MST4K: Episode Thirty: Spirit Lover
Posted: 2007-04-13 12:52am
And now for something completely different- A brand spanking new MST!
Putting up old ones shall resume shortly.
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Tim Jewett 04/11/07
Mordancy Sarcasm Theatre 4000
All belongs to whom it belongs to. Also, please don't sue me. Thank you
In the not to Distant Future
(The opening sequence is being molested by a tentacle monster)
Graham: Trust me, you DO NOT want to see this. Even if you LIKE tentacle porn!
Satellite of Lust, that time when you did that thing. You know the one.
(An explosion rocks the Satellite.)
Tim: The hell was that?
Max: I thought it was our 5 O clock explosion.
Tim: No, that one goes more like wooga wooga. This one was more like a Kracka-zwang.
Max: Leaving aside that that makes absolutely no sense, what does it mean?
Graham (walking in): Dammit, the 5 o'clock explosion was late again!
Tim: No, that was a completely irregular explosion. I'm currently trying to figure out what the hell caused it, and for that matter, where we are, since that big browny blue thing out the window is currently missing.
Graham: ... Earth?
Tim: Yeah. That's the one.
Max: Is missing?
Tim: Yep.
Graham: And you're not just looking out the wrong hole, right?
Tim: Nope. Cycled all the external cameras. Not only is Earth missing, but so is the sun and any constellation I consider familiar.
Max: The hell? Where the hell are we, then?
Graham: Please don't say lost in space.
Tim: We're not lost in space.
Graham: Phew.
Tim: We just happen to be in the ass end of space relative to earth.
Graham: Which is different how?
Tim: I know where to point us to get home.
Max: Which makes me worry that there's a great huge "but" about to appear in your next sentence.
Tim: And you'd be right to worry. Our Zwee drive was knocked out in the blast. It was probably what shunted us here, come to think of it. We're gonna have to limp home using our Hyperdrive, and that'll take awhile.
Max: So, what, we're like Voyager in the Delta Quadrant?
Graham: I'd prefer to think of us as Red Dwarf. It means no Neelix, and less "Console a splode."
Tim: Don't worry, I have no plans to pick up annoying aliens with no fashion sense.
Max: What about annoying earth life forms with no fashion sense?
Tim: Well, that's a grey area. I'll allow it, but only if they provide us with a sufficient amount of physical comedy.
Graham: Fair enough. Will we be grabbing any new androids or cyborgs?
Tim: Sure. Provided they're not homidical. Those tend to get old after the thirtieth re-activation.
Max: Those were totally not my fault.
Zoom: Yep! All mine!
Tim: That's not really something you want to admit to, Zoom.
Graham: Since we're like Red Dwarf, are we millions of years from home?
Tim: If we had to obey the laws of physics, yeah. Fortunately, we don't, and as such, we should be home before anyone notices we're missing.
Graham: So, we're stuck in the middle of nowhere, somewhere between months to years from home, and we've got no allies, no way to restock, and no clue what we're doing-
Tim (mutters): It's dark, and we're wearing dark glasses.
Graham: What?
Tim: Nevermind.
Graham: Whatever. Anyways, at least we don't have to worry about Artlu sending us any new bad fanfics for us to MS-
(A hologram of Artlu appears)
Artlu: Hello, victims.
Graham: I should have just kept my mouth shut.
Artlu: I have a fic for you.
Graham: WAIT JUST A MOMENT.
Artlu: What?
Graham: What is this? Why are you HERE? (Tries to hit the hologram), and why can't I hit you?
Artlu: Oh. I installed a Hologram to substitute for myself in the event of my demise or if I was somehow drastically severed from giving you yokels your daily dose of pain.
Tim: So you unloaded your entire personality into the SoL?
Artlu: No no. Nothing so elaborate. Space aboard my device was limited, so I merely gave my evil, my vengeance, and my loathing to my digital copy.
Tim: So you uploaded your entire personality into the SoL?
Artlu: You're a little slow on the uptake today.
Tim: You're about par for the course.
Artlu: Oh, hard-ee-har-har. Your fanfic, "Spirit Lover", a love little fic about some beyond the grave lovin' in a flower field is waiting for you. I suggest you hurry along now and take your pain like good little monkies before I'm forced to take drastic measures. Like cutting off your oxygen.
(No one moves)
Artlu: Don't you care about breathing?
Tim: I hate to tell you this, Artyboy, but you don't control the air up here. We kind of went through and took out all of your trojans months ago.
Artlu: I think I'm evidence to the contrary.
Graham: All the important trojans.
Max: Doesn't he still control the laundry?
Graham: Technically. As much as anyone controls the laundry up here.
Tim: He might also control some of the blinds, and maybe the VCR.
Max: No. I took out the VCR trojan yesterday. It makes your old bootleg pornos way too fuzzy.
Graham: Leaving aside the question of why Max was watching Tim's old pornos, there really isn't anything you can do to get us into that theatre.
Artlu: I can bitch and moan until you go in.
Tim: Y'know, I think he has a valid point this time. However, rather than see it validated, I'll just head inside now and deprive him of the pleasure. (Points at Artlu) I'm still getting paid for this.
(The Door Sequence was lost in the explosion. Only bits and pieces of doors 7, 4, and 3 are still with us. The rest are presumed to be strewn through time and space)
(Graham sits two seats to Tim's left. Max sits two to Tim's right.)
Max: Let's light this fart!
Disclaimer: I don't own it. SquareEnix Does. Nuff said.
Tim: Y'know, I accept that you're trying to cover your ass here, but to be frank, the characters in your fic bear no resemblance to the characters SE owns.
Spirit Lover
Max: Hello, my name is Author, and I'm an alcoholic.
A/N:No necrophilia here. Just very...supernatural lovin'.
All(singing): Baby you know, you're the one for me... And all that I want to be is...
You and me... and ouija, supernatural,
You and me... you're see through, supernatual,
Supernatual lovin' baby, ghost'r banshee...
Set after Calling/Reminscence, while Cloud's bike is stopped in the flowerfield. Submitted in honor of Aerith's February 7th birthday.
Graham: Dammit!
Tim: What?
Graham: Her birthday's the day before mine! Plus I have a friend whose birthday is the day after, and I'm already sharing my day with a webcomic author!
Max: And the problem here is...?
Graham: MY cake! MY presentses! MY birthday! gollum! gollum!
Max: Setting your insane avarice aside, can I just note the strangeness of honoring the dead by writing stories of them having sex from the beyond? Dude... I'm a robot that eats, vomits, and watches porn, and even I think that's strange.
It was a long ride. Why did she have to pick a flowerfield out in the middle of nowhere? Oh, it didn't matter. Because it's out in the middle of nowhere, it seemed most likely that nobody'd ever find them out here.
Graham: Yes. No one must know of Cloud and Barret's forbidden love!
She'd sensed him coming. Had felt through the planet the sound of tires on road, had felt through his soul his approaching presence. He was coming for her. She was content to wait for him with a smile.
Tim: And heels and nothing else?
Graham: Are you still on that kick?
Tim: I will derive amusement from this dreck in some manner or another! So help me!
Cloud parked the bike. And got off. A couple of annoying phonecalls later, he was free. He didn't want to talk to Tifa or Barret. Not now. He had something better to do.
Tim: Take over THE WORLD!
Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he caught sight of something pink...
Max: Pink?
Graham: He's having an affair with Marlene!
All (tune of "Normal View"): Lo-li-con... Lo-li-con... Lo-li-coooooonnn...
Something pink in a field of yellow flowers. He raced off to where he saw it, but found nothing. Feelings of dissapointment were just starting to sneak up on Cloud when a pair of arms grabbed Cloud from behind. One over his right shoulder, the other under his left arm. A chin suddenly rested on his shoulder. Instead of tensing up, however, he felt himself relaxing...his spirit felt...easier. Caught, but he didn't really want to get away.
Graham: Man, Cloud's easy enough as is. Honeybee Inn, anyone?
Max: Does anyone else hear dueling banjos and "you got a purdy mouth" after reading that? Tell me I'm not the only one.
"You cheat." He only got a giggle by way of reply. His head dropped downward, but as soon as it did, she'd snuck her face under his ear and nibbled on his throat. Somehow, she knew just how and where to do so. He didn't think to question it, either. Well, when she was in that kind of mood, there was nothing to be done about it.
Tim: Only the shotgun could talk sense into her now. Fortunately, Cloud had come prepared.
"I'm very proud of you." Cloud heard her voice. Still ethereal. Despite the fact she felt solid enough to him, he could tell this was still her SpiritForm. Sensing the question before it was asked, she added, "You forgave yourself...and you're not running from your friends anymore. And you smiled! I saw that."
Max (Aerith): I also saw what you and Tifa did ten minutes later. She's got a very good hand motion for a novice.
Tim: Wasn't she talking with children when she smiled? Are you making Aerith omniscient, author?
"How did you see? You were walking away."
Graham: Because I'm a Mary Sue in this fic! And Mary Sues can do ANYTHING! We're MAAAAGIIIIC.
"Cloud, don't ask how anymore. Just...accept."
Tim: Nothing in this fic makes any gorram sense. I've accepted it. You should too. The sooner you do, the sooner it's over, and the sooner we're both back in character.
She let him go...and then walked around till she was in front of him. Leaning over the way she did when she was alive, she looked at him with emerald eyes. "No guilt, now. The guilt you leave in your soul creates a barrier I have trouble getting around. So I couldn't really...be with you till now."
Max (Cloud): Then where the hell were you when I felt really fucking good about myself right after kickin Sephiroth's Ass two years ago, huh?
Graham (Aerith): Um.... well, funny you mention Sephiroth's ass...
Cloud's eyes got wide at that. He could've been with her months and years ago if only he'd...he catches himself, realising that feeling guilty about feeling guilty would do something bad to her he doesn't want done.
Graham: The english language has just filed charges against you, author. It's accusing you of abuse. I feel it has a solid case.
Leaning over a little more, she smiles at him. "Nice save." Another giggle at the perplexed look on the man's face. She realized it wouldn't ever be easy for him to ignore his lingering feelings, but she noticed he made an effort for her once he noticed the problem, and fought it. Fought it for her.
Max: Awww, isn't that sweet. He doesn't deliberately do an asshole thing to his dead friend, therefore they must be in love... Isn't it just so sweet?
"Cloud...I want to...meet you..." Her eyes were large, and focused wholly on his.
Tim (Cloud): Yo... Right here.
Max (Aerith): No, I want to MEET you.
Tim (Cloud): Right here in front of you.
Max (Aerith): I mean I want to Hump you, you choco-headed idiot!
Tim (Cloud): Then use words the rest of the universe can understand you beribbon'd ninny! "I want to meet you". What've you been smoking?
Graham: Actually, she did look kinda stoned in Advent Children. Maybe the lifestream is like the world's biggest bong hit. It would explain a lot about FF7, really.
For all that she was 'at one' with the Planet, she still felt vulnerable. Vulnerable and alone with a man in a deserted flowerfield. A man who was not, in the general sense of the word, at peace with his emotions or himself.
Graham: But was, surprisingly, happy with his motorcycle insurance.
Cloud nods, but...once again, the question of 'how?' plasters itself all over his face. How? is still there when she wraps her arms around his neck again...trapping him. Chocobo head can't escape her now! And then, believing no more words were necessary, she kissed him.
Tim: Author. One tense. Pick it. Stay with it. Make it YOURS.
Poor Cloud hadn't been kissed at all before. Let alone kissed in this unnatural way. It was as if the kiss was just some sort of...demonstration for the eye while something far deeper was happening. As if there was a hole in his soul, and it was being filled. Slowly...but it was being filled. He hadn't even realized there was a problem till he felt that presence inside of him. She slipped her tongue in his mouth, which had opened for her without her having to try. That 'hole' inside of himself seemed to be filling more rapidly. He found himself...being filled with her.
Max: Dude... Is Cloud getting buttraped? By a ghost? By AERITH'S ghost?
Tim: That does seem to be the implication, little buddy.
Max: That's... That's.... That's... Kinda funny, now that I think about it.
And then she stopped that kiss...only to cheerfully inform him, "You're wearing too much stuff!" Amd she started to take it off of him. Cloud, somehow, decided to let her. He realized what she had in mind for him.
Tim: It involved crossdressing, bondage, and an etheral donkey. He immediately wondered why he had decided to let Aerith do what she wanted.
If this is what an unnatural union felt like, he'd rather not bother with natural unions.
Graham: The mental scars from this will last him a lifetime. He'd rather not risk collecting more.
What was even better to watch was the way Aerith's clothes would sort of fall off of her like leaves off a tree, then vanish into the flowers despite their red and pink coloring.
Tim: Translated from fanboy, that's "Her clothes fell off and vanished, lolz".
Max: It's surpising that Fanboy in english sounds like wet dream.
Graham: Eh, six of one...
Without the bows in her hair, it flowed down her back like a chestnut wave.
Max: Author, her hair is NOT CHESTNUT. I know you want to sound poetic and all that shit, but seriously, her hair is NOT CHESTNUT. Poetic is fine, but please, try and be accurate to the original work, too.
Tim: If our author was accurate to the original work, we wouldn't be reading this fic.
Max: Touche.
Tim: Actually, come to think of it, isn't Tifa's Hair closer to chestnut? Maybe not so much in AC, but definitely in Seven and Last Order.
Graham: So, wait... is the author trying to use hair color as a subtle hint that his fic is actually about an elaborate roleplay session by Cloud and Tifa, who's PRETENDING to be Aerith? Because, well, wow. That's DAMN kinky.
And without the rest of it, Cloud got his first good look at a nude female. Nude was the right word, for even now, even when she clearly had her mind on not so pure activities, she still looked like a painting...like an angel. As if her nudity was...artistic.
Tim: Now, author, I'm gonna have to stop you on a technicality here. Aerith's not nude. She's not even naked. "Well, what is she then?", I hear you say. The answer is simple. She's Nekkid. Anytime you have no clothes on, and are intending to get up to shennanigans- not necessarily sexual, but it definitely helps- you are nekkid. Aerith has no clothes on, and now she's getting ready to engage in sexual shennanigans. Hence, Nekkid.
Graham: You're just looking for a reason to repeat the word nekkid at this point, aren't you?
Tim: True, but my point still stands. Nekkid!
Not that she felt particularly artistic. What she felt was a need to be joined with her lover.
Graham: Soon, Cloud, the super glue will set, and we'll never ever be apart, ever again... ehehehehehehehe...
She may have appeared to be a saint,
Tim: Really? WHEN?
Graham: Well, if we count the first saints, y'know, the ones that died from brutal stabbings, then she might qualify.
but faced with the sculpted body of Cloud, which she herself had unveiled, what she felt was a need to be joined with him.
Max: Tim, hit the fanfic! It's skipping!
Tim: No, the author's just needlessly repeating himself.
Max: Then HE'S skipping and you should hit him, then.
She was a little surprised at herself...she didn't think she'd have hormones now that she was a spirit, but that was apparently not the case.
Tim: She doesn't. Her nymphomania is entirely intellectual.
Max: Just like mine!
It didn't feel like the case, either, when she kissed him. Kissing him naked was very inspiring...especially for him.
Tim: It made him want to.... SIIIIIIIIING AND DAAAAAAANCE!
Max: Wait, kissing him naked? As in "smooch, poof goes the pants"? Cuz if it is, I so want that power. I'd be kissing chicks left and right. Y'know. If I had lips.
Tim: For the last time, Max, NO, I will not give you a face with lips.
It wasn't long before she felt something hard poking at her.
Max: It was Cloud's Buster Sword.
Graham: The metal one, if you're curious.
It drew her lips away from his. And she knew what she was going to do to him before she did it.
Graham: It's like a Scientology supwerpower. "Self-action prior awareness."
Especially when she found herself kissing his chest. She could feel the heartbeat he still had beneath his muscles. She somehow knew it'd quicken when she gradually began to sink to her knees in front of him.
Max: Author, how naive are you/ your characters? Because call me slightly cynical, but if you only "somehow" know that a man is going to have an increased heartrate when a woman, nevermind an ectoplasmic one, drops to her knees in front of his wang, then your studies in basic human interaction have been sorely neglected.
It took a bit before it dawned on Cloud what she was going to do to him. Which inspired a "Aerith, you don't have to do..."
Graham: By which I mean don't. Seriously. Stop.
The rest of his statement was cut off when her warm mouth envolped his member.
All: She did what with a fox to his where?
No, she didn't have to do that, she wanted to do that. It rather shocked him that she wanted to do that, but he wasn't about to complain. Especially when, as she did that, she'd look up at him with her emerald eyes.
Max: GAH! Those eyes! THOSE SOULLESS EYES! I TURN AWAY, BUT I CAN STILL SEE THEM LOOKING AT ME!
Cloud was blessed with SOLDIER stamina, but nothing could hold against an assault like that. Not for long. Not when that tongue of hers curled around it, and tickled the sensitive underside of it, and her lips rubbed it as her head bobbed in and out.
Graham: So... Aerith knows advanced blowjob techniques, but only "somehow" knows that giving a guy a blowjob will result in an increased heart rate? The hell?
What was even more odd was that hole in his soul he felt earlier seemed to be becoming filled even more quickly.
Tim: Holy crap, author, your Cloud is shallow. I mean, you do realize that you're saying right here that Cloud's soul is being repaired by getting a blowjob, right? That you've reduced Cloud's entire character arc to a need to get laid?
Trying to make himself pay attention to both sensations at once, he felt himself catch for a moment, then release. He thought she'd pull away, but she did not...swallowing it all down like it was the first thing she'd tasted in years. Because, among other things, it was. But, oh no, she wasn't done with him yet.
Graham: Wait, "because, among other things, it was"? What other things has she been tasting in the past two years?
Tim: Zack and Sephiroth.
Graham: Oh, right. Nevermind. Carry on.
"Now...you're going to have pay me back!" She nudged him in the ribs. It took Cloud a moment to figure it out, but it came to him. Speaking of cumming, she would do that too. Oh yes, she'd do a lot of that.
Tim: I'm sure you think that's clever, author. I'm really sure you do.
Cloud...wasn't sure what to do with her, but she guided his head down to her bared throat. Guided his lips to where her blood would've run hottest, if she still had blood. He wasn't sure what to do with her, so he tried kissing her. That was well received. Then, some primal instinct suggested nibbling on her throat.
Graham: Then he ripped out her Trachea. How or why he did this, I have no idea.
That was even better received. For a spirit, she seemed to be enjoying it all as much as any other woman. Which Cloud found inspirational.
Graham: How many Clouds are there now?
Max: Which one is getting inspired?
Tim: And perhaps most relevant- Are Cloud and Aerith just now inventing sex in its entirety? 'cuz they sound like they've never heard anything about it, ever.
Some instinct he didn't know he had told him he might want to kiss down her collarbone, when his somewhat impatient lover ran her hands through his spikey locks and pushed him down a little more. Face to chest with her. Cloud's first look at a pair of naked breasts up close and personal.
Tim: Technically, no. First coherent look at naked breasts, quite possibly, though I personally doubt it.
And certainly the first time he kissed them. Which is what he found himself doing now. With each kiss, it started to occur to him how precious she was, and that she deserved every kiss he can bestow on her and then some.
Graham: And that she was truly cute, from the inside out,no matter what she wore.
Tim: Why yes, I do think this author, like Michael Rhea, is substituting themself for half of the pairing so they can vicariously be with the fictional character they have a crush on.
Max: pssst... Author. Your virginity is showing. Again.
He teased her with his kisses, after it occurred to him that he should kiss every inch of her bosom. Eventually, though, the primal male instinct in him told him he should kiss one now hardened peak atop her breast, and then take it into his mouth.
Tim: No, I think that's the primal neonatal instinct you're thinking of.
She moaned with satisfaction, and gasped out, "And if you ever mistake me for your mom again, I'm going to smack you."
Graham (Cloud): You say something, mom?
Max: Can I just say that this line completely does not fit the flow of the sex scene so far?
Tim: What? A Cloud/ Aerith shipper completely ignoring context or flow? Say it isn't so!
Suckling on her as he was...he thought there was no fear of that. He swirled his tongue around, stroked her with his lips. Carefully, and then roughly. Before switching sides, and repeating the agonizingly slow...and erotic...process all over again. He had her squirming by this point, and she felt she was more then ready to have him finish her off before finishing the lovemaking process.
All: FINISH HER!
Tim: Say, can one perform a fatality on a ghost?
Her hand pushed downward at his spikey head. Obligingly, he didn't fight her, and found himself being nudged to kiss a trail downwards, downwards from her breasts, past her bellybutton. His breath cought when he realized what she wanted him to do. The logical opposite of her sucking him off.
Max: Noisily blowing into her Kooter?
Tim: Not quite, little buddy. Though it does make for an amusing image.
As if to accentuate that point, she wantonly, and perhaps insistantly spread her legs. Being Cloud, he'd never seen that part of a woman so up close and personal, either. Drawn to it like a moth to a flame, he felt himself moving towards her while she shivered in anticipation.
Graham: Something about that line made me think about replacing Aerith's vagina with a bug zapper.
He kissed her there, and got a moan for his efforts. And she bucked herself in his face, too, prompting him to wrap his arms around her legs to hold her in place. He kissed her there, softly...then again, and harder. His tongue snaked out of his mouth, teasing her outer folds, tasting them. He'd never tasted a woman till now, and the scent was both heady and overwhelming to his senses. His tongue got a little more daring when she started trying to buck him again, and his tongue slid between the outer folds to taste the inner. He ran his tongue along the sensitive pink flesh waiting betwen her folds. His tongue found her entrance, but instead of thrusting it inside, he rimmed it, licking along the outside of her depths without allowing his tongue to slide all the way inside. Another buck convinced him that he should slide it in after all, and so he did, in a slow, corkscrew motion. He thought there'd be a barrier there he couldn't go beyond, but Aerith, though virgin, didn't have such things in her spirit form.
Tim: Well, now, aren't we a Mary Sue.
Max: Wait, she has hormones, physical desire, and physical reaction, everything she had when, physical. Why doesn't she have a hymen?
Tim: Like I said- She's a Mary Sue now.
It just would've caused unnecessary pain later. With his tongue deep inside of her, he was overwhelmed by the scent and taste of her. He never did realize just what it was he was tasting, either.
Tim: Wait, is he talking about her...?
All: Ewwww... Spiritshower...
The Lifestream is normally composed of the thoughts and consciousness of all who've died. But what he was tasting was something like the Lifestream that contained Aerith alone and nobody else. So...in tasting her, he could feel the love she had for him...love he was sure he didn't deserve until feeling it this way made him feel worthy of it.
Graham: So, wait, Cloud is sucking down Aerith's thoughts through her snatch? Strange doesn't even begin to describe you, author.
Still, his tongue explored her a little more thoroughly when she said, "Higher...mmmm...the top..." When he tried to follow her instructions by licking his tongue up the soft pink flesh to the top of her sex, he was rewarded with the discovery of something small and hard, like a pebble. "CLOUD!" His screamed name on her lips told him he came to the right place. His tongue flicked it...and he found she enjoyed it most when his tongue made quick, fast movements. Her body writhed about under this sweet torture until she shuddered, convulsed, and let him have it. Luckily, perhaps, his mouth was open to catch what she offered, and he found himself swallowing it down before he even knew what he'd done.
Tim: Say, when the dead have an orgasm, do you call it a Petit Vitae?
Graham: Uh, what?
Tim: Nevermind. Obscure literary humor.
Graham: Gotcha. So, who else read that pebble line and thought "clitoris materia?"
And that was a shock on its own. Filled with her memories, the most prominent memory it was filled with was that of her own orgasm, and that's exactly the memory he shared with her then. He...had the privilege of experiencing vicariously just how she felt from what he did to her.
Graham: Also, her tenth birthday party.
He vowed he'd do this to her more often, if it made it feel her that good. But before he had a chance to set back to work on her again, he heard another whispered plea. "Make love to me."
Max: Cloud looked over to find an expectant Sephiroth a few feet away in the flowerfield.
Tim (Cloud): Screw you! You had your chance, slut!
For once, Cloud actually knew what to do. Just as well figuring this part out was buried so deep in the male genetic code that not even all Hojo's experiments could shuck it out of him. The oldest, most timeless dance of all, to no rhythym but that of two beating hearts...or a heart and the lifestream's current, in this case.
Tim: Actually, there are a lot of different rythms to the coital act.
Max: I'm fond of Deathmetal Coitus myself.
Tim: And I'm just going to let that one slide.
He pulled himself up her body till they were face to face. He didn't stop to question how simple it was to slide inside of her. He never noticed that the barrier one might expect in a woman just wasn't there to break. All he noticed that another satisfied moan on her part noted to him that she was enjoying herself and he should proceed. And he did. At first, Aerith's appearance, which always looked so much like it needed protecting, made him go slow, but then she started bucking him again. And then he realized she wasn't so fragile after all. And that's when he started abandoning his self control. It was just as well she was a spirit, because as such, she could handle his full passion with no ill effects. And he didn't have to worry about his SOLDIER strength hurting her on accident. And so he gradually built up to what was fitting for himself...even if it would've been very rough for her. But in her current state, she could feed on his passion, take it, make it part of herself, and realize he at long last wasn't holding himself back with her. Every thrust made her squeal, made him grunt. She bucked back at him too, because she wanted him to know that she was moving with him, that she wanted all her could give her. And then they came, the chosen moment at which his body collapsed into release, and her spirit coated him with more of the lifestream varient that made up her orgasms now. She was only sorry she couldn't bear him children as a spirit, or she'd have been hoping for one.
Tim: Gah! Word Diarhea! Paragraphs! Use them!
Max: Wait, you mean despite having hormones- a completely physical substance- as a shinentai, she doesn't have working Ovaries? It does not follow.
He felt like he'd been a little drained...as if he'd given something away. And that's...when it occurred to him he did. He gave himself to her completely. And was that not the stark truth of it. Because she was in spirit form...he wondered...if his spirit was now in her just likes hers was in him. It was more difficult for him to give himself away. It made him vulnerable, even weak. But even vulnerability and weakness could make one strong in the right ways. And...sharing himself...was making him stronger.
Graham: Y'know, the above paragraph is full of words, even sentences. Yet somehow, it's managed to completely avoid, y'know, making any sort of sense. I'm not sure whether to be impressed or dissapointed.
Tim: Either one's good, really.
"I love you." At first he thought she said that, but then he realized he did. He didn't think he'd ever be able to get the words out, even after making love to her.
Max: Especially since he hated her guts and was just using her for the spirit sex.
But they just sort of popped out of his mouth without even having to try to make them do so. And he saw her smile at him. Brightly. He felt her arms wrap around him again. Her eyes sparkled as if she wanted to laugh, cry, or all of the above. "I love you too."
Graham: Ah! Sparkly eyes! Aerith's about to go Mahou Shoujo! Run for cover!
He felt his eyes start to close. He didn't want them too, though, so he fought it with his will. Tried to stay awake...to kiss her, to show his affection. She noticed the effort he was making. Noticed he went out of his way to see to her comfort despite the fact he was tired.
Tim: Two questions: One, how is this going out of his way? No, really? They're connected at the pelvis. He's in the perfect place for it. Two: What is with this "Man falls asleep automatically after sex" cliche? Yes, sex is tiring, I'm not denying that, but holy hell, folks, it's not some magical narcotic! And I speak from the view of a normal human male, nevermind a fucking superhuman!
She let him...let him see to her comfort, even as she lay nude in the flowers. She felt the feeling behind it and wouldn't stop him. She closed her own eyes then, even though as a spirit, sleep wasn't something she needed anymore.
Graham: Oh, she's a spirit? I never would have guessed with you hitting us over the head with that fact every five seconds.
She more did it to let him know it was okay for him to rest. And before 5 minutes more had passed, she noticed his breathing had slowed...and he was entering dreamland. A happy dreamland...because she was there, and his life would be complete that way.
Graham: Actually, Cloud's dreaming of chasing bunnies. He's wierd like that.
Tim: A lackluster end to a lackluster fanfic for a lacklogic ship. Let's scarper, folks.
(Outer Room)
Tim: As always, we shall review the fic itself. Graham?
Graham: Um... Author? It's more honest if you write a self insert fic where you have sex with Aerith. We all know that's really why you wrote this.
Tim: Fair enough. Max?
Max: I've read better Harlequin novels. Seriously, take a Harlequin novel, swap in FF7 character names, and you've got a better written story than than we just sat through. Heaving Bosoms and all.
Graham: You thought it was that bad?
Max: No. I KNOW it was that bad.
Tim: As for me, I've just got to say that even the setup for this fanfic is Out of Character, nevermind the characters. Worse than that, however, was that it was inconsistent. Virginal Cloud and Aerith are somehow still perfect, excellent lovers who know how to do everything perfctly.
Graham: They were probably using a strategy guide.
Tim: I suppose it's silly of me to expect 'realism' in a fic about a man fucking a ghost, but I can't just get rid of my disbelief quite so completely, it seems. When I'm told both parties involved in sex are both virginal and clueless, I expect good ole fashioned akward sex. It's cute. It's endearing. It's honest. Absolutely perfect 'godsex' just don't cut it.
Max: Which is to say nothing of the fic's inconsistency with the characters or narrative of the actual story, right?
Tim: Exactly, little buddy. I mean, we've all seen bad pairing fics before-
Graham: You mean like Rheafics-
Max: Or Moonlight's Lover-
Graham: Or that Ranmagelion fic "A little change of plans"-
Max: Or "Enoby's" little Mary Sue McGoth-
Graham: Or Oscarfics-
Tim: Exactly. And they've all cast off the plot, ignored character's personality's, and basically just used their fanfic as a vehicle for their own desires. Not an interesting story, but their own desires. I suspect most of them, this author included, were simply using the setting to pair their favored character with their decided avatar of the series, or another series, in the case of Ranmagelion. At least Oscar- and you know I'm about to make a serious point by speaking of the boy in a positive light- had the balls to ADMIT that's what he was about. He wrote crap about him having sex with fictional characters, but at least he didn't do it behind the mask of a pre-existing character.
Max: So, you're basically saying that the author was pretending to be Cloud?
Graham: If the author was male, that is. There was a lot of the stereotypical Mary Sue-ism on Aerith's part. I wouldn't be surprised if the Author was jonesing for Cloud.
Tim: I just had a scary but funny thought.
Max: What's that?
Tim: That the Author isn't female, but is taking the role of Aerith.
Graham: That is scary, but yes, strangely funny, too.
Max: Say, shouldn't we do something about getting home, now? Y'know, before Zoom points us in a random direction and hits the go button?
Graham: Too late. We're zipping by solar systems lickety split.
Tim: Shit... I'll go stop the ship and figure out where the hell we are. Graham, Max, you go hunt the little bugger down and punish his ass.
Max: He's still in the cockpit, actually.
Tim: Oh, good. Turn off the signal. This is going to get messy. Zoom! YOU ARE IN DEEP SHIT!
(Signal End)
Graham: Zoom, put down the clutch before I wrap it around your head!
Zoom: No! Pretty stick! AAAAAAAAAGH!
THE END
It didn't feel like the case, either, when she kissed him. Kissing him naked was very inspiring...especially for him.
Send Email to Me at Ryushikaze@Gmail.com
Or Graham at Saiyamantis @ Gmail.com
Or Max at Psycho.Robot.Mutha @ Gmail.corn
Knocked this one out quick. Sometimes, dreck just begs to be snarked. This was such dreck. Thanks to the person who sent me this fic. It was just the muse I needed. Hopefully I can find more low-quality material to work on. Speaking of, if anyone has fics of said variety, feel free to send me some. I don't scour for bad fanfics as often as I used to, and every little bit helps.
Comments appreciated, Flames considered, then derided.
----
C&C can either be here or in emails. Feel free.
Putting up old ones shall resume shortly.
-----
Tim Jewett 04/11/07
Mordancy Sarcasm Theatre 4000
All belongs to whom it belongs to. Also, please don't sue me. Thank you
In the not to Distant Future
(The opening sequence is being molested by a tentacle monster)
Graham: Trust me, you DO NOT want to see this. Even if you LIKE tentacle porn!
Satellite of Lust, that time when you did that thing. You know the one.
(An explosion rocks the Satellite.)
Tim: The hell was that?
Max: I thought it was our 5 O clock explosion.
Tim: No, that one goes more like wooga wooga. This one was more like a Kracka-zwang.
Max: Leaving aside that that makes absolutely no sense, what does it mean?
Graham (walking in): Dammit, the 5 o'clock explosion was late again!
Tim: No, that was a completely irregular explosion. I'm currently trying to figure out what the hell caused it, and for that matter, where we are, since that big browny blue thing out the window is currently missing.
Graham: ... Earth?
Tim: Yeah. That's the one.
Max: Is missing?
Tim: Yep.
Graham: And you're not just looking out the wrong hole, right?
Tim: Nope. Cycled all the external cameras. Not only is Earth missing, but so is the sun and any constellation I consider familiar.
Max: The hell? Where the hell are we, then?
Graham: Please don't say lost in space.
Tim: We're not lost in space.
Graham: Phew.
Tim: We just happen to be in the ass end of space relative to earth.
Graham: Which is different how?
Tim: I know where to point us to get home.
Max: Which makes me worry that there's a great huge "but" about to appear in your next sentence.
Tim: And you'd be right to worry. Our Zwee drive was knocked out in the blast. It was probably what shunted us here, come to think of it. We're gonna have to limp home using our Hyperdrive, and that'll take awhile.
Max: So, what, we're like Voyager in the Delta Quadrant?
Graham: I'd prefer to think of us as Red Dwarf. It means no Neelix, and less "Console a splode."
Tim: Don't worry, I have no plans to pick up annoying aliens with no fashion sense.
Max: What about annoying earth life forms with no fashion sense?
Tim: Well, that's a grey area. I'll allow it, but only if they provide us with a sufficient amount of physical comedy.
Graham: Fair enough. Will we be grabbing any new androids or cyborgs?
Tim: Sure. Provided they're not homidical. Those tend to get old after the thirtieth re-activation.
Max: Those were totally not my fault.
Zoom: Yep! All mine!
Tim: That's not really something you want to admit to, Zoom.
Graham: Since we're like Red Dwarf, are we millions of years from home?
Tim: If we had to obey the laws of physics, yeah. Fortunately, we don't, and as such, we should be home before anyone notices we're missing.
Graham: So, we're stuck in the middle of nowhere, somewhere between months to years from home, and we've got no allies, no way to restock, and no clue what we're doing-
Tim (mutters): It's dark, and we're wearing dark glasses.
Graham: What?
Tim: Nevermind.
Graham: Whatever. Anyways, at least we don't have to worry about Artlu sending us any new bad fanfics for us to MS-
(A hologram of Artlu appears)
Artlu: Hello, victims.
Graham: I should have just kept my mouth shut.
Artlu: I have a fic for you.
Graham: WAIT JUST A MOMENT.
Artlu: What?
Graham: What is this? Why are you HERE? (Tries to hit the hologram), and why can't I hit you?
Artlu: Oh. I installed a Hologram to substitute for myself in the event of my demise or if I was somehow drastically severed from giving you yokels your daily dose of pain.
Tim: So you unloaded your entire personality into the SoL?
Artlu: No no. Nothing so elaborate. Space aboard my device was limited, so I merely gave my evil, my vengeance, and my loathing to my digital copy.
Tim: So you uploaded your entire personality into the SoL?
Artlu: You're a little slow on the uptake today.
Tim: You're about par for the course.
Artlu: Oh, hard-ee-har-har. Your fanfic, "Spirit Lover", a love little fic about some beyond the grave lovin' in a flower field is waiting for you. I suggest you hurry along now and take your pain like good little monkies before I'm forced to take drastic measures. Like cutting off your oxygen.
(No one moves)
Artlu: Don't you care about breathing?
Tim: I hate to tell you this, Artyboy, but you don't control the air up here. We kind of went through and took out all of your trojans months ago.
Artlu: I think I'm evidence to the contrary.
Graham: All the important trojans.
Max: Doesn't he still control the laundry?
Graham: Technically. As much as anyone controls the laundry up here.
Tim: He might also control some of the blinds, and maybe the VCR.
Max: No. I took out the VCR trojan yesterday. It makes your old bootleg pornos way too fuzzy.
Graham: Leaving aside the question of why Max was watching Tim's old pornos, there really isn't anything you can do to get us into that theatre.
Artlu: I can bitch and moan until you go in.
Tim: Y'know, I think he has a valid point this time. However, rather than see it validated, I'll just head inside now and deprive him of the pleasure. (Points at Artlu) I'm still getting paid for this.
(The Door Sequence was lost in the explosion. Only bits and pieces of doors 7, 4, and 3 are still with us. The rest are presumed to be strewn through time and space)
(Graham sits two seats to Tim's left. Max sits two to Tim's right.)
Max: Let's light this fart!
Disclaimer: I don't own it. SquareEnix Does. Nuff said.
Tim: Y'know, I accept that you're trying to cover your ass here, but to be frank, the characters in your fic bear no resemblance to the characters SE owns.
Spirit Lover
Max: Hello, my name is Author, and I'm an alcoholic.
A/N:No necrophilia here. Just very...supernatural lovin'.
All(singing): Baby you know, you're the one for me... And all that I want to be is...
You and me... and ouija, supernatural,
You and me... you're see through, supernatual,
Supernatual lovin' baby, ghost'r banshee...
Set after Calling/Reminscence, while Cloud's bike is stopped in the flowerfield. Submitted in honor of Aerith's February 7th birthday.
Graham: Dammit!
Tim: What?
Graham: Her birthday's the day before mine! Plus I have a friend whose birthday is the day after, and I'm already sharing my day with a webcomic author!
Max: And the problem here is...?
Graham: MY cake! MY presentses! MY birthday! gollum! gollum!
Max: Setting your insane avarice aside, can I just note the strangeness of honoring the dead by writing stories of them having sex from the beyond? Dude... I'm a robot that eats, vomits, and watches porn, and even I think that's strange.
It was a long ride. Why did she have to pick a flowerfield out in the middle of nowhere? Oh, it didn't matter. Because it's out in the middle of nowhere, it seemed most likely that nobody'd ever find them out here.
Graham: Yes. No one must know of Cloud and Barret's forbidden love!
She'd sensed him coming. Had felt through the planet the sound of tires on road, had felt through his soul his approaching presence. He was coming for her. She was content to wait for him with a smile.
Tim: And heels and nothing else?
Graham: Are you still on that kick?
Tim: I will derive amusement from this dreck in some manner or another! So help me!
Cloud parked the bike. And got off. A couple of annoying phonecalls later, he was free. He didn't want to talk to Tifa or Barret. Not now. He had something better to do.
Tim: Take over THE WORLD!
Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he caught sight of something pink...
Max: Pink?
Graham: He's having an affair with Marlene!
All (tune of "Normal View"): Lo-li-con... Lo-li-con... Lo-li-coooooonnn...
Something pink in a field of yellow flowers. He raced off to where he saw it, but found nothing. Feelings of dissapointment were just starting to sneak up on Cloud when a pair of arms grabbed Cloud from behind. One over his right shoulder, the other under his left arm. A chin suddenly rested on his shoulder. Instead of tensing up, however, he felt himself relaxing...his spirit felt...easier. Caught, but he didn't really want to get away.
Graham: Man, Cloud's easy enough as is. Honeybee Inn, anyone?
Max: Does anyone else hear dueling banjos and "you got a purdy mouth" after reading that? Tell me I'm not the only one.
"You cheat." He only got a giggle by way of reply. His head dropped downward, but as soon as it did, she'd snuck her face under his ear and nibbled on his throat. Somehow, she knew just how and where to do so. He didn't think to question it, either. Well, when she was in that kind of mood, there was nothing to be done about it.
Tim: Only the shotgun could talk sense into her now. Fortunately, Cloud had come prepared.
"I'm very proud of you." Cloud heard her voice. Still ethereal. Despite the fact she felt solid enough to him, he could tell this was still her SpiritForm. Sensing the question before it was asked, she added, "You forgave yourself...and you're not running from your friends anymore. And you smiled! I saw that."
Max (Aerith): I also saw what you and Tifa did ten minutes later. She's got a very good hand motion for a novice.
Tim: Wasn't she talking with children when she smiled? Are you making Aerith omniscient, author?
"How did you see? You were walking away."
Graham: Because I'm a Mary Sue in this fic! And Mary Sues can do ANYTHING! We're MAAAAGIIIIC.
"Cloud, don't ask how anymore. Just...accept."
Tim: Nothing in this fic makes any gorram sense. I've accepted it. You should too. The sooner you do, the sooner it's over, and the sooner we're both back in character.
She let him go...and then walked around till she was in front of him. Leaning over the way she did when she was alive, she looked at him with emerald eyes. "No guilt, now. The guilt you leave in your soul creates a barrier I have trouble getting around. So I couldn't really...be with you till now."
Max (Cloud): Then where the hell were you when I felt really fucking good about myself right after kickin Sephiroth's Ass two years ago, huh?
Graham (Aerith): Um.... well, funny you mention Sephiroth's ass...
Cloud's eyes got wide at that. He could've been with her months and years ago if only he'd...he catches himself, realising that feeling guilty about feeling guilty would do something bad to her he doesn't want done.
Graham: The english language has just filed charges against you, author. It's accusing you of abuse. I feel it has a solid case.
Leaning over a little more, she smiles at him. "Nice save." Another giggle at the perplexed look on the man's face. She realized it wouldn't ever be easy for him to ignore his lingering feelings, but she noticed he made an effort for her once he noticed the problem, and fought it. Fought it for her.
Max: Awww, isn't that sweet. He doesn't deliberately do an asshole thing to his dead friend, therefore they must be in love... Isn't it just so sweet?
"Cloud...I want to...meet you..." Her eyes were large, and focused wholly on his.
Tim (Cloud): Yo... Right here.
Max (Aerith): No, I want to MEET you.
Tim (Cloud): Right here in front of you.
Max (Aerith): I mean I want to Hump you, you choco-headed idiot!
Tim (Cloud): Then use words the rest of the universe can understand you beribbon'd ninny! "I want to meet you". What've you been smoking?
Graham: Actually, she did look kinda stoned in Advent Children. Maybe the lifestream is like the world's biggest bong hit. It would explain a lot about FF7, really.
For all that she was 'at one' with the Planet, she still felt vulnerable. Vulnerable and alone with a man in a deserted flowerfield. A man who was not, in the general sense of the word, at peace with his emotions or himself.
Graham: But was, surprisingly, happy with his motorcycle insurance.
Cloud nods, but...once again, the question of 'how?' plasters itself all over his face. How? is still there when she wraps her arms around his neck again...trapping him. Chocobo head can't escape her now! And then, believing no more words were necessary, she kissed him.
Tim: Author. One tense. Pick it. Stay with it. Make it YOURS.
Poor Cloud hadn't been kissed at all before. Let alone kissed in this unnatural way. It was as if the kiss was just some sort of...demonstration for the eye while something far deeper was happening. As if there was a hole in his soul, and it was being filled. Slowly...but it was being filled. He hadn't even realized there was a problem till he felt that presence inside of him. She slipped her tongue in his mouth, which had opened for her without her having to try. That 'hole' inside of himself seemed to be filling more rapidly. He found himself...being filled with her.
Max: Dude... Is Cloud getting buttraped? By a ghost? By AERITH'S ghost?
Tim: That does seem to be the implication, little buddy.
Max: That's... That's.... That's... Kinda funny, now that I think about it.
And then she stopped that kiss...only to cheerfully inform him, "You're wearing too much stuff!" Amd she started to take it off of him. Cloud, somehow, decided to let her. He realized what she had in mind for him.
Tim: It involved crossdressing, bondage, and an etheral donkey. He immediately wondered why he had decided to let Aerith do what she wanted.
If this is what an unnatural union felt like, he'd rather not bother with natural unions.
Graham: The mental scars from this will last him a lifetime. He'd rather not risk collecting more.
What was even better to watch was the way Aerith's clothes would sort of fall off of her like leaves off a tree, then vanish into the flowers despite their red and pink coloring.
Tim: Translated from fanboy, that's "Her clothes fell off and vanished, lolz".
Max: It's surpising that Fanboy in english sounds like wet dream.
Graham: Eh, six of one...
Without the bows in her hair, it flowed down her back like a chestnut wave.
Max: Author, her hair is NOT CHESTNUT. I know you want to sound poetic and all that shit, but seriously, her hair is NOT CHESTNUT. Poetic is fine, but please, try and be accurate to the original work, too.
Tim: If our author was accurate to the original work, we wouldn't be reading this fic.
Max: Touche.
Tim: Actually, come to think of it, isn't Tifa's Hair closer to chestnut? Maybe not so much in AC, but definitely in Seven and Last Order.
Graham: So, wait... is the author trying to use hair color as a subtle hint that his fic is actually about an elaborate roleplay session by Cloud and Tifa, who's PRETENDING to be Aerith? Because, well, wow. That's DAMN kinky.
And without the rest of it, Cloud got his first good look at a nude female. Nude was the right word, for even now, even when she clearly had her mind on not so pure activities, she still looked like a painting...like an angel. As if her nudity was...artistic.
Tim: Now, author, I'm gonna have to stop you on a technicality here. Aerith's not nude. She's not even naked. "Well, what is she then?", I hear you say. The answer is simple. She's Nekkid. Anytime you have no clothes on, and are intending to get up to shennanigans- not necessarily sexual, but it definitely helps- you are nekkid. Aerith has no clothes on, and now she's getting ready to engage in sexual shennanigans. Hence, Nekkid.
Graham: You're just looking for a reason to repeat the word nekkid at this point, aren't you?
Tim: True, but my point still stands. Nekkid!
Not that she felt particularly artistic. What she felt was a need to be joined with her lover.
Graham: Soon, Cloud, the super glue will set, and we'll never ever be apart, ever again... ehehehehehehehe...
She may have appeared to be a saint,
Tim: Really? WHEN?
Graham: Well, if we count the first saints, y'know, the ones that died from brutal stabbings, then she might qualify.
but faced with the sculpted body of Cloud, which she herself had unveiled, what she felt was a need to be joined with him.
Max: Tim, hit the fanfic! It's skipping!
Tim: No, the author's just needlessly repeating himself.
Max: Then HE'S skipping and you should hit him, then.
She was a little surprised at herself...she didn't think she'd have hormones now that she was a spirit, but that was apparently not the case.
Tim: She doesn't. Her nymphomania is entirely intellectual.
Max: Just like mine!
It didn't feel like the case, either, when she kissed him. Kissing him naked was very inspiring...especially for him.
Tim: It made him want to.... SIIIIIIIIING AND DAAAAAAANCE!
Max: Wait, kissing him naked? As in "smooch, poof goes the pants"? Cuz if it is, I so want that power. I'd be kissing chicks left and right. Y'know. If I had lips.
Tim: For the last time, Max, NO, I will not give you a face with lips.
It wasn't long before she felt something hard poking at her.
Max: It was Cloud's Buster Sword.
Graham: The metal one, if you're curious.
It drew her lips away from his. And she knew what she was going to do to him before she did it.
Graham: It's like a Scientology supwerpower. "Self-action prior awareness."
Especially when she found herself kissing his chest. She could feel the heartbeat he still had beneath his muscles. She somehow knew it'd quicken when she gradually began to sink to her knees in front of him.
Max: Author, how naive are you/ your characters? Because call me slightly cynical, but if you only "somehow" know that a man is going to have an increased heartrate when a woman, nevermind an ectoplasmic one, drops to her knees in front of his wang, then your studies in basic human interaction have been sorely neglected.
It took a bit before it dawned on Cloud what she was going to do to him. Which inspired a "Aerith, you don't have to do..."
Graham: By which I mean don't. Seriously. Stop.
The rest of his statement was cut off when her warm mouth envolped his member.
All: She did what with a fox to his where?
No, she didn't have to do that, she wanted to do that. It rather shocked him that she wanted to do that, but he wasn't about to complain. Especially when, as she did that, she'd look up at him with her emerald eyes.
Max: GAH! Those eyes! THOSE SOULLESS EYES! I TURN AWAY, BUT I CAN STILL SEE THEM LOOKING AT ME!
Cloud was blessed with SOLDIER stamina, but nothing could hold against an assault like that. Not for long. Not when that tongue of hers curled around it, and tickled the sensitive underside of it, and her lips rubbed it as her head bobbed in and out.
Graham: So... Aerith knows advanced blowjob techniques, but only "somehow" knows that giving a guy a blowjob will result in an increased heart rate? The hell?
What was even more odd was that hole in his soul he felt earlier seemed to be becoming filled even more quickly.
Tim: Holy crap, author, your Cloud is shallow. I mean, you do realize that you're saying right here that Cloud's soul is being repaired by getting a blowjob, right? That you've reduced Cloud's entire character arc to a need to get laid?
Trying to make himself pay attention to both sensations at once, he felt himself catch for a moment, then release. He thought she'd pull away, but she did not...swallowing it all down like it was the first thing she'd tasted in years. Because, among other things, it was. But, oh no, she wasn't done with him yet.
Graham: Wait, "because, among other things, it was"? What other things has she been tasting in the past two years?
Tim: Zack and Sephiroth.
Graham: Oh, right. Nevermind. Carry on.
"Now...you're going to have pay me back!" She nudged him in the ribs. It took Cloud a moment to figure it out, but it came to him. Speaking of cumming, she would do that too. Oh yes, she'd do a lot of that.
Tim: I'm sure you think that's clever, author. I'm really sure you do.
Cloud...wasn't sure what to do with her, but she guided his head down to her bared throat. Guided his lips to where her blood would've run hottest, if she still had blood. He wasn't sure what to do with her, so he tried kissing her. That was well received. Then, some primal instinct suggested nibbling on her throat.
Graham: Then he ripped out her Trachea. How or why he did this, I have no idea.
That was even better received. For a spirit, she seemed to be enjoying it all as much as any other woman. Which Cloud found inspirational.
Graham: How many Clouds are there now?
Max: Which one is getting inspired?
Tim: And perhaps most relevant- Are Cloud and Aerith just now inventing sex in its entirety? 'cuz they sound like they've never heard anything about it, ever.
Some instinct he didn't know he had told him he might want to kiss down her collarbone, when his somewhat impatient lover ran her hands through his spikey locks and pushed him down a little more. Face to chest with her. Cloud's first look at a pair of naked breasts up close and personal.
Tim: Technically, no. First coherent look at naked breasts, quite possibly, though I personally doubt it.
And certainly the first time he kissed them. Which is what he found himself doing now. With each kiss, it started to occur to him how precious she was, and that she deserved every kiss he can bestow on her and then some.
Graham: And that she was truly cute, from the inside out,no matter what she wore.
Tim: Why yes, I do think this author, like Michael Rhea, is substituting themself for half of the pairing so they can vicariously be with the fictional character they have a crush on.
Max: pssst... Author. Your virginity is showing. Again.
He teased her with his kisses, after it occurred to him that he should kiss every inch of her bosom. Eventually, though, the primal male instinct in him told him he should kiss one now hardened peak atop her breast, and then take it into his mouth.
Tim: No, I think that's the primal neonatal instinct you're thinking of.
She moaned with satisfaction, and gasped out, "And if you ever mistake me for your mom again, I'm going to smack you."
Graham (Cloud): You say something, mom?
Max: Can I just say that this line completely does not fit the flow of the sex scene so far?
Tim: What? A Cloud/ Aerith shipper completely ignoring context or flow? Say it isn't so!
Suckling on her as he was...he thought there was no fear of that. He swirled his tongue around, stroked her with his lips. Carefully, and then roughly. Before switching sides, and repeating the agonizingly slow...and erotic...process all over again. He had her squirming by this point, and she felt she was more then ready to have him finish her off before finishing the lovemaking process.
All: FINISH HER!
Tim: Say, can one perform a fatality on a ghost?
Her hand pushed downward at his spikey head. Obligingly, he didn't fight her, and found himself being nudged to kiss a trail downwards, downwards from her breasts, past her bellybutton. His breath cought when he realized what she wanted him to do. The logical opposite of her sucking him off.
Max: Noisily blowing into her Kooter?
Tim: Not quite, little buddy. Though it does make for an amusing image.
As if to accentuate that point, she wantonly, and perhaps insistantly spread her legs. Being Cloud, he'd never seen that part of a woman so up close and personal, either. Drawn to it like a moth to a flame, he felt himself moving towards her while she shivered in anticipation.
Graham: Something about that line made me think about replacing Aerith's vagina with a bug zapper.
He kissed her there, and got a moan for his efforts. And she bucked herself in his face, too, prompting him to wrap his arms around her legs to hold her in place. He kissed her there, softly...then again, and harder. His tongue snaked out of his mouth, teasing her outer folds, tasting them. He'd never tasted a woman till now, and the scent was both heady and overwhelming to his senses. His tongue got a little more daring when she started trying to buck him again, and his tongue slid between the outer folds to taste the inner. He ran his tongue along the sensitive pink flesh waiting betwen her folds. His tongue found her entrance, but instead of thrusting it inside, he rimmed it, licking along the outside of her depths without allowing his tongue to slide all the way inside. Another buck convinced him that he should slide it in after all, and so he did, in a slow, corkscrew motion. He thought there'd be a barrier there he couldn't go beyond, but Aerith, though virgin, didn't have such things in her spirit form.
Tim: Well, now, aren't we a Mary Sue.
Max: Wait, she has hormones, physical desire, and physical reaction, everything she had when, physical. Why doesn't she have a hymen?
Tim: Like I said- She's a Mary Sue now.
It just would've caused unnecessary pain later. With his tongue deep inside of her, he was overwhelmed by the scent and taste of her. He never did realize just what it was he was tasting, either.
Tim: Wait, is he talking about her...?
All: Ewwww... Spiritshower...
The Lifestream is normally composed of the thoughts and consciousness of all who've died. But what he was tasting was something like the Lifestream that contained Aerith alone and nobody else. So...in tasting her, he could feel the love she had for him...love he was sure he didn't deserve until feeling it this way made him feel worthy of it.
Graham: So, wait, Cloud is sucking down Aerith's thoughts through her snatch? Strange doesn't even begin to describe you, author.
Still, his tongue explored her a little more thoroughly when she said, "Higher...mmmm...the top..." When he tried to follow her instructions by licking his tongue up the soft pink flesh to the top of her sex, he was rewarded with the discovery of something small and hard, like a pebble. "CLOUD!" His screamed name on her lips told him he came to the right place. His tongue flicked it...and he found she enjoyed it most when his tongue made quick, fast movements. Her body writhed about under this sweet torture until she shuddered, convulsed, and let him have it. Luckily, perhaps, his mouth was open to catch what she offered, and he found himself swallowing it down before he even knew what he'd done.
Tim: Say, when the dead have an orgasm, do you call it a Petit Vitae?
Graham: Uh, what?
Tim: Nevermind. Obscure literary humor.
Graham: Gotcha. So, who else read that pebble line and thought "clitoris materia?"
And that was a shock on its own. Filled with her memories, the most prominent memory it was filled with was that of her own orgasm, and that's exactly the memory he shared with her then. He...had the privilege of experiencing vicariously just how she felt from what he did to her.
Graham: Also, her tenth birthday party.
He vowed he'd do this to her more often, if it made it feel her that good. But before he had a chance to set back to work on her again, he heard another whispered plea. "Make love to me."
Max: Cloud looked over to find an expectant Sephiroth a few feet away in the flowerfield.
Tim (Cloud): Screw you! You had your chance, slut!
For once, Cloud actually knew what to do. Just as well figuring this part out was buried so deep in the male genetic code that not even all Hojo's experiments could shuck it out of him. The oldest, most timeless dance of all, to no rhythym but that of two beating hearts...or a heart and the lifestream's current, in this case.
Tim: Actually, there are a lot of different rythms to the coital act.
Max: I'm fond of Deathmetal Coitus myself.
Tim: And I'm just going to let that one slide.
He pulled himself up her body till they were face to face. He didn't stop to question how simple it was to slide inside of her. He never noticed that the barrier one might expect in a woman just wasn't there to break. All he noticed that another satisfied moan on her part noted to him that she was enjoying herself and he should proceed. And he did. At first, Aerith's appearance, which always looked so much like it needed protecting, made him go slow, but then she started bucking him again. And then he realized she wasn't so fragile after all. And that's when he started abandoning his self control. It was just as well she was a spirit, because as such, she could handle his full passion with no ill effects. And he didn't have to worry about his SOLDIER strength hurting her on accident. And so he gradually built up to what was fitting for himself...even if it would've been very rough for her. But in her current state, she could feed on his passion, take it, make it part of herself, and realize he at long last wasn't holding himself back with her. Every thrust made her squeal, made him grunt. She bucked back at him too, because she wanted him to know that she was moving with him, that she wanted all her could give her. And then they came, the chosen moment at which his body collapsed into release, and her spirit coated him with more of the lifestream varient that made up her orgasms now. She was only sorry she couldn't bear him children as a spirit, or she'd have been hoping for one.
Tim: Gah! Word Diarhea! Paragraphs! Use them!
Max: Wait, you mean despite having hormones- a completely physical substance- as a shinentai, she doesn't have working Ovaries? It does not follow.
He felt like he'd been a little drained...as if he'd given something away. And that's...when it occurred to him he did. He gave himself to her completely. And was that not the stark truth of it. Because she was in spirit form...he wondered...if his spirit was now in her just likes hers was in him. It was more difficult for him to give himself away. It made him vulnerable, even weak. But even vulnerability and weakness could make one strong in the right ways. And...sharing himself...was making him stronger.
Graham: Y'know, the above paragraph is full of words, even sentences. Yet somehow, it's managed to completely avoid, y'know, making any sort of sense. I'm not sure whether to be impressed or dissapointed.
Tim: Either one's good, really.
"I love you." At first he thought she said that, but then he realized he did. He didn't think he'd ever be able to get the words out, even after making love to her.
Max: Especially since he hated her guts and was just using her for the spirit sex.
But they just sort of popped out of his mouth without even having to try to make them do so. And he saw her smile at him. Brightly. He felt her arms wrap around him again. Her eyes sparkled as if she wanted to laugh, cry, or all of the above. "I love you too."
Graham: Ah! Sparkly eyes! Aerith's about to go Mahou Shoujo! Run for cover!
He felt his eyes start to close. He didn't want them too, though, so he fought it with his will. Tried to stay awake...to kiss her, to show his affection. She noticed the effort he was making. Noticed he went out of his way to see to her comfort despite the fact he was tired.
Tim: Two questions: One, how is this going out of his way? No, really? They're connected at the pelvis. He's in the perfect place for it. Two: What is with this "Man falls asleep automatically after sex" cliche? Yes, sex is tiring, I'm not denying that, but holy hell, folks, it's not some magical narcotic! And I speak from the view of a normal human male, nevermind a fucking superhuman!
She let him...let him see to her comfort, even as she lay nude in the flowers. She felt the feeling behind it and wouldn't stop him. She closed her own eyes then, even though as a spirit, sleep wasn't something she needed anymore.
Graham: Oh, she's a spirit? I never would have guessed with you hitting us over the head with that fact every five seconds.
She more did it to let him know it was okay for him to rest. And before 5 minutes more had passed, she noticed his breathing had slowed...and he was entering dreamland. A happy dreamland...because she was there, and his life would be complete that way.
Graham: Actually, Cloud's dreaming of chasing bunnies. He's wierd like that.
Tim: A lackluster end to a lackluster fanfic for a lacklogic ship. Let's scarper, folks.
(Outer Room)
Tim: As always, we shall review the fic itself. Graham?
Graham: Um... Author? It's more honest if you write a self insert fic where you have sex with Aerith. We all know that's really why you wrote this.
Tim: Fair enough. Max?
Max: I've read better Harlequin novels. Seriously, take a Harlequin novel, swap in FF7 character names, and you've got a better written story than than we just sat through. Heaving Bosoms and all.
Graham: You thought it was that bad?
Max: No. I KNOW it was that bad.
Tim: As for me, I've just got to say that even the setup for this fanfic is Out of Character, nevermind the characters. Worse than that, however, was that it was inconsistent. Virginal Cloud and Aerith are somehow still perfect, excellent lovers who know how to do everything perfctly.
Graham: They were probably using a strategy guide.
Tim: I suppose it's silly of me to expect 'realism' in a fic about a man fucking a ghost, but I can't just get rid of my disbelief quite so completely, it seems. When I'm told both parties involved in sex are both virginal and clueless, I expect good ole fashioned akward sex. It's cute. It's endearing. It's honest. Absolutely perfect 'godsex' just don't cut it.
Max: Which is to say nothing of the fic's inconsistency with the characters or narrative of the actual story, right?
Tim: Exactly, little buddy. I mean, we've all seen bad pairing fics before-
Graham: You mean like Rheafics-
Max: Or Moonlight's Lover-
Graham: Or that Ranmagelion fic "A little change of plans"-
Max: Or "Enoby's" little Mary Sue McGoth-
Graham: Or Oscarfics-
Tim: Exactly. And they've all cast off the plot, ignored character's personality's, and basically just used their fanfic as a vehicle for their own desires. Not an interesting story, but their own desires. I suspect most of them, this author included, were simply using the setting to pair their favored character with their decided avatar of the series, or another series, in the case of Ranmagelion. At least Oscar- and you know I'm about to make a serious point by speaking of the boy in a positive light- had the balls to ADMIT that's what he was about. He wrote crap about him having sex with fictional characters, but at least he didn't do it behind the mask of a pre-existing character.
Max: So, you're basically saying that the author was pretending to be Cloud?
Graham: If the author was male, that is. There was a lot of the stereotypical Mary Sue-ism on Aerith's part. I wouldn't be surprised if the Author was jonesing for Cloud.
Tim: I just had a scary but funny thought.
Max: What's that?
Tim: That the Author isn't female, but is taking the role of Aerith.
Graham: That is scary, but yes, strangely funny, too.
Max: Say, shouldn't we do something about getting home, now? Y'know, before Zoom points us in a random direction and hits the go button?
Graham: Too late. We're zipping by solar systems lickety split.
Tim: Shit... I'll go stop the ship and figure out where the hell we are. Graham, Max, you go hunt the little bugger down and punish his ass.
Max: He's still in the cockpit, actually.
Tim: Oh, good. Turn off the signal. This is going to get messy. Zoom! YOU ARE IN DEEP SHIT!
(Signal End)
Graham: Zoom, put down the clutch before I wrap it around your head!
Zoom: No! Pretty stick! AAAAAAAAAGH!
THE END
It didn't feel like the case, either, when she kissed him. Kissing him naked was very inspiring...especially for him.
Send Email to Me at Ryushikaze@Gmail.com
Or Graham at Saiyamantis @ Gmail.com
Or Max at Psycho.Robot.Mutha @ Gmail.corn
Knocked this one out quick. Sometimes, dreck just begs to be snarked. This was such dreck. Thanks to the person who sent me this fic. It was just the muse I needed. Hopefully I can find more low-quality material to work on. Speaking of, if anyone has fics of said variety, feel free to send me some. I don't scour for bad fanfics as often as I used to, and every little bit helps.
Comments appreciated, Flames considered, then derided.
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C&C can either be here or in emails. Feel free.