StarDestroyer.Net BBS

I blame Kuja. He inspired me to write this. Also, he killed my character, meaning that I had to have some way of obtaining my vengeance.

So, How Stravo Got His Groove Back may (or may not) be over, but its spirit lives on.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce you to my very first fanfic:

A Practical Lesson in Saving the World:

Chapter 1: And So It Begins

Fade in: KUJA’s House, early morning, KUJA is sitting in front of his computer writing the last chapter of “How Stravo Got His Groove Back.”

KUJA: And here I blow up to save the world. The end.

*KUJA is staring at the screen, trying to gather enough courage to write the two words that will end the fanfic. The phone rings. KUJA ignores it, and continues to stare at the screen. The phone continues to ring.*

KUJA: Goddamnit, it better be something important.

*picks up the phone*

KUJA: Hello?

CYRAN: KUJA, it’s me!

KUJA: I hope its something important. I’m just finishing “How Stravo Got His Groove Back,” and if you let my muse get away, I will hang you from the biggest tree in Buffalo.

CYRAN: You mean you don’t know?

KUJA: Know what?

CYRAN: Turn on the TV.

KUJA: No, I’m busy.

CYRAN: Do it. NOW!

*KUJA reluctantly gets up and turns on the TV. He sees a man giving a speech in a heavy accent, while shaking his fists, stomping his feet, and otherwise trying to translate the power of his feelings into movements.*

MAN: ….Also, I vant faiv trillion US dollars, including 10 billion in cash. I vill also vant ze surrender of everi vorld nashion wizin 72 haurs. Finally, I vant ze city of Sankt Peterburg in Russia to be handed over to me immediaytely to be mai kapital of ze vorld…

KUJA: Who the fuck is this clown? *changes channel*

MAN *continues*: If ani government refusez to surrender to me, zey will be destroyed….

KUJA: Eh? *changes channel again*

MAN: ….elimainayted, erased, kaput….

KUJA: What the…. *changes channels furiously. It is quite useless, since every channel shows the exact same thing*

MAN: ….Viped aut, eradikated, pulverized, elimnayted. Wait, I says zat before. Shit. Anyvays, surrender to fgalkin or die. Have a very nice day.

*the normal programming of the channel resumes. The channel turns out to be Spice, and fgalkin’s face is instantaneously replaced by a close-up of a pussy being penetrated by a 10-inch cock. KUJA stares at the screen for a few minutes before realizing that the speech is over*

CYRAN: Did you hear that?

KUJA: Yes. fgalkin is trying to take over the world. We must figure out how to stop him.

CYRAN: Stop him? I was under the impression that joining him would be a much better option. That way, we can reap the benefits of his victory.

KUJA: Nonsense. He’ll never last long enough for us to get to Russia, much less offer our services to him. Spetsnaz is probably already on its way to kill him or place him in an undisclosed, but very secure location. No, fgalkin is as good as dead. A pity, really, I’ll miss his very intelligent posts to SD.Net. Besides, he’s still pissed at me for killing of his character in “How Stravo Got His Groove Back.”

CYRAN: I guess you’re right. Oh, well, it would have been fun. What’s for lunch?

*cut to: somewhere in Russia. A small and absolutely bare room. fgalkin is standing in Napoleon’s pose, looking out the window. It is snowing even though it is late April. Suddenly, the door behind him falls in and a group of Spetsnaz agents headed by VYMPEL charge in and surround him in a semicircle*

VYMPEL: Freeze, comrade, in ze naim of ze Mozerand.

FGALKIN: *looks at watch* You are 30 secondz late, comrade. I will hav to taik it up wiz your superiorz.

VYMPEL: Kill him, comrades!

*VYMPEL and his men start shooting. However, fgalkin stretches out his hand and does the Comrade Neo Bullet Stopping Trick ™. The Spetsnaz guys stare in shock as the bullets fall harmlessly to the floor*

FGALKIN: Zer iz no spoon, comrade biatch.

VYMPEL: Kill him, comrades!

*VYMPEL and his men charge FGALKIN and engage him in hand to hand combat*

FGALKIN: You used ze same line twice! You ar pathetic, comrade. *punch*

VYMPEL: Why are we using ze word “comrade” in every sentence, comrade? Ze Soviet Union iz long gone. *kick*

FGALKIN: I don’t know, comrade. Why are zere 3 feet of snow in April? *punch*

VYMPEL: Because ve are in Russia, comrade! *dropkick*

FGALKIN: Ah, yes, of courz, comrade. *kills most of the Spetsnaz men, and pushes the rest back to the opposite vall*

VYMPEL: Ve vill be viktoiuous, comrade traitor!

FGALIIN: Bah, zis is boring. You have a very narrow rainj of interestz, don’t you, comrade. Prepar to die! *fgalkin holds out his palm and a fireball forms above it. He aims it at VYMPEL’s head*

FGALKIN: Eat comrade fireball!

VYMPEL: Oh comrade shit!

*massive explosion which totally destroys the house, the city, and the surrounding taiga. Also, it melts the snow in Russia. All of it. Because fgalkin hates stupid stereotypes about Russia*

Cut to: KUJA’s house.

CYRAN: Lunch was good, wasn’t it?

KUJA: Yup, nothing beats spam.

CYRAN: You can say that again.

KUJA: No, I can’t, since that would be spam.

CYRAN: I have no idea what you just said.

KUJA: Neither do I actually.

*long embarrassing silence*

KUJA: Hey, let’s check if fgalkin has been captured already!

CYRAN: Yeah, good idea. *turns on TV*

NEWS ANCHOR: …All further attempts to communicate with fgalkin have failed. Engineers around the world are baffled as to how he was able to take over every TV and radio station all over the world. In other news, President Vladimir Putin is still recovering from shock he experienced when his wife Lyudmila was replaced by the badly burnt body of a Spetsnaz agent. The body had a note attached to it, however, its contents were not revealed to the public. So far, we do not know if this has any connection to the incident with fgalkin….

CYRAN: Holy shit, he replaced Putin’s wife with a dead body during sex!

KUJA: Ewwww! That certainly proves he is demented and evil. We can’t join him, he’ll torture us to death. Especially me. We must find a way to stop him.

CYRAN: How? He’s obviously more powerful than we thought. He could handle the Spetsnaz quite easily. Besides, we have no idea where he is.

KUJA: I’m sure we’ll come up with something.

NEWS ANCHOR:…Also, meteorologists all over the world are mystified by an unheard of occurrence in Russia. All the snow has melted. Scientists have yet to provide an explanation and….*the picture turns to static, which is then replaced by a dumb-looking man*

CYRAN and KUJA: Not again!

HYPERION: Attention, citizens of Buffalo, NY! I am Hyperion, and I am officially taking over the city in the name of Lord fgalkin. Surrender now, or suffer the consequences.

CYRAN: Eeek! There’s more of them!

KUJA: That’s the connection! If we can take him out, he’ll lead us to fgalkin. But we must do it before the cops get him.

CYRAN: So, we’re killing fgalkin, then?

KUJA: Of course. If he has Hyperion working for him, it proves that he has no standards whatsoever. He probably uses Scooter as his science advisor, too. You wouldn’t want to be working with him, right?

CYRAN: Point. So, how do we find Hyperion?

KUJA: Try that phonebook over there. The “Scientists, Mad” category

CYRAN: *flips through phonebook* Nope, nothing

KUJA: Hmmm….How about “Scientists, Wannabe,” then?

CYRAN: *flips through phonebook* Still nothing.

KUJA: “Scientists, Bullshitous Pseudoscience Quacks Who Have Nothing to Do With Science Whatsoever,”?

CYRAN: Got it! He’s there, right next to Kent Hovind.

KUJA: Whew! I was afraid he was too smart to submit the location of his secret lab. You got any weapons?

CYRAN: *pulls out knife* I have a knife, like a true Black Mage. STAB!

KUJA: *avoids the stab* Don’t stab me, stab him.

CYRAN: Oops, got a little carried away there. Sorry! What do you have?

KUJA: The Sledgehammer of Doom, of course. *pulls out a huge sledgehammer*

CYRAN: Our enemies don’t stand a chance.

KUJA: To the Kujamobile, then! We’ve got a world to save!

*Dramatic music plays as KUJA and CYRAN walk to the Kujamobile. The scene fades to black as the words “To be continued….” appear.*


Stay tuned for Chapter 2, coming to a fanfic forum near you.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

fgalkin wrote:KUJA: “Scientists, Bullshitous Pseudoscience Quacks Who Have Nothing to Do With Science Whatsoever,”?

CYRAN: Got it! He’s there, right next to Kent Hovind.

I don't know who that is but for some reason I found that really funny.

Ok, this is hilarious! I want more, right now!

See how it feels?

Mark S wrote:

fgalkin wrote:KUJA: “Scientists, Bullshitous Pseudoscience Quacks Who Have Nothing to Do With Science Whatsoever,”?

CYRAN: Got it! He’s there, right next to Kent Hovind.

I don't know who that is but for some reason I found that really funny.

Kent Hovind aka Dr. Dino

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Kuja wrote:Ok, this is hilarious! I want more, right now!

See how it feels?

You'll get it soon enough.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Comrade...hehe.

Ah, another chance to be completely overlooked in a denizen fic, as always happens in real life.

All hail the destruction of stupid stereotypes!

Bwahahha, this is great! My favourite part, I think, was this:

fgalkin wrote:FGALKIN: Eat comrade fireball!

VYMPEL: Oh comrade shit!

Heheheheheheh....awesome.

fgalkin, you have nothing on Kuja. I was both killed and lit on fire by Kuja, both occurances occured before your death. As such, I should, technically, get to brutally maim him before you do. Now, if the same quality of fic is kept up, I will not demand that this fic be taken down.

So please, do continue.

Singular Quartet wrote:fgalkin, you have nothing on Kuja. I was both killed and lit on fire by Kuja, both occurances occured before your death. As such, I should, technically, get to brutally maim him before you do. Now, if the same quality of fic is kept up, I will not demand that this fic be taken down.

So please, do continue.

He didn't brag about it on AIM, though.

Oh, and an announcement about the upcoming chapter. It's somewhat longer and less funny, but it's necessary for the plot.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

PS: I just put my two favourite lines in my sig, fgalkin--hope you don't mind.

Zaia wrote:PS: I just put my two favourite lines in my sig, fgalkin--hope you don't mind.

Sure, no problem.

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Chapter 2, coming straight up. I must apologize beforehand about it being not as funny as the opening chapter. It does have several important plot twists,though, as you will see soon.

So, ladies and gentlemen, enjoy

Chapter 2; There is a hole in your mind…err, chest. Quite a lot of them, actually. Some plot twists, too.

*Fade in: a quiet street in Buffalo. KUJA’s Mustang, affectionately known as the Kujamobile, screeches to a stop in front of a fenced lot. KUJA and CYRAN jump out of the car*

CYRAN: This is the place? It sure doesn’t look like a lab to me.

KUJA: A cheap-ass trailer and an tiny old garage. What, you expected something different?

CYRAN: Well, yes, something more lab-like, you know.

KUJA: Remember, it’s Hyperion we’re dealing with here. Never forget that, it could be deadly. Now, lets go in. Quietly.

*KUJA and CYRAN sneak up to the huge wooden fence. KUJA helps CYRAN climb over. CYRAN quickly runs to Hyperion’s garage, leaving KUJA alone on the other side*

KUJA: Cyran? A little help please? Hello?

CYRAN: *Halfway to the garage* Hyperion, here I cooooooome! Wheee! *takes out knife*

KUJA: Cyran? Argh, tripledamint. *smashes fence with sledgehammer* Cyran, stop immediately! You just wasted our element of surprise!

*KUJA tries to catch up with CYRAN. It proves to be impossible due to CYRAN’s massive head start*

HYPERION: Halt, intruders, or face the fury of the world’s first functional railgun!

*HYPERION appears from behind the far end of the trailer. His railgun is large, fake-looking, and mounted on a platform on wheels. HYPERION himself in a powerchair, unable to move from the many injuries he sustained in the course of selfless pursuit of science. He controls the powerchair via an PS2 controller. *

HYPERION: Surrender now or I will fire!

CYRAN: Shit, his railgun really exists!

KUJA: Bullshit, Hyperion! Your railgun is as useful as a homemade Trek phaser in the real world. Besides, you don’t have the world’s first functional railgun. Einy had his for years.

HYPERION: But his is not a railgun because…um…..because….

KUJA: Because…..

HYPERION: Because its handheld and not mounted on a platform. There! Ha! A railgun must be mounted to be considered a railgun! Hahaha! You lose! I am so smart!

KUJA: Oookay, that wins the award for the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard….

CYRAN: Kuja, enough of this! Let me at him! Let me at him! *grabs stabby knife*

KUJA: Ok, go.

CYRAN: Yay! *charges* Here I cooooooooome!

HYPERION: Stop, or I’ll fire! *CYRAN ignores him* Ok, asshole, you asked for it! *pushes button*

*Nothing happens*

KUJA: Told ya so!

HYPERION: Shit. *turns powerchair around* You’ll never catch me! I’ve got teh 1337 powerchair driving skillz! I do 100 in a 25 zone every day! I cut off cops for fun! I’ve beaten NASCAR drivers easily! Dale Earnhardt is my bitch! *accelerates to top speed*

*KUJA calmly catches up with the fleeing HYPERION by walking, drags him out of the powerchair and throws him on the ground. The powerchair continues moving forward. CYRAN keeps running after it*

KUJA: Now, my dear idiot, tell me where to find fgalkin.

HYPERION: Who?

KUJA: *raises sledgehammer over HYPERION’s head* fgalkin. The guy you’re working for.

HYPERION: I….

*CYRAN finally notices that the powerchair is empty and that KUJA already got HYPERION*

CYRAN: Kuja, can I stab him?

KUJA: Not until he tells us about fgalkin. Although that may change if he continues to refuse to talk. *evil grin*

CYRAN: *walks over and leans over HYPERION* Now, where should I stab you first…. *brings knife to HYPERION’s groin*

HYPERION: *panicked* Ok, ok, I’ll talk! I’ll tell you everything! I don’t really work for fgalkin! When he broadcasted that message, I saw it as a chance to act. I thought I could accept the surrender of this place before fgalkin gets here. Then, I’d negotiate a deal with him. I don’t know anything! I swear!

CYRAN: I don’t believe you *prepares to stab*

HYPERION: It’s the truth! I swear! It’s the only true thing I’ve ever told in my entire life! Please believe me! Don’t castrate me! Please! You won’t hurt a cripple, right? Wait, don’t answer that. But still, don’t hurt me!

KUJA: You mean, we did all this for NOTHING?!

CYRAN: Wait, you actually believe him?

KUJA: Even fgalkin wouldn’t hire this pathetic loser, so yeah, I believe him.

CYRAN: So, we don’t need him anymore? STAB TIME!

HYPERION: For fuck’s sake! No! Please! PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!

*CYRAN draws his hand back for a stab. At that instant, HYPERION’s powerchair finally reaches the fence, and crashes into it, producing a huge explosion. CYRAN and KUJA turn towards the sound. Seeing this, HYPERION kicks CYRAN in the nuts, gets up, and runs towards his garage*

HYPERION: Haha, suckers!

CYRAN: *falls to the ground in pain* Owww! I thought the fucker was paralyzed.

KUJA: *runs after HYPERION* never believe a known liar

CYRAN: *writhing on the ground in pain* Thank you, Mr. I-believe-his-fucking-story-because-he’s-a-sore-loser!

*Hyperion reaches his “lab”, gets in, and locks the door. KUJA uses his sledgehammer to smash his way in*

KUJA: Almost there…. *half of the garage door falls in*. Much better. Hyperion, you die now! *enters garage and looks around*

*The garage is old and tiny. It is lighted by a dim light bulb hanging from the ceiling and filled with an assortment of half-built machinery. Two things stand out: a massive brown dumpster with the words “CAUTION: NUCLEAR REACTOR INSIDE” written on the side in yellow crayon and a large red rectangular device full of blinking lights, buttons, levers, dials, and antennas, with a large round opening on one side. The orange lettering on the side reads: “Acme Random Plot Device Generator.” Hyperion is crouching behind device, pushing buttons frantically*

HYPERION: Soon, preciousss, soon. Soon we’ll kill the intruderssss. Sooon. Yesss, precioussss.

*KUJA takes a step towards HYPERION and almost collapses, since the air inside the garage smells like someone has been continuously masturbating to advanced technology for years*

KUJA: Ugh…. *throws up*

HYPERION: C’mon, preciousssss. Work, you stupid thing! *hits the Acme Plot Device Generator*

*The device comes to life. All indicators light up, bolts of electricity surge between antennas, and, finally, a small white remote with a huge red button with the words “DO NOT PRESS UNDER ANY FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES. EVER. AND I MEAN EVER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED” flies out of the opening and almost hits the wall of the garage. HYPERION jumps to the floor and catches it in flight before KUJA can react*

HYPERION: *gets up* You lose! This little thing I’m holding in my hand will make the Earth go BOOM! All I have to do is press this button here, and we all die. I didn’t build it, so it actually works! So, drop the sledgehammer, put your hands behind your head, turn around, close your eyes and open your mouth…

KUJA: And I should believe you why?

HYPERION: Because if you don’t, you die. Are you willing to take the chance that you’re wrong?

KUJA: *drops sledgehammer* If you think you’ve won….

*CYRAN charges in, stabby knife in hand, and heads straight for HYPERION*

CYRAN: DIIIIIIIIIE, BASTAAAAAAAARD!

KUJA: Cyran, wait! If he presses the Button….

*CYRAN jumps on HYPERION, knocks him down, and sits on him. The remote is knocked out of his hand and lands nearby*

CYRAN: STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB *is oblivious to the fountains of blood and the large chunks of organs that fly out of HYPERION’s chest*

HYPERION: *convulses* AAAAAAAA! ARH! AAAAARGH! AAAAAAAA! *accidentally hits the Button*

*A massive beam of white light appears out of nowhere, hits CYRAN and sends him flying towards the roof*

CYRAN: Ouch! *falls back to the floor. A large chunk of the roof falls off and hits KUJA on the head*

KUJA: Wha…*collapses*

*The beam continues upwards, demolishes the rest of the roof (which once again falls on KUJA) and goes on till it reaches the upper atmosphere. There, it slowly spreads out all over the surface of the Earth.

Somewhere in America, a lonely kid named DARTH GARDEN GNOME is walking down the street. He sees the shockwave coming towards him, tries to run, but it is futile. The wave hits him, and in an instant he is changed. His body shrinks, his skin turns to plastic, and after a few seconds, he is no longer a human but a lawn ornament.

The shockwave moves further. In a Krispy Kreme branch in NYC, DALTON is enjoying a well-deserved helping of lowfat (yeah, right) doughnuts. The wave hits him, and triggers a change. For better or for worse, DALTON is no longer the same, he harbors something deep and dark inside him. DALTON is enjoying his 35th doughnut and is completely oblivious to the outside world. He notices nothing.

The shockwave moves all around Earth, changing members of a shadowy organization known as “SDN” into something else. Then, it gathers back into a beam of white light, and flies off to hyperspace, but not before frying an unlucky Shadow Battlecrab caught in the way.

Meanwhile, in Buffalo, in a half-demolished garage, KUJA wakes up to a changed world…*

KUJA: Awww. My head. Cyran, what happened? Cyran?

CYRAN: *appears* Hey, Kuja, look at this!

KUJA: What?

CYRAN: I’m a Black Mage!

KUJA: Huh? *looks at CYRAN. Indeed, he is wearing a pointed hat a blue cloak, and has a real Black Mage Stabby Knife™, not a large kitchen one* How did you…*feels his head. There is no hat* Wait, I’m not a Black Mage?!

CYRAN: Apparently that is the case. BWAHAHAHAA!

KUJA: HOW THE HELL DID YOU BECOME A BLACK MAGE WHILE I DIDN’T?

CYRAN: It’s because…YOU TOUCH YOURSELF AT NIGHT!

KUJA: So do you.

CYRAN: That’s true. I don’t know, then. Not that it matters, though, because looky at what I can do: HADO…

KUJA: WAIT! Not the nuclear dumpste….

CYRAN: …KEN!!!

*BOOM*

Fade to black

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

You and your stupid roof, Hyperion!

Hehehehe, you're doing a really good job with this, fgalkin--I think you may have just found yourself a job.

Kuja's not a black mage. Heh.

Darth Yoshi wrote:Kuja's not a black mage. Heh.

*grabs sledge and wallops Yoshi*

If not in body, than in spirit. Remember that, whelp.

That's "then," Kuj. ;P

And I actually liked the second chap better.

Niiiiice. Keep it going.

Kuja wrote:*grabs sledge and wallops Yoshi*

If not in body, than in spirit. Remember that, whelp.

Bah. Spirit schmirit. You don't have the hat, you're not a Black Mage. Old fart.

Chapter 3: Of Divine Revelation, Abuse of Power, Disappearing Chinese, and the President’s Brilliant Descision.

*Fade in: HYPERION’s garage. The massive explosion vaporized the dumpster, the wall behind it, and the trailer behind the wall. The remaining three walls collapsed on their ownKUJA, CYRAN, HYPERION’s vivisected body, and the Acme Random Plot Device Generator, lie under a pile of debris.*

KUJA: *climbs out from under the debris* I’m still alive? How is that possible? We should have been vaporized by a massive nuclear explosion. *looks around* Hey, Cyran, you okay?

CYRAN: *also climbs out from under the debris* Did you see that! My power is immeasurable!

KUJA: You power nearly got us killed. Next time, choose your targets carefully. *confused* I still don’t understand why there was no nuclear explosion….*examines the what’s left of the nuclear dumpster* Aha! I know why! The dumpster was empty! Hyperion lied to us again (big surprise there).

CYRAN: No, I’ll tell you why there was no nuclear explosion! It’s because I AM GOD!

FEMALE VOICE: Actually, that would be me.

KUJA and CYRAN: Who’s there? *look around*

IVANOVA: God. But you can call me Susan.

KUJA: God? As in the “omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent?”

IVANOVA: Well, no. There is no such thing as being omnipotent. There is, however, a thing called “too much information.” And there are some places where you don’t want to be in, much less have to be. So, no, the “three o’s” myth was created by people who want to say “my God is teh uber”

KUJA: Oookay. Whatever you say. By the way, can I ask you a question?

IVANOVA: You seek meaning?

KUJA: Yes.

IVANOVA: Then listen to the music, not the song.

KUJA: Huh?

IVANOVA: A bit of inside humor. Ask anything you want to know. But, be aware that since you are an unconverted infidel, I will only answer three questions, and only because I’m in a good mood, too.

KUJA: I am no infidel! I believe!

IVANOVA: Right. Then say the Ivanova mantra.

KUJA: Um…erm…um…Ivanova rocks?

IVANOVA: That is true, but its not the answer I’m looking for. So, we’re back where we started. Ask your 3 questions.

KUJA: *slightly awed by the power of IVANOVA* Alright, then. How do…

CYRAN: *jumps in* HOW DID I BECOME A BLACK MAGE?

KUJA: …and I didn’t.

IVANOVA: That one is easy. Well, all your questions are easy. Anyways, Cyran became a Black Mage while you didn’t because Cyran has a natural predisposition towards magic. Thus, when he was hit by the Global Transfiguration Beam (and that is what that white beam was), we was transformed into a magical being which closely resembles his mental and physical state. You, on the other hand…well, we can’t all be powerful, right? Someone has to serve as cannon fodder. That would be you. Oh, and about fgalkin- that’s entirely your fault.

KUJA: *confused*. Huh?

IVANOVA: That is what you were going to ask before Cyran interrupted you, right?

KUJA: *even more confused* How did you know?

IVANOVA: Because I am God. Now, to answer your question. There are certain people in the world, who are connected to their parallel universe selves. The rate is about one per every 6 billion people, so fgalkin is the only person on Earth to currently possess this capability.

KUJA: Swell.

IVANOVA: Yeah. Anyways, when one of his parallel universe selves dies, fgalkin becomes more powerful, just like in that Jet Li movie, “The One.” Except that unlike the movie, where the guy’s powers were at a manageable level, fgalkin’s powers grow exponentially until he reaches God level. Since there is an infinite number of universes, it is impossible to reach God level that way (so don’t even try), but it is possible to get quite powerful. Just like fgalkin, who’s the most powerful being on planet Earth at the moment.

KUJA: So, how is this my fault?

IVANOVA: Because the “How Stravo Got His Groove Back” universe is a real universe, connected to this one. Thus, when you killed his character in the story, you gave him these powers. Like I said, your fault.

CYRAN: It was you! I knew it! You were in on it from the start! How much did he pay you?!

KUJA: Well, if you remember, it was you who advocated joining forces with him…

CYRAN: *ignores him* It’s all your fault, you bast…*stops in mid sentence, looks around confused* What happened?

IVANOVA: I wiped his memory. Needless to say, it would be unwise for you to confess the act, lest you be attacked by angry mobs, dragged through the streets, and burnt at the stake.

KUJA: Good point. So, how do I fight fgalkin?

IVANOVA: It’s good to know that you’re willing to fight him, but its not going to be easy. The various governments of the world will try to fight fgalkin, but they’ll fail. The only ones capable of defeating him are you SDNetters. If you get enough of your people together, you may stand a chance. Now, having answered your three question (actually, it was five questions, but we’ll forget that inconvenient fact), I’m moving on…elsewhere. Oh, and don’t forget to take the Acme Random Plot Device Generator. It is quite powerful, as you have noticed, so it will prove useful.

KUJA: But I don’t know how to operate it….

IVANOVA: Learn *a huge tome with “User Manual” written on the cover appears in midair and drops to KUJA’s feet* Have a nice day. *disappears*

*KUJA stands staring at the manual, in shock from what he heard*

CYRAN: Well, you heard the Almighty! Grab the Generator and let’s go!

KUJA: Who died and made you boss?

CYRAN: Well, since I now possess the kickass Black Mage powers, and you are nothing more than mere cannon fodder, it is only natural I should be in charge.

KUJA: *icily* You think so, mage boy? *digs out sledgehammer from under the debris*

CYRAN: Go ahead, Mr. Cannon Fodder! I will crush you like a bug with my Evil Powers of Doom!

KUJA: Have at thee! *charges*

CYRAN: Yay! Target practice! *shoots lightning bolt at KUJA*

KUJA: *barely avoids the bolt by dropping to the ground, and losing the sledgehammer in the process* Okay, okay, you may have a point! Let’s talk!

CYRAN: No talk. STAB TIME! *takes out knife*

KUJA: Wait, WAIT! You’re supposed to take charge, not kill me!

CYRAN: What can I do? I have the heart of a Fighter, and the powers of a Black Mage. AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO TAKE THEM AWAY! BWAHAHAHA

KUJA: *to himself* I swear, one day I’ll kill him.

CYRAN: Did you say something?

KUJA: No, nothing at all*whistles innocently*

CYRAN: Good, now get the Acme Random Plot Device Generator to the car, so we can get underway.

*Grumbling, KUJA drags the extremely heavy Generator to the Kuja…err… Cyranmobile. He puts it in the trunk, which almost causes the car to tip over. Finally, all is set to go, and our heroes start the drive home*

*Cut to: Inside Kuja’s Mustang*

CYRAN: Ah, the power. It tastes so sweet. To finally be able to boss Kuja around is the fulfillment of all my dreams….well, almost.

KUJA: *getting angrier* Enjoy the power while it lasts, mage-boy.

CYRAN: Is that disobedience I hear in your voice? Please, tell me it is, and give me a chance to blast you into smithereens.

KUJA: You bet it is, bitch. *pulls over*

CYRAN: STAB TIME! *pulls out knife*

KUJA: *easily wrestles the knife out of CYRAN’s hand and puts it to his throat* How ‘bout we settle this once and for all?

CYRAN: *gulp* No don’t kill me. Please! I was only joking about the blowing you to smithereens part. Really.

KUJA: *icily* Choose a way to settle this. Do it, or die like the traitor you are.

CYRAN: Okay, okay. Since the main function of the leader is to attract hot chicks, whoever gets a date over a set period of time gets to be the leader. Simple, isn’t it?

KUJA: *sensing an opportunity* So, if you lose, you agree to give up leadership?

CYRAN: I can’t lose! I will attract every female in Buffalo with my uber Black Mage powers! But if the impossible occurs and you win, then yes, you’ll get to be leader.

KUJA: You’re on!

*Cut to: a street in Buffalo. KUJA and CYRAN are standing opposite each other in the poses of Wild West gunfighters*

CYRAN: So, we’ll walk past this tree with our dates in one hour. The winner gets all the power, and the non-Black Mage loser *nod to KUJA* gets vaporized.

KUJA: May the better man win.

*They turn around and on the count of three walk in opposite directions*

CYRAN: *sees a hot chick with a boyfriend* Hey, Kuja, watch and learn! *fires a bolt of lightning, instantaneously frying the boyfriend* *to the chick* I am the Black Mage. I casts the spells that makes the peoples fall down! Will you go out with me?

CHICK: AAAAARGH! GET AWAY FROM ME! HELP! HELP! *pulls CYRAN’s hat over his eyes, kicks him in the shin, and runs away*

CYRAN: Oooh, she wants me! *runs after her, limping*

KUJA: *as they run out of shight* This is far too easy.

*Cut to: Same place, 1 hour later. A somewhat bruised CYRAN appears from behind a corner. He is alone. KUJA appears with two girls*

KUJA: *as he walks past CYRAN: Greetings *wink*

GIRL 1: Ooh, saving the world is so sexy! You are so brave!

GIRL 2: You’re a real hero. Here is my phone number.

KUJA: *quietly* Holy shit, the saving the world approach actually works! *to CYRAN* now, my dear loser, let us continue home to plan our campaign against fgalkin

*KUJA and CYRAN get into the Kujamobile (formerly known as the Cyranmobile, formerly known as the Kujamobile, formerly known as a Ford Mustang. Fade out*

*Fade in: KUJA’s house, 20 minutes later. KUJA is sitting on the couch, drinking a Dr. Pepper and looking through the user manual for the Random Plot Device Generator. The phone rings*

KUJA: Hello…What’s up, Dalton. Have I heard the news? About fgalkin? Yes. No, WHAT?! Shit, that’s bad. Yeah, we gotta do something about it. I have a plan. I’m going to tell Cyran the news, then I’ll call you back. Oh, by the way, he’s a Black Mage now. It’s a long story, I’ll tell it later. Ok, bye. *hangs up* Hey, Cyran! Get your ass down here right now!

CYRAN: *obviously unhappy* What?

KUJA: Hey, what were you doing there? Wait, its not important. Dalton just called me about the latest news. The Russian army tried to block fgalkin’s approach to St. Petersburg. They all disappeared. All of them. Seeing that, the Chinese tried to invade Russia. Their army also disappeared, along with 200 million civilians living along the border.

CYRAN: Bah, that’s nothing. We can still take him…

KUJA: That, my friend, is why you should never hold a position of power, even if it is the president of the “People Who Should Not Be Let Anywhere Near Power” club.*turns on TV*

CNN: President Bush has made an official statement regarding the matter. In a televised speech today, he has said that the United States is considering using nuclear weapons against the so-called Evil Overlord fgalkin, and that by God’s will, the US shall prevail over evil….

KUJA: Goddamnit! That is the worst fucking decision Bush has ever made, including not strangling himself with his umbilical cord.

CYRAN: Huh? Did I miss something?

KUJA: If Bush launches the nukes, it will only piss fgalkin off. The incident with the Chinese proves it. And, when he retaliates, we’ll all be screwed. Not to mention very much dead.

CYRAN: So, what are we going to do.

KUJA: *thinks for a moment* We have to go to DC and get Bush to abort the launch .

CYRAN: That will most certainly work. Bush is going to listen to us. Great plan, Kuja

KUJA: Don’t worry, I have an idea. Go pack your things. We’re going to Washington.

CYRAN: I’m a Black Mage. I don’t have anything to pack other than my spells of mass destruction.

KUJA: Well, then, go blow shit up or something while I pack. *CYRAN leaves* Oh, and it better not be anything belonging to me. Otherwise, you will know pain. Lots of it. And you will know fear. And then you will die.

*KUJA takes out a cellphone and calls DALTON*

KUJA: I have an idea. Here’s what you have to do….

*Cut to: 20 minutes later. The Kujamobile is loaded with KUJA’s possessions, his sledgehammer, his backup sledgehammer, CYRAN, CYRAN’s collection of Stabby Knives of various sizes, the Acme Random Plot Device Generator, and a month-long supply of Dr. Pepper. As soon as all preparations are finished, the Kujamobile blasts off at ludicrous speed heading towards the interstate*

*Caption: Meanwhile, in New York City…*

*Cut to: STRAVO’s NYC Apartment. DALTON is standing before the front door, knocking furiously. There is no response. Finally, the door opens and STRAVO appears*

DALTON: *irritated* What the hell? I’ve been standing here for twenty minutes. And why didn’t you answer my calls.

STRAVO: I was…preoccupied. Now, what do you want?

DALTON: Pack your stuff. We’re going to Washington to help Kuja convince President Bush not to launch nuclear missiles at Russia.

STRAVO: *stares silently in shock*. No, I meant for real. Why are you here?

DALTON: I’m serious. We have to go now.

STRAVO: That’s not funny. Besides, April Fool’s day is long over. Goodbye. *slams the door*

DALTON: *manages to get a foot inside, thus preventing STRAVO from closing the door*. Wait, you mean you don’t know! Don’t you follow the news?

STRAVO: When we writers are working, we do not distract ourselves with such irrelevant details as food, water, sleep, television, and the Internet. Whatever it is, I'm sure its inferior to the next chapter of "Starcrossed"

DALTON: Meaning that you don’t know.

STRAVO: Know what?

DALTON: Turn on the TV and you’ll see.

*STRAVO turns on the TV*

NY 1: We repeat, mayor Bloomberg has declared a State of Emergency in the city, and urges all people to evacuate immediately….

DALTON: Shit! Houston, we have a problem. A huge fucking problem.

*Fade out*

Enjoy. Chapter 4 is coming soon (in a few days maybe).

Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin

Hmm........ No opinion yet. I want to see what happens. Though the Ivanova bit is amusing.

Does that mean I have to start writing Chapter 4? Damn you readers! Damn you all!



Have a very nice day.
-fgalkin