MST4K: Episode Fifteen: Happosai/ Tendo Pond (Double Bill)

[Ryushikaze]

Tim Jewett 06/02/01
Mordancy Sarcasm Theatre 4000

All belongs to whom it belongs to. Also, please don't sue me. Thank you

In the not too distant future...
Where reality does not exist.
An evil rich kid named Artlu...
Was starting to get really pissed.

"I send 'fics to him and his friends...
Ones that should really warp their minds. (lalala)
But he's shot every single one down...
And the plan called for nothing of the kind!"

Now keep in mind that Tim can't control...
How his friends act and behave.
And he tries to keep them acting fairly sane...
With the help of a weighted stave.

If you're wondering how he eats and breaths...
And other science facts, (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself, "It's none of yer biz'!"
and you really should relax.
For... Mordancy Sarcasm Theater 4000! (wohw wohw)

(Satellite of Lust, one fine suny day in the middle of the night)
(Tim is sitting at the table, eyes closed. Graham walks up)
Graham: Um... Tim, what the hell are you doing?
Tim: Shhhhh! I'm influencing the Random fic selector on Artlu's computer so we actually get a good fic this time.
Graham: You can do that?
Tim: Yeah, all it takes is a basic understanding of advanced electromagnetic cellular manipulation. It's a SNAP!
Graham: Lemme guess, you actually got Max to download a virus limiting the list to fics you liked and you were just now taking a nap?
Tim: Yes, but the other one just sounded better.
Max: DONE! And since the guest should be arriving in a few minutes, not a moment too soon!
Rei: (Still in Shinto robes) Where the heck am I? Last thing I remember, I was getting a vision predicting mass insanity in my near future, and now I've shown up here.
Tim: Whattaya know, Mars CAN predict the future!

(Shallow Twelve)
Artlu: Well, hello there guinea pigs! And hello there you lovely Asian creature you.
Max: Hey! I was made in the US, and you know it!
Artlu: I didn't mean you!
Max: I know.
Artlu: ANYWAYS, My computer has selected the fic for today, but it seemed a little short, so I threw in another fic to beef today's session up a little. Now, Shall we do the invention exchange? You may go first today.

(SOL)
Tim: Sure, why not. (Tim slaps a small device onto the table) This is the "Tourist trap". Unlike the other thing by the same name, this is intended to protect tourists from buying worthless junk they'd never need. It combines a cross between the beam grappler from super metroid, and the gravity generators the satellite uses to, well, Graham would you care to demonstrate?
Graham: Sure. (Graham starts running for the cardboard display set up, which reads "SEE the fifty foot Mini-lop!" Halfway there he slams to the ground, and is dragged back to the main table.) Whattaya think, Artlu?

(S12)
Artlu: Not bad. Mine, on the other hand, is a bit more useful. It's for all the people who need to be able to restrain violent people. You know, Crime bosses, Bookies, CEO's, Chauvinists, etc. It's an easy tracking miniature Bazooka that launches the equivalent of a straight jacket. Here let me show you. MELVIN!
(Melving launched at Atlu, who points the gun at him and fires. Melvin is immediately wrapped up by a rapidly constricting cloth)
Melvin: It hurts! It hurts! Not nearly as much as the elevator music, but STILL!
Artlu: Well, there you have it. Your first doozy for today should be along shortly.

(SOL)
Graham: Hey Tim, is it possible to have a fifty foot Mini-lop?
Tim: Nope, and it's even more impossible to have a credible looking Senshi.
Rei: HEY!
(Klaxons wail. Rei covers her ears, while Tim and Graham calmly enter the theatre)
(Tim sits in the middle, Graham two to his left, Rei two to his right)
Graham: Shouldn't we have included a door sequence?
Tim: SHHHH! Maybe the readers won't notice!

----------------------------------------
Ranma 1/2 Backstory: Happousai

Tim: It's SPINE chilling tale.

by Chris Jones -

based *directly* on a situation
created by Rumiko Takahashi

Graham: As opposed to being based Indirectly on a story by a hack writer.
Tim: Stephen King?

----------------------------------------

20 Years Ago:

Rei: From when?
Tim: It's the Ranma series. EVERYTHING happened TEN years ago! Not twenty!

Breathing hard with the requisite adrenal rush, Happosai
dodged into a convenient air-vent. He froze, listening to the loud
stacatto static of several pairs of hard stilletto heels hitting the
tile at a running pace. After a few seconds, the stacatto died down,
the nurses having lost track of their prey.

Graham: So nurses always hunt in packs?

The shriveled martial artist exhaled heavily, letting his
tension go with his breath.

Tim: This is some heavy stuff, man.

He reached into his sack, to catalogue his winnings.
"One bra," He sighed. "And an ugly one at that. No lace or
frills. No piping or pretty bows... What's a poor old man to do?"

Tim: Abuse your students regularly, so they trap you in a cave for ten years whereupon your exit you proceed to make life a living hell for their kids, one of whom changes shape into a female and you're always trying to get to wear a bra?
Graham: Now, that's just a suggestion, mind you.

*Oh, well. You can't win them all...*

Rei: Apparently he's never seen our series...
Graham: Sailor moon, proving that scantily dressed girls with hour long attacks CAN prevail over the forces of evil, no matter HOW incompetent they may be!
Rei: Why you little...

No! That was Soun talking, damnitt! You *could* win them all.
You just had to figure out how.

Graham: May I suggest high explosives? Always works for me.
Tim: Did you say something about your cooking, Graham?
Graham: Oh, shut up.

Slipping into his 'Locker Room Sneak Peek' technique, Happosai
stashed his bag and slid his tiny frame out of the vent. He decided
to take a walk to perhaps get a new perspective on his problem.
It wasn't that the nurses were very powerful. They were just
women.

Graham: Tim, do Sailor scouts come with a self destruct ability?
Tim: Other than Sailor dies-when-she-attacks, no, I don't think so. Why d'you ask?
Graham: Because if they do, Rei's about to explode.
Rei: JUST WOMEN? LEAD ME TO THAT DIRTY LITTLE SO AND SO I'LL TEACH HIM A THING OR THREE!
Tim: You wouldn't stand a chance. I know guys who could kill you with one blow who have trouble taking that guy down.
Rei: (sulks)

They were, however, very observant. Pediatric nurses had to
be, for obvious reasons.

Graham: (Nurse) Hey! Where'd that ultra-hypractive kid just go?
Tim: And what was that loud splat I just heard?

Spying on the shower was okay, he guessed. A glomp or two
there, however, led very quickly to a banged up skull. On the other

Tim: Hold it, is he just THINKING about doing it, or did he ACTUALLY do it? I might suggest some clarification there.
Graham: You actually gave some helpful commentary again!
Tim: I like the author, he does good stuff, if a little bizarre... Batman's wish.. hooboy...

hand, Happosai could caress his silky darlings at whatever length he
cared, if only he could get them out from under the watchful eyes of
their captors.

Graham: Card?
Tim: Bra card, release!
Rei: (eyes twitching a little)
Graham: Oh comment, it really helps with stress.

It was just one of the many problems he was face with these
days.

Rei: (angrily) Impotency being one of them as well...

Invisibly, he turned at a junction between hallways, not
really sure, nor really caring where his path took him. As he

Rei: Hey, what did that sign on the wall just say?
Tim: Toxic waste disposal, I think...

walked, his thoughts drifted to his other big problem, his two

Graham: Front teeth?
Tim: New assholes?
Rei: Inch dick?

deciples, who were currently hiding out in a small villiage nearby.

Graham: What's a deciple?
Tim: One tenth of a disciple.
Graham: Accurate description of those two...

Soun and Genma were the two best young martial artists he had
come across since he was a young man himself. They were spoiled and
childish, however.

Rei: So they cried when they had their toys taken away?

Happosai could only give them the basics if they refused to
use their ki, and so far, neither one had shown any desire to do so.
It wasn't that they didn't have reason either.

Graham: Because they had lady friends to impress and we ALL know it impresses the ladies when you can blow up mountains.
Tim: Hey, it worked for Goku...

After the first few weeks of fitness drills and basic re-
training, Happosai started goading them. He placed them in hazardous
or embarassing situations, desparately trying to get one or the both
of them to display *some* ki.

Rei: So Happosai's an advocate of "tough love" is he?
Tim: Somehow... that's believable...

After all, they had both shown great aptitude. He was giving
them every reason to hate and kill him, yet they resorted to
deception and cowardice instead of outright rage and attack.
Soun... the boy had such raw pent-up emotion! Happosai caught
the edges of a Shi-shi-houkodan once or twice from the young man,
but rather than let the power of his emotions amplify his attacks,
Soun became a crybaby instead.
Bah, it was all Genma's fault, he rationalized. He was such a
poor influence on Soun. He had the morals of a theif, and less
willpower.

Tim: Thief. And I believe that your average thief has more morals thankyouverymuch.

The mind under his stocky frame was powerful, however. When
left alone, he could always come up with a good scheme to ease his
work, or fill his belly. The real problem lay in the fact that his
mental prowess made him lazy. Why work when you could con someone
else into it?

Graham: Well, WHY?
Tim: Ummm... You don't have to split the cash?

He, too, showed aptitude for harnessing and releasing his ki,
but at every turn, he took the easy way out. He never bothered to
spend his time meditating or building his ki.
*Perhaps I should introduce him to some more of my *exotic*
meditation techniques.* Why spend time mulling one's navel and the
secrets of the universe when you could just as easily find your
center through applied contemplation of your desires?

Tim: Hey, if that works, I should have a power level to put Goku's to shame!

Perhaps that was the secret. If he taught Genma to draw
strength from his desires, as he did, the boy *might* just start to
show some real power. If only...
His thoughts were disrupted as he noticed a tiny, elven face
staring at him from under a blanket.

Graham: A Keebler elf?
Tim: A NEEBLER Elf, maybe?
Rei: Or Elvi... Damn was that Thinkerfic confusing...
Tim: I know! Wren Ellesidil! No! Lashana Daeth! LASHANA! LASHANA! LASHANA!
Graham: She's only a HALF elf, Tim!
Tim: I don't care!
Rei: What's going on here?
Graham: Oh, Tim's just fixated on a particular red headed Elven girl right now...
Tim: EHEHEHEHE... Note to self: find way into Elvenbane universe...

"What'ca doin' 'ji-san?" the little girl chirped.

Graham: Ji-san, an insult with an honorific at the end... only from the mouths of babes.
Tim: Or babes to be...
Graham: Huh?
Tim: Keep reading...

Happosai realized he was in the middle of a restricted ward.
It's only occupant was the child in front of him.
*It's the one flaw in my techinique,* he thought. No matter
how he concentrated, small children could always see through the
sight while unseen trick. He shook his head.

Graham: Yeah, since small kids basically have the attention span of a ferret...

"Just going for a walk. Don't mind me."
"Ummm..." she paused, and coughed a little. "Why?"
Happosai felt a smile creeping across his gnarled face. "I
have two students who refuse to do their homework. I just can't
handle them."
"Maybe you should take away their teddy when they bad. 'Sat
what happens when I's bad."
"Teddy?" the old man asked. Surely a girl so young wouldn't be
wearing such lacy...

Rei: WHAT? HE AUTOMATICALLY THINKS THAT THE CHILD WEARS LACY UNDERGARMENTS? WHY I OUGHTA KILL THIS HENTAI. I'M GONNA (A dart is sticking out of her arm) Relax... Ooooohhh, pretty colors...
Tim: (Holding a tranquilizer gun) Told you it was worth it to spring for the tranquilizers under the seats, Graham.

"Oh," he noted as the little girl pulled out a ragged stuffed
animal from under the blanket. It was at one time a bear, he
supposed, but now it resembled nothing more than a whale or a sea-
creature of some sort.

Graham: It's the Loch Ness Plushy!

The girl crushed it to her face. She held it as if it were her
only lifeline.

Tim: I call no "Millionaire" jokes.

"The nurses take it away from you?" he asked, incredulously.
"'S Nurse Horsey-Facey. She says I's horribly little girl and
should die."
That would be that bitch, Nurse Oketachi. Happosai allowed his
eyes to narrow in anger. She was the ugliest, meanest excuse for a
healer and caretaker of children Happosai had ever met. He didn't
even bother trying to break into her undergarments when he invaded
the locker room.

Rei: She's THAT ugly?
Tim: If Happi don't want their undies, you KNOW they're ugly.

"What's your name, little girl?" he asked, curiously toying
with the idea of some just punishment on behalf of the child.
"'S Hinako."

Graham: Oh, NOW I get the "Babes to be" remark.
Tim: Just lettin ya know beforetime.

"Hmm..." Stepping around to the end of the bed, he lifted the
little girl's chart and began leafing through all the papers and
graphs attached to the clipboard.

Rei: (Happosai) Damn, no sports illustrated swimsuit edition!

Coming out from under the blanket to see what he was doing,
Hinako leaned over the end of her bed rail.
For the first time, Happosai could see the girl's features.
While she had a beautiful face, her hair was a dull, stringy brown.
It was loose and matted. In one or two places, it had come away from
her scalp entirely in great chunks.

Tim: Are you sure it's Hinako? It might just be young Sinead O'Connor!

Happosai frowned as he noted the tiny light bruises running up
the girls arms and into her hospital gown. They were consistent with
the diagnosis on the chart.
"Doctor says my blood is sick," the little girl confirmed.
Pediatric Leukemia. *Damn,* the little pervert thought to
himself. *Such a waste.* Besides her having to suffer a slow,
painful death, Happosai could easily see the buxom young woman this
child would become in time, if only she had the chance.

Graham: Is it just me, or did you guys get a shot of Happosai as Yoda? I mean, that looking into the future bit?
Tim: (Yoda voice) Hm.. Anger is the road to hate, desire is the road to lust, lust is the path to perversion, perversion is the off ramp to a glomping spree... now wear for me this bra you will, Young Saotome...

He shook his head sadly. Amoung his other pursuits, Happosai
kept up with medicine. In his line of work, he *had* to.

Rei: (gleefully) Since he got regularly beaten to a pulp!
Tim: I think I might've overdosed her...

There was little chemotherapy would do for a case this
advanced. And while bone-marrow transplants were becoming more
common, they were still fairly rare. He doubted the girl would last
long enough, *if* a donor were even being sought.
Then it came to him. It was a technique he had seen his
master's master perform when he was a child. He'd have to find the
scroll, but...

Tim: If his Master's Master's handwriting is anything like his, he won't be able to read it.

"How would you like to make Nurse Horsey-facey leave you
alone, Hinako-chan?"
"Yeah!" The little girl excitedly sat up in bed. Happosai
suppressed a wince as several strands of her hair floated to the
floor.
"Are you a doctor?" she asked. "Can you make me all better?"
"Call me Doctor Happi. I can help you to make yourself better,
but there may be some side effects."

Graham: Well, you may get a strange and irrestible urge for Lacy undergarments, but that's no real problem
Tim: Hell, for us, it's a blessing... Now to figure out how to keep Hinako as an adult all the time...

"What?"

Rei: You weren't paying attention? They just made two ultra hentai comments and you weren'tpaying attention? Good for you!

"Well," he explained. "You may not grow anymore. You might
also grow for little bits of time."
Happosai twisted his mouth as uncomprehension sat toad-like in
the girl's eyes.
"Like a flower that only blooms during the day. You might be
grown up for a little bit, and then be a little girl again."
Hinako nodded sadly. "I ain't gonna get any better with
the..." she paused for a second, unsure of what to say.
"...treatments... Am I?"
Happosai shook his head. "Maybe, but I don't think so."
"I wanna get better."

Graham: Well, I wanna blow up my school, but we don't always get what we want, now do we?
Tim: I want her to get better. You seen what a babe Hinako is as an adult?
Rei: Is all you two care about women?
Tim: No... we also like to blow shit up.

An evil smile broke over Happosai's face. If this worked
right, it might just solve *his* problems as well.
He had the girl lay face down on her bed, and administered a
brisk, ki releasing massage. It would improve her health, but the

Tim: Before Happosai became a perverted martial artist, he worked as a professional Massuese for a women's health club.

real gains would come when he applied the pressure points from the
scroll.
"I'll be back this same time tomorrow," he promised.
"Pinky Promise?"
"Pinky Promise!"

Tim: Hey... that's not his pinky...
(Graham and Rei throw up)
Tim: It's his index finger.
Rei: I should hurt you for that.

* * *

Happosai shook his head in disbelief. Soun had actually
*invented* a ki attack. True, the Musabetsu Kakotu Demon Head Heart
Stopper was more show than bite, but it showed that the boy could
finally progress. Maybe now, Genma would start reacting to his
goading as well.

Tim: I can't wait to see Happosai get a load of the "Spining Panda Butt Slam".

*Maybe, but not bloody damn likely.* Happosai growled to
himself as he approached the hosipital. *Lazy bastard.*

Graham: ...who is fat.
Tim: I can actually see Genma in the role of Fat Bastard, actually...

He let himself in and made his way up to the restricted ward.
Within a few minutes, he was at Hinako's bedside.
Proudly, he smiled. Over the last month, the bruises on her
arms had dissapeared and her hair had become fuller, even luscious.

Rei: For some reason, that sounds Hentai...
Tim: Well, Happi IS a pervert...

While she slept, he administered the five shiatsu points in
the correct sequence.

Graham: Eeny meany miny mo...

"Hinako-chan. Time to get up." he whispered.
After a gentle prodding, the girl came awake. Her face
brightened at the sight of 'Doctor Happi' but quickly clouded over.
Tears starte to gather on her eyelids.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
A tear rolled down Hinako's smooth cheek. "Nurse Horsey-Facey
took Teddy away because I couldn't sleep last night."

Rei: Punish a child for having energy... THAT'S intelligent...
Tim: Especially when she's been showing steady progress towards recovery. Who wants the missile laucher? Cuz I call the chaingun with flamethrower attachment!

Happosai guaged the girl's health and appearance. Her
metabolism would have to be tested, and this was as good a chance as
any.
"Let's go get him back, then, and show Horse-face what for."
"Yea!"
Happosai let a mean grin cross his face, noting how much she
had improved in both health and spirit.

Graham: Soon, why, she'd be kicking his "deciple's" asses!
Tim: Hold it... I'm missing a few volumes of the manga, but doesn't Hinako try and hit on Soun later on...?

"Okay, Hinako-chan. This is what I need you to do..."

Rei: Get me thirty pounds of C-4, a napsack, and some booze, ya got that?

* * *

Happosai raced down the hall with a sack of appropriated
undergarments. He let the nurses keep up with him, staying just out
of reach of Oketachi's cruel broom handle.

Tim: Cruel Broom, brought to you by cruelthings. Cruelthings, supplying evil Overlords for one hndred and fifty years... because we don't have a choice.

"Ha ha, you'll never get me!" He crowed, turning a corner in
the hospital ward.
He taunted and jeered, enraging the women. He made crude,
sexist comments sure to heat their blood. Just when Oketachi was
about to reach him with that broom...

Graham: A mini-lop jumped out and slashed her with a switchblade.

"Now, Hinako-chan!" he cried.
To his right, the little girl stepped out of a side hallway
and drew the five yen coin from a pocket in her nightgown. She held
it high, and swept an arc, just as he had instructed her.
"HAPPO-GO-EN-SATSU!" she cheerfully shouted. Her arc began to
glow.
Oh, he wanted to burst with joy and pride as her ki flowed
into the coin, forming a lens to draw in the battle ki of those
around her. Within seconds, the nurses had collapsed, all their
extra energy drained off into his young student.

Tim: Who had just become a buxom knockout. WHOA MOMMA!

If he tought she had improved greatyly before, he was proved
wrong. Her hair was now even more full and lustrous, her skin was
bright and smooth, and she had grown about an inch during the
attack.

Tim: Was it upwards, or outwards?

Oketachi was the last to drop, stubbornly clinging to her
broom handle.
"Where's Teddy?!?!" Hinako demanded as the nurse finally
dropped.
"Teddy's here, Hinako-chan." Happosai offered, drawing the
distressed toy from his booty sack. It had been in the horrid
woman's locker, of all places.
"Hinako got better!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, you did. You have to promise me you'll do your
excercises every day now, Hinako-chan."
The little girl nodded reverently. "Promise."
"Well, I gotta get goin'. I need to show those two losers out
in the forest who's lord and master again. Good-bye, Hinako."

Graham: Yeah, they've been worshiping a golden calf recently...

"Bai-bai!" the little girl waved.
*Now,* the pervert thought to himself as he exited the
hospital, *with that problem solved, I can get back to the boys.
Maybe if I get them arrested again, Soun'll use that Demon-head
attack on the police.*

Tim: That reminds me... Is it just me, or does anyone else here notice the absolute indifference Nerima ward exhibits? I mean, the demon head Ki attack, during Genma's and Happosai's giant battle only a few people rushed from the scene, form changing martial artists, giant tornados, A minotauresque monster bashes up a good potion of town, a boy with a yellow bandanna and giant umbrella causes property damge on a large scale OFTEN, and later on, Ki blast are getting chucked left and right!
Graham: Maybe they're heavy sleepers?

Present:

"HAPPO-GOJUU-SATSU" Hinako cried, draining the pervert as his
head peeked out of Akane's locker. "I told you already, you
geriatric delinquent, stay out of the girl's locker room!!!!"

Rei: WOOHOO! GET THAT PERVERT!

Flipping her hair back over her well-rounded shoulders, Hinako

Graham: DELICATELY rounded shoulders?

'tsk'ed' and opened a window. The husk that had been a powerful
martial artist floated out on the breeze, and Hinako closed the
window behind him. She marched out of the locker room, swinging her
hips dangerously behind her.

Tim: Which caused her to slam them painfully into several students.

As Happouasi floated out over the soccer field, he sighed.
"I really should know better," he admitted to no one in
particular.

Graham: Would that be us?

* * *

Author's notes:

I wrote this to clear up an apparent inconsistency (for me, at any rate)
in the Anime chronology.

Tim: Okay... what inconsistency? I mean, which one exactly?

Based on the assumption that Hinako was born in 1970, and 26 years old in
1996, when the manga ended, she would be about six years old in 1976, four
years before Ranma and Akane were born in 1980.

Graham: Hey! By that logic, we're only four years Younger than Ranma and his gang!

Thus, its reasonable to assume that Soun and Genma are still training
with Happosai while he's teaching Hinako the Happo-satsu technique.

Any one know the manga well enough to throw this time-line off?

Tim: Nope. Wish I knew it better, but I've only got sixteen volumes, and read a chunk of the last.

Also, unlike Happosai, I didn't keep up with medicine in the 70's. Alas,
I was but a wee child....

All: Well, we weren't even born!

When did they start performing bone marrow transplants for Luekemia
patients? Anyone? Anyone? 19...

Ah well... Merry Holiday-of-your-choice, everybody!

Tim and Graham: National Orgy day?

Chris

Tim: and now for the follow up...


I got this idea last night and it wouldn't let go until I'd written
it.

Rei: I wish you'd hadn't... I'd be gone by now.
Tim: Hey! It's wearing off!

C&C (and flames) welcome!

Graham: It's not often you see a man welcoming flames...
Tim: Mayhaps he's just REALLY eager to get his works viewed?

==================================================

In Tendou Pond

by David Eddy <dje@progress.com>

Tim: Note to self: Send MST off to both Parties. Not to insult, for once.

A fan fiction based on Takahashi Rumiko's Manga series, Ranma 1/2.

The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the property of Takahashi Rumiko and
her licencees.

Graham: And I'm violating about fifty thousand copyright laws for your enjoyment. HAPPY?

"Nihao, Ranma! Shampoo bring dinner for husband!"
Kasumi looked up from her seat at the dining table. The shoji and
outer doors were thrown wide open to catch any passing breeze. A fan
struggled against the humid air in the corner.

Rei: So the fan's a mime?
Tim: I understand where they're coming from. Tokyo's on the same basic Geographic level as my hometown... DAMN does it get hot during the summer...

"Oh! Shampoo!" she said. "I'm afraid Ranma isn't here at the
moment."

Tim: He left earlier with Akane... something about family planning, I wasn't really listening.

"Shampoo make ramen for husband, extra-special deluxe. What Shampoo
do with ramen if husband not here?"

Graham: Um... At the risk of this turning into a lemon...
Rei: (Glares at Graham, fire burning in her eyes)
Graham: Smear it all over your body?
Rei: MARS FIRE SURROUND!
Tim: You aren't transformed.
Rei: DAMN!

"I'll give it to him later if you like?"
Shampoo frowned for a moment, then handed over a covered bowl.
"You give only to him?"
"No one else will get it."

Tim: Since I'll throw it in the trash first thing.

"I leave with you then."

Graham: Shampoo actually used "I"?
Tim: Shampoo using semi-proper grammar?! That's possibly the most OOC I've EVER seen Shampoo! Well, other than in the desperately seeking Shampoo OAV, that is.

Nabiki came down the stairs to see Kasumi kneeling at the table
looking uncertainly at a bowl of takeaway ramen.

Rei: Is she afraid it's going to attack?
Tim: Knowing Shampoo's food tricks, and how plenty of people right Kasumi as a psychotic, Who knows?

"Did you order ramen, oneechan?" asked Nabiki.

Graham: No, I ordered Tofu.
Tim: But Tofu doesn't deliver. Sit down only.
Graham: But does he give house calls?
Tim: Only for his EXTRA SPECIAL patient.
Rei: SHUT UP YOU HENTAIS!

Kasumi looked up. "Hello, Nabiki. Shampoo just dropped this off
for Ranma."

Rei: And I'm trying to figure out what she drugged it with this time.

"Is it just for him?"
"So she said."
Without hesitating, Nabiki grabbed the bowl and tossed it, ramen and
all, into the pond outside. The cover fell off the bowl as it hit the
water and she stood, hands on hips, as the bowl sank quickly out of
sight.

Tim: Take that you noodle based delicacy! Hah, I am once again triumphant over foriegn food! I am Nabiki the oh so powerful and wise!

Odd bits of garnish floated on the water.

Graham: That was needlessly Cryptic...
Tim: Rei'd be peeing her pants if she wore any. And do you realize that's probably the fourth or fifth time we've used that particular joke?

"Why did you do that, Nabiki? I promised Shampoo I'd give it to
nobody but Ranma."

Tim: Hey, you're filling part of the bargain. You're giving it to nobody!

"It's far better that the fish get drugged than Ranma. Do you have
any idea how much it costs when he and Akane fight in the house?"
"Shampoo doesn't drug her food!" Kasumi looked slightly
scandalised.

Tim: She has Cologne do it for her!

"Oh, and I suppose the passion spice was our imagination, was it?"

Graham: There is no passion Spice, it is all in your mind.
Tim: These Aren't the shapeshifting Martial artists you're looking for...

"Well, once then."
"Anyway, it doesn't matter. Even if it wasn't drugged Ranma'd just
scoff it down and Akane'd challenge him about her cooking and they'd
fight anyway. I've saved us all a lot of trouble this way."
The sound of shouting young voices came from the street. The gate
slammed open and Akane stalked through it. Ranma followed, his face
set.
"All I said was that I thought that Kazuko was pretty! Whoever drew
her knew what they were doing!"
"And I said she was too skinny and had funny eyes!"
"She's *meant* to have funny eyes! That's part of the story!"

Rei: Any clue?
Graham: None.
Tim: About as much.

Akane stalked into the house. Ranma settled in a kind of half-sit
half-squat position on a rock by the pond.
"Did you enjoy the movie, you two?" asked Kasumi cheerily.
"It was fine. Ranma was impossible!"

Rei: He kept trying to feel me up during the movie!
Tim: Now who's the Hentai?

"Just because I thought Kazuko was a pretty good fighter..."
Akane stalked over to stand over Ranma. "You *said* she was twice
as fast as me, almost quick enough to be a *real* fighter!"
"Yeah. So? What's your point, you slow, uncute girl?!"
"I'll show you who's slow!!"

Rei: I'll assume you meant Oscar?

Akane formed her left hand into a sword shape and thrust it at the

All: AAAAH! T-1000!

top of Ranma's breastbone. Caught completely off guard, he missed the
block and she knocked him off balance. Grabbing frantically, Ranma
latched onto her hand with his right hand and pulled in an effort to
stay out of the water. Regrettably he was heavier than Akane and she
went in with him.

Ranma and Akane's heads broke the surface together. Simultaneously
they spat out some pond water. They looked about to launch into each
other again when they stopped... and stared into each other's eyes.
Kasumi smiled at the scene. "Ahhh... at last," she said.
In the pond, Ranma (now in female form) and Akane had moved closer
to one another, lost in the contemplation of each other's faces.
Their heads moved together. They kissed. Their arms went around each
other as the kiss deepened.

Tim and Graham: L,E,S...B-I,A,N... Time for a threesome, HEY!

"I guess the ramen was drugged after all," said Nabiki, shaking her
head.
In the pond, the happy couple broke their kiss. "I love you, Akane-
chan," said Ranma.
"I love you, Ranma-chan," said Akane. They started to kiss again,
their hands wandering over each other's backs slowly but somehow
urgently.

Graham: Tim, is this a lemon? Cuz I know you've got it in your archives!
Tim: No, but it's DAMN Ecchi.

"That's not it at all, Nabiki," said Kasumi, smiling at the scene
unfolding before them. "When a couple fall into this pond holding
hands, their true feelings for each other will be revealed."

Graham: So if Rei and Chad fell in...?
Tim: Natch
Rei: ...!

Nabiki stared at Kasumi, her gaze torn away from the passionate pair
in the pond by the outrageous pronouncement. "Wha... what on earth
are you talking about?!"

Rei: You have a sex changing martial artist living under your roof, and you find something unbelievable?

"Mother told me about it before she died."
"But what about Shampoo's ramen?"
Kasumi smiled. "That must have been a red herring. This is after
all a *koi* pond."

Tim: I count two puns in that last sentence alone...
Graham: Huh, what?
Tim: Red "HERRING", "KOI" pond. Koi means Karp. that's the fish pun. I dunno if it was intentional. The other one is that Koi means both Karp and "true love".
Graham: Magikoi! Magikoi!
Tim: Graham, make me hurt you...


* * * FIN * * *


You may now face-fault.

All: (Facefault)

Cheezy, wasn't it?
For those who don't know, "koi" is both a kind of fish and a word
meaning "romantic love".
I make no apologies for this dreadful pun. Bring on the flame
throwers! Do your worst! I dare ya!! Hahahahahaha!!

Graham: Lemme guess, since he invited flames, we don't?
Tim: Natch.

(For those who missed it, I counted two puns in the title too.
Yatta! Hahahaha!!)

Ahem. :-) :-) :-)

Rei: It's over, I can leave!

(The outer room)
Tim: You can't leave just yet. We haveta give C&C. First fic?
Graham: I liked it. It was funny.
Tim: It was also an emotional piece for Happposai. Don't see too damn many of those around, I'll tell ya.
Rei: He was a pervert.
Graham: Happosai or The Author?
Tim: I'm willing to believe both. Considering that Chris Jones has had several Lemons with Ranma and Akane, Ranma-chan and Akane, and even one with Ranma-chan and Akane-KUN... Anyways, The Eddyfic?
Rei: It was Corny.
Graham: VERY Corny.
Tim: DAMN Corny.
Graham: BRUTALLY Corny.
Tim: But very true to life! It was cliche, and Corny, and likely to make Mike Rhea want to rip out your entrails, but I liked it... especially since it paired up the "True Eternal Couple of Ranma 1/2" -to throw Mike Rhea's words back in his face- Ranma and Akane. RUMIKO WANTS THEM TO BE TOGETHER! YOU ARE NOT ONE TO ARGUE OTHERWISE! I needed that...
Graham: My eardum...
Tim: Seeya Rei, Seeya next time folks!
(Signal End)

THE END

"Call me Doctor Happi. I can help you to make yourself better,
but there may be some side effects."

"It was fine. Ranma was impossible!"

Send Email to Me at Ktnablade@AOL.com
or Graham at Gmantis14@AOL.com
or Max at ThisAddressDoesNotExist@AOL.com

Okay, It's the end of the year up at school, I'm bored off me Kiester and there's nothing ta do! So I'm blitzing through Mst's like fire through dry leaves. I'm already a good chunk into 16 already. Well, see you all next time. As always...

Comments appreciated, Flames laughed at.
---

I'm sure you're all happy to have short ones again. As standard, C&C here in the thread, as the emails are completely defunct.

[Sidewinder]

The MST was okay, but because the original fics were so damn bland, I wasn't laughing out loud like I did with some of the other MSTs.

Oh well. Bland is better than sucks ass, like the Oscar fics.