Preparing for Disaster - One More GitMS PSA
Posted: 2009-10-04 04:48pm
Preparing for Disaster – Another Panzer Pyro PSA
[SCENE: A city, or at least, it was a city. Now it’s mostly ruins and fire and flaming rubble, with the occasional burned-out flipped over car and so forth for flavor. A werewolf bounds into the scene, stops, and howls, and then the PANZER PYRO walks into view and punches it out.]
Panzer Pyro: Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, it’s kinda like, like trying to close the barn door after the horse already got out. And then it exploded and set the barn on fire.
[There is some rumbling and shaking and rubble and garbage scatter, but the tremors stop…and then giant blue-green tentacles streaked with burnt-orange burst out from a sewer in a fountain of sewage-brown water and flail about!]
Panzer Pyro: NO HENTAI! [She zaps it with her stun gun a couple times, which causes the tentacles to make annoyed gurgling sounds before withdrawing.] Geez, couldn’t this have come a little more spaced out? [She turns back towards the camera.] So what we have here is probably a familiar scene to our viewers. Hardly a week goes by with something happening – megalomaniac dude trying to take over the world by blowing up a chunk of it, or mole men, or…quantum…
[A high-pitched shriek is heard off to the side – the camera pans to the side where a BIMBO in stilettos and a miniskirt prone on the ground in a gesture of pathetic defenselessness while a mummy very slowly trundles toward her. The BIMBO shrieks again. PANZER PYRO trundles into the screen slightly more quickly.]
Panzer Pyro: Unless my years of gaming have lied to me, this’ll do the trick! [She blasts the mummy with her flamethrower. It quickly ignites and disintegrates into ash.]
Bimbo [sultry, and in a pose that shows off her cleavage]: Oh, thank you, you strong, brave, manly-
Panzer Pyro: Whoa, whoa, you did get the memo that I’m a chick, right?
Bimbo: Huh? Oh. [She looks disappointed and stops the act.]
Panzer Pyro: What are you still doing in the city, anyway? It’d better not be spandex chasing. No one likes a spandex chaser.
Bimbo: Umm…
Panzer Pyro: Well, go on. Get up! [BIMBO stands up.] Now get out of here! Leave! Go! Hurry up like all the smarter people! Shoo! Vamoose! Git! [BIMBO scurries away. PANZER PYRO waves dismissively at the camera.] Don’t worry about her. She’ll probably be fine until she runs into somebody else.
[PANZER PYRO turns back towards camera]
Panzer Pyro: Alright, umm…disasters are no time to be caught off guard! Have an escape route ready in case of regular occurrences like- [something in the background explodes]- fires or more exotic- [a freaking flying saucer appears and starts shooting at stuff with colorful laser blasts] – gimme a sec here. [She activates her shoulder laser cannons and blasts the flying saucer, and it explodes in a giant flashy fireball, scattering shrapnel and debris about. PANZER PRYO flies back from the recoil out of the range of falling alien-bits into an abandoned corner grocery storefront. The camera chases her over and gingerly walks in past the broken glass, most of which wasn’t actually her fault.]
Panzer Pyro (standing up): Wow, this place got…and that brings us to our next point! A helpful tip for situations from interdimensional invasions to mundane natural disasters: don’t just wait until disaster strikes to loot yourself some edibles! Make sure to keep a three day supply of food and water available at all times, plus a first aid kit and other emergency supplies…come to think of it, it’d probably be better to have your emergency kit in a backpack or something else nice and portable for evacuations. You could even fit- [She’s interrupted by a large gargling glorping sound outside.] Oh what the [BLEEP] is that?
[A giant blob-monster thing with eyes flowing about in random places is oozing its way up the street.]
Panzer Pyro: What? What? That does it! Plasma cannons to your eyes! [PANZER PYRO flies up and starts blasting away at its eyes as pseudopods and pseudolimbs and pseudo-everything shoot out and flail about and try to smack her. This would probably look awesome except it’s all in shaky-cam as the cameraman runs out of the grocery store and tries to get a good view while not getting crushed by blob-monster parts. After just enough time to make nearly anyone dizzy passes, the blob-monster starts retreating and dissolving through the burned-out parts where its eyes used to be. PANZER PYRO lands in front of the camera.]
Panzer Pyro (annoyed): And you know what else is useful? A well-stocked arsenal, that’s what! Not just like a stinkin’ pistol or something to make yourself think you’re protected at night in your [BLEEP]ing condo, I mean grenades, laser rifles, flamethrowers, robot dogs, gas traps, whatever! Go crazy! Some [BLEEP]er with a stupid gimmick tries to mug you? Shoot him in his origami-themed face with your electric dart gun! Why the [BLEEP] do you stupid people all go unarmed when this crazy [BLEEP] is always happening? Just shoot them! You don’t need a stupid costume to get away with vigilantism in this world, though it helps.
Sound from offscreen: Peep! Grrr! Chirp, chirp! [PANZER PYRO turns quickly and points with her flamethrower nozzle at the sound. The camera spins and shows a small feathered raptor-looking dinosaur. It is very fluffy, doesn’t quite come to the Panzer Pyro’s waist, has claws that look razor sharp, and is cowering.]
Panzer Pyro: A dinosaur? Really? Awww, you’re kinda cute. If you promise not to try to disembowel me or something, I’ll let you live.
Dinosaur: Peep, peep! [It creeps up to the PANZER PYRO and nuzzles her armored leg, then looks up with the dinosaur-equivalent of big puppy eyes.]
Panzer Pyro [Using the ‘talking to adorable thing’ tone, which sounds weird coming out of a synthesized robot voice]: Awww, you’re just a little National Geographic dino, aren’t you? Yes you are! Little fluffy feathery National Geographic dino-bird-thing! I’m gonna name you…umm…how about Carmen Sandiego? You like that, Carmen? Yes you do! You do! …oh, right. [She turns back to the camera.]
Panzer Pyro [scratching Carmen’s head like a dog]: Also, try to stay together. You might think you’re presenting a bigger target to be attacked, but there’s also strength in numbers, and there are far more little mundane hazards where it’s good to have a buddy than exotic hazards where it’d be dangerous.
Carmen [sounding like it’s purring, almost]: Grrrrr!
Panzer Pyro: Because you can’t just wait for us super-types to rescue you. We can’t be everywhere at once, and time spent rescuing your dumb [BLEEP] is time we could’ve spent beating up some bigger threat that’ll put you and everybody else in even bigger danger! [Yet more shaking with pieces of building falling down. She turns around.] This had better not be iro- oh for [BLEEP] sake! That’s just absurd!
[The camera pans up to show a giant colorful plastic-looking mecha wielding a sword nearly as large as it is. Camera pans back down to PANZER PYRO.]
Panzer Pyro: You know what? [BLEEP] this. This is way above my pay grade. I’m outta here! [She runs off screen.] Come, Carmen! [Carmen follows just as a giant mecha foot stomps into view. Then the camera falls to the ground and the screen goes static and then dark.]
[The heroic music kicks in jarringly and the screen is covered with the Atlanta city seal with the message, “This public service announcement was brought to you by the Atlanta City Council and” in a different font which makes it look like it was edited at the very last moment “ANONYMOUS SPONSORS.”]
[SCENE: A city, or at least, it was a city. Now it’s mostly ruins and fire and flaming rubble, with the occasional burned-out flipped over car and so forth for flavor. A werewolf bounds into the scene, stops, and howls, and then the PANZER PYRO walks into view and punches it out.]
Panzer Pyro: Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, it’s kinda like, like trying to close the barn door after the horse already got out. And then it exploded and set the barn on fire.
[There is some rumbling and shaking and rubble and garbage scatter, but the tremors stop…and then giant blue-green tentacles streaked with burnt-orange burst out from a sewer in a fountain of sewage-brown water and flail about!]
Panzer Pyro: NO HENTAI! [She zaps it with her stun gun a couple times, which causes the tentacles to make annoyed gurgling sounds before withdrawing.] Geez, couldn’t this have come a little more spaced out? [She turns back towards the camera.] So what we have here is probably a familiar scene to our viewers. Hardly a week goes by with something happening – megalomaniac dude trying to take over the world by blowing up a chunk of it, or mole men, or…quantum…
[A high-pitched shriek is heard off to the side – the camera pans to the side where a BIMBO in stilettos and a miniskirt prone on the ground in a gesture of pathetic defenselessness while a mummy very slowly trundles toward her. The BIMBO shrieks again. PANZER PYRO trundles into the screen slightly more quickly.]
Panzer Pyro: Unless my years of gaming have lied to me, this’ll do the trick! [She blasts the mummy with her flamethrower. It quickly ignites and disintegrates into ash.]
Bimbo [sultry, and in a pose that shows off her cleavage]: Oh, thank you, you strong, brave, manly-
Panzer Pyro: Whoa, whoa, you did get the memo that I’m a chick, right?
Bimbo: Huh? Oh. [She looks disappointed and stops the act.]
Panzer Pyro: What are you still doing in the city, anyway? It’d better not be spandex chasing. No one likes a spandex chaser.
Bimbo: Umm…
Panzer Pyro: Well, go on. Get up! [BIMBO stands up.] Now get out of here! Leave! Go! Hurry up like all the smarter people! Shoo! Vamoose! Git! [BIMBO scurries away. PANZER PYRO waves dismissively at the camera.] Don’t worry about her. She’ll probably be fine until she runs into somebody else.
[PANZER PYRO turns back towards camera]
Panzer Pyro: Alright, umm…disasters are no time to be caught off guard! Have an escape route ready in case of regular occurrences like- [something in the background explodes]- fires or more exotic- [a freaking flying saucer appears and starts shooting at stuff with colorful laser blasts] – gimme a sec here. [She activates her shoulder laser cannons and blasts the flying saucer, and it explodes in a giant flashy fireball, scattering shrapnel and debris about. PANZER PRYO flies back from the recoil out of the range of falling alien-bits into an abandoned corner grocery storefront. The camera chases her over and gingerly walks in past the broken glass, most of which wasn’t actually her fault.]
Panzer Pyro (standing up): Wow, this place got…and that brings us to our next point! A helpful tip for situations from interdimensional invasions to mundane natural disasters: don’t just wait until disaster strikes to loot yourself some edibles! Make sure to keep a three day supply of food and water available at all times, plus a first aid kit and other emergency supplies…come to think of it, it’d probably be better to have your emergency kit in a backpack or something else nice and portable for evacuations. You could even fit- [She’s interrupted by a large gargling glorping sound outside.] Oh what the [BLEEP] is that?
[A giant blob-monster thing with eyes flowing about in random places is oozing its way up the street.]
Panzer Pyro: What? What? That does it! Plasma cannons to your eyes! [PANZER PYRO flies up and starts blasting away at its eyes as pseudopods and pseudolimbs and pseudo-everything shoot out and flail about and try to smack her. This would probably look awesome except it’s all in shaky-cam as the cameraman runs out of the grocery store and tries to get a good view while not getting crushed by blob-monster parts. After just enough time to make nearly anyone dizzy passes, the blob-monster starts retreating and dissolving through the burned-out parts where its eyes used to be. PANZER PYRO lands in front of the camera.]
Panzer Pyro (annoyed): And you know what else is useful? A well-stocked arsenal, that’s what! Not just like a stinkin’ pistol or something to make yourself think you’re protected at night in your [BLEEP]ing condo, I mean grenades, laser rifles, flamethrowers, robot dogs, gas traps, whatever! Go crazy! Some [BLEEP]er with a stupid gimmick tries to mug you? Shoot him in his origami-themed face with your electric dart gun! Why the [BLEEP] do you stupid people all go unarmed when this crazy [BLEEP] is always happening? Just shoot them! You don’t need a stupid costume to get away with vigilantism in this world, though it helps.
Sound from offscreen: Peep! Grrr! Chirp, chirp! [PANZER PYRO turns quickly and points with her flamethrower nozzle at the sound. The camera spins and shows a small feathered raptor-looking dinosaur. It is very fluffy, doesn’t quite come to the Panzer Pyro’s waist, has claws that look razor sharp, and is cowering.]
Panzer Pyro: A dinosaur? Really? Awww, you’re kinda cute. If you promise not to try to disembowel me or something, I’ll let you live.
Dinosaur: Peep, peep! [It creeps up to the PANZER PYRO and nuzzles her armored leg, then looks up with the dinosaur-equivalent of big puppy eyes.]
Panzer Pyro [Using the ‘talking to adorable thing’ tone, which sounds weird coming out of a synthesized robot voice]: Awww, you’re just a little National Geographic dino, aren’t you? Yes you are! Little fluffy feathery National Geographic dino-bird-thing! I’m gonna name you…umm…how about Carmen Sandiego? You like that, Carmen? Yes you do! You do! …oh, right. [She turns back to the camera.]
Panzer Pyro [scratching Carmen’s head like a dog]: Also, try to stay together. You might think you’re presenting a bigger target to be attacked, but there’s also strength in numbers, and there are far more little mundane hazards where it’s good to have a buddy than exotic hazards where it’d be dangerous.
Carmen [sounding like it’s purring, almost]: Grrrrr!
Panzer Pyro: Because you can’t just wait for us super-types to rescue you. We can’t be everywhere at once, and time spent rescuing your dumb [BLEEP] is time we could’ve spent beating up some bigger threat that’ll put you and everybody else in even bigger danger! [Yet more shaking with pieces of building falling down. She turns around.] This had better not be iro- oh for [BLEEP] sake! That’s just absurd!
[The camera pans up to show a giant colorful plastic-looking mecha wielding a sword nearly as large as it is. Camera pans back down to PANZER PYRO.]
Panzer Pyro: You know what? [BLEEP] this. This is way above my pay grade. I’m outta here! [She runs off screen.] Come, Carmen! [Carmen follows just as a giant mecha foot stomps into view. Then the camera falls to the ground and the screen goes static and then dark.]
[The heroic music kicks in jarringly and the screen is covered with the Atlanta city seal with the message, “This public service announcement was brought to you by the Atlanta City Council and” in a different font which makes it look like it was edited at the very last moment “ANONYMOUS SPONSORS.”]