Simpson, Lisa:
- She'll have the wisdom of Adi Gallia and the wit of Princess Leia Organa, the tenacity of Admiral Daala, and the common sense of Supreme Commander Mon Mothma! And to top it off, the down-to-earth good looks of Mara Jade.
(Author's note: OK, I admit that Mara Jade's appearance is anything but down-to-earth. But we couldn't mention Leia two times, could we?? And in any case, Mara Jade's good looks are more down-to-earth than those of, say, Guri, Asajj Ventress or Ysanne Isard)
- It's not funny, Bart. Millions of Imperial Stormtroopers will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act -- that they can never be more than vacuous-minded thugs whose only goal is to look disciplined, earn a lot of military decorations and spend all day off duty with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look disciplined and have a high kill record!
(author's note: If my prejudices about Imperial training systems are right, this might actually be an accurate description of most stormtroopers' way of thinking)
- Good luck, Dad! Although I'm morally opposed to the Galactic Imperial Star Fleet of which you are now a part.
- An Imperator-class Star Destroyer? [sarcastic] Oh, that's subtle.[/sarcastic]
- Ooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Queen of Naboo!
- But Mom, if you take our Holo-Net away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be droids.
- Darth Vader seems to have lost his edge...
- You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on Podracing?
- Dad, there's many prominent Twi'lek celebrities including Lynn Me, Orn Free Taa and Aayla Secura!!
- Find the Gold Wookiee and win a free vacation to Kashyyyk??
- Alderaan is like an azure jewel viewed hereup from space.
- Mom! Bart implied that I was a Bantha!!
- Wait!! Banthas don't hatch from eggs!!
- Those poor, helpless Banthas.
- I can't believe she had a rhyme for "Palpatine!!"
- I love Coruscant-town! Although I don't like the way they pick on Kashyyyk-town!
- TK-421 and all these other Stormtroopers are obviously the product of mental conditioning.
- That's just a dog in a Stormtrooper uniform.
- Why did Obi-Wan have a lasso?
- Can't you see what Palpatine has done to this Republic?
- Lenny and Carl?? Are you Jedi??
- Remember that fabled new clone son Ralph's been talking about?? It's an acorn.
- Because we all know you're a naive pawn -- puppet, if you will -- of the most diabolical political genius the galaxy has ever known: Emperor Palpatine I!!
- Boba Fett! You gave a talk on bounty hunters' issues at my school on how you don't have to be second-class citizens.
- Well, Mr. Tarkin, I hope you've realized the folly of blowing up innocent planets.
- There's no way I'll get into an Imperial Academy now. At this rate I probably won't even get into Carida.
- The tractor beam isn't a toy, Dad.
- Mom, I know your intentions are good - but aren't the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps the protective force that maintains the status quo for the Imperial government?
- Yeah, well, Bevel Lemelisk stole the Death Star blueprints from the Geonosians, but they stole'em from Steve Allen.
- I can't eat a poor little bantha.
- What's the difference between this bantha and the one that kissed me?
- I never realized before, but the Imperial Stormtrooper Corps' recruitment ads send the message that violence against Ewoks is funny.
- Is there anything here which there isn't Bantha in??
- I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for the Rebel Alliance and you were wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!
- I want to meet the first female X-Wing pilot. During the Galactic Civil War she destroyed seventy TIE-Fighters.
- That New Republic Senate is a hotbed of isolationist snobs and war-mongerering imperialists.
- Mom, do you want to know the fifteen reasons I like tauntauns better than air speeders? One, a tauntaun never has to...
- Han Solo was really a vicious pirate named Han Suul. He once killed a Rodian in a groghouse fight.
- No, not Janey! She'll pack the New Republican Senate with Trandoshans!
- General Kenobi??
- (describing pot smoke) It smells like Obi-Wan's robes.
- Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Daala, and then sold off piece by piece to Grand Moff Tarkin, who died with his Death Star.
- Oh no, I think I have a crush on Jacen Solo.
- Dad, I think he's a Yuuzhan Vong! His boots are vonduun crab, his hat is vonduun crab, and I'm pretty sure that check is a living creature on its own, too!
- Eww, why is Guri on that box of Wheaties?
- Wookiee slave-labour - you get what you pay for!
- (looking down from one of the higher levels of a Coruscantian hotel) Oooh... there is the Palace Of Emp. Palpatine... and the Outlander Club!
- What do Yuuzhan Vong have to do with Halloween?
- Do we have any food that wasn't BDZ'ed??
- Mom, it's wrong of Kaminoan cloners to play God with nature.
Simpson, Marge:
- Homer, it's not the solution to move to Kamino! It's not gonna happen!
- Honey, you're not going to throw red paint at the executives, are you? The Kuat Drive Yards people were very upset.
- Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Darth Vader's Death Squadron because you thought the Executor was going to BDZ your garden?
- Aah! Bart, put that down! Lightsabers are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house!
- Homer, when did you become a member of
People for the
Ethical
Treatment of
Droids??
- Well, leave it to good ol' Luke Skywalker to finally step in and do something about that hideous Yuuzhan Vong invasion.
- Outer Rim Baby Proofing?? What's that??
- Who's Palpatine??
- My name is Marge. I'm here about your ad: "Single white Homo Sapiens female wanted for doing mysterious jobs for the Emperor. Must like the Dark Side. Non-smokers and redheads preferred."
- Well, you can
tell that Ysanne Isard never had children - just look how firm and high her breasts are.
(editor's note: This one was originally to be about Admiral Daala, but I later changed it to Isard. To be honest, I don't know which of these attractive-but-evil ladies has the firmer chest, but neither of them have had any children, that's for sure. But for that matter, in this punchline I could replace Isard with any attractive female villain in the entire SW universe - from Asajj Ventress to Leonia Tavira. )
- Around here, the Black Knights of the Sith Order don't get any desserts for lunch.
- C3PO and R2D2 at least left it to your imagination.
- What? Lando Calrissian's having an affair!!
- The Jedi Academy is no place for little girls!!
- Homer, Leia
is a woman.
- This one's a good choice, and it's not too smutty. It's a book on tape by Count Dooku, you know, that nice Serennoan man who's like a pleasant version of Darth Tyrannus?
- Nobody wanted to babysit you, so I had between a student at the Imperial Naval Academy and a scary-looking Wookiee.
- Will you two please stop saying "The Force" so much??
- Ah, here we have Han Solo and Lando Calrissian... rolled into one!
- I just realized we never had a wedding for the Tauntaun and the Wampa... they've been living in sin!
- OK, I'll talk about father... Luke Skywalker's father. That's the guy they also call Darth Vader.
- Now, I know we love the Ewoks very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem.
- Bart, it's illegal for you to operate that TIE-Fighter without a pressurized space suit.
- And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that he falls down a Sarlacc pit.
- Your boyhood dream is to eat the galaxy's biggest hoagie! And you did it at the Outer Rim Fair on Mon Calamari last year, remember!?
- A Krayt Dragon with sunglasses? Hah! Now I've seen everything.
- The Empire is BDZ'ing everything we hold dear! And you kids should have jackets on.
- It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the Dark Side of The Force!
- Palpatine, North Dakota?
- You won't be watching the Holo-Net any more. Ever.
- No, I will not pay Grand Moff Tarkin 500 credits for sex!
- If Grand Admiral Thrawn jumped off a cliff, would you do that too?
- A Sith behind a mask is still a Sith.
- You want to see women at the workplace?? Then why not go work at Daala's office at the Maw??
- Hello? Oh hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Dantooine. Good night. Hello?? Imperial High Command?? No, my son's car was not crushed on Alderaan. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that. Hello?? No, Bart's not available tomorrow to deliver Boba Fett's blood samples to Kamino tomorrow. Homer, are you laughing at me?
- Turbolaser cannons are designed to BDZ!!
- I still don't understand why we have to order a clone army from a planet I haven't even heard of.
- I've been so bored since we moved here, I found myself taking a Death Stick each day.
- CalamariVision goggles? A bathroom scale from a Star Destroyer? A briefcase case made out of a Krayt Dragon's skin? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems.
(Author's note: "Calamarivision" goggles let you see everything the way Mon Calamari see it.)
- Homer, why are they saying you're going to fight Chewbacca?
- Remember, Bart, Sith Lords aren't cool, they're bad people.
- Homer, you know how unpredictable the Yuuzhan Vong are. One minute they're kissing a woman's hand, the next, they're sacrificing her to Yun-Yammka! What if they start a war?
- You're crazy! I'm not a Sith!
- Just because all the people who lived in that house fell to the Dark Side of The Force, doesn't it mean the same is going to happen to the Flanders.
- The whole town thinks you're kind of a Jedi Master - Kenobi's green with envy.
- (describing Daala) I can't believe someone that hot could have been promoted to admiral.
- Wow, look at that house! The house's number is written in Aurebesh!
- These Kaminoan architects surely have some crazy ideas!! I mean... a city shaped like a cross between an oilrig, pulp sci-fi cover art and a Turkish mosque! Who else could have thought up that?
- (Reading a description of Mara Jade) "Her turn-ons include skintight black leather and the Dark Side of The Force... her turn-offs include the Rebel Alliance and everything associated with it." Ohh.
- He'd be cute if he didn't work for the Empire.
- Nom Anor, my family and I share your vision of a better tomorrow... now! (draws a blaster and guns down every Vong in sight) Friends with Yuuzhan Vong... [sarcastic] Right! [/sarcastic]
- The good thing about a Wookiee wedding is that I'm not the hairiest woman here.
Simpson, Mona (Homer's mother):
- It all started during the Clone Wars!!
- Luke Skywalker's wild, untamed farmboy hair revealed a new word of rebellion - of change.
- Oh, my little Homie-Ewok.
- We've met the enemy and it was Emperor Palpatine. Drastic means must be taken to take out his Imperial war machines.
Skinner, Seymour:
- Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you're of Yuuzhan Vong extraction.
- The Second Space Battle O'er Springfieldooine IX was fought between the Empire, the Rebel Alliance.... and the Middle-Aged Republic.
- We've just been tipped off that Grand Moff Chalmers is planning a surprise inspection, so let's clean up this pig sty. On another topic, the following students have won Landspeeders: Bart Simpson, Jimbo Jones, Nelson Muntz.
- The Moffs told me I'd get a big parade when I came back from Hoth, but instead they spat on me.
- In the event of the Empire choosing to BDZ this planet, fallout shelter space will be limited. Space will be reserved for Lisa, Martin, young Boba Fett, that Podracing Wiz Kid, and Sherri, but not Terri.
- Dexter Jettster's Special contains much needed poisonous additives and vital death stick concentrate.
- This is a great way to make extra money, renting out our cloakrooms to the Death Star's prison system.
- Not through the Jedi Younglings!!
- We were on recon in the steaming Tatooine Desert. An overheated Storm Trooper removed his armour, revealing a kevlar jumpsuit with an iron-on sporting the slogan "Up With Mini-Skirts".
- Every class will do its part to make our planetary bicentennial just as memorable as the New Republic Anniversary.
- For a school with no Kaminoan kids I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
Smash, Lt.:
- And I'm the mack daddy behind such groups as, "Barquin D'An And The Non-Modal Nodes", and "The Lando Calrissian Disco Quartet." I'm going to make you stars.
- Good afternoon, and welcome to the ISD Starspanker.
Smithers, Waylon:
- Attention, everyone. Let's have an awed hush please for Darth Burns.
- Whew! Heh, that would be quite a feat. Yoda is a total recluse! He hasn't appeared in public in over twenty years. Here, I'm writing an article on him for my next newsletter. It contains his last known whereabouts. Here, I'll print you out a copy.
- Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: Darth Maul's twin-bladed lightsabre, the only existing nude photo of Grand Admiral Thrawn and that rare first draft of the Declaration of Rebellion with the word "suckers" in it.
- Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw the Emperor down the reactor core.
- I think that women and Sith-men don't mix.
- Oh, Darth Burns, we'll get you out the second the Bacta has healed the seventeen stab wounds in the back.
- I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one when you let Thrawn win.
- Darth Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with Grand Moff Tarkin.
- It's not a Kaminoan! It's Darth Burns!
Snake:
- Fry, Gamorrean.
- Oh no, that's the Snake-1! And she's in pain! Screw the Mandalorian Code of Honour, my Firespray needs me!
(author's note: Snake as a Mandalorian - why not?)
- What about some forbidden fruit? This is like, from Padmé Amidala's secret stash!
Snyder, Judge Roy:
- Mr. Simpson, you are forbidden to come within five parsecs of any Jedi, living or dead.
- Hmm. "Han Skywalker," "Luke Solo," "Lando Antilles," "Wedge Calrissian." Huh, I'm going to give you the only name you spelt correctly. From this day forward, your name shall be ... Max Power!
Springfield, Jebediah:
- People, our search is over! This planet we shall settle where we can use The Force, govern justly, and extract vast amounts of tibanna gas for use as Blaster ammunition!
Sweet, Lucius:
- Yes, managing Sebulba has been my highest priority, even though he is temporarily incarcerated in a heavy-duty electromagnetic forcefield for pushing a Gran down the stairs. But with his inpending release, I've been strategizing for his glorious return to the Boonta Eve Classic.
Szyslak, Moe:
- All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the Twi'lek ladies in the love-slave cloning catalogues.
- Kuat Drive Yards bought the Springfield Isotopes from from Jango & Boba Fett. It was one of the last family-owned teams.
- I think it's a sign from the Emperor that we shall all go nuts!!
- I was born a Force-User, and I'll die a Force-User.
- Dammit! It fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in! Ahh, I guess it's back to the good ol' fashioned Force.
- The deep fryer's here. Heh heh, I got it used, straight off a decommissioned Star Destroyer. You can flash-fry a Bantha in seconds. (Inscription on Deep Fryer reads: "ISD Armoured Fist, H18-deck Mess")
- Oho, an Alderaanian boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in the Galactic Civil War.
- How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for... Max Rebo Band featuring Sy Snootles!
- And remember our guarantee: If Grand Moff Tarkin doesn't smile when your homeworld is blown up, you'll eat for free!!
- You know, Pod Racing might be right up your alley.
- When I realized we hadn't have any ladies in here since Mara Jade last was here, I turned it into an office.
- Aw, it ain't no mystery. The whole New Republic's got a swishifying effect on kids today. And this Jedi Order thingy and all that blue yoghurt ain't gonna set'em Sith, neither. You gotta do it yourself, Homer, and you gotta do it fast.
- Jeeze, he's got anything but the Sith Lords!
- Where have you been, Homer? The entire Kuat Drive Yards Corporation is gay.
- I used to be a Sith Lord just like you. They called me Darth Gorgeous. Later on, it was Darth Presentable. Then Darth Gruesome. And finally, Darth Moe.
Tex:
- Gentlemen, start your turbolasers!
- 100,000 simoleons to make the galaxy's first fly-through Deathstar repair facility. YEE-HAW!
- On Corellia, we do tragedy right, that's why in memory of that poor young lady, I'm turning this entire forest into the Leia Organa Wilderness Preserve.
Van Houten, Grandpa:
- No, I'm not a Jedi Knight. I just happen to own a YT-1300 Corellian Transport converted into an interstellar RV.
Van Houten, Millhouse:
- Wait! How about a fair? Not just a planetary fair, not just a sector fair, but an Imperial fair... the Great Imperial Fair on Coruscant! The Tusken Raiders have built a giant motorized Gadderfi, and the fair's symbol is a miniature Death Star, which sits atop a big steel shaft.
- OK, here's what we've got: the Neimoidian Trade Federation, in conjunction with the Hutt Crime Syndicates under the supervision of the Sith Lords are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner.
- So if you're so sure, why not sell your soul to the Sith??
- Remember Jar-Jar Binks?? He's back - in POG FORM!!
- MOM! Bart's using the Dark Side of The Force!!!
- Watch out, Itchy!! He's Corellian!
- Wow! If Palpatine wore pants, he'd use that belt!!
- You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where the Kaminoans take the brains out of zombies and put them in the heads of Clonetroopers to create... Storm Troopers!
(Author's note: This, at least, explains why stormtroopers have worse aim than Clonetroopers.)
- Hey, Bart! What about a ride in my uncle's LAAT/H??
Washington, George:
- We had quitters in the Clone Wars, too! We called them "Mon Calamari!"
Wiggum, Chief Clancy:
- Yes, everybody's heard of the Geonosians, but who's heard of a Kaminoan?
- We'll catch Solo. And then he'll learn the fine art of bounty-hunting.
- Afternoon, Homer. Care for some chili? I've added an extra ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Kashyyyk! Grown deep in the jungle primeval by a bunch of crazy Wookiees.
- Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary acklay, a bug with the head of a lizard and... apparently, the body of a lizard too.
- I mailed these bogus prize certificates to every scoundrel on the Outer Rim. When they show up for their free Firespray-Class Patrol Vessels, we arrest them and beat them to the full extent of the law.
- Well, if it isn't that stupid Stormtrooper from TV.
- Hold over, Mara Jade!! You have been proven guilty of having fallen to the Dark Side Of The Force!
- Sorry, but law dictates that this Bantha either gets a decent home or gets turned into food.
Wiggum, Ralph:
- Your father told me about Tatooinian cooking.
- My rancor's breath smells like Twi'lek.
- The trandoshans bent my wookiee.
- When I grow up, I'm going to graduate at Bantha University.
- When I grow up, I want to be a Grand Moff... or a caterpillar.
- That's where I saw the Ewok. He tells me to blow up planets.
- Hi, Grand Muffler Tarkin.
- I heard Jabba The Hutt went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
- You're Anakin Skywalker!! I like you because you kill Tusken Raiders.
- Mr. Stormtrooper, I can't sleep without my Reggie Womp-Rat!
Willie, Groundskeeper:
- It's impossible for me to handle a lightsaber. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingers. Look at 'em! I got them during the Clone Wars!
- Eh, you're lucky you're getting a decent burial. Me own father fell in a Sarlacc pit!!
- If elected Supreme Chancellor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of the Jedi and burn Alderaan to cinders!!
- You've mastered the Force, but can you handle its Dark Side?
- My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in their airspeeders. I dinna come forward because in the New Republic, it makes you look like a pervert -- but every single Corellian person does it!
- That colored chalk was forged by Darth Maul himself!
- I shall strike with what you cannot protect yourself against! With
The Force!!
- Ach! Sarlacc-Sand!!
Wolfecastle, Rainier:
- Nice robes, Johnny, makes you look like a Jedi.
- Now, my Luke Skywalker impression: I'm a whiny, neurotic farmboy who likes to sleep with little girls.