StarDestroyer.Net BBS

DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know this is just reworking someone elses humour to fit another book, sort of a one song to the tune of another thing, but as these two things are big influences on me, this is my way of testing my knowledge on the issue and generally having a bit of fun.


I know it's not hilarious, but it's more of me seeing if I can actually convert the entire Fellowship of the Ring entirely to Monty Python rather than trying too hard to be funny, although there are a couple of lines which I am well pleased with.

I'm actually up to scene 10 so far and Bree so far, but I don't want to post it all right away, as then I manage to stay ahead of the game with my writing, this will be finished within the next week or so, as I have a long international flight and nothing else to do, so this should keep me entertained.

Havent forgotten about that Trek fic I started, but this is light stuff and is more fun to write at the minute, will get back to the Trek fic at some point hopefully.




Prologue

*camera looks out onto the dark plains of Gorgoroth*
*orcs and elves and men litter the ground*

*something stirs in the distance*
*lonely figure comes running towards the camera*
*figure is in full battle armour and missing a finger*

Sauron: It’s…

*explodes*

Announcer: Monty Tolkien’s Lord of the Flying Circus Ring





Scene One - Gandalf

*camera cuts to the shire, Gandalf is travelling in his cart towards the shire*
*John Cleese is tied up in the back*

John Cleese: In this scene, there are 47 hobbits. None of them are from Bree.

*goes past a bush*

John Cleese: That, was Mr Frodo Baggins, of Bag-End, The Shire, Middle Earth, SE14. He could not be seen. However, he has chosen a very obvious bit of cover.

*bush explodes*

Frodo, smoking: Damnit, Gandalf…

Gandalf: Sorry.

*children run after Gandalf*

Children: Fireworks, Gandalf, Fireworks…

Gandalf: In this scene, there are 5 annoying children, none of them can be seen…

Frodo: What do you mean, they’re right there…

*children explode*

Gandalf: And there go the children…

*hobbit hole explodes*

Gandalf: And there goes where they were born

*forest explodes behind them*

Gandalf: And there goes where they played…

John Cleese: And now for something completely different…
*cut to the Old Forest, Old Man Willow explodes*







Scene Two – A Long Expected Party

*Bilbo stands on the platform*

Bilbo: My dear Boffins, Bwacegiwdles, Pwoudfoots,

Sinister cloaked rider at the back: Pwoudfeet!

Frodo: Who the hell’s he?

Crowd: He’s from Bwee!
Crowd: He’s a Wobber…
Gandalf: He’s a bloody Wingwaith… dammit *slaps himself* a bloody Ringwraith

Bilbo: Wight, watch carefully Fwodo…

Frodo: Who?

*Bilbo thwows him to the floow*

Bilbo: How to defend yowself against a Wingwaith armed with a Banana, you, Mr. Apwicot…

Ringwraith: Angmar!

Bilbo: Sowwy, Angmaw, come at me with that Nazgul Banana, come on, be as vicious as you like with it… now, Fwodo, it’s quite simple to deal with the Banana Waith, all you have to do is welease the tigew.

Tiger: Rarrrr…

Ringwraith: Aieeeee…

Crowd: Where’d he get the Tiger?

Passing Izzard: Oh, grow up…

Bilbo: Note that the advantage of the Tigew is that he will not only eat the Banana, but will weduce the wingwaith to its spiwit fowm and send it back to Mowdow so we can use it again in a latew scene. The Tigew however does not weduce the Balwog. Anyway, whewe was I? Oh yes…

My dear Pwoudfoots, Chubs, Tubs, Lockholm, Sackly, Millbo, Hasset, and Bewnewd.

Crowd: Those are all Cricketers, Bilbo…

Bilbo: Ah spit…

*howls of derisive laughter*

Bilbo: Anyway, I know not half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of y- aww, sod it, now, watch closely, Fwodo…

*tiger devours the crowd*

Bilbo: You wanna come back to my place?

Gandalf: Yeh, ok…





Scene Three: My Preciousss…

Gandalf: I wish to register a complaint!

Bilbo: Look Gandalf, I’m going on holiday…

Gandalf: Never mind that, my boy, I want to complain about that Tiger which you pulled out of your arse earlier this evening…

Bilbo: I really need to be getting on…

Gandalf: Not to mention that Ring you keep playing with.

Bilbo: Oh yes, the Wing I got in a pawty cwackew? What’s wong with it?

Gandalf: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad, it’s a ring of power, that’s what’s wrong with it…

Bilbo: No no, it’s not a Great Wing, Gandalf, it’s a cheap Chwistmas one, wemarkable wowk though, it’s got Made in Taiwan witten all ovew it…

Gandalf: The writing don’t enter into it, it’s a bloody Great Ring.

Bilbo: No, no, it’s a Chwistmas novelty.

Gandalf: Alright then, if it’s a Christmas novelty, put it on…

*Bilbo does so and vanishes and reappears again*

Bilbo: There, see, pewfectly nowmal…

Gandalf: No, it wasn’t, you disappeared…

Bilbo: I nevew!

Gandalf: Yes, you did! *shouts at ring* Hello, Sauron… wakey wakey, testing, show an eye, this is your missing ring of power…

*ring whispers sinisterly*

Bilbo: It’s a joke wing, I nicked it from Gollum.

Gandalf: Joke Ring?!

Bilbo: Yeh! Gollum told me it would do that as he gave it to me, it’s got one of those sound boxes, it does Michael Caine impwessions.

Gandalf: Look Bilbo, I’ve had enough of this. That is a Ring of Power, and what’s more, when you first got it, you assured me that Gollum had given it to you as a reward for eating his wandering minstrels?

Bilbo: Listen mate, if I hadn’t taken that wing, Gollum would have hunted me to the Shiwe, wipped open the door with his teeth, and boom...

Gandalf: Boom? Bilbo, Gollum wouldn’t boom if I shoved my wand up his arse. This is the One Ring!

Bilbo: No, no, it's precious!

Gandalf: It's not precious, it's the One, this Ring is pure evil, it must cease to be, it's trying to meet it's maker, if you hadnt nicked it from Gollum, you'd be pushing up the daisies. This... is a Ring of Power!

Bilbo: Well, I’d bettew give it to Fwodo then… anyway, I’m off, I need a holiday, I saw it in the bolouw supplement…

Gandalf: The bolouw supplement?

Bilbo: Yes, I just notibed that I seem to have pibked up another speech defebt. I ban’t say the letter B.

Gandalf: Right, stop this, it’s silly, it started out as a nice little idea about the Parrot sketch, but there’s only so much Monty Python you can get into one scene… go on, piss off to Rivendell with you, I must go and look at some things, there are questions that must be answered.

Bilbo: Bilbo Baggins, A holiday, and an African or a European?

Gandalf: Oh, shut up…

Scene Four: A Brief Interlude…

Announcer: And so Gandalf rode off to find the answers to the questions he had, first he rode to Minas Tirith, accompanied by his favourite minstrels…

Gandalf: Oh, no he didn’t…

*patented Gandalf lackey-be-gone explosion*

*makes his way to the tower of Minas Tirith*

*reads*

“I shall now attempt to retrieve the ring from the battlefield, in order to prevent me from succumbing to its humorously evil effects, I will be exposed to a naked Elrond and the Elven Mournful Close Harmoney Singing group.”

Isildur

“There goes a brave man, whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be one of the bravest moments in the history of Man…”

A Naked Elrond

“Muahaha-ahahahah-eehahahaha…”

Isildur

Gandalf: Oh bloody hell…








Scene Five: The Shadow of the Gumby

Frodo: Rumpletweezer ran the dinky tinky shop, down in Dingly Dell, there he sold… ah, Gandalf, you’re back, what news?

Gandalf: Read all about it, Pirhana Brothers escape. Oh, and er, where’s the Ring?

Frodo: It’s over there, I’ll get it…

*Gandalf knocks it into the fire*

Gandalf: Is it just me or is that ring making religious noises and burning more than Tolkien said it would?

Frodo: Oh no, oh no…

Gandalf: What is it?

Frodo: We’ve just set fire to our Ring shaped Deacon.

Gandalf: One more pun out of you, shorty, and we’ll be setting fire to more than that.

Frodo: Fine, here it is… but the fire’s gone down now.

Gandalf: Where there’s a will… *turns to ring and says in a deep voice* This is the voice of the Mordor Ones, we know you can hear us, Middle Earth men…

*ring glows and green rings float around the room before projecting onto the ceiling*

Gandalf: Can you see, Frodo, are there markings?

Frodo: No, that crater you left in the roof from last years Christmas party is in the way…

Gandalf: Oh for the love of… the Punchline is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here, but in the common tongue the gist is…

I’m a ring of olden fable,
Waging War whenever able
Read The Dark Punchline
Of Saurons Mind
And you’ll impersonate Clark Gable…
Don’t throw me through a volcanic roof…
As…I’m…not…guaranteed…fire…proof…


Frodo: What must I do?

Gandalf: You must cut down the mightiest…err… I mean, you must take the Ring deep into Mordor, where the Shadows are forming together for their comeback tour, and cast the Ring into the Fires of Mount Doom, there hopefully, we’ll run out of Monty Python references and this whole business will get bored and *moaning outside* go- aw…hang on…

*Gandalf pours a bucket of water out of the window*

Gumbies: Sorry… Sorry….

Gandalf: Shut up! Bloody Gumbies…

Gumbies: Sorry…

Gandalf: Anyway, I think you could do with a sidekick to help you through it to the end, hint hint, so we’ve narrowed it down to the local gardener or Mao Tse Tung.

*distant voice calls… welease the tigew…*

Tiger: Rawrrrrrrr….

Gandalf; So we’ve narrowed it down to the local gardener or the tiger.

Frodo: I don’t know, Gandalf, that one looks like he’d really love me sliding down his throat, and the Tiger looks pretty scary…

Gumbies: Get…on…with… it…

Tiger: Rawwrrrrrr

Gumbies: A…a…a…a

*Gandalf shuts window*

Gandalf: Well, guess that settles it then… I’m off to ponce around in Isengard for a while, get yourself over to Bree, make a few cheese puns for a while and wait for me there.








Scene Six: Camp-Orthanc-Bashing

*Gandalf rides up to Isengard, carefully ignoring all the people in Orc costumes playing at military reenactments*


*Gandalf goes into Orthanc*
Gandalf: Sawuman… bah, bloody hobbits, *slaps self again* Saruman… arghhh…

Saruman: No, no, old friend, hold your head like this, and go wahhhh…

*hits Gandalf on head with plastic lightsaber*

Gandalf: Wargghh

Saruman: Better, but…

Gandalf: Look, I came here to tell you that I think Frodo has the Ring of Power…

Saruman: Oh, sorry, this is ‘be betrayed by your CO and set up a side plot involving singing trees and vigilante poetry lessons’ in here…

Gandalf: What a stupid concept.

Policeman: Right, stop that, I am placing you both under arrest under the pointless part of the story act, I am Professor Tolkien, Middle Earth Silliness Special Flying Squad…
Both: Flying Prof of the Yard?

Policeman: Stop it! Now, I’m sentencing Christopher Lee to being stuck playing the same Star Wars role for the rest of his days, and I’m going to shove Ian Mckellan on top of the tower without your staff so you can make a daring escape and mysteriously recover it. This should prevent the scene from getting any further from the point of the story and shou…wait a minute…

Policeman No.2: Hold it!

Policeman: It’s a fair cop.

This is all quite silly.

Thank you. Not that it takes much brain power mind you, 95% of the humour is Monty Python's, not mine, I can't take any credit for it.

But don't expect to get backing for it, as the Ministry of Silly Fanfics only gets precisely three point six pounds per annum for the development and cultivation of silly fanfics, and so you see that we must be ratheh selective with regard to who, or indeed whom, even, receives financial backing.

These are perilous times for the Silly Fanfic; as you know, Silly Fanfics were heavily hunted throughout the latter half of the last century for their silky coats and delectible meat, and, sadly, poaching continues even today!

With that in mind, I'd like you all to join hands with me as we sing a song of protest on behalf of the loveable, the elusive and the mildly erotic Silly Fanfic!

Kumbaya, m'lord... kumbay --
*gunshot*
thud

Scene Seven: Journey from the Shire…

*In the Tourist and Ring of Power Information Center in Hobbitton*

Ringwraith: Ah, Good day to you, my good sir, I was riding through the Shire, doing my master’s evil bidding when I suddenly noticed your sign, and became ravenous for information…

Hobbit: Eh?

Ringwraith: Tell me stuff.

Hobbit: Ah, I thought you were complaining about the Beatles.

Ringwraith: Not at all, I delight in all forms of the Liverpudlian Menace

Hobbit: Eh?

Ringwraith: Ee, I like a nice tune…

Hobbit: Ahhh..

Ringwraith: Indubitably, so I’m here looking for information regarding the purveying of some circular metallic objects with mysterious powers.

Hobbit: I’m sorry?

Ringwraith: Tell me about the Rings.

Hobbit: Well sir, this is the finest Ring Information Shop in the District sir, we’ve got err…

Ringwraith: Do you know where the first Elven Ring is?

Hobbit: Not at the end of the week, sir…

Ringwraith: Do you know where the second elven ring is?

Hobbit: Normally, sir, yes, but today, the spy broke down.

Ringwraith: Tish tish, not my day really…

Hobbit: Sorry sir…

Ringwraith: The Third Elven Ring?

Hobbit: Yes sir?

Ringwraith: Ahh, excellent, do tell…

Hobbit: Oh, sorry sir, I thought you were talking to me, Mr Thethir Delvenring.

Ringwraith: The 1st Lost Ring of the Dwarves?

Hobbit: No

Ringwraith: The 2nd Lost Ring of the Dwarves?

Hobbit: Yes.

Ringwraith: Excellent, well, I’ll have that…

Hobbit: Well, it’s a bit hot and runny, sir…

Ringwraith: Not a problem, my master’s got a forge…

Hobbit: It’s very hot and runny sir…

Ringwraith: I don’t care how runny it is, hand it over with all speed.

Hobbit: Awwww…

Ringwraith: What?

Hobbit: The Dragon consumed it.

Ringwraith: Has it?

Hobbit: She, sir.

Ringwraith: Any other Dwarven Rings?

Hobbit: No.

Ringwraith: Any other of the lesser Great Rings?

Hobbit: Well, I’m afraid we don’t get much call for them round here sir…

Ringwraith: Not much call? They’re the key part of a master plan to enslave all of Middle Earth!

Hobbit: Not round here, sir.

Ringwraith: And what ring is in demand round here?

Hobbit: The One Ring sir. It’s quite staggeringly popular with that there Frodo Baggins, squire.

Ringwraith: Alright, I’m game. Do you know where it is, he asks, expecting the answer no.

Hobbit: I’ll have a look, sir. N………………no.

Ringwraith: Figures. Do you have information on Rings whatsoever?

Hobbit: Oh yes…

Ringwraith: Really?

Hobbit: No, not really, I was deliberately wasting your time, covering for Frodo who’s on his way to Bree with the Ring of Power.

Ringwraith: Well, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to pierce your heart with a Morgul Blade.

Hobbit: Right-ho sir.

Ringwraith: What a senseless waste of a midget actor…






Scene Eight: The Old Forest Redux

*Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are standing by a large still smoking crater*

Merry: And we’re standing here because?

Pippin: Well, aren’t we supposed to be waiting for Old Man Willow to ensare us and such like?

Merry: Well someone blew up Old Man Willow in Scene One, which brings us back to the question, what are we doing here?

Frodo: Look, I don’t know, Gandalf said to go to Bree, the quickest way is to go through the Old Forest, Merry started rambling on about the Withywindle in that ‘I bet we end up there’ kind of way, and some key plot point has been obliterated by a random act of authorial authority, I didn’t expect a kind of-

Man in Red: I wouldn’t say that if I were you…

Frodo: Who the Hell are you?

Man in Red: I am Cardinal Ximenez of Spain.

Frodo: Really?

Cardinal Ximenez: No. Not really. You wanna come back to my place?

*later, at Cardinal Ximenez’s place*

Cardinal Ximenez: Biggles, make ready the Comfy Chairs!

Biggles: The Comfy Chairs?!

Cardinal Ximenez: Fang? Bring us some tea and biscuits! We shall see what these hobbits are made of…

Fang: Sorry, My Lord, I was tea with these architect free masons, I’ll have to get some from … the Rack!

Cardinal Ximenez: *to self* Oh dear…

Frodo: Anyway, we’ve got this Ring…

Cardinal Ximenez: Yes, the One Ring, that must be taken to, Two Mount Dooms, to ensure that Middle Earth will be free, three Middle Earths.

Frodo: Errr… yeh. Well, err, do you want it?

Cardinal Ximenez: Love to, two or three buts, there’s this problem

*red phone rings*

Cardinal Ximinez: (sigh) Hello? Yes, we’ll be right there… Cardinal Biggles, Cardinal Fang, to, two, three the Bat Caves from the Colonial Oppressors!

Biggles: What?

Cardinal Ximinez: Just go… take care, Frodo, and if you ever need us… read this…

*hands Frodo a piece of paper*

Cardinal Ximinez: Hurry Biggles! They’ve started the Credits already…







Scene Nine: Fog on the Barrowdowns

Frodo: Merry? Sam? Pippin? Where are you? I can’t see a thing?

*The barrow loomed around him and over him, as some sinister presence drew him in… ghostly figures emerge from the mist around him*

Ghost of Merry: The Witch King of Angmar was a perfect gentlemen, and what’s more, he knew how to treat a female impersonator…

Ghost of Pippin: … as Gloucester from King Lear, only to discover that he had gone back to Cardiff…

Ghost of Sam: Oh for heavens sake, you two, get a grip, we’re dead…

Ghost of Merry: But how?

Ghost of Pippin: The Salmon Moose.

Ghost of Sam: But we didn’t eat Mousse.

Ghost of Pippin: No, the Salmon Moose, look, over there…

Ghost of Pink Antlered Beast: Mahoooo!

Frodo: When you three have quite finished with the jokes that only work in audio form?

Ghosts: Sorry.

Frodo: Anyway, where are we and what's going on?

*Distant Roar*

Frodo: It’s the Dreaded Black Beast of Arghhhhh!

Ghosts: No, it isn’t.

Frodo: Yes, it is.

Ghosts: No, it isn’t.

Frodo: Yes, it is.

Ghosts: Look. We haven’t got time to argue…

Frodo: This isn’t arguing, this is just contradiction!

*the hulking shadow comes closer*

Frodo: Oh Shit! It’s Mr Creosote!

Ghosts: Told you so.

*fumbling, Frodo reaches for the piece of paper and reads…*

Frodo: Ididno Texpe Ctakind Ofspan Ishinquis Ition…

Cardinal Ximinez and the Spanish Inquisiton: Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition! Bloody Hell, that was a sprint and a half… I’m knackered. Our chief weapon is surprise. That’s all. And this wafer thin mint. Take it, and be free, three weapons, surprise, fear, cunning and ruthless efficiency… *fades*

*Frodo throws the Wafer Thin Mint at the Lumbering Titan*

*Mr Creosote does what he does best, and paints the barrow with a new shade of speckled orange*

Merry, Sam and Pippin: What? Where are we?

*in the distance, carried on the wind, they hear faintly “And an Almost Fanatical Devotion to the Pope and Nice Red Uniforms”*

Now this is just silly.

im sorry but the minister for funny fanfics has just had his back broken by a falling piano so we afaraid that funding wont be released till at leat the next millenium

A monty tolkien TC is something I really cherish[/mary stewart]
This is so great, I can't wait to print out the whole thing.

HEY YOU MISSED A QUOTE!!!!

The_Lumberjack wrote: Cardinal Ximenez: No. Not really. You wanna come back to my place?

.... You wanna come back to my place? Bouncy Bouncy


*snicker*

jenat-lai wrote:HEY YOU MISSED A QUOTE!!!!

The_Lumberjack wrote: Cardinal Ximenez: No. Not really. You wanna come back to my place?

.... You wanna come back to my place? Bouncy Bouncy


*snicker*

[pythonobsessive hat on] No I didnt, that line was used in several episodes in different sketches... [/pyhonobsessive hat off]

Didnt get as much typed on the flight as I'd hoped, due to some git with his chair spaced out, the git. Will put more up tomorrow hopefully.

You know, that Lumberjack, he's okay.

Raoul Duke, Jr. wrote:You know, that Lumberjack, he's okay.

Wow, ROFL, I've never heard that one before...

Sarcasm is so underrated. Anyway, without further ado, the next batch, and another not far away I hope.







Scene Ten: Bree

Sam: …

Frodo: …

Pippin: Oh, I’ve got one… wait… no…

Frodo: What about, this is no gouda?

Merry: Bit contrived…

Frodo: I thought so, never mind. Well…

Sam: … why are we doing this again?

Frodo: Gandalf said to think of a few cheese puns while we waited, this is just an attempt at plot continuity.

Merry: No let’s not do that. It is a silly thing.

All: Right.

*Merry enters the Prancing Pony*

Frodo: Merry, get your head out of him, we’re going to the pub, remember.

Merry: Sorry…

*all go into pub*

Frodo: Who are you, who can summon beer with hops or students?

Barman: I… am a bartender.

Frodo: By what name are you known?

Barman: There are some who call me Barliman.

Frodo: Greetings, Barliman the Bartender.

Barman: Greetings, Mr Underhill!

Frodo: Gasp, you know my carefully selected pseudoname guessable only to anyone who’s read the Hobbit?

Barman: I do. You carry a suspiciously humourous metal circular object and journey to a rather hot and fiery place to have a convenient accident…

Frodo: Yes, I know.

Barman: Just making sure. Never hurts to have a recap.

Frodo: We are looking for Gandalf the Grey, can you help us?

Barman: I cannot give you Gandalf the Grey, but I can offer you food and shelter…

Frodo: Oh, excellent…

Barman: Up these stairs lies a room, the room for shorter guests, wherein, various things which will enable you to construct several hobbit dummies to fool enemies of Sherlock Holmes and Nazgul are stored…

Frodo: Can you show us this room?

Barman: Follow! But! Follow only if ye can cope stairs, for I have no stair lift, and if ye fear nothing, for the entrance to your room is guarded by a creature so bizarre and so contrived, that noone has bothered to go in that room again. Bones of left over chicken dinners lie strewn about his stool, so wee hobbits, if you do doubt your courage, or your strength, climb not these stairs, for Strider awaits you all… with nasty big pointy swords!

Frodo: Oh, get on with it.

Barman: Yes, get on with it.

Frodo: Are you talking to yourself?

Barman: Yes.

*They climb the stairs*

Barman: This is a dashing and swarthy man who is hiding behind that enormous false beard in order to disguise his true identity. For when Strider eats a banana, he has to lift his beard, and you can tell that he is infact, Aragorn, son of Arathorn.

Aragorn: Ah, you want to join the Mordor Experience Tour do you?

Frodo: Well, yes, you see we have this ring,,,

Aragorn: Yes, you first.

Frodo: What?

Aragorn: I wasn’t talking to you, carry on…

Frodo: Well, we’ve got this ring and we need to take it to Mount Doom and throw it in the fires to destroy it.

Aragorn: Right, well, we’ll have to cancel our bridge building between Carahadrasses, but other than that, we’re up for it.

Frodo: Can you lead us to Mount Doom safely?

Aragorn: Yes, on leaving Brees we’ll make our way through the marshes to Amun Suls, then along the forest roads to Rivendells, hence Mordorish and then get through the Black Gates, and then ask. Does anyone speak Orc?

Sam: I think most of them do down there.

Aragorn: Excellent, well, time for some introductions, we are Aragorns, sons of Arathorns, you must be Frodo’s, the two Gandalf’s told me about you. You must be careful, for the Eighteen Riders are out in force, they seek the two rings, and they will stop at nothing to get them. Fortunately, they’re easily fooled by the old pillows under the sheets routines, and we’ll get you out of here on one or other of tomorrow mornings.

*Later that evening, Frodo, Sam and the Gang are hiding under the beds*

*there’s a knock on the door*

Aragorn: We are poor old men, our sight is dim, our swords are broken, we can’t decide whether we’re kings or not… yes?

Ringwraith 1: We have reason to believe one Mr Underhill is hiding in here, we’ve come to stab his pillows…

Aragorn: Pillows? No, we’re lawabiding Numenorean rejects, we have no time for pillows.

Ringwraith 1: Quiet, silly persons… person. Search the room!

*Eight ringwraiths jog in, queue much pillow stabbing and underwear stealing*

Ringwraith 1: You know what’ll happen if we find anything in there?

Aragorn: No.

Ringwraith 1: I’m going to pierce your heart with a Morgul Blade.

Aragorn: Ohh.

Ringwraith 1: Nasty, eh?

Aragorn: Could be worse.

Ringwraith 1: What do you mean?

Aragorn: Well, you could get swallowed by some sort of Giant Kinky Tree.

Ringwraith 1: What? That’s virtually painless, a Morgul Blade draws you into the shadow world to serve our dark master for eternity, it’s a slow horrible death without death.

Aragorn: Well, at least you get time to think.

Ringwraith 1: You’re weird.

*Ringwraiths jog out*

Ringwraith 2: We found this lever, sir.

Ringwraith 1: Well done, No.2.

*pulls lever*

Tiger: Rawrrrr!

Aragorn: Phew, that was close.









Scene Eleven: Amon Sul

*night in the marshes, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are asleep, Aragorn sits up smoking his pipe*

Aragorn sings: Fiddle de dum, Fiddle de dee, Arwen, the Even Star, Ho ho ho, Ha ha Har, Arwen the Even Star… We love this half-elven fluzzee-ee, ran into accidentally, one summer afternoon by me, We love her carnally… semi carnally…

Frodo: Cyril Connolly?

Aragorn: No, Semi-carnally.

Frodo: Ahhh…

Aragorn musing: Cyril Connolly, de do do do doo doo doo doo, do do do dee do do do, do do do de do de do, do de do doooo do.

Frodo: You realise none of that works in a text format?

Aragorn: Shhh.

*come morning*

Aragorn: We must make for the great watchtowers of Amon Suls, there we will make second camp, and it is but a short distance to Rivendells from there.

Sam: Is he going to talk like that all the way through?

*later that day, at the Watch Tower of Amon Sul*

Aragorn: Here we are, the Great Watch Towers of my Peoples. We’re going to see if we can find any trace of one or the other of the Gandalfs, don’t do anything stupid while we’re gone.

Merry: … right, who’s for flambé?

Sam: We’re out of firewood.

Pippin: Nah, look over here, there’s a few dead bishops…

Sam: Are you sure they’re bishops? They could be-

Frodo: Haven’t we done that joke already?

Merry: And it’s tattooed on the back of their necks. This one’s Leicester. And this one looks a bit Bath’n’Wellsish to me.

Frodo: Who care’s, they burn don’t they?
*later, Aragorn returns, yes, I know it was later on in the book, sue me*

Aragorn: What the Hells? Are you all stupid?

Frodo: Mmm…ahh…mm…Aragorn, tiger leg, we could do you a couple of spare ribs if you like…

Aragorn: Oh, alright then, you talked us into it. But we should really put the fire out, the Eighteen Black Riders are out and about, nursing some rather nasty tiger bits on their cloaks.

*they put the fire out and hide, hearing the riders go past with a clatter of coconut shells*

Aragorn: There… We think we’re safe.

*but a dark will is pulling Frodo’s mind, dragging him to the top of the watchtower, he stands, holds the ring high in the air and calls out*

Frodo: Elllo Ducky Mordor Ringwraiths and Monsieur Witch King of Angmar who ‘as the brain of a duck, you know! So, we ‘obbit folks outwit you a second time-a, with your silly knees bent, running about and scouring behaviour. I wave my private parts at your one-eyed Dark Master and call your puny scouring of the shire attempt a silly thing! You silly Nazg-erp…

*is wrestled to the floor by Sam and Merry before he can wave his private parts at their one eyed master*

Pippin: Sam, pull his trousers back up for God’s sake, what are we going to do? They’re coming this way and we’re fresh out of Tigers!

Aragorn: Fellows, We have a plan, fellows…

*The Ringwraiths burst into the Watchtower top and stop dead at the sight before them*

Aragorn in drag: Welcome, brave ringwraiths, welcome to the Watch Tower Amon Sul. It’s not a very good name, but we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need…

*claps his hands*

Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin, all in drag: Yes, oh mistress…

Aragorn in drag, wimple slipping: Attend to our guests…

All: Oh thank you, thank you…

Aragorn: Away, away… and take them with you… now, you must spend some time with the two of us…
*The hobbits lead the eight ringwraiths away and Aragorn leads the Witchking away to another corner of the Watchtower*

…

Ringwraiths: Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

*all run out screaming, pursued by the half cooked Tiger*

*Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Merry and Aragorn all stand at the door, smoking cigarettes*

Sam: Mr Frodo, they’ve stabbed you!

Frodo: Bloody Kinky Bastards.

Merry: That looks serious, Frodo.

Frodo: S’just a flesh wound…

Merry: You liar…

Frodo: Come on, y-

*collapses, revealing Aragorn standing behind him*

Merry: Wow, Aragorn, you know the Vulcan Neck Pinch?

Aragorn: …errr, yeh, neck pinch…








Scene Twelve: Hobbit-Stretching-Time

Merry: He’s dying, we’ve got to do something.

Aragorn: Nah, they’re stunned.

Sam: Got the T-shirt on that one, mate.

Pippin: Shouldn’t we call an ambulance?

Merry: We need an Elf.

Aragorn: Why not call the Elf Ambulance?

Merry: Alright. The Elf Ambulance.

Arwen: How do, chaps, what goes on here?

Aragorn: Oh, Arwens, one of the Frodo’s has been injured, if only Hobbit Express Courier Womens were here…

*Arwen rolls her eyes*

Arwen: Wait, I think I know where I can find her… look, over there, a badger with a gun!

*whilst they are distracted, Arwen pulls of her cloak to reveal…*

Hobbit Express Courier Woman: Do not worry, I am here!

Sam: Gasp! Is it a Newspaper Delivery Boy?

Pippin: Is it a Milkman?

Both: No! It’s Hobbit Express Courier Woman!

*Arwen picks up Frodo and puts them on the back of her overly large African Swallow, equipped with coconuts*

*caption flashes up: LIFT!*

Merry: See how she uses her hands to lift up Frodo!

*caption flashes up: SECURE*

Pippin: Why, she’s securing him with a leather strap.

Aragorn: They never did that for us…

Aragorn no.2: Tch, Women.

Hobbit Express Courier Woman: There, I shall take him to Rivendell, I shall ride hard, I’ll get there in five point two hours. Ish. I mean, if the traffics good and the weather holds, I could make it in four and half, but it’s an estimate, I mean, obviously, if I get hassle from the Black Riders, then it might be longer, but I’d say, 7 out 10 times, it’ll take me an average of about five point three hours. 6 out of 10, maybe, there’s always the chance that I’ll set off the river alarm on the way through, so…

Hobbits: *interrupting* Our Heroine…

Hobbit Express Courier Woman: Oh, that’s alright, it’s all in a days work for Hobbit Express Courier Woman.

*rides off, with the swallow following behind knocking the coconuts together*

Aragorn: Whereever there is are two hobbits in need of a ride somewhere, wherever there are halflings with vital organ transplants to deliver, there will be Hobbit Express Courier Women, wherever international communism threatens the Shires, with their evil red sinister ways… damn the Commie Bastards… damn them, crush the dirty red scum… Dieeee! Dieeee!

Pippin: Those riders are getting nearer…

Aragorn: Okey dokey. Alright, stick close, and watch out for the Killer Cars…




The next chapters should be along soon, although I'm not too happy with the upcoming chapter, although the one after it, I'm well chuffed with. Adios Gringos!

The_Lumberjack wrote:*Arwen picks up Frodo and puts them on the back of her overly large African Swallow, equipped with coconuts*

Are you referring to the ones carried by the overly large swallow, or Arwen's.... ahem....

Who? Me? We-ell, maybe a little... but only in passing.

EDIT: Dammit man, with your crazy editing of your post as I was typing a response... , a little from column A, a little from column B...