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is this a good description?

Posted: 2007-12-18 06:43am
by Lord Revan
The figure looked like a male human, though the shadows in doorway made him hard to see him clearly. He was dressed black robe with plate armor covering his chest, shoulders, hands and at least part of his feet, a black hood covered his head casting shadows that covered the top part of his face leaving only his mouth and beard clearly visible. His skin where showing was unnaturally pale.
the person in question is a deathknight from warcraft-verse.

EDIT:he's my own creation though and not a canon character.

Re: is this a good description?

Posted: 2007-12-18 12:45pm
by Winter
Lord Revan wrote:
The figure looked like a male human, though the shadows in doorway made him hard to see him clearly. He was dressed black robe with plate armor covering his chest, shoulders, hands and at least part of his feet, a black hood covered his head casting shadows that covered the top part of his face leaving only his mouth and beard clearly visible. His skin where showing was unnaturally pale.
the person in question is a deathknight from warcraft-verse.

EDIT:he's my own creation though and not a canon character.
Warning: The following is an honest critique, and will probably seem harsh.

No, it's really not a good description. Even disregarding grammar errors and generally bad sentence structure, the description is overlong and exudes an air of cliche and mary-sueism. I suppose it may be acceptable in a style-over-substance universe like WH, but I would be immediately repulsed when reading that in a story. A robe with plate armour visible = man what? What's the point of the robe in the first place then? If robe+plate is a necessity, then how about having glints of metal peeking out from under said robe rather than just openly throwing out (yawn) 'plate armour'?
The figure looked like a male human, though the shadows in doorway made him hard to see him clearly.
The shadows made him hard? Yikes.

'Male human' is a very, very cold and uninteresting description. It's what you should read off an autopsy chart, not in fiction.

He was dressed black robe with plate armor covering his chest, shoulders, hands and at least part of his feet, a black hood covered his head casting shadows that covered the top part of his face leaving only his mouth and beard clearly visible.
Holy run-on sentences, Batman! Let's take this one by individual parts.

1) Did you mean "He was dressed in a black robe"?
2) Plate armour covering part of his feet? What? Also, use the word 'torso' instead of "chest, shoulders".
3) Using the word 'cover' twice in the same sentence.
4) . . . Three times.
5) Boy, that's a clumsy wording. You can improve that.

His skin where showing was unnaturally pale.
Can we get away from all this passive voice? You use 'was' in two out of three sentences in this description. You could make this description much more active and attention-grabbing by turning it into active voice (and paying attention to my other comments, naturally).

Also, 'unnaturally pale' is a very weak description. Add some drama! Tell us his skin is a shock of white, or pale as death, or something. Give our imaginations something to work with rather than just spelling it out in the most boring way imaginable.

That is all.

Regards,
Winter

Posted: 2007-12-18 02:24pm
by Surlethe
Here's an attempt at improving the description.
Old version wrote:The figure looked like a male human, though the shadows in doorway made him hard to see him clearly. He was dressed black robe with plate armor covering his chest, shoulders, hands and at least part of his feet, a black hood covered his head casting shadows that covered the top part of his face leaving only his mouth and beard clearly visible. His skin where showing was unnaturally pale.
New version wrote:The figure, standing in the shadow of the doorway, looked like a man, though it was hard to see him clearly. Light from a nearby campfire glinted on highlights in his coal-black plate armor -- chest, shoulders, hands, legs, and feet -- and unnaturally pale skin glimmered from chinks at the joints. A charcoal hood shadowed his head, and dark smudges on the pale oval of his face marked a beard.
Not quite as strong as it could be, but notice the elimination of passive voice, the removal of most repeats, and I don't think those are runon sentences. Also, the poor grammar is gone, too.