StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Colonel Shchippers recieved a beep from his intercom, accompianied by a small green light.

"Enter"

The blue-green door slid open to reveal Corporal Simmons, looking quite pleased with himself. Schippers stood up.

"Ah, Simmons my friend! How are you? I trust your mission went well?"

Simmons hesitated for a brief moment.

"Erm, not as well as it could have, I'm afraid comrade Schippers. The capitalist dogs did not take too well to me trying to infiltrate their main database and sent a nuclear missle to the exact co-ordinates of my wife."

Schippers looked shocked.

'I'm sure you must be outraged!"

"Not really comrade, its a proffessional hazard that comes with the job, I'm afraid."

"Oh... I see..." Schippers said, in quite the same fashion as one who did not see at all.

"Thats not all though, comrade! They've implanted a small chip into my brain causing me to kill your wife too! They've got a thing for killing peoples wives, I think."

There was a small pause. Then a greater pause.

"Comprade Simmons, I, erm, don't have a wife..."

"Actually sir, yes you do, see there was a bit of a mixup with the papers concerning Lovejoy's wedding (you know Lovejoy, don't you sir? good.) and your volunteering to help preserve an endangered species of gazell!"

Schippers did not like where this was headed.

"And, erm, what of this mixup, comrade Simmons?"

"Well sir, you are now married to a memeber of said endangered species of gazell, whilst Lovejoy has since been preserving an endangered species of his fiancee."

"Where is this gazell right now, Simmons?"

"In the medical ward, sir, along with ninteen others. Apparently they've been working there for several years."

"Look, I don't care about any gazells right now, comrade. I don't care if you've shot one, I don't care if they are working in our medical ward. In fact, I don't care about much right now so I think I'll start caring about your situation. Are you planning on getting a girlfriend, comrade?"

"I've already got one, Colonel, I'm taking it steady with one of the gazell's in the medical ward!"

And then Colonel Schippers fainted.

So what do you think? If its any good I might expand it into something else, but if not I think I'll just let it be a short story...

What the Christ?

Its funny, great joke. Well done. Also, your dad runs TalkOrigins?

Yeah, he runs it. The hate-mail isn't nearly as funny as Mike's though...

EDIT: On the subject of my fic, it will be given in short installments, as ideas come into my mind. Some installments will be of a couple dozen paragraph, others will be of six. I'm not pleased about this either, but thats just how my mind is working at the moment.

Colonel Schippers was having a very pleasant dream about a scantily clad woman who was about to cross the line between scantily clad to not clad at all, whilst at the same time making controversial gestures with a bannana, when he woke up inside the medical ward.

Or at least, he thought it was the medical ward. He had never actually seen the medical ward before. He was just about to attempt to re-engage into the world with the scantily clad woman and her bannana, when a gazell walked slowly into the room. There was a bouquett of flowers in its mouth, which it slowly released upon Schippers chest. Then, in an almost mournful fashion, it trudged back out of the room again.

Schippers brain attempted to grasp the implications of this somewhat random occurance, but his brain was at this time in no condition to do anything except project images of women and bannanas. This was because, he concluded, he had just fainted.

Why was that?

"We are sorry" his brain replied, "The memory you are trying to access is experiencing loading problems. Please hold while we try to correct this problem. While you wait, here is a woman and a bannana."

Schippers, in no mood to argue with his brain, gladly accepted the woman and bannana, and fell back to sleep.

"Lieutenant?" Chirped the secretaries voice from the intercom.

"Yes?"

"The Colonel wants you to take responsibility of the database infiltration project. The medical ward says he'll be in their care for a few weeks, and he wants you to do it for him."

"Will do, thanks."

"How did Corporal Simmons misson go, Lucy?" Lieutenant Foley asked his network terminal.

"Not very well I'm afraid, comrade" the mechanical, faintly feminin sounding voice "The enemy caught him while he was using their bandwidth."

"What the devil was he on the internet for??"

"Hang on, accessing now. According to his computer that he used to access into the internet, the google search was for... hang on, it looks a little hard to pronounce..."

A holographic image projected on top of his desk.

"Teh Pr0n?"

"That's, right, comrade, although the term is not in my vocabulary base."

"No, I should imagine it is not. Anyway, what happened after they found him?"

"Well, after that, they fired a nuclear missle at his wife."

Foley frowned. "Thats the fifth this month. Right... I had hoped it wouldn't come to this... Lucy? Call for... Steward!"

The phone call came early in the morning. The cars had not yet begun to drive by, the birds had not yet begun to chirp.

A somewhat hesitant hand answered it.

"H-hello?"

"Are you Stewart Davies?"

"Y-yeah, thats me... Erm, how can I help you?"

"We understand that you can provide elegant solutions to our unsovlable problems... for a price."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what I do man."

"Very well. We have a proposition for you. You will notice a car has just parked itself outside your residence. Go inside, and you will be driven to our headquarters where you will be briefed."

The phone call ended.

Quick as a flash, Stewart slid down the ladder from his cubby house down to the lawn, had his mother make a peanut butter sandwich, and said goodbye to his two co-workers.

"Billy-bob, Bobby-joe, I'm going away for a while. I need you to take care of the lemonade stand while I'm gone."

"Buut Stewie!" Billy-bob erupted "We ain't knowin' how!"

"C'mon guys, I know you can do it. You've got to!"

And with that somewhat short bid of farewell, he hopped into the black car. And in the rear view mirror he saw who his driver was.

It was a gazell.

Comments are appreciated.

I really didn't think it was that funny.

Also, it's "Gazelle".

I feel cut now.

You wanted comments, I provided them. I just don't think "random = funny".