MST4K: Special Edition 4B: Ranma Rampage (Long)(P2/3)
Posted: 2007-04-07 01:26am
Tim Jewett 05/21/01
Mordacy Sarcasm Theatre Four Thousand; Special Editions
Episode four: RANMA RAMPAGE!
In the not too distant future...
(Tim pops up and blast the opening sequence with a buster gun)
Tim: Let's get on with it, shall we?
(Satellite of Lust, about two hours or so after the last portion)
(Ranma-chan, Tim-Chan and Graham-Usagi are sitting at a table, trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle)
Tim: Will that damn kettle heat up already?
Ranma: That or get us another fic. It's been an hour since the last one ended.
Graham: Consider yourself lucky. Last time we had to do TWO Oscarfics, LITERALLY one after the other!
Ranma: Okay, so Boredom IS preffereable to death. By the way, whatever happened to that demon in your game?
Tim: After unlocking a few more characters. I made a deal for twenty cases of soda and five bucks, and "Poof" he's gone.
Graham: Couldn't provide the sodas eh?
Tim: The five bucks is what he didn't have actually...
(Klaxons wail)
All: HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE!
Door 7: It's the standard exterior door, with one little twist. It doesn't exist.
Door 6: It's repeated twice more. Not stopping to think what that means, you rush on.
Door 5: It's an open elevator shaft. You hop to the other side
Door 4: It's a church. You quietly make your way through, but let one rip as you exit.
Door 3: Three Busty Amazons guard the way. You hand them another Triptych about Trowa. Resisting the urge to suggest a Menage a troi, you scoot by while their attention is diverted.
Door 2: It's afraid of what's on the other side and reluctantly opens.
Door 1: A Switchblade wielding Mini-lop guards the way. You remind him about the three Babes at door three and he gets out of your path.
>[FFML] [Ranma 1/2][RAGE FIC/dark][C&C][draft]
>From: Rnmalvsakn@aol.com
>Message-ID: <496fc4fd.3598d66f@aol.com>
>Date: Tue, 30 Jun 1998 08:13:33 EDT
>Ranma Kills!_________________________________________________
Ranma: The Author!
Tim: At least with a name like "Ranma Kills!" What chance is there that we get our asses bored off like with the two Rheafics?
>Authors pre-note:
Ranma: The real note will be along shortly.
>First of all I apologize for any spelling grammar errors as well as any
>formatting errors,
Tim: Well, at least he ADMITS he screws up.
Graham: But does he count this fic as one of them?
>if you are on AOL you will probably have to DL this thing
>*shrugs* that's AOL for ya
Graham: You'd have to DL it no matter WHAT server you used!
>This takes place in a series of mine,
Tim: (Singing) This little series of mine, Oh, I'm gonna let it shine...
>this will be in part two of my as yet unnamed WAFF fic. series,
Graham: WAFF?
Tim: Warm and Fuzzy Feeling fic.
>since I know the WAFF thing kinda get's overbearing I had planned this
>scene from the beginning.
>As sort of a mushy relief/emotional outburst, this fic.
Ranma: Is innapropriately titled.
>can stand on it's own though you do not have to read the previous parts.
Graham: Wasn't that redundant?
Ranma: Yes, he unnecesarily repeated himself, saying the same thing twice.
>WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!!!!!!!
Tim: Danger, Ranma Saotome, DANGER! Fiancee fast approaching!
Ranma: (Ducks for cover)
>EXTREME VIOLENCE!!!!!
Tim: Ranma, did you insult Akane's cooking again?
Ranma: No, not THIS time, anyways...
>What follows contains adult language and situations it is no where near a
>Lemon since as for right now I refuse to write one,
Ranma: Spoilsport. We just went through two plotless Rhea fics and we don't even get a lemon to make up for it?
>it contains scenes of VERY graphic violence and descriptions of a graphic
>nature....
Graham: So there'll be pictures too?
>young readers ABSOLUTLY SHOULD NOT read this!
All: DAMN! WE DON'T COUNT!
>This fanfic deals with what is to me, the single most disgusting thing any
>man could ever do to a woman,
Tim: Sell her insurance!
>Rape.
Tim: Same thing.
>It also deals with the raw emotions that I hope would surge through the
>minds of any human being if exposed to this,
Graham: I prefer my emotions medium rare.
>and how Ranma deals with that.
Ranma: So DEAL with it!
>Consider yourself warned.
>C&C is not only needed but begged for!
Tim: He must be desperate for commentary if he's begging US to give him C&C.
>I need to know if I should tone this down a little since it will be going into
>my WAFF series, or if it is fine as is,
Graham: Let us read it and THEN we'll tell you!
>also any help with spelling and grammar would be appreciated,
Tim: Dibs.
>I have spell check but the dang things are not all that bright I tells ya!
Ranma: Hey, it's GOTTA be better than Oscar's. If he was telling the truth, that is.
Tim and Graham: Like hell.
>Flames will be printed out and fed to the fireplace monster ^_^
Tim: You gotta read 'em to tell if they're flames, now dontcha?
>________________________________________________________
>*start*
Graham: You killed my fish!
Tim: Why does that pickle you?
>Walking home after his second successful date with Akane,
Ranma: WOW! Two whole dates with Akane and neither one with a major cataclysm occurring mid-date!
Tim: Isn't that a sign of the apocoplypse?
>Ranma was in a cloud of euphoria all to himself.
Ranma: No drug jokes.
Tim: Sure it wasn't just a fog bank?
>She had , had to go back to the school to pick up some books she had forgotten,
>so he had headed home to wait for her.
Tim: Is this gonna turn into one of those lemons where you're waiting for Akane as a female in nothing more than lingerie, heels and a smile?
Ranma: No.
Tim: Damn.
>Sauntering down the way, he was casually walking
Graham: Skipping along, jaunting down the road, taking a stroll-
Tim: We get it.
>across fence tops mere inches wide.
Ranma: Chain... link...
>The day was just turning to night
Graham: Hey Night, can I borrow five bucks.
Tim: I'm broke, Sorry, Day.
>with the sun sinking low in the west.
Tim: Nerima, land of the falling sun...
>Ranma decided to take a detour from his usual route and to walk through
>the park
>and breathe in the sweet Sakura scent
Graham: SAKURA? Like as in Summer of? like as in Sakurasoft?
Tim: Hehe... I just got an image of a Ranma 1/2 Version of 3 sisters' story...
Ranma: That's... scary.
>and see the promise of the beautiful sunset.
Ranma: Two cars in every garage! Two martial artists per dojo!
Tim: A cheap, quick and irrefutable wedding for Ranma and Akane!
Graham: Now THAT'S a promise you can't keep!
Ranma: Yeah, it wouldn't be irrefutable until Akane and I did the deed.
Tim: The deed you have done for her you have done, indeed.
>Casually leaping over to the opposite side of the water duct over water that
>had to be 30 feet apart he landed on the opposite sides fence top.
Tim: I command these waters to PART!
>And headed in a westerly direction.
Tim: Go west, Young Badass!
>Ranma could barely feel his feet hitting the fence top he felt as light as
>a feather.
Graham: It was when he realized that there was no fence that he started getting nervous.
>Finally reaching his turning point
Tim: I'd prefer a plot point, thank you.
>He jumped to the nearest roof top in this way avoiding all Nerima traffic and the
>associated stress that went with it.
Ranma: Traffic? Does anyone in Nerima even OWN a car?
>He was not however bounding from roof top to roof top but simply walking
>across them admiring the world and using all of his senses to their fullest.
Tim: Wait just a moment here! He's in a park, right?
Graham: Uh, yep.
Tim: But he's walking on houses in a resedential neighborhood.
Graham: Oh. Gotcha.
>Smelling the crisp late summer breeze
Ranma: Gack! Damn sewage plants!
>and hearing the birds beautiful songs
Tim: Aren't they a band from the mid eighties?
>and seeing the world through the eyes of a man in love.
Ranma: What happened to his own eyes, nobody knew.
>Jumping down off the last roof-top Ranma hit the ground walking
All: (singing) These roofs were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do! And one'a these days these roofs are gonna walk all over you!
>and continued to his favorite secluded part of the park an area very beautiful
>and not very well known.
Ranma: Since it was past a crocodile pit and a military installaion where tresspassers are shot on site.
>Almost there, he slowed down a little as something in the air
>just felt, well wrong.
Ranma: (Sniff, Sniff) Great. NABIKI'S cooking again!
Tim: She's worse than Akane, Tigris AND Graham!
Graham: HEY! My cooking's not bad, it just has a disturbing tendency to self destruct!
>He could sense a fear, no not fear, terror someone nearby feared for
>their life!
Tim: Ranma don't look now, but you've developed ESP!
Graham: Would that someone be US by any chance?
Ranma: So it WAS fear, after all!
>At least he thought so... he heard no noise and saw nothing.
All: See no Evil, Hear no Evil.
Tim: Read no Evil. DIE OSCAR, DIE!
>To get a better look he jumped into the nearest tree
Ranma: Unfortunately, he literally landed IN the tree, thereby causing it to fall right on top of him.
Tim: Day in the life of Ranma Saotome, folks...
>and looked around, unconsciously heading to the same secluded area
>he had been heading towards.
Graham: HEY! Ranma's a sleepwalker!
Tim: After two Rheafics in a row, ANYONE would be a somnabulist!
>Everything seemed okay except for one detail,
Graham: The sun was missing and a gigantic fireball seemed to be plunging straight at Ranma's head.
>the birds were getting quieter the closer he came to his secret spot.
Graham: Is this an alfred hitchcock script or what?
Tim: If it is, and with a title like "Ranma kills!" You KNOW it has to be "Psycho".
Graham: Fortunately, we already are!
>Almost to the rise of the hill that sheltered the area he slowed his progress,
>quite annoyed that his good mood had left him so quickly to be replaced with
>this feeling of dread and terror that something was telegraphing into him like
>live electricity.
Tim: So this is a Euresi Yatsura crossover?
>Unnoticed Ranma's fists started to clench and unclench on their own.
Graham: Ranma's been possesed!
Ranma: Redrum, Redrum.
Tim: All work and no Akane makes Ranma a dull boy...
>Reaching the crest of the rise still in the dense treetops Ranma's breath
>caught in his throat.
Ranma: Air... Need air...
>There in the small clearing where the definition of what sprang to mind
>when one thought of gutter trash of the dregs of society.
Ranma: Lawyers?
Graham: Amway salesmen?
Tim: Oscar.
>Five of them, huge disgusting creatures, one could not really call them men
>simply because to be called one, one must at least resemble one.
Tim: So they're Zoanoids?
Graham: A Ranma Guyver cross-over would be pretty cool...
Tim: I ain't gonna write it.
Ranma: Don't look at me!
>It must have been 90 degrees outside and Ranma was sweating in his light
>weight Chinese silk shirt and the two layers of pants he wore of one water
>proof the other light cotton.
Ranma: I'm sure my fashion sense is VERY important to the subject matter at hand.
>These creeps, they had to be in a gang,
Ranma: Naw, these ugly, animal like gutter trash of the dregs of society must be having a barbecue! That's it!
>were all dressed in heavy denim pants and sporting black leather boots
>as well as heavy leather jackets to go with the boots. Underneath their jackets
>they all had on to various degrees of filth a torn or tattered white shirt. All of
>them had unshaven faces and their greasy unwashed hair clung to the backs
>on their necks.
Tim: It's not a GANG, it's the Fonzie look alike club!
>All of these observations flew through Ranma's mind in half a second as his
>mind assessed them.
Ranma: Okay... I'm more worried about their fashion sense than their fighting abilities, what the hell is wrong with fanfic me?
Tim: Not sure, but you WERE in your own cloud of euphoria, after all.
>While they looked unskilled at any fighting art, most of them overweight or
>not carrying themselves with any poise or grace they were heavily armed with
>clubs and chains and other assorted weapons
Graham: Aren't most gangs at least concerned about LOOKING tough?
Tim: THAT'S heavily armed? Most gangs nowadays wouldn't be caught with anything less than a high powered rifle!
>and their ring leader had what looked like a katana strapped to his back,
Ranma: But in reality turned out to be a loaf of bread.
Graham: Hey, if it's FRENCH bread then he has a deadlier weapon than a katana.
>they must be Mafia he thought to himself.
Ranma: Yakuza. And why the hell would they take on a bunch of losers like these? Organized crime has STANDARDS, you know!
Graham: And how the hell do YOU know THAT?
Ranma: I grew up with my pop, okay? Nuff said.
>Again these observations were flying through his head in mere split seconds.
Tim: Ranma's brain having taken a vacation with the cloud of Euphoria, the observations had full reign of Ranma's braincase.
>They were all crowded around something and he couldn't quite make it out.
Tim: Looks like... A Yeti...
Graham: Riding a Goat...
Ranma: Holding a Crane and an Eel...
>Their smell was wafting up through the tree tops and Ranma was about to leave
>for somewhere more pleasant ..."
Ranma: Like Akane's room?
>They must have been the source of that feeling I got earlier.." he said to himself
>unconvinced.
Tim: Trust me, we're ALL unconvinced out here.
>Turning to leave Ranma heard something, sort of a whimper. Turning
>back he saw one of the guys bend down and raise his right arms,
Graham: Hey! It's Goro!
Tim and Ranma: FINISH HIM!
>fist clenched and then he slammed it into something,
Graham: Multiple arms, one fist. Mutated freaks of the world, UNITE!
Tim: (guy) Ouch! Gotta remember to NOT hit myself there next time...
>it had to have been something soft for Ranma heard no noise, only a low groan.
Graham: So it was a half deflated basketbal?
>Curious now he turned back and was about to call out to them when his heart stopped.
Ranma: From boredom?
Tim: I was wrong, even with a name like "Ranma kills!" it CAN be as boring as a Rheafic.
>One of the gang members moved and the ring leader spoke.
Graham: DUH... C'mon, I'm like a Super-Saiyajin, You know you wanna... DUH...
Tim: I'd agree, cept Oscar couldn't get ANYONE to follow him.
>"Are ya gonna give it up easy bitch or do we hafta do this the hard way?"
>he sneered.
Tim: Are we watching Ranma 1/2 meets a clockwork orange or something?
>Ranma's mind froze.
Ranma: Whoops. Guess I went a little too far with the soul of ice there, huh?
>There lying on the ground was a girl, couldn't have been more than 16-17.
Graham: That seems pretty much old enough to me...
Tim: As a trio of seventeen year olds, we don't consider that to be young.
>As Ranma watched horrified, the man reached down and tried to
>slip down the girls skirt,
Tim: That was a grammatical error if I ever saw one. And considering I've read Oscarfics, I've seen PLENTY!
>dazedly she struggled with him still. "oooh look guys we have a tough one today!"
>He spat and reached into his pocket and pulled out an object...
Tim: A bowling pin?
Graham: A three in one vegematic slicer?
Ranma: A black piglet wearing a yellow bandanna?
>a knife! "She won't be so tough once I cut off one of her ears.
Graham: Oh SURE, BE cliche!
Tim: Yeah, because everyone knows that if you cut off an ear, you've crippled 'em for life!
>Ranma's world froze.
Ranma: Damn flash blizzard!
>Sound slowly filtered out as blood rushed to his head.
Tim: Oh no, Ranma's gone deaf! Now he won't be able to hear Kuno's poetr.. nevermind, that's a GOOD thing.
>His breath caught in his throat
Ranma: How can it catch twice in a row if in never unstuck?
>and a burning sensation started to flame in his chest and was rapidly
>spreading through out his body
Graham: What the he... I'm on fire! put it out put it out put it out!
>He was so horrified he couldn't move.
Ranma: Why? Did a cat walk by?
>Everything went in slow motion next,
Tim: Frozen or Slo-Mo, make up your mind!
>the man raised his hand,
Graham: Which one?
>the knife glinting in the sun as his cohorts cheered him on,
All: Yay...
Ranma: Cheerleading gang members. Only in a Rumic world...
>grasping the almost unconscious girl's hair with his free hand he turned
>her head to cut her, bringing his arm down he moved to strike.
Graham: Stee-rike three! You're out!
>Ranma had never moved so fast in his entire life,
Tim: Moving incredibly fast, yet everything's in Slo-Mo? It's an episode of the six million dollar man!
>barely registering the strange noise screaming in the background
>he leapt into the middle of them.
Graham: Wasn't the girl in the middle...?
Ranma: Damn! Gotta remember that next time! Sorry about the cracked spine, lady.
>The man's arms was stopped short held painfully tight in Ranma's grasp.
Ranma: KASHUU TENSHIN AMIGURIKEN GRAPPLE! for when you need to grab three arms, at once!
>The rest of the gang members had been knocked backwards as he leapt
>past them, they lie stunned on the ground.
Tim: Pick a tense and stick with it.
>Suddenly Ranma's world focused again,
Ranma: Hey! Contacts!
>he realized that that strange screaming noise had been himself ,
Graham: And that his voicebox had been left behind in the tree while the rest of him had jumped.
>what had started out as the word No!
All: (Singing) ...More, No more, No more, No more! Hit the road Jack! And dontcha come back no more!
Tim: So the gang leader's name is Jack?
>Hard sort of lapsed into a primal sound like death itself.
Graham: Death has a sound? Cool, what like?
Tim: Like the sound of one hand typing....
Graham: Give him ten minutes and Tim can turn ANY fic into a hentai experience...
Tim: Yes, that I can... And these analogies make no sense at all, you realize?
>He quickly shut up.
Ranma: Um... That is to say...
>Ranma was, furious!
Tim: Tim was, MST'ing!
Ranma: And I am furious after reading this fic. My heart's stopped, My mind AND world have frozen. It's been hinted at that I'm on fire, My breath has caught twice and now I'm turning into a berserker! OF COURSE I'M GONNA BE PISSED OFF!
>Shaking with rage a new color of battle aura was forming around him,
Graham: Oooh... Chartruese!
>black as ebony it shut out light, and on it's rippling edges a crimson red
>like blood was flicking wildly about like flames from a fire.
Ranma: So I AM on fire.
>Ranma was livid!
Graham: Graham was bored.
Tim: Get to some action already...
>Again this had all happened in a matter of seconds.
Tim: Total running time, not incuding walking... twenty seconds, at most.
>The would be attacker just stared stupidly at Ranma,
Graham: DUH.... I like cats.... DUH....
>the boy looked angry ,
Tim: Anger is the road to hate! Hate is the road to evil, Evil is the path to the dark side! The dark side is the off ramp to a multi feature project netting millions in cash!
>not that he really cared he would kill this arrogant little punk in a minute.
Ranma: So am I thinking that, or did the author just swith POV's without telling us?
Tim: If he's gonna be doing it in a minute, then why doesn't Ranma just kill him now and be done with it?
>The boy was just staring at him grasping his knife hand tightly,
Ranma: Duh... I should be doing something here... right?
>so shrugging mentally
Graham: Hey, he has nimble frontal lobes!
>he reached onto his back with his free hand unsheathing his razor
>edged katana
Ranma: Oh no! He's gonna give me a SHAVE!
Tim: What hand? He only has one fist, and Ranma's got that hand already!
>and in a fluid motion he brought what he thought would be a death blow
>to the boys neck.
Tim: So he decided to forget the Katana and use the deathblow as a weapon instead, but since he only thought it was a deathblow, it turned out to be smoked salmon instead.
>Ranma saw the movement,
Ranma: In mere split seconds.
>but his mind was still locked in his rage,
Graham: No, not this key... not that one... Hey! None of these keys work!
>he could feel the hatred and passion
Tim: I guess he still hasn't "calmed down" from that date with Akane...
>and need to kill this piece of shit burning within him.
Tim: Yep, you ARE on fire, and it's a shit fire no less.
Graham: Is it just me, or does the author want us to not like these guys?
>As the katana bore down something long repressed in the expert fighter
>shut down
Ranma: What now? My Stomach, My liver? My Crotch? WHAT?
Tim: Wait, something repressed shut down? So it's not even online anymore?
Graham: Somehow, I get the feeling that if we make any Yaoi jokes, Ranma will figure out how to make the Breaking point work on humans.
Ranma: Damn straight.
>.......his reluctance to kill.
Ranma: Great job of keeping me IC there, buddy...
Tim: So it was your sense of self that shut down.
>Ranma screamed.
Tim: Get me out of this fanfic! Or else!
>He had caught the blade in his free hand. The edge had cut into his
>palm and cleaved right into the bone.
Tim: Ranma can lift Ryouga's umbrella, can move ridiculously fast, and you're telling me that he can't stop a sword between his fingers?
>Furious his aura flared and he squeezed!
Graham: Well, aren't we in a tight squeeze?
>The blade snapped in two, both edges where broken had traces of blood
>on them,
Tim: Edges, where broken, had. And why the hell did you ruin a perfectly good sword to make THIS lousy excuse for a fic?
>the other hand squeezed too
Ranma: Well exsqueeeeeze me!
>and Ranma not only broke the mans wrist but crushed the bone into
>almost a powder,
Ranma: Powdered bone!
Graham: Just add water!
>that sort of injury was very hard to fix.
All: NO DUH!
>Whimpering the man fell down.
Ranma: Like with his wrist broken he's just gonna ignore it and continue staring at me.
>Ranma was about to finish him off when he sensed danger from behind.
Tim: DANGER RANMA SAOTOME, DANGER!
Ranma: So I'm gonna move from broken wrist right to kill the man? I'm REALLY acting IC here, I swear it!
Graham: Maybe the author just means yer gonna crack the other hand to powder.
Tim: I say the author's had more than enough powder as is...
>Twirling on his heel he managed to duck just as a heavy length of chain
>whistled where his head would have been.
Tim: I call no Andy Griffith theme.
>A blow that would have seriously wounded him or killed him.
All: (stare for a moment, then laugh their asses off)
Ranma: I can survive explosions, get punched through brick walls, get pummeled by Akane, and this kid thinks I'd be hurt by a lousy length of CHAIN?
>Rage possessed Ranma now.
Tim: Exorcist 1/2!
>It owned him.
Ranma: Nabiki sold me again I see....
>Giving his body in to the malicious impulses surging through him
Ranma: Trust me, If I had malicious impulses, Nerima would've been turned to rubble a long time ago.
>he began to fight.
Ranma: At least I'm not walking...
Tim: Or existing in your own euphoric cloud...
>Twisting to the other direction split seconds after his first dodge he
Graham: 0.5 mississippi, 1 missisippi, 1.5 mississippi, 2 mississippi...
>avoided the baseball bat that the other man had swung. The two of the
>punks looked stung,
Tim: (punks) BEES! GET 'EM OFF GET 'EM OFF!
>not really expecting the young looking boy to do such a thing.
All: Young?
Ranma: Since when has seventeen been counted as "young looking?"
Graham: The audacity of that kid! Dodging my bat! Doesn't he know we're the evil gang around here?
>The man with the chain rushed at Ranma swinging it above his head.
>A stupid thing to do really.
Tim: Considering they were right next to a tree...
>Ranma side stepped and as he wrenched the chain out of the clumsy
>mans hand,
Graham: Duh... What happened to tha chain? It wuz here a second ago...
>he also landed a viscous crescent kick placed just below the mans hip
>bone, breaking that joint and effectively crippling the man,
Tim: Viscuous kick? So Ranma's learned how to turn his body into a semiliquid substance?
>to his credit he stayed standing.
Graham: But still, it wasn't enough for the bank to grant him a loan.
>He then smirked as he pulled out a small hand gun and casually aimed it
>at the boy.
Tim: (bad french accent) I aim in your general direction!
>Ranma smirked too and his aura flared, he could sense the other idiot
>creeping up behind him.
Ranma: So this gang has only two idiots?
Graham: From the author's descriptions earlier you'd think they all had the brains of a slug!
Tim: Or at least the features of one.
>At the last possible second Ranma ducked as the now chainless man
>pulled the trigger.
Graham: Damn! He did it again! He dodged my attack! The NERVE of this boy!
>The bullet whizzed past where his head had been and impacted in the
>throat of the man who had been trying to sneak up on Ranma.
Tim: Impacted? As in it got stuck there? What the hell is this guy's throat made out of?
Ranma: Whatever it is, at least the author's sticking true to the form of everything getting lodged in somebody's throat...
>That man gurgled something unintelligible on his way to the ground, but
>Ranma was already ignored him.
Ranma: So he gave a presidential campain speech?
Tim: I promise, that if elected, I will make sure that every man, woman and child, gets a throat as strong as mine...
>Using his training with ribbons he applied the technique to the chain.
Graham: And tied a lovely little bow in one of the gang members hair.
Tim: Way to go Ranma! Defeat them by disgusting them to death!
>As the man with the gun stood there dumbfounded ready to take another
>shot, Ranma flicked his wrist and sent the chain out, the sharp metal tip
>ripping into the mans wrist and almost severing it.
Ranma: Sharp tip? On a chain? Severing a hand with a forward moving TIP? I'd check that again if I were you, Author.
>The man screamed!
All: NO DUH!
>His last thought ever on this world was, "Where the hell did my hand go?!"
Graham: Death by bleeding wrist? What a way to go...
Tim: It takes longer than three seconds to die from a bleeding wrist. Even decapitation victims take longer to die than that! And it is possible to survive a split wrist. That's what coagulatives are for. It's why people commiting suicide do so underwater, so their blood doesn't congeal upon exposure to air! Besides, you said "ALMOST severering it".
Graham: I rephrase my comment. Death by authorian mistake? What a sucky way to go...
>Ranma heard then another scream, most decidedly female.
Tim: Sailor Venus? This is a sailor Venus rape lemon crossover?
>Turning he saw the coward of a ring leader on his feet and holding the
>frightened girl by her neck in his good arm in a choke hold she was
>gasping for breath and her face was going all pale like,
Graham: When sentences collide! On ABC!
>the ring leader was slowly backing up.
Ranma: As his primitive mind had trouble grasping the concept of his feet moving the other way.
>The anger welled up inside of Ranma again,
Graham: Ranma smash!
Ranma: Wow, I wasn't angry there for a moment!
>thinking of all the times Akane had been dragged off by some ogre,
Graham: Lum?
Tim: Inu-Yasha?
Ranma: Actually, Akane's never been dragged off by anyone like this "man like creature"
Mordacy Sarcasm Theatre Four Thousand; Special Editions
Episode four: RANMA RAMPAGE!
In the not too distant future...
(Tim pops up and blast the opening sequence with a buster gun)
Tim: Let's get on with it, shall we?
(Satellite of Lust, about two hours or so after the last portion)
(Ranma-chan, Tim-Chan and Graham-Usagi are sitting at a table, trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle)
Tim: Will that damn kettle heat up already?
Ranma: That or get us another fic. It's been an hour since the last one ended.
Graham: Consider yourself lucky. Last time we had to do TWO Oscarfics, LITERALLY one after the other!
Ranma: Okay, so Boredom IS preffereable to death. By the way, whatever happened to that demon in your game?
Tim: After unlocking a few more characters. I made a deal for twenty cases of soda and five bucks, and "Poof" he's gone.
Graham: Couldn't provide the sodas eh?
Tim: The five bucks is what he didn't have actually...
(Klaxons wail)
All: HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE!
Door 7: It's the standard exterior door, with one little twist. It doesn't exist.
Door 6: It's repeated twice more. Not stopping to think what that means, you rush on.
Door 5: It's an open elevator shaft. You hop to the other side
Door 4: It's a church. You quietly make your way through, but let one rip as you exit.
Door 3: Three Busty Amazons guard the way. You hand them another Triptych about Trowa. Resisting the urge to suggest a Menage a troi, you scoot by while their attention is diverted.
Door 2: It's afraid of what's on the other side and reluctantly opens.
Door 1: A Switchblade wielding Mini-lop guards the way. You remind him about the three Babes at door three and he gets out of your path.
>[FFML] [Ranma 1/2][RAGE FIC/dark][C&C][draft]
>From: Rnmalvsakn@aol.com
>Message-ID: <496fc4fd.3598d66f@aol.com>
>Date: Tue, 30 Jun 1998 08:13:33 EDT
>Ranma Kills!_________________________________________________
Ranma: The Author!
Tim: At least with a name like "Ranma Kills!" What chance is there that we get our asses bored off like with the two Rheafics?
>Authors pre-note:
Ranma: The real note will be along shortly.
>First of all I apologize for any spelling grammar errors as well as any
>formatting errors,
Tim: Well, at least he ADMITS he screws up.
Graham: But does he count this fic as one of them?
>if you are on AOL you will probably have to DL this thing
>*shrugs* that's AOL for ya
Graham: You'd have to DL it no matter WHAT server you used!
>This takes place in a series of mine,
Tim: (Singing) This little series of mine, Oh, I'm gonna let it shine...
>this will be in part two of my as yet unnamed WAFF fic. series,
Graham: WAFF?
Tim: Warm and Fuzzy Feeling fic.
>since I know the WAFF thing kinda get's overbearing I had planned this
>scene from the beginning.
>As sort of a mushy relief/emotional outburst, this fic.
Ranma: Is innapropriately titled.
>can stand on it's own though you do not have to read the previous parts.
Graham: Wasn't that redundant?
Ranma: Yes, he unnecesarily repeated himself, saying the same thing twice.
>WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!!!!!!!
Tim: Danger, Ranma Saotome, DANGER! Fiancee fast approaching!
Ranma: (Ducks for cover)
>EXTREME VIOLENCE!!!!!
Tim: Ranma, did you insult Akane's cooking again?
Ranma: No, not THIS time, anyways...
>What follows contains adult language and situations it is no where near a
>Lemon since as for right now I refuse to write one,
Ranma: Spoilsport. We just went through two plotless Rhea fics and we don't even get a lemon to make up for it?
>it contains scenes of VERY graphic violence and descriptions of a graphic
>nature....
Graham: So there'll be pictures too?
>young readers ABSOLUTLY SHOULD NOT read this!
All: DAMN! WE DON'T COUNT!
>This fanfic deals with what is to me, the single most disgusting thing any
>man could ever do to a woman,
Tim: Sell her insurance!
>Rape.
Tim: Same thing.
>It also deals with the raw emotions that I hope would surge through the
>minds of any human being if exposed to this,
Graham: I prefer my emotions medium rare.
>and how Ranma deals with that.
Ranma: So DEAL with it!
>Consider yourself warned.
>C&C is not only needed but begged for!
Tim: He must be desperate for commentary if he's begging US to give him C&C.
>I need to know if I should tone this down a little since it will be going into
>my WAFF series, or if it is fine as is,
Graham: Let us read it and THEN we'll tell you!
>also any help with spelling and grammar would be appreciated,
Tim: Dibs.
>I have spell check but the dang things are not all that bright I tells ya!
Ranma: Hey, it's GOTTA be better than Oscar's. If he was telling the truth, that is.
Tim and Graham: Like hell.
>Flames will be printed out and fed to the fireplace monster ^_^
Tim: You gotta read 'em to tell if they're flames, now dontcha?
>________________________________________________________
>*start*
Graham: You killed my fish!
Tim: Why does that pickle you?
>Walking home after his second successful date with Akane,
Ranma: WOW! Two whole dates with Akane and neither one with a major cataclysm occurring mid-date!
Tim: Isn't that a sign of the apocoplypse?
>Ranma was in a cloud of euphoria all to himself.
Ranma: No drug jokes.
Tim: Sure it wasn't just a fog bank?
>She had , had to go back to the school to pick up some books she had forgotten,
>so he had headed home to wait for her.
Tim: Is this gonna turn into one of those lemons where you're waiting for Akane as a female in nothing more than lingerie, heels and a smile?
Ranma: No.
Tim: Damn.
>Sauntering down the way, he was casually walking
Graham: Skipping along, jaunting down the road, taking a stroll-
Tim: We get it.
>across fence tops mere inches wide.
Ranma: Chain... link...
>The day was just turning to night
Graham: Hey Night, can I borrow five bucks.
Tim: I'm broke, Sorry, Day.
>with the sun sinking low in the west.
Tim: Nerima, land of the falling sun...
>Ranma decided to take a detour from his usual route and to walk through
>the park
>and breathe in the sweet Sakura scent
Graham: SAKURA? Like as in Summer of? like as in Sakurasoft?
Tim: Hehe... I just got an image of a Ranma 1/2 Version of 3 sisters' story...
Ranma: That's... scary.
>and see the promise of the beautiful sunset.
Ranma: Two cars in every garage! Two martial artists per dojo!
Tim: A cheap, quick and irrefutable wedding for Ranma and Akane!
Graham: Now THAT'S a promise you can't keep!
Ranma: Yeah, it wouldn't be irrefutable until Akane and I did the deed.
Tim: The deed you have done for her you have done, indeed.
>Casually leaping over to the opposite side of the water duct over water that
>had to be 30 feet apart he landed on the opposite sides fence top.
Tim: I command these waters to PART!
>And headed in a westerly direction.
Tim: Go west, Young Badass!
>Ranma could barely feel his feet hitting the fence top he felt as light as
>a feather.
Graham: It was when he realized that there was no fence that he started getting nervous.
>Finally reaching his turning point
Tim: I'd prefer a plot point, thank you.
>He jumped to the nearest roof top in this way avoiding all Nerima traffic and the
>associated stress that went with it.
Ranma: Traffic? Does anyone in Nerima even OWN a car?
>He was not however bounding from roof top to roof top but simply walking
>across them admiring the world and using all of his senses to their fullest.
Tim: Wait just a moment here! He's in a park, right?
Graham: Uh, yep.
Tim: But he's walking on houses in a resedential neighborhood.
Graham: Oh. Gotcha.
>Smelling the crisp late summer breeze
Ranma: Gack! Damn sewage plants!
>and hearing the birds beautiful songs
Tim: Aren't they a band from the mid eighties?
>and seeing the world through the eyes of a man in love.
Ranma: What happened to his own eyes, nobody knew.
>Jumping down off the last roof-top Ranma hit the ground walking
All: (singing) These roofs were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do! And one'a these days these roofs are gonna walk all over you!
>and continued to his favorite secluded part of the park an area very beautiful
>and not very well known.
Ranma: Since it was past a crocodile pit and a military installaion where tresspassers are shot on site.
>Almost there, he slowed down a little as something in the air
>just felt, well wrong.
Ranma: (Sniff, Sniff) Great. NABIKI'S cooking again!
Tim: She's worse than Akane, Tigris AND Graham!
Graham: HEY! My cooking's not bad, it just has a disturbing tendency to self destruct!
>He could sense a fear, no not fear, terror someone nearby feared for
>their life!
Tim: Ranma don't look now, but you've developed ESP!
Graham: Would that someone be US by any chance?
Ranma: So it WAS fear, after all!
>At least he thought so... he heard no noise and saw nothing.
All: See no Evil, Hear no Evil.
Tim: Read no Evil. DIE OSCAR, DIE!
>To get a better look he jumped into the nearest tree
Ranma: Unfortunately, he literally landed IN the tree, thereby causing it to fall right on top of him.
Tim: Day in the life of Ranma Saotome, folks...
>and looked around, unconsciously heading to the same secluded area
>he had been heading towards.
Graham: HEY! Ranma's a sleepwalker!
Tim: After two Rheafics in a row, ANYONE would be a somnabulist!
>Everything seemed okay except for one detail,
Graham: The sun was missing and a gigantic fireball seemed to be plunging straight at Ranma's head.
>the birds were getting quieter the closer he came to his secret spot.
Graham: Is this an alfred hitchcock script or what?
Tim: If it is, and with a title like "Ranma kills!" You KNOW it has to be "Psycho".
Graham: Fortunately, we already are!
>Almost to the rise of the hill that sheltered the area he slowed his progress,
>quite annoyed that his good mood had left him so quickly to be replaced with
>this feeling of dread and terror that something was telegraphing into him like
>live electricity.
Tim: So this is a Euresi Yatsura crossover?
>Unnoticed Ranma's fists started to clench and unclench on their own.
Graham: Ranma's been possesed!
Ranma: Redrum, Redrum.
Tim: All work and no Akane makes Ranma a dull boy...
>Reaching the crest of the rise still in the dense treetops Ranma's breath
>caught in his throat.
Ranma: Air... Need air...
>There in the small clearing where the definition of what sprang to mind
>when one thought of gutter trash of the dregs of society.
Ranma: Lawyers?
Graham: Amway salesmen?
Tim: Oscar.
>Five of them, huge disgusting creatures, one could not really call them men
>simply because to be called one, one must at least resemble one.
Tim: So they're Zoanoids?
Graham: A Ranma Guyver cross-over would be pretty cool...
Tim: I ain't gonna write it.
Ranma: Don't look at me!
>It must have been 90 degrees outside and Ranma was sweating in his light
>weight Chinese silk shirt and the two layers of pants he wore of one water
>proof the other light cotton.
Ranma: I'm sure my fashion sense is VERY important to the subject matter at hand.
>These creeps, they had to be in a gang,
Ranma: Naw, these ugly, animal like gutter trash of the dregs of society must be having a barbecue! That's it!
>were all dressed in heavy denim pants and sporting black leather boots
>as well as heavy leather jackets to go with the boots. Underneath their jackets
>they all had on to various degrees of filth a torn or tattered white shirt. All of
>them had unshaven faces and their greasy unwashed hair clung to the backs
>on their necks.
Tim: It's not a GANG, it's the Fonzie look alike club!
>All of these observations flew through Ranma's mind in half a second as his
>mind assessed them.
Ranma: Okay... I'm more worried about their fashion sense than their fighting abilities, what the hell is wrong with fanfic me?
Tim: Not sure, but you WERE in your own cloud of euphoria, after all.
>While they looked unskilled at any fighting art, most of them overweight or
>not carrying themselves with any poise or grace they were heavily armed with
>clubs and chains and other assorted weapons
Graham: Aren't most gangs at least concerned about LOOKING tough?
Tim: THAT'S heavily armed? Most gangs nowadays wouldn't be caught with anything less than a high powered rifle!
>and their ring leader had what looked like a katana strapped to his back,
Ranma: But in reality turned out to be a loaf of bread.
Graham: Hey, if it's FRENCH bread then he has a deadlier weapon than a katana.
>they must be Mafia he thought to himself.
Ranma: Yakuza. And why the hell would they take on a bunch of losers like these? Organized crime has STANDARDS, you know!
Graham: And how the hell do YOU know THAT?
Ranma: I grew up with my pop, okay? Nuff said.
>Again these observations were flying through his head in mere split seconds.
Tim: Ranma's brain having taken a vacation with the cloud of Euphoria, the observations had full reign of Ranma's braincase.
>They were all crowded around something and he couldn't quite make it out.
Tim: Looks like... A Yeti...
Graham: Riding a Goat...
Ranma: Holding a Crane and an Eel...
>Their smell was wafting up through the tree tops and Ranma was about to leave
>for somewhere more pleasant ..."
Ranma: Like Akane's room?
>They must have been the source of that feeling I got earlier.." he said to himself
>unconvinced.
Tim: Trust me, we're ALL unconvinced out here.
>Turning to leave Ranma heard something, sort of a whimper. Turning
>back he saw one of the guys bend down and raise his right arms,
Graham: Hey! It's Goro!
Tim and Ranma: FINISH HIM!
>fist clenched and then he slammed it into something,
Graham: Multiple arms, one fist. Mutated freaks of the world, UNITE!
Tim: (guy) Ouch! Gotta remember to NOT hit myself there next time...
>it had to have been something soft for Ranma heard no noise, only a low groan.
Graham: So it was a half deflated basketbal?
>Curious now he turned back and was about to call out to them when his heart stopped.
Ranma: From boredom?
Tim: I was wrong, even with a name like "Ranma kills!" it CAN be as boring as a Rheafic.
>One of the gang members moved and the ring leader spoke.
Graham: DUH... C'mon, I'm like a Super-Saiyajin, You know you wanna... DUH...
Tim: I'd agree, cept Oscar couldn't get ANYONE to follow him.
>"Are ya gonna give it up easy bitch or do we hafta do this the hard way?"
>he sneered.
Tim: Are we watching Ranma 1/2 meets a clockwork orange or something?
>Ranma's mind froze.
Ranma: Whoops. Guess I went a little too far with the soul of ice there, huh?
>There lying on the ground was a girl, couldn't have been more than 16-17.
Graham: That seems pretty much old enough to me...
Tim: As a trio of seventeen year olds, we don't consider that to be young.
>As Ranma watched horrified, the man reached down and tried to
>slip down the girls skirt,
Tim: That was a grammatical error if I ever saw one. And considering I've read Oscarfics, I've seen PLENTY!
>dazedly she struggled with him still. "oooh look guys we have a tough one today!"
>He spat and reached into his pocket and pulled out an object...
Tim: A bowling pin?
Graham: A three in one vegematic slicer?
Ranma: A black piglet wearing a yellow bandanna?
>a knife! "She won't be so tough once I cut off one of her ears.
Graham: Oh SURE, BE cliche!
Tim: Yeah, because everyone knows that if you cut off an ear, you've crippled 'em for life!
>Ranma's world froze.
Ranma: Damn flash blizzard!
>Sound slowly filtered out as blood rushed to his head.
Tim: Oh no, Ranma's gone deaf! Now he won't be able to hear Kuno's poetr.. nevermind, that's a GOOD thing.
>His breath caught in his throat
Ranma: How can it catch twice in a row if in never unstuck?
>and a burning sensation started to flame in his chest and was rapidly
>spreading through out his body
Graham: What the he... I'm on fire! put it out put it out put it out!
>He was so horrified he couldn't move.
Ranma: Why? Did a cat walk by?
>Everything went in slow motion next,
Tim: Frozen or Slo-Mo, make up your mind!
>the man raised his hand,
Graham: Which one?
>the knife glinting in the sun as his cohorts cheered him on,
All: Yay...
Ranma: Cheerleading gang members. Only in a Rumic world...
>grasping the almost unconscious girl's hair with his free hand he turned
>her head to cut her, bringing his arm down he moved to strike.
Graham: Stee-rike three! You're out!
>Ranma had never moved so fast in his entire life,
Tim: Moving incredibly fast, yet everything's in Slo-Mo? It's an episode of the six million dollar man!
>barely registering the strange noise screaming in the background
>he leapt into the middle of them.
Graham: Wasn't the girl in the middle...?
Ranma: Damn! Gotta remember that next time! Sorry about the cracked spine, lady.
>The man's arms was stopped short held painfully tight in Ranma's grasp.
Ranma: KASHUU TENSHIN AMIGURIKEN GRAPPLE! for when you need to grab three arms, at once!
>The rest of the gang members had been knocked backwards as he leapt
>past them, they lie stunned on the ground.
Tim: Pick a tense and stick with it.
>Suddenly Ranma's world focused again,
Ranma: Hey! Contacts!
>he realized that that strange screaming noise had been himself ,
Graham: And that his voicebox had been left behind in the tree while the rest of him had jumped.
>what had started out as the word No!
All: (Singing) ...More, No more, No more, No more! Hit the road Jack! And dontcha come back no more!
Tim: So the gang leader's name is Jack?
>Hard sort of lapsed into a primal sound like death itself.
Graham: Death has a sound? Cool, what like?
Tim: Like the sound of one hand typing....
Graham: Give him ten minutes and Tim can turn ANY fic into a hentai experience...
Tim: Yes, that I can... And these analogies make no sense at all, you realize?
>He quickly shut up.
Ranma: Um... That is to say...
>Ranma was, furious!
Tim: Tim was, MST'ing!
Ranma: And I am furious after reading this fic. My heart's stopped, My mind AND world have frozen. It's been hinted at that I'm on fire, My breath has caught twice and now I'm turning into a berserker! OF COURSE I'M GONNA BE PISSED OFF!
>Shaking with rage a new color of battle aura was forming around him,
Graham: Oooh... Chartruese!
>black as ebony it shut out light, and on it's rippling edges a crimson red
>like blood was flicking wildly about like flames from a fire.
Ranma: So I AM on fire.
>Ranma was livid!
Graham: Graham was bored.
Tim: Get to some action already...
>Again this had all happened in a matter of seconds.
Tim: Total running time, not incuding walking... twenty seconds, at most.
>The would be attacker just stared stupidly at Ranma,
Graham: DUH.... I like cats.... DUH....
>the boy looked angry ,
Tim: Anger is the road to hate! Hate is the road to evil, Evil is the path to the dark side! The dark side is the off ramp to a multi feature project netting millions in cash!
>not that he really cared he would kill this arrogant little punk in a minute.
Ranma: So am I thinking that, or did the author just swith POV's without telling us?
Tim: If he's gonna be doing it in a minute, then why doesn't Ranma just kill him now and be done with it?
>The boy was just staring at him grasping his knife hand tightly,
Ranma: Duh... I should be doing something here... right?
>so shrugging mentally
Graham: Hey, he has nimble frontal lobes!
>he reached onto his back with his free hand unsheathing his razor
>edged katana
Ranma: Oh no! He's gonna give me a SHAVE!
Tim: What hand? He only has one fist, and Ranma's got that hand already!
>and in a fluid motion he brought what he thought would be a death blow
>to the boys neck.
Tim: So he decided to forget the Katana and use the deathblow as a weapon instead, but since he only thought it was a deathblow, it turned out to be smoked salmon instead.
>Ranma saw the movement,
Ranma: In mere split seconds.
>but his mind was still locked in his rage,
Graham: No, not this key... not that one... Hey! None of these keys work!
>he could feel the hatred and passion
Tim: I guess he still hasn't "calmed down" from that date with Akane...
>and need to kill this piece of shit burning within him.
Tim: Yep, you ARE on fire, and it's a shit fire no less.
Graham: Is it just me, or does the author want us to not like these guys?
>As the katana bore down something long repressed in the expert fighter
>shut down
Ranma: What now? My Stomach, My liver? My Crotch? WHAT?
Tim: Wait, something repressed shut down? So it's not even online anymore?
Graham: Somehow, I get the feeling that if we make any Yaoi jokes, Ranma will figure out how to make the Breaking point work on humans.
Ranma: Damn straight.
>.......his reluctance to kill.
Ranma: Great job of keeping me IC there, buddy...
Tim: So it was your sense of self that shut down.
>Ranma screamed.
Tim: Get me out of this fanfic! Or else!
>He had caught the blade in his free hand. The edge had cut into his
>palm and cleaved right into the bone.
Tim: Ranma can lift Ryouga's umbrella, can move ridiculously fast, and you're telling me that he can't stop a sword between his fingers?
>Furious his aura flared and he squeezed!
Graham: Well, aren't we in a tight squeeze?
>The blade snapped in two, both edges where broken had traces of blood
>on them,
Tim: Edges, where broken, had. And why the hell did you ruin a perfectly good sword to make THIS lousy excuse for a fic?
>the other hand squeezed too
Ranma: Well exsqueeeeeze me!
>and Ranma not only broke the mans wrist but crushed the bone into
>almost a powder,
Ranma: Powdered bone!
Graham: Just add water!
>that sort of injury was very hard to fix.
All: NO DUH!
>Whimpering the man fell down.
Ranma: Like with his wrist broken he's just gonna ignore it and continue staring at me.
>Ranma was about to finish him off when he sensed danger from behind.
Tim: DANGER RANMA SAOTOME, DANGER!
Ranma: So I'm gonna move from broken wrist right to kill the man? I'm REALLY acting IC here, I swear it!
Graham: Maybe the author just means yer gonna crack the other hand to powder.
Tim: I say the author's had more than enough powder as is...
>Twirling on his heel he managed to duck just as a heavy length of chain
>whistled where his head would have been.
Tim: I call no Andy Griffith theme.
>A blow that would have seriously wounded him or killed him.
All: (stare for a moment, then laugh their asses off)
Ranma: I can survive explosions, get punched through brick walls, get pummeled by Akane, and this kid thinks I'd be hurt by a lousy length of CHAIN?
>Rage possessed Ranma now.
Tim: Exorcist 1/2!
>It owned him.
Ranma: Nabiki sold me again I see....
>Giving his body in to the malicious impulses surging through him
Ranma: Trust me, If I had malicious impulses, Nerima would've been turned to rubble a long time ago.
>he began to fight.
Ranma: At least I'm not walking...
Tim: Or existing in your own euphoric cloud...
>Twisting to the other direction split seconds after his first dodge he
Graham: 0.5 mississippi, 1 missisippi, 1.5 mississippi, 2 mississippi...
>avoided the baseball bat that the other man had swung. The two of the
>punks looked stung,
Tim: (punks) BEES! GET 'EM OFF GET 'EM OFF!
>not really expecting the young looking boy to do such a thing.
All: Young?
Ranma: Since when has seventeen been counted as "young looking?"
Graham: The audacity of that kid! Dodging my bat! Doesn't he know we're the evil gang around here?
>The man with the chain rushed at Ranma swinging it above his head.
>A stupid thing to do really.
Tim: Considering they were right next to a tree...
>Ranma side stepped and as he wrenched the chain out of the clumsy
>mans hand,
Graham: Duh... What happened to tha chain? It wuz here a second ago...
>he also landed a viscous crescent kick placed just below the mans hip
>bone, breaking that joint and effectively crippling the man,
Tim: Viscuous kick? So Ranma's learned how to turn his body into a semiliquid substance?
>to his credit he stayed standing.
Graham: But still, it wasn't enough for the bank to grant him a loan.
>He then smirked as he pulled out a small hand gun and casually aimed it
>at the boy.
Tim: (bad french accent) I aim in your general direction!
>Ranma smirked too and his aura flared, he could sense the other idiot
>creeping up behind him.
Ranma: So this gang has only two idiots?
Graham: From the author's descriptions earlier you'd think they all had the brains of a slug!
Tim: Or at least the features of one.
>At the last possible second Ranma ducked as the now chainless man
>pulled the trigger.
Graham: Damn! He did it again! He dodged my attack! The NERVE of this boy!
>The bullet whizzed past where his head had been and impacted in the
>throat of the man who had been trying to sneak up on Ranma.
Tim: Impacted? As in it got stuck there? What the hell is this guy's throat made out of?
Ranma: Whatever it is, at least the author's sticking true to the form of everything getting lodged in somebody's throat...
>That man gurgled something unintelligible on his way to the ground, but
>Ranma was already ignored him.
Ranma: So he gave a presidential campain speech?
Tim: I promise, that if elected, I will make sure that every man, woman and child, gets a throat as strong as mine...
>Using his training with ribbons he applied the technique to the chain.
Graham: And tied a lovely little bow in one of the gang members hair.
Tim: Way to go Ranma! Defeat them by disgusting them to death!
>As the man with the gun stood there dumbfounded ready to take another
>shot, Ranma flicked his wrist and sent the chain out, the sharp metal tip
>ripping into the mans wrist and almost severing it.
Ranma: Sharp tip? On a chain? Severing a hand with a forward moving TIP? I'd check that again if I were you, Author.
>The man screamed!
All: NO DUH!
>His last thought ever on this world was, "Where the hell did my hand go?!"
Graham: Death by bleeding wrist? What a way to go...
Tim: It takes longer than three seconds to die from a bleeding wrist. Even decapitation victims take longer to die than that! And it is possible to survive a split wrist. That's what coagulatives are for. It's why people commiting suicide do so underwater, so their blood doesn't congeal upon exposure to air! Besides, you said "ALMOST severering it".
Graham: I rephrase my comment. Death by authorian mistake? What a sucky way to go...
>Ranma heard then another scream, most decidedly female.
Tim: Sailor Venus? This is a sailor Venus rape lemon crossover?
>Turning he saw the coward of a ring leader on his feet and holding the
>frightened girl by her neck in his good arm in a choke hold she was
>gasping for breath and her face was going all pale like,
Graham: When sentences collide! On ABC!
>the ring leader was slowly backing up.
Ranma: As his primitive mind had trouble grasping the concept of his feet moving the other way.
>The anger welled up inside of Ranma again,
Graham: Ranma smash!
Ranma: Wow, I wasn't angry there for a moment!
>thinking of all the times Akane had been dragged off by some ogre,
Graham: Lum?
Tim: Inu-Yasha?
Ranma: Actually, Akane's never been dragged off by anyone like this "man like creature"