StarDestroyer.Net BBS

It just popped into my mind and I just started writing it...
"Eh?"

I was on the subway on my way home from the late shift when a person came up to me and gave me a reason to kill myself. It was a very good reason, he'll kill me....in a slower way. I of course decline and he said he'll be back for me with something. I can't leave because the door to the next car is locked and we have just started to exit the station. Being on an express train and skipping a whole lot of stops didn't help either. So he moves on to his next victim who is sitting across the car and whispers the same thing. At the very next moment, that person took out a cyanide pill and ATE it. He of course proceeded to die and with it the whisperer then smiled a rye grin. With that, the people on this particular car are now very afraid of the man thinking he has psychic powers willing you to death. He stands there in front of the dead person and said aloud a verse in an unknown language bringing the man to life.


The now Zombie starts towards me, beckon by his new master's orders. With no where to go and nothing to protect myself.....I am helpless. If there was only a way to keep myself alive until the next stop..but how?....
Well..there was an old lady sitting near me very frightened... Well if she's going to have a heart attack I'd better make the best of it. I took and pushed her in front of the zombie and he JUMPS on top of her and starting to BITE her and vigorously tearing flesh. Blood splatted all over as she made out her last scream. With her finished the Zombie comes ever closer. Slowly and drooling with fresh blood.


A well built man watching what I've done to the poor lady decided to try and do the same to me but with his large bulky frame running towards me I instinctively got out of the way and tripped him bringing his great muscles to be fed upon the zombie. First his juicy arms were stripped ending with bare dry bones. It soon started on the belly section eating bit by bit. Soon his body was unrecognizable. Being a zombie he needs a brain..... It takes the well built man's head and SMASHES it against the hard metal doors a few times for measure. With the cracked skull...his hand delves into it and rips off the brain and feeds upon it. He then out of nowhere spoke: Tis good...

Now, considering that this is in the night, not a whole lot of people on this train to begin with. Well, there's still this lesbian couple...but I manage a pact with them for a threesome and as an additive allowed me to hug them for awhile comforting ourselves. I looked around and I realized....there's only the three of us left!!! Ohhhh noo it is slowly walking toward us as if he spent all his energy on the feeding and could not go any faster. Ever so slow, ever so agonizing the passing of every second. I sneak a look behind it to find the mage gone.

But wait! Wait! The car is slowing down...we must be coming to the next station...WE'RE SAVED!!! Ohh here we are in the station and oh so glory, we scream and yell for the doors to open unaware of the outside. It is still coming closer and closer. AND FINALLY the DOOR OPENS!!!!.......

Only to finally see that every single other motherfucker is a zombie. And before submitting to our slow agonizing deaths.....oh our precious lives lost in this world, we got naked and made love with one another for as long as we can possible can and to have our very last orgasm. Not knowingly by doing so we would bring life as one of the women grows a bulge.. With the gift of life released the first sound of life, the cry of the new crashes into the undeads' ears like thunder bringing them to their final death. We are now truly saved....by SEX.

So let it be told that life is precious and powerful. Only through sex will we achieve victory.

My comments in red and blue.

I was on the subway on my way home from the late shift when a person came up to me and gave me a reason to kill myself. It was a very good reason, he'll kill me....in a slower way. Huh? I don't understand this statement. I of course decline and he said he'll be back for me with something. I can't leave because the door to the next car is locked and we have just started to exit the station. You need to keep consistent with either the past tense or the present. It is confusing to switch back and forth between the two, as well as grammatically incorrect. Being on an express train and skipping a whole lot of stops didn't help either. So he moves on to his next victim who is sitting across the car and whispers the same thing. At the very next moment, that person took out a cyanide pill and ATE it. He of course proceeded to die and with it the whisperer then smiled a rye grin. With that, the people on this particular car are now very afraid of the man thinking he has psychic powers willing you to death. He stands there in front of the dead person and said aloud a verse in an unknown language bringing the man to life.

The now Zombie starts towards me, beckoned by his new master's orders. With nowhere (one word) to go and nothing to protect myself.....I am helpless. If there was only a way to keep myself alive until the next stop..but how?....

Well, there was an old lady sitting near me very frightened... If she's going to have a heart attack I'd better make the best of it. I took and pushed her in front of the zombie and he JUMPED on top of her and started to BITE her and vigorously tearing flesh. I suggest keeping "JUMPED" and "BITE" in lowercase letters; there is no effect change to me whether they are emphasized or not. Also make sure to keep your tenses consistent! Blood splattered all over as she made out her last scream. Change "made" to "let"? With her finished the Zombie came ever closer, slowly and drooling with fresh blood. (This last sentence should be one sentence; stay away from fragments if they start with adverbs and gerunds)

A well built man watching what I'd done to the poor lady decided to try and do the same to me but with his large bulky frame running towards me I instinctively got out of the way and tripped him bringing his great muscles to be fed upon the zombie. First his juicy arms were stripped ending with bare dry bones. Clarify this. It then started on the belly section eating bit by bit. (You don't want to use the same word too many times in the same paragraph, and certainly not two sentences right after another) Soon his body was unrecognizable. Being a zombie he needs a brain. It takes the dead man's head and smashes (Use some sort of description of the sound here?) it against the hard metal doors a few times for measure. Its hand delves into the cracked skull, rips off the brain and feeds upon it. I suggest making the zombie an "it" because it just seems right.. Don't know why. Also, your use of ellipses is, frankly, annoying. Try commas and semi-colons if possible) He then out of nowhere spoke: "'Tis good..."

Now, considering that this is in the night, not a whole lot of people were on this train to begin with. Well, there's still this lesbian couple, but I manage a pact with them for a threesome and as an additive allowed me to hug them for awhile comforting ourselves. Elaborate. I looked around and I realized that there were only the three of us left!

It was slowly walking toward us as if he spent all his energy on the feeding and could not go any faster, ever so slow, ever so agonizing, with the passing of every second. I snuck a look behind it to find the mage gone.

But wait! Wait! The car is slowing down...we must be coming to the next station...WE'RE SAVED!!! Ohh here we are in the station and oh so glory, we scream and yell for the doors to open unaware of the outside. It is still coming closer and closer. AND FINALLY the DOOR OPENS!!!!.......

This last paragraph is crap. Change to, maybe:

The car was slowing. We had to be coming to the next stop. We were saved! We screamed and yelled for the doors to open, completely unaware of what lay beyond. The doors open, only to see that every single motherfucker outside is a zombie, as well.

lead into the rest of the next paragraph...

Do zombies have genders, really...?

Only to finally see that every single other motherfucker is a zombie. And before submitting to our slow agonizing deaths.....oh our precious lives lost in this world, we got naked and made love with one another for as long as we can possible can and to have our very last orgasm. Not knowingly by doing so we would bring life as one of the women grows a bulge.. With the gift of life released the first sound of life, the cry of the new crashes into the undeads' ears like thunder bringing them to their final death. We are now truly saved....by SEX.

So let it be told that life is precious and powerful. Only through sex will we achieve victory.

I am going to be frank and honest with you.

1- I cannot BELIEVE that I read the whole thing. I though it was terribel writing, you write like you speak, and there is no STYLE to it.

2- You can't keep consistent with your tenses, which makes it extremely hard to read.

3- I would say this has potential, except for the obvious "Resident Evil" ripoff.

It sucked.

~ver

I know. Should've mentioned that. See I just wrote that crap because it just came to me out of nowhere and I have never attempted to write a story before. Sorry. ~Jason

Soontir C'boath wrote:I know. Should've mentioned that. See I just wrote that crap because it just came to me out of nowhere and I have never attempted to write a story before. Sorry. ~Jason

Hey.. I'm not critiquing your work on any less of a basis than I would anyone else. In fact, I would encourage you to write more.. Though there isn't much style in this work, there is definitely potential, which is a good thing. Hell, I can't write unless I get a critique of some sort.. It's not necessarily destructive criticism, but I would suggest trying to write more. It started off really well, other than the fact that it seems like a "Resident Evil" ripoff. That's my main concern with it (not that a fanfic about "Resident Evil" would be a bad thing, mind you).

I would suggest rewriting it, extending the plot by far, and it reeally could turn out to be a great fic.

~ver

I'll definitly change it up when I have time. HW, afterschool college classes and weekend school is eating my time.. Thanks for the advice ver.~Jason

Soontir C'boath wrote:I'll definitly change it up when I have time. HW, afterschool college classes and weekend school is eating my time.. Thanks for the advice ver.~Jason

Anytime.. You just need to remember to watch your tenses, keep smilies out of fics, watch yourr use of ellipses, and watch what really needs to be emphasized.

~ver