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I seemed to have struck some peoples funny bone with my bits of a Star Wars and Star Trek crossover story located in the ST vs SW forum. I have written up 3 pieces there. To read them, so I dont have to reproduce them here, go there: http://bbs.stardestroyer.net/viewtopic.php?t=25364
Look for my posts obviously.

I present part 4:

Citizen Picards Log, stardate 352835. 2624382 - 352.

Commander Riker and the other senior officers are preparing to beam over to Darth Vaders Star Destroyer to view the dissection of Wesley Crusher. Beverly Crusher has been vaporized when Data hid her unconcious body in the Warp Core. This is the largest disappointment for me, I was going to ask her out on Friday night.

(Transporter room)

Data: Energize.
Transporter: Bzzzzzzzmmmmmm.......

(ISD's Bridge)

*Data and crew beams in*
Darth: Welcome to my ship! Where is Commander Riker?
Data: Oh, he'll be over in a bit, he's just sleeping off my fish paste remedy.
Darth: I see.... Well allow me to introduce my command staff. This is Commander Expendable, first name Very.
Expendable: Nice to meet you - ARRRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Darth: Bugger. That console's electrical cable has always been loose.
Data: Fascinating.
Darth: Anyway, this is Lt. Stevens, Lt. Stevens and Ensign Stevens.
Data: They all have the same names?
Darth: Yes, they are promoted stormtroopers.
Worf: Stormtroopers?
Darth: Yes, our main cannon fodder, they are clones.
Data: I see.
Darth: This way to the surgery theatre gentlemen.

(In surgery theatre, a large comfortable room with a big window showing the surgery area, with Wesley strapped to an operating table)

Darth: Please sit down, snacks are on the coffee table.
Data: Thankyou.
Darth: Now, we must wake him for the extraction. (Through microphone) Wake him!
Nurse: Yes sir. *Nurses inject Wesley with stimulant, he wakes up instantly*
Wesley: Wa - Where-- Where am I?
Darth: On my ship Mr Crusher, about to have your brain removed.
Wesley: But WHY!!?
Darth: Commander Riker offered your brain to us for our robots.
Wesley: No! No! I dont believe it!
Darth: Its true!
Wesley: I dont believe you're my father!!!
Darth: Eh?
Wesley: Oh sorry, I was watching Star Wars this morning.
Darth: That sounds like a dumb name for a show. Get ready to operate!
Wesley: No please! Let me speak to Riker!
Data: He's not here, I am the senior officer.
Wesley: Data please, don't do this! I've helped the Enterprise, I've improved her systems! I've been cute in perilous situations! I've been confused about growing up to give plot lines! I havent mentioned puberty once, to conform with censorship! Please spare me!!
Data: I am sorry Wesley, but we all hate you.
Wesley: No! Please!
Data: You may begin the surgery.
*Surgeon moves laser scalpel towards Wesley's head, Wesley is screaming and squirming*
Data: Wait!
Wesley: Oh Data! I knew you'd save me!
Data: Not really, I forgot to tell you that I killed your mother. Continue the surgery.
Wesley: WHAT!!?!
*Scalpel hits his head, blood goes everywhere in between Wesley's girly screams*
Worf: Pass the popcorn.

( 2 hours later )

Worf: (walking out of theatre) Well, that was fun.
Data: Quite entertaining. What did you think Geordi?
Geordi: Not bad, though i wish there was more blood.
Data: Indeed, if he was older, there would have been more.
Darth: If you would come to the robotics lab, they should have finished installing his brain into a robot.

(Robot lab)
Technician: I'm all done, just press the 'on' button there.
Darth: Good, now i'm going to kill you for no reason.
Technician: GAK!
Darth: Now - (steps over Technician's body) - we can see the results of this deal. *presses on button*
TR-889: I am TR-889. Combat droid. Ready to serve.
Darth: Not bad eh? And Wesley's irritating smarts should help this robot on the battlefield.
Geordi: You put his brain into a Combat Droid?? What if Wesley's memories resurface and he seeks revenge?
Darth: Nah, that would never happen.
TR-889: Hey, I'm Wesley! You guys killed me! I'm gonna kill you!
Darth: Darn.
Data: (eyeing Wesley's twin arm mounted blasters) Um, run.

(ISD corridor, Darth and crew and running down corridor, with laser blasts wrecking the corridor around them)

Darth: This is most embarassing, this hasnt happened before.
Data: Have you ever put human brains into robots before?
Darth: Of course we have! It must be the geekiness in him!
Data: Do you have security forces here?
Darth: ( hears screams and looks behind him ) Uh, not really.
Worf: Quick in here! *points to armoured closet*
(Everyone gets in armoured closet and shuts door)
Data: Why do you have armoured closets?
Darth: Damn space moths. They can swallow clothes whole.
Wesley: (from outside) Grrr, where'd they go? Fine, If I cant hurt them I'll hurt their ship!!

(ISD Bridge)

Lt. Stevens: Sir, there is a homocidal robot coming here.
Lt. Stevens: Really? Where is - (Stevens is shot from behind)
Lt. Stevens: Oh dear. He will gain control of the ship! I must stop him, and avoid being shot before I finish this sent---- GAK!

(Enterprise bridge)

Lt. Replacement: Sir! The Star Destroyer is powering up weapon systems!
O' Brien: Red Alert! All hands to battlestations!

Will the adventure continue? Yes it will! Or will it?

Part 5 coming soon.........

Very nice that was most amussing.
Thanks for sharing it with this bbs.

Very funny.

Very good, but I can't stop thinking how Vader is out of character, o well, still good.

Very good, but I can't stop thinking how Vader is out of character, o well, still good.

Everyone is out of character. Of course, since its a humor fanfic, its forgivable.

Jadeite wrote:

Very good, but I can't stop thinking how Vader is out of character, o well, still good.

Everyone is out of character. Of course, since its a humor fanfic, its forgivable.

Who the fuck cares?

Pretty funny, actually....

*bows* Thankyou, thankyou


Disclaimer: I know the the plot line below may not align with established fact, but the Enterprise dying in one shot would sort of shoot down my story, sort of completley.


Part 5:

Commander Rikers Log, stardate 263737.327436 - 373 + 363.

I have more or less recovered from Data's fainting remedy, however it required about 3 hours of non stop vomiting. I will have to think of a way to explain the splattered Lionfish all over my bathroom when the cleaners arrive. I am now sitting down to my dinner.
I am picking up the fork, I am cutting a piece of food, I am now raising it to my mouth, I am now -

O'Brien: (Over comm) Red Alert! All hands to battlestations! The Star Destroyer is powering weapons!

Riker: Hmm, I am beginning to suspect these replicators are tied into the plot line generator.......

(ISD bridge)

Wesley: How do I work this thing? Lets see........... (Wesley looks at the console).....Aha! This should do it! (He presses the 'Intiate revenge on former shipmates' button)

(Enterprise bridge)

(ship rocks from impact)

O' Brien: Report!
Lt. Replacement: Shields at 73%, Deck 4 has lost gravity, Deck 30 has vanished and it's snowing on Deck 56!
O'Brien: Hail them!
Lt. Replacement: Channel open sir!
O'Brien: This is Lt. O'Brien! Cease fire or we will-
Wesley: DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
Lt. Replacement: Sir, they have closed the channel!
O' Brien: Negotiation is not possible, (ship quakes again) we shall have to do our worst!
Lt. Replacement: No sir! You cannot mean!
O' Brien: Yes I do! Its time to use our deadly technobabble and our swiss army knife deflector to neutralize their weapons!!
Bridge Crew: *gasp!!*

(Space)

ISD: I'm very sorry about this, that crazy geek has taken over my systems.
Enterprise: Oh well, its - OW! - understandable, I too have - OUCH! - been taken over by hostiles before.
ISD: If you survive, i'll buy you a glass of antimatter.
Enterprise: Thank - OW!, That was my warp nacelle! - you.
ISD: Uh, no problems. And sorry.

(Enterprise bridge)

Lt. Replacement: Sheilds at 45%, the zoo has reported escaped penguins, and the Volleyball tournament has been cancelled!
O' Brien: Dammit! Is the deflector ready?
Lt. Replacement: Its ready sir.
Riker: (entering bridge) Hold it! I want a space battle! You are relieved Mr. O'Brien!
O' Brien: But sir, the delector would have work-
Riker: Power up the Photon Torpedoes and phasers!
Lt. Neil: Yes sir!
Riker: Where is Lt. Replacement?
Lt. Neil: His name was irritatingly long sir.
Riker: Target their weapons!
Lt. Neil: Which ones sir?
Riker: Uh..... (ship rocks again)
Lt. Neil: Sheilds at 25%!

(ISD Armoured closet)

Worf: Is he gone?
Darth: Yes, but I think you have a new problem.
Data: What?
Darth: I think Wesley has taken over this ship and is trying to destroy yours.
Data: Hmm, well Picard would hold a conference.
Darth: Huh?
Worf: Yes, a critical life threatening situation would always be solved in a conference.
Darth: Well, I think brute force is right here.
Data: No, I think we should try to contact the Enterprise and tell them whats happened, that way they could target and destroy the bridge, leaving the rest of you vessel undamaged. Anyone in agreement?
Worf, Darth and Geordi: I!
Darth: Hang on, did I just agree to wreck my own ship?
Data: Do you have a secret comm relay?
Darth: Yes, its on this map of the ship *reading map* Here it is, Deck 89, section 453 B, room 5738C-E, it's called the ' Secret Comm relay room, 'perfect for escaping prisoners'.
Worf: Isnt that a security problem, having that on a map?
Darth: Goshdarnit! You're right! No wonder the Jedi get away so easy....
Data: Come on! We havent much time!

(ISD Bridge)

Wesley: (deranged) Thats right! Squirm you miserable starship! Squirm!

(Secret Comm Relay Room)
Data: (presses clearly marked button which reads 'Press here to make secret transmission') Data to Enterprise, come in please!
Riker: (Over comm) Data! What do ya think ya doing firing at us? Just because I didnt go to your stupid poetry recital!
Data: It isnt me sir, it is Wesley Crusher. His brain was transplanted into a robot and he has run amok after Wesley's memories resurfaced.
Riker: Oh.
Data: Sir, we cannot get to Crusher, it is imperative that you destroy the Bridge of this ship!
Riker: Oh very good, just like that eh?!
Data: Sir, you must try!
Riker: Fine! BLAM!!!! AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!
Data: Sir? Are you ok?
Riker: No! The helm exploded and I got half a console in my face! (hysterical) And YOU killed the doctor! You imbecile! You worthless hunk of tritanium! You are not fit to captain a sewage shuttle! You - (comm link dies)
Darth: (taking finger off button) Boy, he has problems.
Data: Yes, it must have something to do with that beard. Oh, and Troi.

(Enterprise Bridge)

Lt. Neil: Sir! We've lost our port nacelle!
Riker: (still agitated) You expect me to keep an eye on your things!? Go find it yourself!
Lt. Neil: No sir, the port nacelle is one of our main engines, and by 'lost' I mean destroyed.
Riker: (hysterical again) Perfect!! Fine! Target all weapons on the ISD bridge!!!

(Space)

ISD: Sorry about the nacelle.
Enterprise: Um, I think you better duck.
ISD: I cant.
Enterprise: Oh well. Maybe our people will stop putting the bridge on the top of the ships.
ISD: Huh?...............Uh oh.

(Phasers and torpedoes strike the bridge shields, barrage after barrage of weapons hit, and the shields start to weaken)

(Enterprise Bridge)
Lt. Neil: We're getting through!
Riker: Oh goody!
Computer: Warning! Damage to warp core!
Riker: Oh poo.

(ISD bridge shields begin to fail)

(ISD Bridge)

Wesley: Hahahaha! DIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE........
Photon Torpedo: I think not.
Wesley: Crap.
ISD Bridge: GAK!

(Mega big explosion rips the ISD bridge apart. Two pieces of debris hit the Enterprise and destroys Ten-Foward)

Guinan: GAK!
Precious Alcohol: OW!

(Enterprise Bridge)

Lt. Neil: You did it!
Riker: I did nothing! I got caught with my britches down!
Lt. Neil: Sir?
Riker: Oh, its something that my mother -
Computer: Warning! Damage to warp core extreme! Core breach in 10 minutes! Evacuate all personnel, including Teddy Bears.
Bridge Crew: GASP!

(ISD Secret Comm Relay Room)

Worf: Riker did it! Wesleys dead!
All: YAY!!
Darth: (looking at scanner) Uh oh.
Data: What?
Darth: Looks like the Enterprise's reactor core is going to explode.
Data: How close are we to the Enterprise?
Darth: 10 Kilometres.
Data: Oh dear.
Darth: Am I to assume we are at risk?
Data: You could.
Darth: How much risk?
Data: If you dont get this ship at least 200,000 Km away, we will be obliterated.
Darth: Ah. I think we should take a quick stroll that-away. *points to 'Auxilary Bridge' sign.
Computer: Core breach on Enterprise will occur in 7 minutes! Flee.

The adventure will continue!

hehe, I love this...

I love how the two ships are talking to each other in space.

Now this is a fine example of how out-of-character characterizations work so damn well in humour fics. Keep it up.

I love it, I wonder what happens next

AHHhh! Poor ISD!

Hahahah damm this is good I want MORE!

Ask and ye shall receive!

Apology for its lateness...


Rikers Log, Stardate: Today.

Oh crapohcrapohcrap! Starfleet is gonna kill me! This ship is only a few years old, and its about to blow up! And to make matters worse, the insurance claims havent been filled out!
Captain Picard sent me to that Insurance planet to fill out the forms, but those magic beans looked so tasty......

(Enterprise Bridge)

Computer: Core breach in 7 minutes!
Riker: Deanna, evacuate everyone to the saucer section!
Troi: Yes sir, Commander HunkyBuns. (leaves bridge)
Riker: What the-?

(ISD Auxilary Bridge)

Darth: Computer, reactivate Engines!
Computer: Unable to comply, control systems to destroyed.
Darth: Switch to backups!
Computer: Working....
Darth: (feigning confidence) Shouldnt be long now.....

(Enterprise Bridge)

Computer: Warp Core breach in 5 minutes.
Riker: Is everyone evacuated?
Troi: Yes sir.
Riker: Initiate seperation sequence.
Computer: Unable to comply. Starfleet Dramatic guidelines require that the seperation sequence can only be activated 1 minute before Warp core breach or other catastrophic scenario.
Riker: WHAT!?!?!--(calm) Who - instituted - that - guideline?
Computer: Admiral Braga.
Riker: I should have known....

(ISD Auxilary Bridge)
Computer: Unable to switch to backups, power is offline in necessary ship area.
Darth: I'll go, you have command.
Data: No. Your place is on the bridge of you ship. I'll take care of it.
Geordi: No Data, you are too valuable. I'll go.
Worf: No! I wanna go!
Data: No! Me!
Geordi: Shutup! I'm going! Me, me, me!
Darth: I'm going, and thats final! (leaves)
Geordi: (to Data) Bully.
Data: Pardon?

(ISD Powered down area)
Darth: here we are, this is the control panel I need.
Control Panel: How may I help you?
Darth: Uh.....could you restore power to the backup systems for control switching?
Control panel: Sure, no probs. (light comes on to indicate it has happened)
Darth: Wow, no bloodshed, no sacrifice, no nothing! That was easy!
Computer: Warning! Energy distortion approaching! Unable to identify!
Darth: Hmm, maybe the others know something about it....

(Enterprise Bridge)

Computer: 1 minute to Warp Core Breach.
Riker: Initiate the #$@&* seperation sequence!
Computer: Executing....

(Space)

(The Enterprise begins to seperate)

Enterprise: Ouch! Dammit, I hate it when they do this! All my good bits are in that section!

(Enterprise Bridge)
Crewman: Seperation Complete!
Riker: Full Impulse!
Troi: Aye sir!
Riker: (thinking) Hmmm, Deanna at the helm. I dunno why, but I got a bad feeling about that........

(ISD Auxilary Bridge)
Darth: (hurrying in) Are the engines online yet?
Data: They are almost online.
Darth: Time to core breach?
Computer: 45 seconds.
Darth: Can you guys identify that energy distortion?
Data: Yes, its a smudge on your scanner screen.
Darth: Oh.
Computer: Engines online!
Darth: Engage!

(Enterprise Bridge)
Computer: Core breach in progress!

(Space)

(ISD engages its engines and zooms away just as the Stardrive section explodes. The shockwave begins to gain on the Saucer and the ISD)

(ISD Auxilary Bridge)
(Ship is creaking and groaning)

Data: The saucer section will not make it! Its impulse engines are damaged!
Darth: Computer,lock on tractor beam to the Enterprise Saucer section!
Computer: Acknowledged.

(Space)

(Saucer section, now in the ISD Tractor beam, begins to catch up. Both ships outrun the shockwave!)

(Both Bridges)

Both Crews: Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaa!

(ISD Auxilary Bridge)

Geordi: Ooo! Invisible tractor beams, I want one!
Darth: Well done gentlemen, join me for drinks?
Data: Thankyou! But shouldnt we check for other dangers first?
Darth: Nah, lets just assume nothing else will go wrong. Because.........it wont.
Data: Ah. Ok. (Group leaves the Auxilary Bridge and heads for Deck 89 Bar)
.
.
.
.
(Image of closing bridge door is being displayed on a Borg viewscreen. Inside a Borg Ship. Obviously. I mean, viewscreens dont just float around the Galaxy, do they?

Collective: Unable to identify vessel. Relevant technology. Tactical analysis indiates additional vessels required......Vessels underway.
Set intercept course. Prepare for assimilation.....
--------------------

Lookout for the next part soon!

[/i]

1st post
favourite lines:

Computer: Unable to switch to backups, power is offline in necessary ship area.
Darth: I'll go, you have command.
Data: No. Your place is on the bridge of you ship. I'll take care of it.
Geordi: No Data, you are too valuable. I'll go.
Worf: No! I wanna go!
Data: No! Me!
Geordi: Shutup! I'm going! Me, me, me!
Darth: I'm going, and thats final! (leaves)
Geordi: (to Data) Bully.
Data: Pardon?

Now, it has been about 6 months, please forgive me?


Part 7:


(ISD Deck 89 Bar)

Darth: ......and then the asteroid hits that idiot's ship and it blows up! And don't even get me started on that Rebellion! Buncha morons, always wanting 'freedom this' and 'liberties that'.....
Geordi: Why didnt the sheilds protect against a rock?
Darth: They werent up.
Geordi: How come?
Darth: Stupid Interstellar Telecom regulations! I quote: 'No vessel using our telecommunications services will have defensive sheilding up at any time during phone calls. This regulation is to prevent you from mounting any form of defense in the likely event our people will visit you to demand payment of recent bills'.
Data: Why is bill payment bad?
Darth: You ever paid a bill for 9 trillion inter-galactic phone calls?
Data: Point taken. *sips drink which consists primarily of motor oil*

(Over in a corner of the bar)

Waiter: Please Sir! Put the table down!
Worf: (enraged) How can you not have prune juice!?!
Waiter: Sir, please! I don't even know what a prune is!
Worf: Graaaaaagh!

(back at the tables)

*A crunch and tinkling of glass is heard*

Darth: What was that?!
Data: *turning around* Oh that. Its just Worf being Worf.
Darth: And he's your tactical officer?
Geordi: Yep!
Darth: I'm surprised you guys arent at war with everything in the known galaxy!
Data: Well, now that you mention it.......
Computer: Tactical Alert! Vessels dropping out of warp, 10,000 KM distant. Unknown configuration, cube shaped.
Darth: Who are they?
Data: Thats what I was going to mention.

(E-D Bridge)

Riker: Report!
Lt. Neil: Debris scans complete sir. No trace of your copy of 'Womanise your way to Admiralty' was found.
Riker: Damn! Whats the away team doing?
Lt. Neil: Last report showed they were having a drink at one of the Star Destroyer's bars.
Riker: Sounds like a plan. I'll be in Ten Foward.
Lt. Neil: Sir, Ten Foward was destroyed.
Riker: What!? No! No! Thats....where the booze was......the real stuff! Not that wussy crap! *kicks a wall*
Wall: KA-BOOM!!!!!
*Bridge is showered with sparks and bits of wall*
Riker: Oops. Forgot about Starfleet's lack of surge protectors.
Console: Beep! Beep!
Riker: Report!
Lt. Neil:
Riker: Lieutenant, report
Lt. Neil:
Riker: *spinning around to face him* Lieutenant, I said.........
(The Lieutenant has a flashing Red Alert bar from the wall impaled through his head)
Riker: Uh, never mind. *snaps his fingers* Need a new Lieutenant here!
Lt. Og: Right here sir!
Riker: Take your station.
Lt. Og: Yes sir! *shoves corpse off the seat*
Riker: Report!
Lt. Og: Sensors show 47 Borg Cubes dropping out of warp! They are heading for our position! They're charging weapons!
Riker:
Lt. Og: Sir? Orders?
Riker:
Lt. Og: *turning to face him* Sir? Ord.........
(Riker is on the floor, in the fetal position with his thumb firmly in his mouth)
Lt. Og: (irked) Not again!...........*presses comm button* Captain Picard to the bridge!

(Borg Cube, in the Queens chamber)

Queen: Have we enough vessels for sucessful assimilation?
Collective: Tactical subprocessors indicate a 92% chance of swiss cheese.
Queen: Shit, I'm gonna have to clean out the gunk in those processors again.
Collective: Receiving a hail from vessel identified as a 'Star Destroyer'.
Queen: Display.
Darth: (On screen) This is Darth Vader of the Empire. State your intentions.
Queen: *chuckles* Our 'intentions' are perfection. And you.......Vader, are about to become a part of that.
Darth: Really? Sounds fine to me! *whispering off screen* What were you guys so worried about?
Data: (whispers)
Darth: Ah. (addressing the Queen) Certain facts have come to light that your 'perfection' may not be very pleasant. We respectfully...........(hopeful)...decline?
Queen: Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
Darth: Bite me! *flips her his middle digit and closes the channel*



The adventure will continue! As always.........

lol.
Yay! The funny fic lives!

Edit: Wayhay 1st post. *sticks out tongue at anybody who cares*

roflmao

Most excellent. We wiull, perhaps, be hurting you for taking so long, but only after you finish (hint: Don't)

Fucking fantastic!

Part 8

(Enterprise Bridge)

(Picard enters, looking disgruntled. He is in his dressing gown)

Picard: I thought I said I resigned! Whats the meaning of this?
Lt Og: (Speaking very quickly) Sir,Wesleywassentovertothestardestroyerand
hewentonamurderousrampageand - (takes a breath) - hedamagedtheEnterpriseandthenwe
blewhimupbutthenthestardrivesectionblewupand
thesaucerwasnearlyblownupguinansdeadsoisthealcohol - (another breath) - and47borgcubesareabouttoattack
2lieutenantsaredeadthenrikertrashedthebridge- and - theentireweaponsarrayisofflineandtotallykaputski.
Picard: Good lord! But.........is my Lionfish ok?
Lt. Og: Er........Yes it isn't.
Picard: Well, thats something at least. (Sits down) What are the status of the shields?
Lt. Og: What shields?
Picard: Nuts.

(ISD)

Darth: Well! I think I got my message across, I doubt we shall be having any trouble from this lot!
Data: Um.....What?
Darth: Well, really. Look at those ships! Cubes made outta paper clips! How bad can they be? They look like giant flying trash dumps!
Data: 1 on them ships destroyed 39 Starfleet vessels and nearly destroyed Earth.
Darth: Hmm, sucks to be you. (thinks) Hang on, you only had 39 ships to defend your homeworld!?!
Data: No, no! We had the Jupiter and Mars planetary defences!
Darth: Wow! One of those ships broke through 2 Planetary defence networks? That is very impressive! What were the planetary defences?
Data: Jupiter had a Mark 2 asteroid cannon and Mars had 3 ancient earth submarines refitted with impulse engines.
Darth: *slaps forehead*

(Borg Cube)

Queen: Commence firing!
Collective: Confirmed. Loading Swiss Cheese tubes.
Queen: Oh for goodness sake......

(Enterprise)

(Ship rocks)
Lt. Og: Impulse engines destroyed! Hull breach through decks 8 to 15, sections 127 to 584!
Picard: Evasive manuevers!

(Enterprise soars through space, with a great hole right through the saucer, taking up the aft starboard quarter of the ship!

Lt. Og: Hull integrity critical! The ship is coming apart!
Picard: (Panicky) Brown Alert!

(Enterprise takes another hit near the Impulse engines, the entire aft starboard quarter is torn apart, fire is spilling form every open area)

Lt. Og: Massive structural failure! Estimate 10 minutes to complete collapse!
Picard: (thinks) (pauses for dramatic purposes) (stares thoughtfully) ......Abandon ship.

(ISD starts getting pounded by disruptor beams and torpedoes)

Computer: Shield power decreasing, weapons at 83% and dropping.
Darth: Return fire! Turbolasers at maximum!

(ISD splatters laser fire everywhere, but the Cubes withstand the assault)

Darth: Damn! Concentrate weapons on the nearest cube!

(Lasers start battering a Cube, its sheilds collapse and the cube explodes violently)

Darth: (Begins dancing wilidly) Yes! Yes, Yes, YES! Take that you mechanized hag!
Geordi: (Screaming insanley) Thats one down and 46 to go, idiot!
Darth: (stops dancing) Oh.......right.

(More shots rain down upon the ISD, its shields begin to fail)

Data: With all due respect, we cannot win! We must retreat!
Darth: No! NO!
Data: No, we must!
Darth: (forced) Very......well. *presses comm button* Vader to bridge, get us out of here!
Bridge crew: Yes sir! And sir, foward sheilds have failed!
Darth: Evasives!
Bridge Crew: *think about how they intend to do evasives in a 1 KM vessel* Uh, right away sir.

(The ISD speeds up and prepares to engage Hyperspace engines. They manage to get away from the main Borg force and dodge their shots, but a single torpedo shoots ahead of the ISD, then falls back.......and hits the ISD nose)

ISD: Ouch! Thab was my nobe!

(Explosions ripple across the hull, the ships nose begins to break apart!)

(Inside ISD)

(The crew are thrown out of their seats, the ceiling collapses over them, sparks and fires are pouring out of every conduit)

Data: (All dignity offline) What do we do now?!? What? *grabs Darth around the neck* TELL ME!!! NOW!
Darth: Gurk! I - don't - know! We - gack! - must abandon ship!
Data: *drops Darth* Works for me, lets get off this junk heap.
Darth: (indignant) Hey!
Worf : Need I remind you that once we escape this vessel, the Borg will simply tractor us and assimilate us?
Data: Uh......Errrrrr....
Worf: Well I shouldnt have to! You are cowards! You have no warrior pride! I am KLINGON! I WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT! I WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT! I INTEND TO--------ARRRRGGHHH!!!!!!!
Darth: *lowering Blaster rifle* There, ya dead. Now shaddup.
Data: Thankyou. I can't tell ya how much we were sick of his 'honour' speeches. Let's go!
Darth: But......was he right about the Borg assimlilating us when we escape?
Data: Yes, indeed.
Darth: Then there is no escape. For either crews.
Geordi and Data: Huh?
Darth: *points out window at disentegrating Enterprise*
Geordi and Data: Aw, crap.

(Both ships start careening out of control, hull pieces constantly breaking off. The Borg Fleet closes in)

(Cube)

Collective: Tractor beams standing by. Ready for assimilation.
Queen: Excellent. And the cheese?
Collective: All cheese is purged and waiting in your private dining room.
Queen: Yum.



Will the Enterprise and the ISD be destroyed? Will they find Riker before they evacuate? Will the Queen eat her cheese?

Find out in Part 9!

This is ingenius! You should win a Nobel Prize. BTW, could you check my fic out? My fic, SOLDIERS OF THE SOVEREIGNTY.