Don’t Be a Mook: Another GitMS PSA
Posted: 2009-09-18 10:34pm
Don’t Be a Mook: A PSA from the Panzer Pyro
[Location: a run-down warehouse district.
Scene: Evening. A few STREET THUGS stand or slouch against a wall in a rough semi-circle around a RECRUITER, a businessman-type who is more cleanly dressed than the others, but sleazier with greased-back hair and that kind of tacky jacket. He speaks to the group.]
Recruiter: Yeah, my boss pays in cash and he’ll provide your guns too. So, you in or not?
[Enter PANZER PYRO.]
Panzer Pyro: Stop the job fair, headhunter!
Recruiter: It’s the Panzer Pyro! RUN! [RECRUITER tries to make his escape, but PANZER PYRO clotheslines him with one arm as she turns to the group.]
Panzer Pyro: Now the rest of you freeze or you’ll get burned!
Thug #1: Ohgoddon’thurtme!
Thug #2: (at the same time) That was terrible.
Panzer Pyro [to #2]: You hush; I used up all my snark with the headhunter bit. [Turns back to the group] I think I know this scene. Motley crowd of ruffians, maybe claiming to be down on your luck, looking for some quick and easy cash, and then Evil HR Guy on the ground there just happened by because his boss, who’s some sort of criminal mastermind type is hiring?
Thug #1: Uh, umm…yeah?
Thug #3: Hundred bucks a day to stand around an’ look tough! Good deal, huh?
Panzer Pyro: $36,500 doesn’t sound so bad for completely unskilled labor, assuming you never take a single day off and you miraculously manage to last an entire year.
Thug #1: Huh, that’s a lot!
Panzer Pyro [with emphasis]: If you miraculously manage to last an entire year. [silence] The average henchman lasts less than one hundred twenty days. Attaway to let me lead into that.
Thug #2: I didn’t last that long flipping burgers.
Panzer Pyro: [sighs] Let me make this simpler to understand.
[ Cut to: Secret Criminal Lair.
It’s dark and shadowy and slightly run-down looking. Henchmen stand around armed to the teeth, and up on a dais in the center sits a Generic Crime Lord.]
Thug #2 [voiceover]: Wha…
[The wall EXPLODES in a BAJILLION fragments of cheap building materials and a Generic Superhero wearing primary colored tights barges in. The Henchmen fire ineffectually as he strikes a pose, then walks over and backhands one of them. The scene freezes as the Henchman is lifted off the ground painfully.]
Thugs [voiceover]: UGH!
Panzer Pyro [voiceover]: Looks painful, don’t it? [gleefully] Let’s watch some more!
[Unfreeze scene. Henchman goes flying, and then the Superhero starts punching more people. The PANZER PYRO counts them.]
Panzer Pyro [voiceover]: That’s three, four, six, seven, ooh, three at once! Always remember to keep a distance from your pals during these things. And there’s another, eh, lost count. You get the idea.
[Cuts back to PANZER PYRO and THUGS.]
Panzer Pyro: Didn’t you wonder why Mr. Crooked Personnel Specialist here was so eager to get warm bodies?
Thug #1: But I thought you supers weren’t into killin’!
[Scene: outside the lair. The Crime Lord is being handcuffed and walked into a prisoner transport along with three Henchmen.]
Panzer Pyro: See, he’s all nice and alive. That’s the important part! Looks like three of the meatshields survived too, but nobody cares about them.
[Scene: inside the lair again. It’s completely wrecked and crime scene investigators in body suits are picking through the rubble.]
Suited Guy #1: Hey, we got a spatula job here!
Suited Guy #2: Someone find the trainee! Betcha he hurls.
Suited Guy #1: Come on, they always do the first time.
[Cut back.]
Thug #3: But…b-but…
Panzer Pyro: The important thing is getting the boss guy alive. The cannon fodder, well, there’s killing, and then there’s maiming. It doesn’t count if they died because their backs were broken from hitting the wall and then they tried to run off.
Thug #1: But…you sorts…I thought you’re a bunch a goody-goodies.
Panzer Pyro: I set people on fire. Do you think I worry about causing grievous bodily harm? Have you already forgotten about that recruiter I knocked unconscious?
[Camera pans down quickly to show RECRUITER still unconscious on the ground.]
Thug #3: Oh…yeah.
Panzer Pyro: But no doubt you could survive even metahuman-inflicted injuries with proper medical treatment paid for by your health covera…oh wait, you won’t have any. You think some mob boss is going to pay your hospital costs and eyeglasses bills? You could get cut in half from unsafe working practices – it’s not like they’ll be following federal labor laws if they’re breaking all the rest. And you totally missed the part when I mentioned before about having no days off. They could work you eighteen hour days every day without break and then use you to slow down one of us supers for a half second.
Thug #2: But do they really do that?
Panzer Pyro: Sure, why not? What’re you gonna do, unionize?
Thug #2: …Good point.
Panzer Pyro: But even assuming you don’t end up dead after half a year and find yourself safely…in…pri…[She smothers a laugh.] that boss will still make you work for him so he can plan his escape, or something. You’ll still be his minion, but this time you won’t get paid!
Thugs [in unison]: GASP!
Panzer Pyro [turning towards the camera]: So there you have it! The life of a gangster is hazardous to your-
Thug #2: So what are we supposed to do?
[PANZER PYRO freezes, then turns back to the group.]
Panzer Pyro: Whattaya mean?
Thug #2: We already got criminal records, no education, no money, and nobody honest’s gonna hire us. So why not just join a gang? At least we get paid a while.
Panzer Pyro: Oh, right! That’s what I forgot! Ever considered a career as a longshoreman?
Thug #3: What’s that?
Panzer Pyro: Guys who unload ships at ports.
Thug #1: Doesn’t sound like fun. Lotta heavy lifting.
Panzer Pyro: Yeah, highly paid heavy lifting. And it’s a unionized job, so it comes with all the perks. Paid sick leave, vacation time, dental…and I know you could use that.
[Camera pans to THUG #4, who’s been standing there silently the entire time, and centers on his mouth of rotten teeth. He closes it self-consciously.]
Panzer Pyro: And it just so happens that they’re hiring right now in Savannah. Just tell ‘em the Panzer Pyro sent ya, and you can skip the interview!
Thug #2: Okay, so…how’re we gonna get there?
Panzer Pyro: As it just so happens, I have a number of Greyhound bus vouchers on me. Free trip to Savannah! Got enough for everybody and then some.
Thug #2: So what about a place to stay while we wait for our first paycheck?
Panzer Pyro: Don’t push your luck, dude.
[ Heroic music rises in volume as the THUGS wander off. The PANZER PYRO nearly steps on the still-unconscious RECRUITER when the Atlanta City Seal covers the screen with the message: “This public service announcement was brought to you by the Savannah District Chapter of the International Longshoremen’s Union and Greyhound Corp., and was definitely not paid advertising.”]
THE END!
[Location: a run-down warehouse district.
Scene: Evening. A few STREET THUGS stand or slouch against a wall in a rough semi-circle around a RECRUITER, a businessman-type who is more cleanly dressed than the others, but sleazier with greased-back hair and that kind of tacky jacket. He speaks to the group.]
Recruiter: Yeah, my boss pays in cash and he’ll provide your guns too. So, you in or not?
[Enter PANZER PYRO.]
Panzer Pyro: Stop the job fair, headhunter!
Recruiter: It’s the Panzer Pyro! RUN! [RECRUITER tries to make his escape, but PANZER PYRO clotheslines him with one arm as she turns to the group.]
Panzer Pyro: Now the rest of you freeze or you’ll get burned!
Thug #1: Ohgoddon’thurtme!
Thug #2: (at the same time) That was terrible.
Panzer Pyro [to #2]: You hush; I used up all my snark with the headhunter bit. [Turns back to the group] I think I know this scene. Motley crowd of ruffians, maybe claiming to be down on your luck, looking for some quick and easy cash, and then Evil HR Guy on the ground there just happened by because his boss, who’s some sort of criminal mastermind type is hiring?
Thug #1: Uh, umm…yeah?
Thug #3: Hundred bucks a day to stand around an’ look tough! Good deal, huh?
Panzer Pyro: $36,500 doesn’t sound so bad for completely unskilled labor, assuming you never take a single day off and you miraculously manage to last an entire year.
Thug #1: Huh, that’s a lot!
Panzer Pyro [with emphasis]: If you miraculously manage to last an entire year. [silence] The average henchman lasts less than one hundred twenty days. Attaway to let me lead into that.
Thug #2: I didn’t last that long flipping burgers.
Panzer Pyro: [sighs] Let me make this simpler to understand.
[ Cut to: Secret Criminal Lair.
It’s dark and shadowy and slightly run-down looking. Henchmen stand around armed to the teeth, and up on a dais in the center sits a Generic Crime Lord.]
Thug #2 [voiceover]: Wha…
[The wall EXPLODES in a BAJILLION fragments of cheap building materials and a Generic Superhero wearing primary colored tights barges in. The Henchmen fire ineffectually as he strikes a pose, then walks over and backhands one of them. The scene freezes as the Henchman is lifted off the ground painfully.]
Thugs [voiceover]: UGH!
Panzer Pyro [voiceover]: Looks painful, don’t it? [gleefully] Let’s watch some more!
[Unfreeze scene. Henchman goes flying, and then the Superhero starts punching more people. The PANZER PYRO counts them.]
Panzer Pyro [voiceover]: That’s three, four, six, seven, ooh, three at once! Always remember to keep a distance from your pals during these things. And there’s another, eh, lost count. You get the idea.
[Cuts back to PANZER PYRO and THUGS.]
Panzer Pyro: Didn’t you wonder why Mr. Crooked Personnel Specialist here was so eager to get warm bodies?
Thug #1: But I thought you supers weren’t into killin’!
[Scene: outside the lair. The Crime Lord is being handcuffed and walked into a prisoner transport along with three Henchmen.]
Panzer Pyro: See, he’s all nice and alive. That’s the important part! Looks like three of the meatshields survived too, but nobody cares about them.
[Scene: inside the lair again. It’s completely wrecked and crime scene investigators in body suits are picking through the rubble.]
Suited Guy #1: Hey, we got a spatula job here!
Suited Guy #2: Someone find the trainee! Betcha he hurls.
Suited Guy #1: Come on, they always do the first time.
[Cut back.]
Thug #3: But…b-but…
Panzer Pyro: The important thing is getting the boss guy alive. The cannon fodder, well, there’s killing, and then there’s maiming. It doesn’t count if they died because their backs were broken from hitting the wall and then they tried to run off.
Thug #1: But…you sorts…I thought you’re a bunch a goody-goodies.
Panzer Pyro: I set people on fire. Do you think I worry about causing grievous bodily harm? Have you already forgotten about that recruiter I knocked unconscious?
[Camera pans down quickly to show RECRUITER still unconscious on the ground.]
Thug #3: Oh…yeah.
Panzer Pyro: But no doubt you could survive even metahuman-inflicted injuries with proper medical treatment paid for by your health covera…oh wait, you won’t have any. You think some mob boss is going to pay your hospital costs and eyeglasses bills? You could get cut in half from unsafe working practices – it’s not like they’ll be following federal labor laws if they’re breaking all the rest. And you totally missed the part when I mentioned before about having no days off. They could work you eighteen hour days every day without break and then use you to slow down one of us supers for a half second.
Thug #2: But do they really do that?
Panzer Pyro: Sure, why not? What’re you gonna do, unionize?
Thug #2: …Good point.
Panzer Pyro: But even assuming you don’t end up dead after half a year and find yourself safely…in…pri…[She smothers a laugh.] that boss will still make you work for him so he can plan his escape, or something. You’ll still be his minion, but this time you won’t get paid!
Thugs [in unison]: GASP!
Panzer Pyro [turning towards the camera]: So there you have it! The life of a gangster is hazardous to your-
Thug #2: So what are we supposed to do?
[PANZER PYRO freezes, then turns back to the group.]
Panzer Pyro: Whattaya mean?
Thug #2: We already got criminal records, no education, no money, and nobody honest’s gonna hire us. So why not just join a gang? At least we get paid a while.
Panzer Pyro: Oh, right! That’s what I forgot! Ever considered a career as a longshoreman?
Thug #3: What’s that?
Panzer Pyro: Guys who unload ships at ports.
Thug #1: Doesn’t sound like fun. Lotta heavy lifting.
Panzer Pyro: Yeah, highly paid heavy lifting. And it’s a unionized job, so it comes with all the perks. Paid sick leave, vacation time, dental…and I know you could use that.
[Camera pans to THUG #4, who’s been standing there silently the entire time, and centers on his mouth of rotten teeth. He closes it self-consciously.]
Panzer Pyro: And it just so happens that they’re hiring right now in Savannah. Just tell ‘em the Panzer Pyro sent ya, and you can skip the interview!
Thug #2: Okay, so…how’re we gonna get there?
Panzer Pyro: As it just so happens, I have a number of Greyhound bus vouchers on me. Free trip to Savannah! Got enough for everybody and then some.
Thug #2: So what about a place to stay while we wait for our first paycheck?
Panzer Pyro: Don’t push your luck, dude.
[ Heroic music rises in volume as the THUGS wander off. The PANZER PYRO nearly steps on the still-unconscious RECRUITER when the Atlanta City Seal covers the screen with the message: “This public service announcement was brought to you by the Savannah District Chapter of the International Longshoremen’s Union and Greyhound Corp., and was definitely not paid advertising.”]
THE END!
