[GSDA] The Fourth Annual Golden Stardestroyer Fanfic Awards!

[Dalton]

Winner's list will be posted in a seperate post.

EDITS 1 and 2: Fixed formatting errors...

[Somewhere in Wisconsin]

VOICE: Now boys, you know better than to try to assimilate Daddy. Time for bed!

*Two children are rushed out by a matronly figure with, apparently, gonzo-big tits, leaving the silhouette of a recliner in front of the glow of a television. A figure in the chair raises a small object, opens it with a hiss, holds aloft another small object, belches loudly and changes the channel...*

Space hung as a serene, white-dotted backdrop. It provided the kind of optical serenity that can only be achieved by gazing into infinitely deep blackness and being able to spot the outline of imaginary figures, including a spoon, a lion, assorted warriors, and possibly L. Ron Hubbard. Space didn't have to work long to achieve the desired mood; it had been serving as scenery for so long it had it down to a science. This made it all the more jarring when the opening screams of brass instruments were heard and the shining title appeared, covering over the image of space.

"THE GOLDEN STAR DESTROYER AWARDS"

Space sighed. Typecasting was a bitch.

Slowly, creeping back into the distance, words appeared in accordance with the Exposition Act of 1962. The interstellar pollution caused by random collisions of narrations caused an ice age on two worlds and religious chaos on a third when the gods had apparently sent them a message in the sky stating "Love is my saliva." But for now, the freshly minted words sailed up into space.

"Episode IV
It is a dark time for the fanfic committee.
Heavy workloads and erroneous links have
jeopardized the ceremony for the current
edition of the awards, bringing untold fear
across the galaxy. To ensure the
proceedings go as safe as possible, Rob
Dalton has moved the awards to the
GOLDEN STAR DESTROYER, a recently-
launched prototype vessel that houses a
supposedly indestructible arena. But even
with this and his loyal co-host, Kuja, the
danger remains. Armed only with their wits,
they attempt to transmit their awards across
the internet......"

Space slowly slides in the background as the image of a gold-painted star destroyer comes into view, moving with the kind of silence normally associated with a vacuum that will suck your eardrums out of your head.



*the figure leaps out of the chair, spilling the unknown liquid onto the floor*

CHUCK: The fuckers!



On the bridge, Dalton and Kuja checked the latest reports.

"I'm not sure we can contain that many rowdy denizens," the chief engineer said emphatically. "I mean, you've seen what these people can do; I don't think the ship is up to it."

"We need to have this ship ready," Dalton said. "I can't accept no for an answer."

"But you'll be putting us all at risk!"

"Just do whatever you have to to make it safe," Kuja said.

"Do you know what you're asking?!" he cried. "We've got to re-energize the meta-fusion reactors to up the power distribution to the structural reinforcement generators, not to mention generate enough electro-gravimetric energy to cause a sufficeint spatial distortion for the generators to even work, or we risk a bi-perforation that will rupture space time!"

Dalton and Kuja looked at each other.

"Huh?" said Dalton.

"Could you give me that in English?" Kuja asked.

"Sure," the chief engineer said bitterly, then cleared his throat. "Blimey, we chaps needs an engine what is full of beans, otherwise the whole bleeding mess will become right pear shaped and we'll be knocked for six, and Bob's your uncle."

"Riiiiiight," Dalton finally said.

"Would you like it in Canadian now, hoser?"

"No," Kuja said, "just get it working, no matter what it takes." He cut the camera before the engineer could start on another tirade. "Welll..."

"Well," Dalton agreed, with a sigh of resignation. "Let's go."

Drums rumbled and spotlights criss-crossed the stage as the assembled audience reduced their activity to a mild riot. "Ladies and gentlemen," said the announcer, hoping the old standard would prevent him from being beaten to death, "heeeeere are your hosts: Rob Dalton and Kuja!"

Dalton and Kuja walked out on the stages in fine tuxedos, although Dalton's was discolored in some places from blood stains that hadn't quite washed out. They plastered grins on their faces and waved at the audience, knowing they had at best a fifty-fifty chance of escaping these awards alive.

"Thank you," Dalton said as the noise died down slightly. "Thank you, and welcome to the fourth annual Golden Star Destroyer Awards, and as always, we have a memorable evening in store for you."

"The best and bright... -est," Kuja started. "Well, the best and most vocal, members of the crossover community have put forth an amazing effort this year, and tonight, we are honoring the fanfic achievements of ASVS and SD.net with a host of new awards as well as some of the classic from years gone by."

Dalton continued. "Of course, fans of last year's ceremony won't be disappointed. Tonight we have a special offer, our brand-new, top of the line, gold-plated, titanium-core, gourmet, idiot-proof and above all non-lethal idiom switch, with lemony-fresh scent. Also, our top sniper Rob Wilson is up on a catwalk-no, don't look." Rob laughed with evil intent as the entire audience, being comprised of suspicious, paranoid bastards, looked upwards. "Motherfucker's cloaked and carrying a tranq gun. There's enough snooze juice in each shell to-well, Kuja, how about a demonstration?"

Kuja grinned evilly. "Be glad to. Bob?"

A furiously vibrating crate was wheeled out from backstage and set down roughly, the stagehand running swiftly back to relative safety. Kuja grabbed a crowbar, but the crate exploded before he could get near it. As the smoke settled, a wild-eyed, red-haired and half-naked man leaped out, smiling manically and vibrating with disturbing purpose.

"I assume you all know Einhander, yes? Watch closely. Mr Wilson!" Kuja shouted, "If you would be so kind?"

There was a 'phoot' sound, and a dart was suddenly sticking out of Einhander's neck. His smile froze as his body stopped vibrating. A considerable swelling in his groinal area was reduced.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Einhander said. "Anyone for chess?"

The audience gasped.

Dalton smiled broadly. "Let that be a warning to our winners, hmm?" The audience laughed nervously. "Now, before we continue, we'd like to present the night's entertainment..." He consulted the notecard, and his eyes filled with horror. "Barbara Streisand and Justin Timberlake?! Kuja, what were you thinking?!!!"

"Well, I-"

DALTON: Get them out of here before we're all scarred for life! [Dalton pauses.] Hey, what just happened.

CHUCK: Hi. I threw the idiom switch on my way in as a sort of welcoming "Hey, I'm here, thanks for not inviting me to the awards ya big jerk" to you.

KUJA: We sent you an invitation.

CHUCK: Oh yeah? How come I didn't get it?

KUJA: Um, maybe the dog ate it?

CHUCK: I don't have a dog.

KUJA: Maybe the invitation ate the dog?

DALTON: Kuja, stop before you hurt yourself. Here, take this lead pipe and escort our evenings entertainment out.

KUJA: Blows about the head and chest?

CHUCK: Yes, but only if necessary.

DALTON: Oh, it's necessary all right. [Kuja Leaves] I don't suppose you've got any entertainment?

CHUCK: Well, I can do some impressions.

DALTON: Really?

CHUCK: Sure. [starts turning pockets inside-out]

DALTON: What are you doing?

CHUCK: It's going to be an elephant. Just watch. [Reaches for his fly, then crumples into a heap as Kuja hits him on the head with the pipe]

DALTON: [to Kuja] You are the wind beneath my wings.

KUJA: Perhaps we should skip the entertainment and go straight to the awards.

DALTON: Agreed. I'll take Pee Wee Herman here, you do the presentation.

KUJA: Okay. Much like this evenings entertainment, many fanfics are just completely wrong. These stories have taken the universes we know and love and removed all things that might remotely cause joy, twisting vision into their own hellish creations. The nominees for the Mr. Spock "You Are Most Illogical" Award for Most Fucked-up Fanfic are:

Love by Singular Quartet

Ashes of the Galaxy by Grand Admiral Thrawn

30 Years Warning by Consequences

Unnamed Porno Fanfic by MKSheppard and Falkenhorst

Humanity's Last Stand by LT.Hit-Man

Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez

KUJA: And the winner is... [opens envelope] Unnamed Porno Fanfic by MKSheppard and Falkenhorst.

*Sheppard stands up and fires a gun into the air in celebration. Three darts hit him in the back and he drops back into his seat, smiling and cuddling up to his rifle like a teddy bear, snoring quietly.*

Falkenhorst: I guess I'll accept this award on both our behalfs. We'd like to thank the evil that lurks in the hearts of all men, without which this story would never be possible. We'd also like to thank Larry Flynt for his letters of support through the rough times. Thanks everybody!

DALTON: Ah, great times, great folks, great fanfics, what could be better? Next up is the Jean-Luc Picard "THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!" Award for Best Torture! Presenting, as usual, is everyone's favorite psycho cyborg, LT Hit-man!

*LT charges out of the wing, a rusty chainsaw in one hand*

LT: Hey folks! Pain rules, I'm sure my readers know that by now! And when authors try to outdo each other in the pain department, everybody wins! Except the trolls, of course! Muwhahahahaha! So, the question before us is who inflicted the best pain? Let's find out! The nominees are:

A Horrifying Tale of the L.T. on Vacation by LT.Hit-Man and MKSheppard

Cruel and Demented Crossover by Necronlord

Unnamed Porno Fanfic by MKSheppard and Falkenhorst

Humanity's Last Stand by LT.Hit-Man

Whispers In The Fire by Shinova

StarCrossed by Stravo

LT: And the winner...

*he places the envelope on the podium, starts up the chainsaw, and slices both in half*

LT: A Horrifying Tale of the L.T. on Vacation! Sheppard, get your ass up here!

[Sheppard snores loudly]

LT: Dammit, Wilson, you used too much. [*Phoot* LT takes the dart out of his chest] Hey, this stuff does work... I'm only experiencing murderous rage! [In three kicks he reduces the remains of the podium to kindling, then exits]

KUJA: Well, now we need a new podium.

DALTON: Easily fixed. PODIUM!

*a new podium is wheeled out*

KUJA: Cool trick.

DALTON: Isn't it?

KUJA: 'Course, now we need a presenter.

DALTON: PRESENTER!

*Bjorn is wheeled out*

KUJA: Even better!

BJORN: It takes a special person to concoct complicated sounding yet meaningless terminology, and by special I of course mean, "retarded." These authors are being recognized for their mastery of verbal diarrhea. The nominees for the Lt.Cmdr. Data "Quantum Polarity Bypass Recalibration" Award for Best Use of Technobabble are

Manifest Destiny by MarkS

Paradise Lost by Chuck Sonnenburg

Twilight War by Stravo

BJORN: And the winner is... hey, these wheels really hurt! Did you guys really have to drill through the bone? Anyway, the winner is [opens envelope] Chuck Sonnenburg for Paradise Lost.

CHUCK: Thank you. I'd like to thank Kuja for this ice pack, and I'd like to thank the makers of Tylenol with Codine.

*Chuck lurches away. A stage hand wheels Bjorn off the stage*

DALTON: And now, presenting the Lando Calrissian "We'll Last Longer Than We Will Against That Death Star!" Award for Best Space Battle, Mike Wong.

WONG: Blowing shit up... it's not just an adventure, it's a way of life. And nowhere is life more fragile and death more certain than the great abyss known as space. For those who captured the heart of conflict in the void, the nominees are

Twilight War by Stravo

Rise of the Empire by Cody Croft

Deceiver by Wee Mad Ando

WONG: And the award goes to [runs finger over the envelope, gives it a flick, and it opens] Stravo!

KUJA: Stavo cannot be with us tonight, he's on assignment in Pennsylvania. But we've got him standing by with our local affiliate, so tell us Stavo, how does it feel?

*Monitor lights up. The audience, freezes, then as one slowly tip their head to one side. The sound of moaning fills the silent auditorium.*

KUJA: We appear to be having technical problems...

MARINA: Hey, isn't that Pablo?

*Title card flashes up: Indiana Sanchez and the Temple of Love*

PABLO: Hey, I think this is the director's cut!

*Monitor goes blank. Audience groans.*

PABLO: Hey, I don't think I got the royalty check for that one...

KUJA: Perhaps we'll hear from him later-- [screen fizzles, and coalesces into an image] Oh, there you are.

[STRAVO, wearing a satellite dish on his head and holding a microphone, appears on screen]

STRAVO: Hello? Hello? Am I on? Did I win? Yes? Yay! I'd like to thank the people of Manhattan for allowing me to live and work here--[screen cuts out]

KUJA: Guess he moved. Anway, let's move on. Presenting the next award is Falkenhorst.

FALKENHORST: Plot, characterization, dialogue, narrative... sure, these are important, but can we allow ourselves to forget the importance of large scale annihilation? Of course not! It's part of what makes the world a great place. The nominees for the Mon Mothma "Many Bothans Died to Bring Us This Information" Award for Highest Body Count are

Ashes of the Galaxy by Grand Admiral Thrawn

Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez

Domination by Baron Kenneth von Lowe

Unnamed Porno Fanfic by MKSheppard and Falkenhorst

Twilight War by Stravo

FALKENHORST: And the winner is... Holy Crap! Unnamed Porno Fanfic by MKSheppard and Falkenhorst! Shep!

*snores*

FALKENHORST: Er, okay. Well, let me just thank you all once again on both our behalfs. Also, I'd like to remind our young viewers that the apocalypse is dangerous, and you should never attempt it yourself without getting your parents permission first. The universe you save could be your own.

CHUCK: Alright folks, next up is George "The Mighty Beard" Lucas' "Better Than The Phantom Menace" Award for Best Title! Presenting the award is Shinova from SD.Net!

*applause from the audience. Nobody moves*

DALTON: Shinova, get up here!

SHINOVA: Oh, right, sorry!

*SHINOVA bolts out of his seat and runs up to the stage, but gets lost on the way to the stairs. After a bit of friendly guidance from the front-rowers, he gets up on the stage and dashes over to the podium*

SHINOVA: OK, I'm here!

CHUCK: Good for you. Now, how about that award?

SHINOVA: Right! So...what do I do?

KUJA: The podium.

SHINOVA: Oh yeah!

*he steps up to the podium and the audience applauds*

SHINOVA: Um, hi everybody...uh...I...forgot what to say.

CHUCK: Read the speech.

SHINOVA: Oh, right!

*he begins reading*

KUJA: OUT LOUD.

SHINOVA: Oh, good point! I should've thought of that!

*the hosts look at each other*

DALTON: It's a very nice house-

ALL THREE: Nobody home.

SHINOVA: Many fanfics are well-written, with a lot of time and effort put in by the author. But what about a fanfic grabs us? What's the first thing we see? The title, of course. This award is dedicated to the most memorable of story titles from this year. And the nominees are:

Suicide Squad, by Pablo Sanchez...sounds like a great group to join!

How Stravo Got His Groove Back, by Kuja...someone's been watching too many romantic comedies!

Ashes of the Galaxy, by Grand Admiral Thrawn...a serious name for an oddball fic!

Le Mort Homme, by Pablo Sanchez...always fun to hear about a dead guy!

The War Diary of a Crewer, by MKSheppard and others...what you see is what you get!

The Twilight War, by Stravo...ooh, spooky!

StarCrossed, by Stravo...the theme is right in the title!

Harry Potter and the Multi-Franchise Crossover, by 2000AD...magically good!

SHINOVA: And the winner is...

*a dwarf runs out with the envelope. SHINOVA stares at it*

SHINOVA: Uh, the winner is Fourth Annual Golden Star-

CHUCK: OPEN the envelope, kiddo.

SHINOVA: Oh, right! Now it all makes sense!

*hosts sigh*

SHINOVA: And the winner is...How Stravo Got his Groove Back, by Kuja!

*applause. KUJA comes up to the podium and grabs his award. SHINOVA makes a wrong turn on the way back to his seat and plunges into the orchestra pit*

KUJA: Well, that'll leave a mark. Anyway folks, I started Groove just on a lark. I didn't mean for it to be any serious commitment, but its popularity boomed, and I couldn't believe it when people started talking about it winning GSDAs. But hey, when you've got a winning formula, anything's possible, right?

*cheers*

KUJA: So, uh, what do I do with this?

CHUCK: You can put it in with mine.

KUJA: OK, thanks.

CHUCK: Next up is Starfleet Command's personal favorite, the Gene Roddenberry "To Boldly Go" Award for Best Use of Star Trek! Presenting is HDS.

HDS: Writing a story is one thing, but capturing the vision of a creator is another thing all together. This award goes to those who best fulfill the Star Trek half of the equation. The nominees are

The True Rebellion by Consequences

Reign of Terror by Michael Wong

Twilight War by Stravo

Unnamed Porno Fanfic by MKSheppard and Falkenhorst

Manifest Destiny by MarkS

HDS: And the winner is.... Twilight War by Stravo!

*Monitor flares to life revealing a black screen*

HDS: We seem to still...

*Title card appears: Law ... Order: Moving Violations Unit*

VOICEOVER: In the criminal justice system, violations of laws pertaining to the operation of motor vehicles often allow for the dismissal of cases without court appearance. For those who wish to challenge it, the case is handled by the traffic court. These, God help us all, are their stories. [DUNN DUNN]

HDS: As I was saying, it appears we are still experiencing technical problems. Who's fucking with our satellite?

[KYNES grins]

[STRAVO reappears]

STRAVO: And I'd like to thank the borough of Brooklyn, even though I've only set foot there three times in my life it seems like a nice place--

KUJA: There he goes again. Well, we're working on it. In the meantime, here's Strowbridge presenting the next award.

STROWBRIDGE: While representing Trek is all well and good, we all know who is the real important part. I like to think of this as the award that really matters of the two. The nominees for the George Lucas "In a Galaxy Far, Far Away" Award for Best Use of Star Wars are

Twilight War by Stravo

Paradise Lost by Chuck Sonnenburg

30 Years Warning by Consequences

Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez

De Imperatoribus Galacticis by Marina O'Leary

Deceiver by Wee Mad Ando

STROWBRIDGE: And the winner is.... [an evil-looking tentacle rips up through the stage, then tears the envelope open] ... De Imperatoribus Galacticis by Marina O'Leary.

MARINA: Thank you. Your continued faith in my work inspires me to give you my best. I'm glad you enjoyed the story as much as I did. Thank you all.

KUJA: [Looks at hole] Now what are we going to do?

DALTON: Observe. STAGE!

*A new stage is wheeled onto where the stage should be.*

KUJA: Shee-yit! How do you do that?

DALTON: It's a knack. Presenting the Master Yoda "Judge Me By My Size, Do You" Award for Best Duel is 2000 AD.

2000AD: When the chips are down, while epic battles may turn the tide of war, personal confrontations may turn civilizations. Capturing the heart of the duel is a daunting task. The nominees are

Twilight War by Stravo

Paradise Lost by Chuck Sonnenburg

The Animatrix: Cain and Abel by Stravo

2000AD: And the winner is...

CHUCK: C'mon c'mon c'mon....

2000AD: The Animatrix: Cain and Abel by Stravo!

CHUCK: Damnit!

*Monitor lights up, reavealing a night scene of a mansion*

VOICEOVER: Previously on the Joe Schmo show, the show is put in jeopardy.

JOE SCHMO: I found this script lying on my bed last night called The Joe Schmo Show, How We Are All Going To Fool Matt Into Thinking This Is A Real Show When It Is All Fake Because He's Stupid. I'm not sure what it means, but I figure it's probably nothing important.

2000AD: And it seems we're still having technical difficulties getting a clear feed on Stravo...oh, there he is again...

STRAVO: And I'd like to thank the people and the borough of the Bronx where my daughter lives, thanks for not [static] mugging me or committing any other violent felonies against my [static] person when I'm visiting--[fuzz]

CHUCK: We have a Star Destroyer. We couldn't afford a satellite truck? Moving on...presenting the James T. Kirk "Where No One Has Gone Before" Award for Most Original Story, Pablo Sanchez.

PABLO: It's a sad but true fact that many writers wouldn't know an original thought if it walked up and kicked them in the cerebrum. This category celebrates those who strive to break away from the mold. The nominees are

Twilight War by Stravo

How Stravo Got His Groove Back by Kuja

Reign of Terror by Michael Wong

Spacewolf by Isolder74

Scattered Earth: First Emperor by CaptainChewbacca

PABLO: And the winner is [waits for porn synthesizer music to start, then sensuously opens the envelope] How Stravo Got His Groove Back by Kuja.

KUJA: Wow! I wasn't expecting this! Well, let me thank you all once again for this great honor!

Kuja took a deep bow and exited the stage, noting that something was wrong. "Dalton, did you activate the idiom switch?"

"No, I did," Chuck said. "I'm getting tired of typing in the script format."

"Ah, Chuck, you giddy little monkey," Dalton said, putting an arm around him not unkindly. "Haven't we told you not to play with it? It's for emergencies only."

"What a coincidence."

The auditorium shook, although most of the denizens were too busy celebrating, fighting, drinking, or throwing up (some doing several, a couple doing all) to notice. Rob and Kuja grabbed the welding goggles from behind the curtain and looked at the anxious face of the engineer on the sparking screen. "What happened?" Rob demanded.

"Blow this for a lark," the engineer said. "The engines is all sixes and sevens and-"

"We don't have time for this," he interrupted.

"You're going to have plenty of time when the core explodes," the engineer replied.

"We can't leave in the middle of the ceremony," Rob said.

"Wait," Kuja said, "I have an idea." He cleared his throat. "Computer," he said crisply, "activate the Emergency Fanfic Hologram."

An image of Robert Picardo appeared with a rather constipated expression. "Please state the nature of the fanfic emergency."

"You made this?" Rob said, his eyebrow cocked.

"I found it when I was looking for... stuff," Kuja decided not to elaborate. "EFH, you need to keep them distracted while we repair the reactor.

The EFH looked indignant. "This isn't part of my program. I write fanfic, not stand around and juggle."

"Look," Dalton said, grabbing his shoulder, "we've got five thousand denizens, an unstable reactor, half a show to do, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."

"Hit it," Kuja added, and the two left.

The EFH scowled, then looked around for inspiration. He looked at some of the nominees... "Hmm, Lt. Hit-Man, eh?" He read through a bit of it. "Random violence, Santa Claus, machismo... yes, I can work with this."

The stage flickered as the holo-imager played up, showing a beautiful field of rolling grass. Scoot danced into the field merrily, plucking flowers. He spun around a tree and did a half twist that Oscar Wilde would envy. Then a big monster bit his head off.

"Get it," shouted a few denizens who ran into view, shooting at the thing. It burbled at them with irritation. "It's not having any effect!" one of them screamed.

Lt. Hit-Man stepped into view. "Beware the Jabberwock," he warned. "The jaws that bite, the claws that catch." He took half a cigar out of his mouth and tossed it away. "You needs a vorpal sword for the likes of these." He held a complex looking sword up to his shoulder like a rifle, sighted down it, and pulled a lever. It went "snicker-snack," and a jet of flame engulfed the Jabberwock, causing it to scream. He gave it another blast, and it collapsed in a burning heap. "Ah," he said, lowering the sword. "I love the smell of vorpal in the morning. Smells like... victory."

The view faded to the sounds of boo-ing. A few Molotov cocktails were tossed onto the stage for good measure. "Make fun of the trekkies," someone shouted. "Show us how extreme they are."

"Hey," someone shouted, "we're not that extreme any more." As always, the discussion quickly descended into gunfire.

"Hmm," the EFH remarked as he watched the carnage. "Well, give the people what they want."

The image of burning fields vanished, replaced by a dark and sinister laboratory. A collection of well-known Wars supporters were gathered around, while the familiar but long-absent face of Michael January stood on one side, a horrible grin on his face. "Throughout my years of exile from the group," he said in a loud, mad voice, "I have forged a superweapon that will allow me total domination... an army of moderate Trekkies."

There was an audible gasp from the assembled group. Pablo held his head. "The horror! The horror!"

MikeJ walked over to the table. "Oh yes.... feast your eyes," he yanked the sheet away, "upon Walter." There was a collective scream.

Kaz looked defiant. "Come on you guys, it's not real. Hey Walter, tell me about the navigational deflector and lasers."

Walter sat up, his dull eyes focused on nothing, a stupid smile on his face. "It seems pretty obvious," he droned, "that low-yield coherent light can be distorted, but it wouldn't really matter on serious weaponry."

Kaz screamed. "Ah! Devil-Beast!" Mike Wong jumped into Wayne Poe's arms. Bjorn held the back of his hand to his forehead, swooned, and passed out.

"Besides," Walter continued, "they couldn't stop energy blasts beyond the energy of the deflector itself."

"Enough, Mike," Strowbridge said. "Call off your monster before it kills again!!!"

"You have tampered with things that man was never meant to know!" Stuart added.

The EFH was grinning when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned and saw Rob and Kuja. "We'll take it from here," Kuja said.

"Oh, but it's just getting good," the EFH protested, but he deactivated at Kuja's command.

Chuck was already out on the stage. "Presenting the Anakin Skywalker 'I Killed Them All' Award for Best Character Development, AndrewT."

Dalton ambushed Chuck as he came off the stage. "You didn't flip the idiom switch back!"

"Yeah, I know."

"You can't give out the awards with it like this! It's stupid."

"I like narrative style," Chuck said defensively.

Back on the stage, AndrewT was pressing on. "Character growth is part of what keeps the people in a story real and alive. The nominees are..."

"This is ridiculous," Dalton said. "Kuja, go flip it back." Kuja nodded and took off.

"Manifest Destiny by MarkS

Paradise Lost by Chuck Sonnenburg

Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez

Le Mort Homme by Pablo Sanchez

Deceiver by Wee Mad Ando"

"Uh-oh," Kuja said.

"Uh-oh? What uh-oh?"

"Um..." Kuja pointed to the broken switch.

"How did you manage that?" Dalton demanded. "It's supposed to be unbreakable."

"Looks like we're stuck now," Chuck said with a slight grin.

"And the winner is," AndrewT said, "Paradise Lost by Chuck Sonnenburg!"

Chuck straightened his tuxedo and nodded. "'Scuse me... got some work to do." He went out and accepted his award, giving a boring speech.

"Hey!" Chuck said. "It isn't boring."

But alas, it was.

"Shut up! You haven't even read it!"

But that wasn't necessary, since it was in narrative style.

"Aw, to hell with this," Chuck said. He went back and, with much swearing, replaced the switch.

CHUCK: There, happy now?

DALTON: Ecstatic.

KUJA: Now presenting the next award, MarkS!

MARKS: A strong story is nothing without a good ending. Tying up the loose ends, providing resolution, are all marks of a tale told well. The nominees for the Grand Moff Tarkin "Evacuate? In our Moment of Triumph?" Award for Best Ending are

30 Years Warning by Consequences

Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez

Deceiver by Wee Mad Ando

MARKS: And the winner is Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez!

PABLO: Thank you. And speaking of ends, did you see how fine my ass looked in that video? And let me tell you, it's only gotten better with time. Here, let me [PHOOT] Oo... tingly. [Pablo collapses onto the stage, and two stagehands drag him off.]

CHUCK: And now presenting the Darth Vader "Luke...I am your Father" Award for Most Unexpected Plot Twist, Aron Kerkhof!

DALTON: Aron? He hasn't been around for a while.

CHUCK: I know! Plot Twist! Wheels within wheels...

ARON: A great story can put in twists and turns that draw you in and make it impossible to stop reading. The great page turners have been nominated for this category, and they are

How Stravo Got His Groove Back by Kuja

Paradise Lost by Chuck Sonnenburg

StarCrossed by Stravo

Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez

Deceiver by Wee Mad Ando

ARON: And the winner is no great surprise... StarCrossed by Stravo!

*Monitor lights up*

VOICEOVER: Today on Mythbusters.

ADAM SAVAGE: Okay, the myth is, if you're decapitated really fast, you stay conscious for several seconds, even though your heads gone. It's going to be a pretty dangerous experiment, probably involving lots of gelatin--

STRAVO: ...and I'd like to thank the people and the borough of Queens. I know that if it weren't for the Mets and Mexican immigrants you would be the forgotten borough but you'll always have a special place in my heart--

ADAM SAVAGE: MY BRAIN!!!----

ARON: And I'm guessing the technical problems still have not been ironed out.

You see Aron take Stravo's award and put it on the Stravo pile off stage. Dalton turns to Chuck and Kuja, and you can hear him say in frustration, "Hey, what's going on now?"

You see a look of puzzlement on all their faces, then Chuck snaps his fingers. "Wait a second, I know this. This is second person point of view. Nobody writes like this!"

"Why's it doing that?" you hear Kuja ask.

You see Dalton's look, and it's not a friendly one. "Chuck, what did you do?"

"Hey, I fixed the idiom switch." You can see Chuck squirming under Dalton's gaze. "Only..."

"Only what."

"Only, I didn't have a replacement part. The only thing I had was a dimmer switch. Somebody must've bumped it."

You see Dalton trying to restrain himself. "You used a dimmer switch?"

"Hey, it's not like I can just nip down to the True Value! I made do," you hear Chuck say.

"You know, this is really getting annoying," you hear Kuja remark.

"The way I see it," you hear Chuck say, "I can either just reset the switch, or I can find a replacement. What do you think?"

If you want to reset the switch, go to page 12.
If you want to try and find a replacement, go to page 29.

"Knock that off!" you hear Chuck growl.

"Reset the switch," you hear Dalton say. You see Chuck head over to the idiom switch and fiddle with it.

DALTON: Testing. 1 - 2 - 3... Looks good. Presenting our next award, Zaia!

ZAIA: Hello gentlemen...remember me?

[All the men in the audience instinctively cover their precious]

ZAIA: You're so cute when you're morbidly afraid of your manhood's well-being! Anyway. As they say, death is easy, comedy is hard. Believe it or not, humor is a hard thing to master, and writing a humorous piece is more daunting than it seems at first glance. The nominees for the Han Solo "I Know That Laugh" Award for Most Humorous Fanfic are

How Stravo Got His Groove Back by Kuja

The Gnome Hunter by Darth Fanboy

Ashes of the Galaxy by Grand Admiral Thrawn

Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez

Unnamed Porno Fanfic by MKSheppard and Falkenhorst

ZAIA: And the winner is... How Stravo Got His Groove Back by Kuja....I'll see you gentlemen next year...[she kisses Kuja's cheek, hands over the shiny, winks to the audience and walks away]

KUJA: Wow, another one?! Well, um, let me show you this then, it's really cool. [begins juggling] See? Isn't it funny? [Kind men come and lead Kuja off the stage]

DALTON: And now presenting the Commander Worf "Feeling Aggressive Tendencies" Award for Goriest Fanfic, Wayne Poe!

WAYNE: As a person who has blood and guts as his stock in trade, I know how hard it can be to keep both the gore level and the interest high. The nominees are:

Ashes of the Galaxy by Grand Admiral Thrawn

30 Years Warning by Consequences

Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez

Humanity's Last Stand by LT.Hit-Man

A Horrifying Tale of the L.T. on Vacation by LT.Hit-Man and MKSheppard

WAYNE: And the winner is [slices open envelope with a rusty scalpel] A Horrifying Tale of the L.T. on Vacation by LT.Hit-Man and MKSheppard.

*Hit-Man and Sheppard take to the stage...well, Hit-Man takes to the stage, levitating Sheppard behind him...*

SHEPPARD: [drooling] Mwaa...I...thankeeees for teh...shiny, award yay! did lotsa workzzz on teh fanifffxx fo rre th....[grins and falls back asleep, still drooling]

DALTON: [whispering] It's on drunk mode! It's on fucking drunk mode! Someone hit it!

Sheppard and Hit-Man
Take the award off the stage
And Dalton steps up.

"And what's happening now?"
Dalton asked with a sigh.
"Something else is messed up."

Kuja took a look.
"It looks like the switch," he said
"Is stuck on haiku."

"Give it a wee twist."
Chuck called to him from off stage.
"That should fix it up."

"Good. Now presenting
Tasha Yar That's It Award
For Funniest Death."

The Baron Von Lowe
Stepped up to the podium
And started to speak.

"Oh, death is funny.
I should know, 'cause I'm funny.
And you all are not.

So listen up, sods,
'Cause I'll only say this once
The nominees are..."

Cruel and Demented
Crossover by Necronlord
Is first on the list

And following that
Ashes of the Galaxy
Grand Admiral Thrawn

30 Years Warning
Is the next nominee up
by Consequences

And back once again
How Stravo Got His Groove Back
by Kuja, you know.

Along with others,
War Diary of Crewer
By MKSheppard

"And the winner is
Well, I guess it's no surprise
It's Kuja again!"

Kuja said nothing
A speech in haiku can't work
It just sounds stupid.

CHUCK: Okay, it's working now.

DALTON: You know, I think I saw a 6-6-5 phrase in there.

CHUCK: Maybe it's broken.

DALTON: No shit.

CHUCK: Shh! Anyway, next up is the The Boba Fett "No Disintegrations" Award for Most Spectacular Death. Welcome Darth Fanboy!

FANBOY: Going down in a blaze of glory has been part of the collective consciousness since the first tales ever written. The nominees are

Ashes of the Galaxy by Grand Admiral Thrawn

30 Years Warning by Consequences

Humanity's Last Stand by LT.Hit-Man

A Bond of Faith by Wee Mad Ando

FANBOY: And the winner is Humanity's Last Stand by LT.Hit-Man!

HIT-MAN: YES! All right, listen up! I'm dealing out a little Hit-Man justice to say thank you, and there better not be any of those "technical difficulties" boys or I'll have to do a live demonstration.

*Monitor shows a small moon. Hit-Man pulls out a detonator and hits a button. The moon explodes.*

HIT-MAN: There we go, another million spammers wiped out... and so many more to go....

KUJA: As always you inspire, and as always, it's terror. Presenting the next award... oh, it's me. Um, inspirational characters are part of what make a story worth reading. The nominees for the 7 of 9 "You Think in Such Small Terms" Award for Most Original Character are

The True Rebellion by Consequences

Deceiver by Wee Mad Ando

Twilight War by Stravo

StarCrossed by Stravo

KUJA: And the winner is Deceiver by Wee Mad Ando!

ANDO: Woohoo! Thanks to everybody who read Deceiver and decided to vote for me! I'm king of the world!!!

CHUCK: And now presenting the The Imperial Phoenix "Admiral Sheppard" Award for Best Denizen Ensemble, Sheppard.

SHEPPARD: Putting denizens in stories was my idea, you uncreative whores! HA! Anyway, drawing on the living personas and fitting them into a story is a daunting task often mishandled. The nominees have handled this task masterfully, and they are

How Stravo Got His Groove Back by Kuja

The Gnome Hunter by Darth Fanboy

30 Years Warning by Consequences

Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez

Reign of Terror by Michael Wong

SHEPPARD: And the winner is How Stravo Got His Groove Back by Kuja.

KUJA: Wow! Um, did I show you my juggling trick?

AUDIENCE: YES!

KUJA: Oh, well, did I show you my rash? [reaches towards belt bucket]

* phoot phoot phoot phoot phoot click click click *

*Stagehands drag the dart-riddled body off the stage*

CHUCK: Mr. Wilson, on behalf of a grateful nation, thank you. Next up, presenting the General Veers "You May Start Your Landing" Award for Best Ground Combat, Singular Quartet

QUARTET: If Return of the King taught us nothing, it was that epic land battles are still worthy of being showered with awards. The nominees have captured the spirit of ground combat, and they are

How Stravo Got His Groove Back by Kuja

The Gnome Hunter by Darth Fanboy

Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez

Rise of the Empire by Cody Croft

A Bond of Faith by Wee Mad Ando

QUARTET: And the winner is Suicide Squad by Pablo Sanchez.

PABLO: Thank you. Aside of the many awards I've received in the adult entertainment profession, there is none I cherish more than the GSDA. I'm grateful that you have enjoyed it so much. So, thanks to all of you, and Candy, I'll see you after the show!

DALTON: Presenting the Grand Admiral Thrawn "When You Understand a Species' Art, You Understand that Species" Award for Most Creative Tactic is Chuck.

CHUCK: Similar to a great plot twist, a great tactic can demonstrate the skill of a commander and the skill of an author. The nominees are

30 Years Warning by Consequences

Twilight War by Stravo

Reap the Whirlwind by Happy Target

CHUCK: And the winner is Twilight War by Stravo!

*Monitor flares up, and we see Stravo sitting in large studio chair*

STRAVO: And so the captain of the guard says, "If that's the monkey, where did you leave your pen?"

CHUCK: Excuse me?

STRAVO: Oh! Uh, Chuck! I crashed a satellite uplink and stole--er, borrowed the bandwidth. They're gonna be pretty pissed... are things working smoothly now?

CHUCK: Er...yes, looks good to go.

STRAVO: Okay. Wow, five awards... this is really a thrill. Okay, continuing from earlier, finally I'd like to thank the people and borough of Staten Island, if you ever grow the balls to actually secede I'm sure you would be missed....by SOMEBODY but you would be missed...yeah I'm sure of that. And thank you all very much for your continued support. I'll be back soon and hope to continue to dazzle you with the characters we all love. Your dedication makes my job an easy one. Thank you again for-- [the door slams open] Uh...gotta run! [He gets up and jets, knocking the camera over on the way. Static.]

CHUCK: Uh...hooray for Stravo! Next up!

KUJA: [Stumbling woozily onto stage] And now presenting our final award, Rob Dalton.

DALTON: Tonight we've recognized twenty-one stories and authors that were the best in many ways. This final award is about the stories that rose up and were deemed a mark of artistic achievement across many categories. Like we say every year, even being nominated for this is an honor, an acknowledgment of the best in the community. Like they say at some awards shows, no winners, but rather the award goes to. The nominees for the Emperor Palpatine's Highest Honor for Overall Best Fanfic are

Paradise Lost by Chuck Sonnenburg

How Stravo Got His Groove Back by Kuja

Deceiver by Wee Mad Ando

Twilight War by Stravo

Manifest Destiny by MarkS

DALTON: And the award goes to Paradise Lost by Chuck Sonnenburg!

CHUCK: Wow. I'd just like to say that I know with the migration to SD.net that a lot of you don't know me except as a name in the archives, and that you have to go to the archives or the website usually to read my stuff. That enough of you were willing to take the time to do that, and felt it worthy enough of your time to vote for me in this category, well, I can't thank you enough. I'm going to continue to try to make it worthy of that time. So thanks to everybody who still stuck around, and I hope you'll be with me as we take a fifth walk into familiar territory.

DALTON: Well folks, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you for attending The Fourth Annual Golden Star Destroyer Awards Ceremony!

*applause. Suddenly, the whole room lurches. The hosts fall to the stage and people in the seats get whiplash. The orchestra pit is reduced to chaos. People begin struggling to their feet amid confusion*

CHUCK: What the hell was that?

KUJA: Feels like we hit something!

*the screen brightens with an image of the Captain*

CAPTAIN: Uh, Mister Dalton?

DALTON: What happened?

CAPTAIN: Well sir, the sensor officer was busy watching the ceremony and, uh...well...

CHUCK: Spit it out!

CAPTAIN: You'd better take a look for yourselves.

*the screen flicks over to show that the nose of the GSD is planted firmly in the midsection of a Sovereign-class ship*

DALTON: What the hell?

CAPTAIN: Well, like I said-

KUJA: You just slammed us into a Sovereign-class cruiser, you incompetent idiot! How the hell did you make so high a rank without a brain?!

CHUCK: Calm down, kid.

CAPTAIN: Uh sir, we're receiving a transmission from the Sovereign.

DALTON: Patch it through.

*the image switches to that of a Federation mess hall, packed with Trekkies*

TREKKIE CAPTAIN: Can't you watch where you're going, you warsie dumbfucks?! You interrupted our ceremony!

KUJA: Well boo-fucking-hoo!

DALTON Shut up, Kuja. Now then, we're very sorry about all this-

CHUCK: Hey, what's that?

*the Trekkie holds up a silver trophy shaped like a Federation starship*

TREKKIE: The Silver Sovereign Awards Ceremony! For the best explanations of why Trek beats Wars!

KUJA: Oh, Jesus.

DALTON: Hey, that's copyright infringement, you unoriginal assholes!

TREKKIE: Oh yeah? Come and get us!

*the screen returns to the image of the GSD's Captain*

CHUCK: Where I come from, them's fighting words.

CAPTAIN: Orders sir?

DALTON: Sound combat alert! Get the Spacetroopers to their launching points!

CAPTAIN: Yes sir!

*alarms begin blaring and red lights begin to flash as the hosts turn to face the audience*

DALTON: Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes the Fourth Annual Golden Star Destroyer Awards Ceremony! We'll see you next year, now move out!

*he tosses off a salute and the camera switches to a helmet cam. The cameraman follows the three hosts as they run off stage left, through the prop and dressing rooms, and into the corridors of the Star Destroyer. Everywhere are naval crew and stormtroopers rushing to their battle stations. Dalton leads the hosts through the corridors and down a flight of emergency stairs to a Spacetrooper assembly point. They hurriedly put on their armor and move towards an airlock door. Kuja turns to face the camera*

KUJA: Hey, you ready for this?

*the camera nods*

KUJA: OK, just stick close to us and it'll be a breeze!

CHUCK: Helmets!

*they put on their Spacetrooper helmets and seal them. Dalton moves to the door*

DALTON: Three, two, one, here we go!

*he opens the door and the room vents itself, spilling the hosts and the cameraman into space. Wild screams fill the air as they drift towards the Sovereign, joining other soaring troopers. The screen slowly fades to black*

THE END...?



THE FOURTH ANNUAL GOLDEN STARDESTROYER FANFIC AWARDS

Written By
CHUCK SONNENBURG

Contributing Writers
"KUJA"
ROB DALTON

Original Concept
ROBBIE RHOADES
G.A. REID

Special Thanks
CHUCK SONNENBURG
GEORGE LUCAS
GENE RODDENBERRY
MICHAEL WONG and STARDESTROYER.NET
ALT.STARTREK.VS.STARWARS
and
ALL OUR FANFIC AUTHORS, READERS AND OTHER ASSOCIATED BEINGS

The GSDA Fanfic Awards have been brought to you by...
WILSON'S GUNDARK TRANQUILIZER
THE LETTERS F, U and Q and the numbers 6 and 9
JANET JACKSON'S RIGHT BREAST
YO MAMA
ANDTHE ALT.STARTREK.VS.STARWARS FANFIC ARCHIVE

Keep with the tippy-tappy, ya hear? Even if you didn't make it now, you might make it next year.



This ceremony is dedicated to the memory of John Healey, who was known to us as The Chimaera, Austin Sweevo and CmdrSweevo. He was our brother.

[haas mark]

ALL OUR FANFIC AUTHORS, READERS AND OTHER ASSOCIATED BEINGS

Hehe..

[Gandalf]

Congrats to the winners.

I'll show you all next year...

[Knife]

*golf clap* good show, you magnificant sons of bitchs. Very good show.

[Stuart Mackey]

Bravo! Encore! Encore! Kill the Trekie Scum! Bravo!

[Darth Yoshi]

That was fun. Congrats to all the winners.

[El Moose Monstero]

Good stuff, especially the switch shenanigans and the English... of course...