StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Alright, I am now starting a contest to see whoever can write a fanfic/story with the following in it:

1. Coneheads porn

2. Captain Janeway

3. Battletech

4. No mention of SD.Net users

THe only conditions are that it must be well written, coherent, and must NOT lack continuity.

Good Luck, award to be announced


Any Takers?

Well, I've already got number 4 sewn up, now I just have to sell out my artistic vision to include the other three, should take 5, maybe ten minutes.

Conehead threesome with Janeway, on a mech?

Captain Janeway was walking around voyager when she suddenly felt the urge to walk in the holodeck. Suddenly Beldar COnehead was there and the two of them had freaky janeway conehead sex when suddenly Q appeared and started yelling. Hey bitch you'll do him but not me? So Q transported Janeway to the BAttletech universe where Janeway was stomped to death by a patrol of mechs.

The End and good riddance.

Darth Fanboy wrote:Captain Janeway was walking around voyager when she suddenly felt the urge to walk in the holodeck. Suddenly Beldar COnehead was there and the two of them had freaky janeway conehead sex when suddenly Q appeared and started yelling. Hey bitch you'll do him but not me? So Q transported Janeway to the BAttletech universe where Janeway was stomped to death by a patrol of mechs.

The End and good riddance.

That does not qualify as coherent.

yes, but if no one else enters then it wins. See? Its like bidding $1 on "The Price Is Right"

Darth Fanboy wrote:yes, but if no one else enters then it wins. See? Its like bidding $1 on "The Price Is Right"

Well, I guess that means I'll have to enter:

Captain Janeway and Seven of Nie entered the holodeck, Janeway ordering the holodeck to recall the program "Janeway's room."

Seven stepped back with visible horror and revulsion on her face as the holoeck became a dungeon, with various implements of weird torture, including way to large dildos, whips, chains, and other twisted implements of pain and pleasure. Seven became even more horrified as Janewya's uniform dropped, revealing her to be wearing a leather domixnatrix outfit, her face twisting into a horrible grin. Seven tripped backwards and fell as she was backing away from the insane captain.

"Time to learn some new lessons!"

"Computer: Deactiviate holodeck!"

The computer responded, in its usual charming voice, that the holodeck controlls had been locked out by the Captain. Seven quickly stood, still backing away form the captain. She turned and ran down the hallway, opening doors as she went. The first one contained a pair of weird aliens with cones for heads whiping each other naked. She immedialty slammed that one shut. She rand odwn the hallway, opening further doors, but it is best not described what was behind each of those.

"Seven!? Why are you running? I have so much to teach you!"

After the fifth door, Seven kneeled down, and injected borg nano-probes inot the deck plating, hoping that they could disrupt the captain's override. The entire holo-landscape fractured, and then reformed, leaving a pitted landscape behind. The captain, at the other end of the field, turned, and saw Seven in the distance.

"There you are!" She walked accross the field, but was stopped when the bright flashs of laser fire filled the air, missles stremaing over head, as massive war machnes fired at each other from oppisiste ends of the cratered plain. Stray machine gun fire suddenly slamed into the hill that janeway was walking over, tearing her to pieces.

Q, sitting in some random subspace dimension, looked at the Voyager, and saw what had happened.

"Well, now. That's not supposed to happen." He snapped his fingers.

Seven awoke from a nightmare. Thinking back to it, she decieded not to think about, and went back to her regeneration process.

Janeway turned in her sleep, a smile etched across her face.

You are sick and twisted, you know that?

Yes, and thank you.

Yeah but you forgot to mention the Coneheads.

The stars flowed silently past the window of Janeway's quarters. The Captain simply stood there, watching the endless streams of light, listening to the soft hum of the warp drive. Will we ever get home? she wondered silently. Or are we just fooling ourselves?

That was when Q stepped out of thin air behind her. "Good evening, madmoiselle," he said with his characteristic lopsided smile.

Janeway sighed. "What is it, Q?"

He put on his offended face. "Why, you wound me, my dear lady. I have something fascinating to tell you."

"What?"

He smiled conspiritorically. "Your Federation is in new hands."

"What?!"

"I'm afraid it's true. Some hours ago, Mechwarriors of the Ghost Bear Clan...mysteriously appeared on Earth and attacked everything in their way. Within twenty minutes, Starfleet Academy and Starfleet HQ were taken. Your glorious leaders never had the chance to fight back."

"You're lying."

"Am I?" Q snapped his fingers, and Janeway was suddenly standing on the ground outside San Francisco. Without warning, her ears were attacked by the sound of a massive machine gun. Looking up, she saw a massive Timber Wolf raining lead onto a crowd of redshirts. Scattered phaserfire came back, and the Timber Wolf backed off. The sun was blocked out as an even more massive Kodiak took its place. The Kodiak pilot didn't waste any time, firing its SRMs into the crowd and annihilating it. The impossibly huge machine continued towards the Golden Gate Bridge, a Gargoyle and a Warhammer in tow. The crackle of PPCs filled the air as the Gargolye fired on a shuttlecraft as it took off. The small ship erupted into flames and fell to the ground.

"This can't be," Janeway said.

"Oh, I'm afraid it is," Q replied. "The Federation has been decapitated, and when the warriors of the Ghost Bear return to their own home, they will bring with them your technology. They will use to to swallow up the other clans, starting with those pathetic Wolves and Jade Falcons. Clan Ghost Bear will become the most powerful force their galaxy has ever seen."

"What about the Federation?"

"Oh, your leaders will patch themselves up rather quickly and issue a declaration to the masses. They will claim that it was an accident, resulting from the test of a new warp drive."

"Why are you showing me this?"

"Oh, no reason. I just thought you might be interested. Say, I think we've been spotted." Janeway turned to see a gigantic Warhawk battlemech training its lasers on her position. She opened her mouth to cry out-

-and found herself standing back on theVoyager,in front of the window. "I hate you, Q," she growled. Then, she turned and went out into the corridor, heading for the bridge.

Earth and Federation HQ, however, were as far back in Ensign Royalle's mind as they could be while he concentrated all his attention on Ensign Felicia Conehead. Running a hand lightly over the raised skull, he was rewarded with a shiver and a slight moan from the girl beneath him. He pressed his lips to hers as his hand felt its way down her stomach and a finger slipped inside, meriting another moan. She began grinding against him, her breath short and hot on his skin.

They continued their passions, unaware and uncaring of the carnage that had been wrought on Earth.


THE END

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

ok Iggy is winning

Two and four are already done so....

*Adds battletech to the hitlist for Renaissance of the Daleks*

Conehead porn however....

Darth Fanboy wrote:nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

ok Iggy is winning

Yes he is, though no one can seem to get teh Conehead Porn down.

Though I am wondering how Iggy got to read my St Vs. Btech fanfic outlines, he got a good part of it right, except for the clans fighting.

Darth Fanboy wrote:Yeah but you forgot to mention the Coneheads.

"The first one contained a pair of weird aliens with cones for heads whiping each other naked."

Dreadfully sorry, but I never watched Coneheads.

A decent movie, a better old school SNL sketch, its probably the only thing other than Ghostbusters that has Dan Akroyd in it as a humorous character.

Straha wrote:Yes he is, though no one can seem to get teh Conehead Porn down.

Well, I could've gone on, but I wanted to get back to my posting. Shall I add to the ending?

Though I am wondering how Iggy got to read my St Vs. Btech fanfic outlines, he got a good part of it right, except for the clans fighting.

1. I made that up on the spot, Sraha, I haven't read anything of yours.

2. Being that I haven't gotten around to reading any of the BT novels, all my Mechwarrior experience comes from MW2 and the instruction manuals thereof.

Straha you aren't looking for the senso rings are you?

now thats a demented way to do it

My try:


One day a ship full of coneheads (6) crash-landed on Battletech earth. There they were chased by the mechs into the mountains were they tried to hide.

Meanwhile in the ST-universe, Voyager was racing through the borg transwarp hub towards the alpha quadrant, closely follwed by a b0rg 2ph34r. In that exact moment Q let a thundering fart and as such reality was warped and twisted, and Voyager and the Borg sphere appeared in the BTech universe near a TIE-fighter that had also been transported there. The TIE attacked the Borg cube it's twin guns blazing and blew it to smithereens, then it started strafing runs on Voyager. Just when it made the final pass to finish the dying ship off Voyager's character shield kicked in and boosted shield strenght by 22.54E9802 and enabled the ship to perform an emergency landing on the planet.

The ship was shaking as it dived into the atmosphere, and then the a missile from the planet hit the command bridge and cut it clean off.

Almost all of the bridge crew died and 7of9 having lost chacotay wanted to commit suicide, so she took poison, however it wasn't lethal poison so she just fell asleep. Then Chacotay who had miraculously survived came in and saw her lying seemingly dead there on the ground, so he stabbed Neelix with his rapier who had come to 7's grave to bring some flowers there, and then he took poison himself (of the lethal kind) and died, and when 7 was awake again she kissed the poison from his lips and commited suicide with Romeo's dagger.
Then the ship hit the ground.

Meanwhile Janeway had been falling all the way down alone because she'd been sucked out once the bride module had lost structural integrity, and by accident she landed on a conehead's cone with her womanhood.
Then both started to have wild and somewhat disgusting anal sex, and then, led to their location by their cries of joy, the TIE swooped in and blew both of them to hell.

The inhabitants of the Btech universe, having witnessed all that, declared the TIE fighter a national sanctuary and gave the pilot 72 of the planet's most beautiful nymphomanic virgins.

End.

Good, good. Polish it up, and give the Btech universe a purpose, and I think you win.

nymphomanic virgins.

is there such a thing? I thought they didn't become nymphomaniacs until the got their first taste, which would make them non-virgins.

Alright, lets add one moer condition,

5. No Janeway Porn unless it helps to fufill the Coneheads Porn requirement,

Straha wrote:Alright, lets add one moer condition,

5. No Janeway Porn unless it helps to fufill the Coneheads Porn requirement,

Hey, I killed her directly afterwards...

Eitherway, I'll rewrite it.

Captain Janeway looked at her bridge. There was Tuvok, grumbling something about "stupid Neelix kicking my Kalto games." Lt. Paris sat snoring at his console. She didn't care, they weren't going anywhere, what with their fucking slow engines and tens of thousands of LYs to travel.

And then she say Ensign Uslez. Masturbating.

Janeway sighed and began walking towards him. It wasn't an uncommon sight. Her crew was constantly watching porn on their consoles. The fact that Seven was now releasing weekly videos didn't help.

But what she saw at the console nearly made her scream. Two ugly creatures with cone like heads were fucking each other.

"ENSIGN!" Janeway screamed. Uslez nearly collapsed in terror of her.


"Shut up bitch!" Lt. Tufmann shouted. He stood up and started walking towards Janeway. Tuvok fired his phaser at him, and instead hit Paris.

A security officer rushed towards him. Tufmann knocked him out with a punch, ingoring another missed shot by Tuvok. He grabbed the body by its legs and swung it as a bat at another approaching officer. There heads collided and were knocked off.

One head landed in the arms of Uslez. He screamed and fell back, knocking into a console. And the console exploded, killing him instantly.


After 100 shots, and using up 10 phasers, Tuvok finally hit Tufmann.
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Janeway consulted with the Doctor about their behavior.

"Tufmann is suffering from drug withdrawal. Without replicators constantly provided our loyalty drugs, the crew is going insane. Normally, executing the crew would be standard procedure , but that's impossible."

"What about Uslez?"

"Neelix food. Destroys the body. But I can take care of that..."
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The Doctor walked into the Mess Hall and pulled out an axe and walked towards Neelix. He screamed in terror and turned to run.

Too late, the Doctor swung his axe and Neelix fell in two pieces. Laughter errupted at the carpet was stained with the bar rodent's blood.

One person laughed so hard he slammed a console, causing it to malfunction and start randomely activate systems. Soon, every system on the ship was online. The computer couldn't handle this and overloaded, and system after system began to shut down...


This caused untold amounts of chaos on the bridge. Voices shouted out what was failing.

"Escape Pods are offline!"

"Main computer is gone!"

"Oh my god, the warp cores going to fucking blow!"

Once she heard this, Janeway ordered, "Mr Paris, find us a planet and head towards it!"

Voyager began to spin towards a planet. Soon they were entering the atmopshere and diving to the ground.

"Ma'am, I've lost helm control, I can't land!"

"We'll have to transport! Tuvok, beam the crew away from the ship to the ground."

"Captain, I'm detecting-"

"NOW YOU FUCKING POINTY EARED BASTARD!"

As the entire crew disappeared in a shimmer of light, the ship continued its descent...
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In Mech facility 75275827823
"SIR! MISSLE WARNING!" a technician shouted

"Damnit! Warn Command! Get the Mechs away from the base!"

"DUCK AND COVER! IMPAC-"


Voyager smashed into the facility and exploded with the power of a nuke. Anything within kilometers was affected. The facility was vaporized, and Mechs desperatly running from their doom were smashed by the shockwaves.
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In a Timber Wolf mech, a pilot nearly jumped.

"YES! Action! All mechs, new orders! Someone launched a fucking missle at us! We're picking up landing troops. No mechs detected. Let's nail these bastards!"

And 15 Mechs slaughtered 150 of Voyager's crew. They died begging for their lifes.

"Please don't kill me! For the love of god-" screamed Harry Kim, before being blown to bits.

Captain Janeway yelled, "I demand you stop this murder!" Instead, a Mech stepped on her.

GAT's was rather good, though the End with the IMPs dropped all continuity, considering they use mechs in their daily use I also find it hypocritical...

Grand Admiral Thrawn wrote:

Much better now