MST4K: Special Edition Four A: Ranma Rampage (Long)(P1/3)
Posted: 2007-04-05 11:07am
The last really long one before I go back to the small ones for a good long while. The MST'd fics are generally better this time, though that doesn't actually mean much. It means you're less likely to claw your eyes out.
Sorry for the delay, but I figure everyone needed a break after Oscartoon and it got away from me.
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Tim Jewett 05/21/01
Mordacy Sarcasm Theatre Four Thousand; Special Editions
Episode four: RANMA RAMPAGE!
In the not too distant future...
(Tim pops up and blast the opening sequence with a buster gun)
Tim: Let's get on with it, shall we?
(Satellite of Lust, sometime after the beginning of time)
(The outer room is Quiet. Tim is wearing a black version of Ranma's clothes, and he is reading a Ranma 1/2 manga. Graham is wearing a Ranma 1/2 T-shirt and is playing "super dance party" on Tim's pirated copies. After about a minute, Tim holds up a sign saying)
Tim: [Can you guess who the guest commentator is today?] (flip) [Or do you need more time and/ or hints?]
Graham: Hey! I just unlocked the Jusenkyo guide as a playable character!
Tim: He's not a playable character... has my game been possessed again?
(Ranma walks out of the guestway express)
Ranma: Got your message guys.
Tim: So how was your time with Akane in my hyperbolic time chamber?
Ranma: Do we HAVETA talk about that right now?
Graham: No, but inquiring minds want to know. Hey! I just unlocked Doctor Tofu!
Tim: So, anyways, what are you gonna do about the other fiancee's now?
Ranma: Can I borrow a bazooka?
Tim: I think I have one ready for usage, yeah.
Ranma: What are we doing today?
Tim: Four Ranma 1/2 fanfics... Two by Mike Rhea, one called "Ranma kills!" and finally, one by a guy named Sheep.
Ranma: Great... Lemons?
Graham: Yeah, the first one, but it's with Ukyo
Ranma: Me, with Ukyo? HAHAHA! She's practically my sister!
Tim: The Sheep fic is just plain bizarre.
(Shallow Twelve)
Artlu: Are we all caught up yet?
Tim: Very much so, signor! Gotten your invention ready for this week?
(Graham comes over and Ranma takes his place at the video game)
Artlu: Yes, I have in fact. It's a computer virus. the Y2K1 virus. It's nothng particulalrly lethal, but it has the annoying habit of shutting your computer down at random intervals.
Tim: So it's Windows 95 all over again?
Artlu: No, it doesn't freeze your computer. It actually randomly shuts off your computer while you're in the middle of some important project.
Tim: Don't look now, Artlu, but your computer just shut itself down.
Artlu: DAMN, and I hadn't saved it either! But I know it works! All I need to do is remember all that coding. Now what was YOUR invention?
Ranma: I just unlocked someone else! Hey, Who the hell is Bun-Bun?
(SOL)
Tim: Our invention is called the "Zero Virus" after Zero from MMX.
Artlu: He's already got a virus named after him.
Graham: Yes, but our version's different. We were thouroughly disgusted by the pansy that is Megaman X in MMX four.
Tim: The voice utterly sucked ass. Almost as bad as the voice of megaman in Captain N. That's why we created the TrueZero Virus. It's programming is simple. find a pissy reploid, and make him cooler.
Graham: Like giving X a male voice, for one.
Tim: Yeah. We also have a biological version in the works. first test subject, MARK!
Artlu: Not bad... not bad at all. I'll have to try it on Melvin someday... Have a fic, on me.
Ranma: Hey! Tim, I just unlocked YOU as a playable character!
Tim: Well, that cinches it, my game's possessed.
(Klaxons wail)
All: FANFIC!
Door 7: It's the standard exterior door, with one little twist. It doesn't exist.
Door 6: It's repeated twice more. Not stopping to think what that means, you rush on.
Door 5: It's an open elevator shaft. You hop to the other side
Door 4: It's a church. You quietly make your way through, but let one rip as you exit.
Door 3: Three Busty Amazons guard the way. You hand them a Triptych about Trowa. Resisting the urge to suggest a Menage a troi, you scoot by while their attention is diverted.
Door 2: It's afraid of what's on the other side and reluctantly opens.
Door 1: A Switchblade wielding Mini-lop guards the way. You tell him about the three Babes at door three and he gets out of your path.
>The endless deluge of "Ranma and Akane admit their true romantic
>feelings for one another" fanfics is bad enough.Even more disturbing,
>it seems that whenever I look for Ranma fanfics,I always seem to run
>into at least one anti-Ukyou fanfic.
Tim: And I always run into a tentacle lemon. What's yer point?
>As a knight of the spatula girl's engagement to Ranma Saotome,
Ranma: Who knighted you?
Graham: Bet it wasn't one of the round table
Tim: I'd be willing to believe triangular table...
>not only have I run into too many of these anti-Ukyou fics
Ranma: His insurance is way up because of it
>(Sean Gaffney's "Sour Times" takes the cake,
All: COME BACK HERE WITH THAT CAKE!
>as does a certain rape fic by Jeffrey "One Shot" Wong in which I've
>not only managed to avoid reading after reading the description on
>his fanfic page without ever clicking the link to his fic,
Tim: So the message you want to give to the youth of America is judgement upon first sight?
Graham: Bigots of america! Founding member, Mike Rhea!
>but I've also managed to avoid his page.
>And I don't ever want to read that fic,in which fortunately I don't
>know the title of.),
All: (stunned)
Ranma: You not only judge the fic without reading it, but you don't even know the title?
Tim: That's kinda disturbing. People who don't even try and tough it out are what makes this world a cowardly place.
Graham: Like Mark?
Tim: ESPECIALLY Mark!
>these such fics(nearly all in which Ranma chooses Akane)ARE
>TURNING MY STOMACH.
Ranma: Because it turns my stomach to see a story the way the original writer intended it. Wait, how the hell do I know that I'm part of a Manga and Anime series?
Tim: Yer basically OOC. Relax, don't think about it. We don't.
>Thus,I've written my first lemon fanfic as an EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE
>ME!
Graham: Did you belch, throw up, or fart?
Tim: I am sorry, but that is not a valid excuse.
>Disclaimer:
Ranma: This fic bites
>None of these characters are mine,
All: THANK THE GODS!
>and no copyright infringement is intended.
Tim: But is, nontheless, occurring
>This fic is not intended to offend people
Graham: So it's an accident is what you're saying?
>who pair Ukyou with Ryouga(a pairing that would be OK if I was pairing
>Ranma with Shampoo,Nabiki,Kasumi,or Kodachi;all of whom are better
>bridal choices for Ranma than Akane).
Ranma: I'm sure HE knows ME a whole lot better than I do.
Tim: Manga volume 38, last two pages. NUFF SAID! And I say Ukyo and Konatsu myself.
Ranma: I agree.
>LEMON WARNING:
Tim: When life hands you a lemon...
Graham: Make lemonade?
Tim: No, throw it at somebody.
>Yes,there are strong sex scenes in this fic.
Ranma: They can benchpress 800 pounds!
>If you are underage and/or
Tim: Hm... This is ironic...
Graham: What?
Tim: A lemon fic that he warns for underage people not to read, yet the characters in it are underage.
Ranma: That is ironic. Kinda spooky too.
>are offended by such material,please hit the BACK button on your web
>browser
Tim: Much like Mike did with those anti-ukyo fics!
Graham: Dangit, no BACK button in the theatre!
>(you have been warned). Otherwise,read on.
>A Wet Dream Come True
Ranma: Everyone's left me and Akane alone and it's the OAV us?
Graham: Solaria and me in a tub of jello and whipped cream?
Tim: Taking a pressure washer to Oscar?
(they look at him funny)
Tim: WHAT? A pessure washer would make him explode! His cells would soak up so much water they'd just POP! And anyways, it does say WET dream!
>(A Ranma 1/2 Lemon Fanfic)
>by Mike Rhea
>*********************************************************
Graham: Is it christmas already?
Tim: That's supposed to christmas in July, not MAY.
Ranma: Either way, we ARE at ground zero...
>Ranma walked through the door
Ranma: I gotta remember to open it next time...
>of Ucchan's Okonomiyaki.
Tim: Since when have doors been on the topping menu at Ukyo's?
Graham: Since Ukyo started smoking weed?
>The bathtub at the Tendou residence was broken again, but Ranma
>didn't want to go to the public baths with Happousai,
Ranma: Well, no DUH!
>as he didn't want a repeat of that one time in which the old lech
>embarrassed him and got away with it.
Ranma: When the hell would THAT be? He's never gotten away with it...
>Once he walked in,he sat at the counter where his best friend Ukyou,a
>bit discouraged by lack of customers,greeted him.
Ranma: Ukyo's is usually packed!
Tim: It's a lemon. They've left customers out so you can have sex uninterrupted.
Ranma: I see. Fat chance of the sex or the uninterruption happening, though...
>"Hungry,Ran-chan?" she inquired.
Tim: No I just randomly wanderred into a restaurant for the scenery. OF COURSE I'm hungry!
>"Do you have beef okonomiyaki,Ucchan?" he returned.
Graham: No.
Ranma: What kind of Okonamiyaki DOESN'T she have?
Tim: Cat flavor.
Ranma: No, that was on the menu just last week... I hope it's a joke...
>"It'll be just a couple of minutes,Ran-chan."
Tim: It had better be. Otherwise I might just go Toranoken and rip the theatre apart again...
>About 2 minutes later,
Tim: I see you listened...
>Ukyou placed a dish with a heart-shaped okonomiyaki in front of her fiance.
Ranma: That was cliche as hell.
>She then walked around the counter, placed another plate next to
>him,and sat down.
Graham: in the Okonamiyaki.
Tim (Ukyo): Does your seat feel... warm, Ranma?
Ranma: Strangely enough, it does!
>They engulfed their plates and were done within 4 minutes.
Tim: Note to readers: we are six minutes into the fic, I repeat SIX minutes in!
>"Ucchan,the bathtub at the Tendou Doujou is broken,and I don't want to
>deal with Happousai at the public bathhouse.
Graham: Author is writing redundantly redundant writing.
>Can I please use your bathtub?" inquired Ranma.
Ranma: And NO Ukyo, you can't join in!
>"Help yourself,Ran-chan" replied Ukyou.
Tim: I wonder what would have happened if you had needed bathing supplies...
Ranma: Huh? Oh Shampoo. Heaven help us if I asked to borrow Cologne...
>Unaware that Ukyou would finally have him right where she wants him,
Ranma: Sweden?
Graham: Denmark?
Tim: Two seats to my right?
>Ranma walked upstairs to the bathroom,undressed,and walked straight
>into the bathtub.
Ranma: My knee!
Tim: God Ranma, you are a KLUTZ in this fic!
>Meanwhile,two minutes later,
Tim: Eight minutes in!
Graham: So is it NOW, or two minutes later? Make up your mind!
>Ukyou closed the restaurant early;then walked upstairs to her room,where
>she undressed before walking into the bathroom where her fiance was
>taking a bath.
Ranma: Mike's laying it on as quietly as a malleting back home...
>While taking a bath,Ranma realized that
Tim: He was naked in his fiancee's bathroom. He then set the world land speed record- for jet cars, getting the hell out of there.
>the soap was just outside the bathtub.Unaware that Ukyou had just walked
>into the bathroom stark nude,
Tim: Naked. or in this case, Nekkid. cause Naked means you're not wearing clothes. Nekkid means you're Naked AND yer up ta somthing!
>Ranma walked out of the bathtub.At that moment,Ukyou blushed
>profusely,then took an excellent look at her fiance.
All: (Jewish accent) Oi! Again vit de walking through things!
>She remembered when Ranma was weakened by that moxibustion
Ranma: Which one?
Tim: That one.
Ranma: So who's on first?
Graham: And WHAT is writing this fic?
>and when Genma showed her revealing pictures of her fiance(In fact,on
>the second picture,she told Genma "Move your fingers!").
Tim: Ukyo is a hentai... I mean, whattaya expect?
>However,her excellent look at her nude fiance didn't go unreturned:
Graham: Since it was lost in delivery
>Ranma,too,took an an excellent at how beautiful and desirable her body
>looked.
Ranma: Yep. I'm a looker all right!
>Her breasts,normally covered in breast bindings,were very
>pleasant to look at.
Graham: And I supppose Akane's look like a sack of potatoes?
Ranma: Like white pillows... Umm... That is to say...
Tim: Calm down. We'll just say you were OOC. Say whatever you want!
>He had accidentally seen Akane and Shampoo au naturel,but it obviously
>couldn't top what he was seeing in his cute fiancee right before him.
Tim: I defer comment to the Horse's Mouth.
Ranma: Hey. Akane's the only fiancee I've "reacted" to... Hey! Whattaya mean, "Horse's Mouth?"
>Ukyou then notiiced that Ranma was steadily looking at her,too.
Graham: Steady now...
Tim and Ranma: Oi! Again vit da looking!
>*Kawaii,*thought Ranma to himself as he felt a twitch in front of
>where his legs meet.
Tim: His prostate gland?
>Suddenly,his looks began to make Ukyou feel a bit uncomfortable as her
>already profuse blush deepened.Unable to take it anymore,she grabbed
>a spare giant spatula that she kept in the bathroom and
Ranma: Why she kept one there, we'll never know...
>whacked Ranma on the head with it.
Tim: She whacks HIM for walking in on him. Ukyo, and the author, are PSYCHOTIC!
>For a brief moment,Ranma was unconscious from the blow.
Ranma: No sick comments. PERIOD.
Tim: Ehhh, blow it all ta hell then.
>Then,as Ukyou was still looking at him,Ranma suddenly
>felt very lusty.He then started walking slowly towards Ukyou.
Graham: You dirty rat... You smacked my noggin...
>**Music:"I Want Your Sex,"by George Michael**
Tim: I'll take the MUTE seeting, please...
Graham: Or more appropriately, Porno music!
Tim: Wahkicha, wahkicha, wahkicha.
>Suddenly,Ukyou started feeling a bit uneasy and pale.Then,suddenly,her
>conscience and anti-conscience appeared on each side of her head.
>The anti-conscience told her *Run for your life!He's gonna rape you*.
All: Anti-conscience... riiight.
Graham: Wouldn't the "Anti-conscience" WANT him to rape her?
Tim: And wasn't that her intent in the first place?
>On the other hand,her conscience told her
Tim: Stay good Ukyo, Please stay good!
>*Get a grip!This is your own fiance!Not only is he supposed to do
>this,you been dreaming of him doing this to you for at least a decade!*.
Ranma: Is it even possible for six year olds to have sexual thoughts?
Tim: As I best I can figure, hell no! And she wanted to kill you for ten years anyways!
Graham: Could this be a darkfic in disguise?
>Then,Ranma suddenly interrupted his fiancee's uneasiness with these
>words:
Tim: See you in hell, bitch!
Graham: Oil can, oil can!
Ranma: Ukyo, why are you standing naked over me and what have you done with Akane?
>"Ucchan,this may hurt at first;but if my stupid old man had told me in
>the first place that you were truly a girl,I wouldn't have chosen
>okonomiyaki.I'm not making that same mistake again."
Tim: (Genma) Son Ukyo is a girl, do you like her or Okonamiykai better?
Ranma: I'da still said Okonamiyaki. I didn't even know what a girl WAS when I was six! And I thought Ukyo was a guy! Pop just thought I KNEW she was a girl!
>Ukyou blushed profusely after hearing what Ranma had just said.At
>the same time,her nipples hardened
Tim: (Reading a scientific magazine) Alert me when it gets interesting...
>and her love petals began to stir in arousal
All: Put it all in Bowl, baby... Stir it with a wooden spoon...
>as Ranma finally cornered her.
>For a long time,Ranma had treated Ukyou no more than a mere old
>friend.That,suddenly would change immediately:
Ranma: He would now treat her as a sibling and give her repeateded noogies...
Tim: It also would change quickly and fastly.
>Ukyou bit her lip to stifle a cry of pain as she felt Ranma's hardness
>break her virgin barrier.
Tim: Foreplay, ever heard of it?
Ranma: Hell, even I'VE heard of foreplay, and I was raised by my dad!
>"Gomen nasai,Ucchan,"said a somewhat worried Ranma.
Graham: Somewhat worried? She's bleeding on his dick and he's SOMEWHAT worried?
>"It's OK,Ran-chan.I was hoping you'd do that.Please continue." replied
>Ukyou.
Tim: Ukyo's a masochist? She just said she WANTED to be in pain... odd...
>Ranma then continued thrusting repeatedly.
Ranma: I'm bored. Wanna play checkers?
>Though he had felt guilty about doing this to his one true friend.,he
>understood that Ukyou had been dreaming of this and that it didn't
>hurt her even a fraction of how much Genma's dirty trick did at least
>a decade earlier.
Tim: If that paragraph made a LICK of sense, I'm sure I could've made a good comment about it.
>Besides, pleasure had begun to erase the pain in Ukyou's nether regions.
All: We're off to nether nether land!
Tim: Hentai Peter Pan... Almost disturbing...
>She and Ranma began moaning in pleasure and unison.Their hips
>pulsed together in hard rhythmic understanding.
Tim: Okay, everybody! A one, a one, a one, two, three, four!
>As they pumped,their breathing became ragged,
Ranma: (reading a newspaper)
>and there was a slight squelching sound as they kept
>pumping while Ranma began to fondle Ukyou's breasts.
Tim: Squelching? And that is one heck of a bad run-on sentence.
Graham: Commas, use them!
>Ukyou then wrapped her legs around Ranma's as he lifted her into the
>air as the climax approached.
Ranma: Ho hum... I'm fucking my best friend... how boring...
Tim: Wake me when the world ends...
>Her moans only got louder as Ranma continued pumping.
Tim: Shaddap, I'm trying to sleep!
>With one final thrust from Ranma,Ukyou came.
Graham: To her senses, as the passion spice she had eaten earlier had just worn off.
>"RAN-CHAAAAAAAAAAAN,I LOVE YOU!,"
Tim: I said QUIET!
>she shouted as the ecstasy of an orgasm overcome her body,her love
>juices dribbling out of her sex.
Tim: I give up. I can't sleep with all this shouting! Oh hey! I just realized that was the lemon scene!
Ranma: Coulda fooled me...
>Just after his fiancee came,Ranma wouldn't last long himself.As soon
>as he felt her fluid touch his balls,he too climaxed.
>"UCCHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN,I love you too!" he shouted
>as he squirted his load all the way inside of her.
All: (PLaying a three way Quake deathmatch) Whoops! We have a fic to MST!
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH..."
Tim: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
>they both said as Ukyou felt Ranma's fluid spray inside of her,
Tim: Clinically stark lemon. You too can write just like Mike!
Graham: Then I DON'T wanna be like Mike.
>as about the same time the sound of an alarm clock awakened Ukyou
>from her dream.
Ranma: So this entire fic was nothing more than one of Ukyo's dreams?
>*********************************************************
>Ukyou awakened from the dream
Tim: You just told us that, remember?
>to find something warm on top of her.
Graham: P-chan what are you doing here?
Ranma: Oh, he's dirty, Ukyo had better give him a nice WARM bath...
>That something was her own husband,Ranma Saotome.
Ranma: News to me.
>Both were stark naked and "joined" at the pelvis.
Tim: Krazy glue and sex, BAD combination.
>It was their first wedding anniversary,and it has also been that long
>since they abandoned Nerima for their current home in western Kyoto.
Ranma: Heehee...
Graham: Huh?
Ranma: Ukyo's last name, translated to english means "to the east of the capitol", meaning the old capitol Kyoto, where she's from.
Tim: I think that's an unintentional funny, since this looks like a fuzzy fic. No humor involved.
Graham: IE, the exact opposite of your fics, where EVERYTHING has humor involved.
Tim: By the way 1 year, ten minutes in.
>"So it wasn't a dream after all,Ran-chan,"said Ukyou.
Ranma: Huh? Wha? AAACK! What the hell am I doing in bed with Ukyo? AAAAGH!
>"Of course it wasn't,Ucchan.
Tim: It was a nightmare.
>When I told you in the bath that a truly loved you more than
>okonomiyaki,it was no lie.
Ranma: In the same sense that Pop never lied to me...
>You are the only true friend that I've ever had.You've never made me
>feel uncomfortable.
Tim: I would disprove you, Manga Volume, chapter, and page, but I don't have 'em with me right now.
>Akane always made me feel uneasy.That fateful day in the bathroom
Graham: It was the GOOD kind of uneasy though.
Tim: The "God damn I like her but how the hell do I tell her" kind.
Ranma: WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE THAT? Even if IS true!
>was truly a wake up call.You are truly kawaii from the inside out,no
>matter what you wear." replied Ranma.
Tim: I give you the randonimity award! That sentence was UTTERLY Random!
>**Music:"Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company**
Graham: (singing) Feel like throwing up!
Tim: Thanks for the parody idea...
>Realizing that today was the slowest day of the week business-wise,
>Ukyou told her husband "Ran-chan,my legs are weak.Why don't we
>not worry about the restaurant today and spend our anniversary in the
>bedroom making passionate love to each other instead?"
Ranma: Damn. Not even Shampoo was ever THAT blunt.
Tim: Wouldn't that just make her legs even weaker?
>"Anything for you,Ucchan my love,"replied Ranma.
>Together,Ranma and Ukyou got down to business..with each other.
Tim: As opposed to the day before where Ranma went off with his TRUE true love, Akane, and Ukyo had a fling in the back room with Kontasu.
>Since that fateful nude encounter,
Tim: Volume one, chapter one?
>cooking okonomiyaki hasn't been Ukyou Saotome's lone livelyhood.The
>other livelyhood is that she's been living a decade long dream,on that
>has become...a wet dream come true.
Graham: Oh, gag me with a forklift!
Tim: That's the WORST title insertion I've ever seen!
>Overhearing yet another romantic moment between his daughter and
>son-in-law,Mr.Kuonji,who reunited with his daughter as soon as
>Ranma finally chose her as his bride,thought to himself *Ranma
>Saotome,you have made me and my daughter proud of you once again.*
Tim: Isn't he DEAD?
Ranma: He's listening in on his daughter and her husband having sex? What kind of father is he?
Graham: One like yours?
Tim: And speaking of Genma...
>*********************************************************
>Meanwhile,at Tokyo's Ueno Zoo;
>Ataru Moroboshi,Lum,and Ten were at the panda exhibit.
Graham: Oh, goody, pointless crossover time!
>There they noticed a panda from the Bayankala mountain
>range in China's Qinghai province.It often held up wooden signs.
Ranma: Hey... pop WAS working for a zoo after all!
>"Lum,do pandas normally hold up wooden signs?" inquired Ten.
>"No,Ten.However it may be a rare species of panda,"said Lum."Darling,
>do you know of any species of panda that hold up wooden signs on a
>regular basis?" she asked Ataru.
Tim: That would be the signus holdemupus variety...
>"No,but I must admit that this particular panda does seem kinda
>amusing,even if he does look kinda depressed,"replied Ataru.
>The sign that the panda was holding up read this:
Graham: HELP!
Tim: Boil me some water, Quick!
Ranma: Will sell son for food!
>"Has anybody seen my son?"
Ranma: No. I certainly haven't seen him lately...
>THE END
>*********************************************************
>The hentai fanfic you've just read
All: THAT WAS HENTAI?
>is my non-violent alternative to going postal and blowing the heads off
>of known authors of anti-Ukyou fanfics
Tim: Somehow, I think I prefer your original plan...
>(fics in which she either is paired with Konatsu,commits suicide,has
>something terrible happen to her,or is lonely and depressed because she
>doesn't have either Ranma or Ryouga to have and to hold).
Graham: Okay... This guy is obsessed with Ukyo, JUST Ukyo.
Tim: At least I'm obsessed with the totality of Rumiko's works. That, AND I try and write my story ending like she would've wanted.
>SO TAKE THAT,SEAN "SOUR TIMES" GAFFNEY AND JEFF
>WONG!
Ranma: Empty threats... the language of the internet...
>Special thanks to the Philip Mak,Yoru-Hikage,and Nall(whose various
>lemon fics that pair Ranma with Ukyou inspired my first lemon);as well
>as Ryan Anderson,the author of the non-lemon "Parody of a Moment,"
>which not only was written in response to the endless deluge of "Ranma
>and Akane admit their true romantic feelings for one another" fics on
>the Internet,but also helped inspire my first ever lemon fic,which
>I've not only written in response to the endless deluge
Tim: Did we just start over, or something?
>of "Ranma gets Akane" fics,but specifically the anti-Ukyou fics I've
>described at least twice.
Tim: In this last paragraph, at least... This author sure is repetitititititive.
>BTW,that Jeff Wong rape fic ain't the only Ranma fic I've
>refused to read after reading the description on a listing page(reading
>the description,in fact,was all I needed to prejudge it.:P)
Tim: I can't tell you how thrilled it makes me to see people refusing fics outright just because of the basic subject matter. An OSCARFIC, I can understand. Once you've read one of his works, feel free to avoid the rest. But at least read one. You'll fell better about yourself for it.
Graham: After the Nausea passes, anyways.
>:Did you know that I haven't had(and won't ever have) the guts to read
>a single chapter of "Daigakusei no Ranma/Daigakusei no Ukyou"(the
>so-called continuation fanfic series)?
Ranma: So this Author is basically calling himself a coward?
>What other fanfics do I have up my sleeve?
Graham: Why don't we rip your arms off and find out?
>You never know.Remember,I'm the same fanfic author who's
Tim: Just bored you to death with an unemotional lemon scene with the most vivid descriptions being that of juices.
>written at least 2 fanfics that pair up Tsubasa and Konatsu as a
>couple(which,IMHO,is the only right way to either character in a
>Ranma fanfic).
All: (Blink)
Ranma: Neither of them are gay, though... Tsubasa dressed up for girls, and Konatsu, even though he was raised as a girl, was still HOT on girls!
>Before you even think about flaming me,this is all I have to say:
Tim: Frag that. Grab the flamethrowers!
>If you've read this far,why are you complaining?
All: BECAUSE WE'VE READ THIS FAR!
Tim: Unlike some people, we actually stick WITH a story, to the end, in the hopes that it might have some sort of redeeming value, but this story has none. it has no plot, a crappy premise, and horrible diolague!
Ranma: Doesn't even sound like me, anyways...
>Other than the anti-flame warning,C&C are welcome.
Graham: Note: A "Flame" consists of any sort of bad review you might possibly ever give my fic!
>You can find more Ranma and Ukyou fanfics (by myself and other
>authors) on my page(the champagne of Ranma romance sites),
Tim: So it's french?
>devoted to the true eternal couple of Ranma 1/2.
Ranma: Me and Akane.
Tim: Nodoka and Genma.
Graham: And Kasumi and Tofu!
Tim: Don't forget Nabiki and money, now!
>Mike Rhea
>Webmaster of The Ranma and Ukyou Pages!
>http://rei.animenetwork.com/ranchan/
>"Akane,when you get so heavy?"-Shampoo,"Team Ranma vs. the
>Legendary Phoenix"
>Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
>Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
Ranma: Words the author of that fic REALLY should think about...
Tim: Whoa, Deja view!
Sorry for the delay, but I figure everyone needed a break after Oscartoon and it got away from me.
-------
Tim Jewett 05/21/01
Mordacy Sarcasm Theatre Four Thousand; Special Editions
Episode four: RANMA RAMPAGE!
In the not too distant future...
(Tim pops up and blast the opening sequence with a buster gun)
Tim: Let's get on with it, shall we?
(Satellite of Lust, sometime after the beginning of time)
(The outer room is Quiet. Tim is wearing a black version of Ranma's clothes, and he is reading a Ranma 1/2 manga. Graham is wearing a Ranma 1/2 T-shirt and is playing "super dance party" on Tim's pirated copies. After about a minute, Tim holds up a sign saying)
Tim: [Can you guess who the guest commentator is today?] (flip) [Or do you need more time and/ or hints?]
Graham: Hey! I just unlocked the Jusenkyo guide as a playable character!
Tim: He's not a playable character... has my game been possessed again?
(Ranma walks out of the guestway express)
Ranma: Got your message guys.
Tim: So how was your time with Akane in my hyperbolic time chamber?
Ranma: Do we HAVETA talk about that right now?
Graham: No, but inquiring minds want to know. Hey! I just unlocked Doctor Tofu!
Tim: So, anyways, what are you gonna do about the other fiancee's now?
Ranma: Can I borrow a bazooka?
Tim: I think I have one ready for usage, yeah.
Ranma: What are we doing today?
Tim: Four Ranma 1/2 fanfics... Two by Mike Rhea, one called "Ranma kills!" and finally, one by a guy named Sheep.
Ranma: Great... Lemons?
Graham: Yeah, the first one, but it's with Ukyo
Ranma: Me, with Ukyo? HAHAHA! She's practically my sister!
Tim: The Sheep fic is just plain bizarre.
(Shallow Twelve)
Artlu: Are we all caught up yet?
Tim: Very much so, signor! Gotten your invention ready for this week?
(Graham comes over and Ranma takes his place at the video game)
Artlu: Yes, I have in fact. It's a computer virus. the Y2K1 virus. It's nothng particulalrly lethal, but it has the annoying habit of shutting your computer down at random intervals.
Tim: So it's Windows 95 all over again?
Artlu: No, it doesn't freeze your computer. It actually randomly shuts off your computer while you're in the middle of some important project.
Tim: Don't look now, Artlu, but your computer just shut itself down.
Artlu: DAMN, and I hadn't saved it either! But I know it works! All I need to do is remember all that coding. Now what was YOUR invention?
Ranma: I just unlocked someone else! Hey, Who the hell is Bun-Bun?
(SOL)
Tim: Our invention is called the "Zero Virus" after Zero from MMX.
Artlu: He's already got a virus named after him.
Graham: Yes, but our version's different. We were thouroughly disgusted by the pansy that is Megaman X in MMX four.
Tim: The voice utterly sucked ass. Almost as bad as the voice of megaman in Captain N. That's why we created the TrueZero Virus. It's programming is simple. find a pissy reploid, and make him cooler.
Graham: Like giving X a male voice, for one.
Tim: Yeah. We also have a biological version in the works. first test subject, MARK!
Artlu: Not bad... not bad at all. I'll have to try it on Melvin someday... Have a fic, on me.
Ranma: Hey! Tim, I just unlocked YOU as a playable character!
Tim: Well, that cinches it, my game's possessed.
(Klaxons wail)
All: FANFIC!
Door 7: It's the standard exterior door, with one little twist. It doesn't exist.
Door 6: It's repeated twice more. Not stopping to think what that means, you rush on.
Door 5: It's an open elevator shaft. You hop to the other side
Door 4: It's a church. You quietly make your way through, but let one rip as you exit.
Door 3: Three Busty Amazons guard the way. You hand them a Triptych about Trowa. Resisting the urge to suggest a Menage a troi, you scoot by while their attention is diverted.
Door 2: It's afraid of what's on the other side and reluctantly opens.
Door 1: A Switchblade wielding Mini-lop guards the way. You tell him about the three Babes at door three and he gets out of your path.
>The endless deluge of "Ranma and Akane admit their true romantic
>feelings for one another" fanfics is bad enough.Even more disturbing,
>it seems that whenever I look for Ranma fanfics,I always seem to run
>into at least one anti-Ukyou fanfic.
Tim: And I always run into a tentacle lemon. What's yer point?
>As a knight of the spatula girl's engagement to Ranma Saotome,
Ranma: Who knighted you?
Graham: Bet it wasn't one of the round table
Tim: I'd be willing to believe triangular table...
>not only have I run into too many of these anti-Ukyou fics
Ranma: His insurance is way up because of it
>(Sean Gaffney's "Sour Times" takes the cake,
All: COME BACK HERE WITH THAT CAKE!
>as does a certain rape fic by Jeffrey "One Shot" Wong in which I've
>not only managed to avoid reading after reading the description on
>his fanfic page without ever clicking the link to his fic,
Tim: So the message you want to give to the youth of America is judgement upon first sight?
Graham: Bigots of america! Founding member, Mike Rhea!
>but I've also managed to avoid his page.
>And I don't ever want to read that fic,in which fortunately I don't
>know the title of.),
All: (stunned)
Ranma: You not only judge the fic without reading it, but you don't even know the title?
Tim: That's kinda disturbing. People who don't even try and tough it out are what makes this world a cowardly place.
Graham: Like Mark?
Tim: ESPECIALLY Mark!
>these such fics(nearly all in which Ranma chooses Akane)ARE
>TURNING MY STOMACH.
Ranma: Because it turns my stomach to see a story the way the original writer intended it. Wait, how the hell do I know that I'm part of a Manga and Anime series?
Tim: Yer basically OOC. Relax, don't think about it. We don't.
>Thus,I've written my first lemon fanfic as an EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE
>ME!
Graham: Did you belch, throw up, or fart?
Tim: I am sorry, but that is not a valid excuse.
>Disclaimer:
Ranma: This fic bites
>None of these characters are mine,
All: THANK THE GODS!
>and no copyright infringement is intended.
Tim: But is, nontheless, occurring
>This fic is not intended to offend people
Graham: So it's an accident is what you're saying?
>who pair Ukyou with Ryouga(a pairing that would be OK if I was pairing
>Ranma with Shampoo,Nabiki,Kasumi,or Kodachi;all of whom are better
>bridal choices for Ranma than Akane).
Ranma: I'm sure HE knows ME a whole lot better than I do.
Tim: Manga volume 38, last two pages. NUFF SAID! And I say Ukyo and Konatsu myself.
Ranma: I agree.
>LEMON WARNING:
Tim: When life hands you a lemon...
Graham: Make lemonade?
Tim: No, throw it at somebody.
>Yes,there are strong sex scenes in this fic.
Ranma: They can benchpress 800 pounds!
>If you are underage and/or
Tim: Hm... This is ironic...
Graham: What?
Tim: A lemon fic that he warns for underage people not to read, yet the characters in it are underage.
Ranma: That is ironic. Kinda spooky too.
>are offended by such material,please hit the BACK button on your web
>browser
Tim: Much like Mike did with those anti-ukyo fics!
Graham: Dangit, no BACK button in the theatre!
>(you have been warned). Otherwise,read on.
>A Wet Dream Come True
Ranma: Everyone's left me and Akane alone and it's the OAV us?
Graham: Solaria and me in a tub of jello and whipped cream?
Tim: Taking a pressure washer to Oscar?
(they look at him funny)
Tim: WHAT? A pessure washer would make him explode! His cells would soak up so much water they'd just POP! And anyways, it does say WET dream!
>(A Ranma 1/2 Lemon Fanfic)
>by Mike Rhea
>*********************************************************
Graham: Is it christmas already?
Tim: That's supposed to christmas in July, not MAY.
Ranma: Either way, we ARE at ground zero...
>Ranma walked through the door
Ranma: I gotta remember to open it next time...
>of Ucchan's Okonomiyaki.
Tim: Since when have doors been on the topping menu at Ukyo's?
Graham: Since Ukyo started smoking weed?
>The bathtub at the Tendou residence was broken again, but Ranma
>didn't want to go to the public baths with Happousai,
Ranma: Well, no DUH!
>as he didn't want a repeat of that one time in which the old lech
>embarrassed him and got away with it.
Ranma: When the hell would THAT be? He's never gotten away with it...
>Once he walked in,he sat at the counter where his best friend Ukyou,a
>bit discouraged by lack of customers,greeted him.
Ranma: Ukyo's is usually packed!
Tim: It's a lemon. They've left customers out so you can have sex uninterrupted.
Ranma: I see. Fat chance of the sex or the uninterruption happening, though...
>"Hungry,Ran-chan?" she inquired.
Tim: No I just randomly wanderred into a restaurant for the scenery. OF COURSE I'm hungry!
>"Do you have beef okonomiyaki,Ucchan?" he returned.
Graham: No.
Ranma: What kind of Okonamiyaki DOESN'T she have?
Tim: Cat flavor.
Ranma: No, that was on the menu just last week... I hope it's a joke...
>"It'll be just a couple of minutes,Ran-chan."
Tim: It had better be. Otherwise I might just go Toranoken and rip the theatre apart again...
>About 2 minutes later,
Tim: I see you listened...
>Ukyou placed a dish with a heart-shaped okonomiyaki in front of her fiance.
Ranma: That was cliche as hell.
>She then walked around the counter, placed another plate next to
>him,and sat down.
Graham: in the Okonamiyaki.
Tim (Ukyo): Does your seat feel... warm, Ranma?
Ranma: Strangely enough, it does!
>They engulfed their plates and were done within 4 minutes.
Tim: Note to readers: we are six minutes into the fic, I repeat SIX minutes in!
>"Ucchan,the bathtub at the Tendou Doujou is broken,and I don't want to
>deal with Happousai at the public bathhouse.
Graham: Author is writing redundantly redundant writing.
>Can I please use your bathtub?" inquired Ranma.
Ranma: And NO Ukyo, you can't join in!
>"Help yourself,Ran-chan" replied Ukyou.
Tim: I wonder what would have happened if you had needed bathing supplies...
Ranma: Huh? Oh Shampoo. Heaven help us if I asked to borrow Cologne...
>Unaware that Ukyou would finally have him right where she wants him,
Ranma: Sweden?
Graham: Denmark?
Tim: Two seats to my right?
>Ranma walked upstairs to the bathroom,undressed,and walked straight
>into the bathtub.
Ranma: My knee!
Tim: God Ranma, you are a KLUTZ in this fic!
>Meanwhile,two minutes later,
Tim: Eight minutes in!
Graham: So is it NOW, or two minutes later? Make up your mind!
>Ukyou closed the restaurant early;then walked upstairs to her room,where
>she undressed before walking into the bathroom where her fiance was
>taking a bath.
Ranma: Mike's laying it on as quietly as a malleting back home...
>While taking a bath,Ranma realized that
Tim: He was naked in his fiancee's bathroom. He then set the world land speed record- for jet cars, getting the hell out of there.
>the soap was just outside the bathtub.Unaware that Ukyou had just walked
>into the bathroom stark nude,
Tim: Naked. or in this case, Nekkid. cause Naked means you're not wearing clothes. Nekkid means you're Naked AND yer up ta somthing!
>Ranma walked out of the bathtub.At that moment,Ukyou blushed
>profusely,then took an excellent look at her fiance.
All: (Jewish accent) Oi! Again vit de walking through things!
>She remembered when Ranma was weakened by that moxibustion
Ranma: Which one?
Tim: That one.
Ranma: So who's on first?
Graham: And WHAT is writing this fic?
>and when Genma showed her revealing pictures of her fiance(In fact,on
>the second picture,she told Genma "Move your fingers!").
Tim: Ukyo is a hentai... I mean, whattaya expect?
>However,her excellent look at her nude fiance didn't go unreturned:
Graham: Since it was lost in delivery
>Ranma,too,took an an excellent at how beautiful and desirable her body
>looked.
Ranma: Yep. I'm a looker all right!
>Her breasts,normally covered in breast bindings,were very
>pleasant to look at.
Graham: And I supppose Akane's look like a sack of potatoes?
Ranma: Like white pillows... Umm... That is to say...
Tim: Calm down. We'll just say you were OOC. Say whatever you want!
>He had accidentally seen Akane and Shampoo au naturel,but it obviously
>couldn't top what he was seeing in his cute fiancee right before him.
Tim: I defer comment to the Horse's Mouth.
Ranma: Hey. Akane's the only fiancee I've "reacted" to... Hey! Whattaya mean, "Horse's Mouth?"
>Ukyou then notiiced that Ranma was steadily looking at her,too.
Graham: Steady now...
Tim and Ranma: Oi! Again vit da looking!
>*Kawaii,*thought Ranma to himself as he felt a twitch in front of
>where his legs meet.
Tim: His prostate gland?
>Suddenly,his looks began to make Ukyou feel a bit uncomfortable as her
>already profuse blush deepened.Unable to take it anymore,she grabbed
>a spare giant spatula that she kept in the bathroom and
Ranma: Why she kept one there, we'll never know...
>whacked Ranma on the head with it.
Tim: She whacks HIM for walking in on him. Ukyo, and the author, are PSYCHOTIC!
>For a brief moment,Ranma was unconscious from the blow.
Ranma: No sick comments. PERIOD.
Tim: Ehhh, blow it all ta hell then.
>Then,as Ukyou was still looking at him,Ranma suddenly
>felt very lusty.He then started walking slowly towards Ukyou.
Graham: You dirty rat... You smacked my noggin...
>**Music:"I Want Your Sex,"by George Michael**
Tim: I'll take the MUTE seeting, please...
Graham: Or more appropriately, Porno music!
Tim: Wahkicha, wahkicha, wahkicha.
>Suddenly,Ukyou started feeling a bit uneasy and pale.Then,suddenly,her
>conscience and anti-conscience appeared on each side of her head.
>The anti-conscience told her *Run for your life!He's gonna rape you*.
All: Anti-conscience... riiight.
Graham: Wouldn't the "Anti-conscience" WANT him to rape her?
Tim: And wasn't that her intent in the first place?
>On the other hand,her conscience told her
Tim: Stay good Ukyo, Please stay good!
>*Get a grip!This is your own fiance!Not only is he supposed to do
>this,you been dreaming of him doing this to you for at least a decade!*.
Ranma: Is it even possible for six year olds to have sexual thoughts?
Tim: As I best I can figure, hell no! And she wanted to kill you for ten years anyways!
Graham: Could this be a darkfic in disguise?
>Then,Ranma suddenly interrupted his fiancee's uneasiness with these
>words:
Tim: See you in hell, bitch!
Graham: Oil can, oil can!
Ranma: Ukyo, why are you standing naked over me and what have you done with Akane?
>"Ucchan,this may hurt at first;but if my stupid old man had told me in
>the first place that you were truly a girl,I wouldn't have chosen
>okonomiyaki.I'm not making that same mistake again."
Tim: (Genma) Son Ukyo is a girl, do you like her or Okonamiykai better?
Ranma: I'da still said Okonamiyaki. I didn't even know what a girl WAS when I was six! And I thought Ukyo was a guy! Pop just thought I KNEW she was a girl!
>Ukyou blushed profusely after hearing what Ranma had just said.At
>the same time,her nipples hardened
Tim: (Reading a scientific magazine) Alert me when it gets interesting...
>and her love petals began to stir in arousal
All: Put it all in Bowl, baby... Stir it with a wooden spoon...
>as Ranma finally cornered her.
>For a long time,Ranma had treated Ukyou no more than a mere old
>friend.That,suddenly would change immediately:
Ranma: He would now treat her as a sibling and give her repeateded noogies...
Tim: It also would change quickly and fastly.
>Ukyou bit her lip to stifle a cry of pain as she felt Ranma's hardness
>break her virgin barrier.
Tim: Foreplay, ever heard of it?
Ranma: Hell, even I'VE heard of foreplay, and I was raised by my dad!
>"Gomen nasai,Ucchan,"said a somewhat worried Ranma.
Graham: Somewhat worried? She's bleeding on his dick and he's SOMEWHAT worried?
>"It's OK,Ran-chan.I was hoping you'd do that.Please continue." replied
>Ukyou.
Tim: Ukyo's a masochist? She just said she WANTED to be in pain... odd...
>Ranma then continued thrusting repeatedly.
Ranma: I'm bored. Wanna play checkers?
>Though he had felt guilty about doing this to his one true friend.,he
>understood that Ukyou had been dreaming of this and that it didn't
>hurt her even a fraction of how much Genma's dirty trick did at least
>a decade earlier.
Tim: If that paragraph made a LICK of sense, I'm sure I could've made a good comment about it.
>Besides, pleasure had begun to erase the pain in Ukyou's nether regions.
All: We're off to nether nether land!
Tim: Hentai Peter Pan... Almost disturbing...
>She and Ranma began moaning in pleasure and unison.Their hips
>pulsed together in hard rhythmic understanding.
Tim: Okay, everybody! A one, a one, a one, two, three, four!
>As they pumped,their breathing became ragged,
Ranma: (reading a newspaper)
>and there was a slight squelching sound as they kept
>pumping while Ranma began to fondle Ukyou's breasts.
Tim: Squelching? And that is one heck of a bad run-on sentence.
Graham: Commas, use them!
>Ukyou then wrapped her legs around Ranma's as he lifted her into the
>air as the climax approached.
Ranma: Ho hum... I'm fucking my best friend... how boring...
Tim: Wake me when the world ends...
>Her moans only got louder as Ranma continued pumping.
Tim: Shaddap, I'm trying to sleep!
>With one final thrust from Ranma,Ukyou came.
Graham: To her senses, as the passion spice she had eaten earlier had just worn off.
>"RAN-CHAAAAAAAAAAAN,I LOVE YOU!,"
Tim: I said QUIET!
>she shouted as the ecstasy of an orgasm overcome her body,her love
>juices dribbling out of her sex.
Tim: I give up. I can't sleep with all this shouting! Oh hey! I just realized that was the lemon scene!
Ranma: Coulda fooled me...
>Just after his fiancee came,Ranma wouldn't last long himself.As soon
>as he felt her fluid touch his balls,he too climaxed.
>"UCCHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN,I love you too!" he shouted
>as he squirted his load all the way inside of her.
All: (PLaying a three way Quake deathmatch) Whoops! We have a fic to MST!
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH..."
Tim: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
>they both said as Ukyou felt Ranma's fluid spray inside of her,
Tim: Clinically stark lemon. You too can write just like Mike!
Graham: Then I DON'T wanna be like Mike.
>as about the same time the sound of an alarm clock awakened Ukyou
>from her dream.
Ranma: So this entire fic was nothing more than one of Ukyo's dreams?
>*********************************************************
>Ukyou awakened from the dream
Tim: You just told us that, remember?
>to find something warm on top of her.
Graham: P-chan what are you doing here?
Ranma: Oh, he's dirty, Ukyo had better give him a nice WARM bath...
>That something was her own husband,Ranma Saotome.
Ranma: News to me.
>Both were stark naked and "joined" at the pelvis.
Tim: Krazy glue and sex, BAD combination.
>It was their first wedding anniversary,and it has also been that long
>since they abandoned Nerima for their current home in western Kyoto.
Ranma: Heehee...
Graham: Huh?
Ranma: Ukyo's last name, translated to english means "to the east of the capitol", meaning the old capitol Kyoto, where she's from.
Tim: I think that's an unintentional funny, since this looks like a fuzzy fic. No humor involved.
Graham: IE, the exact opposite of your fics, where EVERYTHING has humor involved.
Tim: By the way 1 year, ten minutes in.
>"So it wasn't a dream after all,Ran-chan,"said Ukyou.
Ranma: Huh? Wha? AAACK! What the hell am I doing in bed with Ukyo? AAAAGH!
>"Of course it wasn't,Ucchan.
Tim: It was a nightmare.
>When I told you in the bath that a truly loved you more than
>okonomiyaki,it was no lie.
Ranma: In the same sense that Pop never lied to me...
>You are the only true friend that I've ever had.You've never made me
>feel uncomfortable.
Tim: I would disprove you, Manga Volume, chapter, and page, but I don't have 'em with me right now.
>Akane always made me feel uneasy.That fateful day in the bathroom
Graham: It was the GOOD kind of uneasy though.
Tim: The "God damn I like her but how the hell do I tell her" kind.
Ranma: WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE THAT? Even if IS true!
>was truly a wake up call.You are truly kawaii from the inside out,no
>matter what you wear." replied Ranma.
Tim: I give you the randonimity award! That sentence was UTTERLY Random!
>**Music:"Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company**
Graham: (singing) Feel like throwing up!
Tim: Thanks for the parody idea...
>Realizing that today was the slowest day of the week business-wise,
>Ukyou told her husband "Ran-chan,my legs are weak.Why don't we
>not worry about the restaurant today and spend our anniversary in the
>bedroom making passionate love to each other instead?"
Ranma: Damn. Not even Shampoo was ever THAT blunt.
Tim: Wouldn't that just make her legs even weaker?
>"Anything for you,Ucchan my love,"replied Ranma.
>Together,Ranma and Ukyou got down to business..with each other.
Tim: As opposed to the day before where Ranma went off with his TRUE true love, Akane, and Ukyo had a fling in the back room with Kontasu.
>Since that fateful nude encounter,
Tim: Volume one, chapter one?
>cooking okonomiyaki hasn't been Ukyou Saotome's lone livelyhood.The
>other livelyhood is that she's been living a decade long dream,on that
>has become...a wet dream come true.
Graham: Oh, gag me with a forklift!
Tim: That's the WORST title insertion I've ever seen!
>Overhearing yet another romantic moment between his daughter and
>son-in-law,Mr.Kuonji,who reunited with his daughter as soon as
>Ranma finally chose her as his bride,thought to himself *Ranma
>Saotome,you have made me and my daughter proud of you once again.*
Tim: Isn't he DEAD?
Ranma: He's listening in on his daughter and her husband having sex? What kind of father is he?
Graham: One like yours?
Tim: And speaking of Genma...
>*********************************************************
>Meanwhile,at Tokyo's Ueno Zoo;
>Ataru Moroboshi,Lum,and Ten were at the panda exhibit.
Graham: Oh, goody, pointless crossover time!
>There they noticed a panda from the Bayankala mountain
>range in China's Qinghai province.It often held up wooden signs.
Ranma: Hey... pop WAS working for a zoo after all!
>"Lum,do pandas normally hold up wooden signs?" inquired Ten.
>"No,Ten.However it may be a rare species of panda,"said Lum."Darling,
>do you know of any species of panda that hold up wooden signs on a
>regular basis?" she asked Ataru.
Tim: That would be the signus holdemupus variety...
>"No,but I must admit that this particular panda does seem kinda
>amusing,even if he does look kinda depressed,"replied Ataru.
>The sign that the panda was holding up read this:
Graham: HELP!
Tim: Boil me some water, Quick!
Ranma: Will sell son for food!
>"Has anybody seen my son?"
Ranma: No. I certainly haven't seen him lately...
>THE END
>*********************************************************
>The hentai fanfic you've just read
All: THAT WAS HENTAI?
>is my non-violent alternative to going postal and blowing the heads off
>of known authors of anti-Ukyou fanfics
Tim: Somehow, I think I prefer your original plan...
>(fics in which she either is paired with Konatsu,commits suicide,has
>something terrible happen to her,or is lonely and depressed because she
>doesn't have either Ranma or Ryouga to have and to hold).
Graham: Okay... This guy is obsessed with Ukyo, JUST Ukyo.
Tim: At least I'm obsessed with the totality of Rumiko's works. That, AND I try and write my story ending like she would've wanted.
>SO TAKE THAT,SEAN "SOUR TIMES" GAFFNEY AND JEFF
>WONG!
Ranma: Empty threats... the language of the internet...
>Special thanks to the Philip Mak,Yoru-Hikage,and Nall(whose various
>lemon fics that pair Ranma with Ukyou inspired my first lemon);as well
>as Ryan Anderson,the author of the non-lemon "Parody of a Moment,"
>which not only was written in response to the endless deluge of "Ranma
>and Akane admit their true romantic feelings for one another" fics on
>the Internet,but also helped inspire my first ever lemon fic,which
>I've not only written in response to the endless deluge
Tim: Did we just start over, or something?
>of "Ranma gets Akane" fics,but specifically the anti-Ukyou fics I've
>described at least twice.
Tim: In this last paragraph, at least... This author sure is repetitititititive.
>BTW,that Jeff Wong rape fic ain't the only Ranma fic I've
>refused to read after reading the description on a listing page(reading
>the description,in fact,was all I needed to prejudge it.:P)
Tim: I can't tell you how thrilled it makes me to see people refusing fics outright just because of the basic subject matter. An OSCARFIC, I can understand. Once you've read one of his works, feel free to avoid the rest. But at least read one. You'll fell better about yourself for it.
Graham: After the Nausea passes, anyways.
>:Did you know that I haven't had(and won't ever have) the guts to read
>a single chapter of "Daigakusei no Ranma/Daigakusei no Ukyou"(the
>so-called continuation fanfic series)?
Ranma: So this Author is basically calling himself a coward?
>What other fanfics do I have up my sleeve?
Graham: Why don't we rip your arms off and find out?
>You never know.Remember,I'm the same fanfic author who's
Tim: Just bored you to death with an unemotional lemon scene with the most vivid descriptions being that of juices.
>written at least 2 fanfics that pair up Tsubasa and Konatsu as a
>couple(which,IMHO,is the only right way to either character in a
>Ranma fanfic).
All: (Blink)
Ranma: Neither of them are gay, though... Tsubasa dressed up for girls, and Konatsu, even though he was raised as a girl, was still HOT on girls!
>Before you even think about flaming me,this is all I have to say:
Tim: Frag that. Grab the flamethrowers!
>If you've read this far,why are you complaining?
All: BECAUSE WE'VE READ THIS FAR!
Tim: Unlike some people, we actually stick WITH a story, to the end, in the hopes that it might have some sort of redeeming value, but this story has none. it has no plot, a crappy premise, and horrible diolague!
Ranma: Doesn't even sound like me, anyways...
>Other than the anti-flame warning,C&C are welcome.
Graham: Note: A "Flame" consists of any sort of bad review you might possibly ever give my fic!
>You can find more Ranma and Ukyou fanfics (by myself and other
>authors) on my page(the champagne of Ranma romance sites),
Tim: So it's french?
>devoted to the true eternal couple of Ranma 1/2.
Ranma: Me and Akane.
Tim: Nodoka and Genma.
Graham: And Kasumi and Tofu!
Tim: Don't forget Nabiki and money, now!
>Mike Rhea
>Webmaster of The Ranma and Ukyou Pages!
>http://rei.animenetwork.com/ranchan/
>"Akane,when you get so heavy?"-Shampoo,"Team Ranma vs. the
>Legendary Phoenix"
>Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
>Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
Ranma: Words the author of that fic REALLY should think about...
Tim: Whoa, Deja view!