Ah yes, I finally refound the funniest B5 fanfic I've ever read. Here are some quotes from this rare jewel:
Outside the Star Furies are beamed into the Borg Vessel. The Pilots sit there looking scared when the Borg Collective speaks: "Your resistance is hopeless. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. If you do not cooperate we will destroy your ships."
The pilots talk to each other, basically asking things like "huh?" Borg Drones stomp up towards the Star Furies. A Borg is about to take off the forward screen; but the pilot fires the lasers, blowing the Borg through a wall. Other pilots do the same, and then take off and fly for the wall of the Borg Cube. The Star Fury pilots try to break out by unloading all the weapons into the wall, but it doesn't even crack.
Pilot 1: uh, what do we do man!? WHAT DO WE DO!?!?
Pilot 2: I don't know man!! I DON'T KNOW!!!
Pilot 3: Chill out! Sheridan will get us out, and if not him, then Ivanova.
Pilot 2: Oh good, our fate lies in the hands of the world's crankiest Russian!
Narn Borg Drone: (grabs a Centari) MUST KILL!! (raises hand with sharp spinning things) NO!! ..must assimilate.. (raises hand with injection tubules) kill..(hand with sharp spinning things) ..no, assimilate..(hand with tubules)--back and forth for a little while; then "Ah what the heck? (assimilates one Centari and kills another)
Ivanova finishes loading the missile in when a Borg tries to grab her. She jumps out of the way and dodges another Borg.
Ivanova: uhm.. nice Borg? Good Borg?
Borg Collective: Good is irrelevant. Nice is irrelevant. And before you ask all other adjectives are also irrelevant.
Ivanova: (backing away from a few drones) I don't mean to pry, but is anything relevant?
Borg Collective: hmmm.. Species 8472, that's about it.
Ivanova: (dodges assimilation tubules) What is species 8472?
Borg Collective: None of your d*mn business, now shut up and be assimilated.
Sheridan: Any plans on how to beat the Borg?
Garibaldi: We blast 'em to bits with this super-cannon.
Sheridan: and if we miss with this cannon?
Garibaldi: We blow a hole in the station 25 feet wide.
Sheridan: Any other way?
Garibaldi: We risk going at them with large swords and knives.
Sheridan: And the Cube?
Garibaldi: ...hmm, Vorlon planet killer'd do it.
Sheridan: Oh, sure we'll just ask Kosh nicely if he'll loan us one!
Garibaldi: It's our only shot, give it a try.....
Sheridan turns around and Kosh is conveniently there.
Sheridan: Kosh, old buddy old pal, there's a huge cube threatening to destroy the station. May we borrow a planet killer.
Kosh: when the writer places the story in the 3rd season, the planet killers have not yet shown up.
Sheridan: D*MN.
A Borg walks up to Kosh and sticks him with the injection tubules, having no visible effect.
Borg: hmmm?
Borg2: are you sure you did it right? Try it again.
The Borg sticks Kosh again, then the 2nd Borg tries it, then a 3rd and a 4th. Kosh attracts a large crowd of Borg taking turns trying to assimilate him.
Borg: stick, stick
Borg2: Are you sure you're doing right?
Borg3: stick, stick yeah, I'm fairly sure...
Kosh: Forever will you be stumped if you refuse to think.
Borg23: do we really want to assimilate this dude?
Borg9: Sure, just look at that encounter suit! It is WICKED!
Borg23: true, proceed.
Kosh uses some kind of phsyonic blast thing to toss the Borg around.
Borg Collective: Perhaps we should pass on this idea for now.
The Borg stomp off and Kosh glides away smugly with about 280 assimilation tubule holes in his suit.
Garibaldi: What's that?
Sheridan: It appears to be a Borg wearing a nightcap.
Delenn: They assimilated Marcus!!!!
Sheridan: Why would they want to?
Marcus pops out of the ceiling and clubs a Borg to Death with his fighting pike. Then Ivanova hops in with a sword and slices up a Borg. Marcus clubs another and Ivanova cuts another one down.
Sheridan: Ivanova! How could you possibly have escaped!?!?
Ivanova: What can I say? I'm the writer's favorite.
Marcus: Captain, I just realized, the Borg didn't adapt to physical attacks!
Sheridan: why.. you're right! That's great! Thanks Drall!
Marcus: rrrrrrrr!!!! That's it! I'm singing!
Franklin: HIT THE DECK!!!
Marcus: I am the very model of a modern major general. I've information, animal, vegetable and mineral. I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical. From Maryland to Torteloo in order categorical. I'm also well acquainted with matters mathematical. Backed with binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news! With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!
The crew is clutching their ears and screaming, even the Borg have started to back away.
Sheridan: That's it! we have Marcus sing some more and we'll beat the Borg that way!
Franklin: Is it worth it? I mean, the losses we'd suffer!
Delenn: Yes, which is the lesser evil?
Garibaldi: d*mn that's a tough one.......
Sheridan: Ok, anyone have any ideas at all?
Marcus: well, I have the Borg distracted, I put my nightcap on one of them and they've been trying to assimilate it.
Pretty funny