Post Mortem - Requiem for a Fanfic
Posted: 2008-05-19 07:48pm
I often find myself bored during my spare time. On such occasions, I tend to seek out fan fiction, mostly because 1) it is free and 2) it can sometimes extend a franchise I like in amusing ways. The problem, of course, is the perennial one with fanfics: quality. Or in most cases, the lack thereof.
Sure, you have to see fanfiction for what it is. The vast bulk of the good ones (if I can be permitted to put it thus) are still basically light fare, kinda like popcorn movies or platformer games. And that's fine by me - sometimes, after all, you just want to be entertained, in the same way that I'd generally watch Iron Man rather than 2001. One simply requires you to take it in and soak in the action; the other needs you to actively pursue the movie. Sometimes, you just want escapism, and ideally, fanfics offer that.
That's discounting the stark fact that most fanfics suck.
When I begin reading a fanfic, I usually give it a grace period. During that time, I expect the fic to make a serious attempt at sucking me in. The length of that period depends on how much the fic appears to have going for itself. If it's got recommendations from authors or people that I respect, that's a plus. If it's a fandom I like, that's almost required; if the characters are ones that interest me, that's also good. But sometimes... sometimes, a fanfic sneaks up on me by assuming the aspect of a car crash. And when that happens, even though the simple act of reading the text on the screen is slowly cutting my self-esteem to ribbons, I sometimes find myself trapped, waiting to see if or how it can be made even worse. It is at that point that the shame and disgust turn into morbid amusement, even renewed interest. Because the story now becomes an object lesson, and as much as I enjoy quality writing, I enjoy it even more when I can point out things the author really shouldn't have done.
To make a long story short, I found a fanfic through an old thread on Spacebattles. Being... annoyed by it, I decided to use it as a demonstration. There are certain errors almost unique to the genre, things only really seen in bad fanfiction and R.A. Salvatore novels, and they are used liberally here.
So, without further ado, go go Gadget sarcasm!
Title: THE GOTHAM KNIGHTS OF MIDDLE-EARTH
Synopsis: (Batman/Lord of the Rings Crossover) When drawn into a battle against Klarion (BUM BUM BUM) the Witch Boy, Robin and Batgirl are transported to the mystical land of Middle-Earth on eve of war. Now they must join with the fabled Fellowship of the Ring in order to destroy the One Ring of Power so as protect not only Middle-Earth, but their own world from Sauron's malice.
...yeah.
Now, this isn't going to be a blow-by-blow rundown of everything that's wrong with the fic. Instead, as mentioned, I'll highlight some examples of common fanfiction clichés and the often immensely stupid mistakes that seem particular to fanfics as a medium. Since this fanfic is rather long (I believe "epic" was the word they used on Spacebattles), the errors are many and educational.
Flaw One: Bold Sources, Timid Execution
Alas, such boldness almost never lasts beyond the first four paragraphs or so. Instead, the story plays out as close to the original tale as possible, with minute deviations to accomodate the squeezed-in characters. These deviations, of course, savagely trample the conventions, the themes and the intentions inherent in the original story, but that's okay; if you expected the author to understand them in the first place, you're probably a newcomer to fan fiction, or an incorrigible optimist.
Just another example, to really drive it home.
Flaw Two: The Jive-Talking Time Traveler
However, most fanfic authors don't really care enough about it to bother. But at the same time, they're itching to show how different these characters are from the rest, and that leads to Jive-Talking Syndrome, as follows:
Flaw Three: Write What You Don't Know
For the record: no, you do not use a sword as a fucking axe. If you "relax your wrist and let the momentum" do anything without a good measure of control, you will tire yourself, you will lose speed, and you will sacrifice strength and balance. That Éowyn would tell Cassandra Cain this, when her skill level in the unarmed martial arts would necessitate near-complete mastery of how these things work, is laughable. You simply don't get that good at hand-to-hand without full understanding of the mechanics of motion.
I'm sorry, but what the fuck?! The lands of Rohan were patterned after Gothic, Norse and Anglo-Saxon culture. The language - lest we forget, one of the cardinal parts of the Lord of the Rings trilogy - had its roots in Old English Mercian dialect, Scandinavian, and Gothic. Nowhere there do we find anything even close to this insipid attempt at vanilla fantasy nomenclature.
It is a mystery to me how anyone could read LotR and not see these things; they are details about as subtle as jet engines on a horse. But apparently, to some people, Tolkien's works are bog standard high fantasy, to be furnished with names like 'Cattie-Brie' and 'Ba'Alzamon' and dialogue that staggers between pseudo-shakespearian and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and then left to dry like a rape victim dipped in shit. But wait, there's more!
As you can see, the Path of Righteous Fanfiction is beset on all sides. Attempts at witticism aside, there are several other problems with the story than the ones I mentioned; for the sake of brevity and focus, I decided to concentrate on three obvious offences. The sad thing about this story is that, despite the crazy setup, the story could have transcended expectations in the hands of a skilled author. Instead, we got what can only charitably be described as "pap", and a mountain of it.
If there is sufficient interest, I may do another of these reviews, provided my mind can stand the agony. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to soak my head in quicklime.
Sure, you have to see fanfiction for what it is. The vast bulk of the good ones (if I can be permitted to put it thus) are still basically light fare, kinda like popcorn movies or platformer games. And that's fine by me - sometimes, after all, you just want to be entertained, in the same way that I'd generally watch Iron Man rather than 2001. One simply requires you to take it in and soak in the action; the other needs you to actively pursue the movie. Sometimes, you just want escapism, and ideally, fanfics offer that.
That's discounting the stark fact that most fanfics suck.
When I begin reading a fanfic, I usually give it a grace period. During that time, I expect the fic to make a serious attempt at sucking me in. The length of that period depends on how much the fic appears to have going for itself. If it's got recommendations from authors or people that I respect, that's a plus. If it's a fandom I like, that's almost required; if the characters are ones that interest me, that's also good. But sometimes... sometimes, a fanfic sneaks up on me by assuming the aspect of a car crash. And when that happens, even though the simple act of reading the text on the screen is slowly cutting my self-esteem to ribbons, I sometimes find myself trapped, waiting to see if or how it can be made even worse. It is at that point that the shame and disgust turn into morbid amusement, even renewed interest. Because the story now becomes an object lesson, and as much as I enjoy quality writing, I enjoy it even more when I can point out things the author really shouldn't have done.
To make a long story short, I found a fanfic through an old thread on Spacebattles. Being... annoyed by it, I decided to use it as a demonstration. There are certain errors almost unique to the genre, things only really seen in bad fanfiction and R.A. Salvatore novels, and they are used liberally here.
So, without further ado, go go Gadget sarcasm!
Title: THE GOTHAM KNIGHTS OF MIDDLE-EARTH
Synopsis: (Batman/Lord of the Rings Crossover) When drawn into a battle against Klarion (BUM BUM BUM) the Witch Boy, Robin and Batgirl are transported to the mystical land of Middle-Earth on eve of war. Now they must join with the fabled Fellowship of the Ring in order to destroy the One Ring of Power so as protect not only Middle-Earth, but their own world from Sauron's malice.
...yeah.
Now, this isn't going to be a blow-by-blow rundown of everything that's wrong with the fic. Instead, as mentioned, I'll highlight some examples of common fanfiction clichés and the often immensely stupid mistakes that seem particular to fanfics as a medium. Since this fanfic is rather long (I believe "epic" was the word they used on Spacebattles), the errors are many and educational.
Flaw One: Bold Sources, Timid Execution
Chapter 1 wrote:Cassandra's childhood memories were interrupted by the fatter hobbits tugging a bit at her cape so as to get her attention. "Um... I'm beggin' yer pardon..." he mumbled while glancing at Batgirl's mask nervously. "I hope that ye don't you don't mind my asking... b-but... what... er... I mean... who are you?"
"Batgirl."
"Ye're a-a bat-girl?" the third one squeaked in slight terror and ducking behind the fat one. "Wait... does anyone know what bat-girl is?" Cass gave him a reassuring smile that was barely noticeable though the mesh of her charcoal mask.
This is one cardinal sin common to fan fiction, and crossover fanfiction in particular. Often, the premise of these fan fictions is, well, fucking outrageous, and the authors are perfectly allright with that, to the point where you wonder what the hell these people smoked when coming up with something so utterly crazy. I have personally witnessed fanfics stories crossing Jumper with A Beautiful Life, Mary Poppins with The Terminator, and Star Wars with Super Mario; I know for a fact that these crossings are seen as pedestrian in some quarters. I'd say it takes some guts to seriously sit down and try to make something dramatic out of insanity of this magnitude.Bill Hicks wrote:You've already made the leap, you're into the dark lords terrain. No need to get coy now.
Alas, such boldness almost never lasts beyond the first four paragraphs or so. Instead, the story plays out as close to the original tale as possible, with minute deviations to accomodate the squeezed-in characters. These deviations, of course, savagely trample the conventions, the themes and the intentions inherent in the original story, but that's okay; if you expected the author to understand them in the first place, you're probably a newcomer to fan fiction, or an incorrigible optimist.
Eloquence embodied. Eleven companions... to match the numbers and the evil of the... nine Black Riders... and... aw, fuck it. A competent writer would have avoided the whole debacle, or changed it beyond all recognition. Instead, we get a modded Lord of the Rings, like a swelling on the body of Tolkien's work that occasionally shows signs of unnatural life.Chapter 9 wrote:Elrond looked over the people assembled before him. The fate of Middle-Earth would rest on the shoulders of four hobbits, two men, two teenagers, a wizard, an elf and a dwarf. "Eleven Companions..." he said. "So be it! You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!"
Just another example, to really drive it home.
Boy, the author really knows how to go for pathos, doesn't he?Chapter 13 wrote: "Legolas," they heard Aragorn call. "Get them up!"
"Give them a moment for pity's sake!" Boromir said angrily, while fighting back his own tears.
"No," Robin said in a flat emotionless tone. "Aragorn's right. We can mourn for Gandalf later, but right now we need to put as much distance as possible between the orcs and us."
Aragorn gave Robin a thankful nod for his support, as he moved to help Sam up. “On your feet Sam,” he said softly. Reluctantly everyone followed suit, all the while trying to hold back their tears and grief.
Flaw Two: The Jive-Talking Time Traveler
A common device (I'm being charitable here) in crossovers where modern characters are dropped into a preindustrial setting has to do with language. Of course, the writer is seldom interested in the actual consequences of falling into a different world. How, for instance, would one make oneself understood? The average fanfic writer sidesteps this by having the common languages of the world be virtually identical. A good fanfic writer, in contrast, would either force the characters to learn the languages of the strange world, or supply some sort of reason for why the languages are similar. Even addressing the problem without providing an answer would suffice; when you are in a strange land, you'd be an idiot to expect people to understand you perfectly.Chapter 3 wrote:"Yeah, you see my belt is designed so whenever someone tries to take off my belt without my say so, they'll be zapped with a small charge of electricity. The electricity will result in a temporarily shut down of their nervous system." Legolas stared at Robin blankly, apparently not understanding anything of what he had just said.
"Um… Okay, see… my belt sends a blast of something like lightning at anyone who tried to take off my belt."
"Like magic?" the elf asked finally.
"Umm… well not exactly. But sure, dude… we'll go with magic." He couldn't really think of a way to explain the wonders of his utility belt without an in-depth explanation of 21st century electronics.
"Dude?" Legolas enquired.
"Eh… never mind."
However, most fanfic authors don't really care enough about it to bother. But at the same time, they're itching to show how different these characters are from the rest, and that leads to Jive-Talking Syndrome, as follows:
Interestingly, this phenomenon is common even to characters who don't usually speak Valley Girl. It's like the jump through dimensions deals severe brain damage, or something.Chapter 14 wrote:"Big with the Cryptic, huh?" Robin said before looking at the mirror on the pedestal suspiciously. "Is that how you knew we were coming to Middle- Earth?"
Galadriel didn't reply, but instead gave him a long and serious look.
Sloppy. Writing. Sure, Teh Jive-Talk isn't the only problem with the quote I gave, but let's pick our battles, yes? If I was in a strange land where people hardly understood what I was saying, why the hell would I continue to use the same imbicilic expressions? Has the author ever been alone abroad? If people don't understand what you're saying, guess what? They won't talk to you. They'll find someone with whom they can actually, you know, communicate with. That's especially true in a setting that doesn't emphasise any sort of social tolerance, like, say, Middle-Earth.Chapter 13 wrote:"Sorry, you just had us worried there for a minute. Thought we were going to have to bust you for possession," Robin smiled as he handed the parcel back to the Hobbit. With all the drug busts they had been to over their tenure as Robin and Batgirl, both vigilantes knew marijuana on sight and what the Hobbit had wasn't it. It was only that river leaf that they were smoking all the time back in Rivendell.
"Possession of what?" Gimli asked.
"Well, back in Gotham there are certain drugs and herbs that have negative effects on people and are forbidden by law," Robin explained.
"One drug… marijuana had nickname 'weed'. We thought you had bad drug," Batgirl finished, before leaning back and smirking evilly at them. "Thought we need to kick your butts." Both Merry and Pippin looked horrified, before Robin and Batgirl began laughing again. After a moment the rest of them joined in.
Flaw Three: Write What You Don't Know
On occasion, a fanfic author will suffer from something we mortals like to call "hubris." This mainly shows itself in attempts at writing authoritatively on subjects with which the author has absolutely no idea. A common offender is the interaction enthusiasts, who love to have their characters chatting with and macking on the cast of whatever fandom they're thrust into, while treating the primitive and brutish violence with the disdain they think it deserves. In short, they like to write battles to advance the plot and show the characters being awesome, and to this, the limitations imposed by physics, logic and the human body come a very distant second.Chapter 24 wrote:"I have made a promise to my uncle to lead our people to Helm's Deep. I must do what my King asks of me." She then gave Cassandra a knowing smile. "Remember: relax your wrist and let the momentum of the swing do the work. And be careful my friend." Cassandra gave a wink and raced off after the others.
For the record: no, you do not use a sword as a fucking axe. If you "relax your wrist and let the momentum" do anything without a good measure of control, you will tire yourself, you will lose speed, and you will sacrifice strength and balance. That Éowyn would tell Cassandra Cain this, when her skill level in the unarmed martial arts would necessitate near-complete mastery of how these things work, is laughable. You simply don't get that good at hand-to-hand without full understanding of the mechanics of motion.
Considering how most forms of Kevlar can be easily pierced by a blade, that's rather amusing. Of course, it's entirely possible that we're looking at some mythical form of Bat-Kevlar that scoffs at these things, but dammit, in the context of the story it just comes off as writer laziness. If the writer didn't know what Kevlar could do, maybe he shouldn't have gone into detail on what it could do. Similarly, a later scene in which one of these costumes are fixed - presumably by needle and thread - doesn't work. Modern body armor doesn't exactly react well to such treatment.Chapter 21 wrote:After that, he began rinsing out his Robin costume in the river. While he did have other clothes in his bag from Lothlórien and Rivendell, he preferred to keep his costume. The Kevlar body armor would protect him far better than anything else. Not to mention he hated the way he looked in the medieval garb.
I would expect Cassandra Cain to be able to take on a gifted 87-year old swordsman with the body of a thirty-year-old, but that's not the odd thing. The author plainly doesn't understand the reach advantage a sword gives you, nor just how quickly such a person would be able to gut you. That Batgirl would be able to attack and disarm a swordsman like Aragorn, herself unarmed, wouldn't just be a feat worthy of a raised eyebrow - it'd be looked upon with awe.Chapter 4, Chapter 6 wrote:"Not nearly frightened enough. I know what haunts you." Before either one could say another word, the door burst open. The mysterious stranger had drawn his sword but before he knew it, his weapon had been wretched from his hand, thrown across the room and embedded in a wall, while he suddenly found himself lying on his stomach. One of his arms was twisted painfully behind his back and the masked face of Batgirl stared down in a predatory manner. Behind her came Pippin armed with a chair, Merry with a candelabra and Sam bearing his fists ready to fight. The man beneath Batgirl struggled against her, but every move he made only increased Batgirl's hold on him. He quickly realized that he was completely at the mercy of this woman.
[...]
"It is fine, milady. And you need not apologize," Strider replied. "You were only watching over the wellbeing of your friends, and that is commendable. Yet I must admit, you caught me by surprise. Few people are able to do what you accomplished last night."
"You mean… pinning you down?" she asked, to which Strider nodded.
As you can see, I saved the most egregrious offense for last. This part, apparently, is set in an unnamed village of the Riddermark. In this gentle hamlet lives the children, Lillian and Lexington, with their mother Yolina.21 wrote:"Blessed be," Yolina gasped.
--
Lillian held tightly to her baby brother Lexington as the flames drew closer, while doing her best to calm the screaming infant. The smoke and ash stung her eyes and each breath she took felt forced and painful. Thousands of thoughts ran threw her 7-year-old mind, none the least bit relaxing.
Where was mother? Who could be so mean that they would set their home on fire? Would she and little Lexie die? If they did die… would they be able to see father again?
I'm sorry, but what the fuck?! The lands of Rohan were patterned after Gothic, Norse and Anglo-Saxon culture. The language - lest we forget, one of the cardinal parts of the Lord of the Rings trilogy - had its roots in Old English Mercian dialect, Scandinavian, and Gothic. Nowhere there do we find anything even close to this insipid attempt at vanilla fantasy nomenclature.
It is a mystery to me how anyone could read LotR and not see these things; they are details about as subtle as jet engines on a horse. But apparently, to some people, Tolkien's works are bog standard high fantasy, to be furnished with names like 'Cattie-Brie' and 'Ba'Alzamon' and dialogue that staggers between pseudo-shakespearian and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and then left to dry like a rape victim dipped in shit. But wait, there's more!
Alistair. Originally a greek name, Alexander, it also has a gaelic variant, Alasdair, one which immediately comes across as less ludicrous. This was revealed to me through the magic of Google. It took me about ten seconds. Ten seconds that, apparently, the author would rather use advancing the plot... or whatever you call it when the plot already is fixed and you're simply travelig along it like a Disneyland cart.Chapter 25 wrote: It was about daybreak, Éomer called the company to a halt allowing them time to eat 'breakfast' and replenish the strength of both the soldiers and their horses. Assortments of small fires were prepared for men to warm themselves and for meals to be made.
After Robin had seen to Redd’s needs, he made his way over to where a handful of soldiers were sitting around trying futile to start their own campfire. He recognized one of the younger soldiers as Alistair, who he had met during the beginning of their trip. He and his friends looked not very much older than Tim himself, maybe 18 or 19 years old.
As you can see, the Path of Righteous Fanfiction is beset on all sides. Attempts at witticism aside, there are several other problems with the story than the ones I mentioned; for the sake of brevity and focus, I decided to concentrate on three obvious offences. The sad thing about this story is that, despite the crazy setup, the story could have transcended expectations in the hands of a skilled author. Instead, we got what can only charitably be described as "pap", and a mountain of it.
If there is sufficient interest, I may do another of these reviews, provided my mind can stand the agony. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to soak my head in quicklime.