Mistaken Identity (SW/Hitchhiker's Guide Crossover
Posted: 2009-01-04 10:31pm
Mistaken Identity
A Star Wars Episode III/Hitchhiker’s Guide To the Galaxy Crossover:
It is said that, theoretically, history can be altered by the mere flip of a coin, which will in turn create a parallel universe. If that is indeed the case, the Universe as a whole must be an even crazier place than many first surmised. Considering the vast numbers of odd species, hokey religions, and ancient weapons out there, that would make the Universe a pretty crazy place indeed, a place where anything can happen at any time. Here’s a time when it did:
Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker angrily paced the hangar bay, glowering at the engines of the dropship bearing the Jedi Masters to arrest Supreme Chancellor Palpatine. His friend, his mentor in the arena of politics, and a Sith Lord.
The only one who can save Padme`.
He didn’t trust the Jedi to take him in alive, and began to stalk over to his airspeeder, to go after them and do…something, when Fate farted, and the fate of a tiny, insignificant galaxy changed.
A small, saucer-shaped ship descended over the landing pad and began to hover, extending spindly landing gear. In a stunning display of wealth, it was solid chrome all over. To Anakin, this chrome meant one thing- Padme`.
He knew she was still back at her apartment, but this ship could be here to deliver a message too personal for the comm. system. Using the brilliant foresight and good judgment *Cough* that he had displayed several times before, Anakin jogged over to the ship he had never seen before with a grin on his face. He was going to hear from Padme.
Imagine, if you will, his surprise, when instead of a human in Naboo livery, he watched a tall, thin alien with gray skin, in a gray robe descend the ramp.
It looked at a datapad, “Anakin Skywalker?” it asked, with a face suggesting extreme malevolence.
“That’s right,” said Anakin, in a petulant tone, “What do you have for me?”
The alien paged through the datapad, and nodded, letting it drop to his side, and giving a nasty grin.
“Anakin Skywalker, you smell. You’re a semi-evolved putrescent simian with disgustingly pathetic delusions of adequacy.”
Our hero was dumbstruck. “Excuse me?”
The gray alien looked at him quizzically,
“You are Anakin Skywalker?”
“Err- Yes?” he stammered.
“Anakin Renk Skywalker formerly of Distina?”
Anakin’s eyes narrowed. “Anakin Skywalker, formerly of Tatooine.”
The alien turned a paler shade of gray “Oh. Terribly sorry. In that case, I believe I was going to…” it checked the datapad, “Ah, yes. Call you a know-nothing nerf herder with no fashion sense. ”
It turned to go back up the ramp.
Anakin felt his anger rise again, and viciously clamped down on it. After all, to be fair, Jar-Jar was more aggravating.
He unclipped his lightsaber from his belt, but left it unlit. “Just a minute!”
“What now?” sighed the alien.
“I think you owe me an explanation for insulting me-twice!”
It made a rude noise, and continued walking.”
How dare this, this nothing insult me.
Anakin’s blade lit with a Snap-hiss, and the alien turned, an eye ridge raised.
Anakin was dangerously close to losing it, but he decided to apply Jedi negotiating techniques-Translation: Guilt tripping worse than a Chandrilan mother. In a measured, controlled voice, he continued,
“Perhaps I deserve an explanation because you fouled up on insulting me the first time?”
“Oh, very well.” drawled the alien, and Anakin extinguished his blade.
“I am Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, it said, bowing elegantly.
“Infinitely Prolonged-d’you mean Immortal?” asked Anakin, suddenly very attentive.
“Yes,” it sighed, “Thanks to an accident with an irrational particle accelerator, a pair of rubber bands and a liquid lunch. Wouldn’t recommend it though, those who tried it after me had some nasty side effects, and those that have it, and supposedly know how to handle immortality are a load of serene bastards.”
“And you?” asked Anakin, curious, “What did you do with immortality?”
“Well, going to funerals of acquaintances got old after a while, so I decided to keep busy by insulting every living being in the galaxy-alphabetically.”
“I…see.” Mumbled Anakin.
“Take it from me,” said Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, in a world-weary tone, “Immortality’s great for the first thousand years, but after that, it gets bloody boring.”
“You’ve lived longer than Master Yoda, what do you recommend instead?”
Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged scratched its chin, “Find a cute girl, get piss drunk, and figure out the rest later.”
Anakin grinned, “Well, I’ve got the girl. I even married her.”
Wowbagger nodded, “Not bad, you’re halfway there…”
“Anakin!” The voice of Mace Windu cut through the conversation like a lightsaber through butter. (Why one would want to cut butter with a lightsaber is beyond me, but it makes a nice metaphor in this instance.)
The tall, dark skinned Jedi was dragging a very angry-looking Supreme Chancellor Palpatine along at saber-point by the scruff of his neck.
“You’re married?” He said, incredulously.
His grin widened to face splitting levels, “Yup, and I’ve got a kid on the way. Now I’m gonna go home to the wife, get drunk to celebrate a new Skywalker, and go have some ‘me’ time.”
He looked at Palpatine, “Sorry Chancellor, but I’m going to have to refuse your offer to betray the Jedi in order to save my wife from dying in childbirth. Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, the timing of those ‘visions’ was a bit too convenient.”
Palpatine and Windu’s eyes widened.
“Bye, Wowbagger, thanks for the advice. Good luck insulting the Galaxy.” With that, Anakin turned and walked to the airspeeder, to his family, and away from a creepy old man in dark robes.
Palpatine turned, looked at the stranger again, and did a double-take, and stared at the gray alien a glint of recognition entering his yellow eyes.
“You…..” he hissed
“Chancellor Palpatine, you-Oh, I’ve done you before, haven’t I?”
Wowbagger turned to the Jedi Master.
“Mace Windu?”
“Yes?”
“Nothing. See you in thirty years.” With that, Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged turned, marched up the ramp of his ship, and blasted off.
**************
First Star Wars Oneshot. Opinions?
A Star Wars Episode III/Hitchhiker’s Guide To the Galaxy Crossover:
It is said that, theoretically, history can be altered by the mere flip of a coin, which will in turn create a parallel universe. If that is indeed the case, the Universe as a whole must be an even crazier place than many first surmised. Considering the vast numbers of odd species, hokey religions, and ancient weapons out there, that would make the Universe a pretty crazy place indeed, a place where anything can happen at any time. Here’s a time when it did:
Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker angrily paced the hangar bay, glowering at the engines of the dropship bearing the Jedi Masters to arrest Supreme Chancellor Palpatine. His friend, his mentor in the arena of politics, and a Sith Lord.
The only one who can save Padme`.
He didn’t trust the Jedi to take him in alive, and began to stalk over to his airspeeder, to go after them and do…something, when Fate farted, and the fate of a tiny, insignificant galaxy changed.
A small, saucer-shaped ship descended over the landing pad and began to hover, extending spindly landing gear. In a stunning display of wealth, it was solid chrome all over. To Anakin, this chrome meant one thing- Padme`.
He knew she was still back at her apartment, but this ship could be here to deliver a message too personal for the comm. system. Using the brilliant foresight and good judgment *Cough* that he had displayed several times before, Anakin jogged over to the ship he had never seen before with a grin on his face. He was going to hear from Padme.
Imagine, if you will, his surprise, when instead of a human in Naboo livery, he watched a tall, thin alien with gray skin, in a gray robe descend the ramp.
It looked at a datapad, “Anakin Skywalker?” it asked, with a face suggesting extreme malevolence.
“That’s right,” said Anakin, in a petulant tone, “What do you have for me?”
The alien paged through the datapad, and nodded, letting it drop to his side, and giving a nasty grin.
“Anakin Skywalker, you smell. You’re a semi-evolved putrescent simian with disgustingly pathetic delusions of adequacy.”
Our hero was dumbstruck. “Excuse me?”
The gray alien looked at him quizzically,
“You are Anakin Skywalker?”
“Err- Yes?” he stammered.
“Anakin Renk Skywalker formerly of Distina?”
Anakin’s eyes narrowed. “Anakin Skywalker, formerly of Tatooine.”
The alien turned a paler shade of gray “Oh. Terribly sorry. In that case, I believe I was going to…” it checked the datapad, “Ah, yes. Call you a know-nothing nerf herder with no fashion sense. ”
It turned to go back up the ramp.
Anakin felt his anger rise again, and viciously clamped down on it. After all, to be fair, Jar-Jar was more aggravating.
He unclipped his lightsaber from his belt, but left it unlit. “Just a minute!”
“What now?” sighed the alien.
“I think you owe me an explanation for insulting me-twice!”
It made a rude noise, and continued walking.”
How dare this, this nothing insult me.
Anakin’s blade lit with a Snap-hiss, and the alien turned, an eye ridge raised.
Anakin was dangerously close to losing it, but he decided to apply Jedi negotiating techniques-Translation: Guilt tripping worse than a Chandrilan mother. In a measured, controlled voice, he continued,
“Perhaps I deserve an explanation because you fouled up on insulting me the first time?”
“Oh, very well.” drawled the alien, and Anakin extinguished his blade.
“I am Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, it said, bowing elegantly.
“Infinitely Prolonged-d’you mean Immortal?” asked Anakin, suddenly very attentive.
“Yes,” it sighed, “Thanks to an accident with an irrational particle accelerator, a pair of rubber bands and a liquid lunch. Wouldn’t recommend it though, those who tried it after me had some nasty side effects, and those that have it, and supposedly know how to handle immortality are a load of serene bastards.”
“And you?” asked Anakin, curious, “What did you do with immortality?”
“Well, going to funerals of acquaintances got old after a while, so I decided to keep busy by insulting every living being in the galaxy-alphabetically.”
“I…see.” Mumbled Anakin.
“Take it from me,” said Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, in a world-weary tone, “Immortality’s great for the first thousand years, but after that, it gets bloody boring.”
“You’ve lived longer than Master Yoda, what do you recommend instead?”
Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged scratched its chin, “Find a cute girl, get piss drunk, and figure out the rest later.”
Anakin grinned, “Well, I’ve got the girl. I even married her.”
Wowbagger nodded, “Not bad, you’re halfway there…”
“Anakin!” The voice of Mace Windu cut through the conversation like a lightsaber through butter. (Why one would want to cut butter with a lightsaber is beyond me, but it makes a nice metaphor in this instance.)
The tall, dark skinned Jedi was dragging a very angry-looking Supreme Chancellor Palpatine along at saber-point by the scruff of his neck.
“You’re married?” He said, incredulously.
His grin widened to face splitting levels, “Yup, and I’ve got a kid on the way. Now I’m gonna go home to the wife, get drunk to celebrate a new Skywalker, and go have some ‘me’ time.”
He looked at Palpatine, “Sorry Chancellor, but I’m going to have to refuse your offer to betray the Jedi in order to save my wife from dying in childbirth. Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, the timing of those ‘visions’ was a bit too convenient.”
Palpatine and Windu’s eyes widened.
“Bye, Wowbagger, thanks for the advice. Good luck insulting the Galaxy.” With that, Anakin turned and walked to the airspeeder, to his family, and away from a creepy old man in dark robes.
Palpatine turned, looked at the stranger again, and did a double-take, and stared at the gray alien a glint of recognition entering his yellow eyes.
“You…..” he hissed
“Chancellor Palpatine, you-Oh, I’ve done you before, haven’t I?”
Wowbagger turned to the Jedi Master.
“Mace Windu?”
“Yes?”
“Nothing. See you in thirty years.” With that, Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged turned, marched up the ramp of his ship, and blasted off.
**************
First Star Wars Oneshot. Opinions?
