StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Doing something a bit different, so here's a snippit. Looking for feed back on tone and setting.





I am the Light in the Dark.

“…I am the Light in the Dark. And though I walk in the shadow, the darkness holds no sway.” The softly spoken words, almost a prayer, echoed off of the empty walls as the black of night stirred in the middle of the decrepit old apartment.

The buzz, horns, sirens and other sounds of life within a city were audible outside but did not penetrate into the room very deep. A blanket of quiet seemed to be spread across the room, just like the first heavy snow of winter absorbs the sounds of man and nature; the dark being in the center of the room absorbed the ambient sound outside, casting the apartment in muffled quiet. There was some rustling around as the shadow moved a few more pieces of equipment into place, then a soft green light appeared. It was little more than a LED light, an indicator of sorts, but the light spread across the room revealing the shadow as a man standing next to a camcorder on an old crate.

The man settled himself in front of the camera, sitting cross-legged on the dirty floor. His large frame drooping so as his face was level with the lens. He took a large breath, preparing himself for some unknown truth before speaking, “I am the Light in the Dark.”

“My name is John Ashby.” He said in a husky voice.

“And while time is short, I am making this recording in violation of all that I have been taught so that someone will know the truth. Ironically, this is my highest mission, to spread the truth.”

His face, bathed in shadow, appeared gray in the small display on the camera but the dark could not hide the solid line of his jaw nor the concern that poured out of the steel gray of his eyes. The closely trimmed goatee added the appearance of strength just as the worry lines of his face softened what would have been an intimidating demeanor from a deep brow.

“And that truth is that you live in a lie. The world as you know it is a glossy veneer meant to distract you from the presence of those that wish nothing more than to destroy you. Politics, Wall Street, entertainment, the American Dream and apple pie, all are ultimately irrelevant; fore they will not, in the end, protect you from those of the Shadow that simply wish to see Mankind burn.” The statement was delivered with unwavering conviction as the ever present concern of the man’s expressions served to add credibility to such an outrageous claim.

A sly smile crept across his face, his face darkening making him look menacing, “But this is not a comic book nor a Saturday morning cartoon. The forces of Darkness will not send a standing army of Daemons of unending supply to fight Man’s military; they do not work that way. We are not equals to fight on some battlefield; they will not let our strength be gathered at Megiddo as some of the old religions say.”

Ashby moved his face closer to the camera, cocking his head to the side emphasizing his next point, “To the Shadow, we are an infestation. Nothing but a blight upon the land where they wish to reign supreme. Some prey upon mankind, hunting us for food or simple sport, but others are more organized. A dark society ever working to tear down man’s society, cold and calculated and willing to wait decades for their tangled web of plots to come together.”

“But, for all that, mankind is not alone.” The dark man straightened in pride, “ My name is John Ashby and I am a Paladin of the Light, I walk in the shadow to bring the light of truth to those lost in the dark. And the first truth all Paladins’ learn is you must be in the shadow to see the light, there is not one without the other and all Paladins’ are born in Shadow.”

Meh, perhaps a bit more.....




Chpater One
[insert for quote]

The cold wind of early morning spilled out of the mountains in the east, pushed forward by the sun that still hide behind the great rocky giants that shielded the small college snuggled up in its foothills. The town that sprung up around the school spread out even further down the hills, its streets empty, and its houses dark. It was early, too early for students or towns folk to be up, even the nightlife of the young and wild having ended a few hours ago.

All was quiet and calm, all except the lone figure standing on a terrace at the dorms. John Ashby paced back and forth, anxiety and concern raked his body and mind, and the mild exertion of pacing did little to relieve his restlessness. He had been up all night and he looked like it. His clothes were wrinkled and disorderly, his face bore the 5 O’clock shadow and his hair was in disarray. But most prominently, bright splotches of red sprinkled across his face and clothes. Some from his own wounds and others from the young lady who lay motionless inside the dorm room behind John.

His mood was dark, even though the previous night had started off so well, it had quickly turned horribly, horribly wrong and now John was stuck in indecision. A rare trip to the local nightclubs last night had paid off for the young man. He had danced with and talked to one of the classmates he had casually talked to and secretly pined for, for months. Never quite able to strike up a conversation that meant anything in class, for some reason the two clicked last night and for five hours John danced with, talked to and in general enjoyed the young ladies company.

It was when the young couple had almost arrived at the girls dorm that everything had gone wrong. There, in front of the doors, wrapped in the soft light and surrounded by the green trees planted around the building, the two stole a moment for an embrace and a shadow detached itself from the dark. Quicker than John could react, an evil form grabbed him and flung him effortlessly away from the woman and he came crashing down upon the wall of the dorm building.

He might have passed out if not for the scream of the young female. The high pitched frightened cry snapped him out of the haze and erased all hesitation in the young man. Scrambling to his feet, John flung himself recklessly at the black form moving toward the focus of his affection. While not as dramatic as the shadow’s assault on John, Ashby’s attack was none the less effective. The dark form obviously didn’t expect John’s heedless attack and just as it was reaching for the woman, John tackled it and knocked it backwards away from the scared couple. Seeing an opportunity, John grabbed the girl and ran for the doors of the building. The two raced inside and without stopping, torn down the hall and into the stairway. They never talked as they ran up the stairs and spilled out on the fourth floor of the building where the girl had her room.

“Quick, inside and call the cops.” John blurted out between heavy breaths, as he grabbed her hand and started running down the hall again.
They didn’t stop until the girl cried out, “Here!” as they approached her room. She fumbled with the keys and the doorknob, fear and exhaustion wracking her body.

They fumbled with the locks then stood leaning against the door, their backs bracing it, and tried to slow their breathing and heart rate. After a moment, John embraced the girl and asked if she was alright, when she nodded, John asked; “Where is the phone, we need to get the police over here to get that son of a bitch.”

It was then that as the girl moved into the room that an unreal night turned surreal. With a crash, the window to the terrace exploded and a dark monstrosity that attacked them outside rushed into the room. In one swift motion, it landed and grabbed the girl, throwing her against the wall and racking her chest with clawed hands. It’s twisted face hissed just before it sunk its teeth into her flesh and tore at her.

It all happened so fast that by the time John started running towards the grizzly scene, his scream replaced the dying cry as her body slumped against the creature. John again tackled the dark form but this time the monster was ready for him and simply tossed John aside. Ashby crashed into bed on the far wall and sprang back up ready to fight. The monster stood on the other side of the room, the light from outside the broken window revealing its disgusting face, a twisted mockery of a man’s features, and seemed to wait for John to attack again.

It was then that fate stepped in. A mysterious force that drove the universe, shifted gears and in a random act that John never even thought of, he picked up the first item from the woman’s processions that was in reach. It wasn’t the large book stop that he grabbed that did the job, though when he threw it at the monster it seemed to get results. Rather, the large chunk of pressure casted resign he seized upon also had wrapped around it a particular necklace that unknown to Ashby, the girl’s father had given her long ago. This particular gift was a silver necklace, simple and plain, given as a birthday gift.




More than happy to get suggestions on my chapter quotes too.

I found the part where the creature chased them down and killed the girl to be particularly disturbing. *insert comment about bleeding breasts*

Um, there are a few problems with the grammer, though. I'm no expert, but:

John again tackled the dark form but this time the monster was ready for him and simply tossed John aside. Ashby crashed into bed on the far wall and sprang back up ready to fight.

In sentence 1, you don't need to use two 'John's. You can just go:

"John tackled the dark from again, but this time the monster was ready for him and simply tossed him aside."

Use pronouns (is that the word?).

You also don't need to switch between his given name and surname, since that might confuse some. It's also unnecessary.

Rather, the large chunk of pressure casted resign he seized upon also had wrapped around it a particular necklace that unknown to Ashby, the girl’s father had given her long ago. This particular gift was a silver necklace, simple and plain, given as a birthday gift.

This explanation also seems kind of long and... clunky. Not really a good way to leave a chapter hanging. You might want to reword it to make it flow 'smoother'. When I write my stuff, I spend a considerable amount of time obsessively going through it to figure out how "smooth" and how "good" it sounds and flows.

and you misspelled "resin" as "resign", which confused me for a bit

grizzly should be grisly

Outside of grammar corrections which have already been covered...The tone seems to fit, dark, grim, on the other hand, the pacing doesn't have sort of suspense, nor are the characters acting in an interesting fashion. Could also be just that this story will take longer to ramp up.