Where No Man Has Gone Before (40k-Humor)

[Imperial Overlord]

I have no idea how good at this I'll be, so feedback is very much appreciated.


The captain considered his appearance in the mirror. Still looking good. Devilishly handsome as a matter of fact, complete with a roguish twinkle in his eyes. He did, however, have to reluctantly concede that he was putting on some weight around the middle. He picked up a girdle and strapped it around his middle before putting on his uniform tunic. There, much better. He finished putting the rest of his uniform and admired the result. The heavy gold braid gave him a very imperial presence. He liked it and so did the ladies.

He swatted the yeoman on her bare ass and left his ready room for the bridge. "Captain on the bridge," yelled Deck Officer Leslie. He smiled and sauntered over to his command throne, which was being vacated by the Helmsmen. He paused to admire Uhra's sleek and gorgeous form at the comms station, encased in tight, shiny red leather. She smiled back. He had hit that like the fist of the Emperor's wrath and he meant to do so again.

Captain James K. Tiberius slouched into the well padded throne and accepted a data slate from a nice looking blond yeoman. Yeah baby. He would hit that as well. He had, in fact, chosen a substantial number of support positions based on how fucking sexy the applicants were. It was good to be king.

He wrote in a log entry as he eyed the yeoman's bust line. "Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's fifty year mission: to plunder strange new worlds, to conquer new life and new civilizations, to boldly make claim where no man has gone before." Yeah, that sounded good. He handed back the data slate to the yeoman and watched her ass move as she walked away. Nice.

"Captain," said Sulu. "We're emerging from warp." Sulu was an ambitious young pup who wanted a ship of his own. He was good at his job and kept his hands off the captain's honeys so there might be hope for him yet. Someone had to captain the rest of the glorious fleet that Tiberius would one day command.

"Steady as she goes Mister Sulu," said Tiberius, lounging in his throne. He activated the massage function. Yeah, that was nice.

"Auger arrays indicate that the third planet is inhabited," said Uhra.

"What kind of life?" asked Tiberius. "Human. Humanoid? Ork? Where is that pointy eared freak Sp'hak anyway? He's supposed to know this stuff."

"Right behind you captain," said the Eldar corsair. As usual he was wearing a combination of blue and black silks. His usual sneer was in place. "The inhabitants call their planet Cali."

"Cali eh?" said Tiberius. "Are they humanoid?"

"They Californians closely resemble Mon-Keigh," said Sp'hak, "except for a nose ridge."

"Nose ridges eh?" said Tiberius. "But rest is the same? Exactly. I mean arms, legs, breasts . . ."

"Yes," said Sp'hak, a slight look of disgust on his face.

"Good, I mean good to know. Might be lost human colony and all that," said Captain Tiberius. "If the nose ridges are too ugly I can always put a bag over their heads. Mister Sulu, get us into parking orbit immediately and have Enginseer Scott warm up the teleporter. Uhra, see if you can make contact with whatever passes as a boss of these Californicators. Let them know there's a new man in town."

He swirled his command throne around. "So Sp'hak, what do these Californicators have that's worth taking?"

[Sidewinder]

Looks like fun (at least more fun than the broken Aesop preaching that passed as a 'Star Trek' story for the past 15 years). By the way, what in hell is an Eldar doing (alive and) aboard what's apparently an Imperium ship? Or does this Enterprise belong to a rogue trader?

[Ford Prefect]

James K. Tiberius is clearly a Rogue Trader. And you might not have delved into humour before IO, but I say you did a pretty good job. I was grinning the whole way through. The fact that you've hugely exaggerated Kirk's womanising is hilarious. Like the fist of the Emperor's wrath, indeed.

[rodon]

For some reason, I can just see the reason why Kirk has a Eldar corsair is he came too close to seducing a Farseer for his own good, thus the others decided on getting him out of there and hopefully get him around something that can kill him.

Sp'hak's thoughts are most likely that the captain is a typical Mon-Keigh, but at least he has the brains to get some more attractive followers than the normal horribly scared characters most Imperials get. The fact that they can do their jobs is a plus.

The ground troops likely appreciate the captain's choices, despite his rather prolific modes, he is likely one of the better liked captains to be under.