StarDestroyer.Net BBS

"Even now, the enemies of the Federation...are being repelled in orbit...our weapons are destroying them with ease...their star destroyers...they self destruct in fear. Thousands of them die in orbit whie the powerful Federation ships continue to keep Earth free of the Infidel..errrr....Imperials....Long live the President....long live the Federation....We are still in control of the Federation...their ships...cannot match us...



This is Jonst Danew embedded with the 94th Imperial Infantry unit. Right now Holonews Network is bringing you live footage of the Invasion on Earth. We are currently about twenty miles outside of San Francisco, and so far we've encountered tenacious but ineffective resistance.

The Federation seems to be using nothing but poorly equipped infantry and no armored vehicles have been seen as of yet. Imperial troops have taken advantage and so far the only remaining resistance is here, in the area known as Northern California. Hold on...I'm being told that several AT-ATs are moving in on a Federation position near the Golden Gate Bridge. Much further inside Federation Held Territory than we previously thought.

*

Hold on Jonst I hate to interrupt you but it appears that a Federation Admiral has been captured. Yes , Holonews netowrk has confirmed that Federation Admiral Janeway has been captured trying to flee the planet by
An Imperial Star Destroyer maintaining the blockade of the planet.



Janeway, who initially incited the conflict by insulting the Emperor's political views and her attempt to lecture the Imperial government on peaceful negotiation and understanding was the last straw.

We still have no word on the Federation President or even if he was killed during the initial surgical bombardment during the first night of the war. ALso missing is the Infamous jean Luc Picard, who has so far managed to evade capture using incredibly odd technological means that have so far delayed efforts. However the Enterprise has only managed to delay the inevitable as Imperial patrols seek and destroy Federation ships.

Next Up on Holonet News coverage of the Federation War, the Federation Information Minister, is it calculated defiance? Or merely the delusional ranting of a dying regime.

LOL this is cool keep up the good work.

Unfortunately reports that the man himself may have killed himself could put a dmaper ont he story. The next edition could come out soon as tonight, seeing as how my writing bloc regarding Fall of the Federation is killin me.

Greeting sthis is Skip Spoonberry with your evening Holonews and our ongoing covereage, of War (dramatic Pause) in the Federation.

(insert pointless expensive graphic)

Our top story today, the Federation is in full retreat after Imperial forces have captured the capital planet of Earth. While Imperial forces still face resistance from civilians in the strategic worlds of Vulcan and Betazed the Federation capital has been siezed and citizens are partying in the streets after beeing freed from centuries of opressive socialist rule.

With the bulk of the war over and the end in sight the Empire is considering reducing the number of Star Destroyers in the area by as many as 100.

Before we move along with our war coverage, we've just recieved word that the Federation Minister of information is reporting live from a federation outpost called Deep Space Nine.

*cut to DS9*

REporter: minister, with the Imperial taker over of Earth it seems as if the Federation has been....

The Empire isn't even on Earth...all Imperial forces have been destroyed...I will even take you to Earth..to show you...The Federation still is in control of its territory..the Imperial Fleet is in ruins..the commit suicide in space..

*explosions rock DS9, Tie Fighters can be seen outside the window behind the Minister.*

Reporter: Sir how can you explain that...

Don't believe the Empire..Don't believe their lies...the Federation is decisively winning the war...Admiral Janeway is firmly in command...she has not been captured...don't believe them...

*Super Star Destroyer comes into view through the window, a trio of GCS ships are completely annhilated*

Even now our ships slaughter the enemy, their ships are useless metal scrap in space...there is no chance for them..long live the Federation...long live the President...Death..to the invaders...

*

That was the Federation Information Minister live from Deep Space Nine. We now go to our Holonews Netowrk Military Analyst, former Imperial Admiral Tirrek Xen now joins us, thank you admiral

Glad to be here.

Now, the question probably on most of our viewers minds is probably, well, what is the deal with the Federation Information Minister?

Adm. Tirrek Xen (Ret.): Well, the thing you have to understand is that the Federation Capital of Earth, for at least the last 200 years and possibly longer, has been a completely socialist government. The state took over every aspect of its citizen's lives that it could, from food rationing through replicators, to travel restrictions through transporters. THey even abolished money in order to keep financial control.

The Federation Information Minister for years has been the voice of the state, telling citizens what to believe and what to think. the Federation must have thought that their brainwashing of their citizens was more complete. nowthe minister is desperately trying to do whatever he can in order to get the population back under the control of their government.

Skip: But Admiral, You just saw in that last Interview, the TIE Fighters, the Star Destroyers, the Imperial Fleet was closing in during his press conference. How can he possibly refute what was right in front of everyone?

Admiral Xen: I didn't say his methods were effective or foolproof for that matter.

Skip: Well thank you Admiral, your insights are much appreciated and congratulations for finishing your career without being strangled to death by Lord Vader.

When we return with our coverage here on Holonews Network, the anti war Chandrilan and Mon Cal discuss the war with the Federation on Mon Calamari. Is a Base Delta Zero in order? Also, Emperor Palpatine, his popularity ratings have skyrocketed after the success of the Imperial Military in the Alpha Quadrant but does that mean the Rebel Alliance will finally lose its support here in our galaxy? Stay Tuned.

*grin*


This is good. I like it much.

Hello this is Paul Fuzzbottom for Holonews Network and our ongoing coverage, of the war....in the Federation....

*dudhudhududhuddududuudududummmmmmm*(news music)

Soldiers today from TIE Pilots to stormtroopers were distributed decks of sabaac cards today with the faces of key Federation leaders that are wanted by the Empire. The leaders, which include the Federation President, Captains Jean Luc Picard and William T Riker, and even the Federation Information Minister whom we have all grown to know and admire during this conflict.

Here you can see the Federation Minister's card, the four of Idiots, these cards were distributed in an effort to increase facial recognization with our soldiers, so that no Federation criminals escape the wrath of Imperial Justice.

Earlier today several Reporters from the UFP Network, a small insignificant network known as "CNN", accused the EMpire of killing several of their own reporters during an attack on the Holiday Inn hotel in San Francisco.

An Imperial military spokesman responded, "Yeah what are you going to do about it, we're the Empire, you answer to us now." Charges are expected to be dropped and medals of combat bravery are to be issued instead to the valiant stormtroopers who have been defending our rights to live freely...under Imperial rule.

WE'll now pause for station Identification and a commercial break.

Darth Fanboy wrote:Unfortunately reports that the man himself may have killed himself could put a dmaper ont he story. The next edition could come out soon as tonight, seeing as how my writing bloc regarding Fall of the Federation is killin me.

Shit

I wouldn't worry though, I'll think of something. Ive come up with some more idears hehehehe

'Dis is good. Very good...

This is Thom Wizzleteats with Holonews Network reporting Live, bringing you coverage of the complete rout that is.....the war....with the federation

Imperial Weapons Inspetors from the ISD Majestic have discovered plans for Federation Superweapons and other military technology that could be used in terrorist assaults against Imperial citizens.

One of these weapons, a device known as Genesis, was developed using citizen tax money under the guise of developing a rapid terraforming process. The process though creates a chain reaction of some sort that quickly destroys the planets atmosphere and ruins it completely.

Despite these horrible technological discoveries though, anti war protestors on Corsucant gathered to day to denounce the killing of Federations soldiers

*cut to file footage*

"There has to be a more diplomatic solution to this conflict. those Federation soldiers ar ebeing put into combat against our battle hardened and elite soldiers with little more than pajamas and low powered ray guns fit for a Nerf Scout troop."

The protestors were taken into custody by COMPNOR officials soon afterwards with the hopes that they could be re educated.

Meanwhile, several Corporate Sector Authority companies owned by one A. Skywalker have been given government contracts to operate in the mineral rich Alpha Quadrant. More on this as it develops.

No word yet on the fate of the Federation information Minister,but recent footage has surfaced of the Federation president leading a parade in the streets of Paris. Analysts doubt that this is recent footage because shortly after the invasion the city of Paris was reduced to a smoldering crater as part of the Imperial "Shock, and Scare the bantha poodoo outta them" campaign.

Coming up here on Holonews Networks nightly report, will fuel prices go down with the addition of resources from the Alpha Quadrant? And also, A look back on 400 years of oppression, how one planet's liberal population allowed themselves to be conquered from within. by socialist tyrants.

*click*

Hell and thank you for turning into Sportscentral here on ISPN. The Averam Mighty Hawkbats defeated the Balmorra Crimson Wings in Glacierball today in the First round of the Palpatine's Cup playoffs. The heavily favored Crimson Wings fell in four straight as the Hawkbats became the first team to end their first round series.

*click*

A deadly outbreak of a new and out of control virus was contained today on the planet Faleen when the Lord Darth Vader contained the blast with the infamous Base Delta....

*click*

And I ask you brothers and sisters, do you think Alerraan was destroyed because of the Empire? Or because of the Rebels? No! It was because of Homosexual Feminist Aliens! Don't let them....

*CLICK*

Now for Gamestation, you too can fight the Federation! Control all sorts of Imperial Vehicles such as AT-ATs, AT-STs, and even control a Star Destroyer as you lay waste to the Earth Region of France!

*click*

Now back to, "Do it in the Hutt!" Here on the Xenoporn Channel

*CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK*

I like Gurtz' Ale because of it's great taste.

We'll I like Gurtz' Ale because its less filling.

(cut to two nearly naked Twi Lek girls wrestling in a fountain)

(commerical ends)

*click*

And now Holobroadcasting News Corp has obtained word that the Federation Minister, four of idiots on your Sabaac decks, has reportedly jumped out an airlock on Deep Space Nine. This could mark the only case in history where, if a man claims he is not dead and no one believes him.

*power off*

I loved this one, especially the Faleen and ALderaan bits, and the commercial... great work fanboy, please keep it up.

Good stuff. I like how the Sports are mention... Averam.....

Cyaround,
Jason

ROTFLMAO. That last chapter is a gem.

Looting has begun spearding all over the captured planet of Earth. However, the Earthers, watered down by years of force fed utopia, have routinely injured themselves in the process of ransacking government buildings.

The Imperial Troops, in their bid to restore private ownership to thes eoppressed people. Have begun executing looters on the spot as an example o re-educate these people against stealing. For a population where communal ownership has been the norm this is proving to be an arduous process.

However if there has been at least one real tragedy, it this would be it. the theft of a priceless 21st century object. One of the few Earth cultural artifacts that survived the Third World War of that planet. Christy Chris is on the scene of the crime, Christy?

*

I'm here live in Algona Iowa, home of the Earth's largest Cheetoh, one of the few Earth cultural artifacts that survived the Third War.

What is a Cheetoh you might ask? We'll up until the fomation of the Federation the Cheetoh was one of the most popular snack foods on the planet. To find a large and misshapen one was a rarity and considered a sign of prestige among the ancient Earth culture.

however, this Cheetoh was incredibly large, so large that it soon earned the title, "World's Largest"

In a bid to increase tourism, and to provide thier community with a sense of civic pride, the rural town of Algona, in the province Iowa, purchased the Cheetoh, there it remained until recetnly. Due to the rural location of Algona, the town was largely spared during the great Third War, except for a herd of cattle, nerf-like native animals, and a former residents personal vehicle, known as a "pickup truck."

The Cheetoh wasstolen in a brazen daylight raid at its display case at city hall. The case was simply smashed and the Cheetoh was stolen from the unguarded, unlocked room. I...screw this...This war has been over for days and the only reason we still have viewers is because people want to hear more from that damned information minister

*

Right you are Christy, and indeed we have recieved a report that man himself is alive and well.

The search led Imperial Investigators to a remote town in the Earth area known as Mesopotamia where several relatives of the elusive Minister reside. Investigators interviewing the relatives we're told that "He was not there, he had never been there, and in fact he was not even a member of the family."

Investigators believe an arrest will occur soon.

Lol, world's largest Cheetoh.... And I like how the reporter just said "screw this".

Pretty good, especailly some of the names. Perhaps the Information Minister's name is Timothy Jones? Or, better (worse?) yet, Paul Jaques jr.?

That information is classified, the the minister assures me that your infidel tongue couldn't pronounce it.

(Fucking television, I think i'll just relaxt and read the morning Flimsi)

ALLIANCE OF EVIL, One Down, Two to go.
Column by Jthel Nyrzen, Galaxy Times

With one member of the Emperor's so called "Alliance of Evil" defeated (and perhaps the most infamous) the question now posed to the Empire is, who is next? It's hard to say, each of these so called "Empires" is well deserving of a paid visit by the men in the white armor.

The Klingon Empire is a large but planet poor, interstellar wasteland of an Empire, yet their government, led by an insane man who considers himself a "Great Leader" has been preaching the death and destruction of any Imperial force that engages their ships.

The Romulan Star Empire has remained quiet throughout the conflict, although it is said that Star Destroyers have fired upon ships on the Romulan side of the border with the Federation. The Romulans have seen a change in government policy the last few years, with the hard liners having less influence ont he government while moderates have slowly risen to prominence.

What we do know though is that the GALACTIC Empire is the remaining superpower in knwon space, and if we so wanted to we could go in and kick the poodoo out of those third rate systems.

Grand Admiral Thrawn, the first alien Sectretary of Def..errrr....Grand Admiral went on record saying that "we shouldn't best hasty" and "the last thing we need is another Rebellion."

*page flip, article rambling on........*

Averam Red Wings set to take on Delaya Stars in 2nd Round

*page flip*

Scientists Report, Wookie Bile cures male pattern baldness in 27 different species. Harvesting to commence shortly.....

*flip*

(Aight aight, this isn't doing, even the latest strip of "Stank Rodian, Bounty Hunter" isn't entertaining. time to switch...)

GALACTIC INQUIRER

"MON MOTHMA, CHEWBACCA SEX SCANDAL! TORRID AFFAIR CAUGHT IN FULL HOLO!"

"FEDERATION INFORMATION MINISTER PART OF JEDI PLOT TO SUBVERT EMPIRE!"

"LANDO CALRISSIAN GAY? LOBOT TELLS ALL!"

(Whiskey Tango Foxtrot)


**************

Holonews Network reports that several of the Federation Fugitives have been taken into custody. So far the most elsuive has urned out to be the infamous Minister of Disinformation.

The latest development in that manhunt, rumors that the minister has escaped across the Federation border into Ferengi territory.

Oddly enough news about the war has become uninteresting to most people nowadays save for the hunt for the Information minister, whose true name is not known for sure. The minister claims that his name is "Belhelmut, Eldest God of Endowment," But a copy of his personal file obtained from Federation records lists his name as "Pete", with no surname given.

Darth Fanboy wrote: *page flip*

Scientists Report, Wookie Bile cures male pattern baldness in 27 different species. Harvesting to commence shortly.....

<snip>

GALACTIC INQUIRER

"MON MOTHMA, CHEWBACCA SEX SCANDAL! TORRID AFFAIR CAUGHT IN FULL HOLO!"

"FEDERATION INFORMATION MINISTER PART OF JEDI PLOT TO SUBVERT EMPIRE!"

"LANDO CALRISSIAN GAY? LOBOT TELLS ALL!"

(Whiskey Tango Foxtrot)

LMAO! Wookie bile cures male pattern baldness. Mothma-Chewie sex scandal! Lando Gay! HAHAHAHAHHAHA

Seriously, this is some good shit, keep it up (or else )

We'll it is time to end this fic. Entertaining though it was. I'll be holding a contest to see who can come up with the best ending for the tragic Saga of Pete, the Federation Minister of Information.

PM Me with your suggestion and the winning entry will actually be installed as the final part of this saga.

i'd liek to thank the people that read this and for those who want more, I'm sorry but there is no new war news anymore thats funny. Now with Baghdad Bob in hiding (no I'm not!) and the lack of Iraqi army left I think its time to get back to Planet of Dying Dreams.

u guys kick ass.

Aww. No more Imperial News?
*wails*
Would begging convince you to continue?
Just kidding. Good work bud, cant wait to read more of your work

Theres nothing new to write about! The War ended for all practical purposes and Im out of material.