking coffee, a new Army of Gnomish Redshirt soldiers will rise by tomorrow, their forces are not so easily replenished. Also, with the HAB plans we have stolen...bWAHAHAHHA!!!!!

RI: Before each night is done our secret plot unfurls; before the dawning of the sun we'll take over the world!

DGG: Oh yes! The motto! I nearly forgot. Hang some signs with that around here will ya? oh, and get me some cookies, and tang.

RI: My liege?

DGG: YEs?

RI: Why aren't there any girl gnomes?

DGG: A genetic defect, the reason for my evolution into the hermpahroitic creature you see today. Gnomish women die after bleeding for five days, their tiny circulatory systems couldnt handle it.

RI: Oh,

DGG: But HUMAN WOMEN WILL BE OURS! As soon as we conquer the world.

RI: YAAAAYYYY!!!!!!

IS THIS THE END OF DARTH FANBOY?



STAY TUNED FOR THE GNEXT GNEW GNOME HUNTER! Is Darth Fanboy going to survive the rewrite? Will the Gnomes renew the offensive? Will soccer still suck? The answer to these questions is yes!

The fact that Lady Tevar is also a member of the Sisterhood confused me. I thought she was married? Does this mean she's bisexual, or are you just making that up for the sake of the story?

SOS is an all girls organization, orientation matters not. At least as far as I know.