So, How Stravo Got His Groove Back may (or may not) be over, but its spirit lives on.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce you to my very first fanfic:
A Practical Lesson in Saving the World:
Chapter 1: And So It Begins
Fade in: KUJA’s House, early morning, KUJA is sitting in front of his computer writing the last chapter of “How Stravo Got His Groove Back.”
KUJA: And here I blow up to save the world. The end.
*KUJA is staring at the screen, trying to gather enough courage to write the two words that will end the fanfic. The phone rings. KUJA ignores it, and continues to stare at the screen. The phone continues to ring.*
KUJA: Goddamnit, it better be something important.
*picks up the phone*
KUJA: Hello?
CYRAN: KUJA, it’s me!
KUJA: I hope its something important. I’m just finishing “How Stravo Got His Groove Back,” and if you let my muse get away, I will hang you from the biggest tree in Buffalo.
CYRAN: You mean you don’t know?
KUJA: Know what?
CYRAN: Turn on the TV.
KUJA: No, I’m busy.
CYRAN: Do it. NOW!
*KUJA reluctantly gets up and turns on the TV. He sees a man giving a speech in a heavy accent, while shaking his fists, stomping his feet, and otherwise trying to translate the power of his feelings into movements.*
MAN: ….Also, I vant faiv trillion US dollars, including 10 billion in cash. I vill also vant ze surrender of everi vorld nashion wizin 72 haurs. Finally, I vant ze city of Sankt Peterburg in Russia to be handed over to me immediaytely to be mai kapital of ze vorld…
KUJA: Who the fuck is this clown? *changes channel*
MAN *continues*: If ani government refusez to surrender to me, zey will be destroyed….
KUJA: Eh? *changes channel again*
MAN: ….elimainayted, erased, kaput….
KUJA: What the…. *changes channels furiously. It is quite useless, since every channel shows the exact same thing*
MAN: ….Viped aut, eradikated, pulverized, elimnayted. Wait, I says zat before. Shit. Anyvays, surrender to fgalkin or die. Have a very nice day.
*the normal programming of the channel resumes. The channel turns out to be Spice, and fgalkin’s face is instantaneously replaced by a close-up of a pussy being penetrated by a 10-inch cock. KUJA stares at the screen for a few minutes before realizing that the speech is over*
CYRAN: Did you hear that?
KUJA: Yes. fgalkin is trying to take over the world. We must figure out how to stop him.
CYRAN: Stop him? I was under the impression that joining him would be a much better option. That way, we can reap the benefits of his victory.
KUJA: Nonsense. He’ll never last long enough for us to get to Russia, much less offer our services to him. Spetsnaz is probably already on its way to kill him or place him in an undisclosed, but very secure location. No, fgalkin is as good as dead. A pity, really, I’ll miss his very intelligent posts to SD.Net. Besides, he’s still pissed at me for killing of his character in “How Stravo Got His Groove Back.”
CYRAN: I guess you’re right. Oh, well, it would have been fun. What’s for lunch?
*cut to: somewhere in Russia. A small and absolutely bare room. fgalkin is standing in Napoleon’s pose, looking out the window. It is snowing even though it is late April. Suddenly, the door behind him falls in and a group of Spetsnaz agents headed by VYMPEL charge in and surround him in a semicircle*
VYMPEL: Freeze, comrade, in ze naim of ze Mozerand.
FGALKIN: *looks at watch* You are 30 secondz late, comrade. I will hav to taik it up wiz your superiorz.
VYMPEL: Kill him, comrades!
*VYMPEL and his men start shooting. However, fgalkin stretches out his hand and does the Comrade Neo Bullet Stopping Trick ™. The Spetsnaz guys stare in shock as the bullets fall harmlessly to the floor*
FGALKIN: Zer iz no spoon, comrade biatch.
VYMPEL: Kill him, comrades!
*VYMPEL and his men charge FGALKIN and engage him in hand to hand combat*
FGALKIN: You used ze same line twice! You ar pathetic, comrade. *punch*
VYMPEL: Why are we using ze word “comrade” in every sentence, comrade? Ze Soviet Union iz long gone. *kick*
FGALKIN: I don’t know, comrade. Why are zere 3 feet of snow in April? *punch*
VYMPEL: Because ve are in Russia, comrade! *dropkick*
FGALKIN: Ah, yes, of courz, comrade. *kills most of the Spetsnaz men, and pushes the rest back to the opposite vall*
VYMPEL: Ve vill be viktoiuous, comrade traitor!
FGALIIN: Bah, zis is boring. You have a very narrow rainj of interestz, don’t you, comrade. Prepar to die! *fgalkin holds out his palm and a fireball forms above it. He aims it at VYMPEL’s head*
FGALKIN: Eat comrade fireball!
VYMPEL: Oh comrade shit!
*massive explosion which totally destroys the house, the city, and the surrounding taiga. Also, it melts the snow in Russia. All of it. Because fgalkin hates stupid stereotypes about Russia*
Cut to: KUJA’s house.
CYRAN: Lunch was good, wasn’t it?
KUJA: Yup, nothing beats spam.
CYRAN: You can say that again.
KUJA: No, I can’t, since that would be spam.
CYRAN: I have no idea what you just said.
KUJA: Neither do I actually.
*long embarrassing silence*
KUJA: Hey, let’s check if fgalkin has been captured already!
CYRAN: Yeah, good idea. *turns on TV*
NEWS ANCHOR: …All further attempts to communicate with fgalkin have failed. Engineers around the world are baffled as to how he was able to take over every TV and radio station all over the world. In other news, President Vladimir Putin is still recovering from shock he experienced when his wife Lyudmila was replaced by the badly burnt body of a Spetsnaz agent. The body had a note attached to it, however, its contents were not revealed to the public. So far, we do not know if this has any connection to the incident with fgalkin….
CYRAN: Holy shit, he replaced Putin’s wife with a dead body during sex!
KUJA: Ewwww! That certainly proves he is demented and evil. We can’t join him, he’ll torture us to death. Especially me. We must find a way to stop him.
CYRAN: How? He’s obviously more powerful than we thought. He could handle the Spetsnaz quite easily. Besides, we have no idea where he is.
KUJA: I’m sure we’ll come up with something.
NEWS ANCHOR:…Also, meteorologists all over the world are mystified by an unheard of occurrence in Russia. All the snow has melted. Scientists have yet to provide an explanation and….*the picture turns to static, which is then replaced by a dumb-looking man*
CYRAN and KUJA: Not again!
HYPERION: Attention, citizens of Buffalo, NY! I am Hyperion, and I am officially taking over the city in the name of Lord fgalkin. Surrender now, or suffer the consequences.
CYRAN: Eeek! There’s more of them!
KUJA: That’s the connection! If we can take him out, he’ll lead us to fgalkin. But we must do it before the cops get him.
CYRAN: So, we’re killing fgalkin, then?
KUJA: Of course. If he has Hyperion working for him, it proves that he has no standards whatsoever. He probably uses Scooter as his science advisor, too. You wouldn’t want to be working with him, right?
CYRAN: Point. So, how do we find Hyperion?
KUJA: Try that phonebook over there. The “Scientists, Mad” category
CYRAN: *flips through phonebook* Nope, nothing
KUJA: Hmmm….How about “Scientists, Wannabe,” then?
CYRAN: *flips through phonebook* Still nothing.
KUJA: “Scientists, Bullshitous Pseudoscience Quacks Who Have Nothing to Do With Science Whatsoever,”?
CYRAN: Got it! He’s there, right next to Kent Hovind.
KUJA: Whew! I was afraid he was too smart to submit the location of his secret lab. You got any weapons?
CYRAN: *pulls out knife* I have a knife, like a true Black Mage. STAB!
KUJA: *avoids the stab* Don’t stab me, stab him.
CYRAN: Oops, got a little carried away there. Sorry! What do you have?
KUJA: The Sledgehammer of Doom, of course. *pulls out a huge sledgehammer*
CYRAN: Our enemies don’t stand a chance.
KUJA: To the Kujamobile, then! We’ve got a world to save!
*Dramatic music plays as KUJA and CYRAN walk to the Kujamobile. The scene fades to black as the words “To be continued….” appear.*
Stay tuned for Chapter 2, coming to a fanfic forum near you.
Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin
