StarDestroyer.Net BBS

I've been working on this for some time, and I have yet to have a title. But here goes, please don't be offended by the horrible stench.

Robert strode through the decks of the White Fury, one of the few Ark Royal cruisers still in military use. It was still so new to Robert, a mechwarrior. He was a ground breaking Khan the first mechwarrior khan in all of the Clan Snow Raven’s history, and his SaKhan was the second elemental in history to hold the junior Khan ship.
Walking into the bridge he saw the silent efficency that marked a Snow Raven ship. With centuries of experience as the best, and only, naval super power in the clans they far out-matched any other clan. However with every power came a price, the mechwarriors and ground elementals were so far outmatched by the other clans ground forces that even Robert, one of the best of the mechwarriors of Snow Raven, was outmatched by a decent mechwarrior in most other clans.
His SaKhan Teo Ferruci was already sitting in his deck chair, he looked at Robert’s entrance and merely nodded. Star Admiral Gregory Mckenna saluted Robert and said, “My khan, operations are ready to begin, you only need to give the command.” As he said this he turned the top chair of the three command chairs to Robert, offering it as a seat for him. “Are you not the commander of this fleet?” Replied Robert.
“Yes sir, however tradition dictates that the Khan be the one to issue the jump order in a battle fleet which will carry him to battle.”
“Good then, you give the order, the Drop Ship Valiant Strike is carrying me in, this ship, on the other hand, will be carrying you into battle”
Gregory McKenna was in fact Robert’s, and for that matter Teo’s, friend. He had been picked as a SubKhan, a now mostly honorific posistion which was used in the older days when HPGs had not been so widely spread. Back then Khans needed people who would speak for them while they were going to battle, or returning to Lum fast as they could, but now it was a posts in which top friends were appointed to show favor. Or, as in Robert’s case, a move to save his political Ass.
“Fine my khan, thank you for the honor.”
The fleet was heading towards the world of Marshall, they were planning a quadruple trial taking Fire Mandrill, Steel Viper, Jade Falcon, and Star Adder belongings there. And they were also twisting the arms of the Ice Hellions, and Diamod Sharks to keep them from trying any funny business after the ravens consolidated their holdings.
In order to take most of this world Robert had pulled together two galaxies, mostly of front line units, bidding was restricted so that they would not go in overly weak.
“We’re ready my Khan,” interrupted the Admiral.
“Good.” Robert replied.
Gregory smiled, nodded at Teo, who smirked, and then hit a button on the arm rest of his chair. Two chimes went off through out the ship. And then suddenly the Jump, Robert felt the world snap like a rubber band around his head, the whole world condensing to a single point. Then it snapped right back out, and Robert prepared himself for the second jump. It didn’t come.
Out of one of the consoles a single tech broke the silence, “Oh shit.”

Dang it, How am I supposed to get better without advice, or at least some feedback?

It seems good, but I'm finding it hard to read, what with the lack of spacing. That could be improved upon.

Otherwise, good.

Right, update, I have had this and another chapter sitting around here since april, so here ye go, expect the other one later this week (it needs edits, and so does this probably)



Teo watched as Robert paced madly around the Holo-Tank. He was a very devoted khan, you had to give him that, but in times of crisis when he wasn’t on the ground engaging in battle he often became incoherent, and harmful to the clan. That was bad, but he also knew his place was inferior to that of a Star Admiral in space, so he hadn’t done anything rash, yet. He would though, unless you showed him what to do, step by step, or until he was showed a planet, then his true genius would show.

Interrupting Teo’s brooding thoughts a scientist came slowly in, followed by Greg who had his always present face of stone. “My khans, there are problems. According to Dr. Thorne here, we’ve uh gone back in time.”

The Scientist called up a three dimensional map of the galaxy, filling the holo-tank, and giving distances between the stars. “My Khans, if you look at the map you will see where we were supposed to jump too after the jump, and if you call up this map here, you will see the telescopic data we have gathered about where we are now. Now if we overlay the maps, you can see they are nothing alike. However if you do search for a match, we find one here.” With that the two maps slid, until there was only one rough map.

"There are, however, a few problems with this map. Firstly planets and stars are missing from the telescopic data, secondly we jumped hundreds of light years, we are now 65 light years from Mother Earth. Finally, the map shows the stars as they were roughly seven hundred years ago.”

The effect was almost immediately noticeable on Robert, his despondent attitude gone, he came over started inspecting the hologram closely.

“Anyway to get back?”

“Not as of yet, my Khan, large K-F jumps have been known to trigger wormholes, and this one probably did too, but it will take weeks to develop, and then will only be big enough for us to go through for a few days.”

“Rightio then, have your Jump-ship stay here, update us daily. Admiral, this star here, is it habitable?”

“Yes my khan, it has a small habitable planetoid within the system.”

“Prepare to jump there immediately, Teo prepare a star of elementals, you’re going on trip.”

Interesting. I don't know much about the Snow Ravens, but you've set up a rather intriguing situation for them.

Gotta work on the grammar though, it's distracting.

BTW, if anyone can suggest a title I'd be more then appreciative.



John Dyson stared through the telescope at the stars, they were so beautiful, with ships traveling between them. He wanted nothing more then to be on one of those ships, just like his father was. Suddenly the star he was studying went away, looking up from the telescope he couldn’t see anything in the way, and his mother was still cleaning up the camp site. After looking both ways he put his eye back to the telescope, and adjusted the focus, if his mother found out she was going to kill him, but this was interesting!

After adjusting the view his mouth made an O, and out of his lips escaped a little “wow.” Right there in front of his eye were more ships then he’d ever seen, even in books! Just when he thought there couldn’t be more, more slowly faded in. They were like nothing he’d ever seen before too, most were long and spindly with big egg shaped things beneath them, but some were big, thick, majestic, and only had a few, if any, eggs attached to them. Even cooler, two of the eggs dropped away from the shipped, turned, and started speeding away from the spines, and they looked like they could be coming to the planet.

This time he was much madder, here he was watching the coolest thing that he had ever seen, and his mother had just put the lens cap back on his antique telescope.

“MOM! I was watching something!” he shouted, here he was, eight years old, and his mother was treating him like he was five, this would not stand!

“I know Hun, the stars are beautiful aren’t they?”

“Mom, there were ships!”

His mother had just put the telescope back into its case, it wasn’t coming out now, but he had to keep trying.

“I know Johnny, they go between the stars, there are lots of them you know, next time one comes here we can go on one, okay?”

“But mom, they were here, and they weren’t like the ships Daddy serves on, they were different, and cool looking!”

His mom chuckled, and messed up his hair, “And they say you don’t have an imagination! Now take your pack, and come on, we’re going back down.”

Angrilly he walked with her into the cave, stood on the ‘porter pad, admiring the four shuttles that were also in the cave. Tapping her badge his mother said, “Charley, two to beam down.” And then the cave was lost in the light.

Kuja wrote: Gotta work on the grammar though, it's distracting.

How so? (not attacking, just curious)

Well, originally, you weren't using commas in a lot of sentences that needed them, but you seem to have mostly fixed it.

I KNEW it was gonna be Feds vs. Btechs.

For a name, how about "Frozen Claws"?

Right, I have the next chapter (it was originally going to be one chapter with this one) mostly done, but due to it not panning out as I would have hopped I'm going to re-write it before I post it.
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The universe was one in Greg’s mind, he could see, hear, smell everything going on right now. But slowly, as always, it all slipped away, but something remained. He could see the person looking at them from the planet, and that meant trouble.

“We have been spotted.” He called out to no one in particular. He had a gift that few others had, he could retain information that you had during a jump, after a jump, though it was often just a little, like now, it could be worth quite a lot.
In the view screen on his right arm-pad Khan Glass could be seen in his drop ship. “What was that, Greg?”

”We have been seen my Khan.”

“Oh, right then. Release docking clamps.”

In front of one of the bridge terminals in the Ark Royal battle ship, a tech called out, “Docking clamps released.”

Ten seconds later the Khan said, “Docking clamps, away. Right then, see you in a couple days Greg, keep me posted.”

On his left pad he could see the indicators for two drop ships cutting away from the fleet, and heading at 2G acceleration towards the planetoid, which was really just a big moon stuck between two gas giants. With no un-identified ships in the neighborhood, Greg just reclined in his chair, enjoying the nice serenity that he had now.