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Since i intend to get my ass in gear soon, and bring the third-sixth chapter of In-Humanoids to furition within the next few weeks, i was wondering if anyone would like to add some critz/tips to a story i'm working on.


The working title is Steampunk, but if a better one comes along, that will change.

As the title implies, it's a steampunk story set at the begining of the 20th century, the year 1899, and where World War One is about to erupt fourteen years early with disaterous results. A hyper-accelerated Industrial Era has led to the creation of marvelous, fanciful new technology, specifically in the area of warfare. More so, many (nearly all) of the traditional nations/empires have ben replaced by a handfull of super-states:

North and South America are now ruled by the imperialistic United Empire of Amerika, which is by far the wealthiest and most economically powerful super-state.

Japan, China, and some of the smaller Asian countries have been unified under the Pan-Asian Conglomorate, which is a sort of wildcard, possessing both great wealth and military power.

The largest power, in terms of territory, is the vast Russian Empire, which is ruled by the Czars, and continues to grow ever larger.

the Brittish Empire controls all of her past/future colonies, and a few she didnt before, and is the most powerful naval force on Earth.

Western Europe, part of the Middle East, and a handfull of Asian countries are part of the Eurasian Alliance. It is in a state of cold war with...

The German, Austrian-Hungarian, and Turkish nations unified under the Kaiser as the Iron Empire, which is the largest military power on the planet.


The main story focuses on a sixteen-year-old named Jayson, an outcast not only because he is part African part White, but because he has psionic abilities. At the time, those with psionic powers are called 'Malforms' or 'Mals' and they are 'taken care of' by lobotomies, which make them mentally retarded as well as removing their psychic powers. As such, they are a sort of underground people, wondering if they are truly freakish deformities, or some new form of human. Jayson's welathy father, a brilliant scientist, is the only reason why he hasent been lobotomized yet, because his powers (telepathy/remote viewing/telekinesis) are rather obvious unlike most Malforms which can hide theirs.

When he accidentally injures a little SOB who was trying to harm agirl he knew, named Alicia, he runs away from home to escape the ire of the ignorant, supersitious masses.

While hiding out near the beach, he experiences a strange surge of telepathic force. A young girl, who we later learn is named Kidia, comes out of the ocean, and she's running scared of something. Something that he quickly learns is a three hundred foot metal giant with lightning cannons. Just when he thinks their both dead, she uses a mysterious gauntlet/amulet-like mechanism to obliterate the thing. However, quickly, a huge disk-shaped vessel rises from the water and releases more of the machines. Leading to a confrontation...

Meanwhile, Iron Empire and Amerikan bases all across the globe are being attacked. It would appear that the undersea dwellers are intending to destroy the two most powerful super-states.

So, the war machines of the planet are thrown into action, and a war erupts between the surface world and the seas.

So, any critism or tips are welcome, if anyone wants, i could post some more information on characters/tech. Let me know what you think.

Make sure Russia is in there a lot. Also make sure it alternates between absolute brilliance and sheer incompetence.

EDIT: Also, Iron Empire is not a good name. Noone in their sane mind will call themselves the Iron Empire.


Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Instead of Iron Empire, what about Iron Coalition, or the Steel Empire. I think something with metal will sound cool.

Russia is very important, because they have a lot of territory, and few of the problems with comunism they will later on. They're army relies on numbers and sheer firepower: their troops, armour, aircraft have superior numbers and weapons power than anyone else, but at the sacrfice of armour.

How many real-world countries have names dealing with metals (that they themselves chose). It can be a good nickname, though.

Also, Russia at that stage was far from superior technologically. Make it do what it has done for most of recent history, use numbers.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

German Empire, perhaps? I wanted to emphesise the fact they had the biggest, baddest armour around.

Everyone has advanced technology in this alternate time line: huge armoured colossi, flying fortresses, battle tanks. But everyone has them at different levels.

Example: the Germans have the idea of putting a lot of armor on their machines, making them slow but very strong, whereas the Amerikans rely on airpower and have huge zepplin and fighter forces. Then there are the Atlanteans, who are the bad guys. They have devloped alloys and primitive energy weapons (lightning guns mostly), they also use hoverjet prpulsion like Hammers Slammers.

I thought i should mention some of the main characters. The story is still coming along in my head, so i only have three characters fully imagined:

Kidia
age-16

She's the heir to the throne of Atlantis, yet her brother Triton has overthrown her. She's very beautiful, dark-skinned, with dark blue (almost navy blue) hair and catlike green eyes. She was beloved by her people, and they worshiped her like a goddess, and she actively advocated giving more freedom to the Atlantean people, like a form of senate and the ability to 'vote' for tehir leaders, ideas alien to them until she came to power; naturally when Triton imprisioned her and said the surface dwellers had assassinated her, the Atlanteans were swept into a fury. When she first escapes from Triton's Praetorians, she's basically naked, except for her mystical amulet. It looks like a blue-white lens, held on her wrist by a gold 'gauntlet' like those hand weapons from Stargate.

Jayson
age-16

A little more mature and worldly than Kidia, he is her protector as it were. She is a powerful psychic, like him, but unlike her he is hated by his people. He's sort of a good looking, Aaron Carter type of kid, but with Jedi like reflexes and telekinesis. She saved his life, and he takes her to live with him and his father. He feels attracted to her, but often the fact that she cant speak English (the Atlanteans speak a form of Latin not spoken since Jesus's time), makes their budding relationship difficult.

Triton
age-22

Kidia's older brother, and the disgraced son of her father. He was cast out of the royal family for being needlessly brutal towards the commoners, however Kidia let him back in after their father died and she came to power, mainly because she felt sorry for him. Big mistake. He made his own little army of brainwashed soldiers, the Praetorian Guard, and made it look as if she'd been killed. The only reason he kept her alive is because he wants to get the Eye of Posidon off her wrist, which he cant; he doenst understand that it simply doesnt want him, like it wants to be with Kidia. When she escaped, he threw the Atlantean war machine into action, and plunged the surface and the seas into all out war.

Critz?

First, is there any reason why "America" is spelled with a K other than that it looks cool? Because that's the German spelling.

For the "German Empire," I'd suggest something like Germania, das Deutsche Reich, the Teutonic Empire, or das Teutonic Reich.

Or maybe just good ol' Deutschland.

How about the united Holy Roman Empire?

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Well, to respond to both posts.

The reason that Amerika is spelled with a K is because America, as we know it, was never founded. This Amerika is based upon vaguely Nazi-like ideals, hence the german spelling.

And actually, i should've mentioned, there is a Vatican Protectorate in Vatican City. They are a minor power, like a third world country.

And i'm leaning towards the Axis, since they are sort of like the Nazi-Japanese/Itallian alliance of the 40s.


Oh, and characters i should've added eariler:

Rasputin
age-unknown

A psychopathic scientist/would-be-mentalist who is the 2nd in commd in the Russian Empire, as he's the 'advisor' to the Emperess. But as we discover almost imediately, he is actually working for the Atlanteans to help them take over. He also has more knowledge of the Eye than Kidia or Triton, and is scheming to screw over evryone and get it for himself. In this timeline, he's replaced damaged/dead parts with machinery. He looks like a cross between Grima Wormtongue and Darth Vader, but scrawnier and more malignant.

Nara
age-18

Triton's lover, a member of the elite psionic warriors of Atlantis, the Furies. She's an attractive dark-skinned girl, with redish eyes and long white hair, sort of like Storm from X-men, but much younger and completly evil. She has a thing for whips, especially this nasty elecrtified thing attatched toa gauntlet she wears, that can cut through steel.

Well, there was no such things as nazism when America was founded.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Where did Atlantis come from all of a sudden?

You should definitely have 1 or 2 nations try and cut deals with Atlantis.

I also have a feeling that that thing with the lightning cannons you described comes from the Disney movie... the Leviathian which chased the sub and destroyed it. And "Kidia"? Does anybody notice a similarity to Kida from the same movie? (incidentally, wasn't the movie sort of steampunk-- after all, it was pre-WWI, but it had the motherfuckin' huge sub-- with huge observation windows, no less--, airplanes, MG's, gas masks, drilling machines...)

It does seem a bit familiarish to Atlantis and John Carter on Mars, now that you mention it...

CaptainChewbacca wrote:Where did Atlantis come from all of a sudden?

You should definitely have 1 or 2 nations try and cut deals with Atlantis.

Well, theres a long story behind Atlantis. Revealing it would spoil some of teh story, but i can say that the Eye of Posidon that Kidia possesses is related to the 'power source' that caused the cataclism on Atlantis eons ago.

I got the idea from the obsession people in the 19th/earily 2oth century had about Atlantis.

And as soon as the war starts, Rasputin tries to get the Russians to cut a deal with the Atlanteans, so do the Pan-Asian Conglomorate. The Amerikans and Germans were attacked outright and so they cant side with the Atlanteans, but the Eurasians do, and the Brittish are, as always, with the Amerikans.

fgalkin wrote:Well, there was no such things as nazism when America was founded.

True, i was a bit too vague. What i mean is that the imperialism, the agressiveness, and the political views of a Nazi-like state exist in Amerika. It's a relitively new nation. Remember, Britannia controled all of her colonies up until just a few decades ago (1850); the whole timeline of Amerika is seperate from ours. This all depends on a big change in what happened to the Roman Empire, which is connected to Atlantis, so there is some secrecy about it. It's important to the story though, just how radically different the timelines are.

What you mean is fascist.

Actually, Elheru, Kidia is the name of a girl i know. Seriously, the character actually exists in true form, swear to god. Look and all.

And the lightning gun idea comes from the weapons in War of the Worlds. It's not about WW2, it's about WW1 only fifteen years early. I'm drawing upon the mythology of the time.

When i post some technology, you'll see what i mean.

Also, it's more violent than any Atlantis movie. Just to give you the idea,within the first few pages someone's head will explode scanners style.

Ok just a little tech readout.


The Surface is armed with traditional weapons (cannons, bombs, rockets, etc) with a new twist, while the Atlanteans have heat rays and lightning guns, and flying disks.

The main soldiers we see of Atlantis are dressed sort of like up-armoured Hoplites. They have the helmet with the crest, the same armor, but it is made of a special alloy twice as strong as teel. They carry guns connected to backpack batteries, called shock rifles, that fire eletrical bolts that can go through tank armor. They also have larger heat guns, which use a series of lenses to fire beams of incredable heat.

As heavy armour they have huge, disk-shaped vessels. Like flying saoucers, but flatter on the bottom, and kept aloft by hoverjets like Hammer's Slammers tanks. They usually have one or two large lens like structure on top, which harness intense light into heat rays that can melt steel, and flesh of course. They also have small gunports with lightning cannons in them. These disks range from small (15ft) scout vehicles to vast (1km) warships and can fly as high and as fast as some modern jetfighters. At one point, thousands of such vessels appear over New York, and rain destruction down on them.

Their main ground armour are giant (300ft) robots. They look like the Colossis of Rhodes, made of broze and all, with lighnting guns that come out of their arms ad heat guns in thier eyes. They are not easy to destroy, as they can 'open' to attack many targets at once; their arms split into over a dozen smaller cannons each on a small amature, so it can engage a target idependantly, and their chests open to reveal multiple cannons, and single huge heat ray in their chests. They are not numerous however, and at most we see only a few hundred.

The Atlanteans also have female warriors called Furies, who can wield psionic powers. They can cause illusions, and make thousand sof peoples heads explode, or send out waves of pyrokinetic energy. Nara is their leader.


The Surface forces (Amerika in this case) depend on more conventional weapons. They wear segmented plate armour, and have steam-guns, minature machine guns like a vey powerful assualt rifle.

Their tanks look like the oblong lossage tank designs of the First World War, but with turrets on top as well as normal weapons. They are, however, steam-powered and as such can be 'irritable'. They have a lot of fortresss, so they built huge Juggernauts to crush them; giant steam-powered mobile bastions, each unique in design, and some as big as six-hundre feet tall. Sometimes called 'landships'.

They have aircraft that is radically different from what we know. Their planes rea ornithropters, so they have literal 'wings' as opposed to propellors or engines. They have huge flying fortresses, which are giant armoured zepplins armed with naval weaponry, and 'guided' missiles. The missiles function like a V-1 rocket, so guided is a term used loosely.

As for naval forces, they have basically the same ships as was common in WW1, only with primitive carriers and missile frigates too. But since the Atlantean ships can control teh skies, the ocean navies see little service, other than cannon fodder.

Unlike the Atlanteans they have no spychics, because they tried to kill them all out of superstition. Big Mistake.


EDIT: please forgive my shitty spelling, im a bit under the weather and it shows.

18-Till-I-Die wrote:

fgalkin wrote:Well, there was no such things as nazism when America was founded.

True, i was a bit too vague. What i mean is that the imperialism, the agressiveness, and the political views of a Nazi-like state exist in Amerika. It's a relitively new nation. Remember, Britannia controled all of her colonies up until just a few decades ago (1850); the whole timeline of Amerika is seperate from ours. This all depends on a big change in what happened to the Roman Empire, which is connected to Atlantis, so there is some secrecy about it. It's important to the story though, just how radically different the timelines are.

That still doesn't explain why America has a German name.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

fgalkin wrote:

18-Till-I-Die wrote:

fgalkin wrote: That still doesn't explain why America has a German name.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Well their fascists...that and it looks cool .

Oh, i forgot. Since i actually based Kidia on a real person, i should mention something:

She has a thing about her name, if people mispronounce it. It's Ky-Dee-Ah, english on the Dee. Yes, that is how she introduced herself to me twelve years ago . But if she ever came here and found out i forgot to mention that, she'd take my balls off with a meat cleaver *clinches*.

New tech:


Atlantean mothership (the Typhon)

Named after an ancient Greek monster, it's a huge disk about 24km around, almost 1800 meters thick. It has a single huge heat ray as it's main weapon, backed up by guided missiles (more like V-2s with better manuverability) and lightning guns. It's part of the fifty thousand disk fleet the Atlanteans bring against the surface.

Also, the surface dwellers have huge robots of their own. Thick bodied, big armed, small heds/legs, sort of look like the Troll from LOTR, but made of metal and steam-powered. Their sixty feet tall, not half of what the Atlantean colossi are, but there are thousands of them.

Also, special German troopers: the Steel Elites, who wear huge (ten foot) steam-powered suits of armour, have shields than can lock with each other to form a moving fortification, small cannons, and electrified claymores. The Iron Grenadiers, who wear thick non-powered armour, and carry long pikes with explosive tips to take out tanks, effective gainst Atlantean colossi to some extent.

Special Asian troops: Bombarders, special mobile artillery forces armed with rapid-fire RPG type rockets, they can lay down a prety good hail of fire, even if it is unguided. It gives an Asian infantry force the same kind of firepower as a small artillery battery.

Special Amerikan forces: Rocketeers and Heli-Troopers. Rocketpack armed cavalry forces, and helicopter pack equiped nfantry, respectively. Basically fast attack forces, lightly armoured and armed, but very fast (the Amerikans have a thing for airforces).

Seems to me like the Atlantean colossuses would be really easy to knock over, seeing as how they're 300 feet tall and rigidly constructed.

As for "Amerika", it is the anglicization of the Italian name "Ameriga", so it could have gone either way. Flip of a coin and all that.

CaptainChewbacca wrote:Seems to me like the Atlantean colossuses would be really easy to knock over, seeing as how they're 300 feet tall and rigidly constructed.

You try knocking over something that weighs 500 tons and can jump half a mile by way of huge hoverjets .

The colossi are the main reason (beisdes better airpower) that Atlantean is kicking everyone else's ass. They are basically nothing else but massive weapons emplacements with legs, a better description would be giant walking artilery batteries.

The Germans take a few down, blowing their legs apart with explosive tipped pikes, but other than that only railroad guns and naval bateries are effective against them.

Of course, only 112 are ever seen. Each is unique, built in the image of an Atlantean warrior king, and as such they only have 112 at any one time, even though they could build more. Talk about a rigid military, huh?

Some of this seems boarderline wankish...

Spanky The Dolphin wrote:Some of this seems boarderline wankish...

Boarderline? Yes and no. I've read some actual steampunk and victorian era 'scientific romace' stories, technically it's all wankish in terms of tech. But the story is about Jayson and Kidia and how they struggle to survive, and the battles they fight to save the surface world.

Besides, how wakish was the idea of shooting a lunar lander onto the moon with a cannon? That was one pseudo-steampunk story. Far as i can tell, as long as it doesnt defy the laws of physics (and sometimes if it does) it's fair game in steampunk, but i intend to keep it at a bare minimum. But some ideas (zepplin air-fortresses, heat guns, etc) are cornerstones of steampunk and like stories.

Still the idea of an invasion from under the seas is just too classic to give up .


Soon i'll post some excepts from what i have written down already, just to see what everyone thinks, if it's crap or not. Any ideas for titles, i was looking for something a little less generic than Steampunk, but i'll take what i can get.

18-Till-I-Die wrote:

fgalkin wrote:

18-Till-I-Die wrote: Well their fascists...that and it looks cool .

So, Spanky was right.

The problem with walking mechs is that you would be better off by putting the same amount of armor and weapons ontreads. Basically, anything a mech could do, a tank could do better. Now, that might not be a problem if the gap in technology is wide enough, but if its anywhere similar, the mech will get pwned.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

So, Spanky was right.

Yes, America sounded better with a k, and it allows for all manner of fascist references.

The problem with walking mechs is that you would be better off by putting the same amount of armor and weapons ontreads. Basically, anything a mech could do, a tank could do better. Now, that might not be a problem if the gap in technology is wide enough, but if its anywhere similar, the mech will get pwned.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Well, i've heard that mechs werent that effective against tanks and such, but i doubt most battlemechs have 16in cannons for arms, or guided rockets built into their chests, or huge electrified lances .