If "The Simpsons" Was Set In The Star Wars Univers
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Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8609
- Joined: 2002-07-04 10:57am
- Location: Denmark
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If "The Simpsons" Was Set In The Star Wars Univers
Well, anybody remember that thread I started a LOOONG time ago? I have since worked on a heavily updated and expanded version, and I added new bits every time I saw "The Simpsons". Since I've now abandoned that serious to instead watch Stargate SG1, here I present the hopefully final version of If The Simpsons Was Set In The Star Wars Universe...[/i]
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
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Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8609
- Joined: 2002-07-04 10:57am
- Location: Denmark
- Contact:
First up...
Lines of dialogue that would be spoken:
Airline Official:
- That's good, because we're the Empire. We make the laws. We print the Imperial Credits. We pay ridiculously inflated prices to have the Kaminoans supply our armies with cloned Stormtroopers. So go home, be happy, learn to live with it, pay your taxes and forget that Stormtroopers are clones. In particular, also forget that the Kaminoans even exist.
Albright, Ms.: (Sunday School Teacher)
- Ralph, Yoda did not have wheels.
- Uh, but Bart, we banned you from the Jedi Academy. You were happy, we were happy, everybody was happy - particularly the Ewoks.
- OK, class, we have a special treat today for pass-around: a replica of the lightsabre Luke Skywalker used against Darth Vader.
Ballet Teacher:
- But so many of your heroes wear robes. The Jedi, for example. And the Jawas.
Banner, Rex:
- Baby sarlaccs and Dragonback Snakes might seen like a cute idea for a pet - but they'll grow up some day.
Barclay, Red:
- I'm a starship pilot, and I've eaten Banthas across the galaxy.
Barlow, Birchibald T.:
- My friends, isn't this just typical? Another intelligent conservative here, railroaded by our Jedi-istic justice system, just like Grand Admiral Thrawn, Intelligence Directress Ysanne Isard and Warlord Zsinj!
- Now, why are we doomed to this New Republic quagmire, you ask, oh reasonable listener? Because this galaxy is under the stranglehold of a few Jedi tree-huggers who would rather play hackeysack than blow the Yuuzhan Vong to smithereens!!
Mr. Blackheart:
- Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: Aiwha-hunter, Ewok-clubber, Sith Lord, and like most people I've dealt a little Bantha horn.
- Banthas don't have keys.
Bouvier, Patty:
- If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy, we could hire a Wookiee!
Bouvier, Selma:
- I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Palpatine Tarkin Calrissian Solo Antilles.
- And this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor into one of those ungodly Tatooinian outlets.
Brockman, Kent:
- The three-ton bantha which escaped from the zoo has been caught and is now in safety. The five-ton Bantha nicknamed "Beru", however, is still on the loose.
- The circumference of the well is 34 inches, so, unfortunately, not one Stormtrooper is slender enough to rescue the boy. And since Count Dooku has been messing with the star-maps, we can't get the Kaminoans to help us. And the Muun refuse to do it.
- And as my final newscast draws to a close, I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you: the collapse of the Galactic Empire, premium blue yoghurt price wars, Banthas that were mistakenly issued major credit cards, and others who weren't so lucky. And so, farewell.
- This just in: Tarkin's henchmen staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his tactics are idiotic, his personal space fortress is more like a death trap than a death star, and that he's marketing videos of his night with Admiral Daala.
- And if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never met Mara Jade... or Lumiya.
- Tonight, on Eyewitness News: a man who's been frozen in carbonite for 3 years wakes up.
- And that's how a heroic Bantha became a deputy.
- D'oh, that's a bunch of banthapudu Lisa, everyone knows that the Order of the Sith are extinct!
- The recent wave of murders... uh, did I say "killer dolphins"?? I means Killer Kaminoans. Grey, long-necked, intelligent Kaminoans!
- Here's a float saluting the Tusken Raiders, who taught us how to celebrate Thanksgiving.
- Good evening. Did you know that 34 million Hutts are obese? Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Carkoon Pit two fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind Sarlaccs can be very very hungry.
- Drunkenness, destruction of private property and the Dark Side of the Force! Are these the things we want to associate the Sith Order with?
Brodka, Don:
- If you ever show yourself in this store, you'll be spending Life Day in the Geonosis Arena.
Burns, Charles Montgomery: (A.K.A. Darth Burns)
- Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he must be some sort of Rebel Alliance sympathizer.
- Oooh, the Ewoks are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Ewoks! Uh oh, the Ewoks are going to get me!
- Listen, Spielbergo, Palpatine and I are like peas in a pod: We're both shrivlled old men, we're both megalomaniacs, we are both affliated with the Sith, we both ordered clone armies from Kamino but mine weren't Kanakies! Now go out there and win me that festival!
- Hi-ho, faceless Stormtroopers.
- Smithers, unleash the Rancor!
- Smithers, release the robotic Jar-Jar Binks.
- Excellent! Excellent! Perhaps this Galactic Republic is as dead as the dodo.
- Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labour relations since the Protocol Droid!
- Dammit, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's building a clone army!
- I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. Now, order those clonetroopers killed.
- He's either a 50-foot Rancor, or a tourist trap concocted by the natives of Dathomir. Either way, we're sending down a shuttle.
- Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Alderaan into a mere Endor. Bravo!
- I'm going to find true love on Life Day!!
- I've never dated anyone who didn't master the Dark Side of the Force!
- Smithers, why haven't I heard of these Yuuzhan Vong? They are as wicked as I, but they seem to enjoy tax exempt status!
- Just let me run the Sith Order like a business!
- This needs a celebration. Let's blow up Alderaan.
- I want to see more Wedge Antilles and less Bail Antilles!
- Smithers, what is the name of that Hutt??
- Smithers, you have the brainpan of a nerf herder!!
- Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Alderaanian consulate on Coruscant by Holo-Net hypermail. Am I too late for the 4:30 Astro-Courier by Corellia and the Core Worlds?
- The Emperor's either doped-up or dying!
- Perhaps I've finally found a lightsabre duellist worthy of a match with Darth Burns, eh?
- (points at an Executor-class Commandship) You call this a Star Destroyer?
- You're what? Selling Deathsticks? Worried about the Aiwhas? Strong in The Force? Out with it!
- A lifetime of being a Sith Lord has given my hands a healthy blue glow.
- Now, excuse me, I have a town... I mean galaxy to rule.
- Smithers, have the Max Rebo band killed!
- Oh, the man has no idea how to behave like a Sith Lord. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the Jedi Order??
- I'll never be a popular Sith Lord like Count Dooku...
- Oh! The galaxy is at war!! Leave it to Borsk Fey'lya to open up the gates for the Yuuzhan Vong!
- Now that I'm Dark Lord of the Sith, I realize that I'm not exactly young anymore.
- A musical about a Droid?? What's next, a musical about the common Womp-Rat or the Emperor of Coruscant?
- Now that Grand Moff Tarkin is Father Christmas, we have an opportunity to bend this galaxy over our knee and give Alderaan a pranking which the Rebel Alliance will never forget.
- You call yourself a Mandalorian??
Burns, Larry:
- Hey, Skipper, good to meet ya. Hoo, where'd you start out, on the Acclamator? Hey, I should talk. I hope I look that good when I'm Emperor of the Galaxy.
Bush, George:
- We need a nation closer to the Skywalkers than to the Simpsons.
Carlson, Carl:
- Kuat Drive Yards own the Isotopes??
- I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm good at podracing because I'm black!!
- Ecch! That Palpatine's a right-wing crackpot. He said Bail Organa lacked integrity! Can you believe that?
Chalmers, Superintendant:
- [Darth Vader] Apology accepted, Principal Skinner. [/Darth Vader]
- These drab student coverings have created the perfect distraction-free environment, thus preparing the children for permanent positions in the Stormtrooper Corps. Or the Imperial Navy.
- You know, I used to think an Airspeeder was just a way of getting from point A to point B -- and on weekends, point C. But that was the old me. That man died the moment I laid eyes on a Desler Gizh Outworld Koro-2.
- Why is it when I heard the word "planet" and the word "exploded" I immediately though of the word "Tarkin"?!
- The Force has no place within these walls, just like benevolence have no place among its users. Simpson, you get your wish: The Jedi Order is history!
Cletus:
- Hey! Kids! We're eatin' dinner tonight! Mara, Leia, Padmé, Qui-Gon, Han, Lando, Anakin, Ysanne, Biggs, Owen, Jango, Wilhuff, Guri, Leonia, Gaeriel, Jacen, Jek, Wedge, Jaina, Wynssa, Nomi, Bail, Mon, Jorus, Beru, Mace, Obi-Wan!
Colossus, Dr.:
- Bah! Those Yuuzhan Vong are mere amateurs compared to Darth Colossus himself!
- Activate the Colosso-Wing Fighter's Colosso-Hyperdrive!
Comic Book Store Guy:
- (on the Yuuzhan Vong) Worst... Alien invasion.... Ever...
- Inspired by the most isolationist race in the galaxy, the Kaminoans, breeding will be permitted only if biotechnology - cloning or not - is included in the process.
- This is a very rare issue of "Imperial Navy Magazine" which features an in-depth interview with Grand Admiral Thrawn!
- She even bought the first issue of "Padmé Amidala Man!!"
- What's this?? Kuat Drive Yards?? I wonder if they can bring me faster starships??
- Though we DO have an abundance of "Lando Calrissian's Sabacc Challenge" lying around.
- This is a bootleg copy of "R2D2 & C3PO Meet Fritz the Cat".
- Is there a word in Huttish for loneliness?
- Be careful, please. After all, this very lipstick once belonged to Senator Padmé Amidala. As such a Clone Wars relic, it has a very high value compared to lipsticks which used to belong to, say, Ysanne Isard, who actually left them littered all over the bridge of the Lusankya.
- Now go away, we are racing for the title of Champion of the New Republic.
- But Admiral Ackbar, you cannot marry a woman without gills, you're from two different worlds.
- Admiral Daala, regarding that so called "stealth" system fitted to your SSD, the Knight Hammer, I printed out a list of technical errors which I think you'd enjoy discussing.
- I have the only working Sun Crusher ever built. It was fired only once, to keep Admiral Daala from making more moronic decisions.
- I... must mutilate myself in Yomin Carr's patented self-mutilation pose. Best... Yuuzhan Vong self-mutilation... ever!
- It seems I will never sell these "Guri vs. Leon Spinks" comics. Worst crossover ever!
- Egad -- a maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for Wraith Squadron, The Jedi Knights, or possibly... Ghost Rider.
Disco Stu:
- The Sith will boogie again!
- Did you know that the Max Rebo Band's record sales were up 400% for the year ending 25011 Galactic Standard? If these trends continue... AAY!
Doris, Lunchlady:
- Say hello to our little genius, Anakin Skywalker, who looks even smarter in this robe-and-tunic combination from Mr. Jedi.
- The Clonetroopers even begun blinking in unison.
- There's very little meat in these Tauntauns.
Evelyn:
- Daala, you look wonderful. And to think I heard you slept with Grand Moff Tarkin.
- Ysanne, Qwi, Asajj, Mara, Gaeriel, Leonia, meet Marge.
Flanders, Maude:
- With the Force?? Yes, I were at the Jedi Temple.
- Wait. That's the kinds of things you should start learning at the start of Jedi training.
Flanders, Ned:
- Mommy...had to go away. She's one with The Force now.
- Which version of the Journal of the Whills for tonight's quiz? The Stormtrooper Field Chaplain Whill Journal, The Emperor Palpatine Whill Journal, (Author's note: This is a jab at the King James Bible, if you don't get the joke) Padawan Learner's Journal of the Whills, Reform Jedi Journal, New Republic Journal of the Whills, Star Wars Spiritual Commentaries by Curtis Saxon, Yuuzhan Vong Organic Journal, Grand Admiral's Thrawn Art-of-War Journal, Sinister Sith Version Of The Journal Of The Whills, The Superlaser-Resistant Whill Journal, Coruscant Imperial Religious University Translation, Skywalker's Journal of the Whills, The Journal Of The Whills Emasculated To Conform To Naboonese Society, The Sith-O-Nomicon, or the dreaded tome known as "The Bible According To Mike Wong??"
(Authors Note: I am assuming that the Journal of the Whills is the SW universe's equivalent of The Bible)
- Jeeze, don't you kids know anything? Those fuzzy dice Han Solo bought for the Millennium Falcon?? The Endor Ewok Holocaust??? Ysanne Isard's implants?? (Author's note: Don't ask what kind of implants. I suppose you know that.)
- Well, I think I can turn Storytelling Land into a Jedi theme park.
- Uh, where you on the command tower of my ISD last night stealing my sensor globes??
- Let's see... Replace teachers with super-intelligent Droids. Or, if there's not enough droids, use the bystanders at Jabba's Palace.
- Do you regret the Dark Lords of the Sith and all their empty promises?
- Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less... erm.... Dark Side Of The Force-bound family!
- Of course Yoda's alive!! Alive in the flowing continuum of The Force!!
- I'm as permissive as the next parent, I mean, just yesterday I let Todd buy some red-hots with a cartoon Darth Maul on the box, but you can't possibly think it's appropriate for your ten-year-old son to work in a nightclub on Coruscant!
- No, Jar Jar Binks wasn't a great Gungan, nor even an adequate Gungan. And he certainly never accomplished anything.
- You're a Jed-diddly-edi!!
- It's the four banthas of the apocalypse!
- Team sport can keep you away from temptations such as the Max Rebo band, and the Sith.
- Harry Potter, and all his Sith friends, were condemned to Hell for using the Dark Side of The Force.
- Well, the Imperial Remnant's only asking one thing of you: To sign Pellaeon's petition to recriminalize medicinal marijuana!
Flanders, Rod:
- What was that red stuff coming out of the tauntaun??
Flanders, Todd:
- Can I poke Rod with a lightsabre like that Sith Lord did??
- We don't use the T-word in our house! (author's note: Tatooine, that is!)
Frampton, Peter:
- I bought that pig-shaped starship at Walex Blissex' yard sale!!
- Figrin D'An steals my orchestra and now The Max Rebo Band is in my freezer!!
Frink, Professor John:
- Well, first of all, we're going to ban such barbaric sports as Podracing and Acklay-Stabbing. Also duelling, both, uh, gun duels and the kind with the lightsabres, there. And bounty hunting and anything in general where you have to take off your shirt, which is embarrassing.
- Well, sure, the Frink-class Star Destroyer looks impressive! Don't touch it! But I predict that within 100 years, interstellar warships will be a million times as as powerful, 11 times longer, and so expensive that only the two richest Sith Lords in the galaxy - and their girlfriends - will own them.
- Well it's just a prototype, with proper funding I'm confident this little baby could destroy Alderaan!
- Elementary chaos theory tells us that all Battledroids will eventually turn against the Seperatist Movement and run amok in an orgy of blood and the kicking, the hurting and shoving.
- Oh, sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the Maw facility with the running and the exploding and the crying when the Ewoks stole the glasses off my head.
Gumble, Barney:
- Come on, Daala, can't you do something really slutty like you did back on Carida?
- Goodbye, my long-necked friends!! (then fires the Death Star at Kamino)
- After we die, there's going to be an empire for the Sith, a republic for the Jedi... we'll all be much happier!
Grant, Ashley:
- There you see, Lisa. Males are easy to tame. They'll all follow the Pod-Racing.
- There he is! The Sith Lord who used his Force powers to sexually harass me!
- No, Mr. Simpson. A droid is a living creature.
Grass, Jesse:
- Yeah, but I started using The Force before it was cool.
- They can't blow up Alderaan if one of us is living on it. Any volunteers? Whoa, hold on! Once you're up there, you can't come down. Not for even a Figrin D'An concert.
- I even got'em to make a solar-powered Death Star.
Hapablap, Colonel Leslie:
- This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap. If you don't open that door I'll tear you up like a Wookie who lost a game of chess!
- Sweet SSD Executor, Son!
- Not the Eclipse! Damn, the people at Kuat Drive Yards are going to have my butt on a silver plate.
- We'll find that headcase faster than Vader finds the Echo Base.
Herman:
- The key to Hoth has always been Echo Base. The Rebels knew it. The Imperials knew it. Now you know it.
Hibbert, Dr. Julius:
- Well, uh, ahem, without further ado, heh heh, I give you the man who send Jedi into containment forcefields, where they belong: Count Dooku!
- I've never heard of a baby swallowing a hyperdrive generator before.
- This Jedi Padawan sliced off his leg trying to use his master's lightsabre. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a Gaffi Stick, mimicking a recent Tusken Raider duelling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Geonosian Gladiator ward.
- Well, sir, you more than meet every one of the New Republics requirements to box, wrestle or fly a Pod Racer.
- You use your lightsabre as a can opener?
Hurlbut, Curator Hollis:
- You know, some historians consider Orrikmarko a minor patriot, but I think you'll find he's easily the equal of Luke Skywalker or even Han Solo.
- Unfortunately, historical research is plagued by this sort of hoax -- the so-called confession. It's just as fake as the Nute Gunray Will, the Palpatine Diaries, or for that matter, anything ever said about Admiral Daala's sex life.
- This case holds our most treasured exhibit: objects owned and used by Luke Skywalker. This is the keys to his landspeeder, in which he rode the wastes of Jundland. And his lightsabre, with which he hacked at the chains of oppresions. And his... chamber pot.
Hutz, Lionel:
- Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz. Could you imagine the Galactic Empire without Darth Vader??
- Forget about that house, that's the ex-Temple of the Sith.
Itchy & Scratchy:
- (Itchy decapitates Scratchy with a lightsabre)
- (Itchy, bald and covered in full Yuuzhan Vong tattoos, tortures Scratchy with a weird bio-weapon)
- (Death Star fires on planet with thousands of Scratchy clones on it)
- (Scratchy gets shot to pieces by a droideka)
- (Itchy piloting a AT-ST stomps Scratchy down)
- (Itchy throws Scratchy down Death Star reactor core)
- (Three letters: BDZ)
- (Scratchy gets trampled down by marching Storm Troopers)
- (Chewbacca rips off Scratchy's arm)
- (Itchy pushes Scratchy off one of Kamino's various oilrig-like cities)
- (Itchy throws Scratchy down a Sarlacc pit)
- (Scratchy gets tied to a pole in the Geonosis Arena and eaten by an Acklay)
Jack, Wolfguy:
- You've won yourself a Speederbike!
- Ey, remember the Clone Wars? Remember The Holonet, the blockade of Naboo, and Count Dooku?
Jasper:
- Sounds like the Rebel Alliance is at it again.
- Oooh! Naboonese pie!
Jones, Jimbo:
- I've heard that Jabba the Hutt's tail has its own representant in the Galactic Senate.
Jordan, Rachel:
- My band shifted from Jedi music to pop. You just change "The Force" to "love." Disgusting.
- This is a love song about a dude I met on Carida. A dude named Tarkin. (author's note: Well, that explains her resemblance to Daala, sans the red hair, doesn't it??)
Kearney:
- Hey!! Don't wreck my Podracer!!
Kidkill, Larry:
- But all the laughs in the world won't protect you from the stern discipline of... Grand Admiral Thrawn!
Krabappel, Edna:
- Well, class, the history of the New Republic has been changed again, to correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. The New Republic was now founded four years ago by... Jabba the Hutt. And Kamino isn't called Kamino any more. It's Clonerland. (Author's note: Well, at least the renaming of Kamino makes sense.)
- Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of this galaxy can now vote in free democratic elections.
- That's it!! BEEEE-DEE-ZED!!
- We'll show him, especially for that "purple wookiee dishwasher" remark.
- Bart, are those... death sticks?
- If anyone wants to learn more about turbolasers, they're welcome to stay...
- "Sith??" I've never heard that word before I moved to Coruscant.
- We're also absolved if Boba Fett gets eaten by the school Sarlacc.
- A pity date... with a future Sith Lord? I'll take it.
Krustofskij, Herschel: (Krusty The Klown)
- This planet-destroyer stuff is just a fad.
- Nothing like a meal at Dexster's Diner.
- Today's youth think that comedy is blowing up planets.
- It didn't get funny until we fired Anakin Skywalker.
- That lousy ventilation shaft set back the Death Star program back 22 years!
- Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend, Darth Punishment, again.
- And this year's "Living Saint" award goes to.... Emperor Palpatine!!
- Lightsabres aren't toys. They're for protecting the Republic, deflecting blaster beams, and keeping the Sith out of your face.
- Don't put on some Sith Lord just because he's Darth-of-the-month!!
- And here's what you've been waiting for: Another long raga with Obi-Wan Kenobi!!
- OK, memorize these funny place names: Naboo. Dagobah. Hoth. Tatooine.
- Oh, not my Dagobah backdrop! How am I going to make fun of Yoda!?
- Hey! It's the respected Imperial citizen, General Veers!!
- Now that the Empire has taken over, the show has to be more cost-effective!
- My grandfather Zev would roll in his grave, if it wasn't clogged up with those old Moffs.
- Everywhere, I see teachers in XP-34 airspeeders, Jedi Knights sipping champagne, I tried to drink a Coke on the Coruscant sky bus, and suddenly Stormtroopers were everywhere!
- I gave Boba Fett a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but instead he blew it up!
- Hey-ho, kids! It's BDZ time!
- I'm going to tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit: his sexual harassment suit. Oh boy. Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea bargain, he now has Ysanne Isard watching him 24 hours per day...
- Our last bachelor likes Twi'lek women who take their clothes off... for free! Let's here it for Jabba the Hutt!
- Those Yuuzhan Vong don't scare me. I've had plenty of guys come after me, and I've buried them all. Hyperdrive Captain. The Ssi-Ruu. Don't forget the Hutt Olympics.
- I'm tellin' ya, the Executor is the Cadillac of starships!
- Now, I'm not saying that Daala's "easy" - but before she went to Carida, that planet was known for its... pottery! Huh! Huh!
- Tough audience! They're booing out Rodian opera!
- My pacemaker is set on "Mynock"!!
- Didn't Anakin Skywalker look happy playing with his mother? And didn't Boba Fett look happy playing with his dad until he got decapitated?
- Who ordered a steamed Sith Lord?
- Comedy simply isn't funny anymore! All the time-tested jokes about female Imperial Navy officers and Wookiee hygiejne have been replaced by some protocol droid reciting typos from dull Coruscant newspapers. Here's a headline for ya: NOBODY CARES!
Krustofskij, Hymann: (Krusty's father)
- Oh, yes it is right to buy an XP-34! For great is the landspeeder with power steering!
- A Jedi would never abuse The Force! A Jedi Knight composes. He creates thoughts. He may tell stories that never happened. But he does not abuse The Force!
- You have brought shame on our family! Oh, if you were a pirate or a bounty hunter, this I could forgive.
Lampwick, Chester:
- In fact, I invented the whole concept of The Force. Before I came along, all Jedi Knights did was play the ukulele. I changed all that.
Lanley, Lyle:
- I've sold monorails to the Kaminoans, and by doing that, put them on the map! (Author's note: Finally explains why that planet was missing.)
Largo, Dewey:
- What rousing Imperial March do you suggest, Lisa?
- I can't stand all your Yuuzhan Vong music... and it's all your fault, Nom Anor!
Lavelle, Stacy:
- Not since I was forced out during the Clone Wars. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective and... I was funneling profits to the Seperatists.
- I may have had things in common with Stacy at the beginning, but thirty years of living her lifestyle taught me some very harsh lessons. Five husbands: Bevel Lemelisk, Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin, Wedge Antilles, Lando Calrissian, Nom Anor, Darth Colossus...
Lenny:
- Those lousy Imperials can't fire me. I'm the only one knows how to fix a broken hyperdrive!
- Uh yeah, I'm a techno-thriller junkie, and I'd like to know, is an X-Wing more detectible when there's disturbances in The Force?
- And you can't join the Sith because it's too exclusive!
- A Jedi Temple without beer?? How pathetic!
- Lightsabres have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animals, such as the Rancor and the Wampa.
- Come on, put that away: those Geonosian sonic guns give you cancer.
- What's the matter Tarkin?? Ain't you ever seen a naked Adm. Daala riding a clam before?
- They say he made his lightsabre himself... from a bigger lightsabre.
Lou the Cop:
- Um...Chief, that wasn't a squad of Yuuzhan Vong. That was a metal band on its way to the Coruscant Metalfest. (Author's note: Some metal bands do indeed look like Yuuzhan Vong.)
Lovejoy, Helen:
- Wouldn't PLEASE anyone think of Han and Leia's children??
- It graphically portrays a side of the Force, which, practical as it may be, is evil.
- Well, I don't know about food from Tatooine. Isn't that whole area a little iffy?
Lovejoy, Reverend Timothy:
- We also have Sith ice cream!
- They call her the "Sith-Turned-Jedi Madonna..." - Mara Jade Skywalker!
- No, but He working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Jedi, Sith, or... Droids?
- I know that one of you is responsible for me, so repeat after me: "If I withhold the truth, may my soul fall straight into the devouring maw of the Dark Side, where I will eat not but burning hot bantha excrement, and I will drink not but burning hot Coruscantian rotgut moonshine, where the malign and wicked souls of ancient Sith Lords will stab me in back, where my soul will be chopped into confetti with double-ended lightsabres before a parade of Nerfherders and single mothers, where my rectum will be probed by deformed midget Kaminoans..." (Author's note: You have a better SW-ish description of SGAs??)
- And now let us rise and thank Kuat Drive Yards for their wonderfully menacing Executor-class Flagship.
- The next on our agenda is Lisa Simpson's Sith Daughter.
- And with flaming lightsabres whose blades shone fiery crimson, the dark lords of the Sith did pierce the eyes of the Jedi and did feast on what flowed forth. Among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh...
- Today's Jedi doesn't think he needs The Force. He's got his Delta-7 Starfighter, his lightsabre, and his instant pizza pie...
- Anyway, bloody gums Murphy was quite the Fizz-O-Phone player...
- Ned, have you thought about becoming a Sith Acolyte?? It's pretty much the same.
- I want you to clean these organpipes which you have befouled with the Dark Side Of The Force!
- Thanks a lot, Marge, that was Mos Eisley's only Cantina.
- Well, The Force is The Force. Plus I consulted a Massassi Sith holonet site.
- And the swords of the Jedi were like drills boring through walls of foolishness!
- Not the Jedi Temple! Yoda lives there!
- The Day of BDZ is upon us. I warned you the Emperor wouldn't stand for minidresses worn by anyone else than Ysanne Isard and Mara Jade.
- Anakin - with our help, you'll never touch The Dark Side again.
Mann, Otto:
- Wow, another Jedi Mind Trick!! Good that I'm not flying a Landspeeder right now!!
- So, who's gonna hold the secret of the Sith??
- I dunno. I just got an urge to join the Stormtrooper Corps. Sproc repoortmorts eht nioj!
- They're called Tusken Raiders, but they don't have tusks... oh, wait, now I get it.
McAllister, Captain:
- 'Tis no Hutt, 'tis a remorseless eatin' machine.
- Arr, ye call that a turbolaser?
- Arr, that's Handsome Bossk, he kills for nickels. Arr, not a quarter!! Now he'll go on a killing spree.
- Arr, have ye tried a Dianoga Scrap Squid? They can suck the bolts out of a X-Wing Fighter's hull.
- Yarr, it's kind of you to deliver these nude photos of Mara Jade. They'll keep this Star Destroyer's crew from resorting to homosexuality... fer about 10 minutes. Har Har Har. (Author's note: What is this, the ISD Liberace??)
- Arrr. I hate the galaxy and everything in it.
McClure, Troy:
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as "The Erotic Adventures of Boba Fett", "P is for Palpatine", "Star Destroyer Potemkin", "Obi-Wan Kenobi Back From The Dead", "Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad Sith?", "The Greatest Story Ever BDZ'ed", "Make-Out King of Mon Calamari", "Three Men And A Death Star", "Sleepless on Coruscant", "The Ewoks Go Medieval", "Hey Dude Where's My Clone Army?", "My Big Fat Corellian Wedding", "They Saved Palpatine's Brain!", "The Jedi Süss", "Bith of a Nation", "Corellian Bacon", "Raging Bantha", "Everything You Wanted To Know About Potential Sexual Uses For Guri But Were Afraid To Ask", "Viva Sebulba!", "Boba-Cabana", "An X-Wing Named Desire", "Fu Manchu: Sith Lord", "Snow White And The Seven Jawas", "The League Of Jedi Gentlemen", "Children Shouldn't Play With The Dark Side Of The Force", "Doctor Evazan M.D.", "Enter The Krayt Dragon", "The Mon Mothma Prophecies", "Cool Hand Luke Skywalker", "Womp-Rat Pfink A Boo Boo", "Bride of the Bantha",
"Hungry Hungry Hutts", "Stormtrooper Joe: A Real Imperial Hero", "What Next Summer You Will Do Yoda Knows", "How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love The Death Star", "How The Outer Rim Was Won", "Run Leia Run", "Do You Know What Playing Is, Greedo?" and the kitsch classic "Good-Time Luke, Uncle Owen and the Great Tatooine Freak-Out."
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. Some of you probably remember me for such infomercials such as "Yes To The Clonetrooper Project - Galactic Conquest Thanks To Science!" and "A Career In The Imperial Navy - Could It Be Something For You?"
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such educational films such as "Mommy, What's Wrong With Ysanne Isard's Left Eye?", "Darth Vader And You - Partners In Freedom", "Here Comes The Tarkin Doctrine", "Jaxxon Is Not A Rabbit", "Life Begins At Cloning", "Our Friends The Sith", "The Garbage Pail Kids Are Indeed Yuuzhan Vong", "I Can't Believe The Empire Funded It!" and Michael Moore's award-winning documentary "Bowling For Alderaan" .
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from do-it-yourself videos such as "How To Mothball Your Star Destroyer", "Home-Grown Clone Armies" and "The Dark Side of the Force - For Dummies."
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me for not starring in "The Divine Secrets Of Queen Amidala's Handmaidens". (author's note: If The Divine Secrets Of Queen Amidala's Handmaidens is what the title implies, Troy does indeed not have any business starring in it.)
- The Rebel Alliance isn't dumb, just ignorant!
- So, working in the Imperial Navy must be interesting.
McCoy, Buck:
- I'll show you a trick that works on dogs. And it also works on Grand Moff Tarkin.
- Can you catch a Bantha with a teaspoon??
- Did I forget to mention that I'm a Sith Lord???
Moleman, Hans:
- I was saying "Doo-ku"...
- You're surely doing your job well, Mr. Tarkin.
- Death Sticks ruined my life!
- Didn't the clone wars use to have clones in them?
- Oh no. The Force.
- No, I am not Yoda. (Author's note: The resemblance, however, is certainly there)
Movementarian Jedi:
- A new and better life awaits you in the Jedi Temple on the distant planet of Coruscant.
- It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank the balance in the Force.
- The Jedi Council know how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.
- When you join the Jedi Order you are guaranteed a life of perfection and unity with the Force, and perfect unity with the Force!
- Nananananananana The Force! Nananananananana The Force!
- The Force is good, the Force is great, we use the Force as of this date!
- It's no use. He is obviously the strongest in the Force.
Movementarian Sith:
- When you surrender yourself to the Dark Side, you are guaranteed a perfect life of power and dominance, and dominant power!
- Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon. The Death Star!!
- Would you rather have beer, or complete and utter mastery over the Dark Side of the Force??
- The Emperor knows how miserable you and your family are.
Movementarian Storm Troopers:
- When you enlist yourself in the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps, you are guaranteed a perfect life of glory and victory, and glorious victory!
- [zombie-like] No we don't, mother. We love the Emperor! [/zombie-like]
- It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank the Emperor!
- A new and better life awaits you on the Stormtrooper Training World of Carida.
- The Empire is good, the Empire is great, (aims rifles) [sinister] surrender to the Empire as of this date! [/sinister]
- YAY! HERE COMES THE EMPEROR!
Muntz, Nielson:
- Hey, Bart, your Force Aura is showing!
- With no Galactic Empire around, I run this planet!
- When it comes to catching trout, nothing beats Imperial Stormtroopers.
- Shoplifting is a victimless crime.... like using the Dark Side of the Force!
- Hey, Corellian boy! Go back to Corellia!
- This would never have happened if we went to Mos Eisley.
- Whoa, a Qui-Gon Jinn rookie card!
- But I feel like such a Jedi!
- (looks at Alderaan being blown up and yells "HA-HA!!)
Murdoch, Lance:
- Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children. I'm glad you're all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my most dangerous stunt. I will death-defy both nature, gravity and The Force by leaping over this tank of water, filled with Opee Sea Killers, Dianoga Trash Compactor Squids, Colo Claw Fish, Dagobah Dragonback snakes, and perhaps most frightening of all, a Kamino Sea-Dragon genetically tailored specially for this event by the best biotechnicians in the galaxy! Heh heh heh. I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one drop of human blood. Now, in case I don't survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives, so buckle up!
Myers, Roger Jr.:
- Okay, maybe my dad did steal the Death Star blueprints, but so what? Starship design is built on plagiarising! If it weren't for someone plagiarizing the Acclamator-class troop transport, we wouldn't have the Victory-class Star Destroyer!
Nahassapeemapetilon, Apu:
- He slept, he stole, he was rude to the Padawans. Still, there goes the best damned Jedi Master the Council ever had.
- (snuggling a handsome female Twi'lek) Oh, Squishy Twi'lek Lady, you've had less than eight children, haven't you?
- Of course I am a Jedi. Haven't you ever seen my robes?
- Yes, I'm sorry, I do not speak Huttese, okay.
- Palpatine would be proud of you!!
Osbourne, Ozzy:
- Right, and the award for best disco music goes to... "Lapti Nek" by the Max Rebo Band?! WTF??
Powell, Herbert:
- The fleet doesn't want warships named after hungry Corellian broads!! They want warships with majestic, awe-inspiring and ominous names such as Imperator, Dominator and Sovereign!
Prince, Martin:
- Team Jedi Temple!!
- Hark to the tale of Qui-Gon, and the boy he loved so dear. They remained the best of friends 'till the battle of Naboo.
- So the next time a World Devastator consumes a neighbouring planet, remember to thank Mrs. Qwi Xux.
- I spent our last 10 dollars on this "Talking Admiral Piett Doll."
Puberty Boy:
- What are you going to do? Build your own Death Star and blow all your little friends to kingdom come? I'd like to see that. Ah ha ha ha...
Quimby, Mayor Diamond Joe:
- Everyone in favour of demolishing the Outlander Club, raise your hands!!
- And so I hereby declare that Route 401, currently known as the Emperor Palpatine Expressway, will hence forth be known as the Luke Skywalker Expressway.
- Nothing, nothing, only the Empire has just passed another tax on Grand Moff Leonia Tavira's puffy pants.
Scorpio, Hank:
- At Kuat Drive Yards, we don't believe in walls.
- By the way, which is your least favourite planet? Dantooine or Alderaan??
Sideshow Bob: (or Sith-Show Bob)
- Lightsabres. My old arch-enemy.
- You are in the Sith's power.... in the power of the Sith...
- Kill the Jedi! Just like we'll do tomorrow!
- But tonight, tonight I will taste the sweet nectar of the Dark Side!!
- Bart... Bart... Bart, it's time... it's time to blow up Alderaan!!
- Well, Krusty, this will be your Endor... and you will be Emperor Thrown-Down-Reactor.
- Oh no, my thermal detonator!
- Hello, Palp. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Kudos for bringing the public back to the Sitharian Part. It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Darth Jedikillers, Ethel Blow-Up-Planets, or even -- the Force forbid -- Wilhuff Tarkins.
- That was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Dark Lords of the Sith and lived to tell about it.
- I did this because you need Palpatine. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Valorum, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Sith Lord to lower taxes, brutalize the Jedi, and rule you like an Emperor!
- I have corrupted more young minds than the Sith and the Holo-Net combined!
- Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a few things about turbolasers.
Sideshow Mel:
- Just some Moffs.
- I'll see to it that Mr. Burns suffers the infernal machinations of Coruscant's grim tyrant, Emperor Palpatine the First!
Simpson, Dr.:
- The defective Simpson gene is on the Y chromosome. So only the men have it. Funnily enough, it's the opposite way in the Daala family. Or was that in the Isard family? (Author's note: Yes, I know this doesn't make much sense scientifically. Still, I find the joke somewhat funny.)
Simpson, Abraham:
- I'm an old man. I hate everyone except for Tarkin.
- TAAAAAAAAAARKIN!
- I say we call Tarkin. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Bail Organa or some other traitor.
- That Tarkin is just what the Imperial Navy needs: Young blood!
- I leave this: an Old Republic-era lightsabre. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in airspeeders, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen Rath Sienar flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and - where are you going?
- Holy smokes, that's it! From now on I'm thinkin', actin', and lookin' young, and I'm gonna start with a tin of cola from Dex' Diner. AARGH!! My tongue! It BUUURNS!
- You accuse me of everything around here? "Who put a Stormtrooper Helmet in the dishwasher? Who threw a lightsaber at the TV? Who fell into the Coruscant Hutch?"
- How can you have a house without an E-11 Blaster? What if a Wampa came through that door?
- Oh, sure. Let's see... I'm a Sith Acolyte, a Jedi Knight, a Red Knight of Life, a communist. I'm also the president of the Rebel Alliance for some reason... ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.
- The story of the Simpson family began in the Outer Rim. I forget where exactly. My dad would drone on and on about Corellia. He thought it was the greatest thing since hyperdrive, hyperdrive having been invented the previous winter.
- The Sith Order is evil, I tell you! EVIL! EEVIL!
- Not many people know I owned the first holo-net receiver in Springfield. Weren't much on the air then, just some guy reciting the Galactic Basic alphabet over and over.
- I'll be deep in the cold ground when I'll recognize the sovereignity of the Yuuzhan Pong! (author's note: yes, the Yuuzhan PONG)
- What's unappealing about hearing a Jedi talk about sex? Obi-Wan had SEEEEEEEX!!!
- According to legend, my own grandfather invented this aphrodisiac when he was trying to make a cheap subsitute for Bacta.
- This is the Galactic Republic. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like Palpatine from coming to power.
- Now, Grand Admiral Thrawn -- there's a haircut you could set your watch to.
- It was either that, or tell him his mother was a Rebel Alliance leader and a wanted traitor to the Emperor!
- All right, I admit it: I am the Fett baby. Waah! Waah! Goo goo. I miss my bounty-hunter daddy.
- That's the Millennium Falcon. To Geonosis, Wedge Antilles flew it fifteen parsecs with a cargo full of Kessel Spice. Singlehandedly won us the Galactic Wars, it did.
- Eh...you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a Corellian Gunship, but last year I proved myself wrong.
- The parsec system is the tool of the Sith! My starship gets forty gaffi-sticks to the bantha-head and that's the way I like it.
- The Clone Wars?? I fought in those, although I had to lie about whether I was a clone.
Simpson, Bart:
- The Imperial Army's on strike, maybe forever! Oh, overload, pleasure overload...
- Alderaan?? That's one planet I'll never blow up!!
- Han and Leia sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
- One-hour planet-destroyer?? Interesting!!
- This evening I shall go for the... Sarlacc platter... with extra tentacles.
- I got a D-! I passed I passed! I... ... ... kissed the Jedi Master!
- Don't have a Bantha, man!
- Jedi, Sith, Jedi, Sith. So they use the Force in another way. Does this really change our day to day lives?
- Everything tastes better when Force-pulled!
- Tomorrow, when you come back, you better have robes. Jedi robes. And they better be adorable.
- Looks, there's the Jedi Temple. The heart and soul of Coruscant.
- Let's watch Kashyyyk's nr.1 kid's show: Telewookies!!
- I'm just spending the summer getting to know my old friend, the Holo-Net, better!
- Has there been a Superlaser Festival, and I wasn't informed?? Get out.
- I'll save Lisa, frozen in carbonite or not frozen in carbonite.
- That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have lightsabres back then.
- The great thing about the Jedi Academy is that you learn something you can use.
- The Force? Come on, Milhouse, there is no such thing as the Force. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like Rancors, or the Max Rebo Band.
- And then, Grandpa claimed he was the one who turned the Seperatists and the Republic against each other.
- Good idea. Milhouse, you and me will be Rogue Squadron. Todd, you and Data are Wraith Squadron. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin.
- Bith music sucks. All it does is take precious air space away from the Max Rebo Band.
- I sold my soul to the Sith!
- That sarlacc's quite upbeat for somebody who eats Mandalorians.
- When I grow up, I'm going to become a Sith-O and order planets blown up at home, just like Palpatine.
- Look at me, Grandma: I'm a Rebel! Peace man, groovy! Bomb Alderaan!
- Buy me Bonestorm or go to the Maw.
- Mom, I'm not a Padawan anymore!!
- Everyone thinks I'm a Sith!! But I'll show them what one can do with the Dark Side!
- I'm going to pose as the Count of Serenno and get some old Sith Lord to leave me all his money.
- Eh-eh. You gotta be forty inches tall to make Grand Moff material.
- "I want to help you, Finis Valorum" - pfff - even your dreams are square.
- Making teenagers depressed is just as easy as nerf-herding.
- This planet's called Khomm. My dad says it's like Kamino if it were run by Ned Flanders.
- I can't get in trouble at school, I'm in a remedial class and surrounded by podracing orphans and kids cloned from Mandalorian Maoris.
- Can't sleep.... the Sith will eat me.... can't sleep.... the Sith will eat me....
- All the best bands are affiliated with The Sith. (author's note: Actually, there is a thrash metal band called "Sithlord". If you've ever heard Sodom or Kreator, you should have an idea what Sithlord's music sounds like.)
- Somebody ought to ruin Palpatine's career the way he ruined the Republic.
- We need another Alderaan to thin out their ranks a little.
- What happened to you, Alderaan? You used to be cool.
- All right, personals! Hmm... Successful Moff seeks "open-minded", lissome and supple redheaded human female. Preferably Imperial Navy officer.
- Do you know that humans use only 10% of their minds?? I now also use... The Force.
- I'm getting used to this Tatooine life. Teacher says I'm bulls-eyeing womp rats at a tenth-grade level.
- After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine. We got a tip from a six-year-old that there's a dead Rodian down there.
- Step right up, folks! We'll answer the question that's been plaguing scientists for ages: Can Womp-Rats fly planes?
- "Clone Wars". That's a good start. Hey, I'll go watch some Pod Racing.
- Can't you see? Ysanne Isard hasn't reformed... she's evil incarnate!
Simpson, Homer:
- Marge, with today's tibanna gas prices, we can't afford NOT to buy a bantha.
- Mustn't sleep... Must monitor Death Star reactor.
- It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent time known as the Clone Wars. Those were idealistic days... The candidacy of Palpatine, the rise of the Sith, it was an exciting time to be young...
- No, the Rebel Alliance said I was too heavy. The Imperial Stormtrooper Corps said I was too dumb.
- Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Abolishing democracy is cruel. Blowing up Alderaan is cruel. Enslaving the Mon Calamari is cruel. Everything is cruel. Well, excuse me if I'm cruel!
- And we can't watch Fox because they're owned by Kuat Drive Yards!!!
- Well, I can tell the difference between bacta and "I Can't Believe It's Not Bacta!"
- Oh, yeah. She's been as grey as a Duro since she was seventeen.
- Is there no place for the man with attunement to the Force?
- That's ridiculous, Thrawn. You do nothing but play God, and I think your clone stormtroopers would agree with me.
- Not clone-can, son -- Homer's Miracle Spaarti-Cylinder! Patent pending.
- Wait a minute...there's something bothering me about this place. I know! This Sith bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap, Darths!!
- Now Marge, "Dear Abby" says seeing films featuring hyperdrive can calm your fears. Ooh! Here are some upbeat titles: "A New Hope", "The Empire Strikes Back"... "Return of the Jedi!"
- Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like Darth Maul of Iridonia after his initiation by Sidious of Coruscant.
- Well, you know me, I love droids! R2D2, C3PO, the Donut Droid... if you're not part of the solution, Marge, you're part of the problem!
- And Ted Koppel is a Droid!!
- Oh yeah? What have the Jedi ever done for you? When was the last time Yoda cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Luke Skywalker? I'll tell ya! Luke is making out with Mara Jade!
- Not to worry, honey. We live in a highly technological age where blowing up a planet is as simple as turning off a light!
- The New Republic candidates aren't going to fire me if I don't vote for them.
- D'oh! Billions of human women in this galaxy and I had to marry Leia Organa!!
- You can't fight the Empire, also known as Blockoland.
- Standing up for the Mon Calamari feels Good. Perhaps I should do it again.
- But Bart has inner beauty... like a dianoga.
- I gave that guy hyperdrive coordinates, even though I didn't know the coordinates, because that's the way I am!!
- My hunger strike will not end before Palpatine admits that he is the Dark Lord of the Sith!
- I'm kinda like Luke Skywalker but in a Jedi way.
- Those flavours are from the Core Worlds! They're moving the team to Corellia!!
- Do you NOW understand how dangerous Imperial Death Stars are??? No wonder one Death Star blows up each time Luke Skywalker gets near.
- When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on the Dark Side of the Force!
- Oh no! Two hundred and thirty nine pounds! I'm a Hutt!
- There's nothing between me and Princess Leia!
- Uh, Mister Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no Lando Calrissian.
- Some things on imperial warships are so snazzy they never go out of style! Like knife-shaped hulls... And sensor globes... And big superlasers...
- All my life, I have searched for a Star Destroyer that feels a certain way. Powerful like a Rancor, yet soft and yielding like an Ewok. Now, at last, I have found it.
- Jango Fett is mandalorian??
- Oh, the Nerfherder Boys are on strike!! Ooh, I'm on strike!!
- The Simpsons are going to Kashyyyk!!
- Death Stars are the Empire's way of keeping itself in check. When there are so many planets that the Emperor gets confused, a Death Star is built.
- AAAH!!! Mynocks!!
- Don't worry. Being eaten by a Sarlacc is just like falling asleep in a blender, just slower.
- Can anybody light this Ewok??? AARGH! Bad Ewok!! Bad Ewok!!
- I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how the Empire's going to BDZ me if I don't follow them?
- I, on the other hand, have been having a wonderful day, and I owe it all to joining the Sith!
- Maybe a few Death Sticks would refresh my memory.
- Perhaps I shall mate the Geonosian arena beasts with each other. Soon, a new hybrid will emerge with the agility of a Reek, the intelligence of a Nexu and the loyalty of an Acklay!!
- You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this blaster, Emperor Palpatine could just walk in here any time he wants, and start shoving you around.
- A blaster is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a lightsabre, or a gaderfii, or...uh, a rancor. Or an Amphistaff.
- Ooh, the Dark Side of the Force cost me everything. My wife, my kids... everything but my precious, precious lightsabre.
- Oh! A lima bean that looks just like Yoda!
- Now I can show all of you what I've come to realise! The reason we're not allowed to go near Fondor is because there is no new Imperial flagship! The Emperor has taken our money just so he can... build one hell of an Executor-class Commandship!
- Marge, when I join the Rebel Alliance, I expect a little support from my family!
- Hey, what's going on? That guy's not Jabba the Hutt! He's fat and stupid!
- My padawan learners, there's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Jedi way!
- Here's some advice on women: Never give them nicknames such as "Bantha" and "Deathstar."
- He didn't even live to be a shadow of his former self, a once-mighty man shrivelled by the Dark Side of the Force!
- For me, the Clone Wars ended that day on Byss.
- [stoned] Marge, I have realised that I'm the "The" in "The Force!" [/stoned]
- What?? This starship has a hyperdrive??
- Jedi?? What's a Jedi??
- The Holo-Net is a boy's best friend.
- AARGH!! OOOOW!!! YEEEH!!!! The Mynock's got me!
- Marge? Kids? Everything's going to be just fine. Now go upstairs, and pack your bags...we're going to start a new life... on Kamino! There'll be no accusations, just friendly Grey aliens above the sea!
- "Carpal tunnel syndrome"...no. "Clone psychosis"...no. "Irrational fear of Hyperdrive travel"...no. "Arthritis from excessive lightsabre duelling"...no. Oh, I'm never going to be disabled! I'm sick of being so healthy. Hey, wait...Huttishness! "If you're a Hutt, you qualify as disabled."
- Imperial Academy Graduate students, eh? You can blow up Alderaan but you can't make my shoes smell great, huh??
- Maybe Obi-Wan is right. Obi-Wan is always right!
- But those Rebel spaceships always look so crummy!
- My only hope is this home-made deathstick. It needs more ice cream.
- What?? "Mr. And Mrs. Erotic Corellian??"
- And I don't believe in the Force! It breaks up republics, turns Sith against Jedi, battle-droids against Clonetroopers, neighbors against me.
- All right, you got your way. Your Mom's turning to a Jedi Knight for advice. She's going to tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family and you'll have to live on Dagobah with a little green guy.
- Stop! Those candidates are phonies! You heard me! They're clones from beyond the Outer Rim, spawned in the incubation facilities of distant, storm-hammer'd Kamino!
- My "Best of Max Rebo - Featuring Sy Snootles" album! So it was the dog that buried all our stuff.
- Marge, anyone can miss Corellia, all tucked away out there in the Outer Rim.
- Mmmm... blue yoghurt.
- Mmmm... deathsticks.
- Mmmm... Dex' appetizers.
- Mmmm... Bantha.
- To find Luke Skywalker, you gotta think like Luke Skywalker!! "I'm an effeminate, whiny farm boy, and I wear the same stupid tunic everyday!"
- What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll brand an Imperial Emblem to your butt and mail you to Mon Calamari!
- There it is! The chain that put the "Fat" into "Big Fat Hutt."
- I paid for a colossal Death Star, and I'm going to get a Colossal Death Star.
- Now, I'm a big Hutt dynamo!!
- There's an error!! Who the heck is Jaina Solo??
- That Admiral Daala thinks she is so big!! What happened to Thrawn??
- They didn't have aspirins, so I bought Death Sticks!
- That's weird. Like something out of those star movies about those wars.
- Ah, here it is. Han Solo's bookshelf. "Volume 1: Starship modifications."
- (designing a starship) I want a turbolaser turret here, here, and here. You can never find enough weaponry when you want to BDZ something.
- Yes, there's no such thing as a Sith!!
- Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's in heaven right now laughing it up with the other celebrities. Jango Fett, Sebulba, Wilhuff Tarkin.
- He attempted to assassinate Padmé Amidala?? He must have been one of the evilest men of the Clone Wars!
- He's a washed-up movie star. He should be dating washed-up Twi'lek dancers! Or, at least, he should be dating the results of the failed "Project: Kaminoan-Human Hybrid" genetic experiment, which in turn was a result of Lama Su's acid trips.
- I'm tired of these Yuuzhan Vong invasions! This galaxy is turning into a Yuuzhan Vong Country Circus.
- Now, Figrin D'An And The Modal Nodes paved the way for the Max Rebo Band, which involved some sort of elephant playing an organ.
- I'm an X-Wing pilot! A Rebel! I don't care for rules!!
- Well, it's like the time that Obi-Wan Kenobi died at the hands of Darth Vader. What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new Jedi Master.
- Kaminoans, clone armies, nude conspiracies... Oh my God! Dexter Jettster was right!!
- The Emperor gave me command over atoms!! Make those atoms march in unison!!
- Well, when Shmi makes a Manwich, she uses... erm, that weird sort of bread they eat on Tatooine.
- What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Death Star?
- We were sitting in the Millennium Falcon eating packets of mustard. You happy?
- The New Republic is embarrasing me. It's embarrassing Coruscant. They turned the Imperial Starfleet into a spaceborne joke. They ruined all our best names like Anakin, Jacen and Luke. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh...
- Don't worry, boy. We're gonna set you Sith. By tomorrow morning, you'll be a regular Darth Maul!
- Marge, I agree with you... in theory. In theory, the Old Republic worked. In theory.
- I am the ancient Sith Lord, Darth Ganesh! This wedding angers me. It will break up or all will die from the arcane lightning lancing from my fingertips.
- We elected the wrong Palpatine.
- Look! A message. This planet will be BDZed at sundown. Wait a second, I don't like the sound of that...
- Oh angel, listen not to this acolyte of the Sith!
- If there's anything the Yuuzhan Vong have taught us, it is that pelicans can be used for mixing cement.
- (drinking "Blood Bantha Beer") You can taste the Bantha.
- I saw Leonia Tavira's butt. I've paid enough!
- Did you see that Star Destroyer? So powerful... so commanding... so heavily armed and such an intimidating symbol of awesome Imperial might!
- A little starship-trucking music would fit the situation! (puts on a tape wih "Jedi Rocks")
- The Holo-Net is still around?
- No, man, let's go back to Tattooine!! I an' I been on Coruscant too long!
- Killing that Rancor was the best decision I ever made!
- Oooh, my horoscope. "Bantha: Today Tarkin will blow up your homeworld."
- I'm not very political -- I usually think people who vote are a bit fruity -- but for some reason this Palpatine really speaks to me.
- Hmm... (reading ballot information) I don't agree with Palpatine's Jedi-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy.
- Re-attach a thumb?? We aren't on Kamino!
- And if you get the chance, aim your lightsabre at the family jewels. That little doozy's been a trademark of the Dark Lords of the Sith for generations.
- With a prescription for dope, I can walk up to Palpatine and blow pot smoke up in his stupid Sith face and force him to enjoy it while grooving it!
- Wow, that Obi-Wan Kenobi guy is so high!
- [stoned] That Obi-Wan certainly had one crazy apartment. [/stoned]
- The galaxy just loves emperors. From Palpatine I to Larry King!
- There you see, the real money is in The Dark Side of the Force!
- So much for the legendary Geonosian hospitality.
Airline Official:
- That's good, because we're the Empire. We make the laws. We print the Imperial Credits. We pay ridiculously inflated prices to have the Kaminoans supply our armies with cloned Stormtroopers. So go home, be happy, learn to live with it, pay your taxes and forget that Stormtroopers are clones. In particular, also forget that the Kaminoans even exist.
Albright, Ms.: (Sunday School Teacher)
- Ralph, Yoda did not have wheels.
- Uh, but Bart, we banned you from the Jedi Academy. You were happy, we were happy, everybody was happy - particularly the Ewoks.
- OK, class, we have a special treat today for pass-around: a replica of the lightsabre Luke Skywalker used against Darth Vader.
Ballet Teacher:
- But so many of your heroes wear robes. The Jedi, for example. And the Jawas.
Banner, Rex:
- Baby sarlaccs and Dragonback Snakes might seen like a cute idea for a pet - but they'll grow up some day.
Barclay, Red:
- I'm a starship pilot, and I've eaten Banthas across the galaxy.
Barlow, Birchibald T.:
- My friends, isn't this just typical? Another intelligent conservative here, railroaded by our Jedi-istic justice system, just like Grand Admiral Thrawn, Intelligence Directress Ysanne Isard and Warlord Zsinj!
- Now, why are we doomed to this New Republic quagmire, you ask, oh reasonable listener? Because this galaxy is under the stranglehold of a few Jedi tree-huggers who would rather play hackeysack than blow the Yuuzhan Vong to smithereens!!
Mr. Blackheart:
- Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: Aiwha-hunter, Ewok-clubber, Sith Lord, and like most people I've dealt a little Bantha horn.
- Banthas don't have keys.
Bouvier, Patty:
- If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy, we could hire a Wookiee!
Bouvier, Selma:
- I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Palpatine Tarkin Calrissian Solo Antilles.
- And this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor into one of those ungodly Tatooinian outlets.
Brockman, Kent:
- The three-ton bantha which escaped from the zoo has been caught and is now in safety. The five-ton Bantha nicknamed "Beru", however, is still on the loose.
- The circumference of the well is 34 inches, so, unfortunately, not one Stormtrooper is slender enough to rescue the boy. And since Count Dooku has been messing with the star-maps, we can't get the Kaminoans to help us. And the Muun refuse to do it.
- And as my final newscast draws to a close, I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you: the collapse of the Galactic Empire, premium blue yoghurt price wars, Banthas that were mistakenly issued major credit cards, and others who weren't so lucky. And so, farewell.
- This just in: Tarkin's henchmen staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his tactics are idiotic, his personal space fortress is more like a death trap than a death star, and that he's marketing videos of his night with Admiral Daala.
- And if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never met Mara Jade... or Lumiya.
- Tonight, on Eyewitness News: a man who's been frozen in carbonite for 3 years wakes up.
- And that's how a heroic Bantha became a deputy.
- D'oh, that's a bunch of banthapudu Lisa, everyone knows that the Order of the Sith are extinct!
- The recent wave of murders... uh, did I say "killer dolphins"?? I means Killer Kaminoans. Grey, long-necked, intelligent Kaminoans!
- Here's a float saluting the Tusken Raiders, who taught us how to celebrate Thanksgiving.
- Good evening. Did you know that 34 million Hutts are obese? Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Carkoon Pit two fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind Sarlaccs can be very very hungry.
- Drunkenness, destruction of private property and the Dark Side of the Force! Are these the things we want to associate the Sith Order with?
Brodka, Don:
- If you ever show yourself in this store, you'll be spending Life Day in the Geonosis Arena.
Burns, Charles Montgomery: (A.K.A. Darth Burns)
- Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he must be some sort of Rebel Alliance sympathizer.
- Oooh, the Ewoks are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Ewoks! Uh oh, the Ewoks are going to get me!
- Listen, Spielbergo, Palpatine and I are like peas in a pod: We're both shrivlled old men, we're both megalomaniacs, we are both affliated with the Sith, we both ordered clone armies from Kamino but mine weren't Kanakies! Now go out there and win me that festival!
- Hi-ho, faceless Stormtroopers.
- Smithers, unleash the Rancor!
- Smithers, release the robotic Jar-Jar Binks.
- Excellent! Excellent! Perhaps this Galactic Republic is as dead as the dodo.
- Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labour relations since the Protocol Droid!
- Dammit, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's building a clone army!
- I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. Now, order those clonetroopers killed.
- He's either a 50-foot Rancor, or a tourist trap concocted by the natives of Dathomir. Either way, we're sending down a shuttle.
- Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Alderaan into a mere Endor. Bravo!
- I'm going to find true love on Life Day!!
- I've never dated anyone who didn't master the Dark Side of the Force!
- Smithers, why haven't I heard of these Yuuzhan Vong? They are as wicked as I, but they seem to enjoy tax exempt status!
- Just let me run the Sith Order like a business!
- This needs a celebration. Let's blow up Alderaan.
- I want to see more Wedge Antilles and less Bail Antilles!
- Smithers, what is the name of that Hutt??
- Smithers, you have the brainpan of a nerf herder!!
- Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Alderaanian consulate on Coruscant by Holo-Net hypermail. Am I too late for the 4:30 Astro-Courier by Corellia and the Core Worlds?
- The Emperor's either doped-up or dying!
- Perhaps I've finally found a lightsabre duellist worthy of a match with Darth Burns, eh?
- (points at an Executor-class Commandship) You call this a Star Destroyer?
- You're what? Selling Deathsticks? Worried about the Aiwhas? Strong in The Force? Out with it!
- A lifetime of being a Sith Lord has given my hands a healthy blue glow.
- Now, excuse me, I have a town... I mean galaxy to rule.
- Smithers, have the Max Rebo band killed!
- Oh, the man has no idea how to behave like a Sith Lord. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the Jedi Order??
- I'll never be a popular Sith Lord like Count Dooku...
- Oh! The galaxy is at war!! Leave it to Borsk Fey'lya to open up the gates for the Yuuzhan Vong!
- Now that I'm Dark Lord of the Sith, I realize that I'm not exactly young anymore.
- A musical about a Droid?? What's next, a musical about the common Womp-Rat or the Emperor of Coruscant?
- Now that Grand Moff Tarkin is Father Christmas, we have an opportunity to bend this galaxy over our knee and give Alderaan a pranking which the Rebel Alliance will never forget.
- You call yourself a Mandalorian??
Burns, Larry:
- Hey, Skipper, good to meet ya. Hoo, where'd you start out, on the Acclamator? Hey, I should talk. I hope I look that good when I'm Emperor of the Galaxy.
Bush, George:
- We need a nation closer to the Skywalkers than to the Simpsons.
Carlson, Carl:
- Kuat Drive Yards own the Isotopes??
- I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm good at podracing because I'm black!!
- Ecch! That Palpatine's a right-wing crackpot. He said Bail Organa lacked integrity! Can you believe that?
Chalmers, Superintendant:
- [Darth Vader] Apology accepted, Principal Skinner. [/Darth Vader]
- These drab student coverings have created the perfect distraction-free environment, thus preparing the children for permanent positions in the Stormtrooper Corps. Or the Imperial Navy.
- You know, I used to think an Airspeeder was just a way of getting from point A to point B -- and on weekends, point C. But that was the old me. That man died the moment I laid eyes on a Desler Gizh Outworld Koro-2.
- Why is it when I heard the word "planet" and the word "exploded" I immediately though of the word "Tarkin"?!
- The Force has no place within these walls, just like benevolence have no place among its users. Simpson, you get your wish: The Jedi Order is history!
Cletus:
- Hey! Kids! We're eatin' dinner tonight! Mara, Leia, Padmé, Qui-Gon, Han, Lando, Anakin, Ysanne, Biggs, Owen, Jango, Wilhuff, Guri, Leonia, Gaeriel, Jacen, Jek, Wedge, Jaina, Wynssa, Nomi, Bail, Mon, Jorus, Beru, Mace, Obi-Wan!
Colossus, Dr.:
- Bah! Those Yuuzhan Vong are mere amateurs compared to Darth Colossus himself!
- Activate the Colosso-Wing Fighter's Colosso-Hyperdrive!
Comic Book Store Guy:
- (on the Yuuzhan Vong) Worst... Alien invasion.... Ever...
- Inspired by the most isolationist race in the galaxy, the Kaminoans, breeding will be permitted only if biotechnology - cloning or not - is included in the process.
- This is a very rare issue of "Imperial Navy Magazine" which features an in-depth interview with Grand Admiral Thrawn!
- She even bought the first issue of "Padmé Amidala Man!!"
- What's this?? Kuat Drive Yards?? I wonder if they can bring me faster starships??
- Though we DO have an abundance of "Lando Calrissian's Sabacc Challenge" lying around.
- This is a bootleg copy of "R2D2 & C3PO Meet Fritz the Cat".
- Is there a word in Huttish for loneliness?
- Be careful, please. After all, this very lipstick once belonged to Senator Padmé Amidala. As such a Clone Wars relic, it has a very high value compared to lipsticks which used to belong to, say, Ysanne Isard, who actually left them littered all over the bridge of the Lusankya.
- Now go away, we are racing for the title of Champion of the New Republic.
- But Admiral Ackbar, you cannot marry a woman without gills, you're from two different worlds.
- Admiral Daala, regarding that so called "stealth" system fitted to your SSD, the Knight Hammer, I printed out a list of technical errors which I think you'd enjoy discussing.
- I have the only working Sun Crusher ever built. It was fired only once, to keep Admiral Daala from making more moronic decisions.
- I... must mutilate myself in Yomin Carr's patented self-mutilation pose. Best... Yuuzhan Vong self-mutilation... ever!
- It seems I will never sell these "Guri vs. Leon Spinks" comics. Worst crossover ever!
- Egad -- a maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for Wraith Squadron, The Jedi Knights, or possibly... Ghost Rider.
Disco Stu:
- The Sith will boogie again!
- Did you know that the Max Rebo Band's record sales were up 400% for the year ending 25011 Galactic Standard? If these trends continue... AAY!
Doris, Lunchlady:
- Say hello to our little genius, Anakin Skywalker, who looks even smarter in this robe-and-tunic combination from Mr. Jedi.
- The Clonetroopers even begun blinking in unison.
- There's very little meat in these Tauntauns.
Evelyn:
- Daala, you look wonderful. And to think I heard you slept with Grand Moff Tarkin.
- Ysanne, Qwi, Asajj, Mara, Gaeriel, Leonia, meet Marge.
Flanders, Maude:
- With the Force?? Yes, I were at the Jedi Temple.
- Wait. That's the kinds of things you should start learning at the start of Jedi training.
Flanders, Ned:
- Mommy...had to go away. She's one with The Force now.
- Which version of the Journal of the Whills for tonight's quiz? The Stormtrooper Field Chaplain Whill Journal, The Emperor Palpatine Whill Journal, (Author's note: This is a jab at the King James Bible, if you don't get the joke) Padawan Learner's Journal of the Whills, Reform Jedi Journal, New Republic Journal of the Whills, Star Wars Spiritual Commentaries by Curtis Saxon, Yuuzhan Vong Organic Journal, Grand Admiral's Thrawn Art-of-War Journal, Sinister Sith Version Of The Journal Of The Whills, The Superlaser-Resistant Whill Journal, Coruscant Imperial Religious University Translation, Skywalker's Journal of the Whills, The Journal Of The Whills Emasculated To Conform To Naboonese Society, The Sith-O-Nomicon, or the dreaded tome known as "The Bible According To Mike Wong??"
(Authors Note: I am assuming that the Journal of the Whills is the SW universe's equivalent of The Bible)
- Jeeze, don't you kids know anything? Those fuzzy dice Han Solo bought for the Millennium Falcon?? The Endor Ewok Holocaust??? Ysanne Isard's implants?? (Author's note: Don't ask what kind of implants. I suppose you know that.)
- Well, I think I can turn Storytelling Land into a Jedi theme park.
- Uh, where you on the command tower of my ISD last night stealing my sensor globes??
- Let's see... Replace teachers with super-intelligent Droids. Or, if there's not enough droids, use the bystanders at Jabba's Palace.
- Do you regret the Dark Lords of the Sith and all their empty promises?
- Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less... erm.... Dark Side Of The Force-bound family!
- Of course Yoda's alive!! Alive in the flowing continuum of The Force!!
- I'm as permissive as the next parent, I mean, just yesterday I let Todd buy some red-hots with a cartoon Darth Maul on the box, but you can't possibly think it's appropriate for your ten-year-old son to work in a nightclub on Coruscant!
- No, Jar Jar Binks wasn't a great Gungan, nor even an adequate Gungan. And he certainly never accomplished anything.
- You're a Jed-diddly-edi!!
- It's the four banthas of the apocalypse!
- Team sport can keep you away from temptations such as the Max Rebo band, and the Sith.
- Harry Potter, and all his Sith friends, were condemned to Hell for using the Dark Side of The Force.
- Well, the Imperial Remnant's only asking one thing of you: To sign Pellaeon's petition to recriminalize medicinal marijuana!
Flanders, Rod:
- What was that red stuff coming out of the tauntaun??
Flanders, Todd:
- Can I poke Rod with a lightsabre like that Sith Lord did??
- We don't use the T-word in our house! (author's note: Tatooine, that is!)
Frampton, Peter:
- I bought that pig-shaped starship at Walex Blissex' yard sale!!
- Figrin D'An steals my orchestra and now The Max Rebo Band is in my freezer!!
Frink, Professor John:
- Well, first of all, we're going to ban such barbaric sports as Podracing and Acklay-Stabbing. Also duelling, both, uh, gun duels and the kind with the lightsabres, there. And bounty hunting and anything in general where you have to take off your shirt, which is embarrassing.
- Well, sure, the Frink-class Star Destroyer looks impressive! Don't touch it! But I predict that within 100 years, interstellar warships will be a million times as as powerful, 11 times longer, and so expensive that only the two richest Sith Lords in the galaxy - and their girlfriends - will own them.
- Well it's just a prototype, with proper funding I'm confident this little baby could destroy Alderaan!
- Elementary chaos theory tells us that all Battledroids will eventually turn against the Seperatist Movement and run amok in an orgy of blood and the kicking, the hurting and shoving.
- Oh, sorry I'm late. There was trouble at the Maw facility with the running and the exploding and the crying when the Ewoks stole the glasses off my head.
Gumble, Barney:
- Come on, Daala, can't you do something really slutty like you did back on Carida?
- Goodbye, my long-necked friends!! (then fires the Death Star at Kamino)
- After we die, there's going to be an empire for the Sith, a republic for the Jedi... we'll all be much happier!
Grant, Ashley:
- There you see, Lisa. Males are easy to tame. They'll all follow the Pod-Racing.
- There he is! The Sith Lord who used his Force powers to sexually harass me!
- No, Mr. Simpson. A droid is a living creature.
Grass, Jesse:
- Yeah, but I started using The Force before it was cool.
- They can't blow up Alderaan if one of us is living on it. Any volunteers? Whoa, hold on! Once you're up there, you can't come down. Not for even a Figrin D'An concert.
- I even got'em to make a solar-powered Death Star.
Hapablap, Colonel Leslie:
- This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap. If you don't open that door I'll tear you up like a Wookie who lost a game of chess!
- Sweet SSD Executor, Son!
- Not the Eclipse! Damn, the people at Kuat Drive Yards are going to have my butt on a silver plate.
- We'll find that headcase faster than Vader finds the Echo Base.
Herman:
- The key to Hoth has always been Echo Base. The Rebels knew it. The Imperials knew it. Now you know it.
Hibbert, Dr. Julius:
- Well, uh, ahem, without further ado, heh heh, I give you the man who send Jedi into containment forcefields, where they belong: Count Dooku!
- I've never heard of a baby swallowing a hyperdrive generator before.
- This Jedi Padawan sliced off his leg trying to use his master's lightsabre. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a Gaffi Stick, mimicking a recent Tusken Raider duelling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Geonosian Gladiator ward.
- Well, sir, you more than meet every one of the New Republics requirements to box, wrestle or fly a Pod Racer.
- You use your lightsabre as a can opener?
Hurlbut, Curator Hollis:
- You know, some historians consider Orrikmarko a minor patriot, but I think you'll find he's easily the equal of Luke Skywalker or even Han Solo.
- Unfortunately, historical research is plagued by this sort of hoax -- the so-called confession. It's just as fake as the Nute Gunray Will, the Palpatine Diaries, or for that matter, anything ever said about Admiral Daala's sex life.
- This case holds our most treasured exhibit: objects owned and used by Luke Skywalker. This is the keys to his landspeeder, in which he rode the wastes of Jundland. And his lightsabre, with which he hacked at the chains of oppresions. And his... chamber pot.
Hutz, Lionel:
- Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz. Could you imagine the Galactic Empire without Darth Vader??
- Forget about that house, that's the ex-Temple of the Sith.
Itchy & Scratchy:
- (Itchy decapitates Scratchy with a lightsabre)
- (Itchy, bald and covered in full Yuuzhan Vong tattoos, tortures Scratchy with a weird bio-weapon)
- (Death Star fires on planet with thousands of Scratchy clones on it)
- (Scratchy gets shot to pieces by a droideka)
- (Itchy piloting a AT-ST stomps Scratchy down)
- (Itchy throws Scratchy down Death Star reactor core)
- (Three letters: BDZ)
- (Scratchy gets trampled down by marching Storm Troopers)
- (Chewbacca rips off Scratchy's arm)
- (Itchy pushes Scratchy off one of Kamino's various oilrig-like cities)
- (Itchy throws Scratchy down a Sarlacc pit)
- (Scratchy gets tied to a pole in the Geonosis Arena and eaten by an Acklay)
Jack, Wolfguy:
- You've won yourself a Speederbike!
- Ey, remember the Clone Wars? Remember The Holonet, the blockade of Naboo, and Count Dooku?
Jasper:
- Sounds like the Rebel Alliance is at it again.
- Oooh! Naboonese pie!
Jones, Jimbo:
- I've heard that Jabba the Hutt's tail has its own representant in the Galactic Senate.
Jordan, Rachel:
- My band shifted from Jedi music to pop. You just change "The Force" to "love." Disgusting.
- This is a love song about a dude I met on Carida. A dude named Tarkin. (author's note: Well, that explains her resemblance to Daala, sans the red hair, doesn't it??)
Kearney:
- Hey!! Don't wreck my Podracer!!
Kidkill, Larry:
- But all the laughs in the world won't protect you from the stern discipline of... Grand Admiral Thrawn!
Krabappel, Edna:
- Well, class, the history of the New Republic has been changed again, to correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. The New Republic was now founded four years ago by... Jabba the Hutt. And Kamino isn't called Kamino any more. It's Clonerland. (Author's note: Well, at least the renaming of Kamino makes sense.)
- Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of this galaxy can now vote in free democratic elections.
- That's it!! BEEEE-DEE-ZED!!
- We'll show him, especially for that "purple wookiee dishwasher" remark.
- Bart, are those... death sticks?
- If anyone wants to learn more about turbolasers, they're welcome to stay...
- "Sith??" I've never heard that word before I moved to Coruscant.
- We're also absolved if Boba Fett gets eaten by the school Sarlacc.
- A pity date... with a future Sith Lord? I'll take it.
Krustofskij, Herschel: (Krusty The Klown)
- This planet-destroyer stuff is just a fad.
- Nothing like a meal at Dexster's Diner.
- Today's youth think that comedy is blowing up planets.
- It didn't get funny until we fired Anakin Skywalker.
- That lousy ventilation shaft set back the Death Star program back 22 years!
- Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend, Darth Punishment, again.
- And this year's "Living Saint" award goes to.... Emperor Palpatine!!
- Lightsabres aren't toys. They're for protecting the Republic, deflecting blaster beams, and keeping the Sith out of your face.
- Don't put on some Sith Lord just because he's Darth-of-the-month!!
- And here's what you've been waiting for: Another long raga with Obi-Wan Kenobi!!
- OK, memorize these funny place names: Naboo. Dagobah. Hoth. Tatooine.
- Oh, not my Dagobah backdrop! How am I going to make fun of Yoda!?
- Hey! It's the respected Imperial citizen, General Veers!!
- Now that the Empire has taken over, the show has to be more cost-effective!
- My grandfather Zev would roll in his grave, if it wasn't clogged up with those old Moffs.
- Everywhere, I see teachers in XP-34 airspeeders, Jedi Knights sipping champagne, I tried to drink a Coke on the Coruscant sky bus, and suddenly Stormtroopers were everywhere!
- I gave Boba Fett a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but instead he blew it up!
- Hey-ho, kids! It's BDZ time!
- I'm going to tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit: his sexual harassment suit. Oh boy. Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea bargain, he now has Ysanne Isard watching him 24 hours per day...
- Our last bachelor likes Twi'lek women who take their clothes off... for free! Let's here it for Jabba the Hutt!
- Those Yuuzhan Vong don't scare me. I've had plenty of guys come after me, and I've buried them all. Hyperdrive Captain. The Ssi-Ruu. Don't forget the Hutt Olympics.
- I'm tellin' ya, the Executor is the Cadillac of starships!
- Now, I'm not saying that Daala's "easy" - but before she went to Carida, that planet was known for its... pottery! Huh! Huh!
- Tough audience! They're booing out Rodian opera!
- My pacemaker is set on "Mynock"!!
- Didn't Anakin Skywalker look happy playing with his mother? And didn't Boba Fett look happy playing with his dad until he got decapitated?
- Who ordered a steamed Sith Lord?
- Comedy simply isn't funny anymore! All the time-tested jokes about female Imperial Navy officers and Wookiee hygiejne have been replaced by some protocol droid reciting typos from dull Coruscant newspapers. Here's a headline for ya: NOBODY CARES!
Krustofskij, Hymann: (Krusty's father)
- Oh, yes it is right to buy an XP-34! For great is the landspeeder with power steering!
- A Jedi would never abuse The Force! A Jedi Knight composes. He creates thoughts. He may tell stories that never happened. But he does not abuse The Force!
- You have brought shame on our family! Oh, if you were a pirate or a bounty hunter, this I could forgive.
Lampwick, Chester:
- In fact, I invented the whole concept of The Force. Before I came along, all Jedi Knights did was play the ukulele. I changed all that.
Lanley, Lyle:
- I've sold monorails to the Kaminoans, and by doing that, put them on the map! (Author's note: Finally explains why that planet was missing.)
Largo, Dewey:
- What rousing Imperial March do you suggest, Lisa?
- I can't stand all your Yuuzhan Vong music... and it's all your fault, Nom Anor!
Lavelle, Stacy:
- Not since I was forced out during the Clone Wars. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective and... I was funneling profits to the Seperatists.
- I may have had things in common with Stacy at the beginning, but thirty years of living her lifestyle taught me some very harsh lessons. Five husbands: Bevel Lemelisk, Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin, Wedge Antilles, Lando Calrissian, Nom Anor, Darth Colossus...
Lenny:
- Those lousy Imperials can't fire me. I'm the only one knows how to fix a broken hyperdrive!
- Uh yeah, I'm a techno-thriller junkie, and I'd like to know, is an X-Wing more detectible when there's disturbances in The Force?
- And you can't join the Sith because it's too exclusive!
- A Jedi Temple without beer?? How pathetic!
- Lightsabres have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animals, such as the Rancor and the Wampa.
- Come on, put that away: those Geonosian sonic guns give you cancer.
- What's the matter Tarkin?? Ain't you ever seen a naked Adm. Daala riding a clam before?
- They say he made his lightsabre himself... from a bigger lightsabre.
Lou the Cop:
- Um...Chief, that wasn't a squad of Yuuzhan Vong. That was a metal band on its way to the Coruscant Metalfest. (Author's note: Some metal bands do indeed look like Yuuzhan Vong.)
Lovejoy, Helen:
- Wouldn't PLEASE anyone think of Han and Leia's children??
- It graphically portrays a side of the Force, which, practical as it may be, is evil.
- Well, I don't know about food from Tatooine. Isn't that whole area a little iffy?
Lovejoy, Reverend Timothy:
- We also have Sith ice cream!
- They call her the "Sith-Turned-Jedi Madonna..." - Mara Jade Skywalker!
- No, but He working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Jedi, Sith, or... Droids?
- I know that one of you is responsible for me, so repeat after me: "If I withhold the truth, may my soul fall straight into the devouring maw of the Dark Side, where I will eat not but burning hot bantha excrement, and I will drink not but burning hot Coruscantian rotgut moonshine, where the malign and wicked souls of ancient Sith Lords will stab me in back, where my soul will be chopped into confetti with double-ended lightsabres before a parade of Nerfherders and single mothers, where my rectum will be probed by deformed midget Kaminoans..." (Author's note: You have a better SW-ish description of SGAs??)
- And now let us rise and thank Kuat Drive Yards for their wonderfully menacing Executor-class Flagship.
- The next on our agenda is Lisa Simpson's Sith Daughter.
- And with flaming lightsabres whose blades shone fiery crimson, the dark lords of the Sith did pierce the eyes of the Jedi and did feast on what flowed forth. Among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh...
- Today's Jedi doesn't think he needs The Force. He's got his Delta-7 Starfighter, his lightsabre, and his instant pizza pie...
- Anyway, bloody gums Murphy was quite the Fizz-O-Phone player...
- Ned, have you thought about becoming a Sith Acolyte?? It's pretty much the same.
- I want you to clean these organpipes which you have befouled with the Dark Side Of The Force!
- Thanks a lot, Marge, that was Mos Eisley's only Cantina.
- Well, The Force is The Force. Plus I consulted a Massassi Sith holonet site.
- And the swords of the Jedi were like drills boring through walls of foolishness!
- Not the Jedi Temple! Yoda lives there!
- The Day of BDZ is upon us. I warned you the Emperor wouldn't stand for minidresses worn by anyone else than Ysanne Isard and Mara Jade.
- Anakin - with our help, you'll never touch The Dark Side again.
Mann, Otto:
- Wow, another Jedi Mind Trick!! Good that I'm not flying a Landspeeder right now!!
- So, who's gonna hold the secret of the Sith??
- I dunno. I just got an urge to join the Stormtrooper Corps. Sproc repoortmorts eht nioj!
- They're called Tusken Raiders, but they don't have tusks... oh, wait, now I get it.
McAllister, Captain:
- 'Tis no Hutt, 'tis a remorseless eatin' machine.
- Arr, ye call that a turbolaser?
- Arr, that's Handsome Bossk, he kills for nickels. Arr, not a quarter!! Now he'll go on a killing spree.
- Arr, have ye tried a Dianoga Scrap Squid? They can suck the bolts out of a X-Wing Fighter's hull.
- Yarr, it's kind of you to deliver these nude photos of Mara Jade. They'll keep this Star Destroyer's crew from resorting to homosexuality... fer about 10 minutes. Har Har Har. (Author's note: What is this, the ISD Liberace??)
- Arrr. I hate the galaxy and everything in it.
McClure, Troy:
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as "The Erotic Adventures of Boba Fett", "P is for Palpatine", "Star Destroyer Potemkin", "Obi-Wan Kenobi Back From The Dead", "Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad Sith?", "The Greatest Story Ever BDZ'ed", "Make-Out King of Mon Calamari", "Three Men And A Death Star", "Sleepless on Coruscant", "The Ewoks Go Medieval", "Hey Dude Where's My Clone Army?", "My Big Fat Corellian Wedding", "They Saved Palpatine's Brain!", "The Jedi Süss", "Bith of a Nation", "Corellian Bacon", "Raging Bantha", "Everything You Wanted To Know About Potential Sexual Uses For Guri But Were Afraid To Ask", "Viva Sebulba!", "Boba-Cabana", "An X-Wing Named Desire", "Fu Manchu: Sith Lord", "Snow White And The Seven Jawas", "The League Of Jedi Gentlemen", "Children Shouldn't Play With The Dark Side Of The Force", "Doctor Evazan M.D.", "Enter The Krayt Dragon", "The Mon Mothma Prophecies", "Cool Hand Luke Skywalker", "Womp-Rat Pfink A Boo Boo", "Bride of the Bantha",
"Hungry Hungry Hutts", "Stormtrooper Joe: A Real Imperial Hero", "What Next Summer You Will Do Yoda Knows", "How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love The Death Star", "How The Outer Rim Was Won", "Run Leia Run", "Do You Know What Playing Is, Greedo?" and the kitsch classic "Good-Time Luke, Uncle Owen and the Great Tatooine Freak-Out."
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. Some of you probably remember me for such infomercials such as "Yes To The Clonetrooper Project - Galactic Conquest Thanks To Science!" and "A Career In The Imperial Navy - Could It Be Something For You?"
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such educational films such as "Mommy, What's Wrong With Ysanne Isard's Left Eye?", "Darth Vader And You - Partners In Freedom", "Here Comes The Tarkin Doctrine", "Jaxxon Is Not A Rabbit", "Life Begins At Cloning", "Our Friends The Sith", "The Garbage Pail Kids Are Indeed Yuuzhan Vong", "I Can't Believe The Empire Funded It!" and Michael Moore's award-winning documentary "Bowling For Alderaan" .
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from do-it-yourself videos such as "How To Mothball Your Star Destroyer", "Home-Grown Clone Armies" and "The Dark Side of the Force - For Dummies."
- Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me for not starring in "The Divine Secrets Of Queen Amidala's Handmaidens". (author's note: If The Divine Secrets Of Queen Amidala's Handmaidens is what the title implies, Troy does indeed not have any business starring in it.)
- The Rebel Alliance isn't dumb, just ignorant!
- So, working in the Imperial Navy must be interesting.
McCoy, Buck:
- I'll show you a trick that works on dogs. And it also works on Grand Moff Tarkin.
- Can you catch a Bantha with a teaspoon??
- Did I forget to mention that I'm a Sith Lord???
Moleman, Hans:
- I was saying "Doo-ku"...
- You're surely doing your job well, Mr. Tarkin.
- Death Sticks ruined my life!
- Didn't the clone wars use to have clones in them?
- Oh no. The Force.
- No, I am not Yoda. (Author's note: The resemblance, however, is certainly there)
Movementarian Jedi:
- A new and better life awaits you in the Jedi Temple on the distant planet of Coruscant.
- It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank the balance in the Force.
- The Jedi Council know how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.
- When you join the Jedi Order you are guaranteed a life of perfection and unity with the Force, and perfect unity with the Force!
- Nananananananana The Force! Nananananananana The Force!
- The Force is good, the Force is great, we use the Force as of this date!
- It's no use. He is obviously the strongest in the Force.
Movementarian Sith:
- When you surrender yourself to the Dark Side, you are guaranteed a perfect life of power and dominance, and dominant power!
- Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon. The Death Star!!
- Would you rather have beer, or complete and utter mastery over the Dark Side of the Force??
- The Emperor knows how miserable you and your family are.
Movementarian Storm Troopers:
- When you enlist yourself in the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps, you are guaranteed a perfect life of glory and victory, and glorious victory!
- [zombie-like] No we don't, mother. We love the Emperor! [/zombie-like]
- It certainly is a beautiful day. We should thank the Emperor!
- A new and better life awaits you on the Stormtrooper Training World of Carida.
- The Empire is good, the Empire is great, (aims rifles) [sinister] surrender to the Empire as of this date! [/sinister]
- YAY! HERE COMES THE EMPEROR!
Muntz, Nielson:
- Hey, Bart, your Force Aura is showing!
- With no Galactic Empire around, I run this planet!
- When it comes to catching trout, nothing beats Imperial Stormtroopers.
- Shoplifting is a victimless crime.... like using the Dark Side of the Force!
- Hey, Corellian boy! Go back to Corellia!
- This would never have happened if we went to Mos Eisley.
- Whoa, a Qui-Gon Jinn rookie card!
- But I feel like such a Jedi!
- (looks at Alderaan being blown up and yells "HA-HA!!)
Murdoch, Lance:
- Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children. I'm glad you're all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my most dangerous stunt. I will death-defy both nature, gravity and The Force by leaping over this tank of water, filled with Opee Sea Killers, Dianoga Trash Compactor Squids, Colo Claw Fish, Dagobah Dragonback snakes, and perhaps most frightening of all, a Kamino Sea-Dragon genetically tailored specially for this event by the best biotechnicians in the galaxy! Heh heh heh. I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one drop of human blood. Now, in case I don't survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives, so buckle up!
Myers, Roger Jr.:
- Okay, maybe my dad did steal the Death Star blueprints, but so what? Starship design is built on plagiarising! If it weren't for someone plagiarizing the Acclamator-class troop transport, we wouldn't have the Victory-class Star Destroyer!
Nahassapeemapetilon, Apu:
- He slept, he stole, he was rude to the Padawans. Still, there goes the best damned Jedi Master the Council ever had.
- (snuggling a handsome female Twi'lek) Oh, Squishy Twi'lek Lady, you've had less than eight children, haven't you?
- Of course I am a Jedi. Haven't you ever seen my robes?
- Yes, I'm sorry, I do not speak Huttese, okay.
- Palpatine would be proud of you!!
Osbourne, Ozzy:
- Right, and the award for best disco music goes to... "Lapti Nek" by the Max Rebo Band?! WTF??
Powell, Herbert:
- The fleet doesn't want warships named after hungry Corellian broads!! They want warships with majestic, awe-inspiring and ominous names such as Imperator, Dominator and Sovereign!
Prince, Martin:
- Team Jedi Temple!!
- Hark to the tale of Qui-Gon, and the boy he loved so dear. They remained the best of friends 'till the battle of Naboo.
- So the next time a World Devastator consumes a neighbouring planet, remember to thank Mrs. Qwi Xux.
- I spent our last 10 dollars on this "Talking Admiral Piett Doll."
Puberty Boy:
- What are you going to do? Build your own Death Star and blow all your little friends to kingdom come? I'd like to see that. Ah ha ha ha...
Quimby, Mayor Diamond Joe:
- Everyone in favour of demolishing the Outlander Club, raise your hands!!
- And so I hereby declare that Route 401, currently known as the Emperor Palpatine Expressway, will hence forth be known as the Luke Skywalker Expressway.
- Nothing, nothing, only the Empire has just passed another tax on Grand Moff Leonia Tavira's puffy pants.
Scorpio, Hank:
- At Kuat Drive Yards, we don't believe in walls.
- By the way, which is your least favourite planet? Dantooine or Alderaan??
Sideshow Bob: (or Sith-Show Bob)
- Lightsabres. My old arch-enemy.
- You are in the Sith's power.... in the power of the Sith...
- Kill the Jedi! Just like we'll do tomorrow!
- But tonight, tonight I will taste the sweet nectar of the Dark Side!!
- Bart... Bart... Bart, it's time... it's time to blow up Alderaan!!
- Well, Krusty, this will be your Endor... and you will be Emperor Thrown-Down-Reactor.
- Oh no, my thermal detonator!
- Hello, Palp. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Kudos for bringing the public back to the Sitharian Part. It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Darth Jedikillers, Ethel Blow-Up-Planets, or even -- the Force forbid -- Wilhuff Tarkins.
- That was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Dark Lords of the Sith and lived to tell about it.
- I did this because you need Palpatine. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Valorum, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Sith Lord to lower taxes, brutalize the Jedi, and rule you like an Emperor!
- I have corrupted more young minds than the Sith and the Holo-Net combined!
- Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a few things about turbolasers.
Sideshow Mel:
- Just some Moffs.
- I'll see to it that Mr. Burns suffers the infernal machinations of Coruscant's grim tyrant, Emperor Palpatine the First!
Simpson, Dr.:
- The defective Simpson gene is on the Y chromosome. So only the men have it. Funnily enough, it's the opposite way in the Daala family. Or was that in the Isard family? (Author's note: Yes, I know this doesn't make much sense scientifically. Still, I find the joke somewhat funny.)
Simpson, Abraham:
- I'm an old man. I hate everyone except for Tarkin.
- TAAAAAAAAAARKIN!
- I say we call Tarkin. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Bail Organa or some other traitor.
- That Tarkin is just what the Imperial Navy needs: Young blood!
- I leave this: an Old Republic-era lightsabre. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in airspeeders, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen Rath Sienar flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and - where are you going?
- Holy smokes, that's it! From now on I'm thinkin', actin', and lookin' young, and I'm gonna start with a tin of cola from Dex' Diner. AARGH!! My tongue! It BUUURNS!
- You accuse me of everything around here? "Who put a Stormtrooper Helmet in the dishwasher? Who threw a lightsaber at the TV? Who fell into the Coruscant Hutch?"
- How can you have a house without an E-11 Blaster? What if a Wampa came through that door?
- Oh, sure. Let's see... I'm a Sith Acolyte, a Jedi Knight, a Red Knight of Life, a communist. I'm also the president of the Rebel Alliance for some reason... ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.
- The story of the Simpson family began in the Outer Rim. I forget where exactly. My dad would drone on and on about Corellia. He thought it was the greatest thing since hyperdrive, hyperdrive having been invented the previous winter.
- The Sith Order is evil, I tell you! EVIL! EEVIL!
- Not many people know I owned the first holo-net receiver in Springfield. Weren't much on the air then, just some guy reciting the Galactic Basic alphabet over and over.
- I'll be deep in the cold ground when I'll recognize the sovereignity of the Yuuzhan Pong! (author's note: yes, the Yuuzhan PONG)
- What's unappealing about hearing a Jedi talk about sex? Obi-Wan had SEEEEEEEX!!!
- According to legend, my own grandfather invented this aphrodisiac when he was trying to make a cheap subsitute for Bacta.
- This is the Galactic Republic. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like Palpatine from coming to power.
- Now, Grand Admiral Thrawn -- there's a haircut you could set your watch to.
- It was either that, or tell him his mother was a Rebel Alliance leader and a wanted traitor to the Emperor!
- All right, I admit it: I am the Fett baby. Waah! Waah! Goo goo. I miss my bounty-hunter daddy.
- That's the Millennium Falcon. To Geonosis, Wedge Antilles flew it fifteen parsecs with a cargo full of Kessel Spice. Singlehandedly won us the Galactic Wars, it did.
- Eh...you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a Corellian Gunship, but last year I proved myself wrong.
- The parsec system is the tool of the Sith! My starship gets forty gaffi-sticks to the bantha-head and that's the way I like it.
- The Clone Wars?? I fought in those, although I had to lie about whether I was a clone.
Simpson, Bart:
- The Imperial Army's on strike, maybe forever! Oh, overload, pleasure overload...
- Alderaan?? That's one planet I'll never blow up!!
- Han and Leia sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
- One-hour planet-destroyer?? Interesting!!
- This evening I shall go for the... Sarlacc platter... with extra tentacles.
- I got a D-! I passed I passed! I... ... ... kissed the Jedi Master!
- Don't have a Bantha, man!
- Jedi, Sith, Jedi, Sith. So they use the Force in another way. Does this really change our day to day lives?
- Everything tastes better when Force-pulled!
- Tomorrow, when you come back, you better have robes. Jedi robes. And they better be adorable.
- Looks, there's the Jedi Temple. The heart and soul of Coruscant.
- Let's watch Kashyyyk's nr.1 kid's show: Telewookies!!
- I'm just spending the summer getting to know my old friend, the Holo-Net, better!
- Has there been a Superlaser Festival, and I wasn't informed?? Get out.
- I'll save Lisa, frozen in carbonite or not frozen in carbonite.
- That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have lightsabres back then.
- The great thing about the Jedi Academy is that you learn something you can use.
- The Force? Come on, Milhouse, there is no such thing as the Force. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like Rancors, or the Max Rebo Band.
- And then, Grandpa claimed he was the one who turned the Seperatists and the Republic against each other.
- Good idea. Milhouse, you and me will be Rogue Squadron. Todd, you and Data are Wraith Squadron. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin.
- Bith music sucks. All it does is take precious air space away from the Max Rebo Band.
- I sold my soul to the Sith!
- That sarlacc's quite upbeat for somebody who eats Mandalorians.
- When I grow up, I'm going to become a Sith-O and order planets blown up at home, just like Palpatine.
- Look at me, Grandma: I'm a Rebel! Peace man, groovy! Bomb Alderaan!
- Buy me Bonestorm or go to the Maw.
- Mom, I'm not a Padawan anymore!!
- Everyone thinks I'm a Sith!! But I'll show them what one can do with the Dark Side!
- I'm going to pose as the Count of Serenno and get some old Sith Lord to leave me all his money.
- Eh-eh. You gotta be forty inches tall to make Grand Moff material.
- "I want to help you, Finis Valorum" - pfff - even your dreams are square.
- Making teenagers depressed is just as easy as nerf-herding.
- This planet's called Khomm. My dad says it's like Kamino if it were run by Ned Flanders.
- I can't get in trouble at school, I'm in a remedial class and surrounded by podracing orphans and kids cloned from Mandalorian Maoris.
- Can't sleep.... the Sith will eat me.... can't sleep.... the Sith will eat me....
- All the best bands are affiliated with The Sith. (author's note: Actually, there is a thrash metal band called "Sithlord". If you've ever heard Sodom or Kreator, you should have an idea what Sithlord's music sounds like.)
- Somebody ought to ruin Palpatine's career the way he ruined the Republic.
- We need another Alderaan to thin out their ranks a little.
- What happened to you, Alderaan? You used to be cool.
- All right, personals! Hmm... Successful Moff seeks "open-minded", lissome and supple redheaded human female. Preferably Imperial Navy officer.
- Do you know that humans use only 10% of their minds?? I now also use... The Force.
- I'm getting used to this Tatooine life. Teacher says I'm bulls-eyeing womp rats at a tenth-grade level.
- After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine. We got a tip from a six-year-old that there's a dead Rodian down there.
- Step right up, folks! We'll answer the question that's been plaguing scientists for ages: Can Womp-Rats fly planes?
- "Clone Wars". That's a good start. Hey, I'll go watch some Pod Racing.
- Can't you see? Ysanne Isard hasn't reformed... she's evil incarnate!
Simpson, Homer:
- Marge, with today's tibanna gas prices, we can't afford NOT to buy a bantha.
- Mustn't sleep... Must monitor Death Star reactor.
- It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent time known as the Clone Wars. Those were idealistic days... The candidacy of Palpatine, the rise of the Sith, it was an exciting time to be young...
- No, the Rebel Alliance said I was too heavy. The Imperial Stormtrooper Corps said I was too dumb.
- Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Abolishing democracy is cruel. Blowing up Alderaan is cruel. Enslaving the Mon Calamari is cruel. Everything is cruel. Well, excuse me if I'm cruel!
- And we can't watch Fox because they're owned by Kuat Drive Yards!!!
- Well, I can tell the difference between bacta and "I Can't Believe It's Not Bacta!"
- Oh, yeah. She's been as grey as a Duro since she was seventeen.
- Is there no place for the man with attunement to the Force?
- That's ridiculous, Thrawn. You do nothing but play God, and I think your clone stormtroopers would agree with me.
- Not clone-can, son -- Homer's Miracle Spaarti-Cylinder! Patent pending.
- Wait a minute...there's something bothering me about this place. I know! This Sith bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap, Darths!!
- Now Marge, "Dear Abby" says seeing films featuring hyperdrive can calm your fears. Ooh! Here are some upbeat titles: "A New Hope", "The Empire Strikes Back"... "Return of the Jedi!"
- Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like Darth Maul of Iridonia after his initiation by Sidious of Coruscant.
- Well, you know me, I love droids! R2D2, C3PO, the Donut Droid... if you're not part of the solution, Marge, you're part of the problem!
- And Ted Koppel is a Droid!!
- Oh yeah? What have the Jedi ever done for you? When was the last time Yoda cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Luke Skywalker? I'll tell ya! Luke is making out with Mara Jade!
- Not to worry, honey. We live in a highly technological age where blowing up a planet is as simple as turning off a light!
- The New Republic candidates aren't going to fire me if I don't vote for them.
- D'oh! Billions of human women in this galaxy and I had to marry Leia Organa!!
- You can't fight the Empire, also known as Blockoland.
- Standing up for the Mon Calamari feels Good. Perhaps I should do it again.
- But Bart has inner beauty... like a dianoga.
- I gave that guy hyperdrive coordinates, even though I didn't know the coordinates, because that's the way I am!!
- My hunger strike will not end before Palpatine admits that he is the Dark Lord of the Sith!
- I'm kinda like Luke Skywalker but in a Jedi way.
- Those flavours are from the Core Worlds! They're moving the team to Corellia!!
- Do you NOW understand how dangerous Imperial Death Stars are??? No wonder one Death Star blows up each time Luke Skywalker gets near.
- When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on the Dark Side of the Force!
- Oh no! Two hundred and thirty nine pounds! I'm a Hutt!
- There's nothing between me and Princess Leia!
- Uh, Mister Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no Lando Calrissian.
- Some things on imperial warships are so snazzy they never go out of style! Like knife-shaped hulls... And sensor globes... And big superlasers...
- All my life, I have searched for a Star Destroyer that feels a certain way. Powerful like a Rancor, yet soft and yielding like an Ewok. Now, at last, I have found it.
- Jango Fett is mandalorian??
- Oh, the Nerfherder Boys are on strike!! Ooh, I'm on strike!!
- The Simpsons are going to Kashyyyk!!
- Death Stars are the Empire's way of keeping itself in check. When there are so many planets that the Emperor gets confused, a Death Star is built.
- AAAH!!! Mynocks!!
- Don't worry. Being eaten by a Sarlacc is just like falling asleep in a blender, just slower.
- Can anybody light this Ewok??? AARGH! Bad Ewok!! Bad Ewok!!
- I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how the Empire's going to BDZ me if I don't follow them?
- I, on the other hand, have been having a wonderful day, and I owe it all to joining the Sith!
- Maybe a few Death Sticks would refresh my memory.
- Perhaps I shall mate the Geonosian arena beasts with each other. Soon, a new hybrid will emerge with the agility of a Reek, the intelligence of a Nexu and the loyalty of an Acklay!!
- You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this blaster, Emperor Palpatine could just walk in here any time he wants, and start shoving you around.
- A blaster is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a lightsabre, or a gaderfii, or...uh, a rancor. Or an Amphistaff.
- Ooh, the Dark Side of the Force cost me everything. My wife, my kids... everything but my precious, precious lightsabre.
- Oh! A lima bean that looks just like Yoda!
- Now I can show all of you what I've come to realise! The reason we're not allowed to go near Fondor is because there is no new Imperial flagship! The Emperor has taken our money just so he can... build one hell of an Executor-class Commandship!
- Marge, when I join the Rebel Alliance, I expect a little support from my family!
- Hey, what's going on? That guy's not Jabba the Hutt! He's fat and stupid!
- My padawan learners, there's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Jedi way!
- Here's some advice on women: Never give them nicknames such as "Bantha" and "Deathstar."
- He didn't even live to be a shadow of his former self, a once-mighty man shrivelled by the Dark Side of the Force!
- For me, the Clone Wars ended that day on Byss.
- [stoned] Marge, I have realised that I'm the "The" in "The Force!" [/stoned]
- What?? This starship has a hyperdrive??
- Jedi?? What's a Jedi??
- The Holo-Net is a boy's best friend.
- AARGH!! OOOOW!!! YEEEH!!!! The Mynock's got me!
- Marge? Kids? Everything's going to be just fine. Now go upstairs, and pack your bags...we're going to start a new life... on Kamino! There'll be no accusations, just friendly Grey aliens above the sea!
- "Carpal tunnel syndrome"...no. "Clone psychosis"...no. "Irrational fear of Hyperdrive travel"...no. "Arthritis from excessive lightsabre duelling"...no. Oh, I'm never going to be disabled! I'm sick of being so healthy. Hey, wait...Huttishness! "If you're a Hutt, you qualify as disabled."
- Imperial Academy Graduate students, eh? You can blow up Alderaan but you can't make my shoes smell great, huh??
- Maybe Obi-Wan is right. Obi-Wan is always right!
- But those Rebel spaceships always look so crummy!
- My only hope is this home-made deathstick. It needs more ice cream.
- What?? "Mr. And Mrs. Erotic Corellian??"
- And I don't believe in the Force! It breaks up republics, turns Sith against Jedi, battle-droids against Clonetroopers, neighbors against me.
- All right, you got your way. Your Mom's turning to a Jedi Knight for advice. She's going to tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family and you'll have to live on Dagobah with a little green guy.
- Stop! Those candidates are phonies! You heard me! They're clones from beyond the Outer Rim, spawned in the incubation facilities of distant, storm-hammer'd Kamino!
- My "Best of Max Rebo - Featuring Sy Snootles" album! So it was the dog that buried all our stuff.
- Marge, anyone can miss Corellia, all tucked away out there in the Outer Rim.
- Mmmm... blue yoghurt.
- Mmmm... deathsticks.
- Mmmm... Dex' appetizers.
- Mmmm... Bantha.
- To find Luke Skywalker, you gotta think like Luke Skywalker!! "I'm an effeminate, whiny farm boy, and I wear the same stupid tunic everyday!"
- What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll brand an Imperial Emblem to your butt and mail you to Mon Calamari!
- There it is! The chain that put the "Fat" into "Big Fat Hutt."
- I paid for a colossal Death Star, and I'm going to get a Colossal Death Star.
- Now, I'm a big Hutt dynamo!!
- There's an error!! Who the heck is Jaina Solo??
- That Admiral Daala thinks she is so big!! What happened to Thrawn??
- They didn't have aspirins, so I bought Death Sticks!
- That's weird. Like something out of those star movies about those wars.
- Ah, here it is. Han Solo's bookshelf. "Volume 1: Starship modifications."
- (designing a starship) I want a turbolaser turret here, here, and here. You can never find enough weaponry when you want to BDZ something.
- Yes, there's no such thing as a Sith!!
- Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's in heaven right now laughing it up with the other celebrities. Jango Fett, Sebulba, Wilhuff Tarkin.
- He attempted to assassinate Padmé Amidala?? He must have been one of the evilest men of the Clone Wars!
- He's a washed-up movie star. He should be dating washed-up Twi'lek dancers! Or, at least, he should be dating the results of the failed "Project: Kaminoan-Human Hybrid" genetic experiment, which in turn was a result of Lama Su's acid trips.
- I'm tired of these Yuuzhan Vong invasions! This galaxy is turning into a Yuuzhan Vong Country Circus.
- Now, Figrin D'An And The Modal Nodes paved the way for the Max Rebo Band, which involved some sort of elephant playing an organ.
- I'm an X-Wing pilot! A Rebel! I don't care for rules!!
- Well, it's like the time that Obi-Wan Kenobi died at the hands of Darth Vader. What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new Jedi Master.
- Kaminoans, clone armies, nude conspiracies... Oh my God! Dexter Jettster was right!!
- The Emperor gave me command over atoms!! Make those atoms march in unison!!
- Well, when Shmi makes a Manwich, she uses... erm, that weird sort of bread they eat on Tatooine.
- What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Death Star?
- We were sitting in the Millennium Falcon eating packets of mustard. You happy?
- The New Republic is embarrasing me. It's embarrassing Coruscant. They turned the Imperial Starfleet into a spaceborne joke. They ruined all our best names like Anakin, Jacen and Luke. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh...
- Don't worry, boy. We're gonna set you Sith. By tomorrow morning, you'll be a regular Darth Maul!
- Marge, I agree with you... in theory. In theory, the Old Republic worked. In theory.
- I am the ancient Sith Lord, Darth Ganesh! This wedding angers me. It will break up or all will die from the arcane lightning lancing from my fingertips.
- We elected the wrong Palpatine.
- Look! A message. This planet will be BDZed at sundown. Wait a second, I don't like the sound of that...
- Oh angel, listen not to this acolyte of the Sith!
- If there's anything the Yuuzhan Vong have taught us, it is that pelicans can be used for mixing cement.
- (drinking "Blood Bantha Beer") You can taste the Bantha.
- I saw Leonia Tavira's butt. I've paid enough!
- Did you see that Star Destroyer? So powerful... so commanding... so heavily armed and such an intimidating symbol of awesome Imperial might!
- A little starship-trucking music would fit the situation! (puts on a tape wih "Jedi Rocks")
- The Holo-Net is still around?
- No, man, let's go back to Tattooine!! I an' I been on Coruscant too long!
- Killing that Rancor was the best decision I ever made!
- Oooh, my horoscope. "Bantha: Today Tarkin will blow up your homeworld."
- I'm not very political -- I usually think people who vote are a bit fruity -- but for some reason this Palpatine really speaks to me.
- Hmm... (reading ballot information) I don't agree with Palpatine's Jedi-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy.
- Re-attach a thumb?? We aren't on Kamino!
- And if you get the chance, aim your lightsabre at the family jewels. That little doozy's been a trademark of the Dark Lords of the Sith for generations.
- With a prescription for dope, I can walk up to Palpatine and blow pot smoke up in his stupid Sith face and force him to enjoy it while grooving it!
- Wow, that Obi-Wan Kenobi guy is so high!
- [stoned] That Obi-Wan certainly had one crazy apartment. [/stoned]
- The galaxy just loves emperors. From Palpatine I to Larry King!
- There you see, the real money is in The Dark Side of the Force!
- So much for the legendary Geonosian hospitality.
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
-
Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8609
- Joined: 2002-07-04 10:57am
- Location: Denmark
- Contact:
even more...
Simpson, Lisa:
- She'll have the wisdom of Adi Gallia and the wit of Princess Leia Organa, the tenacity of Admiral Daala, and the common sense of Supreme Commander Mon Mothma! And to top it off, the down-to-earth good looks of Mara Jade. (Author's note: OK, I admit that Mara Jade's appearance is anything but down-to-earth. But we couldn't mention Leia two times, could we?? And in any case, Mara Jade's good looks are more down-to-earth than those of, say, Guri, Asajj Ventress or Ysanne Isard)
- It's not funny, Bart. Millions of Imperial Stormtroopers will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act -- that they can never be more than vacuous-minded thugs whose only goal is to look disciplined, earn a lot of military decorations and spend all day off duty with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look disciplined and have a high kill record! (author's note: If my prejudices about Imperial training systems are right, this might actually be an accurate description of most stormtroopers' way of thinking)
- Good luck, Dad! Although I'm morally opposed to the Galactic Imperial Star Fleet of which you are now a part.
- An Imperator-class Star Destroyer? [sarcastic] Oh, that's subtle.[/sarcastic]
- Ooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Queen of Naboo!
- But Mom, if you take our Holo-Net away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be droids.
- Darth Vader seems to have lost his edge...
- You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on Podracing?
- Dad, there's many prominent Twi'lek celebrities including Lynn Me, Orn Free Taa and Aayla Secura!!
- Find the Gold Wookiee and win a free vacation to Kashyyyk??
- Alderaan is like an azure jewel viewed hereup from space.
- Mom! Bart implied that I was a Bantha!!
- Wait!! Banthas don't hatch from eggs!!
- Those poor, helpless Banthas.
- I can't believe she had a rhyme for "Palpatine!!"
- I love Coruscant-town! Although I don't like the way they pick on Kashyyyk-town!
- TK-421 and all these other Stormtroopers are obviously the product of mental conditioning.
- That's just a dog in a Stormtrooper uniform.
- Why did Obi-Wan have a lasso?
- Can't you see what Palpatine has done to this Republic?
- Lenny and Carl?? Are you Jedi??
- Remember that fabled new clone son Ralph's been talking about?? It's an acorn.
- Because we all know you're a naive pawn -- puppet, if you will -- of the most diabolical political genius the galaxy has ever known: Emperor Palpatine I!!
- Boba Fett! You gave a talk on bounty hunters' issues at my school on how you don't have to be second-class citizens.
- Well, Mr. Tarkin, I hope you've realized the folly of blowing up innocent planets.
- There's no way I'll get into an Imperial Academy now. At this rate I probably won't even get into Carida.
- The tractor beam isn't a toy, Dad.
- Mom, I know your intentions are good - but aren't the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps the protective force that maintains the status quo for the Imperial government?
- Yeah, well, Bevel Lemelisk stole the Death Star blueprints from the Geonosians, but they stole'em from Steve Allen.
- I can't eat a poor little bantha.
- What's the difference between this bantha and the one that kissed me?
- I never realized before, but the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps' recruitment ads send the message that violence against Ewoks is funny.
- Is there anything here which there isn't Bantha in??
- I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for the Rebel Alliance and you were wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!
- I want to meet the first female X-Wing pilot. During the Galactic Civil War she destroyed seventy TIE-Fighters.
- That New Republic Senate is a hotbed of isolationist snobs and war-mongerering imperialists.
- Mom, do you want to know the fifteen reasons I like tauntauns better than air speeders? One, a tauntaun never has to...
- Han Solo was really a vicious pirate named Han Suul. He once killed a Rodian in a groghouse fight.
- No, not Janey! She'll pack the New Republican Senate with Trandoshans!
- General Kenobi??
- (describing pot smoke) It smells like Obi-Wan's robes.
- Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Daala, and then sold off piece by piece to Grand Moff Tarkin, who died with his Death Star.
- Oh no, I think I have a crush on Jacen Solo.
- Dad, I think he's a Yuuzhan Vong! His boots are vonduun crab, his hat is vonduun crab, and I'm pretty sure that check is a living creature on its own, too!
- Eww, why is Guri on that box of Wheaties?
- Wookiee slave-labour - you get what you pay for!
- (looking down from one of the higher levels of a Coruscantian hotel) Oooh... there is the Palace Of Emp. Palpatine... and the Outlander Club!
- What do Yuuzhan Vong have to do with Halloween?
- Do we have any food that wasn't BDZ'ed??
- Mom, it's wrong of Kaminoan cloners to play God with nature.
Simpson, Marge:
- Homer, it's not the solution to move to Kamino! It's not gonna happen!
- Honey, you're not going to throw red paint at the executives, are you? The Kuat Drive Yards people were very upset.
- Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Darth Vader's Death Squadron because you thought the Executor was going to BDZ your garden?
- Aah! Bart, put that down! Lightsabers are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house!
- Homer, when did you become a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Droids??
- Well, leave it to good ol' Luke Skywalker to finally step in and do something about that hideous Yuuzhan Vong invasion.
- Outer Rim Baby Proofing?? What's that??
- Who's Palpatine??
- My name is Marge. I'm here about your ad: "Single white Homo Sapiens female wanted for doing mysterious jobs for the Emperor. Must like the Dark Side. Non-smokers and redheads preferred."
- Well, you can tell that Ysanne Isard never had children - just look how firm and high her breasts are. (editor's note: This one was originally to be about Admiral Daala, but I later changed it to Isard. To be honest, I don't know which of these attractive-but-evil ladies has the firmer chest, but neither of them have had any children, that's for sure. But for that matter, in this punchline I could replace Isard with any attractive female villain in the entire SW universe - from Asajj Ventress to Leonia Tavira.
)
- Around here, the Black Knights of the Sith Order don't get any desserts for lunch.
- C3PO and R2D2 at least left it to your imagination.
- What? Lando Calrissian's having an affair!!
- The Jedi Academy is no place for little girls!!
- Homer, Leia is a woman.
- This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty. It's a book on tape by Count Dooku, you know, that nice Serennoan man who's like a pleasant version of Darth Tyrannus?
- Nobody wanted to babysit you, so I had between a student at the Imperial Naval Academy and a scary-looking Wookiee.
- Will you two please stop saying "The Force" so much??
- Ah, here we have Han Solo and Lando Calrissian... rolled into one!
- I just realized we never had a wedding for the Tauntaun and the Wampa... they've been living in sin!
- OK, I'll talk about father... Luke Skywalker's father. That's the guy they also call Darth Vader.
- Now, I know we love the Ewoks very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem.
- Bart, it's illegal for you to operate that TIE-Fighter without a pressurized space suit.
- And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that he falls down a Sarlacc pit.
- Your boyhood dream is to eat the galaxy's biggest hoagie! And you did it at the Outer Rim Fair on Mon Calamari last year, remember!?
- A Krayt Dragon with sunglasses? Hah! Now I've seen everything.
- The Empire is BDZ'ing everything we hold dear! And you kids should have jackets on.
- It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the Dark Side of The Force!
- Palpatine, North Dakota?
- You won't be watching the Holo-Net any more. Ever.
- No, I will not pay Grand Moff Tarkin 500 credits for sex!
- If Grand Admiral Thrawn jumped off a cliff, would you do that too?
- A Sith behind a mask is still a Sith.
- You want to see women at the workplace?? Then why not go work at Daala's office at the Maw??
- Hello? Oh hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Dantooine. Good night. Hello?? Imperial High Command?? No, my son's car was not crushed on Alderaan. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that. Hello?? No, Bart's not available tomorrow to deliver Boba Fett's blood samples to Kamino tomorrow. Homer, are you laughing at me?
- Turbolaser cannons are designed to BDZ!!
- I still don't understand why we have to order a clone army from a planet I haven't even heard of.
- I've been so bored since we moved here, I found myself taking a Death Stick each day.
- CalamariVision goggles? A bathroom scale from a Star Destroyer? A briefcase case made out of a Krayt Dragon's skin? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems. (Author's note: "Calamarivision" goggles let you see everything the way Mon Calamari see it.)
- Homer, why are they saying you're going to fight Chewbacca?
- Remember, Bart, Sith Lords aren't cool, they're bad people.
- Homer, you know how unpredictable the Yuuzhan Vong are. One minute they're kissing a woman's hand, the next, they're sacrificing her to Yun-Yammka! What if they start a war?
- You're crazy! I'm not a Sith!
- Just because all the people who lived in that house fell to the Dark Side of The Force, doesn't it mean the same is going to happen to the Flanders.
- The whole town thinks you're kind of a Jedi Master - Kenobi's green with envy.
- (describing Daala) I can't believe someone that hot could have been promoted to admiral.
- Wow, look at that house! The house's number is written in Aurebesh!
- These Kaminoan architects surely have some crazy ideas!! I mean... a city shaped like a cross between an oilrig, pulp sci-fi cover art and a Turkish mosque! Who else could have thought up that?
- (Reading a description of Mara Jade) "Her turn-ons include skintight black leather and the Dark Side of The Force... her turn-offs include the Rebel Alliance and everything associated with it." Ohh.
- He'd be cute if he didn't work for the Empire.
- Nom Anor, my family and I share your vision of a better tomorrow... now! (draws a blaster and guns down every Vong in sight) Friends with Yuuzhan Vong... [sarcastic] Right! [/sarcastic]
- The good thing about a Wookiee wedding is that I'm not the hairiest woman here.
Simpson, Mona (Homer's mother):
- It all started during the Clone Wars!!
- Luke Skywalker's wild, untamed farmboy hair revealed a new word of rebellion - of change.
- Oh, my little Homie-Ewok.
- We've met the enemy and it was Emperor Palpatine. Drastic means must be taken to take out his Imperial war machines.
Skinner, Seymour:
- Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you're of Yuuzhan Vong extraction.
- The Second Space Battle O'er Springfieldooine IX was fought between the Empire, the Rebel Alliance.... and the Middle-Aged Republic.
- We've just been tipped off that Grand Moff Chalmers is planning a surprise inspection, so let's clean up this pig sty. On another topic, the following students have won Landspeeders: Bart Simpson, Jimbo Jones, Nelson Muntz.
- The Moffs told me I'd get a big parade when I came back from Hoth, but instead they spat on me.
- In the event of the Empire choosing to BDZ this planet, fallout shelter space will be limited. Space will be reserved for Lisa, Martin, young Boba Fett, that Podracing Wiz Kid, and Sherri, but not Terri.
- Dexter Jettster's Special contains much needed poisonous additives and vital death stick concentrate.
- This is a great way to make extra money, renting out our cloakrooms to the Death Star's prison system.
- Not through the Jedi Younglings!!
- We were on recon in the steaming Tatooine Desert. An overheated Storm Trooper removed his armour, revealing a kevlar jumpsuit with an iron-on sporting the slogan "Up With Mini-Skirts".
- Every class will do its part to make our planetary bicentennial just as memorable as the New Republic Anniversary.
- For a school with no Kaminoan kids I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
Smash, Lt.:
- And I'm the mack daddy behind such groups as, "Barquin D'An And The Non-Modal Nodes", and "The Lando Calrissian Disco Quartet." I'm going to make you stars.
- Good afternoon, and welcome to the ISD Starspanker.
Smithers, Waylon:
- Attention, everyone. Let's have an awed hush please for Darth Burns.
- Whew! Heh, that would be quite a feat. Yoda is a total recluse! He hasn't appeared in public in over twenty years. Here, I'm writing an article on him for my next newsletter. It contains his last known whereabouts. Here, I'll print you out a copy.
- Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: Darth Maul's twin-bladed lightsabre, the only existing nude photo of Grand Admiral Thrawn and that rare first draft of the Declaration of Rebellion with the word "suckers" in it.
- Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw the Emperor down the reactor core.
- I think that women and Sith-men don't mix.
- Oh, Darth Burns, we'll get you out the second the Bacta has healed the seventeen stab wounds in the back.
- I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one when you let Thrawn win.
- Darth Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with Grand Moff Tarkin.
- It's not a Kaminoan! It's Darth Burns!
Snake:
- Fry, Gamorrean.
- Oh no, that's the Snake-1! And she's in pain! Screw the Mandalorian Code of Honour, my Firespray needs me! (author's note: Snake as a Mandalorian - why not?)
- What about some forbidden fruit? This is like, from Padmé Amidala's secret stash!
Snyder, Judge Roy:
- Mr. Simpson, you are forbidden to come within five parsecs of any Jedi, living or dead.
- Hmm. "Han Skywalker," "Luke Solo," "Lando Antilles," "Wedge Calrissian." Huh, I'm going to give you the only name you spelt correctly. From this day forward, your name shall be ... Max Power!
Springfield, Jebediah:
- People, our search is over! This planet we shall settle where we can use The Force, govern justly, and extract vast amounts of tibanna gas for use as Blaster ammunition!
Sweet, Lucius:
- Yes, managing Sebulba has been my highest priority, even though he is temporarily incarcerated in a heavy-duty electromagnetic forcefield for pushing a Gran down the stairs. But with his inpending release, I've been strategizing for his glorious return to the Boonta Eve Classic.
Szyslak, Moe:
- All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the Twi'lek ladies in the love-slave cloning catalogues.
- Kuat Drive Yards bought the Springfield Isotopes from from Jango & Boba Fett. It was one of the last family-owned teams.
- I think it's a sign from the Emperor that we shall all go nuts!!
- I was born a Force-User, and I'll die a Force-User.
- Dammit! It fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in! Ahh, I guess it's back to the good ol' fashioned Force.
- The deep fryer's here. Heh heh, I got it used, straight off a decommissioned Star Destroyer. You can flash-fry a Bantha in seconds. (Inscription on Deep Fryer reads: "ISD Armoured Fist, H18-deck Mess")
- Oho, an Alderaanian boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in the Galactic Civil War.
- How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for... Max Rebo Band featuring Sy Snootles!
- And remember our guarantee: If Grand Moff Tarkin doesn't smile when your homeworld is blown up, you'll eat for free!!
- You know, Pod Racing might be right up your alley.
- When I realized we hadn't have any ladies in here since Mara Jade last was here, I turned it into an office.
- Aw, it ain't no mystery. The whole New Republic's got a swishifying effect on kids today. And this Jedi Order thingy and all that blue yoghurt ain't gonna set'em Sith, neither. You gotta do it yourself, Homer, and you gotta do it fast.
- Jeeze, he's got anything but the Sith Lords!
- Where have you been, Homer? The entire Kuat Drive Yards Corporation is gay.
- I used to be a Sith Lord just like you. They called me Darth Gorgeous. Later on, it was Darth Presentable. Then Darth Gruesome. And finally, Darth Moe.
Tex:
- Gentlemen, start your turbolasers!
- 100,000 simoleons to make the galaxy's first fly-through Deathstar repair facility. YEE-HAW!
- On Corellia, we do tragedy right, that's why in memory of that poor young lady, I'm turning this entire forest into the Leia Organa Wilderness Preserve.
Van Houten, Grandpa:
- No, I'm not a Jedi Knight. I just happen to own a YT-1300 Corellian Transport converted into an interstellar RV.
Van Houten, Millhouse:
- Wait! How about a fair? Not just a planetary fair, not just a sector fair, but an Imperial fair... the Great Imperial Fair on Coruscant! The Tusken Raiders have built a giant motorized Gadderfi, and the fair's symbol is a miniature Death Star, which sits atop a big steel shaft.
- OK, here's what we've got: the Neimoidian Trade Federation, in conjunction with the Hutt Crime Syndicates under the supervision of the Sith Lords are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner.
- So if you're so sure, why not sell your soul to the Sith??
- Remember Jar-Jar Binks?? He's back - in POG FORM!!
- MOM! Bart's using the Dark Side of The Force!!!
- Watch out, Itchy!! He's Corellian!
- Wow! If Palpatine wore pants, he'd use that belt!!
- You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where the Kaminoans take the brains out of zombies and put them in the heads of Clonetroopers to create... Storm Troopers! (Author's note: This, at least, explains why stormtroopers have worse aim than Clonetroopers.)
- Hey, Bart! What about a ride in my uncle's LAAT/H??
Washington, George:
- We had quitters in the Clone Wars, too! We called them "Mon Calamari!"
Wiggum, Chief Clancy:
- Yes, everybody's heard of the Geonosians, but who's heard of a Kaminoan?
- We'll catch Solo. And then he'll learn the fine art of bounty-hunting.
- Afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili? I've added an extra ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Kashyyyk! Grown deep in the jungle primeval by a bunch of crazy Wookiees.
- Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary acklay, a bug with the head of a lizard and... apparently, the body of a lizard too.
- I mailed these bogus prize certificates to every scoundrel on the Outer Rim. When they show up for their free Firespray-Class Patrol Vessels, we arrest them and beat them to the full extent of the law.
- Well, if it isn't that stupid Stormtrooper from TV.
- Hold over, Mara Jade!! You have been proven guilty of having fallen to the Dark Side Of The Force!
- Sorry, but law dictates that this Bantha either gets a decent home or gets turned into food.
Wiggum, Ralph:
- Your father told me about Tatooinian cooking.
- My rancor's breath smells like Twi'lek.
- The trandoshans bent my wookiee.
- When I grow up, I'm going to graduate at Bantha University.
- When I grow up, I want to be a Grand Moff... or a caterpillar.
- That's where I saw the Ewok. He tells me to blow up planets.
- Hi, Grand Muffler Tarkin.
- I heard Jabba The Hutt went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
- You're Anakin Skywalker!! I like you because you kill Tusken Raiders.
- Mr. Stormtrooper, I can't sleep without my Reggie Womp-Rat!
Willie, Groundskeeper:
- It's impossible for me to handle a lightsaber. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingers. Look at 'em! I got them during the Clone Wars!
- Eh, you're lucky you're getting a decent burial. Me own father fell in a Sarlacc pit!!
- If elected Supreme Chancellor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of the Jedi and burn Alderaan to cinders!!
- You've mastered the Force, but can you handle its Dark Side?
- My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in their airspeeders. I dinna come forward because in the New Republic, it makes you look like a pervert -- but every single Corellian person does it!
- That colored chalk was forged by Darth Maul himself!
- I shall strike with what you cannot protect yourself against! With The Force!!
- Ach! Sarlacc-Sand!!
Wolfecastle, Rainier:
- Nice robes, Johnny, makes you look like a Jedi.
- Now, my Luke Skywalker impression: I'm a whiny, neurotic farmboy who likes to sleep with little girls.
- She'll have the wisdom of Adi Gallia and the wit of Princess Leia Organa, the tenacity of Admiral Daala, and the common sense of Supreme Commander Mon Mothma! And to top it off, the down-to-earth good looks of Mara Jade. (Author's note: OK, I admit that Mara Jade's appearance is anything but down-to-earth. But we couldn't mention Leia two times, could we?? And in any case, Mara Jade's good looks are more down-to-earth than those of, say, Guri, Asajj Ventress or Ysanne Isard)
- It's not funny, Bart. Millions of Imperial Stormtroopers will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act -- that they can never be more than vacuous-minded thugs whose only goal is to look disciplined, earn a lot of military decorations and spend all day off duty with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look disciplined and have a high kill record! (author's note: If my prejudices about Imperial training systems are right, this might actually be an accurate description of most stormtroopers' way of thinking)
- Good luck, Dad! Although I'm morally opposed to the Galactic Imperial Star Fleet of which you are now a part.
- An Imperator-class Star Destroyer? [sarcastic] Oh, that's subtle.[/sarcastic]
- Ooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Queen of Naboo!
- But Mom, if you take our Holo-Net away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be droids.
- Darth Vader seems to have lost his edge...
- You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on Podracing?
- Dad, there's many prominent Twi'lek celebrities including Lynn Me, Orn Free Taa and Aayla Secura!!
- Find the Gold Wookiee and win a free vacation to Kashyyyk??
- Alderaan is like an azure jewel viewed hereup from space.
- Mom! Bart implied that I was a Bantha!!
- Wait!! Banthas don't hatch from eggs!!
- Those poor, helpless Banthas.
- I can't believe she had a rhyme for "Palpatine!!"
- I love Coruscant-town! Although I don't like the way they pick on Kashyyyk-town!
- TK-421 and all these other Stormtroopers are obviously the product of mental conditioning.
- That's just a dog in a Stormtrooper uniform.
- Why did Obi-Wan have a lasso?
- Can't you see what Palpatine has done to this Republic?
- Lenny and Carl?? Are you Jedi??
- Remember that fabled new clone son Ralph's been talking about?? It's an acorn.
- Because we all know you're a naive pawn -- puppet, if you will -- of the most diabolical political genius the galaxy has ever known: Emperor Palpatine I!!
- Boba Fett! You gave a talk on bounty hunters' issues at my school on how you don't have to be second-class citizens.
- Well, Mr. Tarkin, I hope you've realized the folly of blowing up innocent planets.
- There's no way I'll get into an Imperial Academy now. At this rate I probably won't even get into Carida.
- The tractor beam isn't a toy, Dad.
- Mom, I know your intentions are good - but aren't the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps the protective force that maintains the status quo for the Imperial government?
- Yeah, well, Bevel Lemelisk stole the Death Star blueprints from the Geonosians, but they stole'em from Steve Allen.
- I can't eat a poor little bantha.
- What's the difference between this bantha and the one that kissed me?
- I never realized before, but the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps' recruitment ads send the message that violence against Ewoks is funny.
- Is there anything here which there isn't Bantha in??
- I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for the Rebel Alliance and you were wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!
- I want to meet the first female X-Wing pilot. During the Galactic Civil War she destroyed seventy TIE-Fighters.
- That New Republic Senate is a hotbed of isolationist snobs and war-mongerering imperialists.
- Mom, do you want to know the fifteen reasons I like tauntauns better than air speeders? One, a tauntaun never has to...
- Han Solo was really a vicious pirate named Han Suul. He once killed a Rodian in a groghouse fight.
- No, not Janey! She'll pack the New Republican Senate with Trandoshans!
- General Kenobi??
- (describing pot smoke) It smells like Obi-Wan's robes.
- Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Daala, and then sold off piece by piece to Grand Moff Tarkin, who died with his Death Star.
- Oh no, I think I have a crush on Jacen Solo.
- Dad, I think he's a Yuuzhan Vong! His boots are vonduun crab, his hat is vonduun crab, and I'm pretty sure that check is a living creature on its own, too!
- Eww, why is Guri on that box of Wheaties?
- Wookiee slave-labour - you get what you pay for!
- (looking down from one of the higher levels of a Coruscantian hotel) Oooh... there is the Palace Of Emp. Palpatine... and the Outlander Club!
- What do Yuuzhan Vong have to do with Halloween?
- Do we have any food that wasn't BDZ'ed??
- Mom, it's wrong of Kaminoan cloners to play God with nature.
Simpson, Marge:
- Homer, it's not the solution to move to Kamino! It's not gonna happen!
- Honey, you're not going to throw red paint at the executives, are you? The Kuat Drive Yards people were very upset.
- Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Darth Vader's Death Squadron because you thought the Executor was going to BDZ your garden?
- Aah! Bart, put that down! Lightsabers are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house!
- Homer, when did you become a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Droids??
- Well, leave it to good ol' Luke Skywalker to finally step in and do something about that hideous Yuuzhan Vong invasion.
- Outer Rim Baby Proofing?? What's that??
- Who's Palpatine??
- My name is Marge. I'm here about your ad: "Single white Homo Sapiens female wanted for doing mysterious jobs for the Emperor. Must like the Dark Side. Non-smokers and redheads preferred."
- Well, you can tell that Ysanne Isard never had children - just look how firm and high her breasts are. (editor's note: This one was originally to be about Admiral Daala, but I later changed it to Isard. To be honest, I don't know which of these attractive-but-evil ladies has the firmer chest, but neither of them have had any children, that's for sure. But for that matter, in this punchline I could replace Isard with any attractive female villain in the entire SW universe - from Asajj Ventress to Leonia Tavira.
)- Around here, the Black Knights of the Sith Order don't get any desserts for lunch.
- C3PO and R2D2 at least left it to your imagination.
- What? Lando Calrissian's having an affair!!
- The Jedi Academy is no place for little girls!!
- Homer, Leia is a woman.
- This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty. It's a book on tape by Count Dooku, you know, that nice Serennoan man who's like a pleasant version of Darth Tyrannus?
- Nobody wanted to babysit you, so I had between a student at the Imperial Naval Academy and a scary-looking Wookiee.
- Will you two please stop saying "The Force" so much??
- Ah, here we have Han Solo and Lando Calrissian... rolled into one!
- I just realized we never had a wedding for the Tauntaun and the Wampa... they've been living in sin!
- OK, I'll talk about father... Luke Skywalker's father. That's the guy they also call Darth Vader.
- Now, I know we love the Ewoks very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem.
- Bart, it's illegal for you to operate that TIE-Fighter without a pressurized space suit.
- And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that he falls down a Sarlacc pit.
- Your boyhood dream is to eat the galaxy's biggest hoagie! And you did it at the Outer Rim Fair on Mon Calamari last year, remember!?
- A Krayt Dragon with sunglasses? Hah! Now I've seen everything.
- The Empire is BDZ'ing everything we hold dear! And you kids should have jackets on.
- It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the Dark Side of The Force!
- Palpatine, North Dakota?
- You won't be watching the Holo-Net any more. Ever.
- No, I will not pay Grand Moff Tarkin 500 credits for sex!
- If Grand Admiral Thrawn jumped off a cliff, would you do that too?
- A Sith behind a mask is still a Sith.
- You want to see women at the workplace?? Then why not go work at Daala's office at the Maw??
- Hello? Oh hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Dantooine. Good night. Hello?? Imperial High Command?? No, my son's car was not crushed on Alderaan. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that. Hello?? No, Bart's not available tomorrow to deliver Boba Fett's blood samples to Kamino tomorrow. Homer, are you laughing at me?
- Turbolaser cannons are designed to BDZ!!
- I still don't understand why we have to order a clone army from a planet I haven't even heard of.
- I've been so bored since we moved here, I found myself taking a Death Stick each day.
- CalamariVision goggles? A bathroom scale from a Star Destroyer? A briefcase case made out of a Krayt Dragon's skin? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems. (Author's note: "Calamarivision" goggles let you see everything the way Mon Calamari see it.)
- Homer, why are they saying you're going to fight Chewbacca?
- Remember, Bart, Sith Lords aren't cool, they're bad people.
- Homer, you know how unpredictable the Yuuzhan Vong are. One minute they're kissing a woman's hand, the next, they're sacrificing her to Yun-Yammka! What if they start a war?
- You're crazy! I'm not a Sith!
- Just because all the people who lived in that house fell to the Dark Side of The Force, doesn't it mean the same is going to happen to the Flanders.
- The whole town thinks you're kind of a Jedi Master - Kenobi's green with envy.
- (describing Daala) I can't believe someone that hot could have been promoted to admiral.
- Wow, look at that house! The house's number is written in Aurebesh!
- These Kaminoan architects surely have some crazy ideas!! I mean... a city shaped like a cross between an oilrig, pulp sci-fi cover art and a Turkish mosque! Who else could have thought up that?
- (Reading a description of Mara Jade) "Her turn-ons include skintight black leather and the Dark Side of The Force... her turn-offs include the Rebel Alliance and everything associated with it." Ohh.
- He'd be cute if he didn't work for the Empire.
- Nom Anor, my family and I share your vision of a better tomorrow... now! (draws a blaster and guns down every Vong in sight) Friends with Yuuzhan Vong... [sarcastic] Right! [/sarcastic]
- The good thing about a Wookiee wedding is that I'm not the hairiest woman here.
Simpson, Mona (Homer's mother):
- It all started during the Clone Wars!!
- Luke Skywalker's wild, untamed farmboy hair revealed a new word of rebellion - of change.
- Oh, my little Homie-Ewok.
- We've met the enemy and it was Emperor Palpatine. Drastic means must be taken to take out his Imperial war machines.
Skinner, Seymour:
- Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you're of Yuuzhan Vong extraction.
- The Second Space Battle O'er Springfieldooine IX was fought between the Empire, the Rebel Alliance.... and the Middle-Aged Republic.
- We've just been tipped off that Grand Moff Chalmers is planning a surprise inspection, so let's clean up this pig sty. On another topic, the following students have won Landspeeders: Bart Simpson, Jimbo Jones, Nelson Muntz.
- The Moffs told me I'd get a big parade when I came back from Hoth, but instead they spat on me.
- In the event of the Empire choosing to BDZ this planet, fallout shelter space will be limited. Space will be reserved for Lisa, Martin, young Boba Fett, that Podracing Wiz Kid, and Sherri, but not Terri.
- Dexter Jettster's Special contains much needed poisonous additives and vital death stick concentrate.
- This is a great way to make extra money, renting out our cloakrooms to the Death Star's prison system.
- Not through the Jedi Younglings!!
- We were on recon in the steaming Tatooine Desert. An overheated Storm Trooper removed his armour, revealing a kevlar jumpsuit with an iron-on sporting the slogan "Up With Mini-Skirts".
- Every class will do its part to make our planetary bicentennial just as memorable as the New Republic Anniversary.
- For a school with no Kaminoan kids I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
Smash, Lt.:
- And I'm the mack daddy behind such groups as, "Barquin D'An And The Non-Modal Nodes", and "The Lando Calrissian Disco Quartet." I'm going to make you stars.
- Good afternoon, and welcome to the ISD Starspanker.
Smithers, Waylon:
- Attention, everyone. Let's have an awed hush please for Darth Burns.
- Whew! Heh, that would be quite a feat. Yoda is a total recluse! He hasn't appeared in public in over twenty years. Here, I'm writing an article on him for my next newsletter. It contains his last known whereabouts. Here, I'll print you out a copy.
- Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: Darth Maul's twin-bladed lightsabre, the only existing nude photo of Grand Admiral Thrawn and that rare first draft of the Declaration of Rebellion with the word "suckers" in it.
- Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw the Emperor down the reactor core.
- I think that women and Sith-men don't mix.
- Oh, Darth Burns, we'll get you out the second the Bacta has healed the seventeen stab wounds in the back.
- I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one when you let Thrawn win.
- Darth Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with Grand Moff Tarkin.
- It's not a Kaminoan! It's Darth Burns!
Snake:
- Fry, Gamorrean.
- Oh no, that's the Snake-1! And she's in pain! Screw the Mandalorian Code of Honour, my Firespray needs me! (author's note: Snake as a Mandalorian - why not?)
- What about some forbidden fruit? This is like, from Padmé Amidala's secret stash!
Snyder, Judge Roy:
- Mr. Simpson, you are forbidden to come within five parsecs of any Jedi, living or dead.
- Hmm. "Han Skywalker," "Luke Solo," "Lando Antilles," "Wedge Calrissian." Huh, I'm going to give you the only name you spelt correctly. From this day forward, your name shall be ... Max Power!
Springfield, Jebediah:
- People, our search is over! This planet we shall settle where we can use The Force, govern justly, and extract vast amounts of tibanna gas for use as Blaster ammunition!
Sweet, Lucius:
- Yes, managing Sebulba has been my highest priority, even though he is temporarily incarcerated in a heavy-duty electromagnetic forcefield for pushing a Gran down the stairs. But with his inpending release, I've been strategizing for his glorious return to the Boonta Eve Classic.
Szyslak, Moe:
- All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the Twi'lek ladies in the love-slave cloning catalogues.
- Kuat Drive Yards bought the Springfield Isotopes from from Jango & Boba Fett. It was one of the last family-owned teams.
- I think it's a sign from the Emperor that we shall all go nuts!!
- I was born a Force-User, and I'll die a Force-User.
- Dammit! It fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in! Ahh, I guess it's back to the good ol' fashioned Force.
- The deep fryer's here. Heh heh, I got it used, straight off a decommissioned Star Destroyer. You can flash-fry a Bantha in seconds. (Inscription on Deep Fryer reads: "ISD Armoured Fist, H18-deck Mess")
- Oho, an Alderaanian boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in the Galactic Civil War.
- How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for... Max Rebo Band featuring Sy Snootles!
- And remember our guarantee: If Grand Moff Tarkin doesn't smile when your homeworld is blown up, you'll eat for free!!
- You know, Pod Racing might be right up your alley.
- When I realized we hadn't have any ladies in here since Mara Jade last was here, I turned it into an office.
- Aw, it ain't no mystery. The whole New Republic's got a swishifying effect on kids today. And this Jedi Order thingy and all that blue yoghurt ain't gonna set'em Sith, neither. You gotta do it yourself, Homer, and you gotta do it fast.
- Jeeze, he's got anything but the Sith Lords!
- Where have you been, Homer? The entire Kuat Drive Yards Corporation is gay.
- I used to be a Sith Lord just like you. They called me Darth Gorgeous. Later on, it was Darth Presentable. Then Darth Gruesome. And finally, Darth Moe.
Tex:
- Gentlemen, start your turbolasers!
- 100,000 simoleons to make the galaxy's first fly-through Deathstar repair facility. YEE-HAW!
- On Corellia, we do tragedy right, that's why in memory of that poor young lady, I'm turning this entire forest into the Leia Organa Wilderness Preserve.
Van Houten, Grandpa:
- No, I'm not a Jedi Knight. I just happen to own a YT-1300 Corellian Transport converted into an interstellar RV.
Van Houten, Millhouse:
- Wait! How about a fair? Not just a planetary fair, not just a sector fair, but an Imperial fair... the Great Imperial Fair on Coruscant! The Tusken Raiders have built a giant motorized Gadderfi, and the fair's symbol is a miniature Death Star, which sits atop a big steel shaft.
- OK, here's what we've got: the Neimoidian Trade Federation, in conjunction with the Hutt Crime Syndicates under the supervision of the Sith Lords are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner.
- So if you're so sure, why not sell your soul to the Sith??
- Remember Jar-Jar Binks?? He's back - in POG FORM!!
- MOM! Bart's using the Dark Side of The Force!!!
- Watch out, Itchy!! He's Corellian!
- Wow! If Palpatine wore pants, he'd use that belt!!
- You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where the Kaminoans take the brains out of zombies and put them in the heads of Clonetroopers to create... Storm Troopers! (Author's note: This, at least, explains why stormtroopers have worse aim than Clonetroopers.)
- Hey, Bart! What about a ride in my uncle's LAAT/H??
Washington, George:
- We had quitters in the Clone Wars, too! We called them "Mon Calamari!"
Wiggum, Chief Clancy:
- Yes, everybody's heard of the Geonosians, but who's heard of a Kaminoan?
- We'll catch Solo. And then he'll learn the fine art of bounty-hunting.
- Afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili? I've added an extra ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Kashyyyk! Grown deep in the jungle primeval by a bunch of crazy Wookiees.
- Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary acklay, a bug with the head of a lizard and... apparently, the body of a lizard too.
- I mailed these bogus prize certificates to every scoundrel on the Outer Rim. When they show up for their free Firespray-Class Patrol Vessels, we arrest them and beat them to the full extent of the law.
- Well, if it isn't that stupid Stormtrooper from TV.
- Hold over, Mara Jade!! You have been proven guilty of having fallen to the Dark Side Of The Force!
- Sorry, but law dictates that this Bantha either gets a decent home or gets turned into food.
Wiggum, Ralph:
- Your father told me about Tatooinian cooking.
- My rancor's breath smells like Twi'lek.
- The trandoshans bent my wookiee.
- When I grow up, I'm going to graduate at Bantha University.
- When I grow up, I want to be a Grand Moff... or a caterpillar.
- That's where I saw the Ewok. He tells me to blow up planets.
- Hi, Grand Muffler Tarkin.
- I heard Jabba The Hutt went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
- You're Anakin Skywalker!! I like you because you kill Tusken Raiders.
- Mr. Stormtrooper, I can't sleep without my Reggie Womp-Rat!
Willie, Groundskeeper:
- It's impossible for me to handle a lightsaber. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingers. Look at 'em! I got them during the Clone Wars!
- Eh, you're lucky you're getting a decent burial. Me own father fell in a Sarlacc pit!!
- If elected Supreme Chancellor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of the Jedi and burn Alderaan to cinders!!
- You've mastered the Force, but can you handle its Dark Side?
- My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in their airspeeders. I dinna come forward because in the New Republic, it makes you look like a pervert -- but every single Corellian person does it!
- That colored chalk was forged by Darth Maul himself!
- I shall strike with what you cannot protect yourself against! With The Force!!
- Ach! Sarlacc-Sand!!
Wolfecastle, Rainier:
- Nice robes, Johnny, makes you look like a Jedi.
- Now, my Luke Skywalker impression: I'm a whiny, neurotic farmboy who likes to sleep with little girls.
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
-
Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8609
- Joined: 2002-07-04 10:57am
- Location: Denmark
- Contact:
Bart's blackboard punishments:
The Empire does not need a regime change
All work and no sex does not make Jaina Solo a dull girl
I cannot use The Force
Bacta is a cleanser
There is no such thing as a Gungan
Stormtroopers are not clones
The Empire does not need a regime change
All work and no sex does not make Jaina Solo a dull girl
I cannot use The Force
Bacta is a cleanser
There is no such thing as a Gungan
Stormtroopers are not clones
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
-
Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8609
- Joined: 2002-07-04 10:57am
- Location: Denmark
- Contact:
Various organizations' member affliations
The Stonecutters:
- Homer
- Lenny
- Carl
- Abe
- Master Yoda
- Grand Moff Tarkin
- Owen Lars
- Rath Sienar, designer of the TIE Fighter
- Darth Burns
- Waylon Smithers
- Sir Kyle Katarn
- Boba Fett
- Jabba the Hutt
- Bib Fortuna
- Dexter Jettster
- General Dodonna
- Imperial Admirals Giel and Piett
- Rebel Admiral Ackbar
- Sebulba
- Itchy (Chewbacca's father)
- Prince Xizor
- Executor Nom Anor
- General Lando Calrissian
- Figrin D'An
- Wedge Antilles
- Archduke Poggle the Lesser
- Prime Minister Lama Su
- King Boss Nass of Otoh Gunga
- Viceroy Nute Gunray
- C3PO and R2D2
- Obi Wan's ghost
- Han Solo
The Stonecutters Galaxy Council:
- Grand Admiral Thrawn
- Emperor Palpatine
- Darth Vader
- George Lucas
Bowling Teams at the Bowl-A-Rama:
- Aquatic Avengers: Admiral Ackbar, Prime Minister Lama Su, General Jar Jar Binks, a Quarren and an ARC Clonetrooper. (Lama Su's far too weak to even pick up the bowling balls, so he just gets some ARC Clonetrooper to shoot down the pins)
- The Jedi Rollers: Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker and Corran Horn.
- Imperial Navy Bigwigs: Grand Admiral Thrawn, Grand Moff Tarkin, Admiral Piett and Warlord Zsinj.
- Dark Side of the Bowling Alley: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Darth Tyrannus and some androgynous figure in black robes.
- Macho Imperial Women With Guns: Directress Ysanne Isard, Grand Moff Leonia Tavira, Admiral Daala and Mara Jade.
- Homer
- Lenny
- Carl
- Abe
- Master Yoda
- Grand Moff Tarkin
- Owen Lars
- Rath Sienar, designer of the TIE Fighter
- Darth Burns
- Waylon Smithers
- Sir Kyle Katarn
- Boba Fett
- Jabba the Hutt
- Bib Fortuna
- Dexter Jettster
- General Dodonna
- Imperial Admirals Giel and Piett
- Rebel Admiral Ackbar
- Sebulba
- Itchy (Chewbacca's father)
- Prince Xizor
- Executor Nom Anor
- General Lando Calrissian
- Figrin D'An
- Wedge Antilles
- Archduke Poggle the Lesser
- Prime Minister Lama Su
- King Boss Nass of Otoh Gunga
- Viceroy Nute Gunray
- C3PO and R2D2
- Obi Wan's ghost
- Han Solo
The Stonecutters Galaxy Council:
- Grand Admiral Thrawn
- Emperor Palpatine
- Darth Vader
- George Lucas
Bowling Teams at the Bowl-A-Rama:
- Aquatic Avengers: Admiral Ackbar, Prime Minister Lama Su, General Jar Jar Binks, a Quarren and an ARC Clonetrooper. (Lama Su's far too weak to even pick up the bowling balls, so he just gets some ARC Clonetrooper to shoot down the pins)
- The Jedi Rollers: Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker and Corran Horn.
- Imperial Navy Bigwigs: Grand Admiral Thrawn, Grand Moff Tarkin, Admiral Piett and Warlord Zsinj.
- Dark Side of the Bowling Alley: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Darth Tyrannus and some androgynous figure in black robes.
- Macho Imperial Women With Guns: Directress Ysanne Isard, Grand Moff Leonia Tavira, Admiral Daala and Mara Jade.
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
-
Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8609
- Joined: 2002-07-04 10:57am
- Location: Denmark
- Contact:
some dialogue
The slideshow revealing the guests of the burlesque house:
[slide of Han Solo]
LEIA: Han!
[slide or Luke Skywalker]
MARA JADE: Luke!
[slide of Grand Moff Tarkin]
THRAWN: Tarkin?
DAALA: Wilhuff!
[slide of Corran Horn]
MIRAX: [off-screen] Corran!
[slide of Uncle Owen]
BERU: Owen!
[slide of Lando Calrissian to which nobody reacts]
LOBOT: ...Oh, uh... [forced] Lando.
[slide of Boba Fett]
IMPERIAL OFFICER: Boba Fett?
FETT: The other bounty hunters insisted I gave it a try, sir.
[slide of Palpatine]
YSANNE ISARD: Palpy!
PALPATINE: Uh, well, that could be any Sith Lord.
DR. NICK: Now there are many options available for dangerously underweighted individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology. You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!
LAMA SU: [annoyed] First, you obviously don't know anything about Kaminoan anatomy. Secondly, certain features of my anatomy make me incapable of digesting most of the foods you recommended. Thirdly, the sheer amount of cholesterol in that diet would kill even a Hutt. Fourthly, the BMI chart you're currently pointing to is one designed for humans. Fifthly, further research has proven that BMI charts are useless. Sixthly, do you assume I'm a hypocondriac? Seventhly, while you're at it I'm very aware of my own skeleton and I'd like to keep it. Eightly, I actually came here to... [/annoyed]
DR. NICK: (interrupts Su) "Communion", eh? I've read the book and seen the movie - and both blew!!
LAMA SU: (sighs) Kaminoan, not Communion! (Author's note: Given that some early sketches of the Kaminoans bear a striking resemblance to "The Visitors", it's not unlikely that Whitley Strieber's book is the namesake of the Kaminoan species... so much for paranoid conspiracy theories involving Lucas' prejudices against Spaniards.)
MARGE: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. They're probably Bounty Hunters.
HOMER: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If I work for the Empire and they destroy a populated planet, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.
HOMER: Excuse me, do you sell sarlaccs?
PET SHOP OWNER: Uh, sure, pal. Right here.
HOMER: (reads tag) "Hentai tentacle demon." Hey! This is the wrong genre!
BART: Hey, how come Lisa gets a bantha?
HOMER: Because she stopped loving me.
BART: I don't love you either, so give me a landspeeder.
HOMER: Where's that red-eyed, raven-haired waitress of yours?
MOE: Oh, she left to pursue a career in Imperial Intelligence. Frankly, I think she was better off here.
BART: Oh boy! Free trading cards!
MILHOUSE: Wow! Yoda! Almost a millennium's servitude to the Galactic Republic!
NELSON: Whoa, Qui-Gon Jinn rookie card!
NED FLANDERS: Heh heh, well boys, who'd have thought learning about the Jedi could be fun?
BART: Jedi?
MILHOUSE: Learning?
NELSON: Let's get out of here!
KENT: Kent Brockman here, with "Campaign: Coruscant Flips A Coin". At an appearance this morning, Senator Palpatine made some rather cryptic remarks, which aides attributed to overly puffy sleeves.
(cut to Palpatine talking to voters)
PALPATINE: I am Palpatine. As emperor, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
MARGE: Hmm, that's Slick Palpy for you, always with the smooth talk.
HOMER: But I can't ask Daala, she's on the run from the New Republic!
ABE: Serves her right for being the most idiotic officer ever to walk a Star Destroyer's bridge! Though she was a demon in the sack!
HOMER: (landing in a Lambda-class shuttle, disembarking from his newly-bought SSD)
(LENNY & CARL make cat-calls while seeing the shuttle land)
HOMER: (emerges from the shuttle)
LENNY: Sorry, thought you were a hot, red-eyed dominatrix with two-coloured hair and Ubiqtorate membership.
CARL: Yeah, I haven't heard of many men holding supreme command over the Lusankya!
HOMER: Huh?
LENNY: See, instead of a Sith meditation chamber, it has a cabinet for putting on make-up... and red-eye contact lenses!
HOMER: Aw, crap, it's Ysanne Isard's ship! I can't drive this!
LENNY: Of course you can, "Iceheart"!
(at the Pharm Team, now ran by the Kaminoans)
MARGE: I don't want to pump my little boy full of drugs.
LAMA SU: We get a lot of such comments.
TAUN WE: But then they see our results. (shows the Simpsons some Clonetroopers standing in a room in a quite disorderly way)
LAMA SU: These are normal Clones. Now I'll give them some Focusyn.
(spritzes some of the drug on them. They become even more docile, and march up into an adjoining locale where they line up like the German soldiers in Triumph des Willens)
MARGE: That's amazing -- and darling.
TAUN WE: Check this out. (Waves a flag with the Imperial Emblem on it. The eyes of the drugged Clonetrooper formation follow its every move)
HOMER: They've become your slaves.
TAUN WE: Yes, but it's not about slavery, it's about maximizing the combat performance of tomorrow's clone armies. This pill reduces individuality 44%.
LAMA SU: With 60% less eccentricity. Magnificent, aren't they?
TAUN WE: The only thing more effective is eugenics. A brave new world, isn't it?
LOVEJOY: My friends, life is about change. Just months ago, Luke Skywalker was a lonely bachelor.
LUKE: [sarcastic] Yes, thank The Force those days are over. [/sarcastic]
LOVEJOY: And the Solos were enjoying a storybook marriage.
HAN: Yeah, lots of storybooks have witches.
LEIA: Shut up, Han!
HAN: Sorry.
HOMER: Oh, wake up, Ned. You think Maude isn't dating in the Flow-of-the-Force?
NED: You think she would?
HOMER: How could she not? The place is full of eligible bachelors. Kendal Ozzel, Lorth Needa, Prince Xizor...
NED: [chuckles] Prince Xizor is a Falleen.
BURNS: Grand Moff Tarkin!
TARKIN: How do you remember my name?
BURNS: Nobody can forget a man with such a charismatic name! Keep up the good work, Tarky! (leaves the room)
TARKIN: [bemused] "Tarky"? [/bemused]
HOMER: This Valentine's crap has gone too far!
CROWD: Yeah!
TARKIN: Eh, Sheila won't even sleep with me if I promote her to Grand Admiral! (author's note: Since we don't know what Adm. Daala's first name is, I assume it to be Sheila)
HAN SOLO: My Leia will no longer pleasure me with the Corellian arts!
LANDO: The gal I'm stalking called a bunch of Stormtroopers to arrest me!
CROWD: Aw, Lando. That's too far.
HOMER: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
HIBBERT: Well, I guess we are.
PALPATINE: Well, I do take all my concubines for granted...
LENNY: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
HOMER: Will you stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
HOMER: This is the hottest Boonta Eve ever...
BART: Yeah, even Gasgano is suffering.
BART: Rejoice! Palpatine the Terrible is dead!
HIBBERT: But Palpatine was our best Emperor ever!
CARL: In our eyes, he was Palpatine the Friendly!
RALPH: (having mistaken Obi-Wan for Santa Claus) And I want a speederbike, and a Bantha, a friend for the Bantha...
OBI-WAN: You're not going to succumb to the Dark Side Of The Force??
RALPH: At my house, we call it "The Uh-Oh Side".
SKINNER: I hope you all enjoy your ride to and tour of the Coruscant Shopper newspaper. Groundskeeper Willie and I will stay behind to remove all mentions of The Clone Wars from the school textbooks.
WILLIE: Next stop, The Outlander Club! [notices the students] Oh, they're still here.
(aboard a refugee-carrying starship)
HOMER: All that counts is that we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats. Ooh, there's Nute Gunray, Leonia Tavira and Borsk Fey'lya.
BART: Wait a minute, they're not so great.
HOMER: Okay but there's Warlord Zsinj, Qwi Xux, (increasing panic), Admiral Daala, Dr. Evazan... AAARGH! CORRAN HORN! What the hell's going on?
BART: (looking out porthole) Wait! Only that ship's going to Naboo. Ours is headed for the Yuuzhan Vong home galaxy.
CORRAN: Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I might be occassionally annoying but at least I'm a hero of the New Republic.
HOMER: So we're going to spend eternity with some of the most annoying people in the universe?
CORRAN: 'Fraid so, but, hey, if we join them we can get some good tattoos!
HOMER: Yuuzhan'tar?? That's the deadest place on Coruscant!
JAR-JAR: Meesa used to live under the sea!
CORRAN: Jar-Jar Binks? Wow! Hey, we should do a show together, man. That's a sure cure for the blues!
ISARD: Turn those frowns around! For example, the Vong are so cruel and heartless that I look like a paragon of virtue in comparison!
HOMER: AAAAAAAAAARGH!! YSANNE ISARD!!! Phew - At least there's only 5 minutes until our arrival.
PALPATINE: Senator Skinner, I thought galaxy-spanning nations were required to have huge armies.
SKINNER: Technically yes, Chancellor, but the costs of creating such an army would be astronomical.
LAMA SU: (appears from behind a tree) Did I hear the word "astronomical"? If so - then my biotech outfit "Kamino Brothers Clone Armies, Eugenics And Random Abductions" is poised to help.
SKINNER: No, no, no, no. We're not cloning anyone.
LAMA SU: How can you say that when creation of the clonetroopers has already begun?
RALPH: Hello, I'm Dr. Evazan. I have the death sentence on several worlds. (shoots a dummy with a heavy blaster pistol) Oops, you're dead.
BURNS: I never liked that Dr. Evazan.
HOMER: I've got groceries.
LISA: (takes a look at the groceries) Kashyyykian Wroshyr-Tree Soda? A thermal detonator filled with candy? Palpatine-Brand Peanut Butter? "Stormtrooper Bread"?
HOMER: The bread of Stormtroopers!
HOMER: Rebel Alliance veteran.
GATEKEEPER: Do you have a military ID?
HOMER: ID? Damn, the Imps didn't ask for ID when I fought at Hoth and Endor. I saw my best friend's head explode at Echo Base!
HOMER: Okay, Corran Horn, your love quiz score is ... 61. That makes you a, "Frigid Frieda." I took off 30 points because you didn't even bother to smooch Ysanne Isard while you had the opportunity.
CORRAN: Well, it was a little insensitive of you giving me a sex test, seeing as my wife has been kidnapped.
(at the MTV's annual Jabba's Palace Concert)
SEPULVEDA: Whoo! Sepulveda here, doing the veejay thing for the most out-of-control Boonta Eve ever. And since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard! (Jabba pulls her collar) Ah! No! Not yet! I'm only twenty-five.
[a pair of burly Gamorreans throw her down into the Rancor Pit, and Mara Jade runs to the mike]
MARA JADE: What up, chew-toys! Arica here, tightening the hose clamps for you bad girls. We got Max Rebo coming up for all you disco monkeys.
HOMER: Now lady, I'm buying a bantha for my little girl, and I don't care what it costs.
TUSKEN RAIDER: Very good. That stunning creature over there is worth half a million Republic Credits.
HOMER: Half a million credits?
TUSKEN RAIDER: He was sired by Mos Eisley Slew, and his mother won the Jundland Wastes Derby.
HOMER: Wow.
TUSKEN RAIDER: His likeness graces a stamp on Sullust.
HOMER: Our favorite show was "Coruscant Hogwash", but we also loved "The Rogue Squadron"...
MARGE: ... "The Fett Family", "BDZ'ing it Down"...
LISA: ... "Grand Moff Lobo"...
BART: ..."Starship Improvement"...
HOMER: ... but we never saw people like us on Holo-Net.
YSANNE ISARD: Even Bart was throwing dough around. He paid me and Mara Jade a thousand Imperial Credits to kiss each other.
MARA JADE: Hey, did we even do that?
(author's note: Why are you staring bug-eyed at me?? This is SD.Net, so you should only be surprised if Mara Jade and Ysanne Isard are going totally Trinity-On-Poppins
)
BART: Well, it all started last week on Carida.
(dissolve to a military academy. Bart stands alone, at a couple of animal cages in the back of the room)
[voice-over] I was trying to breed the Womp-Rat with the lizard to create an unholy supercreature, when I saw an even worse crime against nature.[/voice-over]
(Grand Moff Tarkin and Admiral Daala enter the room, kissing. Bart hides in a closet)
TARKIN: Ah, brainwashing day. While the enlisted men have their blind loyalty refreshed, we can...
DAALA: (interrupts Tarkin) Oh, you talk too much. Let's do it on TK-1138's desk.
TARKIN: It is usually the cleanest. (brushes a scale-model Skyhopper off the desk)
BART: [voice-over] I needed to get my mind on something else -- anything else. And for the first time in my life, education was the answer.[/voice-over] (notices a chart of the galaxy on the wall)
Deep Core... Core Worlds... Colonies... Expansion Region ...
TARKIN: [off-screen] C'mon, Sheila, don't be so tardy. [/off-screen]
BART: Inner Rim... Mid Rim... Outer Rim... Wild Space...
BART: Let's go to the Mon Calamari Shipyards. They're making a star cruiser with an interior like that of a '50s diner.
LISA: No, let's go to the Nature Company. They've got one designed by Tusken Raiders.
MARGE: We can't afford to buy a starship from a shipyard that has a philosophy. So we gotta hit the Kuat Drive Yards this time.
HOMER: That Jango Fett is the greatest Mandalorian I've met. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
MARGE: Hmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.
HOMER: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there.
MARGE: Homer, didn't it seem strange that he has a clone son but not a clone wife?
HOMER: He's a Bounty Hunter. I don't think he's got time for marriage... It's also possible that...
MARGE: [insisting] He prefers the company of men! [/insisting]
HOMER: Who doesn't?
MARGE: Homer, listen carefully. Jango Fett is a homosexual.
HOMER: Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
HOMER: But what would turn Bart into a man fast? You have to think for me!
MOE: Well, let's see now, uh, time was you'd draft him into the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps. Shooting a Rebel'd fix 'em right up. But now the Stormies are clones all the bunch, thank you very much, Thrawn!
BARNEY: Hey, better yet, Bart could slay a Krayt Dragon singlehandedly! That's a Tusken Raider rite of manhood.
MOE: Hey, he's right, Homer. After the boy bags a dragon, all the diet sodas in the galaxy won't turn him back.
(later, at home)
LISA: But Dad, it's barbaric. How does killing a Krayt Dragon make you more of a man?
Homer: It just does. Name me one tranvestite Tusken Raider.
HOMER: Either you honor my wife's coupon for two hair streaks, or a lot more lids will be unscrewed.
HAIRDRESSER: I cannot streak that much hair. Think of the costs - I'd be ruined. Oh, what's the matter. The real reason I'm denying you this is Ysanne Isard. She's going to freak out when she finds out that somebody has a dyejob resembling hers. (Author's note: In case you think I'm giving Ms. Isard way too much attention, be happy that the hairdresser didn't mention her various plastic surgeries.)
(in Sunday School)
BART: Are there Sith Lords in hell?
MS. ALBRIGHT: Yes. Thousands of them.
HOMER: What are you doing? A lightsabre is to a Sith Lord what a TIE-Fighter is to its pilot! What a Bantha is to a Tusken Raider! What a Shai-Hulud is to a Fremen.... oops, wrong sci-fi setting. (pause) Now c'mon! Give your lightsabre a name.
BART: What?
HOMER: C'mon, give it a name.
BART: Mister Slicer.
HOMER: D'oh... You wanna try a little harder son? C'mon give it a girl's name.
BART: Mon Mothma.
HOMER: Your putter's name is Leonia!
BART: Why?
HOMER: It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy, Luke Skywalker. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes staring at it. And concentrating on how much you hate him, and how glorious it will be when you and Leonia, swathed in unholy darksome energy of the Dark Side, annihilate him!
BART: Who's Leonia?
HOMER: (raises the lightsabre, about to wallop Bart with it) I'll show you who Leonia is! Now start hating!
COMIC BOOKSTORE GUY: Question: Is your name Bevel Lemelisk or Qwi Xux, or do you happen to be a Geonosian?
HOMER: No, it's Homer, and I'm not a Geonosian.
COMIC BOOKSTORE GUY: Well then, I would thank you to stop peering at my blueprints, Homer. And if I see a spherical starship whose main superlaser can blow up a planet in one shot, I will know that you stole my idea.
HOMER: While I'm gone, keep an eye on that weird-looking farmboy down there.
MARGE: Luke Skywalker?
HOMER: Yeah... [sotto voce] "Luke." [/sotto voce]
BART: Whoa, a lightsabre-cane!
RAINIER WOLFECASTLE: Everything here is lightsabre! Lightsabre-pineapple, lightsabre-lightsabre-sharpener, lightsabre-dumbbell, lightsabre-canopener, and so on.
TERRI: I'm so hungry I could eat at Dex' Diner!
LISA: Oh, by the Force!
NELSON: That is hungry.
BURNS: Welcome to the meeting of the Imperial Senate. First up is Dr. Hibbert with a progress report on our attempt to rename everyone and everything after Tarkin.
HIBBERT: KFC is now Tarkin's Fried Chicken and has Tarkin as its mascot instead of Colonel Sanders, Admiral Sheila Daala is now Admiral Sheila Tarkin due to her one-night stand with the Grand Moff in question, Tesla Coils are called Tarkin Coils and...
COUNT DRACULA: My good friend, Frankenstein's Monster is now called... Tarkin's Monster! BLEURGH! (Author's note: Well, Peter Cushing is Peter Cushing...)
BURNS: Excellent!
BART: Pop quiz, hotshot. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me upstairs reading a "Penthutt". What do you do?
SHERRY BOBBINS: I make you read every article in that magazine, including Tarkin's latest clap-trap about his waning libido.
(in the Jedi Temple)
NED: And of course, I resist all the major urges.
MEL: All of them?
MARGE: You mean you've never splurged and say, eaten an entire birthday cake and blamed it on the bantha?
JAINA SOLO: You've never licked wroshyyr-tree syrup off your lover's stomach?
(Leia glares at Jagged Fel)
BART: [halfway out the window] You've never snuck out of the Jedi Temple to break into airspeeders?
NED: No, no, and double no! I haven't done any of those things, folks. You name it, I haven't done it!
HOMER: Geez, Flanders, you're sixty years old and you haven't lived a day in your life!
BOBA FETT: (in full Mandalorian armour) Yeah, even the Kaminoans had a deck of cards.
BART: Pssst. Grampa, I think Grand Admiral Thrawn's a little nuts.
ABRAHAM: Oh yeah? Well, Grand Moff Tarkin was a little nuts. And Mr. Thrawn is completely out of his mind! We can't fail!!
[slide of Han Solo]
LEIA: Han!
[slide or Luke Skywalker]
MARA JADE: Luke!
[slide of Grand Moff Tarkin]
THRAWN: Tarkin?
DAALA: Wilhuff!
[slide of Corran Horn]
MIRAX: [off-screen] Corran!
[slide of Uncle Owen]
BERU: Owen!
[slide of Lando Calrissian to which nobody reacts]
LOBOT: ...Oh, uh... [forced] Lando.
[slide of Boba Fett]
IMPERIAL OFFICER: Boba Fett?
FETT: The other bounty hunters insisted I gave it a try, sir.
[slide of Palpatine]
YSANNE ISARD: Palpy!
PALPATINE: Uh, well, that could be any Sith Lord.
DR. NICK: Now there are many options available for dangerously underweighted individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology. You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!
LAMA SU: [annoyed] First, you obviously don't know anything about Kaminoan anatomy. Secondly, certain features of my anatomy make me incapable of digesting most of the foods you recommended. Thirdly, the sheer amount of cholesterol in that diet would kill even a Hutt. Fourthly, the BMI chart you're currently pointing to is one designed for humans. Fifthly, further research has proven that BMI charts are useless. Sixthly, do you assume I'm a hypocondriac? Seventhly, while you're at it I'm very aware of my own skeleton and I'd like to keep it. Eightly, I actually came here to... [/annoyed]
DR. NICK: (interrupts Su) "Communion", eh? I've read the book and seen the movie - and both blew!!
LAMA SU: (sighs) Kaminoan, not Communion! (Author's note: Given that some early sketches of the Kaminoans bear a striking resemblance to "The Visitors", it's not unlikely that Whitley Strieber's book is the namesake of the Kaminoan species... so much for paranoid conspiracy theories involving Lucas' prejudices against Spaniards.)
MARGE: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. They're probably Bounty Hunters.
HOMER: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If I work for the Empire and they destroy a populated planet, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.
HOMER: Excuse me, do you sell sarlaccs?
PET SHOP OWNER: Uh, sure, pal. Right here.
HOMER: (reads tag) "Hentai tentacle demon." Hey! This is the wrong genre!
BART: Hey, how come Lisa gets a bantha?
HOMER: Because she stopped loving me.
BART: I don't love you either, so give me a landspeeder.
HOMER: Where's that red-eyed, raven-haired waitress of yours?
MOE: Oh, she left to pursue a career in Imperial Intelligence. Frankly, I think she was better off here.
BART: Oh boy! Free trading cards!
MILHOUSE: Wow! Yoda! Almost a millennium's servitude to the Galactic Republic!
NELSON: Whoa, Qui-Gon Jinn rookie card!
NED FLANDERS: Heh heh, well boys, who'd have thought learning about the Jedi could be fun?
BART: Jedi?
MILHOUSE: Learning?
NELSON: Let's get out of here!
KENT: Kent Brockman here, with "Campaign: Coruscant Flips A Coin". At an appearance this morning, Senator Palpatine made some rather cryptic remarks, which aides attributed to overly puffy sleeves.
(cut to Palpatine talking to voters)
PALPATINE: I am Palpatine. As emperor, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
MARGE: Hmm, that's Slick Palpy for you, always with the smooth talk.
HOMER: But I can't ask Daala, she's on the run from the New Republic!
ABE: Serves her right for being the most idiotic officer ever to walk a Star Destroyer's bridge! Though she was a demon in the sack!
HOMER: (landing in a Lambda-class shuttle, disembarking from his newly-bought SSD)
(LENNY & CARL make cat-calls while seeing the shuttle land)
HOMER: (emerges from the shuttle)
LENNY: Sorry, thought you were a hot, red-eyed dominatrix with two-coloured hair and Ubiqtorate membership.
CARL: Yeah, I haven't heard of many men holding supreme command over the Lusankya!
HOMER: Huh?
LENNY: See, instead of a Sith meditation chamber, it has a cabinet for putting on make-up... and red-eye contact lenses!
HOMER: Aw, crap, it's Ysanne Isard's ship! I can't drive this!
LENNY: Of course you can, "Iceheart"!
(at the Pharm Team, now ran by the Kaminoans)
MARGE: I don't want to pump my little boy full of drugs.
LAMA SU: We get a lot of such comments.
TAUN WE: But then they see our results. (shows the Simpsons some Clonetroopers standing in a room in a quite disorderly way)
LAMA SU: These are normal Clones. Now I'll give them some Focusyn.
(spritzes some of the drug on them. They become even more docile, and march up into an adjoining locale where they line up like the German soldiers in Triumph des Willens)
MARGE: That's amazing -- and darling.
TAUN WE: Check this out. (Waves a flag with the Imperial Emblem on it. The eyes of the drugged Clonetrooper formation follow its every move)
HOMER: They've become your slaves.
TAUN WE: Yes, but it's not about slavery, it's about maximizing the combat performance of tomorrow's clone armies. This pill reduces individuality 44%.
LAMA SU: With 60% less eccentricity. Magnificent, aren't they?
TAUN WE: The only thing more effective is eugenics. A brave new world, isn't it?
LOVEJOY: My friends, life is about change. Just months ago, Luke Skywalker was a lonely bachelor.
LUKE: [sarcastic] Yes, thank The Force those days are over. [/sarcastic]
LOVEJOY: And the Solos were enjoying a storybook marriage.
HAN: Yeah, lots of storybooks have witches.
LEIA: Shut up, Han!
HAN: Sorry.
HOMER: Oh, wake up, Ned. You think Maude isn't dating in the Flow-of-the-Force?
NED: You think she would?
HOMER: How could she not? The place is full of eligible bachelors. Kendal Ozzel, Lorth Needa, Prince Xizor...
NED: [chuckles] Prince Xizor is a Falleen.
BURNS: Grand Moff Tarkin!
TARKIN: How do you remember my name?
BURNS: Nobody can forget a man with such a charismatic name! Keep up the good work, Tarky! (leaves the room)
TARKIN: [bemused] "Tarky"? [/bemused]
HOMER: This Valentine's crap has gone too far!
CROWD: Yeah!
TARKIN: Eh, Sheila won't even sleep with me if I promote her to Grand Admiral! (author's note: Since we don't know what Adm. Daala's first name is, I assume it to be Sheila)
HAN SOLO: My Leia will no longer pleasure me with the Corellian arts!
LANDO: The gal I'm stalking called a bunch of Stormtroopers to arrest me!
CROWD: Aw, Lando. That's too far.
HOMER: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
HIBBERT: Well, I guess we are.
PALPATINE: Well, I do take all my concubines for granted...
LENNY: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
HOMER: Will you stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
HOMER: This is the hottest Boonta Eve ever...
BART: Yeah, even Gasgano is suffering.
BART: Rejoice! Palpatine the Terrible is dead!
HIBBERT: But Palpatine was our best Emperor ever!
CARL: In our eyes, he was Palpatine the Friendly!
RALPH: (having mistaken Obi-Wan for Santa Claus) And I want a speederbike, and a Bantha, a friend for the Bantha...
OBI-WAN: You're not going to succumb to the Dark Side Of The Force??
RALPH: At my house, we call it "The Uh-Oh Side".
SKINNER: I hope you all enjoy your ride to and tour of the Coruscant Shopper newspaper. Groundskeeper Willie and I will stay behind to remove all mentions of The Clone Wars from the school textbooks.
WILLIE: Next stop, The Outlander Club! [notices the students] Oh, they're still here.
(aboard a refugee-carrying starship)
HOMER: All that counts is that we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats. Ooh, there's Nute Gunray, Leonia Tavira and Borsk Fey'lya.
BART: Wait a minute, they're not so great.
HOMER: Okay but there's Warlord Zsinj, Qwi Xux, (increasing panic), Admiral Daala, Dr. Evazan... AAARGH! CORRAN HORN! What the hell's going on?
BART: (looking out porthole) Wait! Only that ship's going to Naboo. Ours is headed for the Yuuzhan Vong home galaxy.
CORRAN: Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I might be occassionally annoying but at least I'm a hero of the New Republic.
HOMER: So we're going to spend eternity with some of the most annoying people in the universe?
CORRAN: 'Fraid so, but, hey, if we join them we can get some good tattoos!
HOMER: Yuuzhan'tar?? That's the deadest place on Coruscant!
JAR-JAR: Meesa used to live under the sea!
CORRAN: Jar-Jar Binks? Wow! Hey, we should do a show together, man. That's a sure cure for the blues!
ISARD: Turn those frowns around! For example, the Vong are so cruel and heartless that I look like a paragon of virtue in comparison!
HOMER: AAAAAAAAAARGH!! YSANNE ISARD!!! Phew - At least there's only 5 minutes until our arrival.
PALPATINE: Senator Skinner, I thought galaxy-spanning nations were required to have huge armies.
SKINNER: Technically yes, Chancellor, but the costs of creating such an army would be astronomical.
LAMA SU: (appears from behind a tree) Did I hear the word "astronomical"? If so - then my biotech outfit "Kamino Brothers Clone Armies, Eugenics And Random Abductions" is poised to help.
SKINNER: No, no, no, no. We're not cloning anyone.
LAMA SU: How can you say that when creation of the clonetroopers has already begun?
RALPH: Hello, I'm Dr. Evazan. I have the death sentence on several worlds. (shoots a dummy with a heavy blaster pistol) Oops, you're dead.
BURNS: I never liked that Dr. Evazan.
HOMER: I've got groceries.
LISA: (takes a look at the groceries) Kashyyykian Wroshyr-Tree Soda? A thermal detonator filled with candy? Palpatine-Brand Peanut Butter? "Stormtrooper Bread"?
HOMER: The bread of Stormtroopers!
HOMER: Rebel Alliance veteran.
GATEKEEPER: Do you have a military ID?
HOMER: ID? Damn, the Imps didn't ask for ID when I fought at Hoth and Endor. I saw my best friend's head explode at Echo Base!
HOMER: Okay, Corran Horn, your love quiz score is ... 61. That makes you a, "Frigid Frieda." I took off 30 points because you didn't even bother to smooch Ysanne Isard while you had the opportunity.
CORRAN: Well, it was a little insensitive of you giving me a sex test, seeing as my wife has been kidnapped.
(at the MTV's annual Jabba's Palace Concert)
SEPULVEDA: Whoo! Sepulveda here, doing the veejay thing for the most out-of-control Boonta Eve ever. And since it's my birthday, we'll party extra hard! (Jabba pulls her collar) Ah! No! Not yet! I'm only twenty-five.
[a pair of burly Gamorreans throw her down into the Rancor Pit, and Mara Jade runs to the mike]
MARA JADE: What up, chew-toys! Arica here, tightening the hose clamps for you bad girls. We got Max Rebo coming up for all you disco monkeys.
HOMER: Now lady, I'm buying a bantha for my little girl, and I don't care what it costs.
TUSKEN RAIDER: Very good. That stunning creature over there is worth half a million Republic Credits.
HOMER: Half a million credits?
TUSKEN RAIDER: He was sired by Mos Eisley Slew, and his mother won the Jundland Wastes Derby.
HOMER: Wow.
TUSKEN RAIDER: His likeness graces a stamp on Sullust.
HOMER: Our favorite show was "Coruscant Hogwash", but we also loved "The Rogue Squadron"...
MARGE: ... "The Fett Family", "BDZ'ing it Down"...
LISA: ... "Grand Moff Lobo"...
BART: ..."Starship Improvement"...
HOMER: ... but we never saw people like us on Holo-Net.
YSANNE ISARD: Even Bart was throwing dough around. He paid me and Mara Jade a thousand Imperial Credits to kiss each other.
MARA JADE: Hey, did we even do that?
(author's note: Why are you staring bug-eyed at me?? This is SD.Net, so you should only be surprised if Mara Jade and Ysanne Isard are going totally Trinity-On-Poppins
)BART: Well, it all started last week on Carida.
(dissolve to a military academy. Bart stands alone, at a couple of animal cages in the back of the room)
[voice-over] I was trying to breed the Womp-Rat with the lizard to create an unholy supercreature, when I saw an even worse crime against nature.[/voice-over]
(Grand Moff Tarkin and Admiral Daala enter the room, kissing. Bart hides in a closet)
TARKIN: Ah, brainwashing day. While the enlisted men have their blind loyalty refreshed, we can...
DAALA: (interrupts Tarkin) Oh, you talk too much. Let's do it on TK-1138's desk.
TARKIN: It is usually the cleanest. (brushes a scale-model Skyhopper off the desk)
BART: [voice-over] I needed to get my mind on something else -- anything else. And for the first time in my life, education was the answer.[/voice-over] (notices a chart of the galaxy on the wall)
Deep Core... Core Worlds... Colonies... Expansion Region ...
TARKIN: [off-screen] C'mon, Sheila, don't be so tardy. [/off-screen]
BART: Inner Rim... Mid Rim... Outer Rim... Wild Space...
BART: Let's go to the Mon Calamari Shipyards. They're making a star cruiser with an interior like that of a '50s diner.
LISA: No, let's go to the Nature Company. They've got one designed by Tusken Raiders.
MARGE: We can't afford to buy a starship from a shipyard that has a philosophy. So we gotta hit the Kuat Drive Yards this time.
HOMER: That Jango Fett is the greatest Mandalorian I've met. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
MARGE: Hmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.
HOMER: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there.
MARGE: Homer, didn't it seem strange that he has a clone son but not a clone wife?
HOMER: He's a Bounty Hunter. I don't think he's got time for marriage... It's also possible that...
MARGE: [insisting] He prefers the company of men! [/insisting]
HOMER: Who doesn't?
MARGE: Homer, listen carefully. Jango Fett is a homosexual.
HOMER: Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
HOMER: But what would turn Bart into a man fast? You have to think for me!
MOE: Well, let's see now, uh, time was you'd draft him into the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps. Shooting a Rebel'd fix 'em right up. But now the Stormies are clones all the bunch, thank you very much, Thrawn!
BARNEY: Hey, better yet, Bart could slay a Krayt Dragon singlehandedly! That's a Tusken Raider rite of manhood.
MOE: Hey, he's right, Homer. After the boy bags a dragon, all the diet sodas in the galaxy won't turn him back.
(later, at home)
LISA: But Dad, it's barbaric. How does killing a Krayt Dragon make you more of a man?
Homer: It just does. Name me one tranvestite Tusken Raider.
HOMER: Either you honor my wife's coupon for two hair streaks, or a lot more lids will be unscrewed.
HAIRDRESSER: I cannot streak that much hair. Think of the costs - I'd be ruined. Oh, what's the matter. The real reason I'm denying you this is Ysanne Isard. She's going to freak out when she finds out that somebody has a dyejob resembling hers. (Author's note: In case you think I'm giving Ms. Isard way too much attention, be happy that the hairdresser didn't mention her various plastic surgeries.)
(in Sunday School)
BART: Are there Sith Lords in hell?
MS. ALBRIGHT: Yes. Thousands of them.
HOMER: What are you doing? A lightsabre is to a Sith Lord what a TIE-Fighter is to its pilot! What a Bantha is to a Tusken Raider! What a Shai-Hulud is to a Fremen.... oops, wrong sci-fi setting. (pause) Now c'mon! Give your lightsabre a name.
BART: What?
HOMER: C'mon, give it a name.
BART: Mister Slicer.
HOMER: D'oh... You wanna try a little harder son? C'mon give it a girl's name.
BART: Mon Mothma.
HOMER: Your putter's name is Leonia!
BART: Why?
HOMER: It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy, Luke Skywalker. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes staring at it. And concentrating on how much you hate him, and how glorious it will be when you and Leonia, swathed in unholy darksome energy of the Dark Side, annihilate him!
BART: Who's Leonia?
HOMER: (raises the lightsabre, about to wallop Bart with it) I'll show you who Leonia is! Now start hating!
COMIC BOOKSTORE GUY: Question: Is your name Bevel Lemelisk or Qwi Xux, or do you happen to be a Geonosian?
HOMER: No, it's Homer, and I'm not a Geonosian.
COMIC BOOKSTORE GUY: Well then, I would thank you to stop peering at my blueprints, Homer. And if I see a spherical starship whose main superlaser can blow up a planet in one shot, I will know that you stole my idea.
HOMER: While I'm gone, keep an eye on that weird-looking farmboy down there.
MARGE: Luke Skywalker?
HOMER: Yeah... [sotto voce] "Luke." [/sotto voce]
BART: Whoa, a lightsabre-cane!
RAINIER WOLFECASTLE: Everything here is lightsabre! Lightsabre-pineapple, lightsabre-lightsabre-sharpener, lightsabre-dumbbell, lightsabre-canopener, and so on.
TERRI: I'm so hungry I could eat at Dex' Diner!
LISA: Oh, by the Force!
NELSON: That is hungry.
BURNS: Welcome to the meeting of the Imperial Senate. First up is Dr. Hibbert with a progress report on our attempt to rename everyone and everything after Tarkin.
HIBBERT: KFC is now Tarkin's Fried Chicken and has Tarkin as its mascot instead of Colonel Sanders, Admiral Sheila Daala is now Admiral Sheila Tarkin due to her one-night stand with the Grand Moff in question, Tesla Coils are called Tarkin Coils and...
COUNT DRACULA: My good friend, Frankenstein's Monster is now called... Tarkin's Monster! BLEURGH! (Author's note: Well, Peter Cushing is Peter Cushing...)
BURNS: Excellent!
BART: Pop quiz, hotshot. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me upstairs reading a "Penthutt". What do you do?
SHERRY BOBBINS: I make you read every article in that magazine, including Tarkin's latest clap-trap about his waning libido.
(in the Jedi Temple)
NED: And of course, I resist all the major urges.
MEL: All of them?
MARGE: You mean you've never splurged and say, eaten an entire birthday cake and blamed it on the bantha?
JAINA SOLO: You've never licked wroshyyr-tree syrup off your lover's stomach?
(Leia glares at Jagged Fel)
BART: [halfway out the window] You've never snuck out of the Jedi Temple to break into airspeeders?
NED: No, no, and double no! I haven't done any of those things, folks. You name it, I haven't done it!
HOMER: Geez, Flanders, you're sixty years old and you haven't lived a day in your life!
BOBA FETT: (in full Mandalorian armour) Yeah, even the Kaminoans had a deck of cards.
BART: Pssst. Grampa, I think Grand Admiral Thrawn's a little nuts.
ABRAHAM: Oh yeah? Well, Grand Moff Tarkin was a little nuts. And Mr. Thrawn is completely out of his mind! We can't fail!!
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
-
Peregrin Toker
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 8609
- Joined: 2002-07-04 10:57am
- Location: Denmark
- Contact:
Here's the song lyrics...
SONG LYRICS
"Those Were The Days"
Disco songs Max Rebo played,
starships Kuat Drive Yards made,
Guessing how much Jabba weighed
Those were the days!
And we know where Luke were, then
In a hut with Jedi Ben,
Mister, we could use a man like Biggs Darklighter again!
Not "Jedi Rocks" but "Lapti Nek"
coming out of my eight-track
Ysanne Isard's hair was black,
THOSE WERE THE DAYS!
"Executor" (to the tune of "Canyonero")
Can you name the ship of Darth Vader,
Big battleship with a name ominous?
EXECUTOR! EXECUTOR!
Well, it goes really slow in hyperdrive,
It's the dagger-shaped hulk made by KDY!
EXECUTOR! EXECUTOR! Executor....
Eleven miles long, really damn wide,
A sinister icon of Imperial might!
EXECUTOR! EXECUTOR!
Top of the line in command battleships,
survives dormancy 'neath Coruscant bricks!
EXECUTOR! EXECUTOR!
She melts everybody with turbolaser beams,
she's a Rebel-smashing, BDZ'ing battle machine!
EXECUTOR! EXECUTOR! Yeah! Ahh, Executor! Whoa, Executor!
"Love-Matic Grand Moff" (to the tune of "Love-Matic Grandpa")
While commanding the Death Star,
An old man passed away.
He entered the Force's Flow,
But got lost along the way.
Now he's the love-matic Grand Moff.
The wise Tarkinic Grand Moff.
He'll fill our hearts with looooooove.
"Yuuzhan Vong Variety Hour" (to the tune of the "I Want Candy" section of "Simpsons Family Smile Time Variety")
MARGE: Inflations, the Ssi-Ruu, horrible war atrocities... how are we supposed to do our big musical number with so many problems in the galaxy?
HOMER: Well, I know one thing that's still pure and good.
MARGE: The Force?
HOMER: No. The Yuuzhan Vong! [evil]MWUA-HA-HA-HA-Ha-HA!![/evil]
[the orchestra strikes up the "I Want Candy" tune]
HOMER: (singing) Hail Yun-Yammka!
MARGE: But don't you want to help the Jedi?
BART: Hail Yun-Yammka!!
MARGE: Or save the endangered Calamarian salmon?
"LISA": Hail Yun-Yammka!
MARGE: Well if you won't think of society's ills ...
H + B + L: HAIL YUN-YAMMKA!
MARGE: At least, think of our unemployed mechanics.
"LISA": We've got a new dance, and it goes like this! And the name of the dance is the Yuuzhan'tar Twist! Yeah!
(camera cuts to an over-tattoeed, disfigured and barely recognizable Jasper, wearing Vonduun crab armour)
JASPER: (singing to the tune of "Lollipop") Yuuzhan Vong, Yuuzhan Vong, oh, Yuuzhan-Yuuzhan Vong, Yuuzhan Vong! (gets hit by a falling X-Wing)
(camera cuts to an over-tattooed, disfigured and barely recognizable Smithers, wearing Vonduun Crab armour and wielding an amphistaff)
SMITHERS: Crack that whip! Amphistaff whip! I said whip it! Amphistaff!
(camera cut)
THE SIMPSONS FAMILY: (singing to the tune of "I want Candy" again) Kill the Jedi! Kill the Jedi! DO'ORIK YUUZHAN VONG PRATTE! RRRRAAAGH! [Death Metal] KILL MAIM BURN!!! KILL MAIM BURN! [/Death Metal]
"Amendment-To-Be, Palpatine Version" (to the tune of "Amendment-To-Be")
BOY: Hey, who left this garbage at the Galactic Senate on Coruscant?
AMENDMENT: I'm not garbage.
I'm an amendment to be,
suggested by Palpatine,
and supported by that old man Tarkin.
There's a lot of Force-users who have got too much freedom.
I wanna make it legal for Stormtroopers to beat'em
'cause there's limits to our liberty
at least I hope and pray that there are
'cause those Jedi freaks go to far!
BOY: Why can't we just make the law against the Jedi?
AMENDMENT: Because that law... would be unconstitutional! But if we change the method of government...
BOY: ...then Palpatine can use his absolute power to make all sorts of crazy laws!
AMENDMENT: Now you're catching on!
BOY: What if people don't say you're good enough to be in the Galactic Republic's constitution?
AMENDMENT: Then I'll crush all opposition to me,
and I'll make Garm Bel-Iblis pay -
if he fights back, I'll say that he's gay.
PALPATINE (goes out the Senate): Good news, you're in the Constitution!
AMENDMENT: Doors open, boys!
(a lot of Stormtroopers march in)
The Stonecutters Song, SW version:
STONECUTTERS: Who control'd the Republic? Who keeps the Jedi Order down? We Do! We do!
TARKIN: Who kept the Death Star under wraps?
LAMA SU: Who keeps Kamino off star-maps?
STONECUTTERS: We do! We do!
ADM. PIETT: Who keep Mara Jade's hair red?
NOM ANOR: Who makes the Yuuzhan Vong a threat?
STONECUTTERS: WE DO! WE DO!
OBI-WAN's GHOST: Who makes sand-men stiff with fright?
HAN SOLO: Who rigs every Life Day night?
STONECUTTERS: WE DO! WE DO!
"Those Were The Days"
Disco songs Max Rebo played,
starships Kuat Drive Yards made,
Guessing how much Jabba weighed
Those were the days!
And we know where Luke were, then
In a hut with Jedi Ben,
Mister, we could use a man like Biggs Darklighter again!
Not "Jedi Rocks" but "Lapti Nek"
coming out of my eight-track
Ysanne Isard's hair was black,
THOSE WERE THE DAYS!
"Executor" (to the tune of "Canyonero")
Can you name the ship of Darth Vader,
Big battleship with a name ominous?
EXECUTOR! EXECUTOR!
Well, it goes really slow in hyperdrive,
It's the dagger-shaped hulk made by KDY!
EXECUTOR! EXECUTOR! Executor....
Eleven miles long, really damn wide,
A sinister icon of Imperial might!
EXECUTOR! EXECUTOR!
Top of the line in command battleships,
survives dormancy 'neath Coruscant bricks!
EXECUTOR! EXECUTOR!
She melts everybody with turbolaser beams,
she's a Rebel-smashing, BDZ'ing battle machine!
EXECUTOR! EXECUTOR! Yeah! Ahh, Executor! Whoa, Executor!
"Love-Matic Grand Moff" (to the tune of "Love-Matic Grandpa")
While commanding the Death Star,
An old man passed away.
He entered the Force's Flow,
But got lost along the way.
Now he's the love-matic Grand Moff.
The wise Tarkinic Grand Moff.
He'll fill our hearts with looooooove.
"Yuuzhan Vong Variety Hour" (to the tune of the "I Want Candy" section of "Simpsons Family Smile Time Variety")
MARGE: Inflations, the Ssi-Ruu, horrible war atrocities... how are we supposed to do our big musical number with so many problems in the galaxy?
HOMER: Well, I know one thing that's still pure and good.
MARGE: The Force?
HOMER: No. The Yuuzhan Vong! [evil]MWUA-HA-HA-HA-Ha-HA!![/evil]
[the orchestra strikes up the "I Want Candy" tune]
HOMER: (singing) Hail Yun-Yammka!
MARGE: But don't you want to help the Jedi?
BART: Hail Yun-Yammka!!
MARGE: Or save the endangered Calamarian salmon?
"LISA": Hail Yun-Yammka!
MARGE: Well if you won't think of society's ills ...
H + B + L: HAIL YUN-YAMMKA!
MARGE: At least, think of our unemployed mechanics.
"LISA": We've got a new dance, and it goes like this! And the name of the dance is the Yuuzhan'tar Twist! Yeah!
(camera cuts to an over-tattoeed, disfigured and barely recognizable Jasper, wearing Vonduun crab armour)
JASPER: (singing to the tune of "Lollipop") Yuuzhan Vong, Yuuzhan Vong, oh, Yuuzhan-Yuuzhan Vong, Yuuzhan Vong! (gets hit by a falling X-Wing)
(camera cuts to an over-tattooed, disfigured and barely recognizable Smithers, wearing Vonduun Crab armour and wielding an amphistaff)
SMITHERS: Crack that whip! Amphistaff whip! I said whip it! Amphistaff!
(camera cut)
THE SIMPSONS FAMILY: (singing to the tune of "I want Candy" again) Kill the Jedi! Kill the Jedi! DO'ORIK YUUZHAN VONG PRATTE! RRRRAAAGH! [Death Metal] KILL MAIM BURN!!! KILL MAIM BURN! [/Death Metal]
"Amendment-To-Be, Palpatine Version" (to the tune of "Amendment-To-Be")
BOY: Hey, who left this garbage at the Galactic Senate on Coruscant?
AMENDMENT: I'm not garbage.
I'm an amendment to be,
suggested by Palpatine,
and supported by that old man Tarkin.
There's a lot of Force-users who have got too much freedom.
I wanna make it legal for Stormtroopers to beat'em
'cause there's limits to our liberty
at least I hope and pray that there are
'cause those Jedi freaks go to far!
BOY: Why can't we just make the law against the Jedi?
AMENDMENT: Because that law... would be unconstitutional! But if we change the method of government...
BOY: ...then Palpatine can use his absolute power to make all sorts of crazy laws!
AMENDMENT: Now you're catching on!
BOY: What if people don't say you're good enough to be in the Galactic Republic's constitution?
AMENDMENT: Then I'll crush all opposition to me,
and I'll make Garm Bel-Iblis pay -
if he fights back, I'll say that he's gay.
PALPATINE (goes out the Senate): Good news, you're in the Constitution!
AMENDMENT: Doors open, boys!
(a lot of Stormtroopers march in)
The Stonecutters Song, SW version:
STONECUTTERS: Who control'd the Republic? Who keeps the Jedi Order down? We Do! We do!
TARKIN: Who kept the Death Star under wraps?
LAMA SU: Who keeps Kamino off star-maps?
STONECUTTERS: We do! We do!
ADM. PIETT: Who keep Mara Jade's hair red?
NOM ANOR: Who makes the Yuuzhan Vong a threat?
STONECUTTERS: WE DO! WE DO!
OBI-WAN's GHOST: Who makes sand-men stiff with fright?
HAN SOLO: Who rigs every Life Day night?
STONECUTTERS: WE DO! WE DO!
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"