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I've been thinking about writing some stories to post here.
I have a few ideas I have started.
I wanted to share an example of my writing for you all to read, as well as maybe give some advice on format, or writing style.
I have never written stuff to be posted on a forum before, so any input you can share would be most appreciated.
This short story is not part of any particular story I am writing, but it is something I was fooling around with for a time.

Here goes:

The Visitor

by Raptor Pilot

The car left a long trail behind it as it traveled down the dusty road. Wheat fields stretched out as far as the eye could see.

The passenger, dressed in a plain government issue suit, turned to the driver.

"Christ, this is the middle of nowhere. What is he doing all the way out here?"

The driver, dressed in the uniform of an army captain, replied:

"Officially, he is here for his own protection, but he is really out here for our protection."

"What do you mean by that?" The government man asked.

"Let's just say he is not entirely stable." The captain said, not taking his eyes off of the road.
"He has been off world for a long time, it's enough to drive anyone crazy."

"I can't even imagine what he has been through."

The two men drove on in silence.

At the end of the road, a small farmhouse came into view. A wraparound porch covered the front of the house. As the car pulled up, the two men could see a man sitting in a chair on the porch. The man wearing the suit grabbed his briefcase from the rear seat as they got out of the car. As they walked up to the porch, the man in the chair watched them. The government man saw the other man's eyes, and felt like he was being sized up for a coffin. Swallowing his fear, the government man began to speak.

"Good morning sir, we are from General Bondarenko's office."

The man in the chair spoke, "You want to sit down."

The government man felt as if the words had siezed his very soul with an icy grip, and he rushed to comply. The captain chose a seat and sat as well.

The man in the chair smiled, a cold predatory smile. He spoke again, "Are you comfortable? Would you like a drink?"

A pitcher of iced tea sat on a small table, slowly dripping condensation in the heat.

"Thank you, but no. We are here on official business." The government man said.

"Too bad, good drink this." The man in the chair said as he poured some iced tea for himself.

"As I said sir, we are from General Bondarenko's office, and we are here to deliver a message."

"Mmm, really good iced tea." The man in the chair said, obviously ignoring the government man. "Are you sure you don't want any?"

"I would like some." The captain spoke up.

"Ah good," The man in the chair poured some iced tea and handed it over. "people don't take time to enjoy themselves any more."

The captain sipped the iced tea, just trying to be polite, and suddenly his guts felt like they were doused in fuel and lit on fire. He started coughing as the firey liquid burned it's way down his throat.

"What the hell is this stuff?"

The man in the chair smiled. "I make that stuff myself. It's got quite a kick, don't you think?"

"Christ, I think you could use it as jet fuel!"

The man in the chair took a long drink. "I love this stuff."

The captain set his glass down carefully, fearful that the drink might explode.

"So what can I do for you?" The man in the chair asked.

"Sir, we are from General Bondarenko's office..."

"I heard you the first time," The man in the chair said, "get to the point."

The government man swallowed nervously and opened his briefcase, he withdrew a large manilla envelope.
"We are here to inform you, sir, you have been reactivated."
He placed the envelope onto the table.
"These are your orders."

The man in the chair reached over with surprising speed and grabbed the envelope. With one swipe, he had the envelope open, and the contents in his hand. He read the single page in silence. When he was finished, he put the paper down onto the table, and sat looking off into space.

The man in the chair sat silently, as a look of cold anger came onto his face. Suddenly he stood up, and looked at the two men.

"I told them I was on vacation!" The sudden roar of anger chilled the two men to the bone, the look of anger was replaced by a look of utter hatred. The man's eyes sized them up, as if death were staring out from under his black cloak.

"First I have to give up my place in the city!" The man roared. "Then I am told I have to spend my time out here!"

The man's eyes began to glow red, the goverment man and the captain stood up, and began to back away.

"It's for your own protection they said!"

The furniture on the porch began to rise into the air.

"There is no pizza delivery, and no cable t.v. out here!"

The pitcher, glasses, and windows on the porch shattered like an explosion. The government man, and captain dove for cover.

"When I finally begin to actually enjoy the peace and quiet, you assholes come along and ruin it!"

The man began to rise into the air as the floorboards on the porch broke free and began to fly around. The front of the house began to shake, and soon it exploded as if a tornado had hit it. The last thing the government man, and the captain saw was a blast that looked like a massive explosion.

The government man woke up in the middle of the wheat field. He stood up and looked around. All that remained of the farmhouse was a crater, framed by smoldering ruins. The captain lay nearby, a large piece of wood protruded from his chest. His empty eyes stared at the sky. There was no sign of the man they had come here to see.

The G-man shook his head. The captain had been assigned as a replacement for his last assistant, and had proven to be efficient at his work. A new replacement would have to be found. Cursing his rotten luck, the G-man walked back to the car, which seemed to be in one piece. As he passed by a tree near the car he saw the piece of paper, stuck to the tree.

- Agent Harrisson Eyes Only -

Renegade Agent Paul Hartmann has been located.

Report to HQ for orders.

"Hmm, I wonder what that is all about?" The G-man thought to himself.

He walked back to the car, and went around to the driver side. Pulling a spare set of keys from his pocket, he unlocked the door. As he did so, a splash of red stuff coated the side of the car. The G-man looked down in disbelief at the hole in the center of his chest. He had just enough time to look surprised before he fell over into the dirt.

800 Yards away, the Syndicate sniper took one last look through his scope, confirming his kill. He packed up his rifle with the speed of a professional, and took out his cellphone. He dialed the number from memory. It rang twice and was answered.

"Yes?"

"The job is done."

"Return to base."

The sniper disconnected, and turned around, vanishing into the woods.

Silence fell over the area, broken only when some crows landed, finding themselves an easy meal.

The End

A little choppy with the paragraphs, but interesting enough for me to ask for more.

Well, I'm fighting off a bit of the flu, so I figured I'd keep myself busy.
Once again, comments, criticisms, and suggestions are welcome.

Here is part 2.

Mission Briefing

by Raptor Pilot

The abandoned barn stood in the middle of an empty field. Worn down and dilapidated, the barn had stood silently for twenty years.

Inside the barn, in the middle of the floor, an open hatch led to an underground bunker. Down a dimly lit corridor, through a heavy set of doors, a room was laid out.

A large table dominated the middle of the room, while a map of the world occupied an entire wall. Locations, known only to the men inside that room, were marked out across the globe.

A shadow organization, it's influence spreading across the globe. Reaching into every government, and private enterprise, these men pulled invisible strings, enacting their will, while remaining unnoticed by the world at large.

For fifteen years, the three men in this room carried out their plans, laying the groundwork for a future no one could imagine...

Presently, there was a knock at the door. Without waiting for an answer, Agent Harrisson strode into the room. A young man in his mid twenties, Agent Harrisson had the kind of build and face that made him totally forgettable. The only distinguishing mark, was grey hair growing in on the sides of his head. A testament to experience, the grey hair spoke of wisdom won at a terrible cost.

He stood for a moment, and looked at the three men who had ended his vacation early. All three were in their mid fifties, having been around long enough to amass some personal power, and learn to use it to maximum advantage.

Playing politics wisely, these men had come out of the last global conflict with tremendous power and influence. When events had shifted quietly into space, these men had been in position to profit from unseen events.

*You wouldn't know that from looks alone* Harrisson thought to himself.

While the three men looked completely unremarkable, there was a hardness about them. They ruled their shadow group with ruthless efficiency, and were not afraid to have anyone killed to protect their secrets.

"Greetings Agent Harrisson, please be seated." The man at the head of the table said.

Harrisson had worked for these men for eleven years now, and he had never learned their names.

"Thank you for returning so quickly, this is a time sensitive matter."

The man at the head of the table picked up a document and passed it over.

"This is your mission briefing, please look it over so we might answer any questions you have before you depart."

Harrisson looked at the document. Agent Hartmann has been located by a surveilance asset twenty six hours ago. This was the best information on his location that had been recieved in the last five years.

The plan called for Harrisson to make an insertion by HALO jump into a sector to the east of the local capitol city. The jump would be covered by a local military exercise that was scheduled to begin at the same time.

Harrisson would then proceed on foot, or in aquired transportation, into the city to conduct a search. There was no real local government in place in that area, allowing Harrisson some leeway as to how he conducted his search.

The information recieved, had indicated Agent Hartmann had formed some kind of partnership with local militias, so armed resistance would be possible. The briefing document ended by describing the provisions in place for extraction, and support available for contingency plans.

Harrisson finished with the document, and sat for a moment, going over the plan in his head.

Agents were given tremendous leeway in how they carried out an operation. The bosses cared more for success than expenditures.

After thinking for a few minutes, he placed the document into a trash can and lit it with a lighter.

"I have no questions." Harrisson said. "I'm just going to wing it."

The End

Speech tags are not sentences.

Incorrect:
"Hello, Jane." Said Steve.
"Would you like to go to the store?" She asked.
"Yes!" He said.
She asked. "When?"
He said. "Right away."

Correct:
"Hello, Jane," said Steve.
"Would you like to go to the store?" she asked.
"Yes!" he said.
She asked, "When?"
He said, "Right away."

Note that periods go to commas, while other punctuation marks are unchanged.

Thoughts should be denoted in one of three ways:
1- inside quotation marks, exactly the same as speech:
"I really want to get some bananas," thought Steve.

2- italicized without quotation marks:
I really want to get some bananas, thought Steve.

3- in plain text:
I really want to get some bananas, thought Steve.

I believe that italics are the most commonly used convention.

The asterisk (*) symbol has no place in narrative prose.


EDIT: Check your spelling, please. All major word processors include a spellcheck feature which will catch most of the spelling errors in this piece. Firefox and possibly other browsers have a built-in spellcheck feature, as well.

Feil-

Thanks for pointing that stuff out. I'll keep it in mind.

As far as spelling goes, I don't have any spell checking devices handy. I read through each section three times to catch any spelling errors. Normally I spell very well, so if I missed something, my apologies.

Thanks for reading my story, and for the input. I'll have more to post soon when I get some more free time.

You are welcome.

Raptor_Pilot wrote:As far as spelling goes, I don't have any spell checking devices handy. I read through each section three times to catch any spelling errors. Normally I spell very well, so if I missed something, my apologies.

One of these may be of service.

Hello again.

I am currently working on Chapter 3 of my story here, and I have a request.

I need a volunteer to lend their name to the story, the part is one of a local warlord who will assist Agent Harrisson in his mission. A short character bio may also be included.

It is not required, but I figure it might add some flavor to the story. Anyone interested please reply by PM. Thanks, and Happy New Year!

- Raptor Pilot