StarDestroyer.Net BBS

A humanoid alien with an avian head-- Sachiel, Angel of Water-- stood still as a fireball bloomed, followed by a mushroom cloud, a harvest of death and destruction not seen since a nuclear war consumed India and Pakistan shortly after the Second Impact.

Cheers and laughter thundered in the Command Center as Japan Strategic Self-Defense Force (JSSDF) officers, serving under the United Nations' aegis, celebrated what they believed was the alien's destruction. Static clouded the monitor as the question "Condition of target?" was answered with "Undetermined due to radio wave interference." "With such a massive explosion, it must have been destroyed."

An operator calmly stated, "Sensors again operational," as the static cleared to show the colors red, orange, and yellow; the stoic and professional veneer collapsed with the words, "A high-energy reaction detected at the center of the explosion!"

"What the hell...?"

"Visuals restored." Countless cameras began sending information to the Command Center, replacing those blinded when the non-nuclear (N²) warhead detonated with kilotons of destructive energy.

The alien's appearance-- standing tall, violet ichor ebbing from fresh wounds-- was followed by the JSSDF officers' despair and resignation, the overwhelming sense of impotency in the face of Sachiel's power. "That was our trump card!" "Unbelievable!" "It's a monster!"

Two men watched from an elevated platform behind the JSSDF officers, their stoicism near mocking the JSSDF officers' panic. "It's healing itself-- regenerating-- as expected," Fuyutsuki Kozo said.

"If it didn't, it would be useless as an autonomous weapon system," added Ikari Gendo.

These two-- respectively the Subcommander and Commander of NERV, a UN agency whose reason for being was to destroy the Angels-- watched a second head emerge from Sachiel's chest, beside the one injured in the explosion. "Its abilities and its strength have increased. Impressive," Kozo commented.

"In addition, it acquired intelligence-- we have been weighed on its scales and found wanting."

Kozo began saying, "It's only a matter of time before the Angel..."

"Strike Leader, this is Command. Commence second strike against Target Alpha; I say again, commence second strike against Target Alpha."

All attention was now on the black man, a United States Army officer whose tranquility stood out more so than his skin color and his afro.

A JSSDF officer began, "Black-san, our available weapons are ineffective..."

"That's why we have eight Ravens circling the monster," he referred to the FB-22 bomber variant of the F-22 fighter. "We just expended one SRAM," AGM-131 Short-range Attack Missile II. "We have 15 we can use right this minute, plus 64 at Misawa," a US Air Force Base north of Tokyo-3. "Fry that son-of-a-bitch."

The second missile was already in the air when Gendo began, "But...!" Then the warhead detonated, drowning out the bearded man's protest.

Minutes later, the report, "Visuals restored... again," was followed by the sight of a giant 'X'-- Sachiel, the two heads staring at each other from opposite sides of a torso split from shoulder to hip, literally trying to pull itself together as it swayed to and fro, arms flailing and knees buckling. "It's still alive?!"

"Not for long." The black man just confirmed every Japanese person's worst fear-- he'd use weapon after weapon of mass destruction (WMD) until the monster was destroyed, or until he ran out of WMD.

Sachiel's eyes widened as the Angel's arms rose... to display a sign labeled, "ARE YOU INSANE?"

Words burst from the JSSDF officers' mouths, like bullets from a machine gun, as they discussed the meaning of Sachiel's actions. "Is the Angel attempting to communicate with us?" "If so, who is it addressing?" "To the...?" The JSSDF officers glanced at the black man.

Sachiel lowered and wiped its forearms upon the sign; it now read, "I'M TALKING TO SIDEWINDER-- THE AUTHOR".

"And his reply is for you to stop breaking the Fourth Wall, or you're phaser fodder in the next 'Gung-Ho Gun Hos' story," words that made the JSSDF officers shudder. The black man began, "Strike Leader, this is Control. Commence..."

"Wait!" Gendo and Kozo, their faces red from running, stood before the black man. "Let us... NERV... handle the situation," they said between labored breaths. "Please!"

The black man raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You geniuses sure you can handle this by yourself?"

"Yes... Sir." Sweat fogged up Gendo's sunglasses, forcing him take them off and wipe the red-tinted lenses. "NERV... exists... to defeat the Angels." The bearded man looked less intimidating-- almost human-- without his glasses.

"We don't... have to sacrifice... the city... Tokyo-3... to do so," Kozo added.

The black man shrugged. "Very well. Don't hesitate to call for help if things get out of your control." He rose from his chair and marched out... of this story.

First Lieutenants Hyuga Makoto and Aoba Shigeru turned to each other. "Who the hell is that guy?" "General Black? He's a supporting character from the 'Bad Anime' series." "I thought he was a self-insert?" "No, General Black has a single handgun. The self-insert always has two, like Chow Yun-Fat."

The JSSDF officers said, "Mister Ikari, you have command of this operation from this point on. We'll observe how you handle the situation," and, "We expect much from you." Their computer consoles lowered into a corridor the floor, from which the officers may ride a secure subway to safety.

Kozo graciously accepted a bottle of water from Makoto, took a sip, and then asked, "UN forces can't help us-- well, they can, but they'll probably vaporize NERV Headquarters in the process. What are you going to do?"

Gendo's face was again an iron mask, his thoughts hidden behind the sunglasses. "I'll activate Evangelion Unit 01."

"Unit 01? But we have no pilot."

"That will not be a problem; another is being delivered."

A skeptical Kozo frowned. "From where?"

"That is irrelevant."

"It is relevant. Sidewinder-san is a gun nut and a US military veteran; he will not hesitate to use WMD to secure victory. If the pilot is an American, Tokyo-3 may be-- will be 'bombed back to the Stone Age,' as the Americans are fond of saying. I did not join NERV to see all our works destroyed-- likely by accident, but the death and destruction will be no less real."

Gendo began, "The Children are children. I am his father; he will not dare..." Kozo was already out of earshot. "Foolish old man."

"Lieutenant Aoba, please research Sidewinder's stories and find me a position in the US military," the subcommander ordered.

The long-haired man was obviously surprised at the request. "Okay, but... why do you want to join the US military, Sir?"

"Because the author's former brothers-in-arms are least likely to be killed, crippled, or castrated by the end of his stories."

"Good point, Sir." 'I better improve my English-- Spanish too.'

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Special thanks to Stas Bush.

***

The demonic visage-- a metal mask with triangular teeth locked together like a beartrap, a blade antenna jutting between golden eyes-- appeared before the 14-year-old boy.

Shinji Ikari-- a US citizen, his surname followed his given name-- frowned at the giant robot. "Why is there a dick on its forehead?"

A dozen human heads simultaneously banged against floors, walls, and safety rails-- in Gendo's case, the bulletproof glass of the window before him. "What?!"

Shinji pointed at the horn-like antenna on Evangelion Unit 01. "Is that thing supposed to be a hard-on? Uncle Takeshi has a friend in the 160th, who gave me a Battlehawk ride on my birthday," he referred to the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment, which operated the AH-60 attack variant of the UH-60 utility helicopter. "I know what guns and cable cutters look like, and I know that's no gun or cable cutter. It's too damn obsolete to be a radio antenna-- the Air Force upgraded all its stealth fighters with flush-mounted antennas decades ago-- so what the hell is it? And who painted it a gay ass shade of purple? The pilot will die of humiliation long before the enemy has it in range."

"That is the Multipurpose Humanoid Fighting Machine Evangelion, the product of my efforts, and the human race's only salvation," Gendo said, trying to recover his dignity. When he received his son's attention, the bearded man said, "It's been a long time," and then, "Move out."

"Move out? But Unit 00 is locked down!" Captain Katsuragi Misato protested. "You-- you intend to activate Unit 01?" the purple fighting machine before them.

Doctor Ibuki Maya, director of the project that created the Evangelion, explained, "We have no other options."

"But...!" A skeptical Misato frowned at the brunette. "Isn't that Ritsuko's line? She's supposed to be Director of Project Eva."

"This is a side story to 'The Rear End of Evangelion'. Akagi Naoko-sensei and Ritsuko-sensei are in China right now, transforming Evangelion Unit 08 into the Chinese Air Force's H-8 bomber."

"Then why is Shinji here? He's supposed to be in America right now."

"The Commander demanded custody of his son. This is the author's way of saying, 'Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it.'" Maya turned to Shinji. "Ikari Shinji-kun, you must board Evangelion Unit 01," she said-- tried to say-- cold-heartedly.

"But Rei required a full seven months to learn to synchronize with the Eva!" Misato used an abbreviation for 'Evangelion.' "And Maya-chan, you can stop trying to take Ritsuko's place as the ice queen. I can still read Shinji-kun's face; it says, 'I am not impressed.'"

"Oh." Maya's expression softened. "At present, stopping the Angel is top priority. Even if he has minimal potential to synchronize with the Eva..."

"That gay ass thing?" Shinji started a second round of head-banging.

"Shinji, I summoned you so you may board Evangelion Unit 01 and pilot it in battle against the Angel. Stop crying and enter the entry plug-- the cockpit," Gendo growled.

Shinji countered, "With no prior training? Am I a kamikaze pilot now? Do I get a cute little suicide bomb to go with that big gay robot?"

Gendo's frustration mirrored his son's. "We do not have time for this."

"Yes we do," Kozo drew the bearded man's attention to a monitor.

Sachiel's sign now read, "TAKE YOUR TIME-- TAKE A FULL SIX YEARS IF YOU WANT".

"Very well. Doctor Ibuki, load the training program," Gendo ordered.

The order "Launch!" was given as the clock counted to midnight. Electromagnetic rails, an application of magnetic levitation technology, carried the Eva out of the underground fortress where NERV Headquarters was.

Sachiel greeted its enemy with energy beams that formed crosses after they struck their target. The neural interface allowing Shinji to control the Eva, sent feedback-- a burning, piercing pain-- to report the fighting machine was damaged.

"Ahhhh!" The attack launched the Eva across the street, until the fighting machine landed on its back, dozens of meters away from its original location. Sachiel sent forth beam after beam, knowing if the enemy had a moment to catch his breath, the Angel would breathe its last.

"Shinji-kun, quick! Get up right this minute, or you never will!" Misato shouted, expressing unusually great concern for a boy she met today.

"Status of Unit 01's defenses?" Gendo asked, unusually calm for a father watching the Angel of Death come for his son, flesh of his flesh and blood of his blood.

"It's not receiving the signal!" "The field is not yet deployed!" Maya and Makoto replied as successive attacks sent the Eva rolling away from the enemy. "The armor can't take much more of this!" "We're all going to die!"

Then Unit 01's fingers dug into the road surface, anchoring the Eva.

"Shinji-kun!" Misato cried as Unit 01 clawed itself on a foot and a knee, like a sprinter. An invisible wall-- the absolute terror (AT) field-- rose before the crouching Eva, shielding it from enemy attacks.

"Unit 01 has deployed its AT field," Maya reported. "It's neutralizing the phased space," Sachiel's AT field created.

"Roarrrr!" With that, the Eva charged. Sachiel's bony mask cracked and then shattered before Unit 01's metal-clad knuckles. Otherworldly flowers bloomed before the Eva-- Sachiel's blood staining Unit 01's AT field before the violet ichor dripped onto the ground. The questions "Weapons-- how do I arm the robot's weapons?" shook the Command Center as Shinji rained blow after blow upon the fallen Angel.

"Um, Ikari-kun, the Eva has no integral weapon systems," Maya quietly explained.

"What?!" Then the boy screamed as pain, burning pain, pierced his thigh-- Sachiel's talon extended a bony spike it thrust into Unit 01's leg.

"The pellet and positron rifles are being shipped to Tokyo-3 as we speak; they'll arrive by 1000 hours tomorrow," Misato added as the Angel grabbed Unit 01's head and slammed the Eva against a building beside them.

"Argh!" Unit 01's right hand covered the talon gripping its head, locking it in place; the left reached and then tore out two of Sachiel's eyes. "Whose," the bony spike broke as a metal-clad knee slammed against the Angel's crotch, "bright," Sachiel found itself lying on its chest, the right arm rising like a flagpole behind its back-- an unnatural position, even for an unnatural life form, "idea," Shinji pulled, tearing the Angel's arm out its socket, "was it," Unit 01 straddled Sachiel, locking the Angel's left arm against its torso, "to design," metal-clad knuckles hammered Sachiel's spine, "a big," a vertebra shattered under the blow, crushing the nerves it once protected-- Sachiel's right side was now paralyzed from the neck down, "gay," crack, "robot," crunch, "with," squirt, "no," splatter, "guns?" splash! Violet ichor rose from the Angel's wounds, like water from a fountain.

Sachiel's right arm regenerated, strengthening itself... to display a sign labeled, "I SURRENDER-- PLEASE DON'T KILL ME".

Misato frowned at the screen before her. "You give up? You won't wrap yourself around Unit 01, self-destruct and try to destroy your enemy as well?"

The Angel's sign now read, "YOU THINK I'M A BAKA BOMB?" suicide attack aircraft of World War II. "YOU THINK I WANT TO KILL MYSELF?" started a third round of head-banging.

Misato began, "Commander, may we deviate from the script by...?"

Gendo turned to a mummified Ayanami Rei-- a 14-year-old girl whose injuries should leave her bedridden for the rest of the week, not standing before the bearded man, offering him water and aspirin. "Whatever." He swallowed a handful of pills.

Kozo began, "I warned you..."

"Shut up, Old Man," Gendo demanded as he poured another handful of aspirin.

***

N00B GUN NUT EVANGELION

***

"Alone?" Misato wondered aloud.

"Yes, his room is located in Block 06." The Security and Intelligence Division, Section 2, officer turned to his newest charge. "Is that...?"

"Wait!" Maya drew everyone's attention as she ran towards the boy. "I asked for and received permission to take care of Ikari-kun." Her arms encircled Shinji-- to her, he was the last life preserver on a sinking ship-- as she whispered, "I'll even give you the password for my TV's parental controls, so you can watch AVs," adult videos.

A skeptical Misato frowned at the brunette. "I thought you swung the other way? Besides, look at this," she squeezed Shinji's biceps and felt hard muscle, strengthened by years of martial arts training. "There's no way we can put him in a skirt and pretend he's a girl."

"The Commander," Maya stopped herself from breaking the Fourth Wall, "just stated his intention to inspect my residence and ensure I didn't," she shivered, "violate regulations by bringing classified information home. If Ikari-kun is my roommate, the Commander is less likely to come, and I have an excuse to decline a request to," another shiver, "work overtime, under his supervision."

"And you're confident Shinji-kun will not tear off your clothes and take you against your will?"

"The Uniform Code of Military Justice, Article 120, states the maximum punishments for rape are 'dishonorable discharge, death or confinement for life, and forfeiture of all pay and allowances.' You can be confident I do not want a dishonorable discharge, the forfeiture of all my earnings, and a bullet in my head-- if I'm lucky." Shinji felt the shock in everyone's eyes upon him. "My uncle's an Army officer. He's teaching me the shit I need to know on a promotion board."

"You didn't break the Fourth Wall, did you?" the Section 2 officer asked. "I don't want to become phaser fodder!"

"Fine. Just get me a fireproof gun cabinet and a firearms license, so the police won't bust my ass when Uncle Takeshi delivers my survival gun," the boy deadpanned.

"Consider it done!" Maya was already leading an impassive Shinji out of the room when understanding dawned upon Misato and the Section 2 agent.

"Survival gun?"

I don't know what's happening!!!

Battlehymn Republic wrote:I don't know what's happening!!!

This story is set in an AU where an ACC ("Uncle Takeshi," Gendo's brother-in-law) becomes Shinji's guardian after Gendo decides being a single parent is a waste of his time. This ACC, a US Army officer, becomes a role model, i.e., what Gendo EPIC FAILed to be (expect lots of cynical and politically incorrect comments from the Third Children). The original cast know they're in an AU- they bring this up whenever they break the Fourth Wall- and they're trying to deal with this the best they can.

Suzuhara Toji opened the classroom door to see more empty seats than students. "Where is everybody?"

"They fled to safer havens. Many were transferred to other schools-- not surprising, considering the city is now a battlefield," Aida Kensuke answered.

Toji frowned. "Do you really want our hometown to be a battlefield, complete with collateral damage and UFO everywhere?"

"You mean UXO-- unexploded ordnance," the bespectacled boy corrected his friend.

"Whatever."

"Toji, are you okay?" Class President Horaki Hikari asked. "You were absent since the robot appeared."

"With good reason-- the giant robot demolished our house." Toji heard a gasp escape the girl's lips. "No one was hurt-- my family was in the designated shelter when it happened-- but," a clenched fist rose between the two, "I ain't satisfied until I feed that piece-of-shit pilot a knuckle sandwich."

"By the way, did you hear anything about the transfer student?" Kensuke changed the subject.

"Transfer student?"

The bespectacled boy pointed across the room. "That's him. He transferred here while you were gone, right after the giant robot incident. Isn't that unusual?"

'He' was Shinji, who fell asleep while sitting straight in his chair. The teacher failed to notice the Eva pilot's inattentiveness-- or the students who were obviously asleep, their heads resting on their desks, or their chairs reclining against the desks behind them. The elderly man droned on... and on... as the students' attention bled from the grievous boredom he inflicted.

A flashing light drew the pilot's attention to his school laptop. The question "Are you really the pilot of that giant robot? Y/N" appeared onscreen, followed by "You are, aren't you?"

Toji frowned when the answer "No" appeared onscreen, and turned to Shinji. "Will you just follow the script? You say, 'Yes,' I hit you for demolishing my house, and then you save my life by taking me into Unit 01's entry plug when the Fourth Angel attacks, demonstrating how big a hero you are."

Then the pilot's eyes-- cold, calculating, like a viper's as it prepared to strike-- met a shivering Toji's, sending the fear of death down the school jock's spine. "The only way this will end well, is if we both walk away before the first punch is thrown."

Toji's mouth opened and closed; no words emerged until he was confident he would not stutter and reveal weakness. "What's the bad ending?"

"I walk away, and you're carried away-- to the emergency room if you're lucky, to the morgue if you're not."

Toji's mouth opened to protest, but Hikari spoke for the jock.

"Suzuhara-kun, stop breaking the Fourth Wall!"

"Yes, Ma'am."

***

N00B GAY ASS EVANGELION

***

"I got to see it-- just once before I die!" Kensuke exclaimed.

Toji frowned at his friend. "The battle outside?" the bomb shelter.

"I'm afraid if the next enemy comes... oomph!" Kensuke was muffled when the jock's hand covered his mouth.

Toji looked around the latrine. "Shinji is now an American gun nut, all out-of-character," he whispered. "If we do as we did Episode Three of the TV series, he might not try to save us when the Angel comes. He might even stomp on us as he charges towards the Angel-- likely by accident, but we'll be just as dead." Sensing an unspoken question, he added, "I don't want the author to know I broke the Fourth Wall."

Kensuke pushed away Toji's hand. "He already knows! And don't touch me with hands you just used to hold your cock as you pee!"

The jock grimaced. "Sorry." He turned to the sink and washed his hands; when he turned back, the bespectacled boy was gone. "Kensuke, you moron!"

Shamshel, Angel of the Sun, coiled a tentacle around Unit 01's ankle. "Shrieeeek!" Then the squid-like alien threw the Eva towards a hill from which Kensuke watched the battle.

"Shit!" The bespectacled boy turned and began to run; then Unit 01 fell on its back, sending shock waves knocking Kensuke off his feet.

The Command Center was in furor as its personnel analyzed this Angel's abilities. If Sachiel was the night, Shamshel was the day; such were their differences.

"Damage report!" Misato demanded.

Makoto's fingers danced on the keyboard. "Minimal damage-- Unit 01 remains operational."

Then Unit 01's gun camera captured a silhouette at the edge of Shinji's peripheral vision; Kensuke's school identification appeared below the bespectacled boy onscreen.

Misato's eyes widened. "Shinji's classmate?"

"Why isn't he in his designated shelter?" Maya wondered aloud.

Shamshel's tentacles thrashed at Unit 01, missing the Eva by a hand's span as Shinji rolled away from the attack. Kensuke had no time to scream before the burning red tentacle struck him; luckily, his wounds were cauterized, as the Angel meant to burn through Unit 01's armor.

The Command Center personnel collectively winced. "Ouch." Maya turned to Misato. "Should you order Ikari-kun to let-- what's his name, Kenny-- into the entry plug before retreating?"

Unit 01 grabbed a tentacle to pull the Angel closer. The other tentacle coiled around the Eva's neck, but Shinji literally beat Shamshel to the punch. "Do you," the Angel flew backward and then forward, becoming a monstrous yo-yo as a pull followed each blow, "know," crack, "who," crunch, "you're," squirt, "fucking," clatter, splatter, "with?" splash!

The armor protecting Shamshel's super solenoid (S²) organ-- the Angel's power source-- lay fragmented on the ground. Violet ichor dripped from Unit 01's right hand; the left gripped the tentacle it tore free. Shamshel had the strength for one last blow; the Angel used it to raise a sign labeled, "I GIVE UP-- YOU WIN".

Misato frowned at the screen before her. "Why did the author think Shinji-kun would be a better pilot if he grew up in America?"

Unit 01 shrugged, mirroring its pilot. "Could be worse. If I grew up in Russia-- unconcerned about innocent bystanders, collateral damage, and shit like that-- I will nuke the city to get this guy," the Eva pointed at Shamshel, "and I mean nuke-- one-point-oh megaton of fiery death and destruction. Then I'll go home and toast myself-- with vodka, like any good Russian-- while you people deal with the radioactive and political fallout."

Everyone in earshot, including the Angel, paled. "Conceded." "CONCEDED".

Gendo entered the Eva cage, where Maya was supervising Unit 01's repairs. "Status of...?" He noticed Unit 01's horn was significantly shorter-- a cable cutter replaced the blade antenna-- the shoulders no longer mounted wing-like pylons, clearing the Eva pilot's peripheral vision. "What the hell are you doing?!" he demanded as the maintenance crew painted the fighting machine olive drab.

A crewmember began, "Pilot Ikari said the Eva looked gay..."

His coworker pointed at the name now stenciled on Unit 01's shoulders and forearms. "It's an 'Eviscerator' now."

The crewmember shrugged. "Whatever. Pilot Ikari said Unit 01 looked gay..."

"Sounds gay too-- remember the AVs he showed us?"

"How can I forget? That Eva Angelina," a third crewmember's hands formed cups as he thought of the porn star's breasts. "Oh! I envy America for having women that hot!"

"We decided to repaint the Eva-- Eviscerator," Maya corrected herself, "to raise the Children's morale."

"But...!" The bearded man whispered, "Purple was Yui's favorite color," thinking of his late wife-- Shinji's mother, who designed the Evangelions.

A confused Maya said, "I'm sorry, please repeat that, Commander."

Gendo's fist clenched. "I will speak to the Third Children and put him in his place." He turned and stomped out the Eva cage.

***

N00B GRAPHIC VIOLENCE EVANGELION

***

Kensuke found himself in an empty room. "Where am I?" A 14-year-old boy and a 29-year-old woman appeared before him; the two stood faced each other, seemingly unaware of the bespectacled boy. "The transfer student?"

"Why did you disobey...?" A frustrated Misato put a hand on her forehead. "Wait, I didn't get to order you to retreat. This story is fucking up the TV series in every way." The raven-haired beauty turned to Kensuke. "What are you doing here?"

The bespectacled boy shrugged. "I'd tell you if I knew where 'here' was."

"Wait, you're unconscious now. This is supposed to be a dream-- Toji-kun's dream," Misato referred to Episode 19 of the television series. "Rei-chan!" The girl appeared before them. "Don't let the author fuck up the story worse than it already is." Then the beautiful tactician disappeared.

"Yes, Captain." Rei disappeared and then reappeared with two folding chairs, which she set facing each other. "Please be seated, Ikari-kun." After they sat down, the female albino asked, "Ikari-kun, why did you do that?"

"I'm sorry for what happened to-- what's his name, Kenny Something-- but shit happens in wars."

"Did you try to understand your father's feelings?" Rei continued.

A skeptical Shinji frowned. "Understand his feelings... about what?"

"Ikari-kun, please follow the script. Your next line is 'I did.' I repeat the question, you say, 'I said I did,' and then I accuse you of running away from conflict."

"It's impossible for me to act the way I did in the TV series," Shinji countered. "The author all but rewrote my biography-- my life from ages four through 14. A gun fetish is the least remarkable trait I gained."

A skeptical Kensuke frowned. "You don't tell yourself, 'I must not run away,' in the face of battle?"

"Hell no! Now I say, 'I'm not paid enough to deal with this shit,'" Shinji answered.

"Wait, Misato-san said Toji was supposed to appear in this scene. Does this mean I'm a gimp now?" the bespectacled boy used a derogative term for the physically disabled.

"Affirmative," the albino answered.

"This sucks! I would've given an arm and a leg to pilot an Evangelion! I just gave a limb, but NERV won't make me a pilot!"

"NERV will compensate you by providing you a cloned limb, and granting you the status of reserve Eva pilot," Rei added.

"Really?" Happiness poured forth from Kensuke's heart. "Yahoo!"

"Do you know what the hell that means? Cloned organs are still in development; that means you'll be the guinea pig. Don't be surprised if your new limb becomes a great serpent and bites off your head, like King Hiss'," Shinji referred to a character in 'He-Man and the Masters of the Universe'.

"That's a small price to pay for the honor-- the privilege of piloting the most powerful weapon known to man."

"No, the Tsar Bomb is the most powerful weapon known to man. Hell, the Soviets deliberately halved its output from the original 100 megatons, so the bomb wouldn't destroy the very expensive bomber dropping it. As nutty as they are, I'm glad an American is writing this story. A Russian will declare Tokyo-3 and its inhabitants as regrettable but necessary sacrifices; you know what happens next."

Reality was a locomotive, hitting the bespectacled boy as he walked along the railway to fantasy. "Oh."

"It is time," Rei stated. With that...

"You have special permission to visit him-- no more than five minutes," a nurse said.

Toji began, "But... oomph!"

"Yes, Ma'am. We sincerely thank you for your help," Hikari said as her hand covered the jock's mouth.

Kensuke awoke to find himself on a hospital bed. "Oh, hey Toji, hey Class President," he greeted.

"Aida-kun, are you okay?" Hikari asked.

The bespectacled boy's head turned to see empty space where his left leg was. "It looks like I'm alive. I thought the transfer student was here? Was it...?" Kensuke frowned at the splint on Toji's right arm, immobilizing the limb from collarbone to knuckle. "It was no dream, was it?"

"Ikari-kun came to apologize for what happened to you, but you were still unconscious, so he left flowers," Hikari pointed at a bouquet of yellow roses, "for you."

Toji began, "I was gonna teach him a lesson... ah!" he cried when Hikari pinched his bandaged forearm.

"Ikari-kun warned you what would happen if you fought him," the girl rebuked. "You were lucky he only broke your arm..."

"And dislocated it," the jock interrupted.

"If he broke your neck or your back, he wouldn't be prosecuted for killing or crippling you."

"I didn't hit him..."

"But you threw the first punch! He can say he acted in self-defense, in a court of law!"

"Damn Americans and their Second Amendment," Toji growled.

Hikari ignored the jock as she turned to the bespectacled boy. "You were unconscious for three days, Aida-kun."

"Was I? For three whole days?" A skeptical Kensuke frowned at the girl. "Wait, you're supposed to visit a hospitalized Toji in Episode 19, because you're secretly in love with him. Does this mean you...?" His eyes widened as he turned to his friend. "Don't tell me this is a yaoi story!" a sexually explicit one about male homosexuals.

"I doubt it, considering all the politically incorrect comments the transfer student tossed out," Toji bitterly spat.

***

N00B GET TO THE POINT EVANGELION

***

'I got to relax,' Misato thought as she entered the pistol range to work off her stress. "Shinji-kun?"

"Hey!" A smiling man, wearing an Advanced Combat Uniform (ACU), approached the tactician. "Are you Doctor Ibuki? Thanks for taking care of my nephew."

"No, Uncle Takeshi, that's Captain Katsuragi-- the 'bad cop' to Doc's 'good cop,'" Shinji corrected.

"Ah, my bad." Major Takeshi Ikari was only five centimeters taller than the woman, but he seemed to tower over Misato; such was the US Army Special Forces operator's presence.

'So this is Shinji-kun's role model.' "Good morning, Ikari-san." The tactician began to bow, but stopped when Takeshi raised a hand.

"Just call me Talk Shit, like everyone E6 and above," the smiling soldier referred to a staff sergeant's pay grade.

"Good morning... Takeshi-san." Misato turned to see the boy attach a stock to a High Standard Victor pistol-turned-carbine. "That's your survival gun?"

"It's accurate, reliable, has a waterproof holster," Shinji knocked on the hollow stock, "and I can get .22 Long Rifle rounds anywhere." He noticed Misato's frown. "You don't approve."

"I don't think children should play with deadly weapons," the woman admitted.

The boy raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Eviscerator Unit 01 is not a deadly weapon?"

"The Evangelion," she emphasized her disapproval of the new name, "was designed to defend the human race from the Angels, not to kill other humans."

Takeshi began laughing. "What makes you think humans will ever stop killing other? Do you seriously believe the UN will never think, 'The Eviscerator is just what we need to deal with X antigovernment forces in Y country!' and deploy it?"

Misato began, "NERV will never...!"

"Do you think children should go to school?" Shinji interrupted.

A confused Misato answered, "Yes..."

"School is full of things I can use to kill everyone in class." Shinji watched the woman grow paler as he continued, "Pens and pencils will kill a man if it reaches the brain via the eye, temple, or ear; if it pierces the trachea or the major arteries; if it reaches between the skull and first vertebra, to sever the spinal cord; if it reaches between the ribs, to the heart and lungs. Windows, eyeglasses, and anything else made of glass-- I can break them, make a shiv, tape up one end to protect my hands, and slash away," he referred to improvised knives. "Chairs and tables are perfect for fracturing skulls, crushing tracheas, and collapsing lungs. Shirt sleeves, pant legs, socks, and shoelaces are garrotes. My bare hands and feet are deadly weapons with training, which I have. Should we confiscate the children's pens and pencils, making them use crayons? Put them in the basement with no windows to break? Remove the chairs and tables, making them sit on the floor? Make the students attend school naked? Amputate every boy and girl's hands and feet?"

A shivering Misato answered, "I get the point." She turned to the door as it slammed open. "Commander!"

Gendo stomped towards his son. "Shinji!" Bang! A spent casing hit the bearded man's forehead. "Ow! Hot! Ah! Unhand me!" he demanded as strong hands pulled him away from the boy, onto the floor.

"Gendo, you worthless cunt! Are you suicidal, or just stupid?" the soldier demonstrated why his brother-in-law dreaded him more than all the Angels combined.

Gendo's hand rose to adjust his sunglasses, only for the broken frame to clatter onto the floor. "You..."

"You just marched towards a firing lane without clearance from range control-- me!" Takeshi pointed a thumb at himself, like an American; a Japanese person would use an index finger. "As tempting as it is to let you learn from this mistake the hard way, I doubt Shinji needs the additional trauma of accidentally killing his father!" Takeshi was not one to keep his opinions to himself. He never approved of his sister's choice of a husband-- the man formerly known as Rokubungi Gendo adopted the Ikari family's illustrious name after the wedding-- and he never failed to let Gendo know this.

"I have words for my son..."

"And he doesn't have to listen, considering you practically abandoned him after Yui-- my sister, in case you forgot, you gold-digging whore-- passed away!"

Gendo's fist clenched and then loosened. He knew the consequences of losing his temper-- Takeshi broke Gendo's arm last time-- he couldn't afford to appear weak before his subordinates. The bearded man turned to Shinji. "I will speak to you later." He turned and stomped out the room.

Misato faced a wall so her commander wouldn't see her smile. 'That really made my day.'

Shinji holstered the pistol and turned to see the door slam shut. "Please say again, Uncle Takeshi." He heard nothing coherent through his headphones; hearing protection was mandatory at indoor ranges.

"Great shooting!" the soldier replied. "Continue to scan your lane," for targets.

SEELE was the secret society controlling the world-- the fate of the entire human race-- through its pawns, including the UN and NERV. Despite the awesome power it wielded, Gendo knew how helpless it was as the SEELE members' holograms faced him.

"Units 00 and 01's repair costs would consume a nation's entire GDP," gross domestic product, the market value of all goods and services it produced in a year.

"And why did you spend," a SEELE member turned pages of a file outside the holographic camera's field of view, "one million euros on olive drab paint?"

'Damn the Third Children!' "To camouflage Unit 01 and improve its operational efficiency in urban warfare," the bearded man unintentionally told the truth.

The SEELE members glared at Gendo. "You need a better excuse than that." "You reportedly gave that toy to your son. Did you repaint the Eva to appeal to his aesthetics?" "Lives, time, and money... How much will you and your son spend before you are finally satisfied?"

"Let Evangelion Unit 01 be." Keel Lorenz, leader of SEELE, looked and felt like hell. "The Third Children consumes munitions-- and the money we spend on munitions-- like junk food, thanks to Mister 'I can't waste time on an impossible child, so take him away to the United States of Gun Fetish.' We licensed the Evangelion's design to toy companies, just to pay telecommunication companies for these conferences! It will do no harm to make the Eva appeal to children-- those young enough to point at a toy and say, 'I want one!' and whose parents are willing to buy it and appease them-- we can use the royalties." He studied another file. "Let us return to the main topic."

"The Human Instrumentality Project." "The single point of light in the darkness of the coming trials." "You must not let the project fall behind schedule, at any cost." "Don't say that!" "Say what?" "'At any cost.' Considering the impact on our personal finances, we might-- will regret signing a blank check to him!"

"Enough!" Keel silenced the other members. "Ikari, you and I have passed the point of no return."

Gendo knew how helpless SEELE was, because he was just as helpless. "I understand; the human race is running out of time."

***

N00B GUITAR HAMMER-ON EVANGELION

***

A manmade storm raged upon the ocean as a Mil Mi-55D heavy transport helicopter flew overhead.

Kensuke's camcorder strained to capture everything in and outside the aircraft. "I never thought I'd get a chance to fly one! Thanks, Shinji! You're a great friend!"

"Say again?" Shinji heard nothing through his headphones and earplugs; double-hearing protection was mandatory in military aircraft, many of which lacked soundproofing.

"I think it's stuffy to be in that damn mountain, day after day, so I asked you all on a date." Misato heard nothing as well.

"Yeah, the Bulls really kick ass," Toji referred to a basketball team.

The woman pointed out the window. "There's our cruise ship! Isn't she...?" She frowned, raised binoculars to her eyes, and focused on a Nimitz class aircraft carrier. "USS... Harry S. Truman?! She was renamed 'Over the Rainbow' in the TV series!"

A note fell onto the woman's lap, reading, "Would you rather cruise on the starships 'Enola Gay' and 'Bockscar', from 'Gung-Ho Gun Hos'?"

"Bullshit!" Misato crumbled the author's note, dropped it on the floor, and repeatedly stomped on the paper wad. "That son-of-a-bitch author is pissing me off!"

"Wow! Five carriers and four battleships!" Kensuke exclaimed, oblivious to everything else.

The bespectacled boy ran around the 40-meter-tall fighting machine on the flight deck, his camcorder capturing the red-and-yellow Evangelion aboard the Ulyanovsk, a Soviet aircraft carrier serving as an armed cargo ship. "Wow! Good, good, good, good! I might not get close-ups of the Soviet Navy's fixed-wing aircraft, but...!" Then his prosthetic leg became numb, and Kensuke fell. "Ow! Stupid doctor-- 'We live in an era when the Science is God,' of bullshit!" he repeated Maya's words to him after the operation. He saw a baseball cap tumbling on deck. "Eh?" The bespectacled boy sat up, facing Toji. "You're not going to dive for your new hat?"

"And get slapped-- twice-- for accidentally looking up Asuka's skirt?" the jock countered.

"The first was for the accident; the second was for intentionally and stupidly flashing her," Shinji referred to Episode Eight.

Toji's fist clenched and then loosened. "Hey, if you can grow the spine you ain't supposed to have, I can grow the brain I ain't supposed to..."

"Yaaaa!"

A replica of musician Paul McCartney's guitar-- Rickenbacker Model 4001C64-- hammered the back of Toji's head, launching him forwards. "Ahhhh!"

A pink-haired, golden-eyed girl raised the guitar, preparing to hammer the jock's forehead. "And...!" Bang! She nearly dropped her guitar when a hollow-point bullet flattened itself upon the instrument.

Smoke rose from the High Standard pistol muzzle. "Touch my friend again, and I'll lobotomize you," Shinji coldly said.

"Okay." The girl put the baseball cap on Toji's head, covering the growing lump. "Here's your hat."

Misato frowned when she recognized the girl. "Haruhara Haruko? What are you doing here? And where the hell is Asuka?"

"I'm Officer First Class Haruha Harueva Raharu, Galactic Police Force, attached to Soviet Naval Aviation with the effective rank of senior lieutenant." The girl grabbed and shook Misato's hand. "I'm here because Asuka Langley-Soryu's in a mental hospital right now."

"But you're not one of the Children! You're not even in a 'FLCL' story!" Misato referred to an animated series starring Haruko, alias Raharu.

"I'm a space alien with superhuman powers! Piloting an Evangelion is child's play!" the girl exclaimed.

"But...!"

A man with extremely thick eyebrows appeared. "Major Misato Katsuragi?" he greeted, following a naval custom of temporarily promoting captains from other services. "I am Captain First Rank Amarao Amaraovich Amarao..." The woman clawed at Amarao's forehead. "Ow!" He looked up. "Noooo! My eyebrows!"

Misato crumbled Amarao's fake eyebrows-- two strips of dried seaweed. "This is a 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story! Get the hell out...!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Toji, his arms flailing, drew everyone's attention as the lump grew into a monolith; then the jock lost his balance and fell on his face. "Ow! What the hell...?" The monolith split lengthwise to reveal a mouthful of sharp teeth. "Jaws?!" With that, Gaghiel, Angel of Fish, burst out a wormhole-- the NO channel-- in Toji's head.

"Chaaaance!" Haruha jumped, changed into her plug suit-- an Eva pilot's uniform-- in midair, and landed in the entry plug.

"You didn't say an Angel may attack here and now," Amarao whispered into his satellite communication unit.

"Unit 02 is there for this contingency, as is the reserve pilot," Gendo replied from Tokyo-3.

"But the reserve pilot is useless-- worse, powerless and in need of protection-- without a reserve Eva to pilot."

'Fuck!' "How dare you question me?! I am a genius-- a mastermind! My plan will work, and all will occur according to my schedule!" The bearded man took deep breaths to calm down. "In the worst-case scenario, you may-- must escape by yourself."

"I know."

Shinji and Kensuke, a shoulder under each of Toji's armpits, carried the jock to the helicopter preparing to takeoff.

"Um," a delirious Toji's head turned to see blurs instead of faces, "Shinji?" he asked the darker blur. "You ain't gonna... fight the Angel?"

"With what? Eviscerator Unit 01 is in Tokyo-3," Shinji deadpanned.

"You get... in the cockpit... with Haru-something." The jock laughed. "I said cock!" He fell off his friends' shoulders, onto his back, when another monolith grew from his head. "Ow! What the hell...?" Unit 01 burst out the NO channel and then fell on its face.

"How convenient," the Eviscerator pilot deadpanned.

The Ulyanovsk's bridge was in furor. "Target Alpha is accelerating-- approaching this ship from nine o'clock! Whoa!" Everyone reached for a handhold as the ship rocked. "What was...?"

Misato ran to a window. "How the hell...?" She watched the Eviscerator stand up and draw a handgun-- an M65 field gun in a carriage resembling an M1911A1 pistol frame-- from its thigh holster. "Shinji-kun, draw your progressive knife!" she shouted into the radio.

Shinji sighed. "I asked Doc to lose the knife and make room for a second magazine."

"What?! But close quarters combat is the best way to defeat an Angel!"

"Not if I 'bring enough gun,'" the Eviscerator pilot repeated a big game hunter's mantra.

"Wait," the Ulyanovsk's captain interrupted, "if Evangelion Unit 06 is using the adapter you brought, what's powering Unit 01?" Evangelions lacked integral power plants; the Tokyo-3 municipal power grid generally powered the Evangelions via an umbilical cord. The Mi-55D brought one adapter, allowing the Ulyanovsk's nuclear reactor to power one Eva; the helicopter was unable to carry a spare.

"Shit!" Misato reached and fell forwards, burying the naval officer's head under her breasts. "Ow!" She grabbed the radio handset out of the captain's hands. "Shinji-kun...?"

The Eviscerator pilot answered, "Four minutes and 28 seconds," of power available from Unit 01's integral battery. "Plenty of time to kill."

Unit 06 drew a straight razor, unfolded the blade, and activated a motor in the grip. "Ready or not," Gaghiel jumped out the water, "here I come," the shark-like Angel arced towards the Ulyanovsk, "and get it!" The burning white blade met the corner of Gaghiel's mouth. The Angel split lengthwise, spilling intestines so thick, a truck could drive from stomach to rectum.

"Move!" The Eviscerator dived between Unit 06 and the Angel; the pistol kissed Gaghiel's now exposed S² organ; then Shinji squeezed the trigger, sent a 250-kilogram high explosive shell into the organ, and shattered it.

"I didn't expect you to hog all the glory," Toji commented as Soviet seamen washed Gaghiel's blood off the flight deck.

"I did what I did to neutralize a threat and save lives, not to hog the glory." Shinji finished a can of Whoopass Cola.

"Yaaaa!" Click! Haruha found herself staring at a pistol muzzle; her guitar stopped a centimeter from Shinji's forehead. "I thought a gentleman would never raise arms against a lady."

"I don't want to hit a girl, but if you attack me, then you're an enemy, and the kid gloves are off," Shinji coldly stated.

"Fair enough." The pink-haired girl slung the guitar across her back. "Do you play baseball?"

Amarao entered the office and approached Gendo's desk. "I hope this was worth the trouble it caused." The Soviet officer opened the suitcase to reveal an embryo encased in Bakelite.

The bearded man confidently smiled-- tried to look confident, but he had a child molester's predatory smile. "No cost is too great for Adam, the first human being, core component of the Human Instrumentality Project."

"What now?"

"You do not need to know," Gendo coldly answered.

"I do if you intend to piss off the author. The things he does to characters in his stories..." Amarao shuddered.

The bearded man stood up and slammed a fist against the marble desk. "I recognize no god but Man Himself." 'Don't let him know your pain-- your weaknesses.' Gendo waited for the Soviet officer to leave; then he screamed, "Ah! My hand! Ooh!"

***

N00B GUTS AND GLORY EVANGELION

***

'I look like a fucking Sikh,' Toji stared at his reflection in the window his bandaged head rested on. "Shinji, you grew up in another country. Can you tell me how to handle women like that pink-haired...?"

"Lieutenant Raharu is a loony Russian who claims to be a space alien. I'm a US citizen-- American-- who's yet to visit Russia, a psychiatric hospital, or outer space. How would I know how to handle her?" the pilot countered.

"Mmm, mmm, mmm." A mummified Kensuke meant to tell the jock, 'Consider yourself lucky; at least you don't have Comrade Crazy as a coworker,' but the bandages prevented jaw movement.

Vroom! "What the hell...?" Boom, clatter, clatter! An olive drab Vespa 180 scooter crashed through the door, launching wooden panels across the classroom. "Shit!" "Ahhhh!" The students ducked, covering their heads as the scooter skidded sideways.

Kensuke noticed the rider straddled a recoilless rifle, whose muzzle-- now pointing at the students-- extended through a cutout in the scooter's leg shields. 'A Vespa 150 TAP?' formerly operated by the Troupes aéroportées-- French airborne forces. 'No, that's a Soviet copy of the Carl Gustav!" he identified the weapon mounted under the seat.

The rider parked her scooter behind the teacher's desk, removed her helmet and goggles, and waved. "Hi! I'm your new teacher, Officer First Class Senior Lieutenant Haruha Harueva Raharu! Just call me Comrade Haruha!"

"Shit!" "Mmm." "Suzuhara-kun, Aida-kun, please refrain from using profanity. You're embarrassing the class before our new teacher." "Oh shit!" "Suzuhara-kun, you have detention for... Oh my God!"

"Oh hell," Shinji growled as a hole appeared in the floor-- unable to bear Toji and the growing lump's combined weight-- the jock fell to the floor below, even as the lump-turned-monolith burst through the ceiling.

"How the hell did it sneak up on us?" Makoto wondered aloud.

"It probably emerged from an NO channel." Misato's fist clenched. "If the Children become casualties due to Raharu's actions..."

A satellite image of the New Tokyo-3 First Junior High School-- children fleeing from a burning building, smoke rising from the hole in its roof, an unidentified flying object rocketing away from school-- appeared onscreen. "Why can't we detect its wavelength pattern?" Maya referred to energy an AT field generated. "Why does it look like a Gundamn?" Makoto referred to robots from another TV series.

"This is the XR-79 Gunboy, from 'Mechanized Soldier Gunboy'," a boyish voice radioed. "The United Federation of Earth's..." Wham! "Ow!"

"Shut up, Anne-Marie," Shinji radioed.

"My name is Amano! Amano Rei!" the new boy shouted.

"Oh, the 'Bad Anime' parody of a Gundamn pilot!" Haruha added.

"Um, which Gundamn pilot is he the parody of?" Hikari wondered.

"I don't know; the studio keeps plagiarizing its own work in the 'Gundamn' sequels."

"Ah! Will you get that fucking guitar out of...? Ow! Class President!" Toji protested.

"Watch your language when you're speaking to a teacher, Suzuhara-kun!" Hikari scolded.

The Command Center personnel collectively frowned. "The Gundamn cockpit is big enough-- barely-- for all five of you?" Misato rhetorically questioned.

"Mmm!" 'Seven!' Kensuke meant to say.

Shinji began, "Anne-Marie..."

"Amano!" Wham! "Ow!"

"His robot emerged from the wormhole in Toji's head; then he started shooting and screaming for his boyfriend."

"Charles Assyria is not my boyfriend!" Wham! "Ow!"

"Is it necessary for you to continue joking about others' gender preference?" Rei asked the Eviscerator pilot.

"Let Anne-Marie suffer; the little bitch deserves it," the jock spat.

"Comrade Haruha put a FRAG-12 in the robot's eye," Shinji referred to grenades launched from a 12 gauge shotgun. "After searching for survivors, she dismissed the class, so Anne-Marie's giving us a ride home."

"Ma'am, the JMSDF reports the sighting of a gigantic underwater object, off Kii Peninsula," Shigeru referred to the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Force. "They're forwarding data to us now."

"Analysis confirms a blue pattern-- an Angel," Makoto added.

Misato sighed. "Shinji-kun..."

Another sigh. "I know, I know."

The head-- curiously resembling the yin-yang symbol-- rose from the sea. Then Israfel, Angel of Music, waded towards the shore.

"Remember the," Misato watched Unit 06 charge, swing a sword with a chainsaw blade extending from the hilt, and cut Israfel in half, "plan," one of hers, which the Eva pilots regularly discarded. "I need a new job."

"What the hell...?" Makoto exclaimed as each half grew an arm and a leg; Israfel was now two separate entities.

"Cool!" Unit 06 somersaulted backwards, dodged an Angel's claws, and landed beside Unit 01.

"Command, this is Unit 01. Request permission to exercise nuclear options," Shinji radioed in English.

"Unit 01, this is Command. Permission granted." The reply was in English.

Misato turned to the black man now standing in the Command Center. "What the hell are you doing here?!" she asked in Japanese.

"Pilot Ikari is a US citizen. His weapon, the M65, is US government property," Lt. Gen. Abraham Black explained in Japanese. "He needs authorization from an O7 or above to use tactical nuclear weapons," he referred to a brigadier general's pay grade.

The tactician's eyes widened. "Did you say...?" Boom! Misato turned to the mushroom cloud onscreen. "Shinji-kun, what the hell are you doing?!"

"Blowing up shit," the Eviscerator pilot deadpanned.

"B-b-but a nuclear weapon-- an evil weapon-- how could you?!"

"A weapon is a tool, neither good nor evil. Reserve judgment for those using the weapon-- human beings, not mindless tools and instruments," Shinji continued.

Kensuke leaned against a wall, behind the tactician. "Did Shinji finish off the Angels?"

The brunette's fingers danced on the keyboard. "Targets-- let's call them Alpha and Bravo-- have lost approximately 30 percent of their body mass."

"The Third Children merely halted its-- their advance towards NERV Headquarters," Kozo stated. "It's only a matter of time before the Angel-- Angels resume their attack."

"That's why the M65 has an eight-round magazine," the black man added.

Kozo paled as he turned to the US Army officer. "What?!" Boom! The Command Center personnel collectively winced as a second mushroom cloud appeared.

"Is it dead yet?" Shinji asked.

Maya began, "Targets Alpha and Bravo have..."

The Angel's halves each raised a sign, one reading, "WE QUIT", the second, "I QUIT".

"Surrendered," the brunette finished as Israfel reattached its two halves; then the Angel turned and limped away from Tokyo-3.