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I feel like writing and I feel like fleshing out the background of my 40K Guard army, so... here I am. I've just dumped some stuff into Wordpad to get a general idea of what I want to do and I thought feedback from here might be helpful, specifically on character concepts and the overall plot.

The story itself would take place entirely on this one planet, focusing on the actions of Ares Company of the 164th CCA Combined Regiment fighting against the forces of Chaos. Comments, suggestions, flames, etc. are welcome

Please note that I do not intend on cramming all these characters in at once, I typed this mostly for myself to get a feel for the key personnel of the company. I will probably end up focusing on those I get good feedback on. Begin random musings:

Dramatis Personae -

Private First Class Jek Saarken - 20-year-old Cadian male, awarded Honorifica Imperialis
Skilled, but inexperienced. Clever, intuitive, resourceful.

Captain James Hawk - 44 year-old Catachan male, commander of Ares Company, 164th CCA Combined Regiment
Gruff, but fair. Veteran Catachan warrior and set in his ways but enlightened by such diverse service. Grudging respect for Dearn.

Commissar Troy Dearn - 39 year-old Cadian male, senior Commissar of Ares Company, attached to CPT Hawk
Relatively mellow (for a Commissar). Somewhat cynical with a grudging respect for Hawk. Rarely executes his men.

Staff Sergeant Will Toerth - 31 year-old Cadian male, leader of "Chaos Crushers" squad
Cocky, but not without good reason. He and his squad love getting the jump on traitor Marines and showing them a thing or two about what the Emperor thinks of them. Initially reliant on luck, now he and his men are experienced fighters.

Master Sergeant Anthony Jinth - 25 year-old male, leader of Stormtrooper squad Alpha
Aloof, detached, as one might expect from a Stormtrooper with an assignment to a ragtag regiment. Not outright rude, but neither does he particularly enjoy company. Only feels at home with the company's other 15 Stormtroopers.

Sergeant Narfin Zane - 23 year-old male, leader of Stormtrooper squad Bravo
More outgoing than Jinth. Even has a sense of humor.

Sergeant Major Linum Menth - 38 year-old Dreckifirian male, leader of the other veteran squad
Recent addition to Ares Company. Attached to 164th after his old unit was decimated in battle with Chaos forces on Dreckifir. Old beyond his years, sometimes loses focus.

First Lieutenant Terry Darks - 30 year-old Cadian male, commander of 1st Platoon (Cadian)
A tad on the chubby side, nonetheless a steadfast officer who leads from the front. Not the greatest warrior in the Imperium, but his determination and resolve keeps his men rallied about him and fighting to the bitter end if necessary.

Sergeant Major Ben Phillis - 29 year-old Cadian male, leader of Squad Alpha, 1st Plt. Darks's second-in-command and often doubles as his platoon sergeant.
Something of a hotshot, he still performs his duties to the best of his ability. Unlike most NCOs, he prefers a hefty bolter in his arms to mow down his enemies.

Staff Sergeant Jack Zyveer - 25 year-old Cadian male, leader of Squad Bravo
All-business, don't-take-shit NCO. Unremarkable in most aspects, he's only interested in maintaining his squad's discipline to fight the enemies of the Emperor.

Staff Sergeant Nyar Thinn - 23 year-old Cadian male, leader of Squad Charlie
Similar to Zyveer, he just does his duty and expects the same of his men.

Sergeant Ferris Ranzman - 19 year-old Cadian male, leader of Squad Delta
Somewhat naive and often the butt end of jokes for his textbook command style. He does everything by the book and initiative does not come naturally to him.

Sergeant Aurin Gammt - 22 year-old Cadian male, leader of Squad Echo
A hardcore sergeant, some say he's a Commissar in disguise. Doesn't take no for an answer and would probably keep attacking his enemy until either it or he was completely and utterly destroyed.

Staff Sergeant Hans Schulz - 33 year-old Armageddon male, leader of the Armored Fist squad
Somewhat removed from the rest of the company. Sticks with his own unit and firmly believes they are the most vital element of the company's forces.

Commissar Jag Kass - 31 year-old male, attached to 1LT Darks
The company's hard-ass, he's a Commissar at heart and few, if any, regard him as being human. Dearn often has to intervene in Kass's hasty disciplinary actions.

Commissar Aeria Lakry - 28 year-old female, attached to 2LT Douglas
Striking a middle ground between Kass and Dearn, Lakry is relatively lenient. The few soldiers who dared make a lewd face in her direction often found themselves the next day with a few missing teeth.

Second Lieutenant Jake Douglas - 32 year-old Catachan male, commander of 2nd Platoon (Catachan)
Far from being a tactical genius, Douglas lives by the simple rule of shoot first and ask questions later. Like Phillis, he totes a bolter and doles out Imperial justice a little too much for the Officio Munitorum's liking.

Staff Sergeant Mike Dezze - 22 year-old Catachan male, leader of Squad Alpha, 2nd Plt.
Once a Catachan, always a Catachan. Doesn't much care for the other member of the company, he, like many Catachans, believes that only those from his home planet are true men.

Sergeant Aidryan Fense - 20 year-old Catachan male, leader of Squad Bravo
Wry and somewhat soft spoken for a Catachan, people often forget that he's still a pure Catachan killing machine.

Brother Defethius - 127 year-old Space Marine, separated Ultramarine
Separated from his squad during the retaking of Dreckifir, joins with Saarken's unit. Curious about the "real" humans that he has had little contact with.

-------------

De plot:

Boom-boom kill kill, make Chaos die on Dreckifir
Introduce PFC Saarken, protagonist
Introduce SGT Gammt, above's squad leader

Happy fun time. Introduce Sgt.Mjr. Phillis, 1LT Darks, and Com. Kass,
as well as Saarken's squadmates. Explore Saarken's character and background.

Chaos raid of Guard position. Emergency defensive action. Guard eventually forced to retreat and in some cases rout. Commissars get trigger happy. Ares Company goes to ground in the alpine terrain, staging guerilla attacks against the now-superior Chaos force. Contact lost with the rest of the regiment (managed to evacuate off world with other Guard units).

Guerilla attacks continue. Contact made with newly-arrived Imperial fleet. Ares Company sabotages Hydra batteries for Marine Thunderhawk to land to assist with establishment of beachhead for Imperial reinforcements. Rest of 164th returns along with large Guard units.

Counter-offensive begins. (end?)

--------------

That's the stuff I've sketched out so far. Thanks in advance for any comments . Obviously, knowledge of the 40K universe is ideal, but I'd appreciate comments from anyone.

I'm a bit against a female commisar, females generally don't appear in the Guard, unless it's a specialised all female army from certain worlds. However you can get female inquisitors, who might perhaps go undercover ...

The ghosts certainly have plenty of them.

Well, as Sylas said, the Ghosts have a lot of females within their unit. I'm writing the story of my RL Guard army, and one of my three Commissars is female. Its represented on the model

Also, there's the quote about Cadia in the new Guard codex (paraphrased).

...the birth rate and enlistment rate are synonomous.

Obviously, half of Cadian Guardsmen are going to be female.

Thanks for the responses, BTW.

JediNeophyte wrote:Well, as Sylas said, the Ghosts have a lot of females within their unit. I'm writing the story of my RL Guard army, and one of my three Commissars is female. Its represented on the model

Also, there's the quote about Cadia in the new Guard codex (paraphrased).

...the birth rate and enlistment rate are synonomous.

Obviously, half of Cadian Guardsmen are going to be female.

Thanks for the responses, BTW.

Not quite. That's probably for the purposes of the militia/PDF and/or simply hyperbole. Cadia certainly have civilians of a sort and given the trend in the Imperium those would probably be overwhelmingly female.




And the other thing you might want to consider is sprinkling in more lower ranked troops. You've got only one character below sergeant (and I'm not sure the IG even uses all those ranks). Warhammer 40K stories work best when you've got the guys in the trench's not the brass. You might want to work on that some.

Stormbringer wrote:And the other thing you might want to consider is sprinkling in more lower ranked troops. You've got only one character below sergeant (and I'm not sure the IG even uses all those ranks). Warhammer 40K stories work best when you've got the guys in the trench's not the brass. You might want to work on that some.

Right, certainly. That list was to get character concepts down in type of the company's key personnel, not necessarily the story's key characters. I will definitely create in-depth grunts, especialy Saarken's squadmates. Thanks

As for Guard ranks:
(Guard Codex, exact quote)

The Tactica Imperium normally uses specific title to refer Officer ranks; Junior Officers are listed as Lieutenants, senior Officers are named as Captains or Colonels. In practice, the Imperial Guard is drawn from so many different worlds, many of which speak varying dialects - or even totally different languages - so that the actual titles applied to officers can vary wildly.

A tentative first chapter can be found in .rtf format here: (Copy paste, remove space) http: //jedineophyte.tripod.com/story.rtf
The font for the title and such is here.

My requests.

1. When Imperial Space Marines appear, I'd like for once to see one of those chapters which we know only by name instead of the Blood Angels or Imperial Fists appearing for the umpteenth time.

2. If the Chaos forces are Night Lords, I'd like it if one of them has "Born To Kill" written on his armour as a reference to Full Metal Jacket.

Lasbolts are lasers. What you see would be a flash from the gun as air is superheated and possibly a slight beam on higher settings. This is borne out by the IG artwork. Other than that, err.. write more.

You have to keep the females alive in order to keep the birth rates up. Getting them killed on the field of battle deprives you of several soldiers in the future

Over 70% of cadia's population is millitary IIRC.

JediNeophyte wrote:

Stormbringer wrote:And the other thing you might want to consider is sprinkling in more lower ranked troops. You've got only one character below sergeant (and I'm not sure the IG even uses all those ranks). Warhammer 40K stories work best when you've got the guys in the trench's not the brass. You might want to work on that some.

Right, certainly. That list was to get character concepts down in type of the company's key personnel, not necessarily the story's key characters. I will definitely create in-depth grunts, especialy Saarken's squadmates. Thanks

Okay, I'm just intruiged and hoping to see it work. Brass-heavy stories just don't work that well, especially with 40K.

JediNeophyte wrote:As for Guard ranks:
(Guard Codex, exact quote)

The Tactica Imperium normally uses specific title to refer Officer ranks; Junior Officers are listed as Lieutenants, senior Officers are named as Captains or Colonels. In practice, the Imperial Guard is drawn from so many different worlds, many of which speak varying dialects - or even totally different languages - so that the actual titles applied to officers can vary wildly.

Yeah, the do use the different base ranks. I was refering to the various sergeants (master-, staff-, etc) or sergeant major, or the grades of lieutenant. Guard ranks tend to be pretty simple until one hits the level of planetary and sectorial commands.

JediNeophyte wrote:A tentative first chapter can be found in .rtf format here: (Copy paste, remove space) http: //jedineophyte.tripod.com/story.rtf
The font for the title and such is here.

Not bad though I would ratchet up the action first and then explain it all later. It'll hook people more as well as giving it a faster start.

Funny thing, i was also thinking of asking for ideas for a WH40K fanfic but it would have been a crossover. I was thinking of perhaps a combat squad worth of marines ending up on some planet in the SG1 universe and conviniently the SG1 coming to that planet some time later to discover these bad-asses. I can merely imagine how the Astartes would react to the Goa'uld

Rightous Fist Of Heaven wrote:Funny thing, i was also thinking of asking for ideas for a WH40K fanfic but it would have been a crossover. I was thinking of perhaps a combat squad worth of marines ending up on some planet in the SG1 universe and conviniently the SG1 coming to that planet some time later to discover these bad-asses. I can merely imagine how the Astartes would react to the Goa'uld

And they shall know crippling laughter?

NecronLord wrote:

Rightous Fist Of Heaven wrote:Funny thing, i was also thinking of asking for ideas for a WH40K fanfic but it would have been a crossover. I was thinking of perhaps a combat squad worth of marines ending up on some planet in the SG1 universe and conviniently the SG1 coming to that planet some time later to discover these bad-asses. I can merely imagine how the Astartes would react to the Goa'uld

And they shall know crippling laughter?

First that and then they will set upon slaughtering the petty excuses that many fools actually believe to be gods. But really, it would be rather fun to write and read about how the greatest warriors of the IoM react to the knowledge that the galaxy they have ended up in, is largely controlled by humans with parasitic worms in their necks which make their eyes glow and voice sound funny and because of this they are viewed as gods. I can allready imagine it, a Space Marine holding up one particulary arrogant system lord by his throat in mid-air and laughing at why some believe that such a fool is a god.

And the battle of Abydos in the end of Season 6 would get a whole new meaning when the Jaffa horde begins to rush for the temple, down the dune and suddenly, 5 power armored massive figures jump out from the barricades and rush to meet the hundreds of jaffa with chainswords and bolters ready to cut the heretics to pieces.

NecronLord wrote:And they shall know crippling laughter?

One question. Before or after the Astartes shred the Goa'uld for being heratics?

I might write that. I actually have a prologue of a 40K crossover written.

Bill Door wrote:

NecronLord wrote:And they shall know crippling laughter?

One question. Before or after the Astartes shred the Goa'uld for being heratics?

Goa'uld: You will die for your insolence!
SM: What?
Goa'uld: Jaffa, Kree!
*SM is attacked by dozens of jaffa.*
SM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA Pitiful!

Ah, and think about an SM going against the "super soldiers" of Anubis. It would be fun with the super jaffa firing off frantically at the SM with the low powered blasts having trouble scratching the paint on his armor and the SM decides that it is merely fair that he doesnt use weapons and then kills the super jaffa quickly with his bare hands.

But i think that pretty quickly the Jaffa would change their beliefs when the SM killed a few system lords like it was drinking a cup of afternoon coffee for them. They would ofcourse record that slaughter and then let the Tok'Ra distribute that recording all over the place (assuming ofcourse that the SM could be without killing the Tok'Ra as the first thing upon meeting them).

Also NecronLord, you really should try to write a SG1/WH40K crossover. I thought of several other possibilities as the second sci-fi universe for a crossover with the WH40K but the SG1 universe allways IMHO would create the best story and quite a bit of humor as well. I would write one myself but i dont have the time and even tough i have read Crusade to Armageddon, Crucible of War, started up on Storm of Iron and gone thru the SM and IG codexes along with the story portions etc. in the rulebook, i feel that i dont have the necessary background information of the IoM and WH40K universe in general to create such a story.

Simon H.Johansen wrote:My requests.

1. When Imperial Space Marines appear, I'd like for once to see one of those chapters which we know only by name instead of the Blood Angels or Imperial Fists appearing for the umpteenth time.

A good idea, definitely. I was planning on basing the Marines on my actual RL Marines (who are Ultramarines), but yeah, the same chapters do get old after awhile.

2. If the Chaos forces are Night Lords, I'd like it if one of them has "Born To Kill" written on his armour as a reference to Full Metal Jacket.

With the way I've started, I'll probably go with World Eaters.

NecronLord wrote:Lasbolts are lasers. What you see would be a flash from the gun as air is superheated and possibly a slight beam on higher settings. This is borne out by the IG artwork. Other than that, err.. write more.

In terms of description, I've been trying to stay in line with what's shown in the Ghosts novels. But then again, I don't recall any vivid description of lasfire in them anyways.

Stormbringer wrote:Not bad though I would ratchet up the action first and then explain it all later. It'll hook people more as well as giving it a faster start.

Sounds good, I'll rearrange chapter 1 and material planned for chapter 2.


Thanks to all (except you filthy, dirty hijackers ).

Hmm debates posting his own Crossover, it needs a lot of work however, I may post it for feedback if I get the confidence at some point.

JediNeophyte wrote:A good idea, definitely. I was planning on basing the Marines on my actual RL Marines (who are Ultramarines), but yeah, the same chapters do get old after awhile.

Well, you could create an Ultramarines successor chapter (they're common as dirst after all) and still give them a unique identity. Or for that matter you could use one of the lesser known/used gamesworkshop chapters.

Stormbringer wrote:Not bad though I would ratchet up the action first and then explain it all later. It'll hook people more as well as giving it a faster start.

Sounds good, I'll rearrange chapter 1 and material planned for chapter 2.


Thanks to all (except you filthy, dirty hijackers ).[/quote]

You're welcome. Just trying to help out.

JediNeophyte wrote:

2. If the Chaos forces are Night Lords, I'd like it if one of them has "Born To Kill" written on his armour as a reference to Full Metal Jacket.

With the way I've started, I'll probably go with World Eaters.
.

It's not as if a World Eater won't write "Born To Kill" on his armour, either... or if a Night Lords detachment decides to support the World Eaters once they have the opportunity. (although World Eaters have a tendency to don't care whether they attack enemies or friends)

Revised first chapter, posted here for convenience. Personally I find the board's formatting hard to read. -

Chapter One: Entropy

Jek paused and carefully took in his surroundings. Las bolts, stubber rounds, and autocannon shells wizzed by in all directions, some finding targets but most impacting harmlessly against the lightly forested terrain. The young man watched his squadmates get ripped apart by large calibre bolt rounds or the vicious and inhuman strikes of traitor Marine warriors crazed for blood. Jek Saarken was no fool. The garishly colored Chaos troops were nearly unstoppable, their profane armor deflecting or absorbing anything short of antitank rounds. His fellow Guardsmen were dying to a vastly superior foe, and there was little he could do about it.

Rejoining the fray, the Guardsman took potshots at any targets of oppurtunity. Accompanying the squad of armored berserkers was a mob of cultits and other corrupted militants. They were easily felled but in numbers could cause harm, as well as drawing fire away from the more deadly Chaos troops. Jek took one down, then another, and another. They spilled over the ridge, spitting las wildly at the fortified Guard positions. The traitor Marines were now among them, hacking away in a frenzy of destruction. The Guardsmen fought back as well as they could, but bayonets and rifle butts were next to useless against the nigh-impenetrable power armor. Still more cultists poured from some unseen location and scored the occasional hit, supplementing the Marines' assault. Saarken took aim again and spent two more las-cells downing the heretics.

The cursed squad of Chaos Marines had finished hacking up their latest victims and were eagerly looking around for more. Jek removed the spent las-cell from his rifle and slotted in a fresh one. Taking aim from the cover of a battle-scarred log, he estimated that he might be able to take one down before they closed the distance with him. Jek was good, and he was going to make sure this band of heretics figured that out. Sighting his lasgun at the exposed armpit of a traitor Marine in mid-swing, Jek Saarken let loose a beam of searing energy. His aim was true, and the blast knocked through the relatively unprotected region of the Marine's armor. The traitor's foul comrades continued in their blood frenzy while the wounded warrior staggered, confused. Raising his left arm again, he examined the wound. Seeing it, the Marine threw his armored head back and let loose a sickening, Warp-born laugh. Lowering his devilish gaze on Jek, the Chaos warrior raised his bloody chain-axe and charged the Guardsman's concealed position.

"Well, fuck," was all Jek could think of. Switching his lasgun to full auto, he aimed hastily and let rip a flurry of concentrated energy. The daemonic armored superhuman was completely unfazed by the fusilade and merely reveled in the thought of the coming gorefest. Saarken knew he was in a world of shit. All his cells currently empty and with no time to recharge any, he quickly fixed his bayonet and futily set his weapon against the charge of this inhuman monster. He grit his teeth and vowed to the Emperor to do some damage before he died.

Suddenly, what he assumed to be bushes and rocks in the chaotic firefight suddenly sprung to life. Five well-camouflaged Guardsmen emerged from their hiding places and caught the Chaos warrior by surprise. A dazzling spray of las disected the vile thing in a brutally efficient crossfire. Stumbling drunkenly into the ground, armor smoking, the warrior ceased to pose a threat. Staff Sergeant Toerth, wearing his trademark sunglasses, calmly walked up to the heap of charred armor and placed a bolt round through the back of the armored helmet, detonating whatever was contained within with the familiar double-thud of bolters.

A cocky grin on his face, Toerth inquired smugly, "Need some help Saarken? You like you could use it."

Jek's only response was to shake his head confusedly.

He was beginning to like this regiment.