The New FUQ, Parts I-VI
Posted: 2004-05-13 04:37pm
(Beforehand: I've decided to post sections 1 through 6 of my fanfic to SDNet to see if folks like it. If you readers do, I'll continue with further sections. If not, I won't.
An aforehand: WARNING: THIS FANFIC IS RATED BORDERLINE PG-13/R FOR PERVERSE YET NON-EXPLICIT SEX, DEPICTIONS OF PERVERTS, SENSELESS DEATH OF REDSHIRTS, AND THE BARON. A SPECIAL WARNING: PART VI IS PERHAPS THE MOST GRAPHIC PART OF THE STORY, FROM 1-24. I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONSEQUENCES IF SMALL CHILDREN READ THIS.)
The New FUQ
<scroll initial screen, with ridiculously large letters going by way to slowly for anyone to not help but read>
A long time ago, in a galaxy so far away that its... far away,
The newsgroup, er, galaxy once again sits on the brink of ridiculously silly antics,
oh, and destruction, too.
The rule of the Wong Empire has extended near-total control over most of the galaxy,
and it seems to be only getting stonger. Darth Wong sits at the cusp of ultimate power,
<"YAY" Goes a crowd of Warsies. "BOO!" Goes a crowd of Trekkies>
his only opponents either being trolls or (in his view) lightweight annoyances
. However, a few of those "annoyances" have gathered together,
and formed a new order, dedicated to bringing his empire down
. <"YAY" Goes a crowd of Trekkies. "BOO!" Goes a crowd of Warsies>
Meanwhile, the trolls have a new leader, replacing their fallen head.
Having already committed the ultimate crime, the new head of trolldom stands ready to rally his fellow trolls to take power.
<"BOO! HISS! BOO!" Goes a crowd of both Trekkies and Warsies>
Years have passed since the last battle, and many of the old heroes and villains are gone.
The fate of the galaxy is in the hands of new individuals, as well as those of the old years who remain...
<"WTF?" Goes virtually anyone. Cue visuals. Part I, begin>
Part 1:
At a small hotel on the distant planet Grohoya, about twenty trekkies have gathered in the hotel's small conference room. Four of them are at the head of the table. Two are clearly human; they are DanielSBen and Matt Huang. A third, Tyralak, is a Romulan. The fourth, reputedly named Doctor Zeppo Dunsel, is shadowy, and says nothing through the whole presentation.
"We have an offer that, if it comes through, will yield us a chance at victory over the Wong Empire." DanielSBen noted. "An Insectoid Xindi has offered a weapon that we may use - the specifications, and a working model, of a device that can give the Death Star a run for its money! They plan on selling us a planet killer - a device that can travel in a layer of subspace, hidden from most sensors, and that can destroy a planet with one hit, just like their Death Star. The only ceveat - we must pay up. The Insectoid asks for payment in the form of assasination. Apparently, an individual named Gralik ticked the bug off, and he wants him dead." He finished. "We need a suitable assasin."
One of the trekkies spoke up "Lt. Hit-Man could do it. He's a hired gun, reputedly the best in the galaxy."
"Are you fucking insane?" Tyralak replied. "Half his killings were by hire of the Wong Empire. He'll just as likely take us out as Gralik, especially if he finds out what this is for!"
"I'll go" Matt Huang volunteered. "It'll be cheaper, and less risky, if this is an inside job."
"You're not much of a sneak." Tyralak responded. "All you know is weapons."
"As if you were a good sneak." Matt blasted back. "Besides, who else would?"
"Good point." DanielSBen conceeded. "We don't have very many people. Unless anyone else wants to, Matt will go. Anyone?"
<sound of crickets chirping in the background as nobody volunteers>
"Good." DanielSBen stated. "Matt will go, then."
"Hey, i'm the senior member here!" Tyralak retorted
. "Let's have a vote, then." DanielSBen proclaimed. "All in favor of Matt going, raise your hands!"
<12 of the trekkies, DanielSBen, and Matt raise their hands>
"All opposed, raise your hands!"
<the remaining trekkies and Tyralak raise their hands>
"Doctor Dunsel, do you have an opinion?"
<crickets chirp as Doctor Zeppo Dunsel doesn't reply>
"I'll take that as a no. Matt, good hunting. You'll need it!" DanielSBen finished.
The trekkies file out to their various rooms, Matt Huang to gather his weapons and plan his assasination, DanielSBen to read a book and enjoy the hotel's amenities, and Tyralak to smoke crack and perform suspicious activities with a mule. We don't know what Doctor Zeppo Dunsel does, yet.... (But we will, we will)
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Part II:
<On Coruscant, a hall beckoned. Its walls, over 20 meters high and decorated with elaborate stone engravings of past leaders, some of which date as far back as 1995. There are seats arranged, with eight seats on one level and a ninth on a raised platform; there are dozens of chairs for an audience, a podium for a speaker/crier, and space for a speaker to address the audience. It is in this hall, and the surrounding antechambers, where the scene is set>
"Oyey! Oyey! Here gathered is the Council of Lords, the supreme assembly of the Galaxy, Now In Session!" The speaker/crier, Mike, stated.
"Introducing the Supreme Head of the Council, Exalted Sir Nitram!" The head of the Council of Lords takes his seat.
"Introducing Lord Kazuaki Shimazaki!"
"Introducing Lord Graeme Dice!"
"Introducing Lord Pablo Sanchez!"
"Introducing Lord Wayne Poe!"
"Introducing Lord Edam de Fromage!"
"Introducing Lord Robert Dalton!"
"Introducing Lord C. S. Strowbridge!"
"Introducing Lord Mark Shepperd!"
Exalted Sir Nitram began. "Regarding the measure to grant Michael Wong, Darth of the Sith, Lord-Protector of the Realm and Commander-in-Chief of the Galactic Armed Forces, emergency powers in regards to the suspected threats of Trekkie and Troll involvement, i move that this Council allow Darth Wong to present his case to the Council before we vote on this measure."
"I second!" Stated Lord Kaz and Lord Strowbridge at the same time.
"The Measure shall be placed in force. The Council Presents Darth Wong!"
<A figure with black robes appears. He unveils his head, revealing red-and-black patterned skin and slender horns on top of his bald head. Despite this, his voice has clear inflections of an Asian male living in Canada - the thing is, only Hoshi would really care about that>
"Lords of the Council." Began Darth Wong. "There is a grave threat in this galaxy. Spies, using a small microphone inserted on a Donkey*, have uncovered evidence of a Trekkie plot to overthrow this Council and this Government, connected to an individual known as Tyralak and a small circle of his friends. Such a treachery should not be tolerated! In addition, there are schemes being concocted by the Trolls as we speak. A new Lord of the Trolls shall rise soon, for there is a breach in the Force which implies it. These warrant emergency powers, to stop this grave threat to galactic peace and prosperity!"
*<That happened to be bought and given the "full treatment" by Tyralak>
Exalted Sir Nitram stated "Thank you, Darth Wong. <Darth Wong leaves> Now, does any Lord of the Council wish to call another witness?"
Lord Edam did. "I call on the Council to allow Robert Walper, Representative of the Organization of Applied Policy and Governance*, to come before the Council and refute Darth Wong's case."
*(OAPG, a lobbying group, generally Pro-Trek in leaning)
Exalted Sir Nitram announced "Does anyone Second Lord Edam's motion?"
<crickets chirp as no other Lord seconds Lord Edam's motion>
Exalted Sir Nitram decreed "No Seconds? Then the motion is denied. A vote shall be called. All in favor of the motion, say 'Yea'. All opposed, say 'Nay'."
"Yea" stated Exalted Sir Nitram.
"Yea" stated Lord Kazuaki Shimazaki.
"Yea" stated Lord Graeme Dice.
"Yea" stated Lord Pablo Sanchez.
"Yea" stated Lord Wayne Poe.
"Nay" stated Lord Edam de Fromage.
"Yea" stated Lord Robert Dalton.
"Yea" stated Lord C.S. Strowbridge.
"Yea" stated Lord Mark Shepperd.
"It is settled then. On a vote of 8 to 1, the measure is passed. Darth Wong has been awarded Emergency Powers by the Council until such time as he finds them neccesary to be rescinded." announced Exalted Sir Nitram.
Mike, the speaker/crier, went "The Council of Lords is has voted. The Session is Ended!"
... --- ... --- ... --- ... --- ... --- ... --- ... --- ... --- ...
The various Lords gathered in their independent antechambers. Lord Edam was depressed by the passage of the measure. It meant that the entirety of the Galaxy was under the direct control of a Dark Lord. He contacted his agent, hoping for news from the supposed Resistance.
"Wouter, how are things holding up?" He said.
"Fine. We've got possible gold in the proposal to knock off Gralik and bag our own Death Star. Matt Huang has been assigned it. DanielSBen and Tyralak are drawing up plans for further resistance as we speak. I've joined them, alias 'Doctor Zeppo Dunsel', after an old friend of mine. I've said little, listened much."
"Good. Be aware, Darth Wong knows of the plot. He snuck a microphone on Tyralak's Donkey."
"That could complicate things. I guess we can find the mike, and blow it up or deactivate it or something."
"I'm not sure you want to know where the microphone was hidden..." Lord Edam stated.
<on distant planet Grohoya, Tyralak goes "OWOWOWOWOW!" when his prized possesion hits hard metal where he would least expect it>
"I got the picture." went Wouter. "The guy is second only to the Baron with this stuff. Yeesh."
"Indeed." was all Lord Edam had to say on this. "Be cautious! The Warsies'll soon be after you."
"Understood." Said 'Doctor Zeppo Dunsel'.
...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...
Darth Wong called on a commlink "Lieutenant Hit-Man, I have a job for you. Matt Huang, one of the members of the Trekkies, is busy hunting for a petty individual named Gralik. It is your job to hunt him in turn. Your pay, if he dies or is captured, will be 1.7 million AmeroEuroYens. "
"Understood. It shall be done." Stated Lt. Hit-Man. He contemplated his 3,412 assasination attempt. Of the 3,411 he had gone after so far, 3,109 were dead by him, 146 had been seriously injured, and 103 had been captured and interred. Only 53 had escaped him. Those 53, a mere 1.55% of his load, haunted him to this day.
He got his improbably huge supply of guns and set to work...
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Part III:
"So, what do we have here, Tyralak? Got too rough with the ass, huh?" DanielSBen accosted him.
Tyralak merely whimpered. His endowment still throbbed from the pain of hitting metal.
"Doctor, your diagnoses?" DanielSBen asked Doctor Zeppo Dunsel.
Doctor Zeppo Dunsel used a medical tricorder to scan both Tyralak and his Donkey.
"Tyralak, apply some antiseptic cream and some gauze to your thinger." He recommended. "Take two aspirin, and you should be in shape again in time for the Baron's next big party."
"The donkey seems fine, if a bit cantankerous. But- there's a transmittor in him!" Doctor Zeppo Dunsel made his first exclaimation.
"Good God!" DanielSBen said, looking at the tricorder readings. "That's a mike and a subspace radio if i ever saw one! That's what you hit, Tyralak!" DanielSBen exclaimed.
Doctor Zeppo Dunsel got out a spray hypo and knocked the ass (the donkey, not Tyralak) unconsious. Using a laser tool, a skin healer, and a pair of tongs, he extracted the transmitter from the donkey.
"Now we'd better destroy it!" DanielSBen realized. "It probably recorded every single goddamned thing we said!"
Doctor Zeppo Dunsel set his laser tool to full power and used it to carve the equipment to pieces - so that it would be nonfunctional, but could still be analyzed.
<on the Planet Coruscant, Darth Wong said "Damn!" when he realized the transmitter was discovered and rendered useless>
"Now we'd better get out of here! Our cover is blown!" DanielSBen exclaimed. "There'll be a Star Destroyer here in hours!"
Tyralak stated, his pain subsiding, "I've got a Bird of Prey ready to take us out in an hour's notice."
"That'll do." DanielSBen said. "Serves you right to provide our chariot for all the trouble you caused. Now, Doctor, get all the transmitter pieces packed, everyone get our luggage, and let's go. Oh, and Ty, we probably won't have time to pack your Donkey and his stuff. He'll have to stay."
"<grumble>" went Tyralak.
.-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-..-.-.-.--.-...-.-.-..-...-.-.-.-.-.-.---.-.-.-...-.
Matt Huang hunted. His personal spacecraft, the "Uzi's Revenge", was stalking. Through the vast Expanse he went, looking for a mining colony where Gralik lived. While the craft was headed there, he went through the exhaustive checklist of all his weapons.
"... Uzis, check. Antimatter grenade launcher, check. Mark 23 SOCOM's, check. AK-74, check. BAR, check. .50 Magnum, check. TR-116 with antimatter rounds, check. Anti-Bozonic seeker missiles, check. Phasers type 1, 2, and 3, check. Isomagnetic disintegrator, check. ..." He went.
Proximity alarms sounded. "Activate weapons!" he yelled at the computer. "Raise shields!"
Approaching from hyperspace was "Slave Alpha", Lt. Hit-Man's personal warship. Both ships locked weapons on each other.
A space battle was on.
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Part IV:
Sent to everybody circa Stardate 56.45.69.45.10.34.5663 or Imperial Date Standard 9464656348996.25841
From: The Baron
To: Everyone
There will be a party extravaganza in 6 days at my place. There will be plenty of women, men, and animals attending. It'll be at my place - ya know, 69 Belch Road, Planet Erle. Trekkies and Warsies both welcome. Trolls will be shot on site. This is supposed to be a party - anyone arguing Trek v. Wars with fists or something (unless both are excusably drunk) will be dragged apart and have their rectums torn out of their rear ends.
Be there!
- - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - 0- - - - - --b-ffojmropjmjds
<stage is set on the Bird of Prey Psionax, personal vessel of Tyralak. They are leaving the Grohoya system and are about to head for Planet Erle, a full 1,234 turbo-hexagrofs away, planning to snip 987 turbo-hexagrofs via the handy FUQ wormhole. Not far away, Lord Kazuaki Shimazaki's Imperial Star Destroyer, the "Rampant", is stalking them>
"What is the 'b-ffjmropjmds' about? asked Tyralak.
"The author had a keyboard malfunction while typing the end of the Baron's message." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated.
"Uh... hunh." muttered DanielSBen. "Now, what are we supposed to do about the Star Destroyer that will be here in 5 minutes?" he asked.
"This rig has a cloaking device." Tyralak stated. "They won't be able to find us."
"Yeah, but we have to drop our cloak to head through the wormhole." noted Doctor Zeppo Dunsel.
"Yeah, but life ain't perfect." Tyralak said. "Jake, bring the cloak on. Oh yeah, and make me a sandwich."
"Yes sir." Jake stated. he put up the cloak, then snapped his fingers. "I'm sorry sir, but i'm not a wizard or a necromancer. I can't make *you* a sandwich."
"Get out of my sight, idiot!" Tyralak stated.
"Okay, sir. You sure you don't want to be a sandwich, sir? I can try and find a necromancer or wizard onboard."
"Positive! Now git!"
"er, okay, sir." Jake leaves.
5 minutes later....
"This is the Imperial Star Destroyer Rampant. We know you are out there, Trekkies, even if we can't see you. Surrender to our superior KE ratios or be destroyed!" Lord Kaz hailed, attempting to find the Psionax. "And WTF is a 'turbo-hexagrof'?"
"the KE numbers are not superior." muttered Tyralak. "And god, was 'Star Destroyers Rampant' a terrible fanfic."
"I heard that!" Protested Lord Kaz.
Then the great lord of them all, The Supreme Corrector of the galaxy, the humble author, stated, each word booming.
"Um, Kax, you're in a different ship and Tyralak isn't hailing you. You couldn't hear him. And a 'Turbo-hexagrof' is simply my way of avoiding any real measurements, due to an earlier fiasco. And you, Tyralak, could not possibly have read 'Star Destroyers Rampant'; it does not exist here. I should not even be talking to you two. You will remember nothing of this conversation."
"Yes, author." both Kaz and Tyralak said simultaneously.
<absurdly loud flash - yes, a loud flash, you read right>
".. what was i talking about?" Tyralak wondered. "Oh, yeah. Evasive maneuvers; we don't want the Star Destroyer stumbling into us. Head in general direction of the wormhole."
<whole galaxy shakes as computer as struck by lightning bolt. Author is also struck, his brain is addled, and he writes the story in Fiver style (go to http://www.3sygma.com/fiveminute/ for examples, in Star Trek and other varieties)>
Lord Kaz: Come out, come out, wherever you are...
Tyralak: No way! Not until we're good and ready.
------------
Psionax: Sneaking, sneaking, la la la la la...
Rampant: Searching, searching, la la la la la...
------------
Redshirt: Approaching Wormhole.
Tyralak: Drop cloak! Raise Shields! Prepare to enter!
Lord Kaz: Found you! Fire at Will!
Rampant: <pshoom!>
Psionax: Ow!
Will: GAK!
Redshirts: GAK!
Fuel Line: LEAK!
Wormhole: Gulp!
Rampant: Let me in!
Wormhole: see sign - only allow in ships that are 1 km wide or less.
Psionax: Neener, neener.
Rampant: Shucks!
Chakotay: What am i doing here?
Random Shuttle: Crash!
Chakotay: Oh! and GAK!
Wormhole: Burp!
Psionax: Woosh!
<galaxy shakes again as another lightning bolt strikes and both computer and owner return to normal>
"There's somewhat of a situation." Tyralak announced. "We've cleared the wormhole. However, a fuel line ruptured during the last attack due to a lucky turbolaser shot. The breach has been sealed, but we've lost more than half our fuel. We won't make it to Planet Erle. I'll never make the Baron's party! Wah! "
"I suggest we head for Dangrine. It's a gas giant in the Flooz system, about halfway from here to Erle. It's got enough zalium diglorite to propel a ship the size of a small moon from here to Tripoli." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel offered.
<Author is heard to mutter "Zalium Diglorite is added in for the same reason as there are Turbo-hexagrofs">
"Any inhabited planets in the system?" DanielSBen asked.
"Erm, not as far as anyone knows. Dangrine and Glox are the only planets there, and both are gas giants." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated.
"Oh!" Stated Tyralak. "Let's go then. Oh, and about the small moon to Tripoli offer... where is Tripoli?"
"I dunno. It sounded good, somehow." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated, eloquently.
- - - - - - - - -
On the Psionax, later:
'Doctor Zeppo Dunsel' stated "... so you can see where we're going, Lord Edam. We're heading straight for where you wanted us to go."
"Yes, Wouter." Lord Edam de Fromage stated. "On one of the moons of Dangrine, there lives a man who can help us. Not a sage, exactly, but someone who can help."
"We shall contact him." 'Doctor Zeppo Dunsel' stated.
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Part V
<scene is set onboard the Bird of Prey, Psionax, approaching the gas giant Dangrine>
"Approaching Dangrine. Scanning - the outer atmosphere contains over 13,452,696,450 uh, megajunkers (or was it galactares?) of Zalium Diglorite!" DanielSBen exclaimed.
"Good. Oh, and it's 'megagalactares'. Yeah, this whole 'arbitrary numbers' business is a pain." Tyralak stated. "Enter orbit."
"Which orbit?" Jake asked.
"Standard orbit." Tyralak added.
"What standard?" Jake stated.
"I'll do it! now, go shuffle some papers, numbskull!"
"Uh, okay, sir. Do you want the papers dealt out, too?"
"No, you nincompoop! Just shuffled!" Tyralak fumed.
"Of course, sir." Jake leaves.
"Why was he assigned to helm? This kid's an absolute idiot." Tyralak asked.
"Because we lost more than half our redshirts, not to mention our fuel, from that lucky turbolaser bolt when we slipped the Star Destroyer." mentioned Doctor Zeppo Dunsel.
"Is there anyone more competant to man the helm?"
"There's Sanj here. Nobody lets him do anything because nobody believes that his name is actually 'Sanj'. They expect a few more letters."
"Man the helm, then, Sanjay." Tyralak noted.
"It's Sanj." Sanj stated. "Not 'Sanjay'. Everyone makes that mistake!"
"Oh. Sorry, Sanja, er, Sanj" stated Tyralak. "Keep our orbit steady."
"Of course, sir." Sanj mans the helm.
"You might want to look at this." DanielSBen noted. "This moon has a life sign."
"That moon is alive?" Tyralak asked.
DanielSBen smirked. "No. There's someone alive down there. Someone intelligent."
Doctor Zeppo Dunsel speedily remarked. "Maybe we should investigate..."
"We need to get our fuel." Tyralak stated. "Okay. You, Daniel, and a Redshirt go down and investigate this. I'll see if I can get these idiots to figure out what to do with the Zalium diglorite."
"We'll need a shuttle. The moon has falztorq magnetic subspace corps disturbance, so transporters are out. " DanielSBen noted.
< hours later>
"Shuttle is going down steadily." Yave (the redshirt) stated. "Wait, we've got a malfunction!"
<panel shorts out due to gralixium glort (Gungan for 'Plot Contrivance') effect, turning redshirt into a red spot>
"Uhm, remind me again why we bring redshirts along?" DanielSBen asked.
"Because, if we didn't, that would happen to us." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated. "Yave was supposed to take the fall."
"Seems bloody to me. Oh well, we're landing."
<a vast landscape appears, full of deep mountains and tall valleys... or was it deep valleys and tall mountains? the shuttle lands in a valley full of greens and yellows and reds>
"We're under attack!" DanielSBen yelled. "It's the Environmentalist wackos, the Chinese, and the Communists!"
"We're doomed!" muttered Doctor Zeppo Dunsel.
<No, not those greens, yellows, or reds. Green grass, yellow flowers, and red clay earth.>
"Oh!" Both DanielSBen and Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated. the shuttle landed, serenely as ever.
"The lifesign is about 700 centi-hexagrofs that away." DanielSBen pointed, with his tricorder.
"Isn't that the same as 7 hexagrofs?" Asked Doctor Zeppo Dunsel.
"Sure, but the '700' bit sounds cooler. " DanielSBen stated.
<a few hours later, they come up upon a humble-looking lodge of unusual style, on the foot of a huge mountain>
Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated "We're here."
"How did you know that?" DanielSBen stated.
"We've travelled all 7 Hexagrofs in the right direction, right?" Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated.
"Obvious state you do! True is that, too!" someone stated.
"Who is that?" DanielSBen asked "Dr. Seuss? Yoda? Perhaps Mother Goose?"
"Nut what you for take me? Yoda, Seuss, Goose, not I. SHAKKMaster, am I. I here master am."
"You've got great grammar. Lord Edam said you'd be here." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated.
"Huh?" asked DanielSBen. "What does he have to do with this? do you know something i don't?"
"It he does, obviously." SHAKKMaster quizzically replied. "Fromage Lord Edam de here sent him. Agent Fromage from, he."
"Waitasec.... you aren't 'Doctor Zeppo Dunsel', are you?" DanielSBen asked.
"Nope. My name's Wouter Valentijin, and i work for Lord Edam. He is thinking about supplying the resistance." Wouter revealed.
"Great. Now we're going back to the ship, to bring you along if you wish. As soon as we get enough fuel, we're heading for Planet Erle, to attend the Baron's party." DanielSBen stated. "Yeesh, Tyralak insisted on that point. We're going."
"I with you go. Party we shall soon. Go we must! Time here short draws. Leave fast now soon!"
"What did he say?" DanielSBen asked.
"I think we should go." Wouter stated. "It think he is worried about an invasion of drawing shorts."
"Ooookkkkaaaayyy." DanielSBen stated.
<shuttle is signaled, scurries over on autopilot, and they depart>
<back on ship>
"254 galactares of fuel taken onboard. 276 galactares... aw, that's stupid! shouldn't we be using liters or gallons or something?" Sanj asked.
"Arbitrary numbers mean even the units must be arbitrary." Tyralak said.
<on Coruscant>
Lord Pablo Sanchez noted "Hey, haven't the Trekkies been the one committing most of the silly antics in this story so far? Doesn't that mean Wars beats Trek?"
Commander Raynor RayCav drunkenly muttered "Yesh, i shupposhe sho. Warsh Rulesh."
"Ya know, you're not helping may case here. The Baron is having a party. Why don't you go?" Lord Pablo noted.
"The Baron ish havynge a parti? I musht go!" RayCav stated. "buttt firsht, get me a nubiyile viyrgiyn goeddessh, covyered in oiyliyive oiyil. Ande shomee whishkey."
"You're really, really, annoying me here." Pablo stated. "Now git!"
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Part VI
<Onboard the Bird of Prey Psionax ("It's a warbird!" Tyralak growls. "No, it's a bird of prey." the author responds)>
"WHAT?!" Tyralak stated. "So, you guys find this weird-talking idiot, and we discover that you, 'Doctor', aren't who you say you are, and you guys say this mission 'accomplished something useful'? WTF?"
"Ya know, at least Woater here isn't a spy for Darth Wong or anything. And we need all the help that we can get." DanielSBen stated, matter-of-factly.
Wouter responded, "It's 'Wouter', not 'Woater', but he's got the right idea."
"You perhaps wrong-speaking one. Idiot not am I! Perhaps idiot you are!" SHAKKMaster protested.
<hours of argument, silly antics, and a barrel of monkeys later>
Monkeys: "Screech! Howl! Screech!"
"Why was a barrel of monkeys brought in? Oh well, at least they're more courteous than trolls." Wouter stated.
Tyralak announced. "We have all 904 galactares of fuel onboard and running. Set course 123 mark 45, Planet Erle, Sped Factor 69!"
"Why '69' and not '68' or '70'?" Sanj asked.
"I just like that number. Reminds me of something that i shouldn't mention in polite company. Engage, Sanjer!"
"It's Sanj!" Sanj insisted. "And WTF is a 'Sped' factor?"
<Author rumbles - "It's arbitrary, alright!">
- - - -
<The setting is 69 Belch Road, Sicko City, Gonzo, Wacky Republic, Planet Erle (Zip Code 90210-8472)- The Baron's compound of luxury, perverse pleasures, and silly antics. Inside an improbably huge house, there are all sorts of compartments for a party attended by perhaps 30,000 partiers, not to mention various entertainers, prostitutes (of both human sexes and several others), donkeys, sheep, and others brought in just for the event. The party is so big that many parts are held in tents or outside, on the Baron's 150-acre sheep farm. The party lasts about 5 days, and there is a whole buffet with cooks brought in, a small cafe run by a Swedish chef, a coffee shop, and several bars (yes, in the Baron's compund) for festivities, and a nearby flophouse is pressed into service for the less important (read: non-ASVSer) guests - or they can elect to stay 3 miles away at a Motel 7 for only 60 AmeroEuroYens a night>
The Baron rumbled "Welcome to my place. Let the Festivities Begin!"
"YAY!" go crowds of partiers.
"BOO!" go crowds of neighbors who will have to bear with the noise.
"BAA!" go some very annoyed sheep.
Some scenes from the party:
. . . . .
"Hiya tshere, Tyralack! Howsh thingsh doing?" Commander Raynor RayCav asked, drunkenly, with one very attractive female clone in each arm.
"Shame ol', Shame ol'" goes Tyralak, having consumed enough Romulan ale to affect even him, as he ambles on towards the donkey stable and the crack counter.
"Ya know, this party is kinda sick.... yowza!" DanielSBen goes, as a very attractive woman just passed, wearing only token clothing and carrying a Horga'hn (don't know what that is? Look it up!). "I guess i'll be busy for awhile".
"Sho will I, I Shupposhe." RayCav slurs. He gets a tub of chocolate and takes the two women with him to a private chamber. DanielSBen follows the attractive female a nearby one. Both are busy for the next few hours or so.
. . . .
"That burrito was good!" Enigma yells. "Now if you'll excuse me, i'll need to go outside or i'll kill half the people in this compound from methane poisoning!"
"Suit yourself." Big Steve goes for another trip to the buffet.
. . . .
"For heesh a jolly good fehllow, for heesh a jolly good fehllow, for heesh a jolly good fehllow, thate nobodye cann deniye!" Sings RayCav, Tyralak, Spyder, Chuck, Enigma, and Ta', very drunkenly, about the Baron.
. . . .
"Drinks good, these are. Women plentiful, interesting. Good life, this is. This not permanent, be sad." SHAKKMaster remarks.
. . . .
"Man, this party is good!" Matt Huang said.
"You bet your fucking ass it is!" Lt. Hit-Man remarked.
<Uhm, guys, you're not attending. You're out in deep space, shooting each other, remember?>
"Oh!" Matt Huang and Lt. Hit-Man both disappear with a pop.
. . . .
"I've been drunke for the pasht 2 daysh sholid, shlept with moore ladiesh than i caaan coount, and i feel sho goood!!!" RayCav cheered.
. . . .
"Marina, what are you doing here? I thought you didn't go for this stuff!" Darth Phong stated.
"Neither are you. I'm needed for a token regular woman, someone who isn't being exploited for sex." Marina replied.
"Aren't they're any others?"
"Yeah, but i don't think you want to know who..."
"Kirk and Spock are GAY LOVERS! I know this to be true! Anyone who doesn't is a blind ass!" Cries out ToolPackinMama.
"See what i mean."
"Yeah."
. . . .
"Yee-haw!" Goes Tyralak, for no apparent reason other than mounting yet another donkey.
. . . .
JPWycombe remarked. "Humph. I swear i saw Matt Huang and Lt. Hit-Man here for a moment yesterday. I guess they left early."
. . . .
DanielSBen was... busy at the moment. He'd never tried anything with two ladies before at the same time, but it was... interesting.
. . . .
"BAA!" Goes yet another violated sheep, this time drenched in chocolate.
. . . .
"Hic!" went RayCav, heading for the buffet and the bar before spending the night with three women.
. . . .
"THIS IS THE POLICE! IS ANYONE DOING ANYTHING UNTOWARD HERE?"
"Uhm, no?" said the Baron.
"GOOD. CARRY ON."
. . . .
SHAKKMaster, JPWycombe, and DanielSBen took an hour off to discuss philosophy.
DanielSBen pondered "I still say Neizsche was a complete fool. Life is beautiful, isn't it?"
SHAKKMaster replied "It is, yes i suppose. Words notice to bear, still. wisdom perhaps there is?"
"Uhm, guys, this is a party not a discussion of philosophy. Have Fun!" Wycombe stated.
"OK. I've got an appointment with an attractive member of the opposite sex soon. Something involving chocolate...." DanielSBen remarked.
"Me go to bar now. Enjoy Saurian Brandy i will." SHAKKMaster entered.
. . . .
"*hic**hic**hic*" are the only sounds coming from RayCav, Enigma, the Baron, Spyder, Big Steve, Ta', Tyralak, SHAKKMaster, Chuck, and the whole Lump Club as day 3 draws to a close, having been filled to the brim with food and alcohol.
. . . .
"F-ck you asses!" goes a random troll.
"Kill the troll, gyaa!!!!!!" goes a crowd of angry men and women. The Troll is skewered. "Troll Special" is the next day's soup at the Swedish Chef's cafe. More people go to the coffee shop or the buffet that day, for whatever reason.
. . . .
"<pffffooooommm> oops!" Enigma goes, accidentally killing everyone in the Crack tent from methane poisoning. Thankfully, Tyralak is busy at the donkey stable and not at the crack tent.
. . . .
"mmm... mmm.. good!" Stravo goes, enjoying his Troll Special Soup. "They should do this to all trolls!"
"I'd much rather eat fried noodles or ice cream or something." goes Robert Healey. "Being eaten is more than trolls deserve."
"I'd mucsh rather drink shome 200-proof brandy. Hic!" goes Spyder.
. . . .
DanielSBen spent the final 36 hours with a lone woman, a large quantity of food, and a compartment with restroom facilites and a shower. The party was good.
. . . .
"One more time, perhapsh?" Suggests RayCav to the four (!) women he was engaging in activities with simultaneously.
. . . .
"<munch><crunch><munch>" go the Lump Club, eating a whole roast cow in under 10 minutes, then requesting seconds. And a side of 100 lbs of potato chips, for the big football game on the 198" flatscreen.
. . . .
"HEE-AW!" goes a very stubborn donkey.
"OW!" goes Tyralak, getting kicked in the nuts by the donkey. "YOW! OWOWOWOWOOWOWWOWOWOW!"
. . . .
"The beer cannon is the absolute coolest weapon around!" Goes JPWycombe.
"Wrong you are. Better are interdictors!" SHAKKMaster insists.
"Weaponsh argument at thish time! For Ssshame, gentlemen! HIC!" slurs Spyder.
. . . .
"Thish ish the final day, gentlemen! Letsh drink ash musch ash we caann nowsh! HIC!" goes RayCav. He, Spyder, and Enigma toast to that.
. . . .
"Whew! the crack tent STILL smells!" Tyralak holds his nose.
. . . .
"The party is now over! please remember where you parked." states the Baron.
"Awww!" the crowd goes.
Part VII and later forthcoming?
An aforehand: WARNING: THIS FANFIC IS RATED BORDERLINE PG-13/R FOR PERVERSE YET NON-EXPLICIT SEX, DEPICTIONS OF PERVERTS, SENSELESS DEATH OF REDSHIRTS, AND THE BARON. A SPECIAL WARNING: PART VI IS PERHAPS THE MOST GRAPHIC PART OF THE STORY, FROM 1-24. I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONSEQUENCES IF SMALL CHILDREN READ THIS.)
The New FUQ
<scroll initial screen, with ridiculously large letters going by way to slowly for anyone to not help but read>
A long time ago, in a galaxy so far away that its... far away,
The newsgroup, er, galaxy once again sits on the brink of ridiculously silly antics,
oh, and destruction, too.
The rule of the Wong Empire has extended near-total control over most of the galaxy,
and it seems to be only getting stonger. Darth Wong sits at the cusp of ultimate power,
<"YAY" Goes a crowd of Warsies. "BOO!" Goes a crowd of Trekkies>
his only opponents either being trolls or (in his view) lightweight annoyances
. However, a few of those "annoyances" have gathered together,
and formed a new order, dedicated to bringing his empire down
. <"YAY" Goes a crowd of Trekkies. "BOO!" Goes a crowd of Warsies>
Meanwhile, the trolls have a new leader, replacing their fallen head.
Having already committed the ultimate crime, the new head of trolldom stands ready to rally his fellow trolls to take power.
<"BOO! HISS! BOO!" Goes a crowd of both Trekkies and Warsies>
Years have passed since the last battle, and many of the old heroes and villains are gone.
The fate of the galaxy is in the hands of new individuals, as well as those of the old years who remain...
<"WTF?" Goes virtually anyone. Cue visuals. Part I, begin>
Part 1:
At a small hotel on the distant planet Grohoya, about twenty trekkies have gathered in the hotel's small conference room. Four of them are at the head of the table. Two are clearly human; they are DanielSBen and Matt Huang. A third, Tyralak, is a Romulan. The fourth, reputedly named Doctor Zeppo Dunsel, is shadowy, and says nothing through the whole presentation.
"We have an offer that, if it comes through, will yield us a chance at victory over the Wong Empire." DanielSBen noted. "An Insectoid Xindi has offered a weapon that we may use - the specifications, and a working model, of a device that can give the Death Star a run for its money! They plan on selling us a planet killer - a device that can travel in a layer of subspace, hidden from most sensors, and that can destroy a planet with one hit, just like their Death Star. The only ceveat - we must pay up. The Insectoid asks for payment in the form of assasination. Apparently, an individual named Gralik ticked the bug off, and he wants him dead." He finished. "We need a suitable assasin."
One of the trekkies spoke up "Lt. Hit-Man could do it. He's a hired gun, reputedly the best in the galaxy."
"Are you fucking insane?" Tyralak replied. "Half his killings were by hire of the Wong Empire. He'll just as likely take us out as Gralik, especially if he finds out what this is for!"
"I'll go" Matt Huang volunteered. "It'll be cheaper, and less risky, if this is an inside job."
"You're not much of a sneak." Tyralak responded. "All you know is weapons."
"As if you were a good sneak." Matt blasted back. "Besides, who else would?"
"Good point." DanielSBen conceeded. "We don't have very many people. Unless anyone else wants to, Matt will go. Anyone?"
<sound of crickets chirping in the background as nobody volunteers>
"Good." DanielSBen stated. "Matt will go, then."
"Hey, i'm the senior member here!" Tyralak retorted
. "Let's have a vote, then." DanielSBen proclaimed. "All in favor of Matt going, raise your hands!"
<12 of the trekkies, DanielSBen, and Matt raise their hands>
"All opposed, raise your hands!"
<the remaining trekkies and Tyralak raise their hands>
"Doctor Dunsel, do you have an opinion?"
<crickets chirp as Doctor Zeppo Dunsel doesn't reply>
"I'll take that as a no. Matt, good hunting. You'll need it!" DanielSBen finished.
The trekkies file out to their various rooms, Matt Huang to gather his weapons and plan his assasination, DanielSBen to read a book and enjoy the hotel's amenities, and Tyralak to smoke crack and perform suspicious activities with a mule. We don't know what Doctor Zeppo Dunsel does, yet.... (But we will, we will)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part II:
<On Coruscant, a hall beckoned. Its walls, over 20 meters high and decorated with elaborate stone engravings of past leaders, some of which date as far back as 1995. There are seats arranged, with eight seats on one level and a ninth on a raised platform; there are dozens of chairs for an audience, a podium for a speaker/crier, and space for a speaker to address the audience. It is in this hall, and the surrounding antechambers, where the scene is set>
"Oyey! Oyey! Here gathered is the Council of Lords, the supreme assembly of the Galaxy, Now In Session!" The speaker/crier, Mike, stated.
"Introducing the Supreme Head of the Council, Exalted Sir Nitram!" The head of the Council of Lords takes his seat.
"Introducing Lord Kazuaki Shimazaki!"
"Introducing Lord Graeme Dice!"
"Introducing Lord Pablo Sanchez!"
"Introducing Lord Wayne Poe!"
"Introducing Lord Edam de Fromage!"
"Introducing Lord Robert Dalton!"
"Introducing Lord C. S. Strowbridge!"
"Introducing Lord Mark Shepperd!"
Exalted Sir Nitram began. "Regarding the measure to grant Michael Wong, Darth of the Sith, Lord-Protector of the Realm and Commander-in-Chief of the Galactic Armed Forces, emergency powers in regards to the suspected threats of Trekkie and Troll involvement, i move that this Council allow Darth Wong to present his case to the Council before we vote on this measure."
"I second!" Stated Lord Kaz and Lord Strowbridge at the same time.
"The Measure shall be placed in force. The Council Presents Darth Wong!"
<A figure with black robes appears. He unveils his head, revealing red-and-black patterned skin and slender horns on top of his bald head. Despite this, his voice has clear inflections of an Asian male living in Canada - the thing is, only Hoshi would really care about that>
"Lords of the Council." Began Darth Wong. "There is a grave threat in this galaxy. Spies, using a small microphone inserted on a Donkey*, have uncovered evidence of a Trekkie plot to overthrow this Council and this Government, connected to an individual known as Tyralak and a small circle of his friends. Such a treachery should not be tolerated! In addition, there are schemes being concocted by the Trolls as we speak. A new Lord of the Trolls shall rise soon, for there is a breach in the Force which implies it. These warrant emergency powers, to stop this grave threat to galactic peace and prosperity!"
*<That happened to be bought and given the "full treatment" by Tyralak>
Exalted Sir Nitram stated "Thank you, Darth Wong. <Darth Wong leaves> Now, does any Lord of the Council wish to call another witness?"
Lord Edam did. "I call on the Council to allow Robert Walper, Representative of the Organization of Applied Policy and Governance*, to come before the Council and refute Darth Wong's case."
*(OAPG, a lobbying group, generally Pro-Trek in leaning)
Exalted Sir Nitram announced "Does anyone Second Lord Edam's motion?"
<crickets chirp as no other Lord seconds Lord Edam's motion>
Exalted Sir Nitram decreed "No Seconds? Then the motion is denied. A vote shall be called. All in favor of the motion, say 'Yea'. All opposed, say 'Nay'."
"Yea" stated Exalted Sir Nitram.
"Yea" stated Lord Kazuaki Shimazaki.
"Yea" stated Lord Graeme Dice.
"Yea" stated Lord Pablo Sanchez.
"Yea" stated Lord Wayne Poe.
"Nay" stated Lord Edam de Fromage.
"Yea" stated Lord Robert Dalton.
"Yea" stated Lord C.S. Strowbridge.
"Yea" stated Lord Mark Shepperd.
"It is settled then. On a vote of 8 to 1, the measure is passed. Darth Wong has been awarded Emergency Powers by the Council until such time as he finds them neccesary to be rescinded." announced Exalted Sir Nitram.
Mike, the speaker/crier, went "The Council of Lords is has voted. The Session is Ended!"
... --- ... --- ... --- ... --- ... --- ... --- ... --- ... --- ...
The various Lords gathered in their independent antechambers. Lord Edam was depressed by the passage of the measure. It meant that the entirety of the Galaxy was under the direct control of a Dark Lord. He contacted his agent, hoping for news from the supposed Resistance.
"Wouter, how are things holding up?" He said.
"Fine. We've got possible gold in the proposal to knock off Gralik and bag our own Death Star. Matt Huang has been assigned it. DanielSBen and Tyralak are drawing up plans for further resistance as we speak. I've joined them, alias 'Doctor Zeppo Dunsel', after an old friend of mine. I've said little, listened much."
"Good. Be aware, Darth Wong knows of the plot. He snuck a microphone on Tyralak's Donkey."
"That could complicate things. I guess we can find the mike, and blow it up or deactivate it or something."
"I'm not sure you want to know where the microphone was hidden..." Lord Edam stated.
<on distant planet Grohoya, Tyralak goes "OWOWOWOWOW!" when his prized possesion hits hard metal where he would least expect it>
"I got the picture." went Wouter. "The guy is second only to the Baron with this stuff. Yeesh."
"Indeed." was all Lord Edam had to say on this. "Be cautious! The Warsies'll soon be after you."
"Understood." Said 'Doctor Zeppo Dunsel'.
...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...---...
Darth Wong called on a commlink "Lieutenant Hit-Man, I have a job for you. Matt Huang, one of the members of the Trekkies, is busy hunting for a petty individual named Gralik. It is your job to hunt him in turn. Your pay, if he dies or is captured, will be 1.7 million AmeroEuroYens. "
"Understood. It shall be done." Stated Lt. Hit-Man. He contemplated his 3,412 assasination attempt. Of the 3,411 he had gone after so far, 3,109 were dead by him, 146 had been seriously injured, and 103 had been captured and interred. Only 53 had escaped him. Those 53, a mere 1.55% of his load, haunted him to this day.
He got his improbably huge supply of guns and set to work...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part III:
"So, what do we have here, Tyralak? Got too rough with the ass, huh?" DanielSBen accosted him.
Tyralak merely whimpered. His endowment still throbbed from the pain of hitting metal.
"Doctor, your diagnoses?" DanielSBen asked Doctor Zeppo Dunsel.
Doctor Zeppo Dunsel used a medical tricorder to scan both Tyralak and his Donkey.
"Tyralak, apply some antiseptic cream and some gauze to your thinger." He recommended. "Take two aspirin, and you should be in shape again in time for the Baron's next big party."
"The donkey seems fine, if a bit cantankerous. But- there's a transmittor in him!" Doctor Zeppo Dunsel made his first exclaimation.
"Good God!" DanielSBen said, looking at the tricorder readings. "That's a mike and a subspace radio if i ever saw one! That's what you hit, Tyralak!" DanielSBen exclaimed.
Doctor Zeppo Dunsel got out a spray hypo and knocked the ass (the donkey, not Tyralak) unconsious. Using a laser tool, a skin healer, and a pair of tongs, he extracted the transmitter from the donkey.
"Now we'd better destroy it!" DanielSBen realized. "It probably recorded every single goddamned thing we said!"
Doctor Zeppo Dunsel set his laser tool to full power and used it to carve the equipment to pieces - so that it would be nonfunctional, but could still be analyzed.
<on the Planet Coruscant, Darth Wong said "Damn!" when he realized the transmitter was discovered and rendered useless>
"Now we'd better get out of here! Our cover is blown!" DanielSBen exclaimed. "There'll be a Star Destroyer here in hours!"
Tyralak stated, his pain subsiding, "I've got a Bird of Prey ready to take us out in an hour's notice."
"That'll do." DanielSBen said. "Serves you right to provide our chariot for all the trouble you caused. Now, Doctor, get all the transmitter pieces packed, everyone get our luggage, and let's go. Oh, and Ty, we probably won't have time to pack your Donkey and his stuff. He'll have to stay."
"<grumble>" went Tyralak.
.-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-..-.-.-.--.-...-.-.-..-...-.-.-.-.-.-.---.-.-.-...-.
Matt Huang hunted. His personal spacecraft, the "Uzi's Revenge", was stalking. Through the vast Expanse he went, looking for a mining colony where Gralik lived. While the craft was headed there, he went through the exhaustive checklist of all his weapons.
"... Uzis, check. Antimatter grenade launcher, check. Mark 23 SOCOM's, check. AK-74, check. BAR, check. .50 Magnum, check. TR-116 with antimatter rounds, check. Anti-Bozonic seeker missiles, check. Phasers type 1, 2, and 3, check. Isomagnetic disintegrator, check. ..." He went.
Proximity alarms sounded. "Activate weapons!" he yelled at the computer. "Raise shields!"
Approaching from hyperspace was "Slave Alpha", Lt. Hit-Man's personal warship. Both ships locked weapons on each other.
A space battle was on.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part IV:
Sent to everybody circa Stardate 56.45.69.45.10.34.5663 or Imperial Date Standard 9464656348996.25841
From: The Baron
To: Everyone
There will be a party extravaganza in 6 days at my place. There will be plenty of women, men, and animals attending. It'll be at my place - ya know, 69 Belch Road, Planet Erle. Trekkies and Warsies both welcome. Trolls will be shot on site. This is supposed to be a party - anyone arguing Trek v. Wars with fists or something (unless both are excusably drunk) will be dragged apart and have their rectums torn out of their rear ends.
Be there!
- - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - 0- - - - - --b-ffojmropjmjds
<stage is set on the Bird of Prey Psionax, personal vessel of Tyralak. They are leaving the Grohoya system and are about to head for Planet Erle, a full 1,234 turbo-hexagrofs away, planning to snip 987 turbo-hexagrofs via the handy FUQ wormhole. Not far away, Lord Kazuaki Shimazaki's Imperial Star Destroyer, the "Rampant", is stalking them>
"What is the 'b-ffjmropjmds' about? asked Tyralak.
"The author had a keyboard malfunction while typing the end of the Baron's message." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated.
"Uh... hunh." muttered DanielSBen. "Now, what are we supposed to do about the Star Destroyer that will be here in 5 minutes?" he asked.
"This rig has a cloaking device." Tyralak stated. "They won't be able to find us."
"Yeah, but we have to drop our cloak to head through the wormhole." noted Doctor Zeppo Dunsel.
"Yeah, but life ain't perfect." Tyralak said. "Jake, bring the cloak on. Oh yeah, and make me a sandwich."
"Yes sir." Jake stated. he put up the cloak, then snapped his fingers. "I'm sorry sir, but i'm not a wizard or a necromancer. I can't make *you* a sandwich."
"Get out of my sight, idiot!" Tyralak stated.
"Okay, sir. You sure you don't want to be a sandwich, sir? I can try and find a necromancer or wizard onboard."
"Positive! Now git!"
"er, okay, sir." Jake leaves.
5 minutes later....
"This is the Imperial Star Destroyer Rampant. We know you are out there, Trekkies, even if we can't see you. Surrender to our superior KE ratios or be destroyed!" Lord Kaz hailed, attempting to find the Psionax. "And WTF is a 'turbo-hexagrof'?"
"the KE numbers are not superior." muttered Tyralak. "And god, was 'Star Destroyers Rampant' a terrible fanfic."
"I heard that!" Protested Lord Kaz.
Then the great lord of them all, The Supreme Corrector of the galaxy, the humble author, stated, each word booming.
"Um, Kax, you're in a different ship and Tyralak isn't hailing you. You couldn't hear him. And a 'Turbo-hexagrof' is simply my way of avoiding any real measurements, due to an earlier fiasco. And you, Tyralak, could not possibly have read 'Star Destroyers Rampant'; it does not exist here. I should not even be talking to you two. You will remember nothing of this conversation."
"Yes, author." both Kaz and Tyralak said simultaneously.
<absurdly loud flash - yes, a loud flash, you read right>
".. what was i talking about?" Tyralak wondered. "Oh, yeah. Evasive maneuvers; we don't want the Star Destroyer stumbling into us. Head in general direction of the wormhole."
<whole galaxy shakes as computer as struck by lightning bolt. Author is also struck, his brain is addled, and he writes the story in Fiver style (go to http://www.3sygma.com/fiveminute/ for examples, in Star Trek and other varieties)>
Lord Kaz: Come out, come out, wherever you are...
Tyralak: No way! Not until we're good and ready.
------------
Psionax: Sneaking, sneaking, la la la la la...
Rampant: Searching, searching, la la la la la...
------------
Redshirt: Approaching Wormhole.
Tyralak: Drop cloak! Raise Shields! Prepare to enter!
Lord Kaz: Found you! Fire at Will!
Rampant: <pshoom!>
Psionax: Ow!
Will: GAK!
Redshirts: GAK!
Fuel Line: LEAK!
Wormhole: Gulp!
Rampant: Let me in!
Wormhole: see sign - only allow in ships that are 1 km wide or less.
Psionax: Neener, neener.
Rampant: Shucks!
Chakotay: What am i doing here?
Random Shuttle: Crash!
Chakotay: Oh! and GAK!
Wormhole: Burp!
Psionax: Woosh!
<galaxy shakes again as another lightning bolt strikes and both computer and owner return to normal>
"There's somewhat of a situation." Tyralak announced. "We've cleared the wormhole. However, a fuel line ruptured during the last attack due to a lucky turbolaser shot. The breach has been sealed, but we've lost more than half our fuel. We won't make it to Planet Erle. I'll never make the Baron's party! Wah! "
"I suggest we head for Dangrine. It's a gas giant in the Flooz system, about halfway from here to Erle. It's got enough zalium diglorite to propel a ship the size of a small moon from here to Tripoli." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel offered.
<Author is heard to mutter "Zalium Diglorite is added in for the same reason as there are Turbo-hexagrofs">
"Any inhabited planets in the system?" DanielSBen asked.
"Erm, not as far as anyone knows. Dangrine and Glox are the only planets there, and both are gas giants." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated.
"Oh!" Stated Tyralak. "Let's go then. Oh, and about the small moon to Tripoli offer... where is Tripoli?"
"I dunno. It sounded good, somehow." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated, eloquently.
- - - - - - - - -
On the Psionax, later:
'Doctor Zeppo Dunsel' stated "... so you can see where we're going, Lord Edam. We're heading straight for where you wanted us to go."
"Yes, Wouter." Lord Edam de Fromage stated. "On one of the moons of Dangrine, there lives a man who can help us. Not a sage, exactly, but someone who can help."
"We shall contact him." 'Doctor Zeppo Dunsel' stated.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part V
<scene is set onboard the Bird of Prey, Psionax, approaching the gas giant Dangrine>
"Approaching Dangrine. Scanning - the outer atmosphere contains over 13,452,696,450 uh, megajunkers (or was it galactares?) of Zalium Diglorite!" DanielSBen exclaimed.
"Good. Oh, and it's 'megagalactares'. Yeah, this whole 'arbitrary numbers' business is a pain." Tyralak stated. "Enter orbit."
"Which orbit?" Jake asked.
"Standard orbit." Tyralak added.
"What standard?" Jake stated.
"I'll do it! now, go shuffle some papers, numbskull!"
"Uh, okay, sir. Do you want the papers dealt out, too?"
"No, you nincompoop! Just shuffled!" Tyralak fumed.
"Of course, sir." Jake leaves.
"Why was he assigned to helm? This kid's an absolute idiot." Tyralak asked.
"Because we lost more than half our redshirts, not to mention our fuel, from that lucky turbolaser bolt when we slipped the Star Destroyer." mentioned Doctor Zeppo Dunsel.
"Is there anyone more competant to man the helm?"
"There's Sanj here. Nobody lets him do anything because nobody believes that his name is actually 'Sanj'. They expect a few more letters."
"Man the helm, then, Sanjay." Tyralak noted.
"It's Sanj." Sanj stated. "Not 'Sanjay'. Everyone makes that mistake!"
"Oh. Sorry, Sanja, er, Sanj" stated Tyralak. "Keep our orbit steady."
"Of course, sir." Sanj mans the helm.
"You might want to look at this." DanielSBen noted. "This moon has a life sign."
"That moon is alive?" Tyralak asked.
DanielSBen smirked. "No. There's someone alive down there. Someone intelligent."
Doctor Zeppo Dunsel speedily remarked. "Maybe we should investigate..."
"We need to get our fuel." Tyralak stated. "Okay. You, Daniel, and a Redshirt go down and investigate this. I'll see if I can get these idiots to figure out what to do with the Zalium diglorite."
"We'll need a shuttle. The moon has falztorq magnetic subspace corps disturbance, so transporters are out. " DanielSBen noted.
< hours later>
"Shuttle is going down steadily." Yave (the redshirt) stated. "Wait, we've got a malfunction!"
<panel shorts out due to gralixium glort (Gungan for 'Plot Contrivance') effect, turning redshirt into a red spot>
"Uhm, remind me again why we bring redshirts along?" DanielSBen asked.
"Because, if we didn't, that would happen to us." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated. "Yave was supposed to take the fall."
"Seems bloody to me. Oh well, we're landing."
<a vast landscape appears, full of deep mountains and tall valleys... or was it deep valleys and tall mountains? the shuttle lands in a valley full of greens and yellows and reds>
"We're under attack!" DanielSBen yelled. "It's the Environmentalist wackos, the Chinese, and the Communists!"
"We're doomed!" muttered Doctor Zeppo Dunsel.
<No, not those greens, yellows, or reds. Green grass, yellow flowers, and red clay earth.>
"Oh!" Both DanielSBen and Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated. the shuttle landed, serenely as ever.
"The lifesign is about 700 centi-hexagrofs that away." DanielSBen pointed, with his tricorder.
"Isn't that the same as 7 hexagrofs?" Asked Doctor Zeppo Dunsel.
"Sure, but the '700' bit sounds cooler. " DanielSBen stated.
<a few hours later, they come up upon a humble-looking lodge of unusual style, on the foot of a huge mountain>
Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated "We're here."
"How did you know that?" DanielSBen stated.
"We've travelled all 7 Hexagrofs in the right direction, right?" Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated.
"Obvious state you do! True is that, too!" someone stated.
"Who is that?" DanielSBen asked "Dr. Seuss? Yoda? Perhaps Mother Goose?"
"Nut what you for take me? Yoda, Seuss, Goose, not I. SHAKKMaster, am I. I here master am."
"You've got great grammar. Lord Edam said you'd be here." Doctor Zeppo Dunsel stated.
"Huh?" asked DanielSBen. "What does he have to do with this? do you know something i don't?"
"It he does, obviously." SHAKKMaster quizzically replied. "Fromage Lord Edam de here sent him. Agent Fromage from, he."
"Waitasec.... you aren't 'Doctor Zeppo Dunsel', are you?" DanielSBen asked.
"Nope. My name's Wouter Valentijin, and i work for Lord Edam. He is thinking about supplying the resistance." Wouter revealed.
"Great. Now we're going back to the ship, to bring you along if you wish. As soon as we get enough fuel, we're heading for Planet Erle, to attend the Baron's party." DanielSBen stated. "Yeesh, Tyralak insisted on that point. We're going."
"I with you go. Party we shall soon. Go we must! Time here short draws. Leave fast now soon!"
"What did he say?" DanielSBen asked.
"I think we should go." Wouter stated. "It think he is worried about an invasion of drawing shorts."
"Ooookkkkaaaayyy." DanielSBen stated.
<shuttle is signaled, scurries over on autopilot, and they depart>
<back on ship>
"254 galactares of fuel taken onboard. 276 galactares... aw, that's stupid! shouldn't we be using liters or gallons or something?" Sanj asked.
"Arbitrary numbers mean even the units must be arbitrary." Tyralak said.
<on Coruscant>
Lord Pablo Sanchez noted "Hey, haven't the Trekkies been the one committing most of the silly antics in this story so far? Doesn't that mean Wars beats Trek?"
Commander Raynor RayCav drunkenly muttered "Yesh, i shupposhe sho. Warsh Rulesh."
"Ya know, you're not helping may case here. The Baron is having a party. Why don't you go?" Lord Pablo noted.
"The Baron ish havynge a parti? I musht go!" RayCav stated. "buttt firsht, get me a nubiyile viyrgiyn goeddessh, covyered in oiyliyive oiyil. Ande shomee whishkey."
"You're really, really, annoying me here." Pablo stated. "Now git!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part VI
<Onboard the Bird of Prey Psionax ("It's a warbird!" Tyralak growls. "No, it's a bird of prey." the author responds)>
"WHAT?!" Tyralak stated. "So, you guys find this weird-talking idiot, and we discover that you, 'Doctor', aren't who you say you are, and you guys say this mission 'accomplished something useful'? WTF?"
"Ya know, at least Woater here isn't a spy for Darth Wong or anything. And we need all the help that we can get." DanielSBen stated, matter-of-factly.
Wouter responded, "It's 'Wouter', not 'Woater', but he's got the right idea."
"You perhaps wrong-speaking one. Idiot not am I! Perhaps idiot you are!" SHAKKMaster protested.
<hours of argument, silly antics, and a barrel of monkeys later>
Monkeys: "Screech! Howl! Screech!"
"Why was a barrel of monkeys brought in? Oh well, at least they're more courteous than trolls." Wouter stated.
Tyralak announced. "We have all 904 galactares of fuel onboard and running. Set course 123 mark 45, Planet Erle, Sped Factor 69!"
"Why '69' and not '68' or '70'?" Sanj asked.
"I just like that number. Reminds me of something that i shouldn't mention in polite company. Engage, Sanjer!"
"It's Sanj!" Sanj insisted. "And WTF is a 'Sped' factor?"
<Author rumbles - "It's arbitrary, alright!">
- - - -
<The setting is 69 Belch Road, Sicko City, Gonzo, Wacky Republic, Planet Erle (Zip Code 90210-8472)- The Baron's compound of luxury, perverse pleasures, and silly antics. Inside an improbably huge house, there are all sorts of compartments for a party attended by perhaps 30,000 partiers, not to mention various entertainers, prostitutes (of both human sexes and several others), donkeys, sheep, and others brought in just for the event. The party is so big that many parts are held in tents or outside, on the Baron's 150-acre sheep farm. The party lasts about 5 days, and there is a whole buffet with cooks brought in, a small cafe run by a Swedish chef, a coffee shop, and several bars (yes, in the Baron's compund) for festivities, and a nearby flophouse is pressed into service for the less important (read: non-ASVSer) guests - or they can elect to stay 3 miles away at a Motel 7 for only 60 AmeroEuroYens a night>
The Baron rumbled "Welcome to my place. Let the Festivities Begin!"
"YAY!" go crowds of partiers.
"BOO!" go crowds of neighbors who will have to bear with the noise.
"BAA!" go some very annoyed sheep.
Some scenes from the party:
. . . . .
"Hiya tshere, Tyralack! Howsh thingsh doing?" Commander Raynor RayCav asked, drunkenly, with one very attractive female clone in each arm.
"Shame ol', Shame ol'" goes Tyralak, having consumed enough Romulan ale to affect even him, as he ambles on towards the donkey stable and the crack counter.
"Ya know, this party is kinda sick.... yowza!" DanielSBen goes, as a very attractive woman just passed, wearing only token clothing and carrying a Horga'hn (don't know what that is? Look it up!). "I guess i'll be busy for awhile".
"Sho will I, I Shupposhe." RayCav slurs. He gets a tub of chocolate and takes the two women with him to a private chamber. DanielSBen follows the attractive female a nearby one. Both are busy for the next few hours or so.
. . . .
"That burrito was good!" Enigma yells. "Now if you'll excuse me, i'll need to go outside or i'll kill half the people in this compound from methane poisoning!"
"Suit yourself." Big Steve goes for another trip to the buffet.
. . . .
"For heesh a jolly good fehllow, for heesh a jolly good fehllow, for heesh a jolly good fehllow, thate nobodye cann deniye!" Sings RayCav, Tyralak, Spyder, Chuck, Enigma, and Ta', very drunkenly, about the Baron.
. . . .
"Drinks good, these are. Women plentiful, interesting. Good life, this is. This not permanent, be sad." SHAKKMaster remarks.
. . . .
"Man, this party is good!" Matt Huang said.
"You bet your fucking ass it is!" Lt. Hit-Man remarked.
<Uhm, guys, you're not attending. You're out in deep space, shooting each other, remember?>
"Oh!" Matt Huang and Lt. Hit-Man both disappear with a pop.
. . . .
"I've been drunke for the pasht 2 daysh sholid, shlept with moore ladiesh than i caaan coount, and i feel sho goood!!!" RayCav cheered.
. . . .
"Marina, what are you doing here? I thought you didn't go for this stuff!" Darth Phong stated.
"Neither are you. I'm needed for a token regular woman, someone who isn't being exploited for sex." Marina replied.
"Aren't they're any others?"
"Yeah, but i don't think you want to know who..."
"Kirk and Spock are GAY LOVERS! I know this to be true! Anyone who doesn't is a blind ass!" Cries out ToolPackinMama.
"See what i mean."
"Yeah."
. . . .
"Yee-haw!" Goes Tyralak, for no apparent reason other than mounting yet another donkey.
. . . .
JPWycombe remarked. "Humph. I swear i saw Matt Huang and Lt. Hit-Man here for a moment yesterday. I guess they left early."
. . . .
DanielSBen was... busy at the moment. He'd never tried anything with two ladies before at the same time, but it was... interesting.
. . . .
"BAA!" Goes yet another violated sheep, this time drenched in chocolate.
. . . .
"Hic!" went RayCav, heading for the buffet and the bar before spending the night with three women.
. . . .
"THIS IS THE POLICE! IS ANYONE DOING ANYTHING UNTOWARD HERE?"
"Uhm, no?" said the Baron.
"GOOD. CARRY ON."
. . . .
SHAKKMaster, JPWycombe, and DanielSBen took an hour off to discuss philosophy.
DanielSBen pondered "I still say Neizsche was a complete fool. Life is beautiful, isn't it?"
SHAKKMaster replied "It is, yes i suppose. Words notice to bear, still. wisdom perhaps there is?"
"Uhm, guys, this is a party not a discussion of philosophy. Have Fun!" Wycombe stated.
"OK. I've got an appointment with an attractive member of the opposite sex soon. Something involving chocolate...." DanielSBen remarked.
"Me go to bar now. Enjoy Saurian Brandy i will." SHAKKMaster entered.
. . . .
"*hic**hic**hic*" are the only sounds coming from RayCav, Enigma, the Baron, Spyder, Big Steve, Ta', Tyralak, SHAKKMaster, Chuck, and the whole Lump Club as day 3 draws to a close, having been filled to the brim with food and alcohol.
. . . .
"F-ck you asses!" goes a random troll.
"Kill the troll, gyaa!!!!!!" goes a crowd of angry men and women. The Troll is skewered. "Troll Special" is the next day's soup at the Swedish Chef's cafe. More people go to the coffee shop or the buffet that day, for whatever reason.
. . . .
"<pffffooooommm> oops!" Enigma goes, accidentally killing everyone in the Crack tent from methane poisoning. Thankfully, Tyralak is busy at the donkey stable and not at the crack tent.
. . . .
"mmm... mmm.. good!" Stravo goes, enjoying his Troll Special Soup. "They should do this to all trolls!"
"I'd much rather eat fried noodles or ice cream or something." goes Robert Healey. "Being eaten is more than trolls deserve."
"I'd mucsh rather drink shome 200-proof brandy. Hic!" goes Spyder.
. . . .
DanielSBen spent the final 36 hours with a lone woman, a large quantity of food, and a compartment with restroom facilites and a shower. The party was good.
. . . .
"One more time, perhapsh?" Suggests RayCav to the four (!) women he was engaging in activities with simultaneously.
. . . .
"<munch><crunch><munch>" go the Lump Club, eating a whole roast cow in under 10 minutes, then requesting seconds. And a side of 100 lbs of potato chips, for the big football game on the 198" flatscreen.
. . . .
"HEE-AW!" goes a very stubborn donkey.
"OW!" goes Tyralak, getting kicked in the nuts by the donkey. "YOW! OWOWOWOWOOWOWWOWOWOW!"
. . . .
"The beer cannon is the absolute coolest weapon around!" Goes JPWycombe.
"Wrong you are. Better are interdictors!" SHAKKMaster insists.
"Weaponsh argument at thish time! For Ssshame, gentlemen! HIC!" slurs Spyder.
. . . .
"Thish ish the final day, gentlemen! Letsh drink ash musch ash we caann nowsh! HIC!" goes RayCav. He, Spyder, and Enigma toast to that.
. . . .
"Whew! the crack tent STILL smells!" Tyralak holds his nose.
. . . .
"The party is now over! please remember where you parked." states the Baron.
"Awww!" the crowd goes.
Part VII and later forthcoming?