X2 - the parody ... (Spoilers. BIG spoilers.)
Posted: 2003-05-15 08:01am
X2 - the parody.
by Adrian Tullberg.
Be warned.
INT - the White House.
NIGHTCRAWLER beats up the entire Secret Service in less than three minutes!
NIGHTCRAWLER
Ha! For the Germans, it is alvays third time lucky!
INT - the X Mansion
WOLVERINE appears on screen
FEMALE AUDIENCE
Get Your top off!
STORM appears on screen
MALE AUDIENCE
What they said!
They don't.
EVERYONE
SHIT!
CYCLOPS enters.
WOLVERINE
Hey, red eye, those crabs cleared up yet?
CYCLOPS
Go fill up my bike.
CYCLOPS tries to look manly.
CYCLOPS (cont'd)
Bitch.
WOLVERINE
Where do they keep the sugar ... ?
WOLVERINE catches up with XAVIER in CEREBRO.
XAVIER
WOlverine, in an effort to appear socially conscious, either put out your cigar or spend the rest of the film thinking you're a twelve year old Vietnemese prostitute.
WOLVERINE
You're serious?
XAVIER
I'll have Jean pimp you out. Look, it's a good way to show off your healing factor to everyone else who hasn't seen the first film, so put it out or the next words out of your mouth will be 'Sucky sucky ten dorrar'.
WOLVERINE does so, trying to emote pain.
XAVIER
Jesus Christ, I thought you were the tough guy in these films.
WOLVERINE
Just trying to show off my sensitive side ... a 'Kate and Leopold' doesn't come along every day you know.
XAVIER (pulls out tape recorder)
Memo to self: find out root cause of Meg Ryan's irrational attraction for Australian/New Zealand men, and reformat brain.
WOLVERINE
While you're at it, gonna check out Catherine Zeta-Jones?
XAVIER
I'm only qualified for software. Now check this out.
CEREBRO actives, showing every single mutant on the planet.
XAVIER
Now I can use this to track down irrational Germans ...
WOLVERINE
Gotta be alot more specific than that ...
XAVIER
Okay ... blue German mutants who've tried to kill the President in the last few hours ... but I have to be careful. IF I CONCENTRATE TOO HARD - I MIGHT KILL HIM.
WOLVERINE
Very sutble foreshadowing there Chuck.
XAVIER
Found him! Notice how useful Cerebro is if used responsibily. Hey, wanna see the population of Utah do the Macarena?
WOLVERINE
Cool.
INT - White House
STRYKER
Ah, Senator Kelly. I can't say I agreed with your reversal on the Mutant Registration Act, but I love your new Revlon commercials.
KELLY
Thank you! And I love your assistant's hair, what shampoo does she use?
PRESIDENT
Er ... anyway ... Stryker here was just briefing me on this school ...
STRYKER
Mutant Training Camp!
PRESIDENT
... that he wants to hit.
STRYKER
Detain for questioning.
PRESIDENT
Whatever.
KELLY
Just watch out for the stairs, they get slippery this time of year.
STRYKER
Whu?
KELLY
Ah .. I mean, you can't do this! It's a school?
STRYKER
With it's own jet?
KELLY
Have you seen how much it costs to send your kids to one of these? We know they're not spending it on teacher's salaries.
PRESIDENT
That's enough. go find that freak.
STRYKER
I'll find the mutant ...
PRESIDENT
I don't give a rat's ass he's mutant, I care that he's German! I think he was trying to audition me for one of their porn films ...
INT - Magneto's Cell.
STRYKER
Well well? How are you?
MAGNETO
Oh fine, can't complain.
STRYKER
Huh? The constant humiliation, no privacy, and the guard who looks like he came straight from the set of Deliverance?
MAGNETO
I was in the British public school system.
STRYKER
Curses! Oh well, time to use the mind control stuff again ...
INT - Xavier's mansion - kitchen - night
WOLVERINE's in the kitchen with ICEMAN
WOLVERINE
Where's the booze?
ICEMAN
This is a school. With a mindreading headmaster. The last time I had an impure thought, Xavier turned me into a transexual hooker named Clarice.
WOLVERINE
He's really hung up about that prostitute theme, isn't he?
ICEMAN
I spent three hours trying to convince Ron Jeremy to give me a part in one of his films.
WOLVERINE
Oh.
ICEMAN
Only got scale, too.
INT - Magneto's prison
XAVIER
Hey bitch, picked up any soap yet?
MAGNETO
No, I just walk ... maybe run ... or skip ... but mostly walk, just because I feel like it ... over to my taxpayer funded ensuite shower. Tell me, how much does a mansion full of teenagers cost you in heating and food?
XAVIER
Shut up - you know anything about freaky blue Germans?
MAGNETO
No ... internet ... connection ... here ...
XAVIER
Whu ... uh ...
Despite being THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL TELEPATH, XAVIER is caught COMPLETELY BY SURPRISE and goes down.
CYCLOPS
oKAY! Cyclops to the rescue!
And a JAPANESE CHICK beats the crap out of him.
CYCLOPS
... dang ...
Meanwhile, SPEC OPS soldiers on loan from Tom Clancy's latest novel sneak into the mansion.
WOLVERINE
Shame Rogue was kicked out of her home.
ICEMAN
You know, I found that really weird ... I would have thought having a teenage daughter that a boy couldn't touch without dying would be a father's wet dream ...
WOLVERINE
I thought she came from one of those Southern States ... ?
ICEMAN
Oh, now it makes sense ...
A soldier bursts into the kitchen and wrestles Wolverine
WOLVERINE
Okay! I'll just use my adamantium coated skull to knock this guy into next week ...
BRYAN SINGER
Hang on! We're under contract with Marvel to cameo as many mutants as possible!
WOLVERINE pushes the soldier around until some redhead SCREAMS and another RUNS THROUGH WALLS.
BRYAN SINGER
Okay, now you can kill them!
WOLVERINE starts carving up soldiers
STRYKER
Uh oh, Clancy's gonna be pissed ... hey Wolverine! Long time no see!
ROGUE
Wolverine! You can't fight them all!
WOLVERINE
Yes I can! Haven't you read my title? I go through this many highly trained soldiers in the first two pages!
ICEMAN
Dude this is the movies! You had your hands full with a blue chick who watched the Matrix!
WOLVERINE
Uh oh.
WOLVERINE, ROGUE, ICEMAN and ANAKIN ... sorry, PYRO head to the garage. They stop by the BRAND NEW METALLIC BLUE Mazda RX-8 SPORTS CAR with SPORTY INTERIOR. ROGUE lies on the hood, rubbing her hand over the surface, WOLVERINE gets behind the wheel and looks very manly, and ICEMAN and PYRO use their UNWORTHY TOUNGES to lick any impurites that the tyres might have picked up from the road.
STRYKER
Did you catch Wolverine?
SOLDIER
No SIR! Our millions of dollars in military equipment, satellite assisted tracking technology and state of the art weaponry was NO MATCH for the RX-8's AGGRESSIVE STYLING and ROTARY ENGINE! SIR!
EXT - on the road
PYRO attempts to turn on the radio
PYRO
Wouldn't this be a good way to pad out the soundtrack album with a rockin' techno track?
WOLVERINE
Sorry - what wasn't picked up by the Matrix and their sequels was snatched by xXx. There's some N'sync ...
PYRO
And they call us genetic freaks ...
INT - secret laboratory
STRYKER
Wakey wakey! I've attached a little gadget to your head - attempt to use your telepathy, and you'll download the reviews for every odd-numbered Trek film and Nemesis directly into your cerebral cortex. Now, pay attention to my exposition. I'm making a Korean knock off of your Cerebro room, and intend to use you to KILL EVERY MUTANT ON THE PLANET!
XAVIER
Someone's insecure about their small dick, aren't they?
STRYKER
Shut up! Now I'll leave you alone with my mind controlling son! Notice the irony of my having a mutant for a son coupled with my irrational hatred ...
The DOOR SLAMS
XAVIER
Okay ... I taught this kid ... I can resist for a while, pretend to be taken over ... and once they remove this thing from my head, I can make every person in a mile radius my bitch ...
SRYAN SINGER
Er, sorry ... you get taken over, then used to kill every mutant on the planet.
XAVIER
What? I'm the world's most powerful telepath! Does that mean I have to bend over and take it from this comatose Mastermind knock-off? I'm a trained Shakespearian actor for Christ's sake!
INT - Bar
A totally HOT BLONDE hits on the REDNECK GUARD - telling the audience SOMETHING IS HORRIBLY WRONG. All is revealed when MYSTIQUE knocks him out and INJECTS him with liquid metal.
INT - Iceman's home
ICEMAN: Mom, Dad ... I'm not really a honor roll student at an exclusive school for geniuses ... I'm a mutant.
ICEMAN'S DAD: Then what the hell are we shelling out forty grand a year for?
ICEMAN'S MOM: Son ... have you tried ... not being a mutant?
ICEMAN: Why the hell would I do that? All leather uniform ... cool 'outsider yet powerful' status ... recuring mini-series ...
ICEMAN'S BROTHER: This sucks! I want my own inconsistent series! I'm calling the cops!
PYRO: I'm a living flamethrower, his brother can freeze dry him, and his girlfriend's a virtual vampire ... does he want to die?
ICEMAN's DAD: I dropped him a lot when he was a baby ... I was going through my Harlem Globetrotters phase ...
INT - Magneto's Cell
GUARD: Ready to get something into you?
MAGNETO: I think I'll get something out of you ...
The GUARD rises into the air, and the BLOOD IS RIPPED FROM his body. MAGNETO then starts carving up the assorted guards.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN THE FIRST FILM
Hang on ... since when does he need metal to fly?
MAGNETO
No I didn't!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN THE FIRST FILM
Yes! you clearly flew in the first one!
MAGNETO
Er ... look! Pyro's going to do something!
EXT - Iceman's house
Police STORM the house, knocking out WOLVERINE with a single bullet.
PYRO
Okay! My turn to do something cool!
He starts setting fire to things ... because it's his thing.
ROGUE
Hey! I get to do something too!
ROGUE steals his power and turns off the fires. JEAN and STORM arrive and pick up the four mutants, and are challenged by FIGHTER JETS
STORM
Er ... guess that painting the Iraqi flag on the side wasn't such a good idea, hey fellas? Don't worry, I'll fix it!
STORM creates several tornadoes at once in a small area, downing the fighter planes, but is still hit by a missile. However, they head straight towards where MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE are walking.
EXT - Clearing
MAGNETO
Stryker has developed a version of Cerebro that will pinpoint every mutant on Earth ... then download Halle Berry's 'Do you know what a toad ...' line AND her Oscar acceptance speech on an infinite loop simaltaneously into their brains. It'll keep going until their lower colon leaps up their abdomen and throttles the brain in a mercy killing.
EVERYONE SHUDDERS
WOLVERINE
Er ... is there a change of pants in the jet? There are some things a healing factor just can't deal with.
STORM
Whatever. Let's get a good night's sleep before attacking the secret base, okay?
WOLVERINE
Hey Jean ... chances are the love of your life is buried somewhere in Jersey, whaddya say?
JEAN
What a romantic.
WOLVERINE
C'mon ... I'm ruff, tough, and the old Healing Factor(TM) means I can go all night.
JEAN
That's hardly .. all night?
WOLVERINE
Every night.
JEAN
Ah ... er ... no! I have to stay true to ... you know, the guy with the red glasses.
MYSTIQUE
Excuse me ... all night?
WOLVERINE
Hmm ... might be interesting ... could cement my bad boy characteristic ...
MYSTIQUE transforms into JEAN, STORM, ROGUE and WILLIAM STRYKER
WOLVERINE
Look, if I went into wierd military guys, Swordfish would have had a whole different ending, okay?
MYSTIQUE
Works for Magneto ...
WOLVERINE
I don't care! And I didn't want to know! The magic is over!
INT - Blackbird Jet - next day
STORM
Those guys are stealing all the screentime. Us Oscar winners gotta stick together.
ROGUE
At least I didn't have to show my tits to get mine ...
STORM
What?
ROGUE
Er ... look, all you need is a subplot! Just try and bond with that wierd blue German ...
STORM
Well ... I did work with Billy Bob Thornton ...
WOLVERINE
Pyro - back at Boddy's house, you did something dangerous and irresponsible with your powers. There's only room for one dangerous maverick in this francise. So you suck.
PYRO
Hang on - I use flames - FLAMES - to stop those cops, but none of them are dead or seriously injured. Doesn't that say something about my self control?
JEAN
I don't care - you suck.
STORM
Er, shouldn't we stop one of our students sitting next to the powerful and dangerous mutant terrorist?
WOLVERINE
Sorry, This seat's got a prime view of Jean's ass - and I'm staying put.
STORM
Look, since we're involved in flying this thing ...
WOLVERINE
I'm here, her ass is there. End of story.
STORM
Just two minutes. Get Pyro to sit next to ...
WOLVERINE
Ass - here!
MAGNETO
So tell me young man - do you watch ... gladiator movies?
PYRO
Sorry?
MAGNETO
Ah ... so, ever thought about joining the forces of evil? Cool dialogue and catchphrases, hanging around naked blue supermodels if you're so inclined, full medical and dental ...
PYRO
Dental?
MYSTIQUE
Just say the word, and your smile will be just as bright as Tom Wellings.
PYRO (awe inspired whisper)
Tom Wellings?
PYRO, MYSTIQUE and MAGNETO give a heartfelt sigh.
MAGNETO
Either you join us, or you get less screen time than Jean's red-eyed butt monkey.
INT - Super Secret Military base - day
XAVIER is trying to resist
XAVIER
Must .. not ... kill ... all ... mutants
WIERD GUY IN WHEELCHAIR
Don't you find it strange that you're a trained and experienced Shakespearian actor, and Halle Berry gets a 'Best ...' Oscar before you do?
XAVIER
The fuckers die.
***
To Be Continued ...
by Adrian Tullberg.
Be warned.
INT - the White House.
NIGHTCRAWLER beats up the entire Secret Service in less than three minutes!
NIGHTCRAWLER
Ha! For the Germans, it is alvays third time lucky!
INT - the X Mansion
WOLVERINE appears on screen
FEMALE AUDIENCE
Get Your top off!
STORM appears on screen
MALE AUDIENCE
What they said!
They don't.
EVERYONE
SHIT!
CYCLOPS enters.
WOLVERINE
Hey, red eye, those crabs cleared up yet?
CYCLOPS
Go fill up my bike.
CYCLOPS tries to look manly.
CYCLOPS (cont'd)
Bitch.
WOLVERINE
Where do they keep the sugar ... ?
WOLVERINE catches up with XAVIER in CEREBRO.
XAVIER
WOlverine, in an effort to appear socially conscious, either put out your cigar or spend the rest of the film thinking you're a twelve year old Vietnemese prostitute.
WOLVERINE
You're serious?
XAVIER
I'll have Jean pimp you out. Look, it's a good way to show off your healing factor to everyone else who hasn't seen the first film, so put it out or the next words out of your mouth will be 'Sucky sucky ten dorrar'.
WOLVERINE does so, trying to emote pain.
XAVIER
Jesus Christ, I thought you were the tough guy in these films.
WOLVERINE
Just trying to show off my sensitive side ... a 'Kate and Leopold' doesn't come along every day you know.
XAVIER (pulls out tape recorder)
Memo to self: find out root cause of Meg Ryan's irrational attraction for Australian/New Zealand men, and reformat brain.
WOLVERINE
While you're at it, gonna check out Catherine Zeta-Jones?
XAVIER
I'm only qualified for software. Now check this out.
CEREBRO actives, showing every single mutant on the planet.
XAVIER
Now I can use this to track down irrational Germans ...
WOLVERINE
Gotta be alot more specific than that ...
XAVIER
Okay ... blue German mutants who've tried to kill the President in the last few hours ... but I have to be careful. IF I CONCENTRATE TOO HARD - I MIGHT KILL HIM.
WOLVERINE
Very sutble foreshadowing there Chuck.
XAVIER
Found him! Notice how useful Cerebro is if used responsibily. Hey, wanna see the population of Utah do the Macarena?
WOLVERINE
Cool.
INT - White House
STRYKER
Ah, Senator Kelly. I can't say I agreed with your reversal on the Mutant Registration Act, but I love your new Revlon commercials.
KELLY
Thank you! And I love your assistant's hair, what shampoo does she use?
PRESIDENT
Er ... anyway ... Stryker here was just briefing me on this school ...
STRYKER
Mutant Training Camp!
PRESIDENT
... that he wants to hit.
STRYKER
Detain for questioning.
PRESIDENT
Whatever.
KELLY
Just watch out for the stairs, they get slippery this time of year.
STRYKER
Whu?
KELLY
Ah .. I mean, you can't do this! It's a school?
STRYKER
With it's own jet?
KELLY
Have you seen how much it costs to send your kids to one of these? We know they're not spending it on teacher's salaries.
PRESIDENT
That's enough. go find that freak.
STRYKER
I'll find the mutant ...
PRESIDENT
I don't give a rat's ass he's mutant, I care that he's German! I think he was trying to audition me for one of their porn films ...
INT - Magneto's Cell.
STRYKER
Well well? How are you?
MAGNETO
Oh fine, can't complain.
STRYKER
Huh? The constant humiliation, no privacy, and the guard who looks like he came straight from the set of Deliverance?
MAGNETO
I was in the British public school system.
STRYKER
Curses! Oh well, time to use the mind control stuff again ...
INT - Xavier's mansion - kitchen - night
WOLVERINE's in the kitchen with ICEMAN
WOLVERINE
Where's the booze?
ICEMAN
This is a school. With a mindreading headmaster. The last time I had an impure thought, Xavier turned me into a transexual hooker named Clarice.
WOLVERINE
He's really hung up about that prostitute theme, isn't he?
ICEMAN
I spent three hours trying to convince Ron Jeremy to give me a part in one of his films.
WOLVERINE
Oh.
ICEMAN
Only got scale, too.
INT - Magneto's prison
XAVIER
Hey bitch, picked up any soap yet?
MAGNETO
No, I just walk ... maybe run ... or skip ... but mostly walk, just because I feel like it ... over to my taxpayer funded ensuite shower. Tell me, how much does a mansion full of teenagers cost you in heating and food?
XAVIER
Shut up - you know anything about freaky blue Germans?
MAGNETO
No ... internet ... connection ... here ...
XAVIER
Whu ... uh ...
Despite being THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL TELEPATH, XAVIER is caught COMPLETELY BY SURPRISE and goes down.
CYCLOPS
oKAY! Cyclops to the rescue!
And a JAPANESE CHICK beats the crap out of him.
CYCLOPS
... dang ...
Meanwhile, SPEC OPS soldiers on loan from Tom Clancy's latest novel sneak into the mansion.
WOLVERINE
Shame Rogue was kicked out of her home.
ICEMAN
You know, I found that really weird ... I would have thought having a teenage daughter that a boy couldn't touch without dying would be a father's wet dream ...
WOLVERINE
I thought she came from one of those Southern States ... ?
ICEMAN
Oh, now it makes sense ...
A soldier bursts into the kitchen and wrestles Wolverine
WOLVERINE
Okay! I'll just use my adamantium coated skull to knock this guy into next week ...
BRYAN SINGER
Hang on! We're under contract with Marvel to cameo as many mutants as possible!
WOLVERINE pushes the soldier around until some redhead SCREAMS and another RUNS THROUGH WALLS.
BRYAN SINGER
Okay, now you can kill them!
WOLVERINE starts carving up soldiers
STRYKER
Uh oh, Clancy's gonna be pissed ... hey Wolverine! Long time no see!
ROGUE
Wolverine! You can't fight them all!
WOLVERINE
Yes I can! Haven't you read my title? I go through this many highly trained soldiers in the first two pages!
ICEMAN
Dude this is the movies! You had your hands full with a blue chick who watched the Matrix!
WOLVERINE
Uh oh.
WOLVERINE, ROGUE, ICEMAN and ANAKIN ... sorry, PYRO head to the garage. They stop by the BRAND NEW METALLIC BLUE Mazda RX-8 SPORTS CAR with SPORTY INTERIOR. ROGUE lies on the hood, rubbing her hand over the surface, WOLVERINE gets behind the wheel and looks very manly, and ICEMAN and PYRO use their UNWORTHY TOUNGES to lick any impurites that the tyres might have picked up from the road.
STRYKER
Did you catch Wolverine?
SOLDIER
No SIR! Our millions of dollars in military equipment, satellite assisted tracking technology and state of the art weaponry was NO MATCH for the RX-8's AGGRESSIVE STYLING and ROTARY ENGINE! SIR!
EXT - on the road
PYRO attempts to turn on the radio
PYRO
Wouldn't this be a good way to pad out the soundtrack album with a rockin' techno track?
WOLVERINE
Sorry - what wasn't picked up by the Matrix and their sequels was snatched by xXx. There's some N'sync ...
PYRO
And they call us genetic freaks ...
INT - secret laboratory
STRYKER
Wakey wakey! I've attached a little gadget to your head - attempt to use your telepathy, and you'll download the reviews for every odd-numbered Trek film and Nemesis directly into your cerebral cortex. Now, pay attention to my exposition. I'm making a Korean knock off of your Cerebro room, and intend to use you to KILL EVERY MUTANT ON THE PLANET!
XAVIER
Someone's insecure about their small dick, aren't they?
STRYKER
Shut up! Now I'll leave you alone with my mind controlling son! Notice the irony of my having a mutant for a son coupled with my irrational hatred ...
The DOOR SLAMS
XAVIER
Okay ... I taught this kid ... I can resist for a while, pretend to be taken over ... and once they remove this thing from my head, I can make every person in a mile radius my bitch ...
SRYAN SINGER
Er, sorry ... you get taken over, then used to kill every mutant on the planet.
XAVIER
What? I'm the world's most powerful telepath! Does that mean I have to bend over and take it from this comatose Mastermind knock-off? I'm a trained Shakespearian actor for Christ's sake!
INT - Bar
A totally HOT BLONDE hits on the REDNECK GUARD - telling the audience SOMETHING IS HORRIBLY WRONG. All is revealed when MYSTIQUE knocks him out and INJECTS him with liquid metal.
INT - Iceman's home
ICEMAN: Mom, Dad ... I'm not really a honor roll student at an exclusive school for geniuses ... I'm a mutant.
ICEMAN'S DAD: Then what the hell are we shelling out forty grand a year for?
ICEMAN'S MOM: Son ... have you tried ... not being a mutant?
ICEMAN: Why the hell would I do that? All leather uniform ... cool 'outsider yet powerful' status ... recuring mini-series ...
ICEMAN'S BROTHER: This sucks! I want my own inconsistent series! I'm calling the cops!
PYRO: I'm a living flamethrower, his brother can freeze dry him, and his girlfriend's a virtual vampire ... does he want to die?
ICEMAN's DAD: I dropped him a lot when he was a baby ... I was going through my Harlem Globetrotters phase ...
INT - Magneto's Cell
GUARD: Ready to get something into you?
MAGNETO: I think I'll get something out of you ...
The GUARD rises into the air, and the BLOOD IS RIPPED FROM his body. MAGNETO then starts carving up the assorted guards.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN THE FIRST FILM
Hang on ... since when does he need metal to fly?
MAGNETO
No I didn't!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN THE FIRST FILM
Yes! you clearly flew in the first one!
MAGNETO
Er ... look! Pyro's going to do something!
EXT - Iceman's house
Police STORM the house, knocking out WOLVERINE with a single bullet.
PYRO
Okay! My turn to do something cool!
He starts setting fire to things ... because it's his thing.
ROGUE
Hey! I get to do something too!
ROGUE steals his power and turns off the fires. JEAN and STORM arrive and pick up the four mutants, and are challenged by FIGHTER JETS
STORM
Er ... guess that painting the Iraqi flag on the side wasn't such a good idea, hey fellas? Don't worry, I'll fix it!
STORM creates several tornadoes at once in a small area, downing the fighter planes, but is still hit by a missile. However, they head straight towards where MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE are walking.
EXT - Clearing
MAGNETO
Stryker has developed a version of Cerebro that will pinpoint every mutant on Earth ... then download Halle Berry's 'Do you know what a toad ...' line AND her Oscar acceptance speech on an infinite loop simaltaneously into their brains. It'll keep going until their lower colon leaps up their abdomen and throttles the brain in a mercy killing.
EVERYONE SHUDDERS
WOLVERINE
Er ... is there a change of pants in the jet? There are some things a healing factor just can't deal with.
STORM
Whatever. Let's get a good night's sleep before attacking the secret base, okay?
WOLVERINE
Hey Jean ... chances are the love of your life is buried somewhere in Jersey, whaddya say?
JEAN
What a romantic.
WOLVERINE
C'mon ... I'm ruff, tough, and the old Healing Factor(TM) means I can go all night.
JEAN
That's hardly .. all night?
WOLVERINE
Every night.
JEAN
Ah ... er ... no! I have to stay true to ... you know, the guy with the red glasses.
MYSTIQUE
Excuse me ... all night?
WOLVERINE
Hmm ... might be interesting ... could cement my bad boy characteristic ...
MYSTIQUE transforms into JEAN, STORM, ROGUE and WILLIAM STRYKER
WOLVERINE
Look, if I went into wierd military guys, Swordfish would have had a whole different ending, okay?
MYSTIQUE
Works for Magneto ...
WOLVERINE
I don't care! And I didn't want to know! The magic is over!
INT - Blackbird Jet - next day
STORM
Those guys are stealing all the screentime. Us Oscar winners gotta stick together.
ROGUE
At least I didn't have to show my tits to get mine ...
STORM
What?
ROGUE
Er ... look, all you need is a subplot! Just try and bond with that wierd blue German ...
STORM
Well ... I did work with Billy Bob Thornton ...
WOLVERINE
Pyro - back at Boddy's house, you did something dangerous and irresponsible with your powers. There's only room for one dangerous maverick in this francise. So you suck.
PYRO
Hang on - I use flames - FLAMES - to stop those cops, but none of them are dead or seriously injured. Doesn't that say something about my self control?
JEAN
I don't care - you suck.
STORM
Er, shouldn't we stop one of our students sitting next to the powerful and dangerous mutant terrorist?
WOLVERINE
Sorry, This seat's got a prime view of Jean's ass - and I'm staying put.
STORM
Look, since we're involved in flying this thing ...
WOLVERINE
I'm here, her ass is there. End of story.
STORM
Just two minutes. Get Pyro to sit next to ...
WOLVERINE
Ass - here!
MAGNETO
So tell me young man - do you watch ... gladiator movies?
PYRO
Sorry?
MAGNETO
Ah ... so, ever thought about joining the forces of evil? Cool dialogue and catchphrases, hanging around naked blue supermodels if you're so inclined, full medical and dental ...
PYRO
Dental?
MYSTIQUE
Just say the word, and your smile will be just as bright as Tom Wellings.
PYRO (awe inspired whisper)
Tom Wellings?
PYRO, MYSTIQUE and MAGNETO give a heartfelt sigh.
MAGNETO
Either you join us, or you get less screen time than Jean's red-eyed butt monkey.
INT - Super Secret Military base - day
XAVIER is trying to resist
XAVIER
Must .. not ... kill ... all ... mutants
WIERD GUY IN WHEELCHAIR
Don't you find it strange that you're a trained and experienced Shakespearian actor, and Halle Berry gets a 'Best ...' Oscar before you do?
XAVIER
The fuckers die.
***
To Be Continued ...