StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Tony Stark, the invincible fucking Iron fucking Man, posed in the emo "contemplating the horror of all the destruction" pose on top of a building. The driving rain and lightning made everything extra dramatic, even if it minimalized the audience. Tony would have it all over the internet in the next hour and whammo, everyone would see it. He was the Director of SHIELD and had more money and pussy than God. Life was fucking good even if there was the Hulk and Namor weren't rolling with the plan.

Lightning flashed in front of him and in the wake of the bolt stood Thor. The mighty Thor, the real deal, Mjollnar and everything and this time wearing some kind of funky Asgardian mail as part of his costume. Fuckin' A, it was about time that fossil got with the program. Big bicepts were nice, but armour was Tony fucking Stark was the man.

Thor growled. "Yo, Iron Dick. Tell me something motherfucker: when did the US go tits up?"

"Jesus fucking Christ," said Stark. "You aren't here to jerk off to one of Captain fucking corpse's speeches? It's all about My Space and NASCAR baby. Punching Hitler in the jaw was so sixty years ago."

"What I'm talking about bitch," said Thor, "is when did the country become the United States of Canada and fucking Jesus Land. Because the last time I looked, only one motherfucker was allowed to do my shtick. And that horse faced motherfucker Beta Ray Bill is in Canada. So I'm asking you again bitch, when the fuck did New fucking York become part of Canada because it sure as hell looks like someone's been doing my shtick here and the only person allowed to do my shtick is a horse faced alien motherfucker."

"Thor, look, I can explain-"

"Good," said Thor, "because from where I'm standing it looks like you think the mighty Thor is your bitch. Now, I want to ask you, does the mighty Thor look like a bitch?"

"Well your hair is a little long."

Thor's fist smashed into Iron Man's helmet and knocked him sprawling over the roof. "Jesus fucking-" Tony began as he got back up.

"If you're going to talk like a bitch, I'll smack you like one," said Thor. "Now I wake up and I come back to New York City and I find out that someone has set up some kind of shitty ass weather control satellite system and instituted some kind of fucking superhero civil fucking war."

"Thor it-"

Thor smashed him in the stomach with the head of Mjollnar. Tony went "oof" and bent over.

"You don't fucking interrupt the mighty Thor bitch. Now, as I was saying, some asshole perp walked Captain fucking America around in a big public display while the Red fucking Skull, I'm sorry, former Secretary of fucking Defence Red Skull, was still on the loose. Big surprise Mister Fucking In Fashion Sixty Fucking Years Ago put out a hit and killed Captain Fucking America because the invicible Iron Douche was busy gloating in fucking public."

"Thor it wasn't-" WHAAAM. Mjollnar slammed in the side of Iron Man's head.

"What did Thor tell a bitch about speaking out of turn?" Tony Stark staggered to his feet. "And now we're getting somewhere. So I wake the fuck up after being dead for a while and I find out that some fucking asshole is taking the country fucking facist, is running a fucking government superteam with Bulls Eye and the fucking Green Goblin on it, has gotten Captain fucking America killed, and HAS CREATED A FUCKIN' CLONE OF THOR AND SCOOPED OUT ITS FUCKIN' BRAIN AND REPLACED IT WITH A FUCKIN' COMPUTER!

"Now what kind of evil, megalomaniac bitch scoops out brains to create cyborg slave clones? What kind of sick fuck thinks that Bulls Eye and Norman fucking Osborn are the kind of guys who should be protecting the public? Doctor fucking Doom? Nope. Loki? Nope. Thanatos? Nope. The fucking Mandarin? Nope. Tony fucking Stark and Reed fucking Richards."

"I've tried to be fucking reasonable," said Tony Stark, "on the account of you being a fossil and newly back from the dead. But now I'm going to have to lay the smack on you." Iron Man raised his arms and unleashe both of his repulsors, full blast. Thor whirled his hammer and blocked the bolts.

"Bitch please," Thor said. "Why don't you try sucking on a little of the Anti-Force?" He pointed Mjollnar at Iron Man and a blue-white beam of incredible power smashed in Tony Stark and blasted him off the roof, into the building behind him, out of the building behind him, across the street, and into wall of the next building. Iron Man fell seven blocks to the sidewalk where he lay dazed.

Thor dropped down beside him and picked Stark up. "Some stupid assholes should learn not to do Doctor Doom like shit. These same douche bags should know that messing with the mighty Thor will leave them in for a world of hurt. The same douches should also fucking know that using a cyborg clone slave Thor to kill friends of Thor is really asking for it."

"Wha, what now?" Tony gurgled.

"Now? Now motherfucker? Now I'm going to show you what happens when an organization based on flying billion dollar helicarriers fucks with the God of fucking Thunder. Guess what happens when someone bad ass Asgardian motherfucker drops a tornado funnel on a helicarrier's engines? Oh yeah, some shit gets seriously fucked up. I'm going to go fucking Authority on your ass and the ass of Richards and all the rest of your buddies who think this shit is a good fucking idea. I'm going to go full bore Old School Norse-Viking, raid and pillage, blood eagle cutting hard core motherfuckerness on your collective asses. You're going to think Warren fucking Ellis is fucking up your shit, that's how bad its going to get. Now what you go to say about that bitch?"

"Muhhhh, please-"

Thor dropped vincable Iron Douche. "Yeah, that's about what I thought you'd say. Bitch."

Heh, nice. Is this a one only or are there going to be more chapters?

Enigma wrote:Heh, nice. Is this a one only or are there going to be more chapters?

Just a one shot.

Great. I love all the fucking cussing!

I think someone just needed to have an outlet for his CivilWar rage.

Not one of your better ones, hon, sorry.

...
Have you been doing Shroom-man?

So, this would be the MAX ending to the Civil War plotline then?

I know jack shit about the Civil War beyond the fact that it spawned lame-ass sig banners, but that was entertaining anyway. I like the Pulp Fiction flashbacks: "Does Thor look like a bitch?" "What?" *blam* "Aaahhh!" "Does he LOOK like a BITCH?" "NOOO!" "Then why you try to fuck him like one, Iron Man?"

LadyTevar wrote:I think someone just needed to have an outlet for his CivilWar rage.

The rage is justified, considering how badly Marvel fucked up Earth-616. Seriously, forcing a bunch of superheroes to immigrate to Canada? What is this, a Vietnam War commentary that's 30-something years late?

Hilarity. So much anger, turned into so much comedy.

I'm sigging this, just because it's got Thor in it.

LadyTevar wrote:I think someone just needed to have an outlet for his CivilWar rage.

No rage (not enough emotional investment for rage), but the "Would a Tarantino-esque smackdown by Thor be cool? Yeah, I think it might. It would go something like this" is what ran through my head.