StarDestroyer.Net BBS

The Ah.com ship – rusty grey, long and bulky, with a curved bow and several obvious weapons turrets – lazily orbits an apparently ordinary-looking Earth below.

There are signs of construction and what look like new additions to the huge, circular room, most notably the SHEEP THREAD, a VW camper van sized sheep statue with a DNA-like spiral coming out of the top, and at the back is the smaller CORRUPT A WISH THREAD, which consists of a wishing well with a similar spiral emanating from it. The operator of the CORRUPT A WISH THREAD is the WISH GENIE, a Buddha looking hologram who grins evilly and causes everyone to shift nervously as they walk by.
To one side, we see a tired-looking PSYCHOMELTDOWN (Native American, holding a wrench) and G.BONE (Hawaiian, holding a screwdriver) pat their hands together in satisfaction.
Staring at a huge map are DOCTOR WHAT (swarthy, dark hair and goatee, Canadian accent) and IRONYUPPIE (tall, blonde woman with a perpetually angry expression).

You’re certain?

(computer voice from above)
As certain as I am of the
third upper declension in
Neo-Syrio-Armeniac.

Okay. Call them in!

(Into intercom)
Get your pasty little asses up here before I’m tempted to test
my Implements of Destruction!

Doors whoosh open and several Ah.com crew members appear at a dead run: KIT (short and fair-haired), ABDUL HADI PASHA (swarthy), MICHAEL (mocking expression), DIAMOND (blond, glasses), THANDE (dark-haired, white lab coat), HENDRYK (bald, red robes), DAVE HOWERY (huge bushy beard, overalls), GREY WOLF (bald, faraway eyes) and OTHNIEL (short, dark-haired, halo over head).

(panting heavily)
What’s up?

We’ve arrived at the new timeline.

So what’s it like?
As though I care…

What’s the status of Canada?

Nonexistent.

(punches the air)
Yay!

As is that of the United States.

(pauses mid-victory dance)
Boo!

Britain?

Nope.

Australia?

Gone.

Um, how about unicorns?

No.

(angrily)
Fuck it!

So why are we at this
Ian-forsaken timeline, anyway?

Well, there is a New Ottoman Empire…
There’s a sudden crash and ceiling tiles begin to rain down around them. Cut to KIT and OTHNIEL, who look between each other to see ABDUL HADI PASHA’s shoes and nothing else. Slowly their gaze is drawn upwards and they see that his body from the neck down is protruding from the cracked ceiling. At first it seems his body is convulsing, but eventually it is obvious that he is doing a victory dance.

(frightened)
Is he dying?

If that’s how he dances,
I really hope so.
OTHNIEL nods, watching ABDUL’s convulsing body. He looks away, shuddering. Cut to DOCTOR WHAT.

(firmly)
But that’s not the reason.
Brief them, Leo.

The Point Of Divergence is that the Cuban Missile Crisis went hot.
The First World was destroyed, as was China.

(Dropping to knees.)
Nooon…je suis malade…
Il pleut dans mon coeur…
(he bursts into tears, streaking the
intricate calligraphy on his robes)

(ignoring HENDRYK)
Now it’s a century later and the
big powers are India, Brazil and South Africa.

Hold up. It’s 2062?

That’s right.

MICHAEL
(holds out his wrist)
Then why is my watch going backwards?

KIT
Because you bought it
in the Dies the Fire timeline.

DOCTOR WHAT
Anyway! The reason why we’ve come here
is that the computers have detected strange
readings in the region of Utah.

DIAMOND
So what’s new?

OTHNIEL
Cut it out! If it’s Utah,
I should lead the landing party.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, I’m doing that,
but come along as a guide.

THANDE
What level of tech do they have now?

LEO CAESIUS
The nuclear meltdown cost them some years,
but they’re back up to OTL 2000 levels.

IRONYUPPIE
But I fixed it so their satellites can’t see us.

DIAMOND
How?

IRONYUPPIE
I put pictures of you guys
all over the external hull.
Their scanners just slide off them.
Pause as each male AH.commer looks at the others, starts to get outraged, then shrugs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. But remember, Utah in this timeline
is still half desolate. It’s populated by
superstitious primitive tribes with little
technology, bad hygine, little education…

DIAMOND
Again, what’s new-

OTHNIEL
Don’t even think about it!

LEO CAESIUS
The only major powers in the region are
Mexico and Brazil. We’ll need to avoid their forces.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good. Archbishop Hendryk, you’re in
charge in my absence-

HENDRYK gets marginally less teary eyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
And under no circumstances interfere
with the work of Thande and Torqumada –
they’re working on an important project
for me. Now-
A door swooshes open and LANDSHARK (dark-haired, pale, leather coat) saunters in.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sharky, what took you so long?
The briefing’s nearly over!

LANDSHARK
Well, I was kinda hoping IronYuppie
would get out her Implements of Destruction…

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“AFTER CUBA”

Written by : THANDE

The shuttle is being piloted by PSYCHOMELTDOWN and STRAHA (fat, Mediterranean skin tone). In the back are DOCTOR WHAT, OTHNIEL, IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, DIAMOND and KIT.

STRAHA
Watch it, man.
Fighters at ten past three.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(patiently)
What colour?

STRAHA
(wandering eyes)
Mauve with…kinda orange dots on it and
a miniature dragon stuck to the top with gaffer tape…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nodding, smiling)
I’m sure they’ll leave us alone.
(to himself in a sigh)
Knew I shouldn’t have taken Michael up on that bet
to pour tequila all over the pot plants…

IRONYUPPIE
Quiet in the ranks.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s our ETA?

DIAMOND
Same as everyone else’s ETA,
a Basque terrorist group.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hardy har har!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Approaching landing zone now, Doc.

Two PRIMITIVE TRIBESMEN, DRACONISNOIR and REDROVER, standing on a low rise. They are both wearing a mixture of ragged pre-War clothing and that improvised from animal skins. They also have lots of corporate logos pinned to them as talismans. The tribesmen are watching the Jenna Jameson as it comes in to land.

DRACONISNOIR
Hmm. Another great bird of
the highest sky cometh.

REDROVER
You don’t have to speak that
way when the tourists aren’t here.

DRACONISNOIR
Okay. But what are we
going to do about this shuttle?

REDROVER
Inform the Elder…
And…the others…

REDROVER
Seriously, do you want a slice of this melon?
It’s really tasty. And good for you.

DRACONISNOIR
(in long-suffering voice)
None of which changes the fact that you stuck your dick in it!

Fade up from dramatic music. We see all the Ah.comers except STRAHA leave the shuttle.

LANDSHARK
You sure it’s safe to leave
Straha with the shuttle?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, given that the alternative
is him coming out and trying
to score drugs off the populace…

DIAMOND
Yeah, remember that world where
we visited when it was ’64?

KIT
Who’d have thought we could
actually prevent the cultural changes of the Sixties by
cutting off the supply at the source?

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, here come some Primitive Tribesmen.
(in loud, slow David Attenborough voice)
Hel-lo! We – come – in – peace!
Take – me – to – your – leader!

DRACONISNOIR
Very – well – stranger!

REDROVER
Why – must – we – talk – like – this?

DOCTOR WHAT
Um…
(in a hiss)
Say something!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This reminds me of what
Aristocranes of Joppa said
when the Holy Roman
Empire defeated Philip of
Macedon’s army at Gettysburg…

DIAMOND
(suspiciously)
I don’t think you should have
bought those textbooks from
FedX’s history teacher.

DRACONISNOIR
Come. You must speak
to the Elder.

DOCTOR WHAT
Speak to the Elder, yes,
good idea.

REDROVER
(to Draconis, as they walk away)
He sounds like he comes
from the northern wastes of Eh-land.

DRACONISNOIR
Don’t be silly, we’ve been talking to him for five whole
minutes and he hasn’t drunk one bottle of maple syrup.

Pan up again to reveal DOMINUSNOVUS (blond, good-looking). He is sitting on a ramp leading up into the landed Counterfactual.net ship. He is leaning against a crate, and has a small pocket mirror in one hand by his side.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Wonder how I’m looking?
(raises mirror to his face)
I’m looking nice!
My hair is nice,
my face is nice,
my clothes are nice,
I’m looking really nice!
Puts the mirror down and twiddles his thumbs for a couple of seconds, then a troubled expression crosses his face.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Wonder how I’m looking now?
(raises mirror again and smiles)
Still looking nice!

A PRIMITIVE TRIBESMAN approaches. This is BRIANP.

BRIANP
You gave one of the new weapons
to my idiot neighbour!
Now I covet one myself…
And his wife…
(Pause)
and his dog.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Hmm?

BRIANP
What must I do?

DOMINUSNOVUS hands him a crumpled piece of paper.

BRIANP
“Oh great and glorious Dom,
so handsome that I can barely restrain
myself, take pity on this homely type
and give me a plasma rifle.”
(he looks faintly sick).

DOMINUSNOVUS
Okay.

He opens the crate, pulls out a plasma rifle, tosses it to BRIANP, and goes back to ogling himself in the mirror.

BRIANP
(strokes plasma rifle)
My Precious…

He scurries away. ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS (skinny, bald teen with penetrating expression) comes out of the ship’s ramp.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Hey, NarcissusVetus.
You finished with that one?
I feel like flaying someone alive.
(cracks an imaginary whip and sighs)

DOMINUSNOVUS
No, he sounded more sincere than
the others. Wait your turn.
(pause)
What are Ward and Grimm talking about?

GRIMM REAPER
The plan.

DOMINUSNOVUS and ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS turn to see GRIMM REAPER (thin, goatee, plotting expression, dressed in Death robe) and WARD (in his sixties, military uniform, hardass) standing in the doorway. Behind them are the three Trekkie Minions, FEDERATIONX, FORTYSEVEN and GEDCA, all wearing red shirts.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
What about the plan?

GRIMM REAPER
There’s been some…developments…

WARD
Trekkies. You, boys.
You know what to do.

GEDCA nods and hurries away, drawing a phaser with one hand and a crysknife with the other. He is followed by FORTYSEVEN and FEDERATIONX, both of whom also draw phasers.

GRIMM REAPER
You been giving the plasma rifles
away again for compliments, Dominus?

DOMINUSNOVUS
They can’t help complimenting me
‘cause I’m so good-looking, so of
course I give them the weapons.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Oh please. I’ve seen hairy man ass that’s
better looking than you.

Everyone pauses and take in the comment.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
(Angrily)
You know what I mean.

WARD
Youngsters’re too vain these days.
Back in my day…

GRIMM REAPER
(bony smile)
Irrelevant. So long as the Trekkies succeed…
the plan will go ahead.

Begins an evil laugh, joined by the others, except DOMINUSNOVUS who continues to stare into his mirror and eventually lets out more of a staccato sigh.

DOMINUSNOVUS
I’m prettier than hairy man ass.

DOCTOR WHAT
(in a hiss to REDROVER)
Who is this?

REDROVER
Our Honoured Elder.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding knowingly)
Ah.
They halt before the throne.

N-RED
(dreamily but commanding)
All shall bow in the presence of the Elder!
REDROVER and DRACONISNOIR immediately fall to their knees. After the obligatory few seconds’ gawking, OTHNIEL and DOCTOR WHAT also kneel and pull the others down with them.

LANDSHARK
(in a hiss)
I always said I only did
this for IronYuppie…

IRONYUPPIE
(in a hiss)
And don’t you forget it, boy!

N-RED
(not visible as we are focusing on the Ah.commers)
The Elder Speaketh!

ELDER
(also VO)
Waaaaaaah!!!

Pause. Ah.comers look up, puzzled, to see that seated in the throne is a baby wearing a paper crown and screaming.

DOCTOR WHAT
Um…

OTHNIEL
Your Elder…

DIAMOND
Is sort of…younger…than we…

LANDSHARK
It’s a frickin’ baby!

N-RED
(serenely)
Yes.

Awkward pause, aside from ELDER continuing to scream.

OTHNIEL
Ooh, ooh, I know, you believe the
souls of your past Elders are
reincarnated in children…?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, no, you believe that the wisdom
of the child, being innocent, is fundamentally
‘elder’ than that of the adult…?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ah, perhaps the fallout has
caused you to age backwards…?

N-RED
No, we just can’t count.

Another awkward pause.

IRONYUPPIE
So…now what happens?

N-RED
As the ancient prophecies foretold,
we must host a banquet in your honour.

DIAMOND
Great!

N-RED
Prepare the ritual!
“Over thirty five million sold.”

ALL TRIBESMEN
“And also with you.”

LANDSHARK
Good job we didn’t bring Grey Wolf…

DOCTOR WHAT
Give me some credit, drinking your host’s
drinks cellar dry doesn’t do much to endear you to people.

STRAHA
Nope, nope.
(Pause)
Laughable.
(Pause)
Stupid.
(Pause)
They should never have let him write
about as important a subject as the Draka…

Suddenly we hear a clunk. STRAHA turns around to see, through the open shuttle door, three Trekkies in red shirts approaching.

STRAHA
You three!

GEDCA
Get him!
All three Trekkies fire their phasers at STRAHA, who ducks back inside the Jenna Jameson and pulls out a pistol, returning fire as he leans around a corner. FEDERATIONX falls to the floor, gasping.

FEDERATIONX
I’m dead, Jim…

STRAHA
That shirt just got redder…

GEDCA
Ya hya choudhya, whatever!

GEDCA and FORTYSEVEN take more shots at STRAHA, who then turns and looks around desperately in the shuttle.

STRAHA
(to himself)
Can’t get to the controls…but…

He pops a medical pack off the wall and begins frantically searching through it.

FORTYSEVEN
Eat nadions!

A golden phaser beam lashes out, passes an inch above STRAHA’s head and hits the bulkhead behind, causing the obligatory sparks. STRAHA whips his head around, pulls out his pistol, and fires again. FORTYSEVEN falls to the floor in a spin. Close up on STRAHA’s smirk, which turns to shock as GEDCA, with a brilliant shot, shoots the pistol from STRAHA’s hand. STRAHA turns to back away but a second phaser blast hits him in the shoulder and knocks him to the floor. He grunts with pain. GEDCA walks up slowly, casually. He takes a look at STRAHA and contemptuously casts his phaser away, drawing his crysknife.

GEDCA
Your water will be too
contaminated to save,
abomination…it shall be
spilled on the sand.

STRAHA
(laboured breath)
Well, this is Utah, where oral sex is illegal and there’s a huge Salt Lake…
two facts which may be connected.

Focus on STRAHA’s hand as it slowly inches towards the abandoned medical kit.

GEDCA
(smirking)
Any last words?

STRAHA
Yeah…
Take a pill!

STRAHA’s hand whips around, holding a red pill which he hurls in the direction of GEDCA, who starts in surprise. Follow the pill as it heads straight and true, hits GEDCA in the mouth, and he vanishes with a whoomph.

STRAHA
(grinning through the pain)
Good thing I got the right colour…
He should be waking up in the
Matrix about now.

He gingerly pulls himself upright and goes to the control panel. He sees it is sparking from a phaser hit.

STRAHA
Uh-oh. Not good.
Not good at all.
(pause)
Why am I talking to myself?
(pause)
That usually only happens when someone puts tequila in my weed.
(pause)
Either that or…
(grins crazily)

I’m Spider-Man!
Grinning, STRAHA hurls himself at the side of the shuttle, tries to climb up the wall, and falls off with a thump.

The Court is now filled with long tables. At the head of each table is a priest dressed as Ronald McDonald, who hands out Happy Meal bags.

DOCTOR WHAT
(gingerly biting into a Big Mac)
Wow, tastes just like the original.

OTHNIEL
You mean…

DOCTOR WHAT
Crap, yes.

REDROVER
Strangers! You insult our honour!

DIAMOND
He’s sorry, he didn’t mean it.

DOCTOR WHAT
I didn’t?
(notices guards closing in with knives)
(hastily)
I mean, I didn’t!

REDROVER
(mollified)
Very well. It is not made of crap.

DRACONISNOIR
It is made of the flesh of our
last set of enemies.
(bites greedily into his)

Most of the Ah.commers go green and set down their Big Macs; IRONYUPPIE starts eating hers with more enthusiasm.

IRONYUPPIE
(mouth full)
Tastes like chicken…

OTHNIEL
Um, about eating people…

REDROVER
Don’t worry, they weren’t real people…

DRACONISNOIR
They were Pizza Hut-worshipping heathens.
(spits in contempt)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(in a whisper)
Nobody mention our Sheep worship.

LANDSHARK
What do you mean, ‘our’ sheep worship?

DIAMOND
Hey, Doc, maybe you could teach them how to make
‘Doctor What’s Love Human’.

DOCTOR WHAT
(seriously considers it, but then)
No.
(portentously)
The world is not ready…

We hear the sound of the Fraggle Rock theme tune and KIT pulls out a mobile phone.

KIT
Captain? Who’s that?
Oh… It’s for you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks, Kit.
(picks up the phone, then stares at it critically)
Um Kit, this is a mobile phone, isn’t it…?

KIT
(winks)
Among other things.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah.
(Holds the phone at arm’s length and shouts)
WHAT? OH, HI STRAHA…NO THIS PLANET
HAS ALREADY HAD ONE NUCLEAR WAR,
THERE’S NO NEED TO MAKE YOUR USUAL SUGGESTION…
OH, NOT THAT? YOU WHAT?!
OKAY…

He puts the phone down and starts urgently wiping his hand on a napkin.

LANDSHARK
(watching this)
Hey Redrover, what are the
napkins made of?

REDROVER
(puzzledly)
Cloth.

LANDSHARK
(punches the table)
Dammit!

DOCTOR WHAT
(gravely)
Something’s happened.
I think Straha’s found the
source of those readings.
It’s the Counterfactual.net ship. They’ve landed here.
A collective gasp of horror and surprise.

IRONYUPPIE
Those bozos? Here?

DOCTOR WHAT
Not only that…our shuttle’s damaged.
We have no way of getting back.

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“AFTER CUBA”
Written by : THANDE

HENDRYK is sprawled out in the Command Chiar, looking bored. At the back, MICHAEL is standing near the CORRUPT A WISH THREAD with the holographic WISH GENIE grinning down at him. GBW (average height, unmemorable features) enters the Control Room, looking bleary-eyed.

GBW
So what’s up?
Where’d everyone go?

HENDRYK
The glorious leader is still down
on the planet… that poor, poor planet…
bereft of China and France!

GBW
Jeez. I take a little nap…
(sighs)
I told you all I was sorry about when I claimed that
airships aren’t economically competitive…

Everyone glares at GBW and a few of them make what look like some kind of holy protective sign in his direction.

LEO CAESIUS
Nothing to do but stay here and monitor
the transmissions fromdown there. English
has undergone fascinating permutations…
still used as an international language, but
now almost nowhere as a native tongue…

GBW
(sighs)
That reminds me of the time, long ago, when-
Suddenly the intercom begins to beep. HENDRYK answers it.

HENDRYK
Allô?

DOCTOR WHAT
(distorted)
Hendryk? Doctor What here, we have
problems. The Jenna Jameson is busted and
the CF.netters are here, causing trouble…

HENDRYK
Sacré merde!

DOCTOR WHAT
You must tell Thande and Torq to send
down their project, and a shuttle!

HENDRYK
Of course, Great One! Why…
(pauses, thinking)
Why, you…
(smiles)
Oh, you must think I’m a fool.

DOCTOR WHAT
What?

HENDRYK
As though you are the real,
great Doctor What… You simply
want me to send another shuttle
down so you can strip it of technology.
The real Doctor told me specifically
not to disturb Thande and Torqumada.
Where are you from, eh?
Brazil, South Africa, India?

DOCTOR WHAT
Hendryk, I’m serious!
The power generators-

HENDRYK
If you are the real
Doctor What, recite the
Third Cunnilazarus Sutra!

DOCTOR WHAT
What?
How should I know?
You wrote it!

HENDRYK
Goodbye, Señor. Nice try.
He hangs up.

LEO CAESIUS
What if that…was the real Doctor?

HENDRYK
I don’t trust anything on this world.

MICHAEL
Pfft, whatever.
(He turns to WISH GENIE)
I wish for a nice cup of tea.

Tea in a china cup appears before MICHAEL, he takes it, drinks it, and nods resignedly as the cup shatters to leave millions of china splinters in his hand. He walks over to the massive first aid cabinet beside the well, goes past a dozen boxes labelled ‘CHEMOTHERAPY KIT – IN CASE OF THANDE INCIDENT, BREAK GLASS’ and finally gets some Elastoplast and tweezers. He goes to work on his hand.

GBW
Hmm, I guess we’ve got nothing left to do but share amusing anecdotes.
Did I ever tell you about the time, long ago, when I-

MICHAEL
(sighing at GBW’s rambling story)
I wish someone would shoot me.

A bullet suddenly comes out of nowhere and hits MICHAEL, who falls over.

WISH GENIE
Wish granted. However, you fell onto a
pool of Thande’s regenerative serum,
meaning you are immediately resurrected…
it has only one major side effect, namely cancer of the—
MICHAEL holds up his hand to forestall the comment and grabs one of the chemotherapy kits.

GBW
(eyeing regenerative serum on floor)
Someone should really clean that up.
(troubled frown)
It reminds me of the time when…

All the Ah.commers, including STRAHA, are clustered in the Court after the banquet.

DIAMOND
So the power generator is shot…

LANDSHARK
But the engines are still okay?

STRAHA
Uh-huh.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, we’ve got three choices.

IRONYUPPIE
One: we kick the asses of those
CF.net rentboys and steal their ship.

KIT
Two: we go to one of this timeline’s
space-capable powers and steal ourselves
a primitive orbital capsule, possibly using…
our seductive talents.

LANDSHARK
What do you mean, our?

OTHNIEL
Three: we find a power source so we
can repair our shuttle.

DIAMOND
Ain’t gonna happen on this world.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
They don’t even have fusion yet.
No power sources good enough.
As Admiral Wellington said to
Washington at Paschendaele…

DOCTOR WHAT
Anyway. I don’t fancy our chances on hijacking, so I
guess it’s time to go kick arse and chew bubble gum!

Everyone cheers, then a pause.

IRONYUPPIE
Aren’t you going to finish that quote?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, see, I actually do have bubblegum.
And I’m planning to chew it while you lot do the arse-kicking.

LANDSHARK
Well, at least he’s honest.

They begin to get up and pack.

DRACONISNOIR
You are leaving so soon?

DOCTOR WHAT
(in talking-to-natives voice)
We must. We have lost our
transport, but we have learned that
some enemies of ours are here and
have brought one of their own.

REDROVER
Enemies? Have you any weapons?

DIAMOND
Some…but we left most on the ship.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This was supposed to be a
diplomatic mission!

LANDSHARK
(looks at him)
Really? When was the last time we did that?

DOCTOR WHAT
Timeline 3262, wasn’t it?

LANDSHARK
“Hosting a reception so you can try and get into the pants of the World Empress” is not the same thing as a diplomatic mission.

DOCTOR WHAT
How so?

LANDSHARK
Well, for a start, there were no little round gold chocolates.
Can’t be a diplomatic mission without little round gold chocolates.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiles)
Ahh…you left before the fifth round of drinks, didn’t you?
You’d be surprised by how many of those things you can fit up—

DIAMOND
(coughs)
Anyway, the point is we don’t have any guns.

DRACONISNOIR
Well, remember the greatest weapon
can’t be taken from you: your wits.

IRONYUPPIE
How naïve.

LANDSHARK
We’re screwed.

REDROVER
Okay. In that case, why not
borrow my plasma rifle?

He wields the potent advanced weapon, offering it to PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who stares at him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But that’s…

DOCTOR WHAT
Years in advance of even
the superpowers here!

LANDSHARK
Where did you get it?

REDROVER
(shrugs)
From the Others…

OTHNIEL
The Others?

DRACONISNOIR
They came a month ago.
They have a sky ship like yours, but bigger.

REDROVER
And they sell us these weapons,
which kill our enemies and
cook them for the banquet in one go!

DRACONISNOIR
A magnificent innovation.
(points at dial on side of plasma rifle)
Look, it even has a chargrill setting!

DOCTOR WHAT
My great googly moogly…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
They’re trying to upset the
delicate balance of this timeline!

OTHNIEL
Arming the tribes…
Next comes the East Utah Company.

DRACONISNOIR
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
(gravely)
Never mind.

DIAMOND
Uh, how do you recharge
those things, anyway?

REDROVER and DRACONISNOIR exchange glances.

REDROVER
Our priests perform the ritual,
using our sacred tribal artefact…

DRACONISNOIR
But it is forbidden for outlanders to see!

DOCTOR WHAT
(raises hands defensively)
Okay. We’ll respect your custom.
REDROVER and DRACONISNOIR leave.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to himself)
The hell we will.
(to the group)
Landshark, IronYuppie – stay behind
and check out this artefact thing.

LANDSHARK
Huh! Knowing this lot it’ll be
a bloody McDonald’s neon sign…

IRONYUPPIE
Don’t be stupid, Sharky.
How can they recharge plasma cannons off a neon sign?

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ll pursue the main attack,
but you two must do this.

LANDSHARK
Oh, all right, if we must.

KIT
This calls for a cunning plan…

The Counterfactual.net ship is as before, with ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS, DOMINUSNOVUS, WARD and GRIMM REAPER sitting on the ramp amidst crates of plasma rifles.

WARD
You certain?

GRIMM REAPER
How can we ever be certain, truly?

DOMINUSNOVUS
(still gazing into his mirror)
I’m certain I’m irresistible.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Oh, brother.

WARD
Hey, here come some more loser natives.

The AH.com crew approach, each of them wearing big red truncated-pyramid hats that cover their entire heads.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Who are you scum?

DOCTOR WHAT
(echoing inside the hat)
We are the People of Pizza Hut.

OTHNIEL
We worship at the
Red Pagoda.

DIAMOND
You have given weapons to our mortal enemies, the McDonaldites…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Now we want ‘a piece of the action’, as Genghis Khan said to General Pinochet-

DOCTOR WHAT nudges PSYCHOMELTDOWN pointedly.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
How amusing.
May I slaughter them, slowly?

GRIMM REAPER
(waving his hand thoughtfully)
No. Let us escalate things.
It will make them more…interesting.
(to himself)
Where do I know that voice…?

WARD
(gruffly)
Where I come from, it’s
polite to introduce yourself.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh, sure. I’m Italiano,
(gestures to STRAHA)
He’s Hawaiian,
(gestures to DIAMOND)
He’s Americano,
(gestures to OTHNIEL)
He’s Margherita,
(gestures to PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
He’s Anchovy,
(gestures to KIT)
And he’s Hot ‘n’ Spicy.

DOMINUSNOVUS
No, I think you’ll find that’s me!
(giggles to himself)

GRIMM REAPER
(suddenly something clicks)
Anchovy you say?
He sounds more like lamb to me…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN shifts uncomfortably.

OTHNIEL
Nope, he’s never lain down with a lion.

KIT
A lion in the sack maybe…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Guys, please?

GRIMM REAPER
Hm. In that case you won’t
mind it if we seal our bargain
with a mutton-flavoured cigar?

He pulls one out and holds it in front of PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who reflexively recoils.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
So! Sheepies!
I shall kill them!

GRIMM REAPER pulls PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s pagoda hat off. Suddenly all the Ah.comers dive to the floor, their red pagoda hats comically remaining in midair for a split second afterwards. The Ah.comers reappear behind some of the crates.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s blown it! Open fire!

All the Ah.commers snatch up plasma rifles from the crates and start firing; the Cf.netters pull out their own plasma rifles and return fire, except WARD who has a huge plasma Gatling gun. As the battle rages…

A large room filled with a variety of complex scientific technology. In the centre are THANDE and TORQUMADA (balding, also with white lab coat), who are both surrounded by biotech apparatus. As we watch, THANDE slowly pours a vial of yellow liquid into a test tube of orange liquid, agitates it, sniffs and sips, then shakes his head.

THANDE
Too much lemon.
Okay, how are we?

TORQUMADA
The cultured cells respond as predicted. But whether
that will hold true for the whole organism…

THANDE
It’s a risk we’ll have to take.
Begin DNA sequencing ASAP.

TORQUMADA turns back to the apparatus, but suddenly the door to the lab opens. In come DAVE HOWERY and GREY WOLF, who are duelling. DAVE HOWERY has his adamantium chainsaw and GREY WOLF has his unicorn-hilted rapier. Sparks fly as they clash.

DAVE HOWERY
Just you wait till I get my robot tanks!

GREY WOLF
I’m, um, going to knock you all the way back to Jesusland!

GREY WOLF ducks one of DAVE HOWERY’s sweeps. The adamantium chainsaw swings around and smashes through a rack of distillation tubes. A perfect diagonal line is visible for a second as the rack holds together, then it collapses into ruin. GREY WOLF attempts a thrust, but DAVE HOWERY jumps aside and the rapier punctures an IV bag, which begins leaking liquid all over the floor. Similar scenes of destruction follow as the pair continue to duel across the room, eventually leaving through an opposite door. THANDE and TORQUMADA watch, resigned.

TORQUMADA
Deplorable.

THANDE
I wouldn’t mind so much, but it’s the third time this week.
(shrugs)
Oh well, back to work…

TORQUMADA
…on Doctor What’s famous project.
(sighs)
This is taking too much time out of my brain research.

THANDE
Yep – and it’s not as though there’s any brain research involved in this…

IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK creep furtively around the Court. LANDSHARK peers around a corner and we can see the CHILD ELDER with N-RED, DRACONISNOIR and REDROVER.

ELDER
Waaaaah!

N-RED
Elder says leave!

REDROVER and DRACONISNOIR turn and march away. IRONYUPPIE nods to LANDSHARK and, as the two tribesmen pass, the two AH.commers reach out, grab them and pull them around the corner. We hear a scuffle, then IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK reappear dressed in the tribesmens’ clothes.

LANDSHARK
(gushing slightly)
That was amazing. I didn’t even know you could do that with a man’s kidneys…

IRONYUPPIE
Hush, Sharky.

LANDSHARK
These clothes smell like baby oil…

They continue to the throne, then behind it to a dark passage. Creeping along, they see N-RED holding the ELDER and bowing before a graven image. An image like…a seal, a walrus? But it is wearing sunglasses and gold chains, and in one flipper it carries a filofax, and in the other a large mobile phone!

IRONYUPPIE
Suite holey Jebus Cripes!

LANDSHARK
It’s…

BOTH
A SUCCESSFUL SEA LION!
N-RED whips around.

N-RED
I told you two to – huh?

There’s a confused struggle and it finishes with IRONYUPPIE pressing N-RED against the wall and tying her hands behind her back.

LANDSHARK
Are you sure those are moans of agony?

IRONYUPPIE
In a manner of speaking.

As we watch, DIAMOND is hit by two blasts from WARD’s Gatling and falls to the floor, two bad but not mortal wounds in his chest.

DIAMOND
Uhhhhnn…

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re losing this!

OTHNIEL
Of course we are, they know their own weapons better!

STRAHA
There must be something, like, that we can do!

Suddenly, all four Cf.netters look up, aghast.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
That is not playing fair!
(pouts)
And only I am allowed to God-mode!

The Ah.commers also look up to see the Jenna Jameson descending before them.

DOCTOR WHAT
What?…how?

The shuttle lands and LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE jump out. IRONYUPPIE hurls her Electric Chinese Razor Yo-yo of Death at the CF.netters, who hastily retreat into their ship.

WARD glares at them and it looks as though he’s about to stay and fight, but GRIMM REAPER manages to drag him back inside just before the Yo-yo hits the wall where he was standing and explodes in a blur of lightning.

IRONYUPPIE
Come on, you sons of mothers!

All pile into the shuttle, STRAHA and PSYCHOMELTDOWN dragging a moaning DIAMOND.

The Cf.net ship pursuing the shuttle. Purple particle beams lance out and hit the shuttle.

The scene is shaking as more energy beams hit the shuttle. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and OTHNIEL are piloting while LANDSHARK sits at the back with a slightly confused expression on his face.

DOCTOR WHAT
Try to lose them!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(biting his lip)
What do you think I’m
trying to do, fix the squeak on the chair?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, while you’re at it, see to that too, it’s really annoying.

OTHNIEL
It’s no good.
Wait…I…

Suddenly, before them, the Ah.com ship appears from behind the Moon –

HENDRYK
Vive le Docteur!
Monsieur Matt, tirez!

MATT
(hammers down on control panel)
Eat this, you asshats!

The Ah.com ship’s turrets blast out a broadside of red particle beams that strike the unshielded CF.net ship, ripping gouts of fire across its flank.

The CF.net’s bridge looks much like the AH.com’s, but in darker tones and even more run-down. A console explodes as we watch.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Damn it! They took out the primary power conduit
to our main weapons array!

WARD
(in dangerous tones)
Have you failed me…?

FAEELIN
Negative, sir – we simply didn’t have time to raise
the shields after leaving the atmosphere.

WARD glares at him for a moment as the ship rocks with more weapons fire.

WARD
(mutters to himself)
Teach me to land the ship…from now on it’s shuttles or teleporters only.
Go and tell the new guys to scrape up the Trekkies and then get Fortyseven trained on working the pads.
And as for now…

GRIMM REAPER
Sir – we have no weapons. We’re sitting ducks for them.

WARD
(grinds his teeth)
And that traitor What just flits away in his shuttle.
All right. You win this time, you bastard.
(sighs)
Shift us out.

With the thrumming power core in the background, we see three CF.net crewmen, two men and a woman, their backs to us, as they carry in the Trekkies on stretchers. FORTYSEVEN and FEDERATIONX both have bleeding chest wounds and are moaning in pain, while GEDCA’s eyes have rolled back in his head and we can see scrolling lines of ghosting green-on-black text in them.

GEDCA
(muttering to himself)
Whoa.
The stretchers are dumped on the floor and the grumbling crewmen start giving them medical aid.

MAN 1
Some junket this is. Captain Ward didn’t even let us out to see this timeline.

MAN 2
Well, it was a bit post-apocalyptic, bro, probably not that nice a place to see.

MAN 1
All the same…

WOMAN
Yeah, crosstime travel is why I signed up for this in the first place.
See strange new places, the familiar in bizarre contexts…
Why, you might even run into your alternate version from another timeline!

MAN 1
I’m not sure I want to think about that.

MAN 2
Me either.

WOMAN
Pfft, you two are such squares.
The three of them finally turn away from the Trekkies to reveal they are subtly different versions of DRACONISNOIR, REDROVER and N-RED.

The battered Jenna Jameson docks back aboard the Ah.com ship and the weary crew stumble out of the shuttle pod.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right – that’s it – we have to find some better pilots.
GBW can handle a yoke, can’t he? How about Matt?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(grumbles)
Yeah, you’re welcome.

LANDSHARK, looking extremely confused, raises his hand for a moment before putting it down and shaking his head in puzzlement.

The Ah.commers from the shuttle come through the doors to the control room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Amazing! Good work, Archbishop!

HENDRYK
(preens)
C’est ne rien pas.

DOCTOR WHAT
So much, in fact, that I’m only giving you a week’s hard labour for
doubting me earlier and getting us into this shit in the first place.

HENDRYK
Je suis malade…

The doors open again to admit THANDE and TORQUMADA

TORQUMADA
Hey Doc, we finished the project…

DOCTOR WHAT
(suddenly keen)
Yes? Yes??

THANDE
But, um, there may have been a
typo on your memo, where
someone spilt…white-out…on it…

KIT
(smirks)
Yeah, right.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind that,
where are they?!

THANDE
Um…

The doors open yet again and in marches an army of Paris Hilton clones. However, they are all dressed in Elizabethan male dress with pantaloons and are holding skulls.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the-?

PARIS HILTON CLONES
Alas, poor Yorick, he was undone…tis better to
…now is the winter of our discontent…
oh happy dagger…by any other name…
come let me grasp thee…

DOCTOR WHAT
Thespian Paris Hilton Clones?!!!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(VO)
I never even got to see the New Ottoman Empire…

All look up to see he is still stuck in the ceiling – all look down again.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(turns away from the conflagration)
I still don’t believe this bullshit about
a successful Sea Lion.

IRONYUPPIE
You doubt my word?
I’ll make you pay for that, sheep boy…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So why didn’t you bring it back?

LANDSHARK
Because the Great Ian would have
righteously smote the ship, of course.
(pause)
And because it was bloody heavy.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah right, likely story.

OTHNIEL
So we didn’t bring back
any souvenirs of the voyage at all?

IRONYUPPIE
(smirks)
I wouldn’t say that…

A sturdy door, with a hefty medieval lock on it and a name plate reading:

IRONYUPPIE’S LAIR
ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE

The door creaks open before us and inside we see a Spanish Inquisition-esque dungeon, in which, tied to three pillars in the centre, are REDROVER, DRACONISNOIR and N-RED.

DRACONISNOIR
You know, I have a bad feeling about this…

Middle-range shot of the AH.COM as it rests in orbit around a huge but apparently lifeless hunk of rock somewhere in the asteroid belt.


GREY WOLF
(offscreen)
(singing drunkenly)
I’m Hen-ery the Eighth I am
Hen-ery the Eighth I am
I am married to the widow next door
She’s been married seven times before

LANDSHARK
(offscreen)
(pleading)
Would you please, for the love of all that is holy…
SHUT UP!


Camera focuses in on a smallish window in the ship’s hull and begins to slowly zoom in on it until we are inside the AH.COM’s spacious Mess Hall..

We see two figures sitting at a table – LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF.


GREY WOLF
(singing)
And ev’ry one was an Hen-ery
She wouldn’t have a Willie or a Sam
No sir!

LANDSHARK
I’m trying to eat, you drunken twit!


LANDSHARK throws down his fork in disgust. A piece of unidentifiable meat product flies off the end of the fork and lands wetly on his cheek. He wipes it off deliberately and sighs.


GREY WOLF
(still singing)
I’m her eighth old man
I’m Hen-ery
Hen-ery the eighth I am!


The galley is silent, and GREY WOLF takes a long pull from his bottle of absinthe.


LANDSHARK
Why were you singing that anyway?
Isn’t it a little… beneath you?

GREY WOLF
(in a tone of wounded dignity)
I’ll have you know I was singing it for my unicorn.

LANDSHARK
Bubbles?
Isn’t he down in the livestock bay?

GREY WOLF
Not Bubbles; the other one.


LANDSHARK looks around suspiciously.


LANDSHARK
Uh… what other one?
You did remember to take your meds today, didn’t you?

GREY WOLF
I was singing it for the green unicorn that lives in my bottle.
He says that song is an under-appreciated gem.

LANDSHARK
Ooookayyyy….
Hey! What’s that over there?


LANDSHARK points to the other end of the galley.


GREY WOLF
(looking around blearily)
Huh? Wozzat?


While GREY WOLF is distracted, LANDSHARK uses his fork to flip a quick-dissolving tablet of MegaProzac into GREY WOLF’S absinthe bottle.


LANDSHARK
Oh… I guess it was nothing.

GREY WOLF
(happily)
Well, in that case –


GREY WOLF takes a swig from his bottle and puts his arm around the inaginary unicorn at his side.


GREY WOLF
(cont.)
Second verse!
Same as the first!
A little bit louder
A little bit-


GREY WOLF’S eyes suddenly glaze over and his head smacks the table as he goes out like a light.


LANDSHARK
Oh thank God.


LANDSHARK pauses, looks about, and then pilfers GREY WOLF’s wallet.


LANDSHARK
(sighing)
Of course… Nothing.

Fade from black. Our point-of-view is at elbow-height along the length of a stainless steel counter in front of a series of mysterious blinking lights and switches. Cookie crumbs can be seen strewn liberally all over the counter. In the background are several blurred figures.

Suddenly the camera focuses on one figure and races towards its face at alarming speed. It nearly hits DAVE HOWERY’S face, and he jumps back a little.


DAVE HOWERY
Hey! Watch that thing, would you?
The idiot kids back at the Wendy’s
showed more care with the deep-fat fryer!

CAMERA-MAN
(offscreen)
Sorry about that, sir.


DAVE HOWERY grumbles and brushes imaginary dust off his sleeves.

Our view widens to include the whole Battle Room. DOCTOR WHAT sits in his command chair, nattily dressed in a tweed coat and a blue tutu. Several other members of the AH.COM – GBW, MICHAEL, and MATT – stand in a loose circle around the chair, trying not to be obvious about it as they glance at the Doc.


GBW
(whispering)
Should we tell him?

MATT
Nah. He probably already knows.
Tell you the truth, I think he likes it.


GBW stifles a giggle and glances at the Doc’s tutu.


DOCTOR WHAT
Tell me what?

MICHAEL
(clearing throat)
Uh… did you know you were wearing a tutu?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, this old thing?
I mean… NO! What tutu?


DOCTOR WHAT suddenly rips off the tutu and hides it behind the command chair. Now he’s left wearing only a yellowed pair of tighty-whities and his tweed coat. Oh, and a pair of suede loafers.


MICHAEL
At least it’s not a thong…

GBW
Riiiiiggghhht…

DOCTOR WHAT
(briskly)
Moving right along – what did you have to tell us, Dave?
Something about a transshifter-something-or-other-drive?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah. I don’t know how I missed it. I must’ve…


DAVE HOWERY’S voice trails off into an indistinct mutter.

MATT tries not to shudder as he catches a glimpse of DOCTOR WHAT’S underwear.


MATT
What was that? Couldn’t quite hear you.

DAVE HOWERY
(embarrassed)
Well… you remember that timeline
a few jumps back? The one with the
really great weather in Wyoming?
The one where I spent the whole time relaxing outside?

GBW
(scowling)
The one where you spent the whole time
rubbing our noses in how great the weather was
and how didn’t we wish we weren’t on duty
so we could come enjoy it?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah. That one.

MICHAEL
Yeah? So?

DAVE HOWERY
I was having such a great time there that I,
uh, must’ve forgot to refuel the
Transshift Accelerator Drive.


There are groans and moans from everyone gathered in the battle room. DOCTOR WHAT grows pale and suddenly shrieks, shaking his fists at the ceiling.


DOCTOR WHAT
(shouting)
The Transshift Accelerator Drive?
The Transshift Accelerator Drive!?!
Oh dear God, why? How could you forget
to refuel it? It’s a critical piece of machinery!
WHY?!?


DOCTOR WHAT suddenly slumps back in his chair (pulling the wedgie out of his crack) and scratches his head, a confused look on his face.


DOCTOR WHAT
(cont.)
What exactly does that thing do again?

DAVE HOWERY
Y’know, I’m not sure.
We just keep putting fuel into its hopper,
and it keeps doing… whatever it is it does.

MATT
What kind of fuel does it use?

DAVE HOWERY
Well… I…

MICHAEL
Let me guess – you don’t know that either.
What kind of Engineering Chief are you, anyway?

MATT
(under his breath)
A bad one?

DAVE HOWERY
I heard that!


He suddenly whips out a cup of Wendy’s chili.


DAVE HOWERY
You know, this chili isn’t complete without
certain… ingredients. So watch it, bazooka-boy.
Besides, all we’ve got to do is call down to engineering.
Those red-shirted monkeys that work for me
will know what kind of fuel it takes.

We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE sitting at a rickety card table with a stack of tattered cards upon it. Cups of hot coffee sit at their elbows, while all around them, various dials and gauges edge dangerously into the red, no one watching them.


PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This is dumb. Why are we playing this again?

G.BONE
Would you rather be working?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ah. Touché.
As they say, why do something today
when you can damn well do it tomorrow.

G.BONE
Yeah… Whatever.
Now.
(looks down at cards)
You have any threes?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait… I thought we were playing poker.

G.BONE
Poker? I thought we were playing Crazy Eight.


The speaker mounted on the wall above their heads suddenly blares into life. PSYCHOMELTDOWN screeches and falls backward to the floor, knocking his hot coffee into G.BONE’S lap.
Cursing, screaming, and shouting ensue.


DAVE HOWERY
(voice from speaker)
When you two are done screwing around down there,
get your asses up to the Battle Room, OK?


G.BONE shoots PSYCHOMELTDOWN a long-suffering look and cradles his burnt crotch in pain.


G.BONE
The… Pain… is…Terrible.

DOCTOR WHAT
So let me get this straight. None of you
knows what the Transshift Accelerator Drive
does, or what fuel it takes?
Gaaah! I can’t… THINK!

MATT
Maybe if you had some pants on…

DOCTOR WHAT
Good thinking, Matt!
Othniel! Boy! Fetch my pants!


OTHNIEL springs out of a small hatch under DOCTOR WHAT’S throne.


OTHNIEL
Right away sir!


OTHNIEL runs in place like a cartoon for a few seconds, then speeds off down a corridor. Seconds later, he is back, carrying a rich golden pair of bell-bottoms.

DOCTOR WHAT
(patting Othniel on the head)
That’s a good boy, Othniel.

OTHNIEL
Only the best for you, sir!
(gives a bright smile)

DOCTOR WHAT
(struggling into the bell-bottoms, which are disturbingly tight)
All right then, back to your hole, that’s a good boy.


OTHNIEL scurries back into the hatch under the command chair.


MICHAEL
(shaking his head)
I’ll never get used to that.

MATT
But you spent three months in there…

MICHAEL
(faraway look)
It was terrible…
The cold…
The dark…

DOCTOR WHAT
Right then! Let’s get to work!


MONTAGE; a mosaic of scenes played to the music ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor:

The AH.COM crewmembers planning around a large table;

G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN peering at the Transshift Accelerator, scratching their heads;

DAVE HOWERY looking through a stash of Canadian Department of Tourism magazines he had hidden under his mattress, looking over his shoulder guiltily;

MATT clipping his toenails with a pair of bolt cutters;

DOCTOR WHAT doing the back-stroke in the ship’s pool while OTHNIEL fans him with a huge palm frond.

TORQUMADA and THANDE battling a huge glob of flesh crawling down the corridor.

More planning by the crewmembers, DOCTOR WHAT lies passed out on the planning table.

STRAHA lies nestled against the side of the SHEEP THE SIZE OF A VW CAMPER VAN, a small smile on his face.

AH.COM crewmembers looking confused as they stare at a schematic. GBW turns the schematic around, and gives them a satisfied look, they look even more confused.

We’re in a compartment; its true dimensions aren’t clear due to the profusion of pipes, wires, conduits, ducts, panels, and machinery clogging nearly every available space. DOCTOR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are clustered around a small, innocuous piece of machinery. It looks like an old-fashioned meat grinder turned on its side, with wires coming out of it and LEDS blinking random lights.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s it? That’s what all the fuss is about?

DAVE HOWERY
Yep.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Not much to look at, ain’t it?
On the positive side, Leo was able to figure out what kind of fuel it takes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah! I knew someone on this heap of junk would come through for me!
Leo! Hit me, baby!


An intercom overhead comes to life; screeching feedback issues from it, then voices speaking some obscure language, and what sounds suspiciously like a woman moaning in pleasure.


LEO CAESIUS
How may I assist you, Captain?

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking up at the intercom suspiciously)
Well, you can start by telling me what that was I just heard…
You’re not running up the ship’s phone bill with that
Burushaski phone sex line again, are you?

LEO CAESIUS
Er… no… whatever gave you that idea?


The sound of a phone connection being broken is heard in the background.


LEO CAESIUS
(cont.)
Heh, heh… anyway, I’ve found the information you requested.
It was quite simple, really.
I simply phoned Doctor Smedly Arkwright, whom I studied under at Cambridge.
He was a student of Edgar Edgington, who published several books back in the 1950s about—

DAVE HOWERY
(growling)
Cut to the chase.

LEO CAESIUS
Right. The Transshift Accelerator Drive runs on unobtanium,
a rare mineral found only in certain asteroids.

DOCTOR WHAT
Like the one we’re conveniently coincidentally in orbit around?
(winks at camera)

LEO CAESIUS
That is correct. Sensors show sizable deposits of unobtanium within the rock.
The asteroid seems to be riddled with passageways of some sort, possibly artificial.
It should make our mining efforts much easier.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Happy day! Let’s hurry up and get mining!

DAVE HOWERY
That’s very uncharacteristically un-lazy of you…
in a hurry or something?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(loftily)
It just so happens that I’ve discovered a timeline
where Alyson Hannigan is married to me. I’m
going to knock that imposter out and take his place!

DOCTOR WHAT
You, uh, might want to rethink that, Psycho.
My alternate in that timeline is an investigative
reporter, and he’s discovered that little Alyson
is really ‘Al’.
(pause)
If it’s any consolation, she’s still cute as a guy…


PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S face seems to crumble and a single tear tracks down his cheek.


PSYCHOMELTDOWN
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

DAVE HOWERY
By Ian, it’s a beautiful sight
when you witness someone’s soul being crushed!


DOCTOR WHAT nods as PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s cries echo down the corridors.

Fade to black:

Fade up from black:

We are in a large docking bay in one side of the AH.COM. There are several shuttles scattered here and there, most in a state of disrepair. We see DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE, WEAPON M, MATT and IRONYUPPIE standing around one shuttle that seems in better repair than the others.

DAVE HOWERY
All right, is everyone clear on the plan?

IRONYUPPIE
Is that what you call it?

DAVE HOWERY
(defensively)
Hey, it may not be perfect, but it’ll work.
Why doesn’t anyone ever trust me?


Everyone else looks around and shuffles their feet, refusing to meet DAVE HOWERY’S eyes. An uncomfortable silence ensues.


WEAPON M
Anyway…

DAVE HOWERY
(pouting)
Fine. Be that way.

IRONYUPPIE
(in her most winningly charming voice)
Oh, don’t be that way, Dave.
We all trust you implicitly. Don’t we, guys?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MATT, G.BONE, WEAPON M
(in less than convincing voices)
Yeah! Sure! Of course we trust you, Dave! Duh!

IRONYUPPIE
(muttering)
Schmuck…

DAVE HOWERY
(slightly mollified)
Okay then. The plan is simple: we need unobtanium.
The rock we’re orbiting has plenty of it.
G.Bone and Psychomeltdown, with Yuppie and
Matt as protection, go in, take some out of
the walls, and bring it back. Couldn’t be easier!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(dejectedly)
Yeah…
Easy.

G.BONE
We’re gonna die in there…

DAVE HOWERY
(cheerfully)
Now, that’s the spirit!

G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN stand nervously, clad in bulky spacesuits, carrying large, vacuum cleaner-like mining apparatus and rucksacks. MATT and IRONYUPPIE flank them, carrying even larger plasma cannons.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(taking off rebreather)
I wonder why there’s an atmosphere in here?
We should all be sucking vacuum right now.

IRONYUPPIE
I wonder if we really needed to bring guns this big.
My electrified yo-yo can handle anything we’ll find in this dump…

MATT
You can never have guns too big.
(strokes barrel of gun lovingly)

IRONYUPPIE
(rolls eyes)
Right, big guns.
One would think you’re
overcompensating for something…

MATT
(defensively)
I just like to be well armed…

IRONYUPPIE
Rrrright. Let’s get to it.
Matt, you take G.BONE,
I’ll watch Psycho.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nervously)
Why do I have to go with you?
You terrify me…

IRONYUPPIE
Shut it.


G.BONE can be seen snickering and sticking his tongue out at PSYCHOMELTDOWN.


PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You’re sooo dead when we get back, G.Bone…

We follow along behind IRONYUPPIE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN as they cautiously head down the corridor, which appears to almost have been chewed out of the rock around it.

IRONYUPPIE
All righty… what does this stuff
we’re looking for look like?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It should be found in fist-sized deposits
embedded in the walls; it’ll look kind of
like glowing yellow crystals.

IRONYUPPIE
Like that?


IRONYUPPIE points to a glowing yellow lump of crystals on the ground directly in front of them.


PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wha huh?


PSYCHOMELTDOWN uses a small device to check the mineral content of the crystals.


PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yes! Pure unobtanium! I wonder
why it’s just sitting in the middle
of the floor like that though…

IRONYUPPIE
Who the hell cares?
Just take it and let’s get going.
Look – there’s another one!


The two look down the corridor; a neat line of unobtanium crystals stretches as far as they can see.


IRONYUPPIE
(cont.)
We’ll be done in no time.
Sharkie baby, heat up the chocolate sauce,
momma’s comin’ home!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s a wonder any of us are still sane
with mental imagery like that floating around…

G.BONE is greedily stuffing lumps of unobtanium into a canvas sack, while MATT whistles and strokes his alarmingly large gun lovingly.

MATT
(To himself)
Overcompensating??
Pfft!

G.BONE
This is great! We’ll be done in no time.

MATT
Yeah, I guess… too bad
I probably won’t get to shoot anything.

G.BONE
Well, I’d rather have
too little to shoot at than too much.

MATT
Ah, there’s nothing this baby can’t handle!
Did you know it’s got…


The two walk slowly out of camera range, MATT droning on about the virtues of his weapon. In a cross-corridor they’d passed some minutes before, something growls and we see orange eyes glow briefly, then disappear.

IRONYUPPIE idly strolls down the corridor, kicking at pebbles on the ground, her extremely large gun draped across her shoulders, while PSYCHOMELTDOWN, groaning and holding his back, continues to load unobtanium.

IRONYUPPIE
You know, all that bitching and moaning isn’t gonna help any.
I’m here to guard, you’re here to…
do whatever it is you do.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But why can’t I carry the gun for a while?
My back…

IRONYUPPIE
Nope.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But—

IRONYUPPIE
Shhhh!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You—

IRONYUPPIE
Zip it!

G.BONE
Does this remind you of anything?

MATT
Yeah… can’t quite think what it is though…


As G.BONE and MATT approach an intersection where another of the seemingly endless series of corridors crosses theirs, a large, yellow, spherical creature pops out at them.


G.BONE
Yaaaaaah!

MATT
Holy shitballs!

CREATURE
Wakka wakka!


The CREATURE has a large mouth filled with disturbingly white and even teeth, which it gnashes at MATT as he levels his gun at it.


MATT
I’ll hold him off! Run!

G.BONE
Don’t have to tell me twice…


G.BONE runs off down the corridor, the bag of unobtanium balanced precariously on one shoulder. Behind him, MATT opens up with his gun.


MATT
Eat hot plasma, asshat!

We are hovering above the maze of corridors, looking down. From this height (pretend somebody cut off the roof) , we can see IRONYUPPIE, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MATT, and G.BONE running like rats in a maze dotted with yellow unobtanium crystals, being chased by several of the large yellow creatures. The camera begins to sink as the four AH.COMers begin to converge on a large circular central chamber dominated by a low mound of earth.

IRONYUPPIE
(running and shouting into a wrist-com)
AH.com! AH.com! A little help down here please!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(right behind her)
Ahhhhh! Scary yellow thingies!

G.BONE
(running in from another corridor)
I wanna go back to Hawaii!

MATT
(running right behind G.BONE)
I wanna bigger gun!

IRONYUPPIE
Quick! Everyone to the top of
this conveniently placed mound of earth!
We can hold ‘em off from there!


The AH.COMers form up atop the mound, G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN crouched protectively over their bags of unobtanium while MATT and IRONYUPPIE hold off the creatures, blazing away into their ranks.


IRONYUPPIE
AH.com! Sharkie! Alice! Anyone?

G.BONE
All this rock is probably blocking the signal!


Suddenly the round yellow creatures stop their attack and pull back a bit from the mound, leaving a clear space between themselves and the humans.


MATT
I don’t like the looks of this…


The ground beneath them begins to tremble and crack. Something massive and yellow can be seen rising up…


MATT
(cont.)
Everyone hold on to something!

IRONYUPPIE
Like what, moron?


The four of them begin to slide down the mound, rolling and tumbling. Guns and sacks of unobtanium go flying. They come to rest at the bottom of the mound. Above them looms a massive creature, similar in appearance to the others, but nearly twenty feet wide. A cheap-looking tin crown perches incongruously atop its head. This is KING AT-AR-EE. He begins to speak in a deep, booming voice.


KING AT-AR-EE
FOOLISH HUMANS! HOW DARE YOU INVADE
THE SACRED CHAMBERS OF THE PACC-MENH! I
AM KING AT-AR-EE – BOW BEFORE ME!

G.BONE
(whispering)
Hey, that’s got a nice beat – At-ar-ee, bow to me!

IRONYUPPIE
(elbowing G.BONE in the ribs)
Quiet, poi boy!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(humbly)
We meant no harm, Your Majesty.
Our ship needed fuel, and we—

KING AT-AR-EE
(scornfully)
YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT!
YOU’RE THE THIRD GROUP OF THIEVES
WE’VE HAD TO DEVOUR IN THE LAST MONTH!
YOU’D THINK ONE OF YOU COULD
AT LEAST COME UP WITH A PLAUSIBLE EXCUSE!
COME ON PEOPLE! THIS ISN’T A DRAKA TIMELINE!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh…

MATT
(trying unsuccessfully not to laugh)
Did—did you say… ‘Pac-Men’?
Hahhaaa… HAHAHAHAHA!

KING AT-AR-EE
YOU DARE TO MOCK MY PEOPLE?
YOU DARE?!?

IRONYUPPIE
(horrified)
What are you doing, Matt?

MATT
(shaking with laughter)
I’m s—sorry! I can’t help it!
Pac-man!
Hahahahahaha!

KING AT-AR-EE
KILL THEM, MY WARRIORS!
KILL THOSE WHO WOULD DEFILE THE REALM OF THE PACC-MENH!


Still laughing uncontrollably, MATT begins to fire his weapon as the PACC-MENH start to swarm towards them.
KING AT-AR-EE laughs maniacally above.

Suddenly, IRONYUPPIE’S wrist-com squawks into life.


GREY WOLF
(from wrist-com)
What were you…
I was…
What was I going to say?

G.BONE
The King rising to the surface
must’ve caused a fissure wide
enough for a signal to get through!
Yes!

IRONYUPPIE
(looking directly into the camera and winking)
Isn’t that convenient?
Grey Wolf! I’ve never been more glad
to hear your incoherent rambling!

GREY WOLF
I think I’ve been insulted.
Have I been insulted?
Hmm…
You said…
(long pause)
What?

IRONYUPPIE
PAY ATTENTION!!!

GREY WOLF
(animatedly)
Oh, of course!
What can I do for you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(shouting while using a large rock as an improvised weapon)
Deus ex machina! Deus ex machina!

IRONYUPPIE
Did you hear that, Wolf?
We need a Deus ex machina, PRONTO!

GREY WOLF
I’m on it!


As the four humans fight desperately for their lives, we here a ‘pop!’ sound and in the midst of the PACC-MENH, LANDSHARK and OTHNIEL suddenly appear.


LANDSHARK
(shrieking)
IRONYUPPIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

OTHNIEL
But… nothing’s happened to her yet, Landshark.

LANDSHARK
That’s not the point!
I saw a chance to be dramatic,
and by God I took it!

IRONYUPPIE
(looking a bit concerned)
Oh Shaaaaaarkie… A little help, please?
God, I wish I had my yoyo…

LANDSHARK
Right. You ready, Othniel?

OTHNIEL
Sure am.


LANDSHARK picks up OTHNIEL by handles sewn into his collar and belt. OTHNIEL stiffens, his arms by his sides. Suddenly, the entire top half of his head hinges back.


LANDSHARK
(aiming Othniel like a weapon)
Get ready to eat hosannas, dirtbags!


A pause, then,


LANDSHARK
You guys might want to turn on your heathenoflage units.


IRONYUPPIE, MATT, G.BONE, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN hastily comply. When the small heathenoflage units at their belts are activated, the four AH.COMMERS seem to shimmer momentarily, and when the shimmer dies away, they are dressed in ties, slacks, and white shirts, each carrying a Bible in a shoulder holster.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why do these damn things always
make us look like Mormon missionaries?

LANDSHARK
Okay, one more time:
GET READY TO EAT HOSANNAS, DIRTBAGS!

LANDSHARK presses a button set into the back of OTHNIEL’S neck. A blue spark can be seen deep in his throat, and an unearthly choir of voices, thousands upon thousands of them, issues from OTHNIEL’S gaping mouth.

We see pale spectral forms rush from OTHNIEL’S mouth and, shrieking with ethereal beauty, swarm around the PACC-MENH. The AH.COMMERS, protected by their heathenoflage units, watch in awe as the PACC-MENH wail and die, some melting like hot wax, others exploding, still others evaporating like steam. The whole time, the HOSANNAS keep up their unearthly chorus. KING AT-AR-EE explodes with a horrendous bang, showering the AH.COMMERS with warm, yellow bits of flesh.

The battle is over. The AH.COMMERS, heathenoflage turned off, now lean tiredly against the dirt mound, smoking cigarettes and wiping the dirt and blood away from their faces.

LANDSHARK is busily calibrating OTHNIEL’S head. As he turns a socket wrench, the top of OTHNIEL’S head slowly ratchets back down until his appearance is normal once more. (Or, as normal as he appearance ever is.)

MATT
Thank God it’s over.

G.BONE
(shuddering)
I may never play a video game again.

IRONYUPPIE
(standing wearily)
Well, let’s get back to the shuttle.

G.BONE
Why don’t we just have Grey Wolf beam us up?

LANDSHARK
(hovering at IRONYUPPIE’S side)
The only one beaming her is gonna be ME!

General laughter.

G.BONE
I don’t get it…

More laughter.

The camera slowly pulls back from the group as they exit the chamber. There is silence for e moment, then we hear a small growl, more of a mewl really, and we see a small, spherical shadow on the wall…

The bay is huge, stretching off into the distance, and is filled with giant racks upon which are cargo crates of various shapes and sizes. As we watch, GBW and G.BONE come in, lower the unconscious OTHNIEL into a crate, and then begin nailing it up, sighing and bitching in a put-upon way.

GBW
I don’t see why we have to carry this reference
all the way through to the end.

G.BONE
(leaning on his crowbar)
You’ve got to have some rules.

GBW
I suppose so.

OTHNIEL
(beating on the crate from inside)
Let me out!
Dammit, I hope we recruit another crewman to be
designated butt monkey soon…


Ignoring him, GBW and G.BONE hoist the crate up and lower it into place amid all the others. As they do so, GBW steps around the corner and notices DIAMOND there, bent over a workbench and fiddling with a pair of glasses, screwing the frames together as he looks through a huge lens to magnify them.


GBW
Hey, what are you up to? You missed all the fun!

G.BONE
(gives him dirty look)
Oh, it’s all fun for you lot staying behind on the ship…
You weren’t nearly eaten by a bad 1983 arcade game port!

DIAMOND
Oh, hey guys.
Sorry, must have got absorbed in doing these new frames for Thande.
(holds up glasses)
Needed to be damn precise though – I had to borrow this big lens,
none of my usual ones were good enough.

G.BONE
(looks at lens)
Wait a minute…I recognise that…it’s the focusing lens
from the Transshift Accelerator Drive injection assembly!
(pause)
The one that needs to be in place for the fuel gauge to work properly!
(suddenly angry)
The one that makes it read as ‘empty’ if it’s not in place!

DIAMOND
Oh, is it?
(shrugs)
Ah well, no harm done, eh?


G.BONE leaps on top of DIAMOND and attempts to disembowel him, while GBW tries to pull them apart.

TORQUMADA is busily patching up the various injuries of the AH.COMMERS. DOCTOR WHAT is standing nearby, smiling benignly, while DAVE HOWERY ogles a chunk of unobtanium.

DAVE HOWERY
Wow. To think, all this fuss about a little chunk of rock.


PSYCHOMELTDOWN throws a large piece of lab equipment at DAVE HOWERY, which he adroitly ducks.


TORQUMADA
Hey! Don’t throw that!
Do you have any idea how hard
it’ll be to replace something
in here if the union finds out
how rough you people are on things?

DOCTOR WHAT
(pulling absently at the blue tutu, which he is now wearing over the gold bellbottoms)
Good job, guys! With the Transshift Accelerator Drive
back up and running, we’ll be able to… uh…
Well good job anyway!

TORQUMADA
All right, I’m done with everyone except…
anyone seen IRONYUPPIE?

MATT
I think I heard her say something about
meeting Shark in the galley – something
about chocolate pudding, a bag of rice, and Tabasco sauce…

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking up)
Leo, locate Yuppie and Shark, would you?

LEO CAESISUS
(v/o, from speaker)
Of course, captain.


A hologram forms in the middle of Sick Bay, showing LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE doing something unspeakable to a frozen turkey.


IRONYUPPIE
(giggling)
Ooooh! That tickles, Sharkie!


Pan across the faces of the gathered crew.

Deep and profound silence.

Then everyone in the Med Bay begins screaming in horror.


EVERYONE
THE FORKS! THE FORKS!!!
WHERE’S THE FORKS?!!!

Camera slowly pans over walls of tavern. A neon sign that flashes TRY OUR MOLSON GREEN can be seen behind the bartender as he serves a customer. The wall behind him contains an assortment of strangely shaped bottles. Many of them seem to contain bright blue or green or red liquids.

Camera continues to pan over to a payphone. We see DOCTOR WHAT is on the phone speaking to someone

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah…uh-huh…
I see….that’s great!….
mmm-mmm….ok….ok then….
so–it’s a date! Great!
I’m really looking forward to seeing you!
I’ve heard a lot about you-uh-_

Quickly DOCTOR WHAT glances on the wall next to the telephone and rapidly trails his index finger over the graffiti written on it. His finger stops at one spot. He taps the spot and turns back to the telephone.

DOCTOR WHAT
(CONT.)
–Lisa…._
(Hangs up phone)

WEAPON M and MATT walk up behind DOCTOR WHAT

WEAPON M
Come on. Our work here is done.
We’re leaving for the next timeline.

DOCTOR WHAT
What? Are you nuts?!
I just got myself a date!

WEAPON M and MATT exchange a glance

MATT
Uh–Doc?
Remember the last date you had?_

Blank look from DOCTOR WHAT

MATT
Angela? From Timeline 23557?_

WEAPON M
Who turned out to be a 50 year old
transgendered midget dominantrix.

DOCTOR WHAT
(defensively)
Looks aren’t everything

MATT
She was the high priestess of an
Aztec snake god religion

DOCTOR WHAT
I have no problem with other people’s religions…

WEAPON M
There was 168 headless corpses
buried in her basement

DOCTOR WHAT
Someone else could have put those there—

MATT
She was one sacrifice away
from summoning an avatar
of the snake god and planning
to use it to destroy New Orleans…

DOCTOR WHAT
It was simply a minor cultural faux-pas…

WEAPON M
She had you strapped down naked
on an altar and was about to
cut out your heart when we showed up…

DOCTOR WHAT
uh….

WEAPON M
Come on.
we gotta get to the
teleporter coordinates right away.

The three of them walk towards exit of tavern. DOCTOR WHAT is muttering quietly to himself

DOCTOR WHAT
…at least I got dinner out of the deal….
Pause.

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“IN DA GADDA DE VITA THROUGH A CRACKED DARK MIRROR”

Written By: Doctor What

Open in Deep Space, nothing but blackness. Pan down to see Earth. Suddenly we see a huge swirling red vortex and out of it shoots a familiar looking vessel. We can see the writing of Ah.com along its hull before it passes by. Pan close, moving along hull of the vessel, pass port holes, pass blinking lights and hatches, and then into a huge amazingly clear window into…

A huge globe is floating in the center of the room. Several figures sit around a conference table beneath it. We see: DR.WHAT, GREY WOLF, LANDSHARK, KIT, ABDUL HADI PASHA , WEAPON M and MATT.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes! Here we are!

LANDSHARK
(yawns)
Yeah–like… whatever.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking irritably at him)
Come on–I have a good feeling about this one!

LANDSHARK
You had a
(making quote marks with fingers)
“good feeling” about the last one!
(beat)
I still have the rash!

KIT
(grinning)
I offered to kiss it and make it better–

LANDSHARK
No!

DOCTOR WHAT
(consulting watch)
(sotto voce)
9.2 seconds…hmmm….that’s a new record for him…
(looks up and raising voice to normal levels)
Leo! What have you got for us?

LEO CAESIUS
I would like everyone to know that
scans of the planet below have
yielded some interesting results.

DOCTOR WHAT
(stroking well-groomed goatee in a thoughtful manner)
Such as?

LEO CAESIUS
Quite fascinating really.
Population approximately 4 billion humans.
No evidence of any major conflicts occurring.
Radiation and chemical pollutants in
the atmosphere virtually non-existent.
Surprisingly high standard of living in most regions.
Tech level at late 20th century.
Very high tolerance for cultural and ethnic diversity.
The main political philosophy seems to
be a form of liberatarism. Preliminary indications
give a Utopia rating of 7.4 out of a possible 10…

Many of those gathered raise an eyebrow in surprise or exchange a quick glance at each other at all this.

LEO CAESIUS
(continues)
Hmmm….interesting…
it seems that the primary method of air travel is..
(suddenly trails off into silence)

Long uncomfortable pause as everyone waits for LEO to finish. Slow dawning realization when they realize that LEO has stopped talking. Nervous and confused glances are exchanged among themselves.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hesitantly)
Uh–Leo–you were saying….?

LEO CAESIUS
(very quickly)
Uh–never mind that. Look at this!
They managed to green the Sahara Desert!
Daffodils! Daffodils as far as the eye can see!
I can bring up some pretty pictures if you like…

Holographic Earth image is replaced by a close-up view of the Sahara Desert–covered in a sea of yellow.

KIT
Hey–it is really pretty….

LANDSHARK
Who cares about some damn silly flowers!
Leo–finish what you were going to say already!

LEO CAESIUS
Are you sure you don’t want to see
some more pictures of the flowers?
I’ve got tons of photos–

DOCTOR WHAT
(low voice–aside to LANDSHARK)
What the hell is wrong with him?

LANDSHARK
(shrugging)
Beats the hell out of me–
maybe that big brain of his finally exploded…

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Can you please finish your original sentence?

LEO CAESIUS
Very well. Obviously some of you
people don’t appreciate the subtle
aesthetics of the harmony that occurs
when form and color combine in the
perfect marriage of practicality and ambiance…
(deep electronic sigh)
Very well. The primary mode of air travel
on this world appears to be–
(incoherent mumbling)

LANDSHARK
(almost at the end of his patience)
Leo! Out with it!

LEO CAESIUS
(even deeper electronic sigh)
Airships.
(pause)
The primary mode of travel
on this world are airships. Multiple varieties.
Big ones. Small ones. Cargo airships.
Passenger airships. A huge assortment of models to choose from.
(pause)
There appears to be even a personal version available…

Long pause as everyone takes a moment to process this.

Mass confusion as everyone jumps out of their chairs and runs towards the exit.

ABDUL HADI PASHA, LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF are lodged together in the doorway as each tried to go out at the same time. A jumble of arms and legs are all that can be seen clearly. WEAPON M strides purposely forward and rams through the blockage, throwing bodies everywhere. Painful groans are heard as the three slowly get up and stagger down the hallway. The only person left is DOCTOR WHAT, who is sitting at the table slowly pounding his forehead onto the tabletop.

DOCTOR WHAT
(saying it almost like a mantra,
punctuating each word with a thump)
….stupid…..stupid…..stupid…..stupid….

LEO CAESIUS
(hesitantly)
Uh-Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
(stops pounding his head)
What?

LEO CAESIUS
My programming forces me to share
with the crew any relevant information…
(sotto voce)
…no matter how tangentially the relevance may be…
(normal voice)
…that I may discover.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
Uh–and…?

LEO CAESIUS
I have been monitoring this planet’s radio
communications and it seems that there’s an…
(hesitantly–almost as if he’s not sure of the right terminology)
… actor?….an actor in OTL that never became one here but became a singer instead.
He has three songs in the current top 40 apparently…

DOCTOR WHAT
Who?

LEO CAESIUS
William Shatner.

Long pause as DOCTOR WHAT ponders this statement. He leaps up from table and runs out of the bridge. The words “waaaaaaaaaaiiiiiit foooooooooor meeeeeeeeeeee” can be heard trailing off into the distance.

Leo gives an extremely deep and profound electronic sigh. It’s a sigh that’s so long and so deep and so sad that it somehow encompasses the whole of the human condition and gives us the viewers a whole new insight into what it is like to work with humans

LEO CAESIUS
(beat)
Wankers.

We open in Deep Space, nothing but blackness. Pan down to see the Moon. Suddenly we see a huge swirling blue vortex and out of it shoots a familiar looking vessel.

Familiar…and yet…. different.

It’s black, for starters. Pitch black. It’s also sleeker…longer…almost militaristic looking. There’s a subtle yet definite aura of menace to the ship. The words AH.COM (written in capital letters and in dark red letters) can be seen as we glide alongside it.
Pan close, moving along hull of the vessel, pass port holes, pass blinking lights and hatches, and then into a huge amazingly clear window into…

A huge globe is floating in the center of the room. Several figures sit around a conference table beneath it. Their faces are shrouded in shadows, as the only source of light comes from various red lights from the electronic equipment in the room.

FIGURE AT HEAD OF TABLE
(very familiar voice)
Leo! What do your scans indicate?

LEO CAESIUS
(sounding like ‘our’ Leo, only with a British accent.
He sounds remarkably like Jeremy Irons)
Population approximately 4 billion humans.
No evidence of any major conflicts occurring….

A figure seated at the table shifts forward in his seat into the light coming from the hologlobe. We see that it’s MATT–but he looks different. He has a goatee, for starters. His hair is long and unkempt. He also has a deep scar that starts from the right side of his mouth that curves up and ends near his ear. When he smiles–which he does now–it gives his face a sneering expression.

MATT
(sneering)
…yet….

LEO CAESIUS
…Radiation and chemical pollutants
in the atmosphere virtually non-existent….

Another figure edges closer into the light. We see that it’s THANDE. He too, has a goatee. He also has a severe chemical burn on the left side of his face. Only a few clumps of hair remain on his head.

THANDE
(sneering)
…so clean…so pure…
(beat)
….for now…

LEO CAESIUS
…Surprisingly high standard of living
in most regions. Tech level at late 20th century.
Very high tolerance for cultural and ethnic diversity…

Another figure shifts into the light. It’s KIT. He too has a goatee. His hair is also closely cropped–almost like a military crewcut. He’s also wearing skintight black leather bondage gear. He has a large grin on his face–when he smiles, we notice that all the teeth in his mouth have been sharpened to a fine point.

KIT
(sneering)
Oh. Goodie. I so like tolerance.
(Beat)
Not!

LEO CAESIUS
…The main political philosophy
seems to be a form of liberatarism…..

Another figure shifts forward into the light. We see that it’s WEAPON M. He’s has–yup–a goatee. He’s also completely bald. There’s a large tattoo of a rattlesnake curled around his right ear. He has a eye patch over his left eye.

WEAPON M
(sneering)
Freedom? I know not this foreign word…

LEO CAESIUS
… Preliminary indications give a
Utopia rating of 7.4 out of a possible 10…

Figure at head of table leans forward. We see that it is DOCTOR WHAT. He does NOT have a goatee but in all other respects looks exactly like his counterpart.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sneering, of course)
…but not for long, right guys?….

All the figures nod their heads vigorously.

LEO CAESIUS
Shall we all laugh maniacally?

DOCTOR WHAT
An excellent idea, Leo…

ALL
MWHA-HAAAHAAHAHAAAHAAHAAAHA-HAAHAAHAA!

Camera pans down slowly over a city that is both familiar and unfamiliar. Many of the more famous landmarks are there but this is a New York City that is different. It can best be described as New York City of the year 2000 as imagined by someone from 1935. There are soaring sleek towers crisscrossed with connecting pedestrian walkways. The style of many of the buildings are of an Art Deco style with a fusion of modern techniques. Sleek -almost bullet shaped– trains and buses carry teeming masses to and fro. And, of course, airships of virtually every size, shape and color can be seen.
The camera stops panning and –slowly at first but quickly picking up speed– begins to zoom down into the heart of the city. We zoom down onto a group of individuals. We get an extreme close-up of the individuals and see that it is the AH.COM crew that we all know and love–er–that we all know….

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(staring awestruck at one large airship slowly flying overhead)
So long….

KIT
(also staring upwards)
So big…

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(turning to grin at KIT)
So rigid…

KIT
(grinning at ABDUL HADI PASHA)
So thick…

WEAPON M and MATT glance at one another and slowly edge away from the two of them.

DOCTOR WHAT
(completely clueless about the double entendres happening behind him)
That really is an amazing looking airship.
(consulting a tour-guide book)
Hey! There’s the Waldorf Hotel about ten blocks away that way!
(Points up the street)

MATT
What are we going to do for money?

DOCTOR WHAT
(pulls out a pocketful of tacky looking jewelry)
And you guys made fun of me when
I entered that contest and came in
third place in that Miss C.S.A. pageant….
(beat – contemplatively)
I should have won first place!
I shaved my legs and everything!

MATT and WEAPON M exchange a glance and edge away from DOCTOR WHAT

Camera pans down to show a group of the familiar-and yet-unfamiliar- looking individuals. They are the Mirror version of our clueless and intrepid heroes that we were introduced to before. A small shuttlecraft can be seen in the background being covered up by some branches and underbrush by several other MIRROR crew.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
We need transport around the city

Camera pans to another person looking about it. It’s the Mirror Landshark, wearing a -yes- goatee and a long black leather coat and dark Matrix-like sunglasses. He also has a large Anarchy symbol tattoo on his left cheek

MIRROR LANDSHARK
Leave that to me!

A police car pulls up. A young and effeminate looking rookie cop comes out of it. His nametag says “Jerry Mathers”

JERRY MATHERS
(waving in a friendly manner)
Hello there folks!
You’ve got a bit of trouble?

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(speaking to Mirror Landshark)
Remember–subtlety….

MIRROR LANDSHARK
Right-o!
(Pulls out taser gun—zaps cop)

Cop falls down. MIRROR LANDSHARK runs over and whacks the unconscious cop with a cricket bat a few times for good measure.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(raising an eyebrow quizzically)
Subtle?

MIRROR LANDSHARK
Hey! He’s alive, he’s still twitching and
still has use of all of his limbs.
Plus his vehicle is in one piece!
I am the very epitome of subtleness!

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding his head in agreement)
Can’t argue with that logic….

All of the MIRROR crew pile into the police car. MIRROR LANDSHARK is in the driver’s seat.

MIRROR LANDSHARK
Where to?

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
We are in New York City.
We need a nice hotel. Where else will we go?
(beat)
The Waldorf, of course….
They drive off.

Ostentatious and yet sublime–the Waldorf Lobby practically screams high class. There’s an incredible amount of marble and wood and other precious materials in view. Numerous pieces of art and sculptures are scattered about. The requisite snooty hotel crew can be seen scurrying around. One gets the distinct impression that even just breathing the air of the place will cost a day’s salary.

DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, ABDUL HADI PASHA, WEAPON M, MATT, LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF stroll into the lobby. They blink in confusion at the overwhelming poshness of the place but quickly compose themselves and walk towards the counter.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hello my good man
–seven of your rooms please!

SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
(glancing at DOCTOR WHAT)
Are you…
(glances at the rest of the ah.comers)
…gentlemen?…
(stoically carries on)
…quite sure you are in the right location?

GREY WOLF
Listen you!

SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
Yes?

GREY WOLF
(long pause)
Er…I forgot what I was going to say…

LANDSHARK
Listen you arrogant snot-nosed philistine!
We want rooms! And we want them now!

SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
(sighing deeply)
Very well then–and how would you be paying?

DOCTOR WHAT throws down a wad of brightly colored bills on the counter.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
Cash!

SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
(raising eyebrows in surprise)
Of course, sir! Garcon!

A BELLHOP comes rushing over and picks up assorted bags

SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
(handing over some keys)
I’m afraid that we have only double rooms available–will four rooms suffice?

A quick confab occurs–most aren’t too crazy about doubling up (with the exception of ABDUL HADI PASHA and KIT) but they figure they can put up with this for a few days.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay-dokey! Lead the way, garcon!

They walk off, following the bellhop.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT, MIRROR LANDSHARK, MIRROR THANDE, MIRROR KIT, MIRROR WEAPON M, and MIRROR MATT come in looking like they own the place.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Right. We need some rooms.

MIRROR WEAPON M
Leave that to me.

MIRROR WEAPON M strolls over to hotel counter. DIFFERENT SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE glances up.

DIFFERENT SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
Hey! You! What do you-

MIRROR WEAPON M grabs hold of D. SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE around neck and brings him close to his face.

MIRROR WEAPON M
Rooms! Now!

D. SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE
(barely able to breathe but still relentlessly determined to do his job)
Urk–pay-pay–payment?…

MIRROR WEAPON M
(raising eyebrows in surprise)
(saying word the same way that you would say a foreign word the first time you hear it)
Pay-ment?
(Blinks eyes)
You actually want us to… pay?

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head)
I like this guy!
He’s either completely insane or a complete asshole!
(Beat)
He’ll fit in well among us….
(turning to KIT)
Pay the man!

KIT reaches into his messenger bag and pulls out a fistful of diamond rings–some of which still have fingers attached– and drops them onto counter.

D. SNOTTY HOTEL EMPLOYEE stares in disbelief at the pile in front of him. He slowly hands over four keys to the MIRROR Gang. They stroll off, following a bellhop.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT and MIRROR LANDSHARK walk into room and glance around. The room is absolutely magnificent. Bellhop stands by as they admire the view. MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT notices the bellhop waiting expectantly for his tip.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Oh dear–where are my manners?
Landshark–can you take care of the young man?

MIRROR LANDSHARK walks over to the bellhop, smacks him over the head with a large club that he pulled out of his coat and carries the stunned bellhop to a window. With a practiced flick of his wrist, he opens the window with one hand and throws bellhop out the window with his other hand. A scream can be heard trailing off into the distance, followed by a loud splash. MIRROR LANDSHARK raises an eyebrow in confused annoyance and looks out the window.

MIRROR LANDSHARK
Fuck! He landed in the pool!

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging)
Meh–better luck next time…

We see an EMPLOYEE painting the wall with blue paint. Coming down the corridor is DOCTOR WHAT, carrying an ice bucket and humming (very badly) “Light My Fire”. EMPLOYEE reaches over with his brush to put into the bucket just as DOCTOR WHAT passes by–hitting him full on the face with the paintbrush. DOCTOR WHAT screams and drops the ice bucket as the EMPLOYEE frantically and apologetically tries to clean him up….

LANDSHARK and KIT are sitting at a table drinking some tea. DOCTOR WHAT storms into room. He still has traces of blue paint all over his face and goatee. He doesn’t look very happy.

LANDSHARK
Oy! What the hell happened to you?

KIT
Yeah! You look like you just gave a blowjob to a Smurf!
(Ponders this image for a moment
–slowly develops a huge grin at the thought)

LANDSHARK edges away from KIT

DOCTOR WHAT
(barely able to contain his anger–each word is practically spit out)
Paint. On. Face. Going. To. Wash. Face.
(Walks into bathroom-shutting door behind him)

KIT
Well!

There are soggy towels and half-used soap bars scattered about. DOCTOR WHAT is looking at his face in the mirror. There are still traces of bright blue paint still stuck on his goatee.

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering beneath his breath)
What the hell do these guys put in their paint?
(looks at himself in the mirror again)
(deep sigh)
Guess I’m going to have to shave it off…

DOCTOR WHAT rummages around the drawers and finds a shaving kit and proceeds to get to work on his goatee

There are two elevators at the far end of the corridor, number one being on the camera’s left. A side corridor branches off on either side. There are four doors on each side of the corridor. On the camera’s left, starting at the door nearest the camera, are 1, 3, 5, and 7. On the camera’s right, starting at the door nearest the camera, are doors 2, 4, 6, and 8. There are various small tables or shelves between each door holding plants and vases and so forth. DOCTOR WHAT comes out of room 7, self-consciously rubbing his clean-shaven face. There’s a few small pieces of toilet paper stuck to various nicks on his face. He walks towards the elevators. Elevator number one opens. DOCTOR WHAT goes into it.

Just as the doors close, elevator two opens, revealing MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT. He’s carrying a large (and half-empty) bottle of scotch. He takes a generous gulp from the bottle and walks into room 8. Coming around the corner of the left-hand side corridor is MIRROR KIT (still in his black leather bondage gear) . He walks over to room 2 and reaches for his hotel key. He’s having a bit of trouble getting his key out of his pocket. Elevator number one opens and we see KIT coming out. He goes to room 5 and spots MIRROR KIT, who has his back to him. He takes a long admiring look at MIRROR KIT’s behind. MIRROR KIT finally gets his key out and walks into his room. KIT smiles and shakes his head and goes into room 5.

LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF come out of room 1 and go to the elevators. Their backs are to us as they wait for the elevator. MIRROR LANDSHARK comes out of room 4 and starts to walk to the elevators. He stops, smacks his forehead with the palm of his hand and goes back into his room. Elevator number one opens to reveal DOCTOR WHAT, now carrying an ice bucket. He waves at LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF as they pass each other. LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF go into the elevator. DOCTOR WHAT goes to room 7 as elevator doors close. Just as DOCTOR WHAT is about to open his hotel room, he spots on the wall a Van Gogh-ish painting. He stares at it for a moment, self-consciously stroking his (now non-existent) goatee. MIRROR LANDSHARK comes out of room 4, holding a taser gun that he then puts into his pocket. He spots DOCTOR WHAT staring at the painting and gives him a quick pat on the back as he keeps walking down the corridor.

DOCTOR WHAT turns in surprise to see the back of MIRROR LANDSHARK turn the corner and go down the right-hand side corridor. DOCTOR WHAT stares in confusion at this for a few seconds, then shrugs his shoulders and goes into his room. MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT comes out of room 8 carrying a now-empty scotch bottle. He non-chalently puts the empty bottle on a small shelf next to his room and walks to the elevators. Elevator number two opens and he walks in. Elevator number one opens to reveal ABDUL HADI PASHA, WEAPON M and MATT. ABDUL knocks on room 5 and is greeted by KIT, who lets him into the room. WEAPON M and MATT go into room 3 and shut the door behind them. MIRROR WEAPON M and MIRROR MATT come out of room 6 and go to the elevators. Elevator number two opens to reveal MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT, now holding a full bottle of scotch. He waves at the two of them and goes into room 8 as MIRROR WEAPON M and MIRROR MATT go into elevator two.

MIRROR THANDE comes out of room 4, reading a newspaper. He goes to elevators. He’s holding the paper in front of him and is absolutely engrossed in one article. Elevator number one opens to reveal LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF. Still holding the paper in front of his face, MIRROR THANDE passes by LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF without either one of them seeing him. LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF walk into room 1. MIRROR LANDSHARK comes around from the right hand corridor and walks into room 4. MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT comes out of room 8 carrying a half-empty bottle of scotch and goes to the elevators. Elevator one opens and he goes in.

Just as the elevator doors shut, DOCTOR WHAT comes out of room 7 and walks towards the elevators. An attractive looking redhead female wearing a short skirt walks out from the right hand side corridor, stops and bends over to adjust her shoe. DOCTOR WHAT turns his back to the elevators and stares appreciatively at this sight and fails to notice elevator one opening. MIRROR WEAPON M and MIRROR MATT come out of the elevator and see the female bending over and give an appreciative smile and nod and walk towards their room. DOCTOR WHAT turns and spots elevator one doors just about to close and rushes in, just barely making it through before the doors close. MIRROR WEAPON M and MIRROR MATT go into room 6.

LANDSHARK comes out of room 1 just as MIRROR LANDSHARK come out of room 4. They spot each other. Long pause as they stare at each other in astonishment. MIRROR LANDSHARK is the first to react and leaps at LANDSHARK, tackling him and knocking him backwards back into room 1. Various sounds of fighting can be heard from the room. MIRROR LANDSHARK comes out backwards from room 1. Both LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF are wrestling with him and all three of them smash into room 4, knocking it open and falling through it. WEAPON M and MATT open room 3 at the same time that MIRROR WEAPON M and MIRROR MATT open room 6. All four of them stare at each other for a moment in complete astonishment and confusion.
The MIRROR versions are the first to react, each pulling out a big handgun. WEAPON M and MATT instinctively react and try to knock the guns out of their counterpart’s hands with some karate-like moves. Both guns get knocked out and the four of them go at each other in hand to hand combat, each fighting with their counterparts. The two WEAPON M’s stumble into room 3 while the two MATT’s wrestle each other through room 6. KIT and ABDUL open room 5 at the same moment that MIRROR KIT opens room 2. They stare at each other in astonishment for a moment. MIRROR KIT is the first to react by smiling broadly (showing all of his sharp teeth) and tackling KIT and ABDUL and knocking them into room 5.

GREY WOLF, LANDSHARK and MIRROR LANDSHARK stumble out of room 4 and collapse in a heap on the floor. MIRROR LANDSHARK gets up and rushes towards the elevator. LANDSHARK gets up. He spots the empty bottle of scotch on a shelf, picks it up and throws it at the receding MIRROR LANDSHARK. MIRROR LANDSHARK suddenly turns and runs down the right hand side corridor at the precise moment that elevator two opens to show MIRROR DR.WHAT walking out, holding a nearly empty bottle of scotch. The empty scotch bottle thrown by LANDSHARK hits MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT on the forehead, knocking him flat on his face, unconscious.

The still intact scotch bottle bounces on the floor. LANDSHARK rushes after the MIRROR LANDSHARK down the corridor while GREY WOLF rushes over to the unconscious MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT. The two WEAPON M’s stumble out of room 3 and are wrestling on the floor when the two MATT’s come out of room 6 and smash up against a wall. MIRROR MATT grabs a vase from a nearby shelf and hits MATT on the side of the head, knocking him unconscious. With a snarl, MIRROR MATT turns his attention on the two fighting WEAPON M’s. He grabs WEAPON M in a choke hold and pulls WEAPON M off of MIRROR WEAPON M. MIRROR WEAPON M slowly gets up and starts beating on WEAPON M with a vengeance. ABDUL, KIT and MIRROR KIT stumble out of room 5. MIRROR KIT is losing the fight but he’s biting both KIT and ABDUL, inflicting some serious cuts on the both of them. GREY WOLF spots the almost empty bottle of scotch that the MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT dropped and picks it up and rushes towards the aid of his companions. He wallops MIRROR KIT over the head with the bottle, knocking him stunned to the floor. ABDUL and KIT rush towards the aid of WEAPON M; KIT tackles MIRROR MATT while ABDUL tackles MIRROR WEAPON M.

WEAPON M slowly gets up off the ground and tries, with some difficulty, to stand up. LANDSHARK comes running around the right hand side corridor with a look of terror on his face. MIRROR LANDSHARK comes around the corner, carrying a BFG. He fires a shot that puts a two foot wide hole in a wall as LANDSHARK dives for cover. Everyone in the corridor does the same–all except WEAPON M, who grabs a vase from a shelf and throws it at MIRROR LANDSHARK. MIRROR LANDSHARK dives out of the way, firing another round from his BFG. This time WEAPON M dives for cover while everyone else still semi-conscious does the same. The BFG round puts a 2 foot hole in another wall, spraying debris and dust and smoke everywhere. The two elevator doors open, showing DOCTOR WHAT coming out of elevator two and MIRROR THANDE coming out of elevator one. They see each other just as the vase that WEAPON M threw hits DOCTOR WHAT in the head, knocking him backwards into the elevator, unconscious. MIRROR THANDE leaps into the elevator after DOCTOR WHAT. While keeping the door open with one hand, he pulls out a small metal sphere with his other hand and throws it down the corridor.

MIRROR THANDE
(screaming)
We are outta here!

MIRROR LANDSHARK fires another round from his BFG, causing assorted AH.COMers to dive, roll or jump through open doorways for cover. The MIRROR counterparts slowly get up and stagger or are dragged towards the elevators just as the metal sphere MIRROR THANDE threw starts releasing a noxious looking yellow smoke, quickly filling the entire corridor. The entire MIRROR gang pile into elevator two, carrying with them the unconscious DOCTOR WHAT. The camera pans over to the unconscious MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT, still face down on the floor.

DOCTOR WHAT is lying on a bed. Slowly he opens his eyes and tries to get up off the bed.

MIRROR TORQUMADA
Don’t move

DOCTOR WHAT looks up at MIRROR TORQUMADA for the first time. MIRROR TORQ has–what else? – a goatee. Nearly the entire left side of his face as been replaced by cybernetic parts. In addition, his right arm is also cybernetic in appearance–where his hand would be, there are an amalgamation of various medical looking instruments, including a rather obscenely large curved scalpel.

MIRROR TORQ stares at DOCTOR WHAT for a moment. A very wide red laser beam shoots out from his left cybernetic eye and scans up and down DOCTOR WHAT for a few seconds. MIRROR TORQ closes his (human) eye for a few seconds.

MIRROR TORQUMADA
(speaking very slowly, as if he is reading off a screen)
heart rate 68….b.p. 120/75…
recent subdural hematoma healing nicely…
indications of previous brain damage
caused by repeated blows to the head,
especially to the frontal lobe…

DOCTOR WHAT
(still staring in shock at MIRROR TORQ’s appearance)
Gaaaaaa-aaaah?

MIRROR TORQUMADA
I recommend that you rest
for a few more hours before
going to the bridge.

MIRROR TORQUMADA turns and leaves the Med Bay. DOCTOR WHAT just stares at him in disbelief as he departs. DOCTOR WHAT slowly gets off the bed and walks towards the Med Bay doors. He opens the door, peeks around the corner in both directions and, hesitantly, wanders off down a corridor.
—

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT is lying on a bed. Voices can be heard O.S.

LANDSHARK
God–do you have any idea how much trouble
we had getting back here?

MATT
Well–it would have gone faster
if a certain someone hadn’t forgotten
the keys to the shuttle back at the hotel….

LANDSHARK
(mockingly)
Well–excuuuuuse me for being a little pressed for time!
After all–it wasn’t like an entire hotel corridor
wasn’t completely trashed by psychopathic doubles
of ourselves who then opened up a canister of tear gas
that ended up hospitalizing over 50 other guests who then
called the cops on us, forcing us to rip off a taxicab and
have a running gun battle with 25 police cars all the way to the shuttle!
(screaming at this point)
Oh yeah–you didn’t know about all that cause you were unconscious
at the time and we had to haul your ass back too!

ABDUL HADI PASHA comes between the two of them.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
Knock it off the both of you! We’re back here in one piece! That’s all that counts, ok!

LANDSHARK and MATT calm down a bit and look slightly embarrassed. Very faint “He started it” “Did not” “Did too” can be heard from the two of them.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
TORQ, how is he?

TORQUMADA
Severe concussion to the head.
I fixed the subdural hematoma.
He should be ok but I recommend
him getting some more sleep for a few hours.

ABDUL nods his head and walks out of the Med Bay. LANDSHARK and MATT walk out behind him. Extremely faint “Did not” “Did too” can be heard from the two of them as they walk out.

TORQUMADA runs a few more scans on MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT and then goes off into the lab next door, closing the door behind him.

Close up: MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT’S face

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT opens his eyes. It’s obvious that he has been awake this whole time. He sits up on the bed. Stares at lab door that TORQ just left through. Looks around the Med Bay–spots a computer terminal on a desk. Smiles and slowly gets off the bed and walks towards the terminal. Hesitantly, he types in a few commands. The computer gives some acknowledging beeps. He smiles again and sits down, as he starts to read something of great interest on the screen.

DOCTOR WHAT is walking down a corridor. It’s obvious from his expression that he’s having trouble believing what he’s seeing. He stops suddenly when he hears voices coming from a nearby open doorway. Cautiously, he walks towards the doorway

An open doorway can be seen in the background. Seated at a table in the foreground are MIRROR THANDE, MIRROR MATT and MIRROR WEAPON M. They are talking amongst themselves. In the background, we see DOCTOR WHAT poke his head around the edge of the open doorway.

MIRROR THANDE
…-loroform is the way to go!

MIRROR MATT
Oh–you and your radioactive chloroform!
I say we go with nukes!

MIRROR WEAPON M
Nah! Guns is the way to go!
We find a few of the more crazier groups
and give them a whole shitload of BFGs!
And then we give their enemies the same!

Argument begins to ensue between the three of them.

DOCTOR WHAT listens to all this in shock. A hand suddenly clasps his right shoulder, causing DOCTOR WHAT to give a little yelp.

MIRROR KIT
(relieved happiness)
Hey Doc! You’re up!
Hey everyone–Doc’s awake!

A halfhearted “yay” is issured by the MIRROR crew. They go back to arguing.

MIRROR KIT
I really missed you!
(Smiles -showing all of his pointy teeth)

DOCTOR WHAT looks like he’s about to pass out.

Alarm begins to sound. Red flashing light appears on a nearby wall.

MIRROR LEO
(repeating over and over)
All crew to their posts!
All crew to their posts!

MIRROR KIT
(dragging DOCTOR WHAT)
Come on! The bridge!

DOCTOR WHAT is dragged down the corridor as various other MIRROR crew scurry about.
–

LANDSHARK, MATT, WEAPON M, ABDUL HADI PASHA, KIT and GREY WOLF are sitting at various stations. A pair of large fuzzy pink foam dice is hanging from the ceiling.

GREY WOLF
Leo–any luck in finding out where our counterparts came from?

LEO CAESIUS
Negative. Logically speaking,
it is reasonable to assume that they came
from another ship but scans continue
to show up empty. I really can’t explain it….

KIT
I’m sure you’re doing your best, Leo….

MATT
What I want to know is what do we do if and when we find them?

WEAPON M
Isn’t it obvious? We blow them up!

General sounds of agreement from everyone in the room, except for KIT and ABDUL, who just look at each other. ABDUL rolls his eyes theatrically.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT is still at the computer terminal, typing frantically. He stops with a smile and pulls out a small communicator from his pocket.
—

MIRROR LANDSHARK, MIRROR MATT, and MIRROR WEAPON M are running to various stations. A pair of large fuzzy purple foam dice is hanging from the ceiling. MIRROR KIT comes in, dragging a reluctant DOCTOR WHAT with him.

MIRROR KIT
What’s going on?

MIRROR LEO
I have detected another AH.COM ship in Earth’s orbit!

General ‘WTF?’ expressions from everyone in the room.

MIRROR LANDSHARK
The other us?–uh–them–uh-they?–uh–ah– fuck it….

MIRROR MATT
What are you waiting for, Leo? Blow them up!

MIRROR LEO
Impossible to do so–they have their defensive shields up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(relieved)
Oh–thank God!

Reaction shot from everyone as they stare at DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
(suddenly realizing that he spoke out loud)
Uh…um…I mean…thank God for that!….cause…cause…
(totally grasping for some kind of inspiration)
…cause…cause that… just gives me an opportunity to…to…to..
(inspiration hits)
-to try out my new Secret Weapon!
(inspiration really begins to flow)
Yes! My Super Secret Weapon that
I’ve been working secretly on all this time! At last!
(really getting into the flow)
Soon–the entire multiverse will tremble at the might of my…
(flow suddenly stops)
…of my…of my…er..
(hesitantly and very reluctantly)
A-tom-ic.. Cos-mic…. Pen-guins…?…

Entire MIRROR crew are staring at DOCTOR WHAT in disbelief.

DOCTOR WHAT
Er…
mwhahahahaha-hahahahaahaaha…?

MIRROR crew all smile and nod at one another. General cries of ‘That’s the Doc we know’, ‘He’s back!’, ‘Yea!’ and so forth can all be heard.
–

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT is still at the computer terminal. He types in a few more commands, nods his head and picks up the communicator.
–

MIRROR LEO
Just a moment…just a moment please…
I am receiving a transmission…from….DOCTOR WHAT?

Reaction shot from entire MIRROR crew as they stare at DOCTOR WHAT in confusion.

MIRROR LEO
Transmission coming in now….

This is DOCTOR WHAT.
I am calling you from the other ah.com ship.
I have successfully hacked into the main computer
and I will be able to disrupt most of their systems
in a just a few minutes. We will be able to capture the ship
and crew intact with a little bit of luck.
Please acknowledge.

Entire MIRROR crew stare in anger at DOCTOR WHAT, who just sheepishly grins back.

DOCTOR WHAT
uh…uh…look! Behind you!
(points finger at spot in the far corner of the room)
A naked Alyson Hannigan look-a-like! Bouncing on a trampoline!

All in the bridge turn to look–all except MIRROR KIT

DOCTOR WHAT
(realizing his goof)
uh….and a tall naked Italian guy! With green eyes!

MIRROR KIT
(turning to look)
(excitedly)
Where? Where?

DOCTOR WHAT runs out of the bridge. A few seconds later, the MIRROR crew give chase.
–

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT presses a button on terminal.

LEO CAESIUS’s main computer core looks like a giant mirrored ball. Suddenly, large blue sparks erupt along the surface of the core.

Lights and various computer systems start shutting down.

We see all the blinking lights and lit portholes suddenly go dark along the entire length of the ship.
–

We see DOCTOR WHAT running frantically down a corridor. He turns a corner and spots sign MAIN SHUTTLE BAY. Wheezing for breath, he heads towards the Bay.
–

It’s pitch dark. We hear confused shouting and screaming for a few seconds. When the crew speaks, we don’t actually see them (dark, remember?) –only hear them.

LANDSHARK
What the hell is happening?

GREY WOLF
Some kind of computer virus just knocked out Leo!

MATT
Don’t we have back-up systems?

GREY WOLF
We should! KIT! Help MATT! Station 4!

Sounds of running footsteps to a different part of the bridge.

KIT
What do I do?

MATT
There should be a lever near your right hand!

KIT
Right!

Sudden shriek of pain.

MATT
(high pitched voice)
That’s NOT a lever!

KIT
..sorry…
(sound of a lever being pulled)

Emergency lights turn on throughout the bridge.

LANDSHARK
Leo is still off-line!

GREY WOLF
Give it a few minutes!

LANDSHARK
Engineering Room! What’s happening down there?

DAVE HOWERY
(screaming)
Everything’s kaput!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(screaming)
The Shift Engines are becoming unstable!
We’re all going to die!

GBW
(contemplatively)
Hang on–if we bypass the quantum phase-modulator arrays
in the plasma conduits, thereby frequency-limiting the gravimetric fluctuations,
it could hopefully induce a soliton harmonic attenuation grid
over the triassic subresonance field, which would nullify
the antideuteron injector assembly’s Heisenberg destabilizers
and could potentially cause a cascading magneton collapse
in the ambivulent bivationary falvebarms, thereby giving us
a full system restart.

DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN stare open-mouthed at GBW.
Very long pause.

DAVE HOWERY
(to Psychomeltdown)
(sotto voce)
You think he’s bluffing?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(shrugs shoulders)
I don’t know.

DAVE HOWERY
Do it!

They do the…whatever….and lights turn on in Engineering.

We see all the blinking lights and lit portholes suddenly turn back on along the entire length of the ship.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT is fiddling around with a power conduit when the system goes back on–shocking him unconscious.

All the lights and equipment turn back on. Ah.com crew rush to their stations.

GREY WOLF
Hey! We’ve got a shuttle coming our way!
It looks like one of ours! It’s sending a distress signal!

LANDSHARK
What the hell? Bring it into the shuttlebay!
Everybody–grab weapons–
we’re going to meet that pilot!

Sitting on two chairs are the two DOCTOR WHATs. LANDSHARK, MATT, WEAPON M and KIT are all standing in front of them with weapons aimed at them. TORQ is running scan after scan over them.

TORQUMADA
There’s just no way to tell them apart!

MATT
There’s got to be a way!

LANDSHARK
I say we just shoot both of them.

MATT
We can’t do that! He’s our…uh…that is…
we need him for…uh…-well–we just can’t!

WEAPON M
There’s gotta be a way. Maybe we can quiz them?

TORQUMADA
Not going to work–I checked the computer–
someone accessed our log entries and
transmitted it to the other ship during all the confusion.
They know everything about us now.
The What who came on the shuttle
could have been the one who did that.

KIT
Or maybe the one we had here all along
is the fake one, like he said.

WEAPON M
That reminds me–Leo!
How come you weren’t able to spot
the other ship before now?

LEO CAESIUS
Well, the thing about a black ship –
it’s main distinguishing feature –
is it’s black. And the thing about space—
he color of space–your basic space color –
is it’s black. So how was I suppose to see them?

Ah.comers stare at one another in confusion.

LEO CAESIUS
Did I mention that several of my…
er…whatchamacallit?–logic circuits–got damaged.
My short-term memory has been erased.
This, I ascribe to the massive magnetic burst I received.
Secondly, due to the magnetic burst, my short term memory
appears to have been erased. This, combined with the
erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little
disoriented..Would you like a cookie?

LANDSHARK
We are going to die…..

MATT
I think he’s going to be okay in a few hours–
those backup circuits just need a bit of time to kick in, that’s all…

LANDSHARK
So what do we do about them?

WEAPON M
There has to be a way to tell them apart!

KIT
I think I know a way!

KIT has a hushed whisper with the other members as TORQ keeps a weapon trained on the two WHATs.. LANDSHARK, MATT and WEAPON M nod and with a very satisfied smirk on their faces take up positions around the two WHATs.with their weapons aimed at them.

KIT
(standing in front of the two DOCTOR WHATs)
I’m going to ask one question –
and I want the two of you to answer truthfully at the same time.
Ready?
(takes a deep breath)
Paris Hilton-babe or skank?

LEFTHAND DOCTOR WHAT
Skank!

RIGHTHAND DOCTOR WHAT
Uh-babe!

LANDSHARK, MATT and WEAPON M smile and nod at one another. They open fire with their BFGs at LEFTHAND DOCTOR WHAT, blowing him backwards out of the chair and on to the ground.

KIT
(smiling to other DOCTOR WHAT)
Welcome back!

SURVIVING DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at AH.commers with murder in his eyes)
(very long beat)
THAT was your big plan?
An entire life and death decision–on that question?

LANDSHARK
Hey–it worked didn’t it?

DOCTOR WHAT
(getting off of chair)
You are so going to–

MATT
Hey–where did he go?

They look at spot where MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT was. All there is now is a large pool of dried blood and some footsteps that lead out a side exit. TORQ runs some scans on the blood.

TORQUMADA
What the-nanobots?

DOCTOR WHAT
Nanobots? Oh please–that is so cliche…

LEO CAESIUS
Rude alert! Rude alert!
A shuttle is being stolen!
This is not a daffodil!
Repeat: This is not a daffodil!

LANDSHARK
(rolls eyes)
Well, thankfully Leo’s back to normal…

A shuttle flies away at high speed.

LANDSHARK, GREY WOLF, MATT, WEAPON M, KIT, ABDUL HADI PASHA and DOCTOR WHAT come rushing in and take up positions at various stations.

GREY WOLF
Hey! The other ship! It’s coming straight at us!

LANDSHARK
Are they nuts? We still have our defense system up!

MIRROR LANDSHARK, MIRROR WEAPON M, MIRROR MATT, MIRROR KIT and MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT are at various stations.

MIRROR LANDSHARK
This is nuts! They still have their defense system up!
We’re too evenly matched!

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Relax Sharkie–I have a plan
(pulls out communicator–pushes button)

CLOSE-UP of the power conduit that MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT was working on when he got shocked. A small device is attached to a wire. It explodes.

Lights and system shut off–again.

We see all the blinking lights and lit portholes suddenly go dark-again- along the entire length of the ship.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Launch missiles!

Four missiles are launched from ship and head directly towards helpless ah.com ship

DAVE HOWERY
GBW–do that–whatever it is you did last time!

GBW
I’m trying! It’s not working!

Four missiles are closing in rapidly.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We are going to die!

DAVE HOWERY
(frantically pulling levers and switches to no avail)
We’ve only got ten seconds until those missiles hit!

Two large hands grab HOWERY and push him aside. The hands belong to IRONYUPPIE, who is holding a very large sledgehammer in her hands.

DAVE HOWERY
Uh–Ironyuppie-I don’t think–

IRONYUPPIE swings her sledgehammer toward the power generator–

Four missiles are just about to hit the ah.com ship

–and the sledgehammer hits the generator with a deafening TWHACK–

Four missiles explode in a massive and spectacular explosion. As the fiery explosion slowly fades, we see the AH.com ship.
Unharmed.
And at full power.

DOCTOR WHAT
(stunned look)
Shit–we’re still alive?

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(stunned look)
Oh shit–they’re still alive!

AH.COM SHIP comes flying at full power at MIRROR AH.COM SHIP with all of its weapons and missiles firing. Some of the shots actually hit MIRROR AH.COM SHIP

MATT
(having the time of his life)
Eat particle beams, asshats!

MIRROR AH.COM SHIP is getting severely pounded by the AH.COM SHIP and decides to make a run for it. AH.COM SHIP is in hot pursuit

LEO CAESIUS
Incoming transmission from the other ship!

DOCTOR WHAT
Put it on!

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
We’ll meet again! We’ll have our revenge!
Mwhaaa-haaa-haaa—
(starts coughing uncontrollably)
Transmission ends.

Suddenly we see a huge swirling blue vortex open up in front of MIRROR AH.COM SHIP. It flies through and vortex quickly closes before the AH.COM SHIP can follow.

DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, WEAPON M, KIT, LANDSHARK, and GREY WOLF are seated around a large poker table playing, er, poker. There is a large thick soundproof glass window along one wall that shows the outside corridor.

DOCTOR WHAT
You know–this opens up fascinating possibilities.

MATT
(focusing on his cards)
Huh? What does?

DOCTOR WHAT
Our whole adventure.
Think about it! Those guys were
evil versions of ourselves!
Think what other weird variations
of ourselves could be out there?

LANDSHARK
How about one that plays cards?

While they talk, MICHAEL can be seen walking behind glass window from left to right. He stops in middle of screen. STRAHA comes running from right hand side, grabs MICHAEL and frantically gestures in direction he just came from and runs to left hand side of screen and off-screen. MICHAEL turns to stare at STRAHA, then turns back and faces right hand side. A look of sheer terror appears on MICHAEL’s face. A large multi-tentacled alien monster comes into view and grabs hold of MICHAEL.MICHAEL scratches frantically at glass window but none of the crew see or hear him. STRAHA, G.BONE and DMA appear from the left side of the screen. They attack the monster.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at LANDSHARK)
(contemplatively)
You know–I actually liked you with the goatee–
it added character

LANDSHARK
Forget it!
No way I’m wearing one of those things!
(Staring at DOCTOR WHAT)
Speaking of which–
don’t tell me you’re going to grow another goatee!

DOCTOR WHAT
(defensively)
And what’s wrong with growing a goatee?
I find that it adds–

LANDSHARK
(rolling his eyes)
–yeah-yeah–character.

Monster is now using MICHAEL as an improvised club and using him to beat up G.BONE, DMA and STRAHA. GBW and OTHNIEL come running in from the left hand side carrying weapons and start hacking at the monster. It looks like a pretty evenly matched fight.

LANDSHARK
(continuing)
All I know is that I’m glad that
things around here are back to normal!

THANDE comes in from the left hand side of the screen carrying a flamethrower….

ALL
You said it! –

A small hatch opens and we see KIT and LANDSHARK enter a cramped crawlway.

LANDSHARK
Don’t we have minions to do this
sort of monkey labor?

KIT
Those lazy fools? They’re always drunk or sleeping.

The two move to a darkened part of the crawlway. KIT opens a small bag and pull out a light bulb. LANDSHARK screws in the bulb. It flickers and then shines.

LANDSHARK
Ah. A job well done.

Suddenly the bulb flickers and then goes out with a faint pop. Moments later the whole crawlway is plunged into darkness.

Over black.

LANDSHARK
(Voice over)
This doesn’t bode well.
(a beat)
That had better be a torch, KIT…

KIT
(VO)
Is it big, and hard?

LANDSHARK
(VO)
Yes.

KIT
(VO)
(sighing)
Then it’s a torch.

LANDSHARK
One can dream…

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“BROKE DOWN AGAIN”

Written by : MICHAEL

A vortex appears, big and swirling. Moments later a ship exits from it.

Pull in on the ship. Camera holds while the ship crosses its view. Slow and majestic. The name of the ship clearly visible, AH.COM.

Cut to a camera showing the ship from behind. The AH.COM is moving toward the background, the engines clearly visible. The
engines are emitting a bright white light. They suddenly sputter, then stop, and then begin trailing smoke.

The crew is gathered, all looking a bit nervous and confused.

GREY WOLF
(confused)
What do you mean?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nervous)
The shift engine seems to have gone kaput…

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s impossible!

DAVE HOWERY
It just happened.

DOCTOR WHAT
But. That’s impossible!

GREY WOLF
Can it be fixed?

DAVE HOWERY
(nervously)
Someone…
(looks at Dr. What)
…sold all our spare parts…

DOCTOR WHAT
(defensively)
It was for the good of the ship!
Everyone enjoyed it…

DIAMOND
You mean the giant cake you jumped
out of for Grey Wolf’s birthday?
I kinda liked it…

KIT
Though he didn’t have to wear the
hula skirt and coconuts..

LANDSHARK
What was the reasoning behind that?

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him)
(to GBW)
What happened to the engines?
Can we still cross the Mulitverse?

GBW
Crossing the Multiverse will be no problem.
The problem is that every time we cross
into another universe, it causes more
damage to the shift engines.
(pause)
Bringing them closer to complete overload.

GREY WOLF
Complete overload?

GBW
The shift engines are a complicated piece
of machinery, made up of dozens
of different systems. The power overload
caused the shift controls to fuse. Basically
we don’t have control as to which universe
we cross over to, nor do we have any
control over how long we stay in a universe.

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?

GBW
The shift engines will be automatically
engaging at random time intervals, causing
the ship to be sucked into the vortex and
into another universe.

GREY WOLF
That doesn’t sound so bad.

GBW
But every time that happens it causes
a major power buildup in the shift
engines, bringing it ever closer to a
complete overload.

DOCTOR WHAT
That sounds bad…

GBW
Basically the ship will become a huge atomic fireball.

DIAMOND
Yeah. I vote for not becoming an atomic fireball.

LANDSHARK
What are we to do?

Everyone looks to DAVE HOWERY, who shrugs and looks to GBW.

GBW
We need a replacement part.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, it seems we’re conveniently over a alternate earth.
We’ll go down and find this part.
To the Teleportation Room!

KIT, DOCTOR WHAT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF are all standing on bright white circles on the floor while MICHAEL and G.BONE stand at the teleporter console.

MICHAEL
Are you sure this’ll work G.BONE?

G.BONE
(suspiciously)
Why?

MICHAEL
Well, there was that thing that
came through last time…

LANDSHARK
(nervously)
What thing?

G.BONE
(quickly)
Nothing!

LANDSHARK
(becoming paranoid)
What thing? What happened last time?!

MICHAEL
This great big monster came through.
It wrecked most of the teleportation tubes.
It was big and scary!

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you sure we shouldn’t use the shuttle, Grey?

GREY WOLF
(Has pants on his head and a bottle of whisky in his hand)
PANTS TO PANTSLESS IN 4 PINTS!

DOCTOR WHAT
(checks watch against a clipboard)
Grey Wolf’s already drunk.
Everything’s going as planned.

LANDSHARK
Off we go!

KIT
So, G.BONE, where are you sending us?

G.BONE just glares at him and keeps hitting buttons.

KIT
Ooh, testy.

G.BONE
(muttering)
They never let me go on missions…

G.BONE hits the computer console.

FLASH OF LIGHT

Suddenly the five find themselves in the middle of a busy city.
Everyone looks about.

LANDSHARK
So, what do we need?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t know…

LANDSHARK
What do you mean “I don’t know”?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Exactly what I said, I have no idea how to fix it. What do you think I am?
An Engineer or something?
I thought GBW told Dr. What.

LANDSHARK
Speaking of which, where is Dr. What?

They all look to their left and see the red light district, DOCTOR WHAT can be seen to be soliciting what is obviously a transsexual. They all wander over to him.

DOCTOR WHAT
(handing a large wad of bills to the transsexual)
There, 300 dollars…

TRANSSEXUAL
(eyeing Canadian currency)
This isn’t real money…

LANDSHARK
(interrupting TRANSSEXUAL)
What are you doing?

DOCTOR WHAT
Looking after number 1.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Eyeing transsexual)
I notice you didn’t get enough for all of us…

DOCTOR WHAT
(Grabbing transsexual)
She’s mine!

LANDSHARK
(Scoffing)
She?
Even Michael’s more
womanly than that thing!

GREY WOLF
(slurring)
And has soft skin too!

KIT
Even Landshark puts his makeup on better.

TRANSSEXUAL
Fine!
(storms off)

DOCTOR WHAT
NO! MY CANADIAN DOLLARS!
GIVE THEM BACK YOU WHORE!

The TRANSSEXUAL just turns around and glares at DOCTOR WHAT, the others back away from him. Other street walkers appear and start heading directly towards DOCTOR WHAT, all brandishing some kind of blunt instrument.

DOCTOR WHAT
(pulling out communicator)
Um…G.BONE?
(silence)
Er…someone else?

MICHAEL
(inquisitively)
Yes?

DOCTOR WHAT
(nervously)
I’m about to be beaten mercilessly…

MICHAEL
(bored)
And?

DOCTOR WHAT
(pitifully)
Help me…

MICHAEL
(contemplates this)
Nah.

The line goes dead and starts beeping in what seems to be a condescending way.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn.

DOCTOR WHAT starts running from the sizeable angry mob.

GREY WOLF pulls out his communicator.

GREY WOLF
(confused)
Hello?

MICHAEL
(enthusiastically)
Hi there!

GREY WOLF
Could you beam us up?

MICHAEL
Did you find that thing?

GREY WOLF
Well… no. DOCTOR WHAT
enraged the locals.

MICHAEL
OK, I’ll get G.BONE right on it.

GREY WOLF
Cheers.

There’s a shimmering and a popping sound and KIT, LANDSHARK, GREY
WOLF and PSYCHOMELTDOWN all appear.

KIT
Hmm, someone’s missing…

Another pop and DOCTOR WHAT appears lying down on the ground and
cowering, alternately covering his groin and face.

DOCTOR WHAT
(crying)
Don’t hurt me!
Don’t hurt me!

KIT
(grinning at DOCTOR WHAT)
Only at first.

MICHAEL
Any luck?

GREY WOLF
Nope.

MICHAEL
So, do we go to another universe?

GREY WOLF
It’s not like we can stop going
to another universe, idiot!

LANDSHARK
Hopefully the ship doesn’t blow up.

Suddenly the com comes on.

GBW
(over com)
Vortex opening!
Ten. Two. One.

Suddenly they are all thrown to the floor as the ship tears a hole into the fabric of the Multiverse.

GREY WOLF
(in pain)
Help…

AH.COM ship pops out of a vortex. Trailing smoke.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Not as bad.
We’re still in one piece.

GREY WOLF
(from beneath PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
Get… off… pain…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Quit faking. You know you like being on bottom.

GREY WOLF gasps for breath

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… You know you’re crushing his windpipe?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Really?
Pause.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay…
To the shuttle bay!

WEAPON M and MATT are seen arguing as the crew wander in, GREY WOLF staggering after them.

WEAPON M
(annoyed tone)
CALIBRE!!

MATT
RATE OF FIRE!!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What are you two arguing about?

WEAPON M
We’re not arguing, I’m speaking in a calm
controlled tone, he’s just being obtuse and contrary.

MATT
‘Tis true.

WEAPON M
So, why are you in the shuttle bay?

MICHAEL
(beaming with pride)
We’re going planetside.

They all glare at MICHAEL.

MICHAEL
DAMMIT! I’m coming too for once!

KIT
(leering)
You can come with me any time…

MICHAEL
(edging away from KIT)
So Doc, what are we looking for?

DOCTOR WHAT
A 7-spoked cog.

MICHAEL
That shouldn’t be too hard to fi…

DOCTOR WHAT
(interrupting MICHAEL)
It’s made of Whatistianiteion,
an amalgamation of Glaucodot,
Hutchinsonite, Polylithionite and
Weloganite, but it’s 99% Obsidian.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Obsidian? Doesn’t that involve Aztecs?

DOCTOR WHAT
And?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Didn’t the Aztecs sacrifice people?

DOCTOR WHAT
You big baby, MATT will have his armour,
and he’ll be able to protect you.

MATT has his hand up and is bounding around like he was in a pre-school class and had to potty.

DOCTOR WHAT
(wearily)
Yes MATT…

MATT
Why Aztecs specifically?

DOCTOR WHAT
Because they carved up obsidian.

MATT
I mean, why not Incan or Mayan,
or even another country…?

DOCTOR WHAT
Because I like saying Aztec.
Aztec.
Aztec.
Aztec.

MICHAEL
I like saying Chimichanga.
Chimichanga.
Chimichanga.
Chimichanga.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Enchilada’s fun as well.
Enchilada.
Enchilada.
Enchilada.

GREY WOLF
(annoyed)
ENOUGH!
Cease your senseless prattling!
(PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s bottom lip begins quivering)
We shall go down to this planet and search for cogs carved of obsidian!

KIT
Why would someone use
obsidian for a cog?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
It’s something different.

MICHAEL
So, does this planet have an Aztec civilizations?

DOCTOR WHAT
And how are we meant to know that?

MICHAEL
Don’t we have ways of scanning the planet?

DOCTOR WHAT
And miss out on a perfectly good opportunity
to get off this damn ship?

LEO
(sniffing)
That hurt, DR. WHAT.
That really hurt.

The faces of some of the crew members can be seen to be pressed against the screen of the shuttle.

GREY WOLF
(annoyed)
DAMN IT MATT!
Take that bloody suit off!

The camera pans to show MATT hunched over in his dreadnought amour, taking up 99% of the room, squeezing the other members around WEAPON M, who is trying to learn how to pilot the shuttle, with some on the job training.

MATT
(Sheepishly)
I don’t know how.

MICHAEL pushes DOCTOR WHAT closer to KIT, who just begins beaming, and grabs a fire axe from the wall.

MICHAEL
(with a psychotic glint in his eye)
Just give me a second…

MATT attempts to run away but merely over balances the shuttle, sending it into a death spin, the crew are thrown head over heels repeatedly, except for DOCTOR WHAT, who’s holding on for dear life to the wall, with eyes and mouth clenched, and KIT, who’s holding on for dear life to DOCTOR WHAT.

Beads of sweat begin dripping off of WEAPON M’s brow as he attempts to stop the shuttle’s barrel roll of death, but finding it incredibly difficult, he merely throws his hands in the air.

WEAPON M
(screaming)
We’re all gonna die!

Suddenly, the shuttle’s auto pilot kicks in, and instantly rights the ship, sending KIT flying off DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
(appreciatively)
Thank Christ for that!

But sending MATT into DOCTOR WHAT, with nought but a sickening crack to be heard.

MATT
Whoops…

MICHAEL pushes the other crew members off him, and stands up. He points at DOCTOR WHAT, who is once again whimpering.

MICHAEL
Is he alright?

MATT hurriedly stands up and picks DOCTOR WHAT up.

MATT
He’s fine, look he’s even
breathing normally.

MICHAEL
I’d debate the use of normal
around DOCTOR WHAT on any
other day, but we have to get to
whatever we were doing!

KIT
(still lying under GREY WOLF)
The seven sided cog!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s legs can be seen to be sticking out from under KIT, one of which is twitching in what can only be described as a vain plea for help.

There is a banging heard on the outside of the shuttle. GREY WOLF stands up and looks out the window, but only sees a large empty field. The banging continues.

MATT drops DOCTOR WHAT’s apparently lifeless body and strides to the door. MICHAEL just picks the axe back up and follows MATT cautiously to the door, ready to attack whatever’s on the other side.

The door opens with a sigh and it reveals a man in bedraggled clothes. He spies DOCTOR WHAT and exclaims:

BEDRAGGLED STRANGER
(pointing at DOCTOR WHAT)
The destroyer of hamlets!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN has managed to get KIT off him, and hears this last bit, he starts laughing at the pathetic-ness of it.

GREY WOLF forces his way past MATT towards the BEDRAGGLED STRANGER.

GREY WOLF
What’s your name?

BEDRAGGLED STRANGER
I am friend with none who travel with the
(ominously)
Destroyer of Hamlets!

GREY WOLF
Oh, him?

DOCTOR WHAT gets to his feet, groaning.

GREY WOLF
(Nonchalantly)
He just hangs with us,
we don’t really like him.

DOCTOR WHAT just stares at GREY WOLF slack jawed, stunned by this sudden revelation

DOCTOR WHAT
Wha?

GREY WOLF
(quickly continuing)
Yeah, he just follows us
everywhere, he’s like a bad smell.

MICHAEL
I told you, I’ve got a fear of soap,
phobia of water and KIT’s always in there!

GREY WOLF
That doesn’t stop the rest of us!

MICHAEL
You just use copious amounts of deodorant!

GREY WOLF just ignores MICHAEL and goes back to the BEDRAGGLED STRANGER.

GREY WOLF
So, what do they call you?

BEDRAGGLED STRANGER
They call me…
(He pauses)
CONFEDERATEFLY.

KIT
So CONFEDERATEFLY,
are there any Aztecs here?

CONFEDERATEFLY
Lots.

KIT
Do they still sacrifice people?

CONFEDERATEFLY
The Aztecs don’t sacrifice people… Where are you from?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Is there anyone on this planet who sacrifices people?

CONFEDERATEFLY
Nooo…

GREY WOLF
What a bloody waste!
Everyone back in the shuttle!
KIT! Stop fondling the local!

KIT sighs and stomps back into the shuttle.

DOCTOR WHAT
But I thought everyone loved
my wacky sense of humour??

MICHAEL
Shut up.

The shuttle takes off back to the ship.

CONFEDERATEFLY watches the shuttle disappear. A man in a loincloth walks up.

TARZAN WANNABE
Come on CONFEDERATEFLY, you’ve gotta
obfuscate that guy and take out his heart.

CONFEDERATEFLY
Yeah, okay, say, have you ever heard of “Aztecs”?

TARZAN
Yeah, they’re those weird guys in the jungle
with the big rock pyramids who carve out the lungs.

CONFEDERATEFLY
I thought they were the Quetzalcoatlians?

TARZAN
No, that’s the name of their religion.

CONFEDERATEFLY
Ah… So, I guess there are Aztecs here…
Those poor people, I wonder what they’ll do now

The crew of the shuttle are once again pressed against the ship, except for GREY WOLF who has managed to take the pilot’s seat, and as such can look out of the window.

MICHAEL
What do we do now?

DOCTOR WHAT
We go to another dimension.

GREY WOLF
Fuck.

MICHAEL
But the pain…

KIT
You didn’t complain last night..

GBW
(over com)
Three… now!

Ship begins shaking violently.

MICHAEL
Mommy!!!

Another portal opens, spitting out the ship, more smoke trailing behind it.

GREY WOLF can be seen to have his head in a fridge. He suddenly pulls it out and his face is contorted into a display of pure anger.

OTHNIEL walks into the mess hall and grabs a soda, but GREY WOLF has already launched himself at OTHNIEL. With a savage cry he begins beating OTHNIEL’s head against the bar.

GREY WOLF
WHY?!!!

GREY WOLF stops banging OTHNIEL’s head for a second, OTHNIEL raises his head as if to speak, but just spits out some teeth.

GREY WOLF resumes banging OTHNIEL’s head into the bar.

GREY WOLF
ANSWER ME UNICORN HATER!

LANDSHARK looks up, jumps out of his chair, and begins attacking OTHNIEL’s calves.

DOCTOR WHAT wanders by, watching the attack. He heads for the fridge and opens it up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
Where’s the booze?

DIAMOND
There’s no alcohol.

DOCTOR WHAT
But, that’s impossible!
Only reason for that would be…
(eyes OTHNIEL)
Sabotage!

OTHNIEL frees himself of GREY WOLF and LANDSHARK.

OTHNIEL
(Through bleeding gums and without teeth)
I wz meery tryim to saf ur soolz.

DOCTOR WHAT grabs OTHNIEL by the scruff of his uniform and slams him against the wall, unfortunately, he is unable to hold
him there for very long, and OTHNIEL just collapses on top of him, but DOCTOR WHAT, adjusting quickly, just glares at OTHNIEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
BUT WHY THE BOOZE!!!

OTHNIEL
Becuz I alweady gof rif ov the pot.

Suddenly, STRAHA comes bursting in, brandishing a chainsaw and surprisingly, without a big cloud of smoke trailing him, he sees OTHNIEL surrounded by members brandishing implements of death. He starts revving his chainsaw.

DIAMOND
Wait, don’t kill him, we can just get
booze off the next planet we go to!

STRAHA still brandishes the chainsaw in a threatening manner.

STRAHA
What about my pot…
My sweet, loving pot…

DIAMOND
There’s no way he got rid of it all.

STRAHA
You’re right.

STRAHA shrugs and walks off, tossing the chainsaw over his shoulder.

DOCTOR WHAT
To the planet!

Most of the members involved in the scuffle run to the teleportation room.

DIAMOND
I’ve been sober for three minutes.
(bursts into tears)

DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, LANDSHARK, GREY WOLF, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and G.BONE occupy the Teleportation Room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right. We all know the mission.
Spare part and booze.

KIT
I’ll mission you.

Everyone looks at him, confused.

KIT
(shrugging)
What can I say.
It’s been a long day.

LANDSHARK
I bet you’ve had longer.
(giggles)

KIT
Quiet or I’ll tell stories.

LANDSHARK
I tell you! It was because
Of the icy North Atlantic!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That explains a lot…

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh…
G.BONE?

G.BONE
(shuddering)
On it.
(hits button)
Everyone vanishes in a flash.

They appear in a flash. DOCTOR WHAT pause for a moment to pat his
crotch.

The street is full of old brick buildings, most of which are right-angled pyramids.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think we’ll find what we need here…

GREY WOLF
Good, you get the thing, the rest of us will get booze.

DOCTOR WHAT
And I have to brave the Aztec
temples to find the Whatistianiteion?

GREY WOLF
Yes.
(Turns to others)
TO A LIQUOR STORE!

They all run off searching for a retailer of fine intoxicating beverages.

DOCTOR WHAT
(wearily)
Michael?

MICHAEL
(over communicator)
Wow, that’s really cool, but is it legal?

G.BONE
(OC)
No. But that’s the best part…

MICHAEL
(OC)
Oh, okay.
How much do you need?

DOCTOR WHAT
HEY, MICHAEL!

MICHAEL
Huh?

DOCTOR WHAT
Use the scanners to find where
I can get some Whatistianiteion!

MICHAEL
(sighing)
Oh, it’s you…
Fine. I’ll find your stupid
Whatistianiteion.
(long, long, long pause)
Got it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where is it?

MICHAEL
300 metres west.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks.

DOCTOR WHAT begins jogging, but after 12 feet starts gasping and wheezing and can barely collapse onto the ground before a massive heart attack would have occurred.

DOCTOR WHAT
(wheezing)
Must… Never… Jog… AGAIN!

DOCTOR WHAT spends the next few minutes regaining his breath, before walking at a very slow pace towards his destination, all the while keeping his eyes open for a cab.[/align

MEANWHILE…

INT. – MONETUZUMA’S OCTLI WAREHOUSE – DAY
EXT. – CITY STREET – DAY
INT – AH.COM SHIP – CARGO BAY – DAY
INT – AZTEC TEMPLE – DAY
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY
INT – ENGINEERING – DAY
INT – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
END OF ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY
EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY
FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

©Psychomeltdown (Alex Claw) 2005, 2010 (creator and director)
©Michael 2005, 2010 (episode writer)

Original Links:
http://mes-ah.com/2009/03/15/broke-down-again/
http://www.alternatehistory.com/discuss ... hp?t=17085

Well, another episode down, as always comments and opinions are always welcome.