StarDestroyer.Net BBS

On board the fabulous space battleship Arcadia, Captain Harlock considers the problem of the starship Enterprise and her cunning Captain James T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise.

"Are you sure about this, Daiba?"
"totally, cap'n, they're blaring it on all the spaceradio talk shows about how Kirk's saying you're a weirdo for hanging out with Mayu."
"I may forgive many offenses from Earthmen, but this is too much. [A SHINY LIGHT SHINES IN HARLOCK'S EYE BRIEFLY] Prepare Arcadia for launch!"
"hey man why do you hang out with a little retarded girl anyway?"
"...Mayu is not retarded. She is five."
"Uh, no, Philippe is five. Mayu is seven."
"Oh, right. Sorry. My bad. v^_^;v Come on, let's go beat up Kirk. ARUCAHDIA-GO HASHIN!!!1"
[ARCADIA BLASTS OFF]


Meanwhile, aboard the Starship Enterprise

"Jim, Starfleet Command just radioed with orders. We're to find Arcadia and take Captain Harlock into custody."
"Goddamnit Spock that's bullshit and you know it. We don't use 'radio', we use subspace."
"oh i see so how would you phrase it"
"Uh, well, Starfleet Command just... uh... subspaced...?"
[SPOCK RAISES HIS "yeah, whatever" EYEBROW AND WALKS OVER TO UHURA'S STATION, JUST BEHIND HER SO HE CAN GET THE BEST ANGLE DOWN HER BLOUSE. YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. IT'S PRETTY SWEET.]
"Whatever. Look, just get on with being The Captain."
"FINE I WILL."


Meanwhile...

"Captain! We've found the Enterprise! 45 degrees to starboard, ten degrees positive elevation, 600 space kilometers and closing!"
[what the fuck is a "space kilometer"]
"Very good, Kei. All engines ahead full! Ready main pulsar cannons!"
[KEI WALKS OVER TO THE BLOODTHIRSTY JERK DIABA]
"Daiba-kun... I just wanted you to know that, in case we don't live through this... I love you!"
"lol whatever, i can only get it up for hot space plant chicks, sorry"
[CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON KEI'S FACE, SCRUNCHING UP WITH PAIN AND HEARTBREAK]


Enterprise!

[THAT RED LAMP THING ON SULU'S DASHBOARD STARTS BEEPING UP AGAIN LIKE IT IS WANT TO DO SO OFTEN]
"Captain, deflectors just snapped on!"
"Spock-o, why didn't you pick this up before? Were you using your SPACE-SENSOR-SCOPE to look at hot space-elf porn again?"
"Absolutely not, Captain. I was in fact quite enthralled with some pleasing specimens of your Earth pornography; a titillating selection from the 20th century featuring one-"
[THE SHIP SHAKES LIKE A DIABETIC EPILEPTIC HAVING A SUPER-SPACE-SEIZURE]
"Daaaaamn, we're getting rolled like fat kids! Return fire! Lay down a pattern!"
[SULU PRESSES SOME BUTTENS AND SOUND EFFECTS INDICATE THAT THE ENTERPRISE IS SHOOTING SPACE WEAPONS AT ARCADIA]


Arcadia!

[THAT GOOFY LITTLE FAT GUY IS RUNNING AROUND WITH HIS MODEL AIRPLANE AND MAKING NOISES AGAIN]
[lol]
"Captain! Incoming!"
[SPLAT]
"They... they've laid down a pattern!"
[One of Arcadia's bridge windows has now been covered in a plaid wallpaper pattern. Harlock GOES APESHIT]
"KIIIIIRRRRRRK!!!! KIIIIIRRRRRRRRRKKKKKK!!!! KKKIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!"
"Captain, what should we do?"
"Deploy the ram! ALL ENGINES, 120% POWER! THIS IS THE WAY A PIRATE FIGHTS!"

[KEI WALKS OVER TO HARLOCK]
"Captain, in case we don't make it, I... I love you!"
"I'm sorry, Kei. But I can only have the hots for my wonderful eyecandy piece of ass."
[KEI INSTANTLY THINKS OF THAT CREEPY ALIEN CHICK THAT SOMEHOW DRINKS LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC SAILOR YET HAS NO MOUTH]
"You mean..."
"Yes, Daiba holds that special place in my heart."
[CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THAT WACKY BIRD THAT HANGS AROUND WITH HARLOCK, LAUGHING ITS ASS OFF]


Back on the Enterprise!

[The viewscreen shows a huge BLADE UNFOLD FROM THE NOSE OF THE ARCADIA!]
"HOLY SHIT DID YOU JUST SEE THAT"
"THAT IS SOME BANZAI SHIT, CAPTAIN"


[FREEZE-FRAME ON ARCADIA BARRELING TOWARD ENTERPRISE; ROLL CREDITS; ROLL END-OF-EPISODE MUSIC; DO A BARREL ROLL]

----------

I gave it a test run over in Testing and the dudes said it should get a shot over here, so here it is. I'll post more later. Maybe.

This thread thoroughly warrants an emoticon of a psyduck clutching its head in confusion. I... I don't even know how else to respond to this.

I am confused...
What is this story supposed to be about?
Otherwise confusing...

You guys are both lame; all you have to know is that this is fucking hilarious.

any idea of when part II will surface U?

That was hilarious. I'm expecting Kirk to win, however. Weapons on the DORSAL side of the ship as well as the ventral, 3-D combat for the win!

We don't know WHAT version of the Arcadia was used. If it's the green version (from My Youth in Arcadia), that Arcadia has a third ventral rear-firing capable turret (seen in Harlock Saga). It could be that: in Endless Odissey that version used the big knife against the Panopticon station. And, BTW, the firepower of the green Arcadia is greater than everything in the TNG Federal arsenals (the incident of the rear-firing turret obliterated an HUGE asteroid, bigger than the Arcadia itself).

Haven't forgotten about this story, just haven't gotten around to sitting down and banging out another part yet.

lord Martiya
This is the blue Arcadia, as seen in the 1978 series Space Pirate Captain Harlock. Two Pulsar Cannon turrets, three guns each, fore dorsal; multiple Space Buster auxiliary guns fore and side; missile launchers port and starboard; large complement of starfighters; ram blade.

The best-looking Arcadia, in my opinion.

okay sorry for the wait guys but i've banged out another chapter

hope you enjoy :)

-------

On the Starship Enterprise, under Captain James T. Kirk...

[The viewscreen shows a huge BLADE UNFOLD FROM THE NOSE OF THE ARCADIA!]
[Kirk's JAW DROPS]
"HOLY SHIT DID YOU JUST SEE THAT"
"THAT IS SOME BANZAI SHIT, CAPTAIN"

[Sulu calmly turns and faces his Captain]
"Arcadia is at nine hundred space-kilometers and closing rapidly, sir."
"I... what the HELL is a SPACE kilometer?"

[Uhura pipes up]
"Captain, I'm getting a signal from starship Pedant."
"Put him on."
"Aye, sir..."

[A voice comes in over audio. It sounds strangely like INSPECTOR GADGET.]
"Captain Kirk! I'm here to tell you... that a 'space-kilometer' is a unit of length!"
"Well thank you CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. Uhura, cut off that damn channel."
"Aye, sir..."
"Mr. Spock... is it... is it true?"

[Spock CANNOT BELIEVE HIS EARS, and SIGHS HEAVILY]
"...Yes. Yes, it is true, Captain. A space kilometer is a unit of length."
[Sulu is GETTING ANTSY]
"Arcadia at one hundred space-kilometers, closing at ridiculous speed!"

[Kirk gets a smug look on his face]
"Well, we seem to have struck a nerve with the good space pirate captain. Harlock. Of the space battlesh-"
"FIFTY SPACE-KILOMETERS AND CLOSING AT LUDICROUS SPEED!"
"Dude what the fuck get us out of the way already! Warp power, EVASIVE STARBOARD! Fire phasers, point-blank range! Get more lighting on me!"


ARCADIA!

"They're evading too quickly! We won't be able to ram them on this pass!"
"PRIMARY PULSAR CANNONS, FIRE!"


[EXTERNAL: As the two ships scream by, missing each other by less than a ship-width, the mighty energies of the two starships are unleashed against one another at point-blank range. At this range, even the heavy armor plating of Arcadia buckles under the concentrated phaser fire of Enterprise. Similarly, the tremendous energy shields of Enterprise cannot resist the simultaneous salvo from Arcadia's heavy pulsar cannons.]

ARCADIA'S crew makes damage reports to Captain HARLOCK

"The SPACE BUSTER GUNS have been destroyed, and we've lost port-side missile launchers as well."
"Damage to primary reactor. Engine output and pulsar firing rate will be impaired."
"Three bottles of sake broken!"
"dude i just like fell down and my hands just happend to be on your space-girlfriends bewbs, i think i'd better examine them"


KIRK gets the BAD NEWS

"Engineering to bridge: main energizer hit! We're on auxiliary power only!"
"Scotty, I need more power!"
"Ach, me poor bairns are bloody ruined! Ye won't have the warp drive for some time! I can try to coax more out of the impulse engines..."

[The RED LAMP IS BEEPING AGAIN. Spock speaks up.]

"Captain, Arcadia is coming about. We have inflicted significant damage on them. However, power is limited."
"Yes... you're quite right. Mr. Sulu, bring us to... attack vector, half impulse... ready on full. Mr. Chekov... prepare a full salvo of torpedoes."
"Aye, keptin."
"And... divert emergency power... to the lighting. I need more contrast!"


Harlock FUMES

"My friend... Kirk has hurt us both. But I will not allow a captain of the evil Earth Federation to destroy us."
[Daiba walks up ALL THE FOOL AS HE USUALLY IS]
"dude cap'n are you fuck'n talking to the ship again because seriosly man that is fuckin messed up"
"What did you learn in your examination of Mime? Was she hurt in the last attack?"
"um shit man she's okay but i was squeezin her left tit and all of a sudden her tit just fuckin sucked my hand in like she drinks alcohol through her mouth, i was lucky to get my hand abck"

[Harlock SMIRKS... KNOWINGLY]

"Is the ram still deployed? We'll try for anot-"
"Captain! Incoming torpedo barrage!"


[EXTERNAL: Enterprise fires six PHOTON TORPEDOES in RAPID succession. They arc away from Enterprise and towards Arcadia.]
[Harlock GRITS HIS TEETH. Daiba RUBS HIS HAND AND WINCES. Kei LOOKS ON IN SHOCK. FREEZE FRAME ON Yattaran GLUING TOGETHER A MODEL OF THE SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO (LOL IT IS FUNNY BECAUSE YAMATO WAS ANOTHER MATSUMOTO PRODUCTION LOL)]

FREEZE FRAME ON Yattaran GLUING TOGETHER A MODEL OF THE SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO (LOL IT IS FUNNY BECAUSE YAMATO WAS ANOTHER MATSUMOTO PRODUCTION LOL)

Let me guess: the Yamato model will fall apart when the Enterprise's torpedos hit, and Harlock will sprout bullshit about having to avenge the Yamato (model).

By the way, I know Harlock mainly from articles in 'Animerica' magazine, so I have no idea who Mime is. Does she actually have the paranormal abilities suggested by this line?

"um shit man she's okay but i was squeezin her left tit and all of a sudden her tit just fuckin sucked my hand in like she drinks alcohol through her mouth, i was lucky to get my hand abck"

Sidewinder wrote:

FREEZE FRAME ON Yattaran GLUING TOGETHER A MODEL OF THE SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO (LOL IT IS FUNNY BECAUSE YAMATO WAS ANOTHER MATSUMOTO PRODUCTION LOL)

Let me guess: the Yamato model will fall apart when the Enterprise's torpedos hit, and Harlock will sprout bullshit about having to avenge the Yamato (model).

I hadn't thought of that. Hmm.

By the way, I know Harlock mainly from articles in 'Animerica' magazine, so I have no idea who Mime is. Does she actually have the paranormal abilities suggested by this line?

"um shit man she's okay but i was squeezin her left tit and all of a sudden her tit just fuckin sucked my hand in like she drinks alcohol through her mouth, i was lucky to get my hand abck"

Mime (mee-may) is an alien woman from Jura. She is, as she so often puts it, "the woman who gave her life to Harlock" after he saved her from some killer carnivorous plants.

I'm not aware of her actually having such powers. It's just a humorous exaggeration of the fact that she has no mouth, yet somehow is able to drink wine. (and a lot of it at that)

Yes. And, apparently, Meme has some ESP power, depending from the series: in the classic series she's not affected from a Mazonian weapon who paralized everyone else on Arcadia and is able to discern between real Mazonian soldiers and their Shadow Soldiers (holo soldiers), and in Harlock Saga she has telekynesis power (and shake a fighter like an empty bottle) and control over the passing of the time.