StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Was wondering if anybody here would be willing to be a beta reader for me? Have a new story in the works, original science fiction idea sorta.

How about you post it here and we can give you some feedback?

Ok here goes...

A Fractured species(working title)

April 29th 2011- The event occurs taking 90% of humanity off the earth. The American state of Indiana is located on a mountainous world, .2% heavier gravity, two moons, one continent and several islands.

June-Nov 2011th- Indiana democracy is to be maintained name for the planet is chosen Hoosier prime. Is named the Hoosier solar system: three gas giants in middle of system (double digits of moons per) five planets in outer system all but one are frozen wastelands the last planet is a barren rock with one semi active volcano, four planets two habitable and two too close to the sun on the inner side of the system. Asteroid field is 12% larger then asteroid belt in sol system.

Planets rotation is nearly same as old earth only being twenty days shorter, at 345 days
Large fresh water ocean is discovered with fish that are larger but still safe to consume. The lakes turn out to be salt water.

Only two seasons exist winter and spring.

A natural predator twice the size, strength and speed as an American black bear is discovered it has the shape/profile of a tiger. Completely loyal to humans, named omega tiger, willing to serve as mounts to humans.

A separate predator this one a human sized lizard, nicknamed as a raptor, proves to be both the bane of the omega tiger and willing to consume human flesh. Considered highly dangerous and ordered to be avoided at all cost.

Natural crystals on the planet discovered to be in the hundreds of trillions of tons worth proves more than adequate to serve as a fuel source. All vehicles begin the switch over, takes fifteen years for the complete transfer .New settlements are being established, three west’s and two east, named after former states: Illinois, Kentucky, Colorado, Michigan and Florida.

Colorado becomes home to the research and development for space travel.

Illinois turns into a tourist city.

Kentucky focuses on becoming a major military research and development city.

Michigan takes front row in advancing vehicle construction and production

Florida a medical care and research center

Dec 2011 year ends with hope for the future.

08- First rocket is launched into space establishing new satellites.

12- First manned flight to space.

13 Small fleet of ten ships; become the navy, primarily to explore the ocean and develop other technologies.

14 constructions begins on space station

18 mass driver/launcher increases efficiency of ground to space travel

21. Discovery of cure for cancer in blood of raptors.
Space station is completed, first crew of thirty works live and being research on space life.
Probes being landing on the two moons named fenris and Loki

25. Cancer is no longer a major health worry

31 manned missions to fenris

34. Permanent base established on fenris.

35. Construction begins on space elevator

40. Military develops new tanks designated walkers as they have the ability to walk on four legs.
New artillery cannons self propelled also by four legs, enter into service and are put through extensive field test.

49 space elevator completed

50 first colony established on fenris, houses one hundred people
Manned mission to Loki after discovery of more deposits of crystals.
Development of strong exoskeleton body armor begins drawing heavy influence from iron man and warhammer 40k. Process is slow takes far longer and cost more than originally anticipated.

55 fenris colony is tripled in size secondary colony begins construction

74. Asthma is cured

75. Body armor is finalized and makes one adult male five times as effective, able to run, lift, carry and perform formally multiple man tasks singularly. Three companies are organized and mass field testing begins in war games and in efforts to control a rising raptor population.

80. First space ship for weapons test bed is in service.

84 construction of super factory on Loki is completed

90 probes begin landing on closest planet named Merica, it is life sustainable but is nearly a permanent winter.

Fifteen space stations orbit the world, five are colony, five are for construction and five belong to the military.

91 mass demonstrations over military advancement receiving the most attention in the budget. Is quelled after some injuries and the leaders being rounded up, discovering they were trying to usurp the government.

93 first space fighter and gun boats are created.

95 laser based weaponry is developed and distributed. More accurate and rate of fire gives the average soldier as dangerous as a squad of men.


100 manned flight to Merica
104 new powerful crystal discovered on Merica

110 first colony is establish on Merica

Large space war ships are created: Carrier, cruiser, and picket ships with plans for a tender well underway.

112. All of the world has been explored and Alzheimer’s cure is found

113. Research begins on faster than light travel.

118 both moons have over three thousand colonist

Total national population is 12,874,897 people

138 more colonies established on Merica
Exploration and exploitation of asteroid field is begun.

150 an advanced space ship discovered on moon of one of the gas giants is alien in origin and takes eight years to reverse engineer it and begin making use of technologies discovered.

161 testing begins on alien faster than light travel. Named subspace

165 faster than light is understood and travel from one end of the system to the other in three minutes is now possible. Shipping benefits greatly.

166 Space fleet reaches fifty ships, 5 carriers, 20 cruisers, 20 picket ships 5 tenders. The fleet designs draw influence heavily from old earth eagles, favoring agility and speed over super heavy hitting sluggers. However still pack a major punch.

200 first explorer ships travel out to nearest star systems.

205 massive defense project for inner world and moons

210 first explore ships reach destinations to discover no life. Worlds that could be terra formed and are high in valuable resources.

218 sub space is improved and can cut the distance to the two new systems in half.
Terra form fleets are sent to two of the solar systems takes five years for them to make the transit

229. Further advancement is made in subspace travel and the trip now takes three years.

232. Contact is made with an unknown ship that resembles submarine outside of the Olympus system being terra formed.

Contact goes awkward as both sides fire a single burst at each other to the far right by a mile exactly. The unknown ship then leaves the area. Weapon fire from unknown was on par with Hoosier weaponry

236 population hits 67 million- cloning is possible now to effectively create a fully sentient human being. Only a few dozen are “birthed” the first year to study them.

Two separate appearances in same system of unknown ship occur. This time no shots are fired but strange scans are conducted. No similarities to reverse engineered old walkers tech (as the progenitors of the alien ship are now called).
New dreadnoughts are being developed in secret.

237. A fleet of seven unknown ships appear and send messages to the local ships. After a few hours of nervous friction it turns out that they are Japanese. Open relations begin, peace treaty
is signed and alliance formed.

Several citizens from both nations travel back and forth.

Technology shared and improved for both. Trade flourishes and both nation’s economies, development and military cooperation improve dramatically resulting in an immense respect and friendship.

A grand alliance is formed the Hoosier/Okinawan alliance.

269. A third faction of humanity is discovered but proves hostile war breaks out. Faction turns out to be former Chinese province of Gansu. War erupts as the Gansu Empire desires to conquer all. A Gansu scout fleet discovers a trade ship and attacks boards and kills entire crew. The ship drifts into a police vessels patrol lane, who quickly discovers the grim sight.

Public outrage and political determination lead to a quick vote in approval. Draft begins, fleet construction intensifies.

The combined fleet/ grand alliance fleet is formed, goes on the offensive.

Nine carriers

Four battleships

Thirty cruisers

Thirty five destroyers

Forty five picket ships

And ten scout ships.

Now the story begins.

Alliance fleet command ship carrier, soul of the samurai, admiral Yoshiya was a most unhappy man. In his meeting room were most of the fleet’s commanders. He was the oldest and considered most experienced of the group with his attacks on pirates. Taking a puff from his cigar before continuing, standing up so that all eyes would be forced to focus on him.

“Gentlemen need I remind you that we only have the smallest inkling of what our enemy is capable of. Rushing in head on will easily cost us dearly. If we had known this would happen the colony fleets would not have been sent out with such large escorts. However it also may be appropriate that each does have one comparable to us.”

Holding up a hand to stop the interruption he knew would come. “We all want justice for the great atrocity but as long as I am in overall command of the offensive fleet, it will be done my way. Is that understood?”

All heads nod in agreement, “Good now I want the scout ships to deploy in one hour in pattern hotel 2. Rest assured gentlemen we will make this Gansu Empire pay. Have no doubt of that.” He said while sitting back down.

A young looking Hoosier officer stands up, he like most of his people are a bit taller than their allies in Okinawa but that is beside the point. “Admiral the scout ships will be ready Sir.” He said. “Sir is it possible to send out a request for some of the colony fleets to send a few warships back to us. We may need the extra firepower.”

Several heads not in agreement at this, except one. “What you don’t think we are sufficient enough to handle this enemy? Captain Dalonte I always figured you for a man who was too cautious. Or are you simply scared?” A Hispanic looking captain abruptly uttered.

“And you captain Cortez are one who would rush head first into a trap. I for one am not willing to get all my people killed in a vainglorious quest to have fame and awards, like you.” The venom in his voice was clearly transmitted.

“Enough both of you, once this meeting is adjourned we shall have words.” Admiral Yoshiya yelled before either of the two captains could begin into another argument. “It has been discussed by all the higher ups that we shall not request any colonial escort ships to return. Should they encounter an enemy of their own, they may be needed more.”

“With that being said no more discussion on the matter unless we find ourselves in need. Yes it is possible that it may be too late by then, but both our political leaders agreed to it. We must obey. Now return to your ships or sections and get them ready for jump. As soon as the scouts report anything substantial we pounce on it.” The collective officers showed a sense of anticipation, fear, and focused rage on their faces. “Dismissed!”

As one they all stood and rendered respect in the manner of their military. The Hoosiers a traditional western salute and the Okinawa officers bowed, before leaving.

Captain’s Dalonte and Cortez both stood at attention waiting the ass chewing the new was coming.

A great scowl force itself onto the face of the admiral. “Gentlemen we are going to war. Now both of you are outstanding leaders and will need your talents in the coming fights. However we don’t need the two of you acting like childish rivals. Bickering and sniping at each other. It is not good for cohesion and absolutely against the morale of the crews who may be privy to witnessing.”

He was now only a few inches away from both men.

“If I must personally smack this bullshit out of you then I will. I do not want to, you are both grown men. Don’t think I won’t because I will. Regardless of how much you are needed. If it comes to worst I will have you both replaced.”

A slight grin on Cortez face showed he doubted. “What’s so funny Cortez? You think cause I am not a Hoosier that I can’t. Because that authority was given to me by the charter drawn up for this war, I am the ultimate authority on how we run this fleet. Cortez your shot at glory will be denied to you. Dalonte your shot at justice will be stripped from you. Am I clear on this matter gentleman?” The entire time he did not yell but the anger and disgust of the matter was evident in his tone.

“Yes sir!” They sounded off simultaneously.

Taking a slanted seat on the desk, “Good now get to your crews and make ready.”

They salute and he bows in return of the respect.

Turning to look at the map of allied space he sighs. “What will gain? What will we lose? In the end will this all be worth it?”

I'll be frank here: your dialogue needs work. To me, it just feels very choppy and unnatural for the good admiral to state

Enough both of you, once this meeting is adjourned we shall have words.

because the way that sentence is actually read comes out as a continuous stream of words, without emphasis, when there should be. Try imagining how you would say it, and then write it.

Also, you should never have to use the phrase

he like most of his people are a bit taller than their allies in Okinawa but that is beside the point

ever. And I do mean ever. A story is supposed to follow a plotline; the phrase "beside the point" means that you're deviating from the plotline.

You're working with a pretty good canvas here, and your basis is solid. Watch out for stuff like that and you'll be fine.

Saltwater is always at sea level. Fresh water is always above sea level. It's feasible that you might have more fresh water than salt water, but the salt water will always show up lowest. This is because salt water is formed when evaporation patterns lift fresh water out of mineral rich water, move it in the form of clouds, run into a mountain, rise, condense, and drop the water on high places. High altitudes get rain, middle altitudes get freshwater lakes, and low altitudes get saltwater seas.

In response to Feil, I actually didn't know that. Thanks for the intel; ought to help me in a couple of my own works.

That also made me think of something else; if your lakes are saltwater, how in the hell do your people survive? I mean, I'm thinking that the water in the lakes, salt included, is eventually going to seep down into the underground freshwater supplies, if there are any, and Illinois isn't going to have too many plants that can take the salt out of your now undrinkable freshwater. Well, now you can't manufacture enough freshwater from saltwater and your original freshwater supplies are gone. Now what?