StarDestroyer.Net BBS

here it is.

Star Wars:
Soldiers Bond
By Agent Fisher
Chapter One

Location: Skies of Gath’Mogg

Master Sergeant Mike York stood in the drop bay of the freighter, modified for the Airborne. He was in charge of 1st and 2nd squads, 1st Platoon, D Company, 2nd Battalion, 406th Airborne Infantry Regiment, 26th Airborne Division, Outer Rim, New Republic Army. They were the HellJumpers, one of the toughest units in the entire Airborne. Ten of the men had fought at Endor, six months ago. Their mission this day was to help liberate the planet of Gath’Mogg. They had to capture the Starport at the capital of Mogg.

A red light flickered on at the jump doors. York faced the men in the bay. “STAND UP,” yelled York. The men stood up and faced the doors. “POWER UP,” multiple repulsor whines could be heard in the bay as JumPacks were turned on. “EQUIPMENT CHECK.” The men started checking their E-14 and E-11 blasters, their DL-38 Pistols, Frag grenades, jump gear, helmets, extra gear bags, and ammo pouches. “SOUND OFF CHECK.” “30 OK.” “29 OK.” “28 OK.”…“3 OK.” “2 OK.” “1 OK.” Once the check was complete the men just stood and waited for the light to turn green. After a few long moments the light flashed green. “GO GO GO!” The men started leaping through the door and into the night sky. When the last man jumped, York followed him out the door. As he fell towards the ground, his mind flashed to the briefing that morning.

“Your task is to capture and secure the Starport at Mogg. The Starport is critical to bring down the heavy equipment quickly.” Said Colonel McPherson, Commander of all Airborne forces for the Gath’Mogg Campaign. Gath’Mogg was a critical system. It could serve as a staging ground and had easy access into Core systems. “You all know your jobs, you have gone over the diagrams hundreds of times. So lets get to work. We move out in four hours. Good luck.” With that the Non-Coms and Officers filed out of the briefing room and headed for the equipment bays. Once there they met their troops and proceeded to prepare for the drop.

They took and serviced their weapons and specialty gear. Most men had the E-14 Blaster Assault Rifle, a larger and more powerful version of the E-11 Carbine. The medics, demolition men, and communication men all carried the E-11. The medics were also packing their med kits. The demolition men were packing thermal detonators, proton grenades, PLX-6 for use against armor( a Airborne trooper version of the PLX-2M). The communication men were preparing their comm gear. They put their DL-38 pistol in a hip holster. Then there were the heavy weapons. One light repeating blaster was issued pre-squad. The T-23 was a more compact and improved version of the T-21. There were two snipers per-platoon, they had a 14.5 mm silenced slug thrower rifle that fired explosive tipped rounds to blow through stormtrooper armor. After weapons they packed their extra gear bags. The men put rations, extra ammo, grenades, camo nets, and anything else they thought they would need. Next they dressed in their Battle uniforms, they put on their assault gear. They then headed to the mess hall to have dinner. The conversation was subdued as the men ate, wrote death letters, or just composed their thoughts. York looked at the men at his table. The were some veterans with him, he recognized Sergeants Teel, Little, Bryan, Spencer. He had fought and froze alongside them at Hoth, before the days of the Airborne. The rest of the men were replacements, eager to fight. The veterans simply wanted to survive. When they finished with dinner the men headed to the equipment bays to grab their weapons, gear bags, and jump gear. They then assembled in the hangar bay waiting to board the freighters. Once a board the freighters it was a quick Hyperspace jump to Gath’Mogg.

York snapped out of his memories as his JumPack kicked in. Once he landed on the ground he hit the quick release on the jump gear and ran to join his squads. Once the men had been accounted for they headed for the Starport, half a klick away. Once they got to the edge of the Starport they came under fire from snipers. The snipers were using blasters and the beams led the platoon snipers right to their position. Once the snipers were taken care of the men took the control center and locked out the TIE’s from leaving their hangars. They had appeared to catch the Imperials off guard. Captain Flint, who was in charge of the company, contacted fleet and told them to start the landings. Word came in shortly after that the transports were taking fire from a battery of turbo lasers hidden in one of the hangars at the Starport. Fighters couldn’t help with the battery, they were busy fighting off TIE Fighters from a star destroyer in orbit. The star destroyer was being beaten by the Mon Cal cruisers from the fleet. D Company was tasked with taking out the battery. As the men moved out, the replacements were excited, the veterans were calm, the squad leaders were discussing the best course of action. When they got within 200 meters of the battery, blaster bolts started to fly at them. The first shots missed and the company took cover. 1st platoon was ordered to flank the guns. When they started to move the rest of D Company laid down a base of fire for them to advance under. 1st platoon reached the side of the hangar and started getting ready to blow a hole in the wall and overpower the gun crew. York looked around as the demolition men prepared the explosives. ‘This had better work,’ thought York.

Quite good writing although a little over-deatailed and info dump inclined.
Two minor gripes:
1) Could you not have thought of a more orginal name? i know ur trying to emulate Band of brothers but still......
2)Too short

I will probally change the title. And this was the first chapter.

Also please read and reveiw.

Things which are good:

1. The plot is established fairly early on.
2. I like the idea of a SW fic focusing primarly on ground troops, so the premise is certainly good.
3. It starts in a way that captivates the reader with the attack on the Imperial base.
4. Attention to detail about the weapons.


Things which could be better:

1. Three sentences after each other all start with "Once..."- something which just doesn't seem right.
2. The level of detail is somewhat uneven. There's a lot of description of the Rebel soldiers' equipment, although the amount of detail about the attack on the Imperial starport could be more detailed about exactly what's happening.

You seem to be doing a summary, making things short. Your going too fast on the exciting part, the part where the Rebels start shooting at the Imps. Try slowing down, adding more detail, more talk, more screams, more shooting, more cussing, maybe dying and other stuff in those parts which will be gripping, action packed and crucial.

1st and 2nd squads, 1st Platoon, D Company, 2nd Battalion, 406th Airborne Infantry Regiment, 26th Airborne Division, Outer Rim, New Republic Army.

You should've made this shorter.

And you should make more paragraphs, and sometimes your paragraphs seem a bit crammed.

But your story is good, keep it up. I like soldier stories and your doing quite well.

Don't listen to me much, I'm not a pro, I'm just rambling and I'm probably repeating what the others are saying.

Peregrin Toker wrote:1. Three sentences after each other all start with "Once..."- something which just doesn't seem right.
2. The level of detail is somewhat uneven. There's a lot of description of the Rebel soldiers' equipment, although the amount of detail about the attack on the Imperial starport could be more detailed about exactly what's happening.

1)Your right. I expect to get better as time goes by.

2) The First Chapter was the insertion, taking the starport and moving to take care of the battery, the Second chapter will be about the attack on the battery.

New chapter by thursday.

I believe using Star Wars names for characters would be better than using english names.

evilcat4000 wrote:I believe using Star Wars names for characters would be better than using english names.

How about Luke?

@ Agent Fisher: [SHAMELESS PLUG] Try reading my fic, Soldiers of the Sovereignty[/SHAMELESS PLUG]. It's my first attempt in a real soldiering story. I used a few ideas from your story (mainly the snipers using blaster weapons) and maybe you could learn a few things from my story. I'm not bragging, I hope. Plus, I'm not that good a writer, so you won't have that much trouble learning from me. And I want more people to read my fic.

Peregrine Tooker would be proud of my shameless plugging.

Shroom Man 777 wrote:Peregrine Tooker would be proud of my shameless plugging.

Agent Fisher wrote:New chapter by thursday.

Checks watch. Hmmm friday?
Where in the black hells of the sith is it?

Here it is

Had some trouble

Chapter 2

As soon as the det-packs were set, York had two of the T-23 gunners set up to fire through the holes in the wall. Lt. Wheeler, leader of 1st platoon, gave the order. Four Det-packs went off at once. Before the smoke cleared 1st platoon was already rushing the first gun. For protection, the imps had used a large number of cargo crates to form a trench/barricade. 1st platoon reached the first Turbo laser that was firing through the open roof of the hangar. They were able to catch the imps off guard. York raised his rifle and fired a burst into the back of a imp army trooper retreating back to the second gun. As 1st platoon secured the gun, 2nd platoon was rushing through the holes blown in the wall. The company marksmen and T-23 gunners were doing a great job of keeping the imperials' heads down.

Just when it looked like that it would be easy, 3 E-Webs opened fire. York got on the comm and called for support.

"This is York, we are taking fire from E-Webs. Some body take them out!"

"We can't," came the reply of one of the T-23 gunners. "They're those ray-shielded type."

Nor could the snipers take them out. Because of the placements of the E-Webs, Turbo lasers, and their own position, they just couldn't get an angle. Three of the demolition men brought out their PLX-6's, took aim through the sights and fired at the E-webs. After they fired, the E-Webs didn't. Lt. Wheeler moved over to Lt. Johnson, commander of 2nd platoon, to decide who should move up next. As they were discussing it, a blaster bolt struck Lt, Johnson in the side. As he fell to the ground Lt. Wheeler yelled for a medic. Sergeant Teel, a medic, ran over to the Lt. He dropped his E-11 to the ground and opened his med kit. He took out a syrette of pain killer and gave the Lt. a dose. He took out a bacta bandage and put it over the wound. He stood up, " You'll be okay Lt." He said. While he said this a stray blaster bolt hit him in the back of his head. It boiled his brains causing his head to explode. Johnson stared at the headless body as it flopped to the ground. The replacements were getting really scared now, if a veteran of Hoth and Endor could be killed just like that, what were the odds that they would survive.

Lt. Wheeler didn't have time to be scared, he needed to take out those guns quickly. Making a quick decision he had 2nd platoon charge the second gun while 1st platoon covered them. As they charged the guns, the Imperials started to fall back. Seeing an opportunity 3rd platoon charged through the front of the hangar. The Imperials were in full retreat now, running out the back of the hangar. When they got outside, they were facing the guns of five NR repulsor tanks. They lowered their weapons and raised their arms.

While the demolition crews were finishing setting the explosives, 1st platoon escorted a company of Imperial troopers to a secure holding area. 2nd and 3rd platoon regroup outside the spaceport control center. York glanced at his chronometer, it had been five hours since they jumped. It felt like five days. When he was done escorting imps he trudged over to the control center. When he hooked back up with his platoon he had a seat and opened a ration. As he was eating he saw Lt. Williams walk up to Capt. Flint and hand him a data pad.

"Here are the figures sir. Sgt's Reid and Anderson were lost in the jump, as well as there squads. We lost Sgt Teel and five replacements in the attack on the guns. Lt Johnson is being sent back to the fleet for med treatment. Oh and sir, I have some bad news."

"What is it?"

"Well sir, the fleet got word that they are needed for a big offensive. I mean huge. However because high command doesn't want this to have been in vain, all ground forces are to remain and attempt to take the planet. They are leaving five transports, three fighter squadrons, and all the atmospheric craft they have to help us. After all the supplies and troops have been offloaded, the fleet will move out."

"Great, that's just fucking great!"

"Yeah well what can you do? Also we have got new orders. There is a group of imp troopers held up in a city not to far from here. We are the only infantry group fully assembled. So we were chosen to go."

"Well the men are tired. They been awake for hours, we give them four hours to rest then we move out."

"Yes sir."

"Dismissed." Said Flint.

When Williams was gone he made sure his weapon was alright, then he laid down and tried to sleep, wondering what the next five hours would bring.

York looked at Flint laying down and wondered what was going on. He figured that he would find out soon enough. York looked up at the transport coming down, and wondered what the future would bring.

evilcat4000 wrote:I believe using Star Wars names for characters would be better than using english names.

I'd like to see you try to come up with 20+ names for the troops.

That was one of the problems I had, coming up with names.

Hmm.... just try thinking of odd names.

As for your chapter, I like it. It's nice. Although you gotta make it longer and put more stuff. I like the part where the guy got shot on the arm, and the medic lost his head. I can see that you are making this like Band of Brothers. But just add more description, more noise, more cussing, add more substance to the battle. Add detail on how Imps get killed and stuff. Elaborate more on the battle because it seems like your just summarizing the events of the story.

But it's a good story nonetheless and your a good writer. You improved a lot when I compare this chap with your first, I hope your next chapter will also make a leap of improvement.

Agent Fisher wrote:I'd like to see you try to come up with 20+ names for the troops.

That was one of the problems I had, coming up with names.

I'd be happy to help you in the future if you need it.

The story seems to be coming along quite well. Looking forward to more.

Okay start. The only complaint I have is that the first paragraph might lack a little tension, though this is compensated for by the surprise that came when Lt. Williams told Flint of the new orders from above.

Thanks

It took me a while to think of a way for a long ground campaign. If there was a fleet in orbit the world would have fallen quickly.

update

chapter will be here by monday.

Well I said Monday but here it is.

Chapter 3

In the distance, blaster fire could be heard, through the pre-dawn darkness.

An Imperial Army trooper looked bored as he manned an E-Web. Of course he would have been a lot less bored if he knew he was being watched through a rifle scope. All around the edge of the town, 32 other troopers and officers were being targeted through rifle scopes.

Sgt. Little, one of the company snipers, had his rifle aimed on a Colonel. Judging by how much he was talking to others, Little guessed he was in charge of the defense of the town. Little went over the plan of attack once more in his mind.

“Alright, I want all the snipers and an entire platoon worth of guys to setup and prepare to snipe some of the troops,” said Capt. Flint. “Target the officers and E-Web gunners. Once the snipers have fired two volleys the rest of us will charge into the outskirts of the town. Then the Sharpshooter platoon will bring up the rear. Lt. Korr, I want you and third platoon out front. Be careful, we don’t know if the Imps have armor in this sector.”

Little gripped his rifle and steady the cross hairs.

“Sharpshooters, prepare to fire.”

“Sharpshooters, fire.”

Little pulled the trigger.

The rifle he fired used custom designed slugs. Made to pierce stormtrooper armor, they were explosive tipped and detonated on impact. The rebels found them to be very effective for the job. The 14.5 mm slug streaked from the suppressed rifle barrel and impacted the officer in the neck. The round detonated, turning his solid head into a puff of red blood and brain matter. Chunks of bone from his skull streak out ward. One pierced a trooper in the neck, he went down with a fountain of blood spraying from his neck. Another struck someone in the eye. He went down screaming. The men stood horrified at the killing they had just seen. As they stood there covered in blood and brain matter, another volley of fire came, three of the troopers dropped. All around the city 72 men dropped dead.

As soon as the second volley fired the men of D company were charging into the town.

Lt. Korr lead his platoon, along a wall and around a corner were they found ten Imps staring in opened mouth horror at the sight of their comrades. They realized too late that they had problems of their own. As the first one of the Imp started to turn their weapons, 3rd platoon fired. The Imps went down clutching burning flesh from their wounds. As the men passed, Korr could smell the stench of ozone and burning flesh. He fought the urge to vomit and chucked a frag grenade around a corner. After five seconds and it still hadn’t gone off, Korr was cursing himself as he removed the pin from another grenade and chucked it around the corner. The screams off men, who had been sliced with shrapnel, could be heard over the sounds of combat.
“This is 3rd platoon, we’ve got the Imps on the run.”

“First platoon encountering light resistance.”

“3rd platoon, this is Flint. Hold up and wait for the rest of D company-”

“THIS IS THIRD, OH FUCK WERE DID THEY COME FORM? WE RAN INTO A TRAP! We’ve got ATSTs and an ATAT coming at us. Requesting reinforcements and air suppor-- SHIT WE JUST LOST THIRD SQAUD, WE NEED HEL”

With that Flint lost contact with third platoon. He grabbed his comm man.

“Get me the CP.”

“CP, this is D company. Request reinforcements and air support.”

“Roger D company. A flight of X-Wings is being diverted to assist. ETA one minute.”

“We don’t have a minute.”

Lt. Jarren Korr sure thought that he had less than a minute to live. He was doing everything he could think of to stop those Imps from overrunning them. He had his T-23 gunners firing non stop. He was running out of ideas, then one struck him. He told a corporal with a PLX-6 to shoot at the Gyro system on one of the ATSTs. The corporal aimed and fired.

Whether by luck, skill, the force or a combination of the three, the rocket flew straight and true, and hit the right spot. The ATST took two more steps and fell right over.

Before his men could celebrate a sea of white surged forward. No matter how much Korr and his men fired, the stormies just kept on coming. Then the air support arrived.

The X-wings launched torpedoes into the ATSTs and ATAT. York and his men cheered as the armor went up in flames. But the stormies just kept on coming. As Korr was about to give more orders something slammed into his helmet and the world started to go black. Before it did, he saw two Sentinel landing craft coming in.

Then the world went black.






“Lt. Korr, you ok? Come on Lt. open you eyes.”

As Korr came to he felt someone slapping his face. He opened his eyes and saw a medic hunched over him. The medic shined a flashlight in his eyes.

“All right, Lt. Korr, no signs of a concussion. I have given you a dose of pain killer. Here let me help you up. There we go. Here’s your rifle. Though as your health care provider I must warn you, fire arms and narcotics don’t mix.”

“Funny,” said Korr.

“I thought so.” said the medic.

“By the way who drove off those Stormtroopers?”

“Well just as you got hit with the shrapnel, a couple of sentinels came in and about 40 to 50 wookies jumped out. I guess they were a heavy weapons unit, cause they all had either bow casters or T-21s. Let me tell you there is nothing more scary than 50 wookies, screaming at you, charging with heavy weapons. I have never seen stormies run so fast. By the way they want you at the regimental CP. It is a three story with a bunch of combat speeders sitting out front. Down that a way.” Said the medic, pointing down a street.

Korr thanked the man and started walking down the street, he came across some of his men. He learned that only two of his squads made it out alive. That put D company with basically only two platoons. As he continued down the street he saw a squad of Mon Cals working on one of their repulsor tanks. He saw a group of Bothan officers talking over a round of drinks. Finally he reached the CP. Walking in he removed his helmet and saw were the shrapnel had hit.

“Damn I was lucky.” Said Korr to himself.

“Yes you were,” said Capt. Flint. “How’s the head?”

“I’ll be fine sir. You wanted to see me.”

“Yeah I just wanted to say thanks for the good work and I am sorry about your squads. I have got some good news. General Singh leader of all forces on Gath’Mogg has decided to give the airborne a three day pass. I got to go to a meeting right now, but you take it easy you get me. Alright talk to you later.”

Flint walked into a conference room that Colonel McPherson was using to breif the airborne commanders.

“Alright, we got good news, bad news and news you just have to decide about your self. Bad news, turns out that our supplies that the fleet left us wont be enough to take the planet with. The good news, command tells me they found a massive ammo dump. The dump had everything, from fuel and ammo to spare parts; they found a fleet of LAAT from the Old Republic. They found enough armor that if we had the personnel we would have an entire armored division. The other news is that the imperials have, except for a few large pockets of resistance, retreated to a small continent that is heavily fortified. And our forces need to take it.”

This one has a quite fast-moving plot without confusing the reader, I like that.

However, there's one thing which puzzles me - Jarren Korr is obviously a character from Mike Wong's revised webpage... though on Mike's webpage he's an Imperial officer. Here, he's a Rebel Alliance officer. Will this be explained in future chapters?

Maybe. I put him in becuase he has a good name and I needed a third Platoon leader.

Can anyone else give me reveiws?

Tis Ok, for some reason i dislike your style of writing but i can't place my finger on why, it seems a bit diagalogue and info dump heavy with little plot or rather the plot seems to be on fast forward.

Hmmm.... there is some room for improvement, but I don't really know how you can improve since I'm an amateur too. But one major thing, you've gotta change the name. This is beginning to be more Band of Brothers than StarWars. Why don't you ask in the SW forum for fancy weird SW names.

Anyway, you need a plot twist. Something unexpected needs to happen.

ok I have been distracted lately but the next chapter will be hear by saturday

could I get a list of names for imperial officers and soldiers