[humor fanfic] The Wayward Uberalliance
Posted: 2002-09-13 09:50pm
Chapter 1
The USS Enterprise floated along at its usual pace - slow, that is. Suddenly....
"Captain Picard," spoke Data from his console. "There is an object approaching at Vector 3424...."
"Stop it, Data! Can't you see that I'm too senile to remember what vectors are? Just point at the damn thing!"
"It is there!" Pointed Data at a corner of the viewscreen.
"Where? Computer, magnify to one trillion times!"
Suddenly various atoms danced across the screen.
"Oh shit! Borg spheres!"
"You senile fool, you magnified the image too much!" spoke Riker. "Computer, 100 times magnification."
The viewscreen then switched back to the blackness of space. Framed by the viewscreen and this starry backdrop was a strange alien probe.
"Sir, the probe is emitting a strange signal."
"What is it saying?"
"Bleeep! Blaah, bloop bleep!"
"Translation?"
"Do I look like a universal translator to you?"
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away....
"Lord Vader, we have found something!"
Suddenly, the door opened, revealing Vader in a crouching and somewhat compromising position with himself.
"You insolent fool! Can't you see that I am busy?!"
The poor Imperial lieutenant then found himself grabbing for his crotch.
"Now, what is so important that it requires my attention?" The sound of a zipper quietly hung in the background. The other Imperial officers looked about nervously.
"Uhhh, one of our Probots found something, sir! It's transmitting its message back!"
On one of the computer screens, the image of the USS Enterprise was revealed.
"Excellent. What is your tactical analysis?"
"They appear to be armed with phasers and photon torpedos."
"Phasers? Photon Torpedos? Those won't even scratch our Navigational Deflectors!"
Everybody around Vader laughed their asses off.
"Now it is time for us to establish a new Empire! Set a course for that galaxy!" Vader then started laughing meniacally. The officers around him were silent.
"Well? Start laughing!"
Everybody around Vader then started laughing nervously as the Executor entered hyperspace.
Chapter 2
"Captain, the probe...is just standing there?"
"Is it still transmitting?"
"Yes, at a more increased rate."
"Hail them! Tell them...we surrender!"
"Surrender for what? It's just a damn probe!"
"Quiet, Mr. Riker! Can't you see I'm trying to keep up my appearance in this fanfic as a senile old fool?"
Suddenly, the Excecutor exited hyperspace in front of the Enterprise
"Sir! They are hailing us!"
"Open all torpedo bays! Fire!"
"Sigh. Open all hailing frequencies, and remember to pick up more of the Captian's medication at the nearest starbase!"
The viewscreen now featured Darth Vader and Captain Peitt on the bridge of their SSD.
"Surrender, you pitiful twerps, or we will destroy you!"
"Wow, what impressive demands!" spoke someone sarcastically.
"Shut the fuck up, Ozzel! You have ridiculed me for the last time!" As the viewscreen switched to an external view of the SSD, Ozzel's lifeless, crushed body floated by. It then hit the navigational deflector of the Enterprise and caused several consoles to explode.
Data spoke from his console, which failed to explode due to his superb character sheilds. "Clearly, they have demonstrated their superior firepower!"
Riker then stood up from his chair, as Picard danced around the bridge spouting more Borg nonesense. "They're gonna get us! They're gonna get us!"
"Would someone please restrain that man! And as for you...we..." he just couldn't muster up the words "we surrender"
"Well?" Spoke Vader impatiently.
"Just give us...say, about...24 hours...I mean, months?"
Vader gave this a thought, then continued. "Why should we...."
"Lord Vader, Palpatine is calling on line 1!"
"Yes, what is it? Can't you see I'm busy! No, not that kind of busy! Yes, very well my master." He then turned back to Riker. "Business elsewhere calls for me. Very well. You have been granted your 24 month stay. In the meantime, I suggest you prepare for life under the Glorious Empire!" Then the Executor hypered away.
"Phew! That was a close one!"
"What do we do now, commander?" asked Data.
"The only thing we can do. It's also the most logical, possible, and easiest thing we can do. Visit every half-assed race in the entire galaxy and build an alliance!"
The USS Enterprise floated along at its usual pace - slow, that is. Suddenly....
"Captain Picard," spoke Data from his console. "There is an object approaching at Vector 3424...."
"Stop it, Data! Can't you see that I'm too senile to remember what vectors are? Just point at the damn thing!"
"It is there!" Pointed Data at a corner of the viewscreen.
"Where? Computer, magnify to one trillion times!"
Suddenly various atoms danced across the screen.
"Oh shit! Borg spheres!"
"You senile fool, you magnified the image too much!" spoke Riker. "Computer, 100 times magnification."
The viewscreen then switched back to the blackness of space. Framed by the viewscreen and this starry backdrop was a strange alien probe.
"Sir, the probe is emitting a strange signal."
"What is it saying?"
"Bleeep! Blaah, bloop bleep!"
"Translation?"
"Do I look like a universal translator to you?"
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away....
"Lord Vader, we have found something!"
Suddenly, the door opened, revealing Vader in a crouching and somewhat compromising position with himself.
"You insolent fool! Can't you see that I am busy?!"
The poor Imperial lieutenant then found himself grabbing for his crotch.
"Now, what is so important that it requires my attention?" The sound of a zipper quietly hung in the background. The other Imperial officers looked about nervously.
"Uhhh, one of our Probots found something, sir! It's transmitting its message back!"
On one of the computer screens, the image of the USS Enterprise was revealed.
"Excellent. What is your tactical analysis?"
"They appear to be armed with phasers and photon torpedos."
"Phasers? Photon Torpedos? Those won't even scratch our Navigational Deflectors!"
Everybody around Vader laughed their asses off.
"Now it is time for us to establish a new Empire! Set a course for that galaxy!" Vader then started laughing meniacally. The officers around him were silent.
"Well? Start laughing!"
Everybody around Vader then started laughing nervously as the Executor entered hyperspace.
Chapter 2
"Captain, the probe...is just standing there?"
"Is it still transmitting?"
"Yes, at a more increased rate."
"Hail them! Tell them...we surrender!"
"Surrender for what? It's just a damn probe!"
"Quiet, Mr. Riker! Can't you see I'm trying to keep up my appearance in this fanfic as a senile old fool?"
Suddenly, the Excecutor exited hyperspace in front of the Enterprise
"Sir! They are hailing us!"
"Open all torpedo bays! Fire!"
"Sigh. Open all hailing frequencies, and remember to pick up more of the Captian's medication at the nearest starbase!"
The viewscreen now featured Darth Vader and Captain Peitt on the bridge of their SSD.
"Surrender, you pitiful twerps, or we will destroy you!"
"Wow, what impressive demands!" spoke someone sarcastically.
"Shut the fuck up, Ozzel! You have ridiculed me for the last time!" As the viewscreen switched to an external view of the SSD, Ozzel's lifeless, crushed body floated by. It then hit the navigational deflector of the Enterprise and caused several consoles to explode.
Data spoke from his console, which failed to explode due to his superb character sheilds. "Clearly, they have demonstrated their superior firepower!"
Riker then stood up from his chair, as Picard danced around the bridge spouting more Borg nonesense. "They're gonna get us! They're gonna get us!"
"Would someone please restrain that man! And as for you...we..." he just couldn't muster up the words "we surrender"
"Well?" Spoke Vader impatiently.
"Just give us...say, about...24 hours...I mean, months?"
Vader gave this a thought, then continued. "Why should we...."
"Lord Vader, Palpatine is calling on line 1!"
"Yes, what is it? Can't you see I'm busy! No, not that kind of busy! Yes, very well my master." He then turned back to Riker. "Business elsewhere calls for me. Very well. You have been granted your 24 month stay. In the meantime, I suggest you prepare for life under the Glorious Empire!" Then the Executor hypered away.
"Phew! That was a close one!"
"What do we do now, commander?" asked Data.
"The only thing we can do. It's also the most logical, possible, and easiest thing we can do. Visit every half-assed race in the entire galaxy and build an alliance!"