If vs debating was real...
Posted: 2003-03-08 07:06pm
Fanatical Trekkie vs Fanatical Warsie by a Bab5-er.
The ISDII appeared from nowhere, its massive form dwarfing the Federation Sovereign. Onboard the ISD "Hail Wong" Captain Fanboy paces the massive steel bridge. All of his subordinates await his orders. Captain Spock-Ears of the USS "Berman & Braga" lounges in his chair, his plushly upholstered bridge even had fluffy dice dangling from above the viewscreen. According to his wishes the seats in the bridge had been covered in zebra print covers.
"Captain Spock-Ears! We have an unknown vessel at 100,000km."
"Begin scan. Tell me everything."
"Captain Fanboy! The unidentified vessel is attempting to scan us, however a single particle of neutronium drifting past appears to have disrupted their scan and any how we are nearly 90,000km outside of their scan range."
"Excellent. Prepare to fire a warning shot."
"Captain, the scan shows that they are powered by an old fashioned nuclear reactor with weak 'deflector' shields and their primary armament are lasers."
"Lasers? They can't even penetrate our navigational deflectors!"
"Sir, are you sure you want to fire a warning shot? Preliminary data on the unknown vessel would indicate that even the flak burst of a turbolaser shot across the bow could cause significant structural damage to the unknown craft."
"Then use a light turbolaser."
"That's what I was referring to Sir!"
"Captain Spock-Ears, we believe that we can teleport a quantum torpedo into their reactor chamber and destroy the ship with a single shot. However, our scan would also indicate that they will be most likely destroyed even by a single hull-shot from a quantum torpedo."
"What about phasers?"
"Their shields appear to be incapable of blocking them. And their hulls are not designed to counter such advanced weapon systems."
"Then use a goddamn quad-laser!"
"Still to much risk if we want to capture the vessel intact."
"Then give me a fucking space-suit and a blaster!"
"OK then, we will warp-strafe them. Bring online a single phaser battery. Single pulse shot, low power."
"Bridge to engineering, bring the warp engines online."
"Then just fire the fucking ion cannons!"
"Yessir."
"And get some fucking TIEs out there!"
"Sir, you do realise that a single shot from a TIE would still probably destroy the vessel."
"Then just buzz them!"
"Yessir."
"And fire that fucking ion cannon already!"
"Captain, we are reading multiple small contacts leaving the unknown vessel."
"Onscreen."
"They appear to be unshielded and armed with light lasers."
"What can they possibly hope to achieve?"
"Ion cannon is ready to fire."
"Fire a single shot."
"Sir! Contact has fired!"
"What? All hands brace for impact!"
"We have impact Sir. Oh, shit, wait a moment. Sir, we have a significant drop in life-sign reading onboard."
"What the hell happened?"
"Wait please…"
"We lost how many red-shirts to exploding consoles and computer displays?"
"Sir, they are raising shields and beginning to engage the TIEs."
"What? Their weapons are so slow to track and fire that even a rookie could avoid those pathetic 'phasers'."
"What the hell were we hit by?"
"An ion cannon Sir, we have it onscreen."
"What, they still utilise turrets on their vessels?"
"Not to mention the manual aiming sir. We are not reading any targeting computers."
"Sir, detecting an energy surge withing the contact."
"What now?"
"Warp drive is online Captain."
"Excellent, prepare for a warp-strafing maneuvre. Aim your fire for an unimportant area of the vessel."
"Yes Captain."
"Captain Fanboy, they appear to be attempting a micro-jump utilising a pathetically slow form of 'FTL' travel."
"How slow?"
"Only a miniscule percentage of hyperdrive speed."
"Pathetic. What are they doing, trying to get into weapon range?"
"Probably Sir, it would appear that their weapons have a maximum range of 100km."
"That's pathetic. Why would they get closer to us when they have already seen our weapons capabilities? Open a channel to them."
"Perhaps we should give them an opportunity to surrender Sir, we should not utilise a warp-strafe until we have exhausted all other options."
"You're right, hail them."
"This" - "This" - "is" - "is" - "Captain" - "Captain" - "Fanboy" - "Spock-Ears" - "of" - "of" - "the" - "the" - "ISD" - "USS" - "Hail Wong" - "Berman & Braga". Both of the Captains look puzzled.
"In the name of the Emperor, you will surrender immediately" - "On behalf of the United Federation of Planets, we request that you surrender your vessel." More bemused looks.
"I demanded your surrender first!" - "You will surrender!" Both the bridges stare at their Captains.
"You are out-gunned, surrender or be destroyed." - "You are out-gunned and significantly slower than us. It is you who will surrender!"
"What are you talking about? We can cross the galaxy in just over a week!"
"Stop babbling you pathetic fool! We know that you are only capable of 1.5c!"
"Whats that? The maximum speed of your pathetic warp-drives!"
"Warp 10 is instaneous travel anywhere in the universe, try and match that you philistines. Why, you still use nuclear technology, how primitive."
"Actually its hyper-matter, and what about those dilithium crystals and warp-cores. What death-traps!"
"A single shuttle craft could easily destroy your vessel."
"And a clone-trooper rifle shot could destroy yours! I mean look at you, your scans are interrupted by even the mildest amount of radiation or metal! What good is that!"
"Better that yours! We never see you use sensor equipment! You couldn't find a Corellian Freighter if it was on the back of your bridge-tower!"
"What are you babbling about!"
"And those shield domes! Do you want them any more exposed to enemy fire?"
"You can talk! I haven't seen such a brittle and badly designed ship since the last time I watched pod-racing!"
"You don't even have transporters! Soooo unadvanced and pathetic!"
"Yes, it must be great getting killed and re-assembled by component molecules elsewhere. I can think of better things to do in my spare-time!"
"You don't have holo-decks!"
"Holo-decks? You mean you still need an entire deck to create a hologram? We can create one from a hand-held device!"
"You don't have replicators. Thanks to replicator technology we have unlimited food and weapons."
"Yes, I really enjoy eating my own shit. And unless you've been eating plutonium curries, any weapons made from those 'recycled' atoms will be useless!"
"Our society has no crime!"
"Our society has free-will!"
"No it doesn't! It's a fascist state ruled by a despotic Emperor!"
"Better than some pathetic brain-washing galaxy-wide proletariat. Oh wait, that's right, you haven't even searched a quarter of your galaxy yet. How quaint."
"We have super-beings!"
"So do we! Plus we have the force!"
"The force doesn't exist in our galaxy! And even if it did - we can create a virus to kill off the midi-chlorians in order to render the force inactive!"
"What? You'd have trouble stopping the common cold! Let alone midi-chlorians!"
"We have techno-babble!"
"We have logic."
"We have nano-probes."
"We-" A jumpgate opens and a single White Star comes through.
"We have newtonian physics, a continuous plot and more powerful superbeings than you could imagine. You will lower your shields and power-down your weapons. We will become the prime-time viewing event while you will be relegated to the 11:30pm Tuesday time-slot, just after the 'Family Ties' re-runs."
"No way, you can't even go FTL without the use of a fixed platform!"
"What do you call what I just did then? Where's the fixed platform? Look at you! You're pathetic, you can't even assemble a decent sub-plot."
"Now wait here, we had the doctors sexual desires on Voyager…"
"Please don't remind us sentient beings of that travesty. Where is the political intrigue? Romance? Mystery? And as for you lot, whats all this about superweapons? A 'Deathstar', ooooh scaaary. A single race in our galaxy has more superweapons than your entire galaxy!"
"That's not true! We also have the Eclipse and Sun-crusher!"
"Pah. They are only mentioned in official sources, and even then, its sooooo formulaic. I haven't read an original Star Wars book since the novelisation of episode IV!"
"Screw you!"
"No screw you!"
"Fuck the both of you!"
"Fuck you too, goddamn trekkie scumbag!"
"Fuck you! You goddamn 5er, this is a fucking star-trek vs star-wars group! Where the fuck is Babylon 5 in that, eh?"
"Hey fuck you! I can mark this post OT anytime I goddamn want!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
And so ends another chapter in the history of ASVS.
The ISDII appeared from nowhere, its massive form dwarfing the Federation Sovereign. Onboard the ISD "Hail Wong" Captain Fanboy paces the massive steel bridge. All of his subordinates await his orders. Captain Spock-Ears of the USS "Berman & Braga" lounges in his chair, his plushly upholstered bridge even had fluffy dice dangling from above the viewscreen. According to his wishes the seats in the bridge had been covered in zebra print covers.
"Captain Spock-Ears! We have an unknown vessel at 100,000km."
"Begin scan. Tell me everything."
"Captain Fanboy! The unidentified vessel is attempting to scan us, however a single particle of neutronium drifting past appears to have disrupted their scan and any how we are nearly 90,000km outside of their scan range."
"Excellent. Prepare to fire a warning shot."
"Captain, the scan shows that they are powered by an old fashioned nuclear reactor with weak 'deflector' shields and their primary armament are lasers."
"Lasers? They can't even penetrate our navigational deflectors!"
"Sir, are you sure you want to fire a warning shot? Preliminary data on the unknown vessel would indicate that even the flak burst of a turbolaser shot across the bow could cause significant structural damage to the unknown craft."
"Then use a light turbolaser."
"That's what I was referring to Sir!"
"Captain Spock-Ears, we believe that we can teleport a quantum torpedo into their reactor chamber and destroy the ship with a single shot. However, our scan would also indicate that they will be most likely destroyed even by a single hull-shot from a quantum torpedo."
"What about phasers?"
"Their shields appear to be incapable of blocking them. And their hulls are not designed to counter such advanced weapon systems."
"Then use a goddamn quad-laser!"
"Still to much risk if we want to capture the vessel intact."
"Then give me a fucking space-suit and a blaster!"
"OK then, we will warp-strafe them. Bring online a single phaser battery. Single pulse shot, low power."
"Bridge to engineering, bring the warp engines online."
"Then just fire the fucking ion cannons!"
"Yessir."
"And get some fucking TIEs out there!"
"Sir, you do realise that a single shot from a TIE would still probably destroy the vessel."
"Then just buzz them!"
"Yessir."
"And fire that fucking ion cannon already!"
"Captain, we are reading multiple small contacts leaving the unknown vessel."
"Onscreen."
"They appear to be unshielded and armed with light lasers."
"What can they possibly hope to achieve?"
"Ion cannon is ready to fire."
"Fire a single shot."
"Sir! Contact has fired!"
"What? All hands brace for impact!"
"We have impact Sir. Oh, shit, wait a moment. Sir, we have a significant drop in life-sign reading onboard."
"What the hell happened?"
"Wait please…"
"We lost how many red-shirts to exploding consoles and computer displays?"
"Sir, they are raising shields and beginning to engage the TIEs."
"What? Their weapons are so slow to track and fire that even a rookie could avoid those pathetic 'phasers'."
"What the hell were we hit by?"
"An ion cannon Sir, we have it onscreen."
"What, they still utilise turrets on their vessels?"
"Not to mention the manual aiming sir. We are not reading any targeting computers."
"Sir, detecting an energy surge withing the contact."
"What now?"
"Warp drive is online Captain."
"Excellent, prepare for a warp-strafing maneuvre. Aim your fire for an unimportant area of the vessel."
"Yes Captain."
"Captain Fanboy, they appear to be attempting a micro-jump utilising a pathetically slow form of 'FTL' travel."
"How slow?"
"Only a miniscule percentage of hyperdrive speed."
"Pathetic. What are they doing, trying to get into weapon range?"
"Probably Sir, it would appear that their weapons have a maximum range of 100km."
"That's pathetic. Why would they get closer to us when they have already seen our weapons capabilities? Open a channel to them."
"Perhaps we should give them an opportunity to surrender Sir, we should not utilise a warp-strafe until we have exhausted all other options."
"You're right, hail them."
"This" - "This" - "is" - "is" - "Captain" - "Captain" - "Fanboy" - "Spock-Ears" - "of" - "of" - "the" - "the" - "ISD" - "USS" - "Hail Wong" - "Berman & Braga". Both of the Captains look puzzled.
"In the name of the Emperor, you will surrender immediately" - "On behalf of the United Federation of Planets, we request that you surrender your vessel." More bemused looks.
"I demanded your surrender first!" - "You will surrender!" Both the bridges stare at their Captains.
"You are out-gunned, surrender or be destroyed." - "You are out-gunned and significantly slower than us. It is you who will surrender!"
"What are you talking about? We can cross the galaxy in just over a week!"
"Stop babbling you pathetic fool! We know that you are only capable of 1.5c!"
"Whats that? The maximum speed of your pathetic warp-drives!"
"Warp 10 is instaneous travel anywhere in the universe, try and match that you philistines. Why, you still use nuclear technology, how primitive."
"Actually its hyper-matter, and what about those dilithium crystals and warp-cores. What death-traps!"
"A single shuttle craft could easily destroy your vessel."
"And a clone-trooper rifle shot could destroy yours! I mean look at you, your scans are interrupted by even the mildest amount of radiation or metal! What good is that!"
"Better that yours! We never see you use sensor equipment! You couldn't find a Corellian Freighter if it was on the back of your bridge-tower!"
"What are you babbling about!"
"And those shield domes! Do you want them any more exposed to enemy fire?"
"You can talk! I haven't seen such a brittle and badly designed ship since the last time I watched pod-racing!"
"You don't even have transporters! Soooo unadvanced and pathetic!"
"Yes, it must be great getting killed and re-assembled by component molecules elsewhere. I can think of better things to do in my spare-time!"
"You don't have holo-decks!"
"Holo-decks? You mean you still need an entire deck to create a hologram? We can create one from a hand-held device!"
"You don't have replicators. Thanks to replicator technology we have unlimited food and weapons."
"Yes, I really enjoy eating my own shit. And unless you've been eating plutonium curries, any weapons made from those 'recycled' atoms will be useless!"
"Our society has no crime!"
"Our society has free-will!"
"No it doesn't! It's a fascist state ruled by a despotic Emperor!"
"Better than some pathetic brain-washing galaxy-wide proletariat. Oh wait, that's right, you haven't even searched a quarter of your galaxy yet. How quaint."
"We have super-beings!"
"So do we! Plus we have the force!"
"The force doesn't exist in our galaxy! And even if it did - we can create a virus to kill off the midi-chlorians in order to render the force inactive!"
"What? You'd have trouble stopping the common cold! Let alone midi-chlorians!"
"We have techno-babble!"
"We have logic."
"We have nano-probes."
"We-" A jumpgate opens and a single White Star comes through.
"We have newtonian physics, a continuous plot and more powerful superbeings than you could imagine. You will lower your shields and power-down your weapons. We will become the prime-time viewing event while you will be relegated to the 11:30pm Tuesday time-slot, just after the 'Family Ties' re-runs."
"No way, you can't even go FTL without the use of a fixed platform!"
"What do you call what I just did then? Where's the fixed platform? Look at you! You're pathetic, you can't even assemble a decent sub-plot."
"Now wait here, we had the doctors sexual desires on Voyager…"
"Please don't remind us sentient beings of that travesty. Where is the political intrigue? Romance? Mystery? And as for you lot, whats all this about superweapons? A 'Deathstar', ooooh scaaary. A single race in our galaxy has more superweapons than your entire galaxy!"
"That's not true! We also have the Eclipse and Sun-crusher!"
"Pah. They are only mentioned in official sources, and even then, its sooooo formulaic. I haven't read an original Star Wars book since the novelisation of episode IV!"
"Screw you!"
"No screw you!"
"Fuck the both of you!"
"Fuck you too, goddamn trekkie scumbag!"
"Fuck you! You goddamn 5er, this is a fucking star-trek vs star-wars group! Where the fuck is Babylon 5 in that, eh?"
"Hey fuck you! I can mark this post OT anytime I goddamn want!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
And so ends another chapter in the history of ASVS.
