StarDestroyer.Net BBS

I would love you to assist, and proof read. The next chapter is almost ready to go up.

Three things of note here.
1. The very opening was bland, filled with descriptions for the admiral and no descriptions of the events taking place around the ship. The description needs to be woven in to the action better because as it stands the chapter has a lot of description of one man and little description of the events taking place. This is very common in first efforts and is the bane of many amateur writers and has even done in "professional" writers. Combine the description with the action and in general add more action.

“I will remind him, with, vigour sir.”

2. Your dialog has few mistakes with the exception of this excerpt. Here the comas are misused. Also the use of vigour does not flow well from the Admiral's preceding line. Suggested changes outlined below.

“No, it is they who will underestimate us. Now, you may inform General Sorn to begin phase two. Remind him again captain.” Sujet pointedJabbed a finger in emphasis. “That I want no unnecessary casualties.”
“I will remind him with vigour, sir.”

I believe this is better in how it flows and conveys the proper emphasis. It does not need more than correcting the comas. Stylistically when the Admiral is cutting off the Commander it is more standard to use the ... rather than ending it in a period as one would for a regular sentence.

3. The last thing is not really a problem, just a light warning.

...“I see captain Brenard did not hesitate in following my orders. Though, I didn’t expect you for another hour or so.” The admiral smiled wryly. “Never mind. I suppose we will...

The use of never mind is something that people can easily overuse to give a condescending tone to a character. While this works in principal it drives me nuts to see the same phrase constantly reused for the same effect. I only warn you of this because in this use did not need that phrase at all. On one side the admiral is talking about how early he is and on the other side he continues that thought and as such it is not necessary to put that place holder in at all.

It does have some intriguing moments that will birng me back for more, so as a prologue it is quite decent.

PS: do you need a proof reader?

Head bowed Sujet found himself entranced by an unravelled scroll that had drawn his attention for almost an hour. Sitting at a desk in his dimly lit study he adjusted a small lamp for better light. Trailing a finger across several scrawled passages the admiral engrossed himself in poetry thousands of years old.

The writing was similar to an old dialect of basic which predated the Old Republic. Analysing a particular word, Sujet peered through a small magnifying glass before making a brief note on a data pad. It read Into the night goes a coward but, a hero will run for the sun. It didn’t make much sense. The difficulties in translating such an ancient language made any progress an achievement.

Although the task was tedious, almost enraging at times. It was the irony of the struggle which kept Sujet going. Commander of a battle squadron, he could lay waste to entire worlds in seconds, but translating a small, unimportant scroll, well, it was taking him years to complete.

Had he known on the day he was presented with it that he would still be working on diadetic patterns nine years later, then he may have had second thoughts before rescuing a stranded archaeological team. When they handed him the scroll as a gift of gratitude, they had told him that they discovered the text and other pieces of parchment like it in the ruins of a temple carved deep into a mountainside. From the teams notes Sujet believed that whoever wrote the scroll had titled it, Prophecy.

His full attention focused on the matter at hand Sujet was startled by a sudden activation in the overhead lighting. The lights burned brightly blurring his vision while the doors to the room sounded with a quiet hiss. Through them came two stormtroopers escorting a confused flight commander. The admiral put down his magnifying glass and rubbed one eye realising that he had been reading for far longer than he thought. The stormtroopers saluted before pushing their prisoner to an empty chair.

“Well” Sujet said as he placed two small weights on either side of the scroll. “I see captain Brenard did not hesitate in following my orders. Though, I didn’t expect you for another hour or so.” The admiral smiled wryly. “Never mind eh, I suppose we will have to make do with what time we have.” Sujet nodded for the stormtroopers to wait outside. “Flight commander Alexander Cowper.” Sujet raised an eyebrow at the surname. “Enlisted seven years ago, served previously aboard the Punitive and the Carrack Restless. Given commendation for bravery, promoted to flight commander for outstanding service. Quite the shine on your record commander, I dare say your brilliance is quite the reflection of my imperial navy.”

“Thank you sir.”

“It was not a compliment.” Sujet replied with a bass tone. “Perhaps, you didn’t detect the subtle nuance of frustration in my voice. You see commander the reason why I am frustrated is because you are so exceptionally good at your job.” Sujet pulled a large grey book from one of his desk drawers. “Do you know what this is commander?”

“Sir, that’s”

“Yes. The I.N Operations and Tactics manual, and you commander, are its living embodiment. You are quite literally the text book officer, the shining star, and it shows, blandly, upon your performance.”

“Sir, I have only ever done what was.”

“Expected?” Sujet chuckled. “Yes, most officers in the fleet only ever do what is expected, and that, commander is my problem. You and your like only ever do what is, expected. But I won’t settle for expectations commander. Not when I am about to wage a war for an empire.”

“Sir, if you may allow me to at least.”

“No I will not allow you commander. You see the privileges of being an admiral means you rarely need to care what the lower ranks think. But, perhaps we should indulge each other?” Sujet leaned forward. “Tell me commander, how well do you think flesh squadron performed prior to their vaporisation?”

Cowper delayed for a moment, put off by Sujets aggressive posture. “I feel that the squadron done remarkably well admiral. They followed protocol and their flight manoeuvres expertly. They were not to know that the freighters reactor was nearing a breach.”

Sujet raised an eyebrow and pulled up a data pad close to hand. “ The freighter had fractures along the port hull three meters wide. Venting plasma from the ion engines. Decompression across the entire superstructure. Increases in thermal output beyond safeties and the release of several escape pods. Each observable from the cockpit. Had those pilots chosen, or rather been taught to use their minds commander, they would have evacuated the area. Instead, they waited for orders. Orders which they did not receive.” Sujet allowed a heavy silence to fill the room. “We are presently in orbit of Ruuan. A farming world. It survives on agriculture, and in our battle against simple farmers, who know little more than how to handle a pitch fork you lost me six Tie-Fighters. Not even Thrawn suffered such disastrous set backs.”

“I believe admiral, that he favoured text book mandates sir.” Cowper bravely suggested.

“Yes, he did. And he died for it. You see, why we’re here commander is because Ruuan was one of the first planets the Grand Admiral liberated in the civil war. But we are here to show history, that things must be done a different way. If Grand Admiral Thrawn could not execute a Galactic conflict according to this.” Sujet swept the manual off the table. “Then what hope do we have commander? Unlearn what you have learned, and teach my pilots to fight like bastards. Do you understand me, commander?”

Cowper stood and saluted. “Yes sir!”

“I will be watching your progress with earnest interest. Do not make me regret this commander. And be rest assured, the next time I have to send Stormtroopers to your door you shan’t be receiving a little pep talk.” Sujet waved the commander out of the room.

“Sargeant Appo. Come in here.” Sujet shouted to the two stormtroopers outside. He had instructions for them . . .

I would love you to assist, and proof read. The next chapter is almost ready to go up.

Okay PM the copy and I'll get back to you asap.