Bad Anime

[Sidewinder]

EDITED 13SEP2007

EDITED AGAIN 29SEP2007-- I raised Linda's age and rank to make her more suitable as an XO

***
The portrait of a 14-year-old boy, hand-drawn and computer-colored, moved. The boy's hands extended from the computer monitor and gripped the frame to pull him out of the monitor.

A Toon, a child of dreams, was being brought to life by the animator who drew him.

The boy's head emerged from the monitor. His hands rested on the animator's desk as his chest emerged from the monitor resting upon the desk. Then his hands slipped.

"Eh?" The boy fell face-first onto the floor, kicking over the monitor as he did so. "Ite!"

A 21-year-old man of Japanese-American descent-- another Toon-- approached the boy and offered his hand. The boy gratefully took it, and was pulled to his feet. "You okay?"

"Yes," the boy answered. "Thank you..."

"Johnny Tsurugi, the big brother." The man was 188-centimeter-tall. He had black hair and gray eyes, and his intense stare made his eyes resemble gun muzzles. His palms had stigmata, implanted light-emitting diodes (LEDs) that let him interface with electronic systems. The man wore a gray flight suit, which was skin-tight to let the suit's sensors monitor his health. Armor protected his shoulders, torso, and groin. His left hand cradled a helmet with a skull painted on the visor. Two holsters were strapped to his thighs.

"I'm Yamato Shiro... the hero." The boy had black hair and blue eyes. His palms also had stigmata. He wore a white shirt, a blue vest with his school crest over his heart, and blue pants.

Johnny translated Shiro's name. "Japanese Soldier. A good name."

An executive from XYZ Animation, the company that created the Toons, approached the boy. "Good morning, Shiro!" He put his hand on the boy's shoulder. "Let me introduce your costars. You've already met the big brother." He pushed Shiro towards a group of people-- Toons.

The boy faced a 19-year-old woman of German-Chinese descent. She had black hair and yellow eyes, and wore a qipao, a one-piece dress popular in Qing Dynasty China. A jian, a Chinese double-edged sword, was slung across her back. "This is Aimei Skorzeny, the tsundere girl," one who is initially combative, but later reveals her emotional vulnerabilities and becomes affectionate.

"Good morning," Shiro greeted.

"Grrrr." Aimei's fierce expression forced the boy to back away.

The executive laughed. "Don't worry. She's tsuntsun," combative, "now, but she'll be nice to you once she becomes deredere," emotionally vulnerable and affectionate. He pushed Shiro towards a 30-year-old with red hair and green eyes, wearing a British Army dress uniform with a miniskirt. "This is Linda Love, the big sister."

"Such a cute little boy!" Linda embraced Shiro, pressing his face against her large breasts.

"Oomph!"

"Let him go, Linda," the executive ordered.

"Awwww." But the redhead complied, letting the boy breathe.

The executive pushed Shiro towards two 18-year-old women with red eyes. One had silver hair, and wore a French maid uniform. One had golden hair, and wore a flight suit with the zipper pulled down to reveal her breast cleavage. "These are Sugar and Spice, the sexaroids," sexy androids.

"Good morning, Master Shiro," Sugar, the silver-haired sexaroid, coldly greeted. A katana, a Japanese long sword, was slung across her back.

"Nice to meet you, Master Shiro," Spice, the golden-haired sexaroid, warmly greeted.

The executive pushed the boy towards a 49-year-old man wearing the fictional Japanese Strategic Self-Defense Force's black uniform. "And this is Yamato Isamu, your father, for whom you suffer from Oedipus complex," a son regarding the father as an adversary, a competitor for the mother's love.

"Good morning, Father." Isamu ignored Shiro, making the boy want to cry.

Then the executive pushed the boy towards a door. "Now let's go meet the sponsors."

***

BAD ANIME

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2007.

***

The Toons followed the executive to a conference room, where several men and women-- humans-- waited.

A 26-year-old man with brown hair and blue eyes, wearing a US Army dress uniform, was arguing with a businessman. "I don't care what you say about GLOCK perfection, I'm not trading in my Springfield Armory 1911-A1 Operator for a piece of shit plastic pistol!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce the stars of XYZ Animation's newest project, 'Frozen Ragnarök'," the executive stated.

"Warrant Officer Johnny Tsurugi, US Army."

"Aimei Skorzeny-Wang. Eh, what am I doing here?"

"Lieutenant Colonel Linda Love, British Army. XO," executive officer, "of the UN Permanent Peacekeeping Force."

"General Yamato Isamu, Japanese Strategic Self-Defense Force. CO," commanding officer, "of the UN Permanent Peacekeeping Force."

"Sugar. Sexaroid copilot for ULTRA Zero."

"Spice. Sexaroid copilot for ULTRA One."

"Go on, Shiro," the executive ordered.

The boy nervously fidgeted. "I'm Yamato Shiro... the hero." He heard the men and women laugh. "Really!"

The men and women examined the Toons. "Where's the black guy?"

"The who?" the executive asked.

"The black guy or gal," the US Army serviceman repeated. "You know there are Black Americans living in the US, many of whom are soldiers, don't you? They got to be represented, or they'll take offense, and we'll need a refund," for the millions of dollars the US Army invested in the anime.

"Sergeant Zwolak is right," said a businessman. "Ford Motor Company cannot support a work that promotes racial discrimination."

"And the black guy must be one of the main characters, or he'll be a token black guy, and Black Americans will take offense, and we'll be back at square one."

The executive began to sweat. "The black guy is talking to the animators. I'll get him right away." He exited the room.

The US Army serviceman approached Johnny. "So you're the US Army's latest recruitment tool, aye?" He extended his hand. "I'm Stephen A. Zwolak, the military advisor"

Johnny examined at the insignia on Stephen's uniform-- Special Forces, Airborne, the rank of staff sergeant, awarded the Silver Star and the Combat Infantryman Badge-- as he shook the military advisor's hand. "It's an honor, Sergeant."

One of the businessmen approached Johnny. "You're the soldier, yes? I represent GLOCK," an arms manufacturer that invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in the anime. He opened a briefcase to reveal two semiautomatic pistols with flashlights mounted under the barrels. "The GLOCK 21SF equipped with the GLOCK Tactical Light, GTL 52. Use them well."

"Thank you, Sir." Johnny picked up each GLOCK pistol, examined it, and then holstered the weapons.

*

Black hands extended from the computer monitor and gripped the frame. An Afro emerged from the monitor. "Ha!" A 45-year-old black man jumped out of the monitor, performed a combat roll, and jumped to his feet.

"Hurry," the executive ordered.

The black man wore a US Army dress uniform. He dutifully followed the executive to the conference room. "Abraham Black. Lieutenant General, US Army. CO of the UN Permanent Peacekeeping Force."

"You are mistaken. I am CO of the UN Permanent Peacekeeping Force," Isamu corrected.

Abraham smiled. "Not anymore."

"General Black is correct," the executive stated. "We cannot risk offending Black Americans."

"But..."

"Don't worry, you still have an important role in 'Frozen Ragnarök'," the executive assured.

"But..."

"General Yamato, you may leave now."

Isamu glared at Abraham. "This is not over." He exited the room.

***

The executive and one of the businessmen lead the Toons-- minus Isamu-- to a hangar, where several cars were parked around two robots with cockpit hatches opened on their chests. Shiro now wore a blue flight suit.

"Shiro, Johnny, your mission is to pilot the Urban Locale Tactical Robotic Armors, or ULTRAs, in support of UN peacekeeping missions," the executive stated.

"Does it have a rear escape hatch with explosive bolts?" Johnny asked.

"No."

"Then modify the design. Put in a rear escape hatch with explosive bolts. Ideally, they should be triggered by an ejection seat or escape pod."

The executive frowned. "You're just a Toon! You have no right to demand changes to the ULTRAs' designs!"

Johnny put his right hand on his holster. "I refuse to pilot a deathtrap from which I cannot escape."

"I assure you, an ULTRA cockpit is the safest place you can be." The executive turned to the boy. "Shiro, Sugar, board ULTRA Zero."

The boy's mouth opened. "But..."

"Do it."

The boy's head bowed in resignation. "Yes, Sir." He turned to the robots. "Which one is ULTRA Zero?"

"The light red one," Sugar stated.

"The pink one?" The 23.7-meter-tall robot resembled a samurai with short wings on the back.

"It's light red, not pink," the silver-haired sexaroid corrected.

Shiro climbed a ladder beside ULTRA Zero, entered the cockpit, sat in the front seat, and fastened the safety belts. Sugar sat down behind him, plugged a cable into the back of her neck to interface with the main computer, and closed the hatch. "What am I supposed to do now?" the boy asked.

"Press the emergency start, the big red button."

"Emergency start... Here it is." Shiro pressed the button to start the robot's thermonuclear fusion reactor, which began to hum. Three multifunction displays (MFDs) began to display data as the main computer was turned on. Liquid crystal displays (LCDs), which covered the interior of the cockpit, began to display images taken by cameras installed at various points on the robot's torso.

"The joysticks control the arms. The pedals control the legs."

"Arms," Shiro put his right hand on the joystick on his right side, and his left hand on a bar on his left side, overlooking the joystick in the center of the console, "and legs," he put his feet on the pedals.

"Your left hand is on the," Sugar watched Shiro push the bar, and the ceiling rushed towards the cockpit as the leg-mounted booster rockets fired, "throttle." ULTRA Zero's head-- a sensor turret-- crashed into the ceiling, punching a hole in it, before the robot fell on its chest, shaking the parked cars.

An alarm was triggered; red lights flashed in the cockpit. Sugar pushed the joysticks, trying to make ULTRA Zero perform a pushup so she could open the hatch. The robot didn't move. The silver-haired sexaroid turned on the loudspeaker to say, "We have lost main power. ULTRA Zero is now immobile. We require assistance to exit the robot."

"Help!" Shiro cried.

The executive turned to Johnny. "Mister Tsurugi..."

"Get a forklift. I refuse to pilot that deathtrap," Johnny repeated.

"I'll help them." Spice turned to ULTRA One, but Johnny held his arm in front of her.

"If you want to help, get a forklift. Don't pilot that deathtrap."

"Yes, Master Johnny."

"Call me 'Mister Tsurugi,' okay?"

"Okay, Mister Tsurugi."

The executive sighed. "I'll get a forklift." He exited the hangar.

The businessman shrugged. "When you're not on a mission, you're to drive Fords and Lincolns," the businessman stated as opened a briefcase to reveal six sets of car keys.

Johnny pointed at the Ford F-150 FX4 pickup truck. "I'll take the truck." The businessman handed the keys to him.

Abraham extended his hand. "I want the luxury car," a Lincoln MKS. The businessman handed the keys to him, and raised another set of keys.

"Who wants to drive a Ford GT?" supercar.

Linda raised her hand and jumped up and down. "Me! Me!" The businessman handed the keys to her.

"The Mustang GT?" sports car.

"I do," Spice answered.

The businessman handed two sets of keys to the golden-haired sexaroid. "Give your sister the keys to the Taurus," four-door sedan.

"What about me?" Aimei asked.

"You were added to the cast at the last minute. I'm sorry, we don't have a car for you," the executive saw Aimei glare, and began to sweat, "yet."

[The Grim Squeaker]

"sexaroids" .

Amusing indeed, this parody is

[Sidewinder]

"sexaroids" .

I got the term from Bubblegum Crisis.

Amusing indeed, this parody is

Thank you.

[Sidewinder]

EDITED 13SEP2007
***

"I think you fall in love with Shiro, but because you're cursed to have the one you love fall in battle, you're afraid to express your love."

Aimei glared at the character designer. "You mean I have no meaningful role in 'Frozen Ragnarök'?"

The character designer began to sweat. "Actually, I don't know what your role is. I designed you because the director said we needed more moe," turn-on, "characters."

"Then I must be the one who defines my role."

"But you're not the scriptwriter."

Aimei drew her sword and pointed it at the character designer's throat. "I will define my role, and you will help me."

The character designer's eyes crossed to stare at the point of the sword. "Okay."

*

Isamu glared at the scriptwriter. "I no longer have a meaningful role?"

"You will have a meaningful role. I just need time to think it up," the scriptwriter stated.

"But I am the hero's father."

"The Americans ordered me to include the black guy, or XYZ Animation would have to refund their money. I can't defy them."

"Damn." Isamu heard the door open, and turned his head. "We're busy."

"I'm here to define my role," Aimei stated.

"You're the tsundere girl. You're supposed to be mean to the hero before you fall in love with him," the scriptwriter stated.

"You also cursed me to have the one you love fall in battle."

"For dramatic purposes."

"Change the curse to berserk rage."

"What?!"

"I want to be a berserker," Aimei stated.

"Why?!"

"So I can kick ass."

"But..."

Aimei drew her sword and pointed it at the scriptwriter's throat. "Change the curse to berserk rage."

The scriptwriter's eyes crossed to stare at the point of the sword. "Okay."

'An effective tactic,' Isamu thought.

*

Shiro and Sugar were freed 90 minutes later. Shiro, his bladder threatening to burst, rushed to the restroom. "Ahhhh!" He washed his hands and exited the restroom to see Aimei march down the hallway.

The woman now wore a black sports bra, German Army uniform trousers, and steel-toe boots. Sappenpanzer, trench armor issued by the German Army in World War I, protected her chest.

"Good morning..." Shiro felt Aimei put her hand on his chest and push him backwards. The boy looked down to see the qipao in his hands.

"Wear this. It looks good on you."

"But I'm a boy!" Shiro protested. Aimei ignored him as she marched away.

Shiro held the qipao in front of him, turned to a window, and stared at his reflection. "It makes me look pretty." The boy blushed. "I shouldn't..."

***

The executive led the Toons-- minus Aimei-- back to the hangar.

"We've redesigned the ULTRAs. They now have ejection seats and, in case the robot falls on its back, front escape hatches. Are you satisfied, Mister Tsurugi?"

The Toon in question examined the hatch on ULTRA One's abdomen. The 25.5-meter-tall robot was gray, covered with radar-absorbing material, and resembled a medieval knight with swept wings on the back.

Johnny, demonstrating his superhuman strength, jumped onto ULTRA One's shoulder. He looked down the hatch on the back of the robot's neck, climbed into the cockpit, and examined the ejection seats there. "The ULTRAs transform, don't they?"

"Yes," the executive answered.

"Tell me how to do it. I need to make sure the hatches aren't covered up when ULTRA One transforms."

Spice jumped onto the robot's shoulder. "Allow me." She sat down behind him, and pushed the emergency start button. "The transformation switch is on the throttle."

Johnny found the control-- up was for ASSAULT MODE, down was for CRUISE MODE-- and pushed it down. ULTRA One's arms slid down to touch the floor, becoming legs as toes unfolded from the back of the hands-turned-feet. The legs were lifted off the floor, and joined together to become a tail as fins unfolded from the sides. Claws extended from where the robot's shoulders were. The neck extended, and the mouth-- with teeth designed to crush concrete fortifications-- opened.

"Roarrrr!" The executive and the other Toons covered their ears.

"Impressive," Isamu exclaimed. The ULTRA One now resembled a cross between a Carnotaurus, a carnivorous dinosaur, and a F-117 Nighthawk stealth fighter.

Johnny stood up to look out of the still open hatch. Then he opened the front escape hatch, which triggered an alarm. "Good." He turned to Spice. "Make sure the crew chiefs replace the explosive bolts."

"Crew chiefs?"

"The people who perform maintenance on the ULTRAs."

"We don't have those people," the golden-haired sexaroid stated.

Johnny's head bowed in frustration. "Sigh."

[Shroom Man 777]

I leiks it. It's a total deconstruction of anime and, while being less dickish than your Jackass (great stuff btw), is still quite dickish in its own way.

Man.

Animus.

[Sidewinder]

Shiro knocked on the studio door, heard someone say, "Come in," and complied. "Good morning, Mister Character Designer, Mister Scriptwriter."

"Good morning, Shiro. We have good news and bad news," the scriptwriter stated.

The boy nervously fidgeted. "Bad news?"

"You didn't make much of an impression on the investors," the character designer stated.

"They thought Johnny was the hero," the scriptwriter added.

"The good news is we have an idea that will help you make a better impression." The character designer turned a computer monitor to Shiro.

The boy stared at the monitor, which showed a 14-year-old girl. Then Shiro felt his body change. His chest felt swollen, and he looked down to see static covering his body. "Ehhhh?!" The pitch of his voice became higher. He felt the wind tickle his legs as his pants became a skirt. Then the static cleared away to reveal his new body, which was identical to the girl's. "Mister Character Designer..."

The man moved behind the boy-turned-girl, and used two pink ribbons to tie her hair into two pigtails. "Finished."

"She looks so cute!" the scriptwriter exclaimed. "Let's call her Yamato Nadeshiko," after the Japanese ideal of a meek woman who'd make a good housewife.

"But..."

The executive entered the studio. "Are you done?" He stared at Shiro-turned-Nadeshiko. "Excellent!" The executive took the girl's hand. "It's time to introduce you to the investors. Hopefully, you'll make a better impression this time."

*

Stephen led Johnny, Linda, and the sexaroids to the dojo, a room for practicing martial arts. "I'm gonna kick your ass," the military advisor boasted.

"Impossible. My strength, speed, and endurance are limited by human imagination, not the human body; I can hit harder, faster, and for a longer time than you," Johnny stated.

Stephen smiled. "I'm gonna..."

Nadeshiko opened the door and peeked in. "Excuse me..."

"Hi, Shiro!" Linda embraced the girl, felt something different, and held her at arm's length. "Why are you dressed up like a girl?"

"The character designer and the scriptwriter, they changed me into a girl... changed my name to Nadeshiko... thought I would make a better impression on the investors..." The girl began to cry. "I don't know what to do now!"

"There, there." Linda embraced Nadeshiko again.

Stephen stared at Johnny, who asked, "What?"

"I'm trying to picture you as a girl," the military advisor answered.

The door opened again.

"Good afternoon, Aimei," Johnny greeted.

The tsundere girl now wore a Stahlhelm, a steel helmet issued by the German Army in World War I, with virtual reality (VR) visor attached to two bolts on the front of the helmet. "I've changed my name to Aizhan," Loves Battle.

Sugar noticed the weapon on Aizhan's back. "A chainsaw?"

Aizhan unhooked a latch, splitting the scabbard in half so she could draw the weapon. "It is a chainsword, a warrior's weapon, not a lumberjack's tool." Her thumb pressed a switch as her fingers squeezed the throttle; a turbine engine shrieked as it drove the cutting chain around the guide bar, whose length was equal to Aizhan's height. "Its name is Raven's Kiss."

"A good name." The silver-haired sexaroid drew her sword. "Mine is named Sakai Saburo," after a fighter pilot who served in World War II.

Aizhan smiled. "Do you wish to spar?"

Sugar sheathed Sakai Saburo. "With shinai," bamboo swords, "only."

Aizhan sheathed Raven's Kiss. "Fine." She lowered the visor to protect her eyes as her opponent put on bogu, protective gear. The two approached the sword rack and each took a shinai, before facing each other. "Yaaaa!" The tsundere girl lunged at the silver-haired sexaroid. Sugar parried Aizhan's thrust, and the sound of their shinai meeting was like thunder. The tsundere girl and the silver-haired sexaroid's shinai became blurs as they slashed, blocked, thrust, parried, and slashed again.

"Badass!" Stephen exclaimed.

Crack! Aizhan broke Sugar's shinai, sending the tip flying towards the audience.

Stephen ducked. "Yikes!" He didn't hear the broken tip hit the wall, and looked up; Johnny had caught the tip, demonstrating superhuman reflexes.

Sugar threw her broken shinai at Aizhan, who blocked the missile; the silver-haired sexaroid used the distraction to reach for the tsundere girl's throat.

Aizhan caught Sugar's hand. She began to transform into a werewolf-- black fur covered her body, her jaws lengthened as sharp teeth filled her mouth, her fingernails became claws, and a tail appeared. "Ah-wooooo!" She threw the silver-haired sexaroid through a wall.

Stephen stared at the hole in the wall, and then at the werewolf. "Whoa!"

Sugar drew Sakai Saburo as she reentered the dojo. "Round two."

Nadeshiko covered her ears. "Please stop fighting!" Tears flowed down her cheeks.

Sugar sheathed Sakai Saburo. "Yes, Mistress Nadeshiko." She turned to Aizhan. "We will determine who is stronger at a later time."

The tsundere girl transformed back to human form. "Fine."

[Redleader34]

Must Not Offend black Americans...

Ok, from there, you had me, with that part. MORE, and this is a great job. Also, I want to see the Super Vs Real argument, in this case.

[Shroom Man 777]

Woah! Seriously, turning Shinji into a womans was awesomes! A total pisstake on animu, but this chapter also sees an awesome battle (with ludicrous characters). And sexaroids!

[Sidewinder]

The executive led the Toons to the animation studio, which made Nadeshiko nervous. "Meet the villains of 'Frozen Ragnarök'."

"What about the maintenance crew for the ULTRAs?" Johnny asked.

"That can wait."

"Listen, poor maintenance will transform an ULTRA into a deathtrap, and I refuse to pilot a deathtrap."

'Of all the nerve!' "The character designer will design a maintenance crew for the ULTRAs. Just give him some time." The executive turned to a second group of Toons. "Please you introduce yourselves."

"I am General Beherit, leader of the Red Legion." The 40-year-old man was 220-centimeter-tall. He was bald, and had eyes so dark, they resembled bullet holes. The man wore a medieval knight's armor, painted red, with spikes on the shoulders. His left hand cradled a helmet with a demon mask forming the visor. He was armed with a machine pistol, which had a katana blade attached to the grip.

"I am Balthild Merovingian, Crown Princess of the Vampire Kingdom." The 18-year-old woman had black hair and violet eyes. She wore a silver tiara that resembled a bat with spread wings, a silver cross, a black leather corset, and a violet dress. Bat wings encircled her shoulders, making it seem as if she wore a leather cape. She was armed with a scythe and a rapier.

"Merovingian, not Dracula?" Johnny asked.

"We Merovingians are the descendants of Jesus Christ, who promised eternal life for his followers; a promise fulfilled when one becomes a vampire."

"Interesting."

"I am Polyphemus 01." The three-meter-tall robot resembled his namesake, a Cyclops. Antennas, resembling knife blades, crowned his head. He had sharp teeth; no one could guess what they were for. A MK47 grenade launcher was attached to each forearm, the weapons fed from two ammo boxes behind his shoulders.

The executive turned to the first group of Toons. "Nadeshiko, Johnny, Aimei..."

"Aizhan," the tsundere girl corrected.

"You will each choose an archenemy to face in battle."

"Before we begin, may I ask what my motivation is?" Beherit asked.

"Your motivation?"

"The reason I'm fighting against the heroes."

"You... are... uh... trying to take over the world!"

"But it seems the UN is attempting to do so, according to your description of the UN Permanent Peacekeeping Force," Beherit stated.

The executive began to sweat. "Uh..."

Aizhan drew Raven's Kiss and pointed the chainsword at Polyphemus 01. "You will be my archenemy."

Balthild turned to Aizhan. "I believe I am more suitable. After all, vampires are the traditional enemy of werewolves."

Aizhan didn't bother to turn her head. "I don't give a damn about tradition. I want to fight the killer robot."

"That is acceptable," the robot stated.

"Sigh." Balthild turned to Johnny, who approached Beherit and extended his hand.

"I guess you'll be my archenemy. I'm Johnny Tsurugi."

Beherit shook Johnny's hand. "It will be an honor to face you in battle."

The warrant officer pointed at the general's weapon. "A GLOCK 18C?"

"Yes."

"You should remove the sword blade; it unbalances the weapon, making it difficult to aim."

Beherit shrugged. "The character designer insisted on this design. I have no choice but to use it."

"Damn."

Balthild glided towards Nadeshiko. "You look delicious." The woman smiled as she caressed the girl's cheek, making Nadeshiko shiver. "I'll be seeing you."

[Darth Fanboy]

"We Merovingians are the descendants of Jesus Christ, who promised eternal life for his followers-- a promise fulfilled when one becomes a vampire."

This is a line I really like!

[Shroom Man 777]

What a bunch of outrageous villains. The robot seemed the least outrageous, actually.

Nevertheless, they seem RLY cool. Knight's armor painted black and red?! Damn, that's awesome.

[Sidewinder]

Stephen entered the pistol range to see Johnny, Spice, Abraham, and Beherit practicing marksmanship.

Abraham's right hand drew a GLOCK 21SF. He squeezed the trigger; the gunpowder in the 11.43 x 23 mm casing ignited, propelling the bullet through the target's head. The black man put the pistol in his left hand, squeezed the trigger, and sent a bullet through the target's neck. "I am badass." He continued to practice firing with his left hand; the bullet holes "crept" upwards, towards the first hole.

"Piece of shit!" Beherit cursed. As Johnny predicted, the sword blade unbalanced his weapon; Beherit's best efforts could only make the bullets graze the target.

Spice's forearm split open to let a rail guide a GLOCK 30 subcompact pistol mounting a GTL 52, from a hidden compartment in her forearm, to her hand. The golden-haired sexaroid squeezed the trigger, sending a bullet through the target's head.

Johnny stood with his back to the target. The warrant officer held his pistols behind his head and fired, hitting the target's chest and head every time. Then Spice began to imitate Johnny, with comparable accuracy.

"How do you do that?" Stephen asked.

"We installed cameras in the GTL 52s." Johnny unloaded one of his pistols and held it in front of Stephen. "They send images through my stigmata, my cybernetic implants, which are projected over the lower corners of my eyes."

Stephen took the pistol, examined it, and noticed a LED on the grip. "That's cool." Stephen returned the pistol to Johnny, who reloaded it. "Mind if I join you?"

"Feel free."

Stephen unbuttoned his jacket to reach the Springfield Armory 1911-A1 Operator semiautomatic pistol in his shoulder holster, and stood in the lane next to Johnny's. He drew the pistol, assumed the Weaver stance-- in which both hands held the pistol-- squeezed the trigger, and sent a bullet through the target's chest.

*

Balthild followed Nadeshiko and Sugar to the dojo.

"Are you sure?" Nadeshiko asked. "The dojo has windows; the sunlight might burn you."

"I am a dhampire, the child of a vampire father and a human mother. Sunlight will not harm me," Balthild stated.

"Okay." The girl opened the door and entered the dojo, followed by the silver-haired sexaroid and the dhampire.

Sugar approached the sword rack and took a shinai. "Let us begin," she said to Nadeshiko.

"Okay, Miss Sugar." Nadeshiko put on bogu and then approached the sword rack. To her surprise, Balthild also took a shinai.

"I wish to spar with you," she explained as she put her scythe on the sword rack.

The girl turned to the silver-haired sexaroid, who asked, "Shouldn't you wait until we begin filming?"

"If we know each other's limits, we can choreograph battle scenes between us more dramatically," the dhampire claimed.

"You have a point."

Balthild held her shinai like a rapier, and pointed it at Nadeshiko. "On guard." She glided forwards with superhuman speed; the tip of her shinai touched her opponent's throat.

"Gasp!" Nadeshiko stepped back, shocked at Balthild's speed.

"You should have parried my thrust, and then counterattacked."

"But you're too fast!" the girl cried.

"That is no excuse. You are my archenemy; you must make yourself worthy of that role."

Nadeshiko's head bowed in resignation. "Yes, Princess."

"Do not bow your head like a servant. Look me in the eyes with pride, for I have chosen you to be my archenemy."

Nadeshiko complied. "Yes, Princess."

"Now attack."

Nadeshiko's body began to glow, as if the girl had transformed into a light bulb. Her shinai traced a circle around her body. "Amaterasu... Descends!" She slashed to launch the attack, named for the Japanese sun goddess, sending a wave of psychokinetic energy towards her opponent.

Balthild glided sideways to dodge the incoming wave, which scorched the wall behind her. The dhampire glided forwards and slashed.

"Ite!" Nadeshiko put her right hand on her left shoulder.

"Your special move takes too long to set up," Balthild commented.

"But the character designer insisted on having a dramatic set up!"

"Tell the character designer to go to hell. You must make yourself a worthy opponent if you do not want the fans to dismiss you."

"Okay, Princess."

"Now attack."

The girl's body began to glow again. "Amaterasu..."

"Do not call out the name of your special move; it gives your opponent a warning and allows him or her to counter your move."

The light became dim. "Okay." It became bright again as Nadeshiko raised her shinai. "Yaaaa!" She slashed.

Balthild lunged, sending a beam of psychokinetic energy towards her opponent; the energies annihilated each other, scorching the floor. "You are improving." She closed the distance. Her arm was like a machine gun; Nadeshiko was barely able to parry Balthild's thrusts. Then the dhampire's left hand reached up to remove Nadeshiko's helmet.

"Eh?" The girl felt the dhampire's lips upon her own, burning them. Nadeshiko stepped back, shocked at what Balthild did. "Princess!"

"I was right; you are delicious." The dhampire smiled, which made the girl nervous.

[Shroom Man 777]

YESSES! And you know why I say that!

And that was a badass sparring session. Oddly enough, the deconstructions seem to be making these guys cooler and badasser than other animu characters.

I need to borrow some concepts. Like dumb animu characters who mouth off their moves getting pwned by everyone.

[Sidewinder]

The tsundere girl marched into the hangar, where the businessman waited.

"Good morning... Miss Aimei?" The businessman barely recognized the tsundere girl. The Sappenpanzer, redesigned to protect her back and shoulders as well as the front of her body, was worlds apart from the qipao.

"I've changed my name to Aizhan." She turned to a Lincoln Navigator sport utility vehicle (SUV). "Is that my car?"

"Yes." The businessman handed the keys to her.

"Thanks." Aizhan opened the door and drove towards the hangar door.

Polyphemus 01 approached the SUV, which stopped beside him. "What is your destination?"

"The rifle range," Aizhan answered. "I wish to practice my marksmanship."

"May I accompany you?"

Aizhan opened the door to the cargo compartment. "Get in the back."

"Thank you." Polyphemus 01 folded his legs against his body to fit himself in the space provided, and closed the door. Then Aizhan drove through the hangar door.

At the rifle range, Aizhan took a M25 grenade launcher from the passenger seat.

Polyphemus 01 exited the cargo compartment. "Why is your weapon equipped with a bayonet?"

"I'm a berserker. I thrive in CQC," close quarters combat. Aizhan's left hand held the M25. The tsundere girl extended her arm, aiming the weapon at a target. She squeezed the trigger; the gunpowder in the 25 x 40 mm casing ignited, propelling the training round into the ground in front of the target.

"Your accuracy will improve if you weld the stock against your shoulder and support the barrel with your other hand," the robot noted.

"It will also improve with practice. Besides, I intend to hold my chainsword in my other hand." Aizhan squeezed the trigger repeatedly; the training rounds "crept" towards the target.

Polyphemus 01 confirmed that Aizhan's accuracy was improving. 'She will be a formidable opponent.' "What is reason you became a berserker?"

The tsundere girl sent a training round through the target's chest. "Are you programmed to be curious?"

"I am programmed to gather all available information on an enemy, in order to better fight them."

Another hole appeared in the target's chest. "I want to kick ass."

"According to the scriptwriter, your original role would have you do so."

"Until I fall in love with the hero; then I'll become weak and in need of his protection. I don't want to be a damsel in distress; I want to be a damsel who causes distress." Aizhan reloaded and began to practice firing with her right hand.

'Should I also reconsider my role?' The robot pondered this question as he stood in the lane next to the tsundere girl, extended his arms, and began to rain training rounds on the target.

[Sidewinder]

EDITED 22SEP2007

EDITED AGAIN 25SEP2007-- I increased ULTRA One's firepower

EDITED AGAIN 06OCT2007-- I redesigned Beherit's weapon

***

Johnny, Spice, and Beherit waited in the hangar. The warrant officer pointed at his archenemy's weapon; the katana blade was now mounted under the pistol barrel, like a bayonet. "Crimson Trace Lasergrips?"

"Yes." Beherit drew his weapon, which mounted a laser sight; a red dot was projected on the wall. "The mechanical designer was very angry when I told him about the modifications, because my mount's main weapon would also have to be modified; I had to demonstrate the weapon's inaccuracy," by firing it at the mechanical designer, to make him agree with me."

"A better idea would be to remove the sword blade."

Beherit shrugged. "I wish I could."

The executive led Nadeshiko, Sugar, and 16 beautiful young women of various ethnic backgrounds-- Toons-- to the hangar. "Here's the maintenance crew you requested."

Johnny examined the women, many of whom were distinguishable only by their hairstyles. 'The character designer is damn lazy.' "Who are the crew chiefs?"

A 26-year-old Latina and a 30-year-old Japanese woman approached him. "Sergeant Lara Cruz, crew chief for ULTRA One."

Johnny shook the Latina's hand. "I expect you to prevent my ULTRA from becoming a deathtrap."

Lara smiled. "You can count on me, Sir."

The Japanese woman bowed. "I am Yamato Sakura, crew chief for ULTRA Zero."

Johnny stared at Sakura, and then at Nadeshiko. "Your mother?"

"She's my aunt," the girl answered.

"My elder sister, Nadeshiko's mother, died when Nadeshiko was six. I cared for my niece as my brother-in-law focused his attention on the ULTRA Project," the woman explained.

Johnny turned to Sakura. "I expect you to be extra careful with ULTRA Zero's maintenance."

"I will be."

"Where is the maintenance crew for my robot?" Beherit asked.

'Damn you, Tsurugi!' "The character designer is designing them right now," the executive answered.

Johnny turned to Lara. "What is ULTRA One's status?"

"Full fuel tanks, full complement of 155 mm HE," high explosive, "full complement of 30 mm TP," target practice, "full complement of Stingers; she's ready to go," the Latina answered.

Johnny turned to Spice. "Let's take ULTRA One around the block."

"Yes, Mister Tsurugi." The golden-haired sexaroid followed her master into the cockpit. ULTRA One began to walk towards the hangar door.

The executive turned to Nadeshiko. "It's time for you fly ULTRA Zero."

The girl nervously fidgeted. "But..."

"Get in the cockpit."

Nadeshiko's head bowed in resignation. "Yes, Sir."

Sakura embraced her niece. "Don't worry, I won't let anything bad happen to you."

"Thank you, Aunt Sakura." Nadeshiko and Sugar climbed the ladder and entered the cockpit. "What am I supposed to do?" the girl asked.

"Do as Mister Tsurugi does," the silver-haired sexaroid answered.

ULTRA Zero followed ULTRA One to the hangar door. ULTRA One jumped into the air and transformed, the rocket engines accelerating the Carnotaurus to a velocity where its back-mounted scramjet engines were effective.

ULTRA Zero imitated ULTRA One. The robot transformed-- the radome unfolded from the chest to cover the head, the arms retracted into the body, and fins unfolded from the sides of the legs-- to resemble the X-15 rocket plane. The ULTRAs flew towards the artillery range, where the wreckages of robots, piloted by hero and villain alike in past works of anime, sat on the ground.

Nadeshiko stared at the wreckages. "What are they?"

"Targets," Johnny answered. ULTRA One transformed to assault mode and hovered over the artillery range. Rails guided 155 mm howitzers with targeting pods mounted under the barrels, from the weapons bays in ULTRA One's forearms, to its hands; the weapons resembled giant GLOCK 21SFs mounting giant GTL 52s. The howitzers, four FIM-92X Stinger missile launchers mounted on the shoulders-- cruise mode's forearms-- and two head-mounted GAU-13/A Gatling gun targeted a wreckage. Johnny's helmet projected crosshairs over the wreckage. "Targeting, go." He fired the GAU-13/A; the gunpowder in the 30 x 173 mm casings ignited at a rate of 2400 rounds per minute, propelling a dozen TP shells into the target's head. "Gat," Gatling gun, "go." Johnny aimed the howitzers in two different directions; his cybernetic implants displayed images of his targets on the lower corners of his eyes. The howitzers fired HE shells at the targets, launching them into the air; the wreckages performed somersaults before they returned to the ground. "Howitzers, go."

Then an alarm warned Johnny that a weapons system was targeting ULTRA One. "What the...?" The warrant officer pushed the right joystick and the throttle; the robot somersaulted, dodging a plasma beam. "Who...?"

An 18-meter-tall white robot, which resembled a samurai, rocketed towards ULTRA One. "Charles!" the pilot radioed as the white robot attached a plasma rifle to the small of its back, freeing its right hand so it could draw a metal rod from its left hip. The rod projected a nine-meter-long electromagnetic field containing superheated plasma, which formed a katana blade. "I will avenge Sakura Stoner!" The robot slashed.

ULTRA One flew backwards, dodging the slash. "Spice, Gat, disable the bandit's," enemy robot's, "sensors," Johnny ordered as he fired two HE shells at the white robot, which blocked the shots, demonstrating the pilot's skill.

"Roger." Spice aimed the GAU-13/A at the white robot's eyes. She fired, blinding the white robot's main cameras.

The pilot turned on a backup camera in the robot's chest. "Sakuraaaa!"

The right howitzer retracted to free ULTRA One's hand, which drew a chainknife from the weapons bay in its right calf; the weapon resembled a giant GLOCK Survival Knife 81. The white robot slashed again. ULTRA One moved to the white robot's right side, dodging the slash as it stabbed the white robot's right armpit. The chainknife's turbine engine shrieked as the weapon severed the white robot's right arm. Johnny fired the left howitzer at point blank range; the HE shell pierced the armor on the white robot's back, launched the white robot towards the ground, and then exploded.

"Mister Tsurugi!" The battle was over by the time ULTRA Zero drew its Psycho Sword.

ULTRA One severed the white robot's left arm, left and right legs, and-- in case it had head-mounted weapons-- the head. "Return to base," Johnny ordered.

*

The maintenance crew was surprised when ULTRA One carried the white robot's wreckage to the hangar.

Johnny radioed, "I've captured an EPW," enemy prisoner of war. "Where are your weapons?"

"In the armory," Lara radioed.

"Get them." Johnny watched the maintenance crew run out of the hangar, and waited for the women to return, armed with Heckler & Koch MP7A1 machine pistols. "I'm going to get the EPW out of the cockpit. Get ready." The women took cover and aimed their weapons at the wreckage. ULTRA One's chainknife cut open the hatch on the white robot's chest.

A 15-year-old boy emerged from the white robot's cockpit. "Charles!" He drew a semiautomatic pistol, aimed it at ULTRA One, and then noticed the US Army insignia on the robot. "Wait, you're not Charles Assyria." He lowered the weapon.

"Freeze!" "Throw your weapon over here!" "Do it, or you're Swiss cheese!" the women ordered.

"Don't shoot!" The boy threw his pistol towards Lara.

"Identify yourself!" the Latina ordered.

"I'm Amano Rei, the hero of 'Mechanized Striker Gunboy'," the boy stated.

Johnny turned on the loudspeaker. "Why the hell did you attack me?"

"I thought you were Charles Assyria, my archenemy, who murdered the girl I love," the boy explained. "Your robot was right where I was supposed to fight Charles' new MS," mechanized striker.

"Do you usually shoot first, ask questions later?"

"No. I often ask my superiors and my peers why we're fighting..."

"I mean, do you usually shoot without first identifying your target and making sure you won't hit an innocent bystander?"

The boy's head bowed in shame. "Yes."

'Damn kid,' Johnny thought.

*

Stephen sat in the break room, drinking coffee. The door opened. "Good morning, Mister Tsurugi."

"Good morning, Sergeant." Johnny marched to the coffee maker and poured himself a cup.

"Is it true you scrapped one of those Gunboy robots?" One of the military advisor's friends was a fan of 'Mechanized Striker Gunboy'.

Johnny sat down in front of Stephen. "Yes."

"Good. That means you're badass."

Johnny took a sip. "The Gunboy pilot was a 15-year-old. He wasn't a serious threat, despite the Gunboy's superior firepower."

"Why would anyone want a 15-year-old...?" Stephen remembered that Nadeshiko was a 14-year-old. "Never mind. Where's the Gunboy pilot now?"

"He called Rising Sun," the company that created 'Mechanized Striker Gunboy', "and had someone pick up him and his Gunboy. Apparently the artillery range was overbooked; the ULTRAs were there the same time the Gunboy was supposed to fight a MS."

"That's FUBAR," fucked up beyond all repair.

Johnny took another sip. "Agreed."

Abraham entered the break room, marched in front of Johnny, and extended his hand. "Congratulations."

Johnny rose to attention. "Sir?"

"Just shake my hand." Abraham waited for Johnny to comply. "You just kicked the ass of a robot from a rival company. That's something to be proud of."

"The pilot was a 15-year-old. That's nothing to be proud of."

"Why is the robot pilot always a 14, 15, 16-year-old?" Stephen asked.

"So the viewers-- many of whom are 14, 15, 16-year-olds-- can relate to them," Abraham answered.

"Hell, I can relate to Johnny just fine. Why can't the viewers do the same?"

Abraham shrugged. "It's a Japanese thing. We Americans just don't understand."

[Shroom Man 777]

Badass. I so totally love the nonlinear plot. The setting and stuff is mostly just natural normal anime stuff, but the plot isn't!

[Sidewinder]

Badass.

Thank you.

I so totally love the nonlinear plot. The setting and stuff is mostly just natural normal anime stuff, but the plot isn't!

Honestly, I'm making this up as I go along, unlike my other fan fics.

[Sidewinder]

Beherit's Battle Armor, Advanced Locomotion (BAAL), a forward-swept wing plane resembling a claymore, a Scottish great sword, rained 9M120 Vikhr antitank missiles on the Gepard air defense vehicles defending the UN base; the air defense vehicles transformed into fireballs. BAAL transformed into a 29.8-meter-tall demon, and drew its 125 mm cannon/Devil Sword combination weapon; the laser sight projected a red dot on the hangar roof. "Attack!"

Polyphemus 01 lead Polyphemus drones, distinguished from him by their lack of the antennas crowning their commander's head, out of the Antonov An-72 transport plane flying over the UN base. Parachutes and leg-mounted booster rockets slowed their descent towards the hangar.

Aizhan transformed. "Ah-wooooo!" The werewolf's VR visor displayed the robots in red, distinguishing them from friendly forces. She jumped into the air and slashed. Polyphemus 01 caught her chainsword, which began to cut into the robot's hand. Aizhan aimed her M25 at Polyphemus 01's chest. She squeezed the trigger as the robot threw her towards the runway; the high explosive airbursting grenade blew a hole in the robot's chest, but missed Polyphemus 01's thermonuclear fusion reactor.

Aizhan somersaulted in midair to land on her feet as the Polyphemus drones also began to land. She charged towards the robots, which aimed their MK47s at the werewolf; the gunpowder in the 40 x 53 mm casings ignited at a rate of 300 rounds per minute, propelling hundreds of smart grenades towards Aizhan. The werewolf sheathed her chainsword, tucked in her arms and legs, and rolled forwards as the smart grenades airburst behind her; she ignored the pain from the shrapnel piercing her skin, trusting in her regeneration abilities to prevent the injuries from becoming life threatening, and then launched herself towards the nearest robot.

Aizhan squeezed the trigger; the high explosive airbursting grenade blew the Polyphemus drone's head into the air. The robot used a backup camera in its chest to aim its MK47s at the werewolf. Aizhan drew her chainsword as she squeezed the trigger again; the second grenade hit the Polyphemus drone's reactor, transforming the robot into a fireball.

The werewolf charged towards the next nearest robot, dodging incoming grenades as she slashed. The chainsword cut through the Polyphemus drone's right elbow, its torso, and then its left elbow; the robot's head, chest, and upper arms fell onto the runway. The Polyphemus drone's elbows dug into the runway as it crawled towards Aizhan; its mouth opened to bite her left ankle. The werewolf slashed again, launching the robot's head into the air.

In the hangar, Sakura calmly put her hands on Nadeshiko's shoulders. The rest of the maintenance crew took cover behind toolboxes and packing crates, aiming their MP7A1s at the robots approaching the hangar; the women hoped infrared (IR) tabs on their uniforms would make Aizhan's VR visor display them in blue, and that the werewolf wouldn't accidentally attack them. "Nadeshiko, you must pilot ULTRA Zero and defend the base; the enemy will kill everyone here if you don't."

"But..."

Sakura embraced her niece. "Do not be afraid. Trust in your training and your abilities."

Nadeshiko returned the embrace. "Aunt Sakura..." She looked up to meet Sakura's gaze. "I won't let the enemy hurt you." The girl climbed into the ULTRA cockpit, where Sugar was waiting. "ULTRA Zero, launch!" The pink robot marched to the hangar door.

Polyphemus 01 ordered the drones to split into two groups; group one engaged Aizhan and the rest of the UN base's defenders, while Polyphemus 01 lead group two towards the hangar. "Destroy the ULTRA." Polyphemus 01 and the drones rained smart grenades on ULTRA Zero; yellow gridlines appeared on the pink robot's armor as its structural integrity field resisted the blows.

ULTRA Zero drew its Psycho Sword, which burned white as Nadeshiko's psychokinetic powers were conducted through the blade. The pink robot slashed, sending a wave of energy towards the Polyphemus drones.

Polyphemus 01 jumped into the air, dodging the energy that blew the drones in half. The bisected drones continued to rain smart grenades on ULTRA Zero, but it was clear their weapons were unable to destroy the pink robot. ULTRA Zero fired its head-mounted M61A2 Gatling gun; the gunpowder in the 20 x 102 mm casings were ignited at a rate of 6000 rounds per minute, propelling semi-armor piercing high explosive incendiary (SAPHEI) shells into the drones, shattering their bodies.

"Polyphemus 01, retreat," Beherit ordered. "I will deal with the ULTRA."

"Affirmative." Polyphemus 01 lead the surviving drones away from the hangar as BAAL landed in front of ULTRA Zero.

The Red Legion robot aimed its weapon at the pink robot; the laser sight projected a red dot on ULTRA Zero's chest. "I send you on your journey... to hell!" Clang! "Damn it!"

"Cut!" The director approached BAAL. "What the hell happened?"

Beherit turned on the loudspeakers. "My HUD," head-up display, "reads, '120 MM LOAD ERROR'." BAAL's maintenance crew, a group of Middle Eastern men, approached the Red Legion robot as it removed the weapon's magazine. "What the...? Some idiot put in the 125 millimeter shells backwards!" BAAL pointed the Devil Sword at its maintenance crew. "Who's the armorer?" Fingers were pointed at a bearded man. BAAL's left foot rose and then came down upon the bearded man, crushing him. "If you make this mistake again, I will inflict upon you to such pain, such suffering, that hell will seem like paradise. Do you understand?"

A bulge appeared in the bearded man-turned-pancake as he inhaled. "Yes... Master..."

The executive approached the director. "How long will this delay filming?"

"It will take two to three hours for the maintenance crew to unload the magazine, inspect the shells to make sure they are not damaged-- I do not want the weapon to explode when I squeeze the trigger-- and reload the magazine," Beherit answered.

"Damn it!"

ULTRA One, which was in position to shoot BAAL in the back, landed. "What happened?" Johnny radioed.

"The armorer put in the 125 millimeter shells backwards," Beherit answered. "We cannot resume filming until the maintenance crew unloads the magazine, inspects the shells to make sure they are not damaged, and reloads the magazine."

Johnny knew how long this would take. "We might as well take a lunch break now. The good guys and I are going to Burger King," a fast food restaurant. "Wanna come?"

"Sure." BAAL marched into the hangar that Beherit intended to destroy; then the Red Legion leader exited the cockpit. The maintenance crew-- minus the armorer-- approached the Red Legion robot and began to perform maintenance as the ULTRA One entered the hangar.

Beherit watched the beautiful young women approach the ULTRAs. "You get a maintenance crew composed of beautiful but competent young women. I get a maintenance crew composed of men incompetent enough to fuck up badly enough to delay filming by two to four hours. It is not fair."

Johnny shrugged. "It's good to be one of the good guys." He led Beherit to the parking lot.

[Shroom Man 777]

That is SO awesome. Seriously. And the fact that they're not only living battles, but living them and filming them for television purposes...it's like a reality TV show in anime, or an anime in a reality TV show!

[Sidewinder]

That is SO awesome. Seriously.

Thank you.

By the way, the "putting in ammo backwards" was something that actually happened when I was in basic training-- one of the privates who was put on a detail to load M16 magazines, actually put the ammo in backwards.

[Redleader34]

I want to read more of this work. Great Job, keep it up, and have more humor. Top Ten precent!

[Sidewinder]

The convoy drove towards Burger King.

Stephen turned to Beherit, who sat next to him in Abraham's car. "So you're the bad guy who's trying to take over the world?"

"Yes, although I consider that goal to be ludicrous."

"Hey, all the great villains want to take over the world. You got to aim high." Stephen felt the car slow down. "What's up?"

Abraham watched Johnny and Spice exit the F-150 FX4, pistols in their hands, and approach the high school the vehicles was parked in front of. "He's not gonna..." He watched tentacles, encircling three teenaged girls, appear over the walls surrounding the school. "Damn."

The warrant officer used his pistol-mounted camera to look through the school gates. "Howitzers."

"Yes, Mister Tsurugi." The golden-haired sexaroid used her link to ULTRA One to turn on the loudspeakers. "Scramble, scramble, scramble," a warning that sent the maintenance crew running away from the robot; then Spice remotely piloted ULTRA One out of the hangar.

Johnny stepped in front of the gates. "Release the hostages!" The tentacle demon's eyes burned; the warrant officer instinctively ran sideways, dodging the beam of light reaching from the demon's eyes to scorch the ground where he once stood. Johnny put a bullet in each of the demon's eyes, demonstrating superhuman skill.

"Shriek!" The tentacles slammed against the ground as the blinded demon tried to counterattack. Johnny holstered his right pistol, drew the GLOCK Survival Knife 81 from the sheath strapped to his boot, and slashed.

The severed tentacle released a girl. "What the hell are you doing?!" the girl demanded.

"Run away as fast as you can." Johnny somersaulted over a flailing tentacle, slashed again, and freed the second girl.

"Stop it!" the first girl shouted as she ran after Johnny; then a tentacle slammed against her belly, knocking her through the gates.

Spice pulled the girl behind the wall. "Are you injured?"

The girl pointed at the battle raging behind the wall. "You got to stop him! He's ruining everything!"

"We will."

The second and third girls followed Johnny behind a building. "You're not supposed to rescue us!" "Who the hell are you?!"

The warrant officer's arm reached out from behind cover to aim a pistol at the demon, designating him as a target. "Howitzers, fire on these coordinates."

"Roger," the golden-haired sexaroid replied. At the UN base, ULTRA One fired two 155 mm rocket-assisted projectiles (RAPs).

"Where are you?!" the demon demanded as his tentacles reached for the walls. A global positioning satellite (GPS) guided the RAPs to the demon; the HE warheads blew him to pieces, covering the building and the walls with purple slime.

"Target neutralized," Johnny radioed to Spice.

A director and his assistant approached the warrant officer. "Do you realize what you've done?! Who the hell are you, anyways?"

"One of the good guys."

"The script didn't have you blow up Adonis!"

Johnny frowned. "Script?"

"The script for 'Nymphomaniac High School', the OAV," original animation video, "we're filming!"

Sirens wailed. "I just called the police," the assistant reported, a cellular phone in his hand. "They'll deal with this guy."

[Shroom Man 777]

...man. That was...

He killed a tentacle rape monster that was the actor for some freaky hentai! Man.

Awesome.

[Sidewinder]

Johnny sat in the interrogation room, facing a policewoman with blood-red hair and dark eyes.

The policewoman held a card in her hand. "License to run rampant," which all Toons were required to carry, "number 18JUN1981?"

"Yes."

The policewoman wrote down the number. "Why did you intervene in the shooting?"

"I saw the schoolgirls being lifted into the air by the monster's tentacles; I thought they in danger, and intervened to help them."

The policewoman continued to write. "What made you think they were in danger?"

"The tentacles were reaching under the girls' underwear. In the back of my helmet, you'll find a flash drive; it has a recording of the engagement."

"I'll ask Sergeant Mays to examine it," the policewoman said.

"You're not going to view the recording?"

"I have McKellan's Syndrome, which magnetizes the hemoglobin in my blood; electronics and I don't mix."

"Interesting."

The policewoman began to ask questions about how Johnny defeated the tentacle demon, and wrote down his answers. After 15 minutes, she rose to attention. "Thank you for your time, Mister Tsurugi. We may have further questions for you. Is there a number where you can be reached?"

"1-678-501-1991," Johnny answered as he rose to attention. "You served in the Army, right?"

"How can you tell?"

"Your bearing."

"I attended basic training, but was unable to graduate because my body..." The policewoman blushed. "Whenever I touched a rifle, the firing pin would be magnetically locked in place, and the rifle wouldn't fire."

"Is that why you wear a daisho?" a set of long and short swords, which hung from a leather belt encircling the policewoman's waist.

"Yes."

"I'm sure you were a good soldier despite your condition."

The policewoman smiled. "Thank you, Mister Tsurugi."

The warrant officer extended his hand. "Call me Johnny."

The policewoman shook the warrant officer's hand. "I'm Anna."

*

The executive was fuming when the convoy returned to the UN base. "Mister Tsurugi, do you realize what you've done?" he demanded as the warrant officer exited the F-150 FX4.

"I acted to save the lives of three innocent women," Johnny answered.

"They're H-anime characters! Toon whores! They're not innocent!"

Stephen approached the executive. "Can you hook me up with those H-anime characters?"

The executive frowned at the military advisor, as if the man had grown a second head. "You want to have sex with an H-anime character?"

"Just to see what it's like. It won't be fair if Johnny's the only guy to paint pipes," slang for relationships between humans and Toons.

Johnny frowned at Stephen. "Explain."

"I saw the looks that cop was giving you. Admit it," the military advisor winked at the warrant officer, "you wanna paint her pipes."

"What about the lawsuit Pink Star," the company that created 'Nymphomaniac High School', "is filing?"

Aizhan held Raven's Kiss in front of the executive. "I will deal with Pink Star." She smiled as the chainsword shrieked.

"But...!" The executive watched Aizhan enter her SUV, start the engine, and drive away. "Damn Toons!" He stomped away from the hangar.

30 minutes later, the XYZ Animation executive received a telephone call from a Pink Star executive, announcing that the company was withdrawing the lawsuit. "I guess they're good for something after all."

[Ford Prefect]

I was snickering the whole way through this. Really quite clever.