Metal Gear fic

Agent Fisher · Post by **Agent Fisher** » 2003-11-29 01:17am

I wrote this and would like somefeed back. What I am posting now is the prolouge.

A man was walking back and forth slowly smoking a cigarette.

Agent Fisher presents...

As the man walked by a shadow dropped silently behind him.

A Metal Gear Solid story...

A small puff could be heard and the man dropped down dead from a bullet wound to the back of his neck.

METAL GEAR SOLID: SHADOW WRAITH

The shadow crouched low and the Stealth Camo deactivated. A man in a sneaking suit appeared. "This is Wraith. I have infiltrated the outer part of the compound. I have already dispatched one of the terrorists."

"Good job, Wraith. Now move in through the air ducts and rescue the hostages." Came the voice of Colonel Campell, now leader of the reformed FoxHound unit. "There are five hostages and twenty terrorists. Well nineteen now that you have got one. We given you equipment instead of you having to find you own. You have a full load of SOCOM pistol ammo and 120 rounds for you AKS-74u, which is the same weapon as the terrorists. All your weapons are silenced so you don't need to worry about being heard. Just don't leave too many bodies lying around. Good luck Wraith."

With that Wraith stood up and drew his SOCOM pistol and walked over to the vents. He pried open one of the vents and climbed in. Wraith then climbed through the vents until he saw the hostages with two terrorist in the room. The door opened and he could see two guards by the door outside. "Damn" He whispered. He continued until he found the mens restroom and dropped down from the vent into the restroom. Just as he stood up he heard the door to the room open. He dashed over to a corner and hid as the terrorist passed by. The terrorist stopped in front of a toilet and started to pee. Wraith sneaked up behind him and as the man finished his business, Wraith grabbed him from behind. "What is the password to get in the hostage room?" Wraith asked. "Go to Hell" said the terrorist. Wraith then threw him on the floor and drew his SOCOM and shot him in the arm. "I ask you one more time what is the password to the room."

"It is BRAVO ALPHA."

"Thanks" said Wraith. With that he took his SOCOM and brought it across his skull knocking him out. Wraith then took off the terrorist's mask and clothes and put them on. He then decided that dead men tell no tales. He took his SOCOM and put a bullet between his eyes. Wraith then wondered around distracting the terrorist one by one and dispatching them until the only terrorist left were those guarding the hostages.

Wraith then peeked around a corner so that he could see the guards. He then took a empty magazine and threw it down the hall.

"What was that?" Said one of the guards. "Go check it out."

With that one of the guards started to walk down the hallway when a silenced AKS-74u opened fire the two guards dropped down with the blood and brains splattered against the wall. Wraith dragged the bodies out of the entry way. He then pried the screen to the air vent open. He then pounded on the door to the room where the hostages where being held and jumped up into the air vent and crawled through so he could see in the room. Both of the terrorists had opened the door and were looking out side. Wraith acitvated his stealth camo and dropped into the room.

" That was strange." Said one of the terrorists as they closed the door. As they went back to talking to each other, four shoots were fired and the terrorist minus the part of their head that was splattered against the wall, dropped to the floor. The thud of their bodies could barely be heard over the screams of the hostages.

The stealth camo deactivated and Wraith appeared. "Don't worry," he said to the hostages. "I am one of the good guys." With that he lead them out of the compound and to the police that had gathered out side. When the police asked them how they escaped they turned around and were going to point the man that rescued them out but he was gone. A black silent helicopter was flying away. "How did it go?" asked the pilot. "It went good, Snake." Wraith grimaced. "Anything wrong?" asked Snake. "No I just thinking it was too easy." "What do you mean?" asked Snake. "There security was so lax that I could have walked in the front door and could have used un-silenced weapons and they wouldn't have noticed."

As the helicopter was flying away a white-haired man on the ground was watching it fly away, talking into a cell phone. "Yes sir, the boy's skills have grown greatly. Yes, he completed his mission without a hitch. Yes he killed all the terrorist. No sir he was not wounded. Yes sir, I'd say he is ready for a real mission. I will arrange it for the Patriot Council. Yes, Mr. President."

Crazedwraith · Post by **Crazedwraith** » 2003-11-29 07:26am

A good start. I like the main characters name.

:P

Comosicus · Post by **Comosicus** » 2003-11-29 09:23am

pretty good by now. Pay more attention to your stile. You repeat words very often and some phrases start with "he then" and others like that. Try to switch words and maybe to describe the stage and the impact of the actions instead of " he move", "he did". Or you can use some more dialogue.

But after all, it's a good start. I'm sure some of the other authors will give you better advices

Agent Fisher · Post by **Agent Fisher** » 2003-11-29 02:44pm

Thanks for the feedback. As I said this was the prolouge and is the first real story that I have written, so the way it is written will get better over time.