Batman vs. Child Welfare Sercives (Script)
Posted: 2007-05-21 09:58pm
Enjoy the First Draft of this parody script. Imagine it done as a production on Robot Chicken.
Notes:
(Beat) = a short pause
(O.S.) = Off Screen
(V.O.) = Voice Over
BATMAN VS. CHILD WELFARE SERVICES
FADE IN:
INT. THE BAT-CAVE -- NIGHT
Big, open space, the classic setup: Bat-computer, over half a dozen glass cases with old costumes in them. The Bat-mobile launch pad.
BATMAN, in classic cape-and-cowl, grim, pale, with 3-day stubble, sits at the computer typing away. Walking past the various cases is LARRY, a bespectacled almost well-dressed fellow with a clip board, he cautiously approaches Batman.
LARRY
Um, Batman?
Batman does not even turn.
BATMAN
I'm Batman.
LARRY
Yeah, um, I'm Larry with Child Welfare Services. You've adopted quite a few kids over the years and the Justice League would like to make sure you're doing a good job with them. Is that alright?
BATMAN
...Go ahead.
Larry makes a note on his clipboard.
EXT. BACK-ALLEY -- NIGHT
Larry stands next to NIGHTWING, a twenty-something crime fighter with an acrobatic build. Larry has a pencil taking notes on his clipboard.
NIGHTWING
I was the first kid Batman adopted. First Robin too.
LARRY
How many Robin's have their been.
NIGHTWING
Four. Each one has been fired at one point or another.
LARRY
'Fired'?
NIGHTWING
Yeah. Batman holds everyone up to this standard that's impossibly high. One screw-up and you're gone. That's what happen to most of them. That or they died.
LARRY
Died?!
NIGHTWING
Eh, like death ever sticks these days.
A random THUG sneaks up on Nightwing with a knife, Larry points but Nightwing casually back-fists the THUG, one-hit K.O.
NIGHTWING
I got fired, but didn't want to stop being a hero. Made the Nightwing costume and kept it up. Eventually, he said I re-earned his trust and let me back in.
Nightwing folds his arms and looks away.
NIGHTWING
But I don't need his approval anymore. I'm my own person.
Larry writes something down.
LARRY
I see. May I ask about the allegations about the various Robins and...
Nightwing lets out a sigh.
NIGHTWING
Listen. Batman wouldn't know sex if it threw itself on his lap. And it has. Multiple times.
MONTAGE:
CATWOMAN, TALIA AL GHUL, POISON IVY, a few unnamed SOCIALITES and then WONDER WOMAN all draped over Batman in a sexually suggestive ways.
END MONTAGE.
NIGHTWING
There's something wrong with a guy who can ignore Wonder Woman as well as my fine ass...It's just not human.
Nightwing turns and grabs his butt. Larry stands hypnotized by it.
INT. COMPUTER LAB -- DAY
Larry sits at a computer terminal where the screen is dominated by an image of the ORACLE, a green woman's face with electrical conduits down her hair.
LARRY
So, You're the Oracle.
Oracle's voice is completely electronically generated.
ORACLE
And the original Batgirl.
LARRY
Care to describe your relationship with Bruce.
ORACLE
Bastard got me paralyzed. That's all you need to know.
The computer clicks off.
EXT. BACK-ALLEY -- NIGHT
A slightly different back alley, this time, the RED HOOD, 18, strongly built and in a red hooded mask and brown leather jacket, stands in front of Larry, whose a little nervous.
RED HOOD
Yeah, I was the second Robin.
LARRY
Were you, um, fired?
RED HOOD
Nah. I left. Well, I did leave, but not before the Joker beat me with a crowbar and blew me up.
LARRY
And you survived that?
RED HOOD
Oh, no, I died.
Larry looks puzzled
LARRY
Then why--
RED HOOD
(sighs)
Superboy Prime punched time, creating ripples in reality and bringing me back to life in his mad attempts to set reality straight.
Larry drops his pencil.
LARRY
You're kidding
RED HOOD
I wish I was.
LARRY
So why did you leave.
RED HOOD
Because the Joker is not only still alive, but also still constantly escaping from Arkham! What the hell! He kills me and Batman just goes about business as usual!? So to make up for his errors, I don't let criminals get away that easily.
LARRY
Um, all criminals?
RED HOOD
Nah, just the big psycho types.
(beat)
Usually.
The Thug tries to sneak up on Red Hood to throttle him. Red Hood doesn't even turn around, but he effortlessly stabs the thug in the face with a CRUEL DAGGER. The thug drops dead.
EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOP -- NIGHT
ROBIN, 17, Stand dynamically on the rooftop as Larry struggles to keep his sheets on the clipboard.
ROBIN
You wanted to see me.
LARRY
Yeah. Now--
(wind blows again)
--As I understand it, you're the third Robin, right.
ROBIN
Yes.
LARRY
But I was informed there were four.
ROBIN
That's...that's another issue entirely.
LARRY
Alright then, tell me about your relationship with Batman.
ROBIN
I became Robin because Batman needed one to ground himself. Since then, I've lost a lot of people--including both my parents. Batman's adopted me since then.
LARRY
Both your parents?
ROBIN
Yeah. But I manage.
LARRY
So what have you been up to?
ROBIN
Trying to get back into the dating scene since my last girlfriend was tortured to death by Black Mask.
LARRY
Tortured to death?
ROBIN
Yeah. I seem to have bad luck with girls only after I date them.
LARRY
How so?
ROBIN
My first girlfriend disappeared from continuity and another died and was resurrected as a supervillain.
Larry gulps
LARRY
And your current prospects?
ROBIN
One leads the League of Assassins, another has been...Very forceful in her advances.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT
Robin enters his room (with an emblazoned "R" on it) and closes the door behind him.
A THUMP and TUMBLE are heard.
ROBIN (O.S.)
Rose! What are you doing in my room?
ROSE (O.S.)
I'm trying to undo your utility belt.
ROBIN (O.S.)
Why are you naked?!
ROSE (O.S.)
Because it's not as much fun with your clothes ON.
EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOP -- THE PREVIOUS SCENE
Larry stares dumb founded.
ROBIN
But I've also got a normal girl from school that I've started to date. She seems nice enough.
Larry wipes the sweat from his brow.
LARRY
You...You mentioned hobbies? What sort of hobbies do you have?
ROBIN
Well, for the past year I've been trying to clone by dead best friend.
Robin rubs the back of his head.
ROBIN
After the last failure, his girlfriend found out and...things got heated and we...kissed.
(beat)
That's not cheating, is it?
Larry stares and lets the wind blow away some of his notes.
EXT. ANOTHER BACK-ALLEY -- NIGHT
BATGIRL, 18, lithe and in a costume that covers every inch of her body, sits in a BEACH CHAIR across from Larry, also in a BEACH CHAIR.
BATGIRL
Dude, you don't even want to know.
LARRY
I'm required by the state to ask.
BATGIRL
Alright, after I get back from a journey to find my birth mother, I come home to find my home town bombed to hell and Batman has taken his 'boys' on a world-traveling adventure. Leaving me high and dry.
LARRY
Then what happened?
BATGIRL
Drugs happened.
LARRY
You turned to drugs?
BATGIRL
No, that ass-hole Slade drugged me.
CUT TO:
EXT. CIT STREET -- DAY
Batgirl is peacefully walking the street when a DART strikes her in the neck.
BATGIRL
Ow! What the?
BATGIRL (V.O.)
Then I... really don't know what happened.
Batgirl SPINS around the screen as the background becomes psychedelic, images of Batgirl leading NINJA ARMIES, fighting Robin and doing a Mexican Hat Dance pass her by.
EXT. ANOTHER BACK-ALLEY -- MOMENTS LATER
The previous scene.
BATGIRL
When I woke up, I found myself heading the League of Assassins, having betrayed everything I once believed in, and now, suddenly, I can not only speak perfect English, but I also know Navajo Code! I have no idea how I went from being a near mute dyslexic to being a Navajo Code talker in less than a year. No matter how I put it together it just doesn't make sense!
LARRY
Must have been some powerful drugs.
BATGIRL
Either that or Superboy Prime punched my time line.
She puts her face in her hands and shakes her head.
BATGIRL
God I hope it's the drugs.
EXT. GRAVEYARD -- NIGHT
Inside a PENTAGRAM encircled by CANDLES a steam of smoke rises up. The pentagram sits on a grave that reads "Stephanie Brown". Larry stands back as the smoke Coalesces into SPOILER, 16 in a Eggplant-colored hood and cloak with a black mask.
LARRY
Uh...Spoiler, formerly the fourth Robin?
SPOILER
Yeah. That's me. Now why'd ya wake me up?
LARRY
Can you, um...can you tell me what your relationship with Batman was like?
SPOILER
Batman's a dick. There's really no other way to put it. He's a giant dick. I hero-ed about town for a while, and he's all 'you can't do that, you don't have the training' and then refuses to train me! Even when he made me Robin, I got maybe a day's worth of training before he fired me for not being up to snuff.
LARRY
So, um, how did you die?
SPOILER
Well, after he fired me, I wanted to regain his trust like Nightwing did. So, after hacking into his computer, I found a plan that could destroy the major crime bosses in Gotham. I put it forward...and then things went to hell. Got tortured by Black Mask and died.
As she says Tortured, she removes her mask, revealing hundreds of scars and other tissue damage. Larry cringes at the sight.
SPOILER
Pardon me if I skip the details.
LARRY
...Er, hold on a minute. You hacked into Batman's computer?
SPOILER
Yeah. It was surprisingly easy.
LARRY
Have you ever hacked a computer before?
SPOILER
Well, no. Come to think of it, the files were just kind of 'there' on the desk-top...and...wait a minute, that son of a bitch set me up! Oh, I am SO going to haunt his ass for this!
Spoiler disappears in a burst of flames.
INT. THE BAT-CAVE -- LATER
Batman's still at the computer typing away, a glass of MILK is next to him. Larry returns.
BATMAN
So what did you find?
Larry takes a deep breath.
LARRY
Batman, after thorough consideration, it is my decision that as a foster-parent--
Batman LOOKS at Larry.
LARRY
--That you've been doing a fantastic job of taking care of obviously disturbed young men and women. Are you sure we can't convince you to take any more troublemakers?
BATMAN
I'm handling about as many as I can these days, what with finding out I have a bastard child running around these days. Thank you for the vote of confidence.
LARRY
Just one?
BATMAN
Yeah, surprised me as well.
LARRY
Well, best of luck to you.
Larry leaves.
Batman reaches for the milk and drinks, but his face sours and he turns away.
BATMAN
...My milk has been spoiled.
SPOILER (O.S.)
HAHAHAHAHA!
FADE OUT
Notes:
(Beat) = a short pause
(O.S.) = Off Screen
(V.O.) = Voice Over
BATMAN VS. CHILD WELFARE SERVICES
FADE IN:
INT. THE BAT-CAVE -- NIGHT
Big, open space, the classic setup: Bat-computer, over half a dozen glass cases with old costumes in them. The Bat-mobile launch pad.
BATMAN, in classic cape-and-cowl, grim, pale, with 3-day stubble, sits at the computer typing away. Walking past the various cases is LARRY, a bespectacled almost well-dressed fellow with a clip board, he cautiously approaches Batman.
LARRY
Um, Batman?
Batman does not even turn.
BATMAN
I'm Batman.
LARRY
Yeah, um, I'm Larry with Child Welfare Services. You've adopted quite a few kids over the years and the Justice League would like to make sure you're doing a good job with them. Is that alright?
BATMAN
...Go ahead.
Larry makes a note on his clipboard.
EXT. BACK-ALLEY -- NIGHT
Larry stands next to NIGHTWING, a twenty-something crime fighter with an acrobatic build. Larry has a pencil taking notes on his clipboard.
NIGHTWING
I was the first kid Batman adopted. First Robin too.
LARRY
How many Robin's have their been.
NIGHTWING
Four. Each one has been fired at one point or another.
LARRY
'Fired'?
NIGHTWING
Yeah. Batman holds everyone up to this standard that's impossibly high. One screw-up and you're gone. That's what happen to most of them. That or they died.
LARRY
Died?!
NIGHTWING
Eh, like death ever sticks these days.
A random THUG sneaks up on Nightwing with a knife, Larry points but Nightwing casually back-fists the THUG, one-hit K.O.
NIGHTWING
I got fired, but didn't want to stop being a hero. Made the Nightwing costume and kept it up. Eventually, he said I re-earned his trust and let me back in.
Nightwing folds his arms and looks away.
NIGHTWING
But I don't need his approval anymore. I'm my own person.
Larry writes something down.
LARRY
I see. May I ask about the allegations about the various Robins and...
Nightwing lets out a sigh.
NIGHTWING
Listen. Batman wouldn't know sex if it threw itself on his lap. And it has. Multiple times.
MONTAGE:
CATWOMAN, TALIA AL GHUL, POISON IVY, a few unnamed SOCIALITES and then WONDER WOMAN all draped over Batman in a sexually suggestive ways.
END MONTAGE.
NIGHTWING
There's something wrong with a guy who can ignore Wonder Woman as well as my fine ass...It's just not human.
Nightwing turns and grabs his butt. Larry stands hypnotized by it.
INT. COMPUTER LAB -- DAY
Larry sits at a computer terminal where the screen is dominated by an image of the ORACLE, a green woman's face with electrical conduits down her hair.
LARRY
So, You're the Oracle.
Oracle's voice is completely electronically generated.
ORACLE
And the original Batgirl.
LARRY
Care to describe your relationship with Bruce.
ORACLE
Bastard got me paralyzed. That's all you need to know.
The computer clicks off.
EXT. BACK-ALLEY -- NIGHT
A slightly different back alley, this time, the RED HOOD, 18, strongly built and in a red hooded mask and brown leather jacket, stands in front of Larry, whose a little nervous.
RED HOOD
Yeah, I was the second Robin.
LARRY
Were you, um, fired?
RED HOOD
Nah. I left. Well, I did leave, but not before the Joker beat me with a crowbar and blew me up.
LARRY
And you survived that?
RED HOOD
Oh, no, I died.
Larry looks puzzled
LARRY
Then why--
RED HOOD
(sighs)
Superboy Prime punched time, creating ripples in reality and bringing me back to life in his mad attempts to set reality straight.
Larry drops his pencil.
LARRY
You're kidding
RED HOOD
I wish I was.
LARRY
So why did you leave.
RED HOOD
Because the Joker is not only still alive, but also still constantly escaping from Arkham! What the hell! He kills me and Batman just goes about business as usual!? So to make up for his errors, I don't let criminals get away that easily.
LARRY
Um, all criminals?
RED HOOD
Nah, just the big psycho types.
(beat)
Usually.
The Thug tries to sneak up on Red Hood to throttle him. Red Hood doesn't even turn around, but he effortlessly stabs the thug in the face with a CRUEL DAGGER. The thug drops dead.
EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOP -- NIGHT
ROBIN, 17, Stand dynamically on the rooftop as Larry struggles to keep his sheets on the clipboard.
ROBIN
You wanted to see me.
LARRY
Yeah. Now--
(wind blows again)
--As I understand it, you're the third Robin, right.
ROBIN
Yes.
LARRY
But I was informed there were four.
ROBIN
That's...that's another issue entirely.
LARRY
Alright then, tell me about your relationship with Batman.
ROBIN
I became Robin because Batman needed one to ground himself. Since then, I've lost a lot of people--including both my parents. Batman's adopted me since then.
LARRY
Both your parents?
ROBIN
Yeah. But I manage.
LARRY
So what have you been up to?
ROBIN
Trying to get back into the dating scene since my last girlfriend was tortured to death by Black Mask.
LARRY
Tortured to death?
ROBIN
Yeah. I seem to have bad luck with girls only after I date them.
LARRY
How so?
ROBIN
My first girlfriend disappeared from continuity and another died and was resurrected as a supervillain.
Larry gulps
LARRY
And your current prospects?
ROBIN
One leads the League of Assassins, another has been...Very forceful in her advances.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT
Robin enters his room (with an emblazoned "R" on it) and closes the door behind him.
A THUMP and TUMBLE are heard.
ROBIN (O.S.)
Rose! What are you doing in my room?
ROSE (O.S.)
I'm trying to undo your utility belt.
ROBIN (O.S.)
Why are you naked?!
ROSE (O.S.)
Because it's not as much fun with your clothes ON.
EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOP -- THE PREVIOUS SCENE
Larry stares dumb founded.
ROBIN
But I've also got a normal girl from school that I've started to date. She seems nice enough.
Larry wipes the sweat from his brow.
LARRY
You...You mentioned hobbies? What sort of hobbies do you have?
ROBIN
Well, for the past year I've been trying to clone by dead best friend.
Robin rubs the back of his head.
ROBIN
After the last failure, his girlfriend found out and...things got heated and we...kissed.
(beat)
That's not cheating, is it?
Larry stares and lets the wind blow away some of his notes.
EXT. ANOTHER BACK-ALLEY -- NIGHT
BATGIRL, 18, lithe and in a costume that covers every inch of her body, sits in a BEACH CHAIR across from Larry, also in a BEACH CHAIR.
BATGIRL
Dude, you don't even want to know.
LARRY
I'm required by the state to ask.
BATGIRL
Alright, after I get back from a journey to find my birth mother, I come home to find my home town bombed to hell and Batman has taken his 'boys' on a world-traveling adventure. Leaving me high and dry.
LARRY
Then what happened?
BATGIRL
Drugs happened.
LARRY
You turned to drugs?
BATGIRL
No, that ass-hole Slade drugged me.
CUT TO:
EXT. CIT STREET -- DAY
Batgirl is peacefully walking the street when a DART strikes her in the neck.
BATGIRL
Ow! What the?
BATGIRL (V.O.)
Then I... really don't know what happened.
Batgirl SPINS around the screen as the background becomes psychedelic, images of Batgirl leading NINJA ARMIES, fighting Robin and doing a Mexican Hat Dance pass her by.
EXT. ANOTHER BACK-ALLEY -- MOMENTS LATER
The previous scene.
BATGIRL
When I woke up, I found myself heading the League of Assassins, having betrayed everything I once believed in, and now, suddenly, I can not only speak perfect English, but I also know Navajo Code! I have no idea how I went from being a near mute dyslexic to being a Navajo Code talker in less than a year. No matter how I put it together it just doesn't make sense!
LARRY
Must have been some powerful drugs.
BATGIRL
Either that or Superboy Prime punched my time line.
She puts her face in her hands and shakes her head.
BATGIRL
God I hope it's the drugs.
EXT. GRAVEYARD -- NIGHT
Inside a PENTAGRAM encircled by CANDLES a steam of smoke rises up. The pentagram sits on a grave that reads "Stephanie Brown". Larry stands back as the smoke Coalesces into SPOILER, 16 in a Eggplant-colored hood and cloak with a black mask.
LARRY
Uh...Spoiler, formerly the fourth Robin?
SPOILER
Yeah. That's me. Now why'd ya wake me up?
LARRY
Can you, um...can you tell me what your relationship with Batman was like?
SPOILER
Batman's a dick. There's really no other way to put it. He's a giant dick. I hero-ed about town for a while, and he's all 'you can't do that, you don't have the training' and then refuses to train me! Even when he made me Robin, I got maybe a day's worth of training before he fired me for not being up to snuff.
LARRY
So, um, how did you die?
SPOILER
Well, after he fired me, I wanted to regain his trust like Nightwing did. So, after hacking into his computer, I found a plan that could destroy the major crime bosses in Gotham. I put it forward...and then things went to hell. Got tortured by Black Mask and died.
As she says Tortured, she removes her mask, revealing hundreds of scars and other tissue damage. Larry cringes at the sight.
SPOILER
Pardon me if I skip the details.
LARRY
...Er, hold on a minute. You hacked into Batman's computer?
SPOILER
Yeah. It was surprisingly easy.
LARRY
Have you ever hacked a computer before?
SPOILER
Well, no. Come to think of it, the files were just kind of 'there' on the desk-top...and...wait a minute, that son of a bitch set me up! Oh, I am SO going to haunt his ass for this!
Spoiler disappears in a burst of flames.
INT. THE BAT-CAVE -- LATER
Batman's still at the computer typing away, a glass of MILK is next to him. Larry returns.
BATMAN
So what did you find?
Larry takes a deep breath.
LARRY
Batman, after thorough consideration, it is my decision that as a foster-parent--
Batman LOOKS at Larry.
LARRY
--That you've been doing a fantastic job of taking care of obviously disturbed young men and women. Are you sure we can't convince you to take any more troublemakers?
BATMAN
I'm handling about as many as I can these days, what with finding out I have a bastard child running around these days. Thank you for the vote of confidence.
LARRY
Just one?
BATMAN
Yeah, surprised me as well.
LARRY
Well, best of luck to you.
Larry leaves.
Batman reaches for the milk and drinks, but his face sours and he turns away.
BATMAN
...My milk has been spoiled.
SPOILER (O.S.)
HAHAHAHAHA!
FADE OUT