Planet WAAGH (Hulk/Warhammer 40,000)

[The Grim Squeaker]

Planet WAAGH
The Incredible Hulk/Warhammer 40,000



The Location: Geo-synchronous orbit above the Planet Earth, S.H.I.E.L.D Defensive station Arch-angel class No 01, primary control center.

The Hulk wiped the smear of crushed metal & oil from his massive forehead with an equally over-sized palm.

"Stupid Machine, thought it could grow stronger than Hulk, thought it could think Hulk away, just like Puny Banner".

The Hulk lumbered over the "corpse" that had once been an adaptive S.H.I.E.L.D A.I robot and through the disintegrating space station that now, without a guiding consciousness was spasming in its death-throes.
But that hardly mattered to him, since mere bursts of poisonous gas, corrosive coolant, superheated flame electrified surfaces and rapid depressurization could not stop the unstoppable, couldn't hurt the indestructible, could not hinder The Mighty Hulk.

Still, even he would need to breathe eventually, so he lumbered on, a Juggernaut smashing through any and all obstacles in his path, through Titanium wall after Titanium wall towards the escape shuttle Fury had told him about before sending him to destroy the rogue A.I. All he wanted to do now was to go back to Earth where maybe he would earn some respite for himself and "Puny Banner".

'For what?'

Hulk spat a wad of green phlegm that melted through a metal lock.

'So that you can be alone again? Eating Insects and mushrooms in the desert?"

Hulk smashed through door after door as if they were made of tissue or flesh rather than 150cm thick steel, trying to ignore the voice in his head. Unsuccessfully.

' So you can feed squirrels and fawns in a forest? So you can grub for Acorns & mushrooms in the forests?'

"Shut UP!"

Hulk's shout would have inspired terror in any being unfortunate to hear it were it not for the fact that the depressurization had reached the point that vacuum precluded his voice carrying beyond his lips.

'So you can hurt or kill the few beings that still don't want to kill you? "Hulk need no-one" indeed, What about Jones, your dear cousin Jennifer....'

Hulk ripped the airlock door of its hinges as if it were leaning rather then welded into the stations walls, his mouth wording silent (If simple) obscenities.

' So you can kill your Dear Betty all over again?'

Air billowed around the hulk as he entered the shuttle's interior allowing his voice to be heard, and to be heard so as to shake the ship to its foundations:

"-HUT! U-... Wait, Banner always "says" we when we think of Betty. You're not Banner, and you're not one of my other selves. Who Are YOU?!"

'I'd hoped to convince you peacefully so that this wouldn't be necessary. Look to the view-screen and We'll explain, and for what it's worth - We-I'm sorry'.

Four men appeared on the main computer screen of the shuttle - Men known to Bruce Banner as Reed Richard, Charles Xavier, Tony Stark & Stephen Strange.
To the Hulk they were often thought of as: Stretchy-man (Mister Fantastic), Silly little Bald man (Professor X), Metal-head (Iron Man) & Strange magic wizard (Doctor Strange).
To Both Bruce Banner and his alter ego they had often been thought of as allies if not even friends at times. At least up until Now.
Now they told him that he was "A Monster", "Dangerous", a beast, "Savage", uncontrollable, "A menace to all life on Earth". They ignored the many times he had saved the world that so hated and despised him.
They told him that he was being exiled, banished, relocated to "A distant planet" one empty of living life. They said that it was for the benefit of life on Earth and that they were also thinking of "His own good".
They said that they were his friends.
They said that they were doing this for the sake of Their Planet.


The Shuttle bumped out of dock with the disintegrating station and its Long distance engines jerked violently into life, its coned "nose" pointed away from the glistening, blue-green life bearing orb that was Earth and towards a distant star and desolate brown planet.
Hulk was angry.
The interior of the shuttle and walls protecting the engines and navigation controls were heavily fortified, laced with titanium and even secondary Adamantium, force-fields capable of blasting a man into ash in a millisecond, and had the further reinforcements of wards of magical protection, polarity reversedneutronic Graviton particles, Psychic fields of antipathy and all the other precautions laid in wait for The Hulk by The so called Illuminati.
But Hulk was Angry.
The shuttle was now in mid transition, any damage to its engines now could send it careening out of its flight path and towards time, space and places unknown, but Hulk did not care for that.
For Hulk Was ANGRY.

The Hulk ripped at the shuttle's interior, reducing it to shreds, ignoring the pathetic defenses that burnt at his skin and melted bone & muscle, ignoring the red alarm consoles and blaring Alarmklaxons that sounded as the shuttle careened out of its route through dimensions and fluctuating Warp fields towards a planet.
The Wrong planet.
It crashed, quite violently leaving a trail of debris a quarter mile wide and 3 miles long, depositing its cargo violently into a crater of his own.


The creatures were small, the colour of rotting cheese. They scurried towards the crash site yammering to each other and gawked at the huge green giant that lay sprawled in a smoking, dust filled crater.

"Wazzzzat?"
"Dunnow"
"Lets Eats IT!"
"Yaaayzz!""Yaaayzz!""Yaaayzz!""Yaaayzz!"

The foremost of them (it being taller by half an inch than the others and possessor of the most magnificent proboscis) approached the body, its massive, sensitive nostrils bared.

"Smells like a humie covered with our fat git ob a boss" It tittered before taking a bite from the Jade titans elbow.

The Hulk's eyes snapped open as he felt the thing pierce his skin before slapping at it, reducing it to a greasy smear on the ground.

Its bold companions saw this and undertook the sensible act in such circumstances -

"YAAAAA, Ruuuuuun!!"
"EEEEEEEE"
"Every Gretchin for himself"
"I don't want to do anything for 'himself'"
"Dat means you Fwit!"
"Then Every Gretchin For Meeeeee...."

To run in a panicked frenzy in every direction possible.

The Hulk ignored them, he was far too weak and drained from his travails to bother with a pack of what looked like miniature greenish-Yellow Mole-men. (They were called Gretchins, but he did now know that. Yet). He slowly began to rise to his feet, tottering before collapsing in a sprawled heap.
This fact went unnoticed by the panicking Gretchins but not by their approaching master, the two and a half meter tall, heavily muscled, pot-bellied Ork Gargoz Quick-Whip of the Goffs Ork clan.

"Wellz, Wellz - Looks like I've gots me a new slave and some Teef".

To be continued...