StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Tim Jewett 06/10/01
Mordancy Sarcasm Theatre 4000

All belongs to whom it belongs to. Also, please don't sue me. Thank you

In the not too distant future...
Where reality does not exist.
An evil rich kid named Artlu...
Was starting to get really pissed.

"I send 'fics to him and his friends...
Ones that should really warp their minds. (lalala)
But he's shot every single one down...
And the plan called for nothing of the kind!"

Now keep in mind that Tim can't control...
How his friends act and behave.
And he tries to keep them acting fairly sane...
With the help of a weighted stave.

If you're wondering how he eats and breaths...
And other science facts, (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself, "Don't go there bub!"
and you really should relax...
For... Mordancy Sarcasm Theater 4000! (wohw wohw)

(Satellite of Lust, Sometime or another)
(Tim is busy shooting things, as are Graham and Max)
Tim: Hey! Was that Mark?
Graham: Yeah, he never made his way off the satellite after the special edition.
Max: Well, he just ran into the laundry room. He's doomed!
Graham: Say, does anyone remember what we were shooting at again?
Max: Ummm, no?
Tim: Me either. Oh well, Artlu's been on hold for about a half hour already. Shall we pick up?
Graham: I've got nothin better to do.
Max: Sure. Go ahead.
(Tim Jabs the intercom button)
Tim: Greetings and Salutations Casper!

(Shallow twelve)
Artlu: Hardy, Har har. Invention ready?
Tim: Yup. You go first.
Artlu: Well, first off, I've decided to forgo the Evil inventions. They're just too time consuming to think up. So I'm doing gag stuff like you from now on. My invention this time is based upon the theory of Hyperbolic time. I call it the "Hyperbolic study chamber". It's basically the same thing as Kmai's chamber, but it's portable, and has no tme limit. Perfect for studying for exams.
Graham: But Exams are already over, so your invention is useless.
Atlu: So I have to let it sit around for awhile before making cash off of it. Big whup. Yours?

(SOL)
Tim: My invention this week is designed with Otaku in mind. It's for all you intelligent Anime fanboys, and fangirls, who really can't defend yourselves against the Jocks and cheerleaders. It's the Godboy device! You just plug it to a Keyboard, type in what powers you want, and Viola! You're granted the powers!
Graham: Now, to make sure that this device is only used for evening the score, and not abused, we've given it a few safguards.
Max: One is the fact that it has limited charge, depending on the particular powers used. Someone with, Say, Tim's powers would have access to them for about an hour, while somebody accessing the Scout's powers would be able to use them for Weeks on end without needing a recharge.
Graham: Another nifty safeguard is the fact that you can't use these powers beyond a certain limit. We've set it so that if a potential fatality could come of using a power, the power will shut off to prevent the fatality.
Atlu: And if Oscar tried to put HIS SI powers into the device?
All: SELF DESTRUCT!
Artlu: Lovely... Anyways, here's your expiriment for today. It's a Ranma 1/2 Star trek crossover starring Ryouga. Enjoy
(Klaxons wail, and the three enter the Theatre)

(The door sequence is on vacation. Please bear with us)
Tim sits in the middle two seats two his right, and Graham two to his left.
Max: Let's get it on!

>hassanja@dekalb.DC.PeachNet.EDU (jamal hassan)
>
>Any comments, criticisms, etc. can be emailed to:

Max: Biteme@fucker.edu?

> tdhsu@music.cc.uga.edu (Ted "Ryouga" Hsu)
>
>
>If you really want Ted to get the info fast

Tim: Strap it to a rocket and fire it in the general direction of Ted's house?

>(or at least a synopsis of your message) email me at:
>
> hassanja@dekalb.dc.peachnet.edu (Jamal "Anime^2"Hassan)
>
>Now, onto the story...

Graham: Let's not and say we didn't.

---------------------------------------------------------------

>(The Galaxy Class Starship USS Rumicprise, NCC-1994-A.)

Tim: Riiiiight. If they go to a rumic world, I'm gonna go psychotic.

>(Lt. Ukyou Kuonji is hosting a little poker game in her
>quarters.

Max: So it's liquor up the front and poker in the rear?
Tim: Dibs!

>Her companions this game are Commander Akane Tendo, Lt. Ryouga
>Hibiki, and Dr. Tofu Ono.)
>
>UKYOU: (shuffles cards) The game is five-card stud.

Graham: So it IS poker in the rear!

>First card down, nothing wild. Highcard leads betting.

>(There is a communicator beep and all check. It's Ryouga's.)

Graham: Yes, Star Trek, where they use pagers in the 24th century...

>RYOUGA: (sheepish)

Max: So he's acting like he did in that Sheep fic?
Tim: (Ryouga) LOL! You'd make a great mother Ranma! LOL!

> That's mine. (taps communicator)

Tim: Damn thing's on the blink again!

>Hibiki here.
>
>RANMA VOICE: This is Captain Saotome. Meet me at Transporter Room 3

Tim: Hey! Ranma's estranged voice from "Ranma Kills!" got work in this fanfic!

>We'll be receiving another starship Captain in a few minutes.

Graham: What? And replace Ranma?
Tim: If it's Captain Justy Useki Tylor, I'm staying.

>It's urgent...trust me on this.

Max: Okay, so I lied. I just want to feel important.

>Saotome out.

Max: Of his ever lovin' mind...
Tim: Out of his ever Akane lovin' mind, you mean.

>RYOUGA: Understood. Hibiki out.

Graham: Wait, what was I supposed to do again?

>(Ryouga pushes in his seat as he gets up)

Max: Push, honey, PUSH!

>Got to run..Ranma calls. It's important..got to be to break up
>the poker game now.

Tim: I- have to- practice my- James T.- Kirk imperso- nation.

>AKANE: I'll come with you.
>
>UKYOU: (disgusted) If you two are leaving, I may as well get
>some sleep.

Tim: If they're leaving I might as well get on with the "Poker in the rear".

>TOFU: That maybe good, Ukyou. You've been somewhat edgy
>lately.

All: SOMEWHAT? LATELY?
Graham: If she's gotten any edgier...
Tim: Set spatula on Whu-pass, Lt. Kounji!

>(Akane and Ryouga leave, and they meet Ranma in the
>Transporter Room.)
>
>RYOUGA: What's this all about?

Max: It's about six words long.
Tim: You mean "Too damn long".

>RANMA: All Starfleet said is that is was VERY important.
>
>AKANE: How VERY important?

Graham: Not very VERY important?

>RANMA: When another starship Captain comes, it is so
>important that further briefing is needed. Rule of mission #34.

Tim: (flipping through various manuals) I have nothing here about that... Speaking though of rules of missions, you guys wanna go take the Phoenix and our Gundams on a little battle run against the Trekkers after this fic?
Graham and Max: HAYL YEAH!

>RYOUGA: I hate it when I can't get a straight answer.

Tim: So he hates limp wristed answers?

>RANMA: So do I, but we got to play along.

Graham: Spin the bottle?
Max: Maybe deep throat or Seven Minutes in Heaven?

>(Suddenly the Transporter pad flashes and in a shimmer of
>light, a figure materializes. He is wearing a Captain's
>uniform, but looks at Ryouga in shock. Ryouga looks at him,
>returning the shock.

All: Oi! Again vit da shocking!
Tim: Though if it's shocks they want, I'm happy to oblige (electricity crackles around him)

>Akane and Ranma are shocked

All: Oi! Aga in vit the Again vit da shocking!

>as they notice that the Captain looks like Ryouga..or is it
>the other way around?)

Tim: Yes.
Graham: No.
Max: Maybe.
All: I don't know, can you repeat the question? YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME NOW...

>(Opening notes of title theme as planets glide by Rumicprise)
>
>RANMA VO: Space..the final frontier. These are the voyages of
>the starship RUMICPRISE. Its mission:

Tim: To be a lame ripoff of two tv shows?

>to explore new worlds..to seek out
>new life, and new civilizations..to boldly go where no man..no
>woman...no ONE has gone before!

Max: I'm guessing that last one is us, guys.
Tim: Hell, I'm all three!

>(Title theme as Rumicprise hits warp speed)

Graham: (Warp speed) God damnit! What'd you do that for?

>RUMICTREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
>
>Starring David Bateson as Captain Ranma Saotome

Tim: Couldn't it be Ryu Bateson instead? G. DRAGON!

>Also Starring Carmen Spray as Commander Akane Tendo
>Jeremy Weiss as Dr. Tofu Ono
>James Robertson as Lt. Commander Mousse
>Ai-Cheng as Lt. Commander Akemi Doi

Graham: Who the hell is Akemi Doi?
Tim: Nobody from Ranma... Maybe it's Akemi from Maison Ikkoku.

>Theresa Martin as Counselor Kasumi Tendo
>Evelyn Cheng as Lt. Ukyou Kuonji
>Jessica Spier as Lt. Shampoo Nyuchezzu

All: HUH? NYUCHEZZU?
Tim: Her full name's Xian-Pu, ain't it?

>Ted Hsu as Lt. Ryouga Hibiki

Tim: S...I... KILL KILL KILL!

>
>Based on characters and situations created and suggested by
>Rumiko Takahashi, Gene Roddenbery, and Jeff Yang.

Tim: I just realized, about everyone he's mentioned is a fanfic writer... David Bateson wrote a REALLY messed up fic where Ranma ends up with Shampoo and Ukyo, and Ryouga and Akane get lost in Paris, France. To repeat. IT WAS MESSED!

>Concept Designed by Theodore Hsu and Howard Chan
>Executive Producers T.D. Hsu and H.Y. Chan
>
>(see end list for guest stars)

Graham: So basically, he writes, directs, produces and stars in whatever crap he wants to?
Tim: Huh? Sylvester Stallone?

>(The Captain and Ryouga are still staring as Ranma goes to
>them.)

Max: Hello? We're on camera. WAKE UP ALREADY!

>RANMA: I hate to sound frank, but can you introduce
>yourself, please?

Tim: No, you sound Ranma to me...

>CAPTAIN: I'm sorry. (recovers)

Graham: He used to be an alcoholic.
Tim: Now he's a hack writer.

>I'm Captain Theodore P. Hsu,

Tim: IT IS SI!!! Wait... He's... himself... and Ryouga... Not another evil twin episode!

>commanding officer of the USS Augustus R. Johnson.

Max: What, he commands a Johnson?

>
>RANMA: Captain Ranma Saotome, commanding officer of the USS
>Rumicprise. This is my first officer, Commander Akane Tendo (points
>to Akane)

Tim: (Ranma) As well as my wife and insatiable nymphomaniac...

>and my Security Chief, Lieutenant Ryouga Hibiki (points to Ryouga).

Graham: (Ranma) As well as Akane's pet pig...
Max: (Akane) Ryouga....
Tim: (Simulates sounds of torture and pain)

>HSU: (thinks a bit) Your Security Chief may help Starfleet
>in a mission...can we go to your Ready Room?

All: NO, IT ISN'T READY YET!

>(Rumicprise Ready Room. Both Captains are seated, as are
>Akane, Ryouga, and Ukyou, who has just entered.)

All: The Rheazone! Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo...

>HSU: So you see, Captain Saotome, the Maquis have been getting
>good officers to join them lately, the latest of these being my
>former loyal Security Chief, Lt. Alicia Coolidge. I didn't know
>until too late that she was a Maquis Sympathizer. Before she
>left, she took a datadisc,
>with the record of YOUR Security Chief, Lieutenant Hibiki.

Max: As opposed to MY security Chief, Lieutenant Hibiki.
Tim: At least he ain't head navigations officer...

>RANMA: And you believe Lieutenant Hibiki can infiltrate them.

Tim: No, but we need to fill up a few K of space, so...

>HSU: Yes, I can. His record shows he has participated in
>many anti-Cardassian actions before and during his Starfleet
>commission, the first being the breakout at Kaldoran. This will
>help draw out the Maquis. Any officer with his background would
>fit in with them.

Graham: That sounded like an insult.
Max: OOH! Them's fighting words!

>RYOUGA: (hesitant) Why should I help you? It seems that
>when the Maquis sign up an officer, they will absorb him with no
>problem. Cal Hudson and Ro Lauren are two prime examples of that.

Tim: So they were only divisible by one and themselves?
Graham and Max: Groan...

>HSU: The Maquis will stop at nothing to end the calm between
>Cardassia and the Federation. Even when splinter groups of both play
>dirty, the Maquis must not succeed or there will be war between the
>Federation and Cardassia! I've seen enough action in Starfleet to
>know I don't want a repeat of history. After Kaldoran, Lt. Hibiki,
>I'm sure you don't want it either.
>
>RYOUGA: (concerned) You have a point. When do I leave?

Max: (Apatheic) More importantly, when do WE leave?

>HSU: As soon as you select a partner for this mission.

Graham: And as soon as we give you wrong directions so you actually get there for once...

>AKANE: (puzzled) You seem scared, Ryouga...what is Kaldoran?

All: Daddy, what's a frontal Lobotomy?

>RYOUGA: (sadly) Kaldoran was a Cardassian prison I found myself
>in when we first came here, long ago.. I nearly didn't make it
>out of thereafter arranging an escape for Federation POWs.

>AKANE: (interested) Why?

Tim: (Disinterested) Are we reading this?

>RYOUGA: The Cardassians had a more powerful Transporter..and
>an unknown power flux through the escape ship enabled my fellow
>prisoners to beam me aboard, letting us escape. (Looks to Ukyou) Lt.
>Kuonji?
>
>UKYOU: Yes, Lieutenant Hibiki?

Max: Would you start calling me by my first goddamn name!

>RYOUGA: Like to join me on a hunting trip?
>
>UKYOU: What are you looking to bag?

Graham: The author?
Tim: No, Trekkies.
Max: I'M IN!

>RYOUGA: Some Maquis now in season.

Max: De Sade?
Tim: That's Marquis, little buddy.

>(A Cardassian Battlecruiser on whose outside is painted the
>word, in both Japanese and English, "IKAZUCHI."

Graham: All who believe Alien civilizations would use Japanese on their own damn ships raise your hands! (Cricket chirp)
All: Thought so.

>(Inside the Captain's Quarters. An attractive woman hands a
>seated man a datadisc.

Max: Then proceeds to put that hand to another use.
Tim: We'll let you decide what the other use was.

>Though seated away, this man eagerly pops it in, showing
>how eager he was to get this.)

Tim: Okay... Hold it... Yes! This is a Thinkarian level incomprehensibility!

>WOMAN: (anxious) I hope you have the fee you agreed to pay
>me. It cost me much to obtain this information.

Graham: Twenty six bucks, big whup.

>MAN: (understanding) Oh, I do..Alicia.

Max: Silverstone?

>(Cut to case being shown to the woman. It is opened to
>reveal ten ingots of gold-pressed latinum.

Tim: What the hell is gold-pressed Latinum?

>A small sack is tossed into the case as well and Alicia opens it.

Max: Inside is the head of an EXTREMLY tiny horse.

>(Inside are some precious stones.)

Graham: And Whose stones are they?

>MAN: Those jewels are a little bonus...and retainer fee.

Tim: Yeah, orthodontists charge an arm and a leg...

>How would you like to join the Maquis, serving with me?
>
>ALICIA: I don't know..there doesn't seem to be much of a life for me
>with the Federation now.
>(As the Man speaks, pan up.)

Graham: (looking around) Any clue who the hell that was directed at?

>MAN: Take all the time you need. But do consider that once
>you join, you're in for the ride. (The face is revealed to be that
>of..Ryouga Hibiki..or is it? He seems suave, cunning..and more
>dangerous.)

Max: A suave and cunning Ryouga? And Ranma's gonna marry Kuno!

>EVIL RYOUGA: After all, there's not a lot left now to lose. Kaldoran
>taught me that.

Tim: It also taught me my ABC's but that's another story.

>(On board the shuttlecraft GENMA. Ryouga is in dark marine

All: GENMA? GROAN!
Tim: What's it run on? Food?

>fatigues, his headband around his head and belt-sword around his
>pants. He is equipped with a knife and a phaser (Mark II). Ukyou
>is similarly dressed and equipped, with her boots ready with four
>spatulas.)

Graham: Could anyone ask for a more seamed transition from Ranma 1/2 to Star Trek?
Max: If they do, they ain't gonna get it, and they are gonna get hurt.

>RYOUGA: (to ship comm) GENMA to Rumicprise.
>RANMA VO: Rumicprise here, GENMA.

Tim: (Ryouga) Hey!, How dare you compare me to your father, Ranma!

>RYOUGA: This was where Lieutenant Coolidge was taken, right?
>RANMA VO: According to Captain Hsu's records.
>RYOUGA: Got it. Keep tracking us. GENMA out. (switches off comm)
>Let's see what we can find here..computer?

Graham: If they can't find a computer in a shuttle, I'm screaming...

>COMPUTER VO: Awaiting request.
>RYOUGA: Scan for trail, possibly ion traces that could not
>belong to Galaxy class Starship.

Max: Processing request... Bite me.

>COMPUTER VO: Scanning..trail found, leading to Seiya Santis

Tim: Aww... Can't it be SAIYIN Santis?

>4 sector.
>RYOUGA: Record coordinates and transmit to Rumicprise.
>UKYOU: Why no Galaxy class starship?

Max: Cuz we don't have the budget! Deal with it!

>RYOUGA: It took Lieutenant Coolidge quickly, and made a quick
>run from here, thus it had to be a small craft with Transporter
>ability.

Tim: An X-wing. Or the Millineum Falcon. Either way, STAR WARS ROCKS ASS OVER STAR TREK!

>UKYOU: So which do you think..shuttlecraft or runabout?

Graham: Willy nilly?

>RYOUGA: Either one is possible...when the coordinates are recorded,
>let's log in course and find out.
>COMPUTER VO: Coordinates recorded and transmitted to
>Rumicprise.
>UKYOU: Course logged in.
>RYOUGA: That trail could die out at any time...

Tim: As opposed to my interest which is LOOOONG dead.

>..engage!

Tim: The central theme of Ranma 1/2, folks...

>(In the EVIL RYOUGA's chamber, we see there is a bit of
>lavishness here as there are gems, precious metals and weapons here.
>EVIL RYOUGA sits at a console and plays the datadisc.)

Max: Castlevania Symphony of the Night?

>EVIL RYOUGA: Now to find out about my "good twin"..

Graham: Is he a good twin, or a bad twin?

>(Tapping in a few commands, EVIL RYOUGA finds out about the life of
>RYOUGA, bit by bit.)
>EVIL RYOUGA: (reads) Interesting..

Max: What have you been smoking and where can I get some?

>(suddenly angry) Kaldoran?!? He escaped? That's impossible..
>I'M Ryouga Hibiki and I DIDN'T escape! There will be a reckoning
>when I find him..this galaxy may not be big enough for TWO Ryouga
>Hibikis.

Tim: Is it even big enough for ONE?

>(On board the GENMA, the shuttlecraft is buffeted by phaser
>fire.

Tim: And as we all know, Pandas don't take phaser fire very well.

>Suddenly, two armed guards beam over into the back of the craft.)
>GUARD 1: Freeze!

Max: Okay, Liqiud Nitrogen at the ready...

>GUARD 2: Turn around and grab sky..

Tim: May I grab something else? Ukyo's in the room, after all...

>...Maquis, Federation scum!
>(Ryouga and Ukyou turn around..and the guards gape as they
>see Ryouga.)
>GUARD 1: Captain Hibiki!
>GUARD 2: What are you doing here?
>RYOUGA: (thinking) What are they talking about? I'd better
>act quick. (defensively) Covert actions! My cover might be blown
>thanks to you two sorry no-account excuses for Maquis!

Tim: So they can't pass checks?

>GUARD 1: I'm sorry about that, SIR!
>GUARD 2: But who is that with you?
>RYOUGA: (angry) New recruit!
>UKYOU: (plays long) Ukyou Kuonji!

Graham: (Plays dead) Vlad Tepes!

>RYOUGA: (still angry) Take me back to base, quickly!
>GUARDS: (surprised) But can't you fly?

All: Just think happy thoughts!

>RYOUGA: (furious) Peter Pan could fly, Superman could fly,

Graham: But Ironically, the fly could not.

>but your potshots at my shuttlecraft wrecked it! Take me back and
>that's an order!
>GUARDS: (snap to attention) YES SIR!
>RYOUGA: (exasperated) It's SO hard to get good help these
>days..

Max: Especially live in maids. You know how hard it is to find one of them?

>GUARD 1: (taps communicator) Ikazuchi..four to beam up.
>(Ryouga, Ukyou and the Guards are beamed up into the
>Cardassian Transporter room of the IKAZUCHI. "Pirate Ship" is the
>air around the ship, and the room looks like it fits in.)

All: Well, Yo, ho-ho, and a bottle of rum...

>RYOUGA: Ukyou, we're not in Kansas anymore...

Tim: Has Ukyo ever been in Kansas? Ryouga I wouldn't doubt...

>(Suddenly, Ukyou and Ryouga are surrounded by two encircling
>force fields!) UKYOU: What the--?
>RYOUGA: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
>EVIL RYOUGA VO: THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!

Tim: Join the club, buddy!

>(EVIL RYOUGA himself enters, armed with phaser. Four other
>guards accompany him also armed with phasers.)

Graham: Did I mention? They had phasers.

>EVIL RYOUGA: You four, take her (pointing to Ukyou) to a cell!
>You two take him (pointing to Ryouga) with me!

Tim: (Eye twitching) This had better not turn into a lemon...

>(The force fields drop, and Ukyou looks at Ryouga, who shakes his
>head..

Graham: Since they weren't killed, giving this fic a quick and easy end.

>the odds don't look good, so she goes meekly with the guards, who
>have phasers locked on her. Ryouga is hustled out to another end
>of the ship, followed by the Evil Ryouga.)

Tim: Meekly and Anyone from Ranma just doesn't mesh, comprende?

>[Commercial]
>(A basketball court. There is a toaster with an Eggo
>waffle.)
>Announcer VO: When it comes to Eggo waffles..
>(Ranma comes out, dressed in basketball warm-ups)
>Announcer VO:..no one likes them better than Ranma Saotome.
>(Ryouga comes out, dressed in bandanna and basketball warm-ups)
>Announcer VO: Except maybe his longtime rival, Ryouga Hibiki.
>(Chibi Usa, in little referee's uniform and whistle, motions both
>towards the toaster, which is on a table in the center of the
>court.) (Close on Ranma)
>Announcer VO: Ranma knows..
>(Ryouga in kitchen, eating Eggo waffles)
>Announcer VO: Ryouga loves that golden Eggo crispness.
>Announcer VO: (cut to Ryouga) Ryouga knows..

Max: That the world is a dark and lonely place...

>(Ranma in kitchen, eating Eggo waffles)
>Announcer VO: Ranma loves that delicious Eggo taste.
>(Ranma and Ryouga crouch, ready to jump for the Eggo waffle)
>Announcer VO: Only thing they DIDN'T know was..

Tim: That the audience was armed with high powered ballistic weaponry.

>(Ranma and Ryouga jump for it, but Chibi Usa gets it and
>puts in on a plate..see a little footage of the boys in flight)
>Announcer VO: ..how much Chibi Usa loves 'em!
>(Ranma and Ryouga are in flight..then drop down)
>Ranma and Ryouga: HEY! LEGGO MY EGGO!
>(cut to shot of waffles, box and toaster)
>Announcer VO: Eggo waffles. The part of this breakfast
>that's just TOO good to leggo! (Ranma and Ryouga touch the ground,
>while Chibi Usa happily eats her

Graham: Tim, Don't you DARE make an Elektra complex joke!
Tim: Well, she DOES have one!

>Eggo waffle. She points at each of them with her fork)
>Chibi Usa: You looking for this? (smiles as she eats)
>(Ranma and Ryouga look at her, at each other and laugh at all this.)

Tim: Then turn back to Chibi-Usa and brutally rip her to shreds.

>[Commercial End]

All: YIPPEEE!
Max: Wait, Commercial end. There's still more!

>(Ryouga is at the Evil Ryouga's chambers. The Guards are
>still present, their phasers ready. Evil Ryouga sits at desk.)
>EVIL RYOUGA: My story is a rough and sad one..like a seat? (Ryouga
>is shoved down into a seat by the guards, facing Evil Ryouga.)

>RYOUGA: (thinking) I'd better not look too eager before I
>hear him out..(snaps back) So how does your story read..hardcover
>or paperback?

All: (groaning at the bad joke)

>EVIL RYOUGA: It reads like this..do you remember..Kaldoran,
>Lieutenant?

Graham: No, I'm only deeply emotioanlly scarred because of it, OF COURSE I don't remember it!

>RYOUGA: (surprised) Kaldoran?!?

Max: No, Disneyland! Pay attention!

>EVIL RYOUGA: I tried to escape from there once but was
>caught in a Cardassian Transporter beam. I didn't make it out then.
>RYOUGA: Well, I DO remember Kaldoran, and I DID make it out
>thanks to a power flux.

Graham: So, na na na na na na!

>EVIL RYOUGA: So it seems..that power flux gave your escape ship
>enough power to pull YOU out while leaving ME behind!
>RYOUGA: (angry) Get to the point, then..

Tim: (Angry) Get to the end, then...

>EVIL RYOUGA: It now seems there are TWO Ryouga Hibikis, one
>a Maquis pirate, the other a Starfleet officer.
>RYOUGA: So what made you a pirate?

Max: Well, this odd looking fellow with one hand and a fear of crocodiles took me under his wing...

>EVIL RYOUGA: Now this is where the "sad" part of my story comes in..

Graham: I wound up in this lame excuse for an evil twin fanfic! How's THAT for sad?

>after being recaptured, I saw the escape ship jet off..and I was
>left behind. I was cruelly tortured by the Cardassians, and used
>what didn't kill me to make me stronger as a pit fighter. I hoped
>to win a valuable prize..freedom!

Tim: I only got the plush piglet, though.

>When that didn't happen, I used my powers and abilities
>to break out, this time stealing a shuttle belonging to a
>Cardassian pirate. Then I single-handedly took a Ferengi ship
>with a sneak attack. This launched my career as pirate and
>mercenary. Cardassians, Ferengi, Romulans..even hostile Federation
>vessels. If I could defeat them, I could get rich and so could my
>crew. Latinum, credits, gems, precious metals, hardware, plundered

Tim: Again, what the hell is LATINUM?

>cargo and even other ships.. if I could use it, trade it or sell
>it, so much the better.

Max: If I couldn't, I was suddenly down a few crew members.

>I got a small fleet going and then became known as the "Dark
>Wolf." (smiles) The Maquis signed me up when they found out how much
>havoc I gave Cardassia. In return for a portion of the proceeds,
>they gave me whatever help I needed, be it crew, supplies,
>information, and technology. (darkens voice) Since then I have
>struck again and again, taking Cardassian plunder and ships to rain
>terror and pain. (darkly) When I escaped Kaldoran, I vowed the
>Cardassians would pay dearly for what they did to me..(smiles
>darkly)..and now I'm getting my just rewards with interest!

Graham: First national bank of revenge. GREAT interest rates.

>(low) Vengeance is indeed sweet when served cold..

Tim: Especially with ice cream!
Max: But is the wrath of heaven slow but sure?

>and with Cardassians, the colder the sweeter! HA HA HA HA HA
>HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
>(Ryouga is amazed at the Evil Ryouga's story..could it be
>for real? For that matter, could it be possible?)

Tim: No... but we're reading a story about it anyways.

>RYOUGA: (outraged) Under NO circumstances could I see that as a
>justification for what you did!

Max: Could I?

>Attacking one group or splinter groups of a species for pain they
>caused is one thing..

Graham: Well, actually it's three or four, but you know what I mean!

>inflicting vengeance on a whole species and other innocents is
>quite another! (low) Do you know what your Maquis standing is
>doing to the galaxy?

Tim: It's lowering property values!

>EVIL RYOUGA: (low, building)

Max: Just a question. What's he building?
Graham: Interest, remember?

>It means we are doing what the Federation should have done..kick
>the butt of Cardassia! As for splinter groups, there's an old
>saying: "If the splinters are too much for you, then get rid of
>the log!"

Tim: There's another saying. If you hate the story, axe the author. Just thought you should know.

>RYOUGA: (serious) Do you know that you are leading actions
>leading to the deaths of innocents?

Tim: (Evil Ryouga) Really? Well that changes everything! If you'll excuse me, I'll just be offing myself now...

>EVIL RYOUGA: (angry but cool) Innocents die all the time!
>RYOUGA: (angry but cool)

Max: I take it the AC was on?

>But THESE innocents could have been spared! If the Maquis continue
>their operations, there would be all-out war between Cardassia and
>the Federation! Many will die as victims..of an unwanted war! The
>last time there was war many DID die..do you want to be blamed for
>causing more deaths by starting war?
>
>EVIL RYOUGA: (angry, slams fist down on desk) ENOUGH! GUARDS!!

All: FINISH HIM!

>(Two more guards appear by Ryouga as a door opens, their phasers
>ready to fire as they lock on Ryouga.)
>EVIL RYOUGA: Take him to his girl friend..and set course for the
>Maquis base, warp 4! If you need to, SHOOT TO KILL! (Ryouga
>is led out by the Guards.)

Graham: Ukyo and Ryouga? Did I miss something?
Max: No more than the rest of us...

>EVIL RYOUGA: Communications, let me talk to Ro Lauren and
>Cal Hudson, immediately!
>INTERCOM VOICE: Is that a good idea, sir?
>EVIL RYOUGA: (infuriated) Are you questioning me?!?

Tim: YOU BET YOUR SORRY ASS I AM! MOVING ME TO POSITION DELTA WAY BACK IN MST4K EPISODE THREE!
Graham: My ear just ruptured again...
Max: Nice Soldier 2 reference!

>INTERCOM VOICE: NO SIR!
>
>(Ryouga is in a brig cell with Ukyou, sitting across from
>her. A force field is up in front of them.)

Tim: So we don't get a lemon scene? Awww...

>RYOUGA: (concerned) You holding up okay, Ucchan?

Max: NO! I'M GOING INSANE! END MY LIFE NOW!!!!
Tim: He was asking about Ukyo, Max.

>UKYOU: (cynically) If being held by a maniacal Maquis who happens to
>look like your boyfriend is okay, then yeah, I'm fine!

Graham: (Ryouga) Okay, just checking

>RYOUGA: (concerned and tenderly) I'm sorry Ucchan, I didn't
>know how much you hurt.. I'm still shocked at seeing another me,
>too.

Tim: I'm shocked that this is titled as a Ranma 1/2 fanfic. Everyone's been OOC since the damn thing started.

>UKYOU: (softly and sadly) Ryo-kun..(wraps her arms around his neck
>as she lays her head down on his shoulders. Ryouga puts an arm
>around her as his other hand brushes her hair slightly.)

Graham: Did they kiss deeply but passionately?
Max: Well, we HAVE established that Ukyo's still in the Rheazone...
All: Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo...

>(The Evil Ryouga is in his quarters. Suddenly, the
>vidscreen beeps, followed by the communicator.)
>VOICE: Cal Hudson and Ro Lauren calling, Captain.
>EVIL RYOUGA: Put them on.

Tim: Okay, should I tell them their shoes are untied or tell them I can't come into work today because my kitchen just exploded?

>(Screen blips on, with the faces of Cal Hudson and Ro Lauren
>present.)
>HUDSON: Greetings, Captain Hibiki.
>EVIL RYOUGA: Greetings, sir. Sorry to call on such short
>notice.
>LAUREN: It had to be important or you wouldn't have called.
>What's going on there?

Max: Our fridge is running and we had best go catch it. Just thought I should let you know...

>EVIL RYOUGA: I have the datadisc on the officer to
>impersonate, Lieutenant Ryouga Hibiki. The real lieutenant is also
>in my brig after trying to break my loyalty with psychology. He
>didn't succeed. We're on our way to see if he is who he is, then
>proceed with the plan.

Tim: You call what Ryouga used "Psychology"?
Graham: How do they know HE isn't the other Ryouga?

>We'll be at the base soon.
>HUDSON: Good. Hudson out.
>(Cut to Maquis base. Ro Lauren and Cal Hudson just finished the
>transmission.)
>LAUREN: What can we do about this?
>HUDSON: Obviously "Lieutenant Hibiki" was trying to use cold logic
>to get our Captain Hibiki to chicken out.

Tim: You call it LOGIC, too?

>How successful he was remains to be seen, but I wouldn't
>trust either one. When the time comes we must eliminate both of
>them..for the good of the Maquis of course.
>LAUREN: (nods) But how can it be done when there's not a problem?
>We go ahead too soon, and the other Hibiki will convince out Hibiki
>for sure!

Graham: But which Hibiki is which?

>HUDSON: The Arena will determine that..if it seems too
>slack, we will fire phasers into the ring..set to kill them both!
>Better to eliminate two chumps with one shot that way.

Tim: Wise man once say, "Fuck phaser, use Buster gun instead".

>(Maquis base, the IKAZUCHI has docked.)
>(The Transporter Room receives the Evil Ryouga, Alicia, and
>Starfleet captives Ryouga and Ukyou. Cal Hudson, Ro Lauren, and
>four security guards are there.
>RYOUGA: (to himself, shocked when he recognizes the non-guard
>Maquis) Cal Hudson..Ro Lauren!

Graham: I'm guessing we'd have to be trekkies to know who they were, correct?
Max: Yep. Therefore, we'll never know!

>HUDSON: Welcome home, Dark Wolf.

Tim: What about the Dark Horse? I mean, they were riding on Genma weren't they?

>EVIL RYOUGA: Thank you, sir. (Motions to Alicia) This is a potential
>new candidate to the Maquis cause.
>ALICIA: Sir. (Salutes)

Max: (Salutes the bird)

>HUDSON: (smiles) At ease. (To Evil Ryouga) She's got spirit and
>respect.

Graham: (Alicia) Oh, bite me.

>She'll do well. (Sees Ryouga and is astonished) If I didn't see it
>with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it! (Blinks as he notices
>that the two Hibikis are exact duplicates of each other) No wonder
>you said you said you can impersonate him.

Tim: But can he juggle?

>EVIL RYOUGA: I want to check if we WERE the same..to ensure no
>discrepancies between us.
>LAUREN: These guards will aid you. Guards, take them to Sick Bay
>for DNA analysis. (Ryouga and Ukyou are hustled out by the guards.)

Max: Hey, doesn't Hustler magazine do sex spreads a lot?
Tim: Don't go there Max. Not while the cameras are rolling anyways...

>RYOUGA: (yelling as parting shot) Jean-Luc Picard and Benjamin Sisko
>would PUKE if they found out what you two were doing!

Graham: As oposed to actuallly DOING something about it.

>EVIL RYOUGA: I'd better go along to make sure they don't
>escape. Come, Alicia, and I'll show you around. (Ryouga and Ukyou
>exit surrounded by the guards, with Evil Ryouga and Alicia
>following.)
>HUDSON: (glowering under his anger) How DARE he yell Sisko's name
>like that in my presence!
>LAUREN: (also steamed) And how dare he yell Picard's name in mine!
>Joining the Maquis was not easy to do, especially when it meant
>going against Jean-Luc Picard, (sadly) who was like a father
>to me!

Tim: (Asleep)
Max: Hey, Tim, wake up!
Tim: Oh, these badly written emotional scenes always do that to me...

>HUDSON: Nor me, either. It wasn't easy going against an old
>friend like Ben Sisko.
>LAUREN: What did it get us? A job to beat Cardassians at the cost
>of those who placed the greatest faith in us.
>HUDSON: The job was dangerous when you were initiated..but now I
>know that "Lieutenant Hibiki" MUST be eliminated, and Captain
>Hibiki as well to prevent any double-cross on his part.
>LAUREN: Can't we just slip in our Hibiki for theirs?
>HUDSON: We don't know just how close their Hibiki came to causing
>ours to change sides. We can't chance failure now! We may have to
>kill BOTH of them!

Max: Can I do it?
Graham: He means the Ryougas, not the authors.

>LAUREN: This may cause divisions in the Maquis..a lot of others
>think we can pull something out.
>HUDSON: We'll let the Arena settle this..once we're sure that the
>Federation Hibiki is the one we want eliminated!
>
>
>(Maquis Medical Ward 2. Ryouga is connected to one end of an
>analyzing device, with the Evil Ryouga connected to the other end.)
>
>MEDICAL OFFICER: Computer! Genetic Analysis of subjects. Query One,
>is Subject One real Lieutenant Ryouga Hibiki, and Query Two, are both
>Subjects identical?
>COMPUTER VOICE: Working on Query One. Findings: DNA analysis of
>Subject in question identical to that of Federation Lieutenant Ryouga
>Hibiki. Conclusion: Subject IS Lieutenant Ryouga Hibiki. Working on
>Query Two. Findings: Both Subjects have identical DNA structures.
>Conclusion: Both are identical.

Tim: I find that as probable as I do this plot plausible. Even Identical twins and clones have genetic irregularites.

>MEDICAL OFFICER: Record findings and switch off.
>EVIL RYOUGA: Well, "brother," it's a shame Dad never found
>out he had twins.

Graham: Yeah, then he'd have to pay TWICE as much for child support.
Max: I think it'd be funny if the Mom never knew...

>RYOUGA: Then "brother," it's seems like you're the "black wolf" of
>the family. It's good Dad's not here to see it..he wouldn't have
>liked it.
>
>EVIL RYOUGA: Let's let the Arena settle that, shall we?

Max: Why not Rock, Paper, Scissors?

>RYOUGA: (startled) Arena?
>EVIL RYOUGA: I'm sure you remember the pit fights you suffered
>before the transporter incident on Kaldoran made us who we turned
>out to be..
>(EVIL RYOUGA smiles a bit) Now's a time to relieve those memories.
>RYOUGA: (to himself) Oh boy..
>EVIL RYOUGA: (Clint-like) Do ya feel lucky, punk?
>(beat) Well, do ya?
>RYOUGA: (Clint-like) Man's gotta know his limitations..

All: (Staring)
Tim: All who believe a Japanese man from roughly four hundred years into the future would be quoting modern day American movies?
(Cricket)
All: Thought so.

>(On board the Rumicprise bridge.)
>RANMA: Akemi, have you locked onto the coordinates of the
>shuttlecraft GENMA's last heading?

Max: No, she's playing Pong.

>AKEMI: Yes, Captain..they were for the Seiya Santis 4 sector.
>RANMA: Get us there posthaste, Akemi..Warp 9!
>KASUMI: I can sense you really seem nervous about this, Ranma.

Tim: (Ranma) Yeah, Ryouga owes me twenty bucks!

>RANMA: I am. I'm not quite sure how you sensed that, though.
>AKEMI: You must really care about Ryouga, Captain.
>KASUMI: You are a lot more nervous ever since Captain Hsu left.
>AKANE: And even more since Ryouga and Shampoo left, too.

All: SHAMPOO?
Max: What has the author been smoking and where can I get some?
Tim: This plot just got sucked into a singularity...

>RANMA: They're a part of my past..like you three and the rest of the
>bridge crew. You three, Mousse, Shampoo, Tofu-sensei, Emiko
>and even Tsubasa are like Ryouga and Ucchan..parts of me that help
>and all of us remember where..(pause) and when we came from. (pause)
>You're a part of my roots now, just like I'm a part of yours.

Tim: Hm... Okay... that suggests that the Gang got chucked here from their time... Hooboy, is THAT a lame plot contrievance for a Ranma/Trek cross...

>KASUMI: I never know you thought that profoundly, Ranma.
>AKANE: Nor I.

Graham: Sometimes... I wear mittens...

>RANMA: Guess that's what working under Captain Picard can do for
>you. I had one of his courses in leadership and integrity when I
>got my rank as ensign. (pause) That was one class that taught me to
>have patience with life and crew..and the responsibility and
>authority that comes with both of them.
>AKANE: That's heavy.

Tim: That clinches it!
Graham: Clinches what, exactly?
Tim: I now have an airtight case that the Author was NOT writing a Ranma story. Nobody's changed, nobody's been smacked, there hasn't been a single fight scene yet, everyone's at least slightly OOC, and Ranma hasn't gotten in trouble because of his mouth ONCE yet! AND IT'S NOT A LEMON, which would EXPLAIN a few of those things!

>KASUMI: Guess you cared more about Ryouga than we thought.
>RANMA: He's been around whenever there was a mission to save Akane,
>Kasumi..whenever I needed people to go with me, he'd be among the
>first to join. His loyalty was even more amazing..now that we're
>all in this time and part of the universe, he now has a cause and
>friends to fight for. I'm not sure how far he'd develop given the
>chance..or all of you, for that matter. Once he does, though, I'd
>like to see it.

Tim: I don't need any more evidence, My case is solid enough, thank you.

>KASUMI: So would all of us.
>RANMA: I just hope that I can see it..
>AKANE: Same here.
>AKEMI: Me too.

Max: If they have a run in with a race of horned Aliens, I'm screaming...
Graham: If they have a run-in with THE Aliens, I'm rejoicing.

>(The Arena of the Maquis Base. It looks like a gladiator arena,
>with rock and stone floors, with steel and metal walls. It seems to
>have been recently used as there is still some blood on the floor.

Tim: Not to mention the fresh corpses lying everywhere.

>In one heavily protected box is Ro Lauren and Cal Hudson. In another
>box under guard, is Ukyou and Alicia. Both Ryougas are in the
>center of the arena, about ten yards apart, studying each other
>intently.)

Graham: As they had their Semester final on themselves next period.

>EVIL RYOUGA: What weapons do you choose?
>RYOUGA: I prefer using none.

Tim: Then what about the Umbrella, the belt, the bandannas? What about THOSE, HUH?

>EVIL RYOUGA: Suit yourself. (rushes at Ryouga) En guarde!
>(Ryouga concentrates, arms going back, hands open and facing the
>Evil Ryouga.)
>
>EVIL RYOUGA: Hur--(cocks right fist as he rushes)

Max: Are you SURE this ain't a lemon, Tim?

>RYOUGA: ROARING LION BULLET! (Chi-blast forms as he finishes,
>stumbling back a bit as the blast hits Evil Ryouga in full force.)
>EVIL RYOUGA: --AAAAAAAAAAAGH! (falls back as he feels the force of
>the ki-blast. He stands on his feet, dazed.) Never have I felt
>a ki-blast that strong before!

Tim: Mouko Takabishya. Ego stroked Ranma. Nuff said.

>RYOUGA: When fueled with ki and not malice, any blow is stronger.

Max: Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean...

>EVIL RYOUGA: Good thing I have a few moves of my own! (rushes Ryouga
>again while building up ki, then dives at Ryouga.) Blasting Point
>Hole! (touches pointed finger at ground at angle, which throws up
>some debris)
>RYOUGA: (leaps away, barely dodging the mess)
>Hmm..nice move! Remind me to remember that.

Tim: Wait! So each Ryouga only knows HALF of his moves? What in the thirteenth hell?

>EVIL RYOUGA: Remember this! (Charges at Ryouga again) WOLF BLITZ!
>(Tackles Ryouga with a quick speed and hard charge, taking
>him to the ground.)
>RYOUGA: Whuufff!!! (feels the wind knocked out of him)
>EVIL RYOUGA: (climbs onto Ryouga's chest)

Graham: I claim this rock breaker in the name of Spain!

>For a long time you had the life I could have had..now I'll make
>your life mine with your death! (Punch heads for Ryouga's face.
>Ryouga dodges with his head..and flips up his body, knocking Evil
>Ryouga off his chest.)
>RYOUGA: (panting) Don't..count..on..it..yet!! (Evil Ryouga feels
>frustrated

Max: Are you absolutely SURE this ain't a lemon, Tim?
Tim: Shaddap.

>as the fight rages on..as Evil Ryouga
>keeps throwing blow after blow, somehow Ryouga dodges or
>blocks them. The fight goes in circles, getting closer to the
>center. We see the Evil Ryouga's aura: It burns dark crimson, and
>burns more fiercely with each blow thrown.)
>
>RYOUGA: (panting) I'm not..the SAME Ryouga..that came here eight
>years ago..(concentrates on his next move, focusing ki energy)
>EVIL RYOUGA: (panting) But..you'll DIE..all the same..(quickly
>cocks fist as a dark, hot crimson aura surrounds his form)

All: Ryouga Kills!

>RYOUGA: VORTEX PUNCH! (punches into Evil Ryouga's aura; as he
>punches in, his arm surges massively with a bright cool aqua
>aura, and the colored auras interact.)

Tim: Okay, now you're ripping off Ranma's moves.

>EVIL RYOUGA: (in shock) What..is..(feels ki-energy from the
>aura surge around him, yet can't do a thing about it as the
>ki-energy builds, swirling aqua and crimson, and building to a
>maximum)
>RYOUGA: Ki-shield, Ukyou! Shield your eyes!
>
>(Ukyou covers her eyes as her activated ki-shields her upper
>body. Ryouga crouches and does likewise, his ki-shield
>shielding his crouched form. Good thing, too, as there is a loud
>BOOM from the ki energies reacting, forming a powerful explosion
>with a blinding light and a powerful shockwave.)
>
>EVIL RYOUGA: (all but drowned out by the BOOM) AAAAAAAAH!
>(There is a pause, and when the dust settles, Evil Ryouga is
>drained, his ki spent.)

Max: Are you SU-
Tim: Don't make me dissasemble you Max.

>EVIL RYOUGA: (Weakly) Ohhhhhhhhhh...(falls unconscious)
>(Ryouga leaps up to Ukyou's box and takes a communicator from the
>dazed guard. Slinging both Ukyou and Alicia over his shoulder, he
>goes down to the unconscious Evil Ryouga. Using the communicator,
>Ryouga hails the IKAZUCHI.)
>RYOUGA: Dark Wolf to Ikazuchi.
>VOICE: Ikazuchi here.
>RYOUGA: Four to beam up, and make it quick!
>(Light envelops the four as they are back into the
>Transporter Room of the Ikazuchi.)
>RYOUGA: (To two guards) Take her (pointing to Alicia) to the brig,
>you two (points to two other guards) take this turkey to sickbay.
>Tell medical to keep him under close surveillance and guarded at all
>times.
>GUARDS: At once, sir!

Graham: I won't check to see if you are actually the proper captain SIR!

>RYOUGA: We can no longer trust the Maquis. They tried to kill me.

All: GOOD FOR THEM!

>(to helmsman) Helm, plot course for space station Deep Space
>Nine. Warp 6. All Dark Wolf ships are to meet there. The journey
>will end there and once negotiations are finished, wealth will be
>shared. Comm, notify Gul Dukat and Federation, Ferengi and Romulan
>representatives that recovery negotiations will be made once there,
>and notify the USS Rumicprise we'll meet her there. If they ask,
>tell them that "Lieutenant Ryouga Hibiki" will be there.
>COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: LIEUTENANT Ryouga Hibiki?
>RYOUGA: Just a cover for the time being. Trust me.

Tim: No.

>(DS9.

Max: Or rather, LSD.

>Commander Sisko, Major Kira, Doctor Bashir and Odo meet Ryouga, who
>has Alicia under guard led by Ukyou, and an unconscious Evil Ryouga
>on a stretcher with four guards.)
>SISKO: You weren't kidding when you said you had a problem.

Tim: I mean, being chucked into an evil twin episode... tell me about it...

>RYOUGA: (points to stretcher) I may have over exaggerated, but he
>lapsed into near-coma after beaming to the ship. Doctor, can you
>help?
>BASHIR: I believe my Sickbay can aid him.
>RYOUGA: Thank you, Doctor. Please be careful..he's my kinsman.

Tim: Hey... that's another thing. Neither Hibiki has gotten lost ONCE yet!

>(Bashir leads guards with stretcher and Evil Ryouga to Sickbay.)
>Constable Odo?
>ODO: Yes?
>RYOUGA: (points to Alicia) I have the traitor Captain Hsu talked
>about. I remand her to your custody.

Max: and I Demand you end this fic!

>ODO: (takes Alicia) Come on now..a nice cell awaits Maquis like you.

Graham: It has a TV set, and you can share it with this nice convicted rapist and...

>ALICIA: (mutters something under her breath as Odo takes her away)
>RYOUGA: Major Kira?
>KIRA: Yes?
>RYOUGA: My kinsman, Ryodai Hibiki, went through a lot of traumatic
>things at the hands of hostile Cardassians long ago. Can you help
>him heal the trauma?

All: No, Bite me.

>KIRA: (puzzled) Why do you ask this of me?
>RYOUGA: I thought that with the Cardassian occupation of Bajor,
>you'd understand best how hurt and bitter he is. I also thought
>you'd be the best able to help him with his pain.
>KIRA: I'll do what I can, and thanks for the vote of confidence.

Tim: And that's one vote for Ryouga Hibiki for president!

>(Kira leaves, with Sisko and Ryouga alone.)
>RYOUGA: Have the representatives arrived?
>SISKO: The last one arrived a short while ago.
>RYOUGA: Good..then negotiations can begin. Also, I'd like to make
>some other arrangements.

Graham: I want thirty thousand in unmarked bills to be delivered to this address.

>(Two weeks later, aboard DS9. Doctor Bashir and Odo hand the Evil
>Ryouga a key card, identification and a dataplayer with a datadisc
>in it.)
>BASHIR: You seem all right now, Ryodai. You've been unconscious
>for about two weeks.

All: Ryodai?
Max: That's the lamest excuse for a false name I've heard in YEARS!
Tim: Does that name include a pun? If not, then it can't be a Rumiko character!

>ODO: Your "kinsman," Ryouga, said that if you didn't recover before
>he left, to give you these items.
>EVIL RYOUGA: (taking time to adjust to being called Ryodai) When
>did Ryouga leave?

Tim: Well, he actually still hasn't found the front door yet, but...

>ODO: Three days ago, after finishing salvage negotiations with
>Cardassians, Ferengi, Romulans and Starfleet. You two had found
>out a notorious Maquis pirate agent, the Dark Wolf. After proceeds
>from ships and all cargoes were negotiated, he rendezvoused with the
>Rumicprise and left.
>BASHIR: As soon as you awoke he wanted to make sure you got
>these.
>RYODAI: (puzzled) I wonder what they could be.. (He plays the
>dataplayer as he adjusts to his new ID , Ryodai Hibiki.

Graham: The picture made him look like an Idiot, and the angle was entirely wrong!

>Ryouga's face and voice appear.)
>RYOUGA RECORDING: Well, Ryodai, what you have is your share of the
>proceeds. That key card when presented at Federation Intergalactic
>Banks will access an account with about 40 bars of latinum. Each
>crew member has about 100,000 credits for their loyalty. Your
>immediate account has about one million credits in case you need
>it.

Tim: Thanks for the info. With Ryouga having the account, how hard can it be to crack?
Max: Done.

>I know life hasn't been easy for you, Ryodai,

All: Deal with it.

>but I think I set up something for you to build on. I hope
>you use it wisely. As we took down a Maquis player, you, like I
>must be ever vigilant. (pause) You never know how hot their hate
>can burn.

Max: Nowhere near as hot as mine...

>As a precaution, the crew have been paid and are across the
>universes, with the ships back in their rightful places. This way,
>no Maquis can track us..they tried to kill us, so be careful.
>(pause) Good luck, my kinsman. (Recording blinks out)
>identifications to Ryodai)
>RYODAI: (says to self) Ryodai Hibiki..that's me, all right.
>(thinks) One day, "kinsman," we'll meet again..

Graham: And then there will be only one!

>(DS9 brig. Alicia is there, head slumped. Odo comes in.)
>ODO: There was a note for you..from Ryouga Hibiki.

Tim: It says "Hope you like jail, you're staying."

>ALICIA: (sits up) What?!?
>ODO: Here..(hands her note)..see for yourself.
>ALICIA: (reads note) "As the saying goes, He that sells what
>isn't his'n must buy it back or go to prison. Next time you take
>part of another's personal file for profit, make sure you work for
>tabloids, not traitors."

All: Riiiight...
Tim: This fanfic belongs in Weekly World News with how believable it is.

>(crumples note) One day..

Tim: I call no quoting Oscar's letter to Artemis.

>(Rumicprise outside shot.)
>RYOUGA VO: Personal log, supplemental. Though I gave my twin a good
>economic foundation, I hope he uses it wisely.

Graham: (Ryouga) Vegas, here I come!

>He might be slow to forgive my dismantling his fleet, but it allowed
>me a chance to prevent the Maquis from finding us for a while.
>Initially, my share of the loot was what Ryouga would have given the
>Maquis if still loyal..200 hundred bars of latinum, and five million
>credits. After taxes and other transaction fees, my net share was
>forty percent, or 80 bars and 2 million credits. This I accepted as
>my twin's legal agent during all this.

Max: Greed is the basis of all humanity.

>(Seven-Upward, the Rumicprise's Lounge.

Tim: That is MORE than enough... MAKE SEVEN UP YOURS, AUTHOR! (Fires a gigantic energy beam at Ted Hsu's house. He wipes out a good chunk of the surrounding area as well.

>Ranma, Ryouga, Ukyou, and Akane are there.)
>RANMA: Those coordinates you sent for the Maquis Base helped. A
>joint Federation-Cardassian team caught some stragglers, although
>the main Maquis, including Ro Lauren and Cal Hudson, got away.
>RYOUGA: Thought so. Even with Cardassian cooperation, it's still
>hard to get a good, quick team these days.
>AKANE: You're a little more pensive than usual, Ryouga.

Graham: You mean you can TELL?

>RYOUGA: When I listened to Ryodai's story, on how the Cardassians
>treated him, and how he hurt as a result, it scared me. What would
>have happened..if I didn't make it out of that mission and he did?

Tim: Nothing. He would've been you and you would've been him. Therefore, He would be Ryouga and you would now be Ryodai.

>Would I now be seeing life through his eyes?

Max: Hey! Eye transplants!

>UKYOU: You chose to help others.
>RYOUGA: As long as there is a "maybe" around, Ucchan, I can't help
>thinking..that could have been me out there. (pause) It makes me
>appreciate what I've got here, with friends like you.

Tim: Good. Now end the fic and let us OUT OF HERE!

>RANMA: That's about what I said to Akane and Kasumi earlier.
>AKANE: Yeah, we're all part of a family now.
>EMIKO: (comes up to Ryouga with special Emiko Surprise Soda Float)
>And don't you forget it, Ryouga. I don't make my special Emiko
>Surprise Soda Floats for just anyone.
>UKYOU: Nor I my special okonomiyaki. (pops out special okonomiyaki
>from behind her, with heart and Starfleet insignia on it.)
>So now..(slightly Yiddish tone) eat, eat, you're a growing boy!

All: (Snarling at the screen) Shut up.

>(They all laugh as the Rumicprise sails into the unknown galaxy.)

Graham: Where it met up with a thirty meter cirular vessel that reminded them of a hamburger and blasted them out of space and back into character.

>(Special Guest Cast)
>Bernie Casey as Cal Hudson
>Michelle Forbes as Ro Lauren
>Avery Brooks as Ben Sisko
>Nana Visitor as Major Kira Nerys
>Siddig El Fadil as Dr. Julian Bashir
>Rene Auberjonois as Constable Odo
>(Also Starring)
>Shauna Stilwell as Alicia Coolidge
>Vivian Cheng as Emiko Sunaoshi
>Majel Barrett as Computer Voice

Tim: Tim, Graham, and Max as the overly bored MST'ing audience.

>Fight Scenes choreographed by Daniel Pesina and Gordon Shyr

Max: Fight scenes? Three attacks are used and you call that a FIGHT SCENE?

>Double for Ted Hsu: Gordon Shyr
>Story written by Ted Hsu
>Directed and Produced by Ted Hsu
>Executive Producers T.D. Hsu and H.Y. Chan

Graham: I take it We are to be hunting these people down?
Tim: I think there are already people on it...

>Special Visual Effects by Industrial Light and magic

Max: Okay, How DARE you bring them into this piece of crap?
Tim: He not only bastardizes Rumiko but Lucas's special effects company as well!

>Sound by Todd-AO and Modern Sound
>Copyright 1994 Paramount Pictures, Takahashi Enterprises,

Graham: Now they're just making stuff up.

>Saiki Partners and Sole Brother Productions

All: Oh, I'm a soul Man...

(The outer room)
Tim: Spill the beans, what did you think about this fic?
Max: What the hell was the point of having the Author show up? He had no part!
Tim: Technically, he did. This was probably one of the worse SI fics I've read, since the Author inserted himself... as another character. Up in the cast list, it mentions that Ryouga is Ted Hsu.
Graham: It tried to take the Ranma cast and chuck them into Star trek, but there was no REASON, no explanation, no real-
Tim: Plot. And everyone was acting literally ridiculously OOC. It was kinda funny how they were acting off type. The lines were a little lacking, the emotion was laid down like a mallet, and never really went anywhere. Basically, this is not exactly a fic I would give to anyone, especially a trekkie. They're more likely to shoot this piece down than We non-trekkies are. Anyways, I figure that's about enough ranting. Seeya!
(Signal end)

THE END

>RYOUGA: Just a cover for the time being. Trust me.

Send Email to Me at Ktnablade@AOL.com
or Graham at Gmantis14@AOL.com
or Max at ThisAddressDoesNotExist@AOL.com

This took a total running time of aboout three days to MST, since I've been busy, and Mi Madre doesn't want me staying up late anymore... Oh well. It's done. Here ya go! Hope to have seventeen out to you soon. It's a thinkerfic. This should be fun... Oh, as always...

Comments appreciated, Flames laughed at.