Disclaimer: Star Wars and the characters are owned by Lucasfilm and Twentieth Century Fox.. I own the story and any original characters. No copyright infringement is intended.
Synopsis: This is the version of battle arena on Genosis from "Attack of the Clones" that the fans DIDNT see in theaters. Please enjoy!
That’s My Arena!
Jedi Knights Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker and Republic Senator Padme Amidala stood in the Genosis arena, their hands tied to the massive stone pillars in the arena‘s center. They were awaiting the execution order from the villainous Count Dooku and after all, it‘s difficult to think about much else when someone you once considered a friend orders you killed.
Unless of course you counted that annoying announcer and his cameraman…
“And three…two…one…And we are live at the site of another pointless and therefore necessary bloodbath here in the Genosis arena. Today’s contestants are two Jedi knights and a queen. Tell me, how does it feel to be on the show?”
Anakin looked at him.
“Well it pretty much sucks; I mean, it really sucks for me.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because I’m going to die a-wait, never mind.”
“No, you can tell me; don’t worry, I won’t tell.”
“All right.”
The announcer approached Anakin and the young Jedi Padawan leaned in and whispered to the announcer. The announcer’s eyes went wide.
“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”
He walked away, looked at the camera, and winked.
“He’s going to die a virgin, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, you poor, poor man. I‘d help you if I could, but I don‘t go in for that kind of stuff, oh no!”
If Anakin’s eyes were lasers, the announcer would have been burned to a crisp, Wookie style.
“Well on to our next contestant on ‘Who wants to die on Genosis?’. She’s a former queen from the VERY insignificant planet of Naboo and replaced the illustrious Senator Palpatine as the Naboo representation in the crumbling Galactic Senate ten years ago. Let’s welcome Padme Amidala!”
Padme just glared at him.
“You cannot win; we will fight to the last man!”
The announcer just stared at back at her and then down at her chest. Padme’s face blushed with anger.
“Well, I can tell you two things that are flat about this woman. One is her acting, the other is her chest!”
Padme joined in with Anakin by giving the announcer the “if my eyes were lasers, then you would have been burned to a crisp, Wookie style” look.
“All right, onto our final contestant, he’s a Jedi Master that likes to kick some a- oh wait, forgive me I forgot that there are children in the audience. Let’s welcome Obi-Wan Kenobi! How are you doing, Obi-baby?”
Kenobi jut glared at him.
“You can’t win; if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!”
The announcer stared at him again.
“What in the name of the original trilogy was that?! Has anyone told you that you look and sound absolutely NOTHING like Alec Guinness!?
“Who?”
“I’m sorry, I’m the only one who can answer questions here!”
The announcer turned away from Obi-Wan and looked back at the camera.
“And now joining us in the announcer’s booth is the man in black. Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only Count Dooku. Count Dooku is a-what in god’s name is going up in there?!
The image on the arena’s main viewscreen showed what appeared to be Dooku paying off his arch nemesis, the venerable Jedi Master Yoda.
“All right, so we have a date Friday?”
“A date we do, Dooku. Remember my LITTLE Padawan-size DOES matter!”
The little Jedi walked off, giggling at his own little demented freaky language that had terrorized the galaxy for nine hundred years. Then Count Dooku looked into the camera.
“Uh, was that live?”
“Yes it was my lord.”
“OH SH**”
“Watch your language or have you forgotten that there are children present? Well there’s no reason to panic; just why were you paying off Yoda?”
“I paid him off for a little bonding we had.”
“What kind of bonding?”
Dooku joined Anakin and Padme with the “if my eyes were lasers, then you would have been burned to a crisp, Wookie style” look. Then the announcer caught on to what Dooku had meant by ‘bonding’.
“OH MY GOD, THAT IS SICK!! Jesus man, you have issues, oh god, I think I’m going to puke, aghh!!!!”
“Oh shut up.”
The announcer looked at the hooded figure that had entered the stadium. Instant relief flowed through his body.
“Last but not least, we have the phantom menace; he’s the man with the plan and he put the sidious in insidious. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s welcome Darth Sidious! How’s life going Darth?
“Good, good.”
“How’s life on the Dark Side.”
“Very Dark.”
“Dark as in gothic style dark or just VERY dark?
“DARK.”
“I see. So, is it true that everyone in the Galactic Republic is an idiot for not deducing your true identity?”
“Yes, if they had any brains and put two and two together, they would know that I was really-”
Darth Sidious pulled back his hood.
“-Chancellor Palpatine!”
There was utter silence in the audience.
“Well, aren’t you surprised?
“NO!” cried the audience. Sidious turned to look down at the announcer.
“Why aren’t they surprised?”
“Well, um…”
“What did you do this time?”
“Nothing except that we announced it during the pre-game show.”
“WHAT!”
Sidious raised his hands, blue Force lightning spreading across his fingertips.
“Wow, calm down! Besides, I’ve got a better electric charge; watch!”
The announcer pulled out a remote and touched a key with a lightning symbol on it.
“AAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
Everyone of the Genosins sitting in the arena was suddenly going off into the type of violent seizures caused by imported Japanese anime cartoons. The announcer waited a few moments before hitting the button again, shutting off the power surge. Sidious looked back at the reporter.
“What was that?”
“The galaxy’s largest Taser.”
“Ah.”
“But enough delays; we got a gladiatorial game to get going.”
The announcer looked back at the captives and then at the audience.
“Ladies and gentlemen; let’s get ready to RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
The announcer ran out of the arena and moments later, was in the personal sports box of the Dark lords
“Oh, you actually ordered weenie cocktails?”
“Yes, they are a delicacy to the Sith.”
Dooku turned towards the announcer.
“So, what manner of beast are you planning to kill them with?”
A certain smile came to the announcer’s face.
“You’re not going believe it. Release the beast!”
A section of the arena slid open, stirring up a dust storm. The dust storm quickly dissipated to reveal-
“A Rabbit? You’re going to kill them with a RABBIT?! Are you insane!”
Both Darth Sidious and Count Dooku raised their hands, blue Force lightning spreading across his fingertips. The announcer just smiled.
“Realx. This is no ordinary rabbit. This is no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.”
Sidious and Dooku continued to stare at him.
“Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!”
And suddenly Dooku understood.
“By the winds of Alderaan, is that-”
“Yes, it’s the Killer Rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail; we have it on loan. All right my little bunny, do your work!”
The announcer smiled as the bloodstained rabbit lurched its way to the Jedi Knights and the queen-
-and the smile suddenly vanished as a round golden object was thrown from the audience at the rabbit. It struck the creature and the Killer Rabbit simply exploded.
“What happened to him?!”
“Oh my god, it was the Holy Hand Grenade that killed the little bugger!!”
“But the Knights of King Arthur and the Round Table don’t exist in this universe!”
“True, but he does.”
The announcer pointed to the smoke coming from the arena as a lone figure dressed in armor approached the prisoners.
“Who the hell are you!”
“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”
The announcer just stared at him.
“Do you realize you are in the wrong universe Russell Crow?!”
“No, I was enlisted by Monty Python Enterprises to retrieve that killer rabbit or kill it in the process.”
Sidious glared at the announcer.
“You said the rabbit was on loan.”
“So I lied; I mean, come on it’s the perfect way to kill those captives and theose bloody English would not give him up! But it doesn’t really matter when-OH SH**”
The announcer broke off into a bloodcurdling scream as two hundred light sabers were ignited throughout the arena. Which could only mean-
“Jedi Knights!”
Dooku and Sidious just smiled.
“Very noble of you Maximus Decimus Meridius. But you must realize that two hundred Jedi are no match for the combined power of our droid armies AND the Dark Side of the Force.”
“True, but the Jedi are only half of my backup. Observe!”
Emerging from the smoke and joining the Jedi Knights on the arena’s main level was a force that the announcer instantly recognized as-
“-attorneys at law! Oh god, they’re the most dreaded force in the universe!”
Sidious and Dooku displayed equal looks of terror on their faces as they both gave the same order.
“RUN!!!!!!!!”
The Genosins, Sith, announcer, and Battle droids fled the arena. Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Amidala walked up to Maximus.
“What are you waiting for? They’re getting away!”
“Not for long. The attorneys will stop them. Observe.”
Maximus whisked a remote out of his Roman gladiatorial armor and pressed a button with a briefcase icon on it. And from out of the clouds came a HUGE briefcase. There was a cry from the battlefield-
-and a BIG crunch. There was silence from the arena. Finally Amidala spoke.
“Wow, the attorneys at law literally crushed the Separatist movement.”
“Yeah. It’s sweet, isn’t it?!”
“Yeah, I-HEY!”
Anakin and pulled Amidala into his grasp and both began making out on the spot.
“Uh, shouldn’t we stop them?”
“No, it’s okay. After all, the Force is with us!”
But far off on the battlefield, the announcer painfully emerged from the weight of the briefcase as he made his final comment.
“The…Force…has…never…been…with…me…”
The End!
New Star Wars Parody - That's my Arena!
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